Hi, everyone. Here's the next chapter of Broken Wings, Shattered Heart. This is just a filler chapter, so not too much happens in it, but hopefully things will pick up in the one that follows. I apologize in advance for all the angst.
Trigger warning for mentions of eating disorders, self-harm and suicide.
"Are we really gonna go home? We just got here," James points out as he, Kendall and Logan enter the elevator. Katie, who had initially left with them, had decided to stay with Carlos, not wanting him to be alone for long.
For a moment, Kendall is silent as he reaches past Logan and presses the button for the first floor. He breathes out quietly and takes a couple of steps back, his back hitting the elevator's wall behind him. "I don't know," he says after a moment as his eyes land on James. "It looked like he was getting overwhelmed and I didn't want to make things worse."
"I should've just left," Logan mumbles quietly.
"What?" Kendall asks, thinking he heard wrong.
The elevator dings above them, and a few seconds later, the elevator doors open and the three of them step out. As they walk out, Kendall reaches for Logan's arm and wraps his hand around it, stopping Logan from walking any further.
"Logie," he says and steps in front of him. He sees Logan's shoulders tense at the action, his eyes cast towards the floor. "What did you say?" he asks in a soft tone. His hand slides from where it's wrapped around Logan's upper arm until he reaches his wrist.
"I should've just left," Logan repeats. He's still not looking at him.
Kendall looks at James, who is standing behind Logan, and frowns.
"Why are you saying that?" James asks and moves to stand beside Kendall.
Logan sighs and glances at them for a fleeting second, before his eyes land on the wall beside him. "He got that way because of me. Because he saw that I was upset. I probably made him feel bad."
"He's been through a lot," Kendall says gently. "He still doesn't quite remember what happened, and it must all be very confusing for him. I think… I think, right now, everything is a bit overwhelming for him. So I don't think it was you, specifically, that made him upset. I think he just doesn't know how to feel about everything that's happening."
"I think Kendall's right," James says. "It's not your fault. He might not be fully aware of what happened, but all of this is still affecting him."
Logan swallows hard and nods his head, unable to do much else.
"Come on," Kendall says and pulls Logan towards him, an arm looping over his shoulders. To his left, James reaches for him too and rubs small circles against his back.
"Thanks, guys," Logan whispers, leaning into Kendall's touch.
"Do you want to go home?" Kendall asks as they start walking towards the waiting room. "Because we can."
"I don't know…"
"I think we should," James says, catching both Kendall and Logan by surprise.
"What?"
"I think we should go home," James repeats. "We've been here every day. I think going home for a day would do us all some good."
Kendall gives him a questioning look but doesn't question him any further.
"Yeah, you're probably right," Logan says, but he still looks somewhat hesitant. That's when Kendall realizes, James didn't say that because he wanted to go home. He said it so Logan would agree to take a break.
"Okay," Kendall says slowly.
When they finally reach the waiting room, he walks to where his mother is and asks her for the keys. Once having said goodbye to her and the Garcias, the three of them head outside, the cool autumn wind greeting them once they do so.
"I'll drive," Kendall says, as Logan takes the backseat and James takes the passenger's seat.
The drive back to the Palm Woods is quiet, for the most part. As Kendall drives, James messes with the radio but eventually gives up when he doesn't find a radio station playing anything he likes. He slumps against his seat, the side of his head hitting the window.
Logan sits with his arms crossed over his chest, staring out his window, watching the cars passing by.
When they reach the Palm Woods, they all step out of the vehicle and make their way through the pool and the lobby, doing their best to ignore the solemn looks that are sent their way. It's now been almost two weeks since this all started, and even though Gustavo and Kelly had tried their best to stop the paparazzi from piecing the puzzle together, it hadn't worked. News of Carlos' suicide attempt had spread like wildfire, and now everyone at the Palm Woods was aware of what had happened.
Inside Apartment 2J, the three of them plop down on the couch, not having the energy to do anything else. James curls in on himself, his head resting against his folded arms, which are pressed up against the armrest. Kendall has sat down beside him, leaning all the way back against the couch cushions, his eyes locked on the ceiling above them. And Logan is sitting to his right, in a similar position to James', except he's actually lying down on the couch, his feet resting on top of Kendall's lap.
"I'm gonna go make us something to eat," Kendall says after a few minutes of silence. He gently pushes Logan's feet off of his lap, stands up, and places them on top of the couch.
"I'm not hungry," James mumbles quietly.
"You need to eat," Kendall says, tears pricking at his eyes. When he doesn't receive a response from James, he moves towards the kitchen and opens the fridge, sighing loudly when he finds it almost completely empty.
"I need to go to the store. We're out of a lot of things. Do either of you wanna come?"
"Not really," Logan says, prying one eye open. "Is it even a good idea for us to go out? You know the paparazzi are gonna be everywhere."
"I'll be careful. If neither of you want to come, I can go by myself."
"You shouldn't…"
"Logan, I'll be fine."
"I don't know, Kendall…"
"I just need to get a few things. I'll be back before you know it."
"I can go with you, if you want," James says.
"No, it's fine. The two of you rest. If anything happens, I'll message you."
"Be careful, please," Logan says, his eyes following Kendall as he grabs his red hoodie from where he had left it thrown over a chair a few days before.
"I will be," Kendall tells him and heads towards his room. Once there, he grabs a pair of sunglasses, followed by a baseball cap, and puts them on, hoping the two items will stop him from getting recognized by anyone.
"I'll be back," he says to Logan and James, before heading out the door and towards his mom's SUV. A strong wind pushes against him as he nears the vehicle, small droplets of rain starting to fall from the sky. It's not long after he has gotten inside and started driving that the rain starts to come down harder, soaking the windshield in front of him.
"That's just great," he mumbles under his breath, his hold on the steering wheel tightening. The grocery store isn't too far from the Palm Woods, so it only takes him about ten minutes to get there, but by the time he does he can hear thunder in the distance.
His hands are shaking as he exits the SUV, so he stuffs them into the pockets of his hoodie and heads inside the store, making sure to keep his head low.
"I knew he shouldn't have gone," Logan says as he moves from where he had been lying down to the part of the couch that's leaning against the wall, where the window is located.
"It'll probably clear up soon." Just as the words have left James' mouth, a boom of thunder echoes in the distance. "Or not."
"I'm gonna call him," Logan says, but James grabs his arm before he can grab his phone from the coffee table.
"I'm sure he's fine," James tells him, but when Logan turns back to look at him with eyes filled with uncertainty, he lets go of his arm. "Just send him a text."
Logan nods and grabs his phone, typing out a quick "Are you okay?" before sending it to Kendall. It only takes a few seconds for Kendall to reply.
I'm fine. See you in a bit.
"Told you he was fine," James says, looking over Logan's shoulder.
Logan frowns as he sinks deeper into the couch cushions. "I know. It's just…" He sighs, letting his phone fall on his lap. He opens his mouth, wanting to say more, needing to say more, but he's not really sure what to say.
"I know," James says quietly.
Logan turns to look at him and sees tears brimming in his eyes. He presses his lips together, doing his best to keep his own tears at bay, and gives James' knee a small squeeze. "Are you okay?" he asks, the words struggling to come out of his mouth.
James opens his mouth to respond, his eyes looking away from Logan, body moving back. "I'm okay," he says, but it's pretty clear that he's not being honest.
"James, please, talk to me."
"Logan, I—" He keeps his gaze down and stands up, one hand moving to grab at his head as he does so. "I can't."
"Are you dizzy?" Logan asks, already on his feet.
James staggers back, shaking his head. "I'm fine—"
"James, I'm serious."
"I know. I just…" He trails off and slowly sits back down, his head leaning forward, hair in between his hands. "I'm sorry," he chokes out, his fingers tightening around his hair.
"James, hey." Logan takes a seat beside him and rests a hesitant hand on his shoulder. "James, please talk to me. I can't help you unless I know what's actually going on."
Inhaling deeply, James pulls away from Logan and stares forward, his jaw tightening. "I… I can't."
"Can't what?"
"Talk about it," James says as he stands up, his eyes closing tightly.
"Talk about what?" Logan asks, confusion clouding his eyes.
"Anything." James clenches his jaw and stands up again, this time slower than before. "I think I… I think I need to be alone."
"James…"
"It's just for a little while," James says and doesn't wait for a response from Logan. He walks away without another word and makes his way to his room. With a lump in his throat, he pushes the door open, keeping his head down, and lays down on his bed. He pulls the covers up and over his head, tears hanging onto his eyelashes, and lets out a strangled sob.
The other side of the room is completely empty. And yes, Carlos is alive. He's injured, but he's alive, and he knows he should be grateful, but it's so hard to feel grateful when everything is still very much not okay.
Kendall enters Apartment 2J about an hour later, his hair matted to his forehead, clothes clinging to his skin.
Logan looks away from where he had been watching the rain fall down in front of the window and turns in his direction as the door is pushed open.
"Hey, do you need any help?" he asks, but Kendall shakes his head.
"I only got a few things," Kendall says as he places the grocery bags on the kitchen counter. He starts rummaging through the bags and placing things in the fridge and in the cupboards. "Where's James?" he asks, noticing the other boy's absence.
"Went to his room, I guess," Logan tells him as he sits down at the island. "He said he needed to be alone."
Kendall frowns at this and stares in the direction of their rooms. "I should probably go change," he says, "but I'll be back."
A few minutes later, he's walking out of his room and hovering in front of James and Carlos' bedroom door. He raises a hand hesitantly and lightly knocks on the door but he hears no answer from the other side.
"Hey, James, it's Kendall. Are you in there?"
Receiving no response, he knocks on the door again, sighing softly when there is no answer from the other side.
"Can I come in? I just wanna talk."
He tries turning the doorknob but realizes it's locked when the door doesn't budge. He frowns and is ready to turn around when the lock suddenly clicks and the door is pulled open. James is standing in the doorway with his arms wrapped tightly around himself.
"Hey," Kendall says softly. "Can I come in?"
Giving him a shrug, James steps aside and sits down on the edge of his bed. He keeps his gaze locked on the floor, hands wriggling together on his lap.
"I don't really feel like talking."
Kendall frowns at this but nods understandingly. "That's fine. Do you want to watch a movie?"
"Not really."
"I know it won't make things any better, but… I don't want you to be in here by yourself."
"I'm not gonna do anything, if that's what you're thinking."
"It's not because of that," Kendall says slowly. "It's just…" He trails off, unsure of how to put his thoughts into words that'll actually make sense.
"It's not that I don't want to be around you guys," James says before Kendall can say anything else. "I just don't want to bring you guys down. Or, I guess, make you both feel worse."
"James…" Kendall moves from where he's standing in the middle of the room and takes a seat next to James on his bed. "You wouldn't be doing that."
"Yes, I would be. I just keep worrying you. I don't—" He chokes on a sob and leans his head against Kendall's chest when he pulls him close. "I don't matter," he manages to say, his words barely making any sense in between his sobs.
"What?" Kendall has to ask, thinking he didn't hear him right. "James, what do you mean you don't matter?"
"Nothing…"
"James."
Sniffling, James pulls away from Kendall, wiping at his eyes and cheeks with his knuckles. "I just feel like I don't, okay?"
"But… why?" Kendall's eyes are staring at James with worry, but James won't even look at him.
"Carlos, he's… he's more important right now. And I'm fine. I'll get over it."
"Get over what, exactly? Hurting yourself? Not eating? You know we're worried for a reason, right?"
"I'm fine, Kendall."
"No, you're not."
Shrinking away from him, James turns his attention to the wall, his heart feeling like it's beating a thousand beats per minute. "I'm just not hungry. Everything right now, it's… it's too much."
"I know," Kendall says, his tone firm but gentle. "But you can't stop eating just because things are bad."
"You don't understand."
"Then help me understand. Please. I just want to help you. We just want to help you."
"Kendall's right, James."
Kendall looks up to see Logan standing in the bedroom doorway, his arms crossed over his chest.
"We just want to make sure you're okay," he says as he walks into the room and takes a seat on Carlos' bed. "I know you're struggling, and I know it's easy to neglect your well-being because you are, but you don't deserve to do that to yourself, just like… just like Carlos didn't either."
Kendall feels his throat tighten at this, his eyes becoming blurry. "We don't want you to go down in the same path he did, James," he says.
"I'm not going to."
"If you keep this up, you will," Logan tells him. "I know you think you won't, but you will. Eating disorders like anorexia—"
"I don't have anorexia," James says defensively. "I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not trying to lose weight or anything like that. I'm just not hungry."
"James, eating disorders don't just happen because someone wants to lose weight or look a certain way. They happen for a variety of reasons. They can happen because you want some sense of control in your life or because you're trying to cope with something, or maybe even because you want to hurt yourself in one way or another."
"Is that what this is?" Kendall asks, his eyes moving from Logan to James. "Are you trying to hurt yourself?"
James doesn't turn to either of them. "I… I don't know. I just… I don't want to eat. Every time I look at food, I feel sick. I keep thinking about C-Carlos, and how he was starving himself, for who knows how long, and I just… I feel like I don't deserve it."
"Why?"
"Because…"
"Because, why?" Kendall presses.
"I don't know," James says, his words coming out in a whisper as he blinks back tears. "I just feel like… like I deserve to punish myself, somehow."
"For something that wasn't your fault?"
James swallows hard and looks over at Kendall. "It was my fault, though. Out of all of us, I'm the one who spends more time with him. We sleep in the same room. I should have seen that something wasn't right. I should have seen that he was hurting…" He takes in a deep, shuddery breath and pulls his knees up to his chest. "H-He walked into oncoming traffic, while I was… while I was sleeping. I can't help thinking that maybe if I'd stayed up, maybe if I'd said something different that night… maybe none of this would've happened."
"James…" There are tears now glistening in Logan's eyes as he stands up and walks to where James is, pulling him up and into a hug. James practically crumbles against his hold, his arms moving to awkwardly wrap around Logan.
"I'm sorry," James chokes out as he shields his face against Logan's shoulder.
"You have no reason to be sorry," Kendall says, having now gotten up. He wraps one arm around Logan and another one around James and places his chin on top of James' head.
"Yes, I do."
"You do not," Logan says as he takes a step back, holding James at arm's length. "You couldn't have known."
"I should have, though. I know-I know what being in such a dark place feels like. I should have seen that something wasn't right. He was growing distant, and I was too busy wrapped up in myself to notice."
"I think we all failed to notice," Kendall sighs, "but there's not a lot that we can do about that now. I wish there was, but… all we can do now is be there for him. He needs to know that he's not alone. He needs to see that there's still hope and that he deserves to be alive."
"And if he doesn't?" James asks.
"If he doesn't, then we find a way to show him. Whatever it takes, we have to do it. But until then—" Logan turns his attention to James now, "—until then, I think it'd be good for you to see someone. Maybe… Maybe we all need to see someone."
"But—"
Logan sends a glare in both James and Kendall's direction. James shrinks back, while Kendall just stares down at the floor.
"I don't want to either," Logan says. "But we need to be okay if we want to help Carlos. And let's be honest, we aren't okay."
"Fine," Kendall says as he sits back down on the bed. "I'll give it a try, I guess, if it'll help Carlos."
"And you, James?"
"Logan, I—"
"Please. I'm seriously worried about you."
"I know…"
"Then will you please at least give it a try?"
James bites down on the inside of his cheek and squirms uncomfortably where he stands, his eyes not looking directly at Logan. "I don't know… I guess."
"It's gonna be okay," Logan tells him.
Beside him, Kendall reaches out and wraps his hand around his wrist. "Come here." He pulls James down and hugs him tightly and beckons Logan over with one hand.
Logan hesitates at first, but eventually sits down on the bed too, his arms wrapping around James' torso. "We're here for each other," he whispers in his ear. "And that's never going to change."
So, the guys are getting help, which is a start. This won't magically fix things, but it'll help them deal with their emotions. Next chapter you might just see the start of that, and hopefully you'll also get a glimpse into what's going on with Carlos.
Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed.
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)