Chapter 30: Misunderstandings

Maura: June, Present Day

Maura smiled from her seat on the couch as Finn came back downstairs.

"Mama's getting ready; then, she said we could go to the park," Finn said to the room at large, and Maura was happy to see a spark of happiness back in the girl's demeanor.

Finn stuffed herself in between Emma and the arm of the couch. All four girls were on the couch facing the TV while Maura sat on the other couch, which was perpendicular to the one the girls were on. Maura noticed that Finn kept glancing at her when she thought Maura wasn't looking. It happened enough times that Maura wondered if the little girl wanted to ask her something, so she decided to start a conversation with what she hoped was a safe topic.

"Are you guys excited to be done with school?" Maura asked.

"Yeah, I like being home with mama," Finn said as she turned her attention to Maura. "I like school though too. I'm going to miss my friends."

"I'm sure there will be ways for you to see your friends over the summer. Some of your friends are on your t-ball team, right?"

"Yeah," Emma answered Maura. "Plus, Alyssa and Megan are both doing reading camp and math camp too, and I think some of our other friends are doin' some of the same camps, too," Emma added, half to Maura, half to Finn.

"What other camps are you guys signed up for?" Maura asked.

Finn shrugged while Emma answered, "I don't remember all of them. Mama let us pick lots."

"I bet she did," Maura replied with a smile.

"Mama says that we'll get to learn lotsa stuff so that we will be ready for second grade," Finn said.

"You mean first grade," Maura corrected without thinking. Maura was caught off guard by the look on Finn's face, and she was having a hard time reading her expression. Was it confusion? Annoyance? Did she not like being corrected or did she misunderstand? Maura's mind flew through all the possibilities in seconds before settling on her go to response – an explanation. "You and Emma will be in first grade next year," she said gently. "Unlike in high school, where freshman is another word for ninth grade or senior is another word for 12th grade, kindergarten isn't the same as first grade."

Maura watched a torrent of emotions play out on Finn's face. Just as Emma opened her mouth to say calmly, "No, we're going into second grade. We're skipping first grade," Maura realized her mistake, but it was too late.

Finn jumped from her seat and headed towards the stairs. Maura quickly followed her in the hopes of clarifying her misunderstanding. "Finn, sweetie, please wait!" Maura called after her daughter just before Finn reached the stairs.

Finn turned on her heal and screamed at Maura, "No!" causing Maura to stop in her tracks. Maura didn't want to upset the little girl further by approaching her. The reality was that Finn's anger had nothing to do with Maura not knowing what grade she was going into and everything to do with the pain she had been holding in all week.

Maura's heart broke as Finn broke down. The little girl was only ten feet away from Maura, but the distance between them felt insurmountable. Finn's face was red and scrunched with anger, tears were streaming down her cheeks, and she was screaming at Maura at the top of her lungs.

"You think I'm stupid! You aren't even listening to me!"

"Sweetie, I'm trying to…" Maura pleaded as tears streamed down her own face, but Finn wasn't listening, and nothing was going to stop the explosion in progress.

"You didn't want me and Emma because you don't love us and…and…and you…you th-th-think we're stupid! You wanted Sophie not us! You didn't want to be our mom, so I don't want you to be my mom. I hate you for leaving!"

Maura felt like she was being stabbed in the heart; actually, being stabbed would probably hurt less than what she was feeling right now. She couldn't focus on anything as her vision blurred and the sound of her own heart beating pounded in her ears. She was being pummeled by every negative emotion or thought she had had over the past seven years. She wasn't sure if she was going to pass out or throw up or both. She didn't even realize that she was falling until her knees hit the floor.

It was Finn jumping at the sound of Maura's knees hitting the floor that brought Maura back to the present.

"No, sweetie, I love you and Emma. I love you both so so…" Maura cried desperately, but she couldn't finish her sentence as her breakfast started to make a reappearance. Maura's hand flew to her mouth as she scrambled to her feet, running for the downstairs' bathroom. She barely had time to close the door and make it to the toilet before she violently dispelled the contents of her stomach.

The only thing running through her head as she remained bent over the toilet was that she had to get back to Finn. She had to tell both Finn and Emma how much she loved them and how sorry she was. The last thing she had wanted to do was run from her daughters. She had made that mistake the first day, and she had promised herself she wouldn't do it again. However, her body had revolted, and vomiting all over the family room in front of all four kids probably would have been worse. The only thing that kept her from completely losing her mind was that she had seen Jane grab Finn before she disappeared into the bathroom, meaning that at least Finn had her mama.

Maura wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Her whole body was shaking violently, and she didn't even bother trying to stop her tears. She knew she must look a mess, but she couldn't care less. She tried to stand with the intention of going to find Finn, Emma, and Jane, but her head instantly started to spin, causing her to have to retch into the toilet again despite the fact that her stomach was empty. Every time she tried to stand up, she got lightheaded to the point that she knew if she tried to leave the bathroom, she would definitely lose consciousness. Eventually, she had to admit defeat, and she let her body sink back to the floor. She leaned against the sink, her head falling back to rest against the cupboard.

Jane: June, Present Day

Jane sat on Finn's bed with Finn in her lap. "Shhhh, baby, you're okay," she said gently as she rubbed the little girl's back. "You're okay. Just breathe."

Finn continued gasping, only taking short shallow breaths as she cried loudly. She hadn't cried like this in years. It was Emma's voice that finally seemed to get through to Finn. Emma had crawled onto the bed next to Jane. She was leaning against Jane as she gently reached out to her sister. "Finn?" she whispered, her voice full of fear and concern.

Finn lifted her head to look at Emma. Her breathing was still shallow, but her tears slowed as Emma continued to echo Jane's words, "Shhh, you're okay. Breathe, Finn."

When she was sure that Finn was no longer in danger of hyperventilating, Jane asked, "What happened?"

Instead of answering, Finn leaned forward so that she was leaning against Jane's chest.

"Mommy thought we were going to be first graders," Emma said, but that didn't really clarify anything for Jane.

"Okay," Jane said slowly. "But why didn't you guys just tell her that you were skipping a grade."

"I did," Emma said with a shrug, "but Finn was already mad."

"Finn, baby, why did mommy thinking you were going into first grade make you so angry?" Jane asked.

"I dunno," Finn whined before hiccupping.

Jane sighed. She knew she needed to have a longer conversation with both Emma and Finn, but she also knew her daughters well enough to know that they needed to calm down before they would be able to engage in a real conversation. The three of them needed to sit down together and talk about everything that had been going on, and then, they needed to have a conversation with Maura.

"Okay, I think you both need a break," Jane said. "Why don't you stay up here and read for a while?"

Finn quickly sat up in Jane's lap. "Am I in trouble for yelling at mommy?" she asked tearily.

Jane brushed Finn's hair away from her face before giving her a soft kiss on the forehead. "No, you're not in trouble. I know that you know that yelling at mommy was wrong, but I also know that it's really hard for you to understand everything that's going on. Right now, it's more important that you have some time to calm down, so that we can talk about all of this.

"I'm going to go check on Harper and Sophie and talk to mommy. You're not in trouble, and you're not in timeout, but I do want you guys to stay in your room and read. Okay?"

"Yeah," they both answered.

"I'm going to leave you guys for about an hour to read," Jane said. "But I'll be right downstairs if you need me. Is that okay?"

"Mhmm," Finn said while Emma said, "Yeah."

"Alright, come're," she said as she pulled them both into a hug. "I love you guys so much." She gave them each a kiss on the top of their heads before letting go.

Jane stood to leave the room. As she was leaving, she heard Emma say to Finn, "You can read this one first," as she handed Finn the book they had been arguing about who got to read it first at dinner the previous evening. Jane smiled one last time at them before she closed the door.

Jane hurried down the stairs to find Harper and Sophie still on the couch. The TV was on, but their attention was focused on Jane when they heard her come down. She quickly sat on the coffee table facing them. Leaning towards them, she said, "Are you guys okay?"

Harper nodded, but Sophie asked, "Is mommy okay?"

"She will be," Jane tried to reassure the little girl. "I'm going to go talk to her, but I wanted to make sure you guys were okay first."

"I want mommy," Sophie whined.

"I know, sweetie, but she just needs a minute. I promise she'll come see you as soon as she's feeling better. Can you watch TV with Harper for a little longer?" Jane asked.

Sophie nodded.

"Thank you, noodle," Jane said as she leaned forward to give Sophie a hug and a kiss on the forehead. She also gave Harper a kiss as she stood up.

Jane quickly ran to the fridge to grab a bottle of water before hurrying to the bathroom. She knocked gently and said, "Maura?"

When Maura didn't answer, Jane's blood pressure skyrocketed. She knocked again. "Maura, I'm coming in, okay?" She was glad that the bathroom door was unlocked, and she stepped inside to find Maura still sitting on the floor against the sink. Maura looked up at Jane as she entered the bathroom. Jane's heart broke at the sight in front of her. Maura's whole body was shaking, and her face was red, blotchy, and tear stained. But it was the look in her eyes that destroyed Jane. She had never seen so much pain in those beautiful hazel eyes that she loved so much.

Jane sat down next to Maura, placing the water bottle on the floor. When she pulled Maura into her arms, she felt the other woman collapse into the embrace. Jane alternated between rubbing Maura's back and gently cupping her head against her chest as Maura sobbed in her arms.

"It's okay," Jane whispered into her hair as her fingers gently massaged Maura's scalp. "The girls are okay, and you're gonna be okay."

Maura turned her head so that it was still resting against Jane's chest, but she could talk. "I'm so sorry," she gasped out.

Jane kissed the top of Maura's head. "Maura, you don't need to apologize," she said gently.

"I didn't want to run. I wanted…I-I-I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to tell her how much I love her and Emma. I wanted to tell her how much I wanted to be with them."

"I know," Jane said. "I have to say, I'm kinda glad that you didn't throw up all over her," Jane teased, hoping to add a bit of levity to the moment. Jane leaned away from Maura just slightly so that she could reach the water bottle. "Here, drink some," she said as she handed the water to Maura.

"Thank you," Maura said as she took a sip, swished it around her mouth, and spit it out into the toilet before flushing again. She drank half the water bottle before she looked at Jane and said, "I didn't want to run."

"I believe you, and I know how much you love them," Jane said with conviction.

"But they don't," Maura said, and her voice trembled as fresh tears flowed down her cheeks.

"I-I don't know," Jane admitted. Maura closed her eyes and turned away from Jane as she tried to hold herself together. "I thought they did," Jane said as her own voice shook. "I really…I tried…I thought they knew, and…and I still think they mostly know. But I guess…" Jane sighed and buried her face in her hands, trying to stop her tears. She hated this. She hated how much Finn and Emma were hurting. She hated how much Maura was hurting. She hated how much her whole family was hurting. She felt like she had failed all of them.

Jane felt Maura's hand on her back. Maura rubbed comforting circles as she waited for Jane to come back to her. When Jane finally lifted her head, Maura said quietly, "None of this is your fault." Maura let her hand fall back into her lap before continuing, "Quite the opposite, in fact. I think you're the reason any of us are functioning at all. You're the reason the girls are going to be okay. Even if they hate me for the rest of their lives, I know they'll always have you."

"They don't hate you. They're just confused. Honestly, I don't think they even know what they're feeling, but they don't hate you. If they hated you, they wouldn't care whether or not you're here."

Maura nodded absently, and Jane could tell that she wasn't convinced.

"I'm going to get them a therapist," Jane said.

"That's a good idea," Maura replied quietly without looking at her.

"Do you think you can stand without passing out?"

"Yes, and I should go talk to Finn," Maura said as she started to stand.

"No, um, hold on," Jane said as she stood up too. "Emma and Finn need some time to calm down. They're reading in their room, and I told them that they should do that for about an hour. I also…um…I think I should talk to them first," Jane said nervously. "If that's okay…"

"I trust you, Jane. I'll do whatever you think is best. I just…I…I need to tell them how much I love them at some point today. They need to hear it from me, too."

"I know," Jane said. "I just think they trust me, and they might be more open if I talk to them first. I don't mean…um, that didn't come out right."

"It's fine, Jane. They do trust you, and I'm grateful for that."

Jane nodded. "But after I talk to them, I think we should talk to them together," she added. "Also, I think Sophie needs to see that you're okay."

Maura took a deep breath. "I'll talk to her first, then," she said. Maura looked deeply into Jane's eyes as she added, "Thank you," and she hoped that Jane could see how much she meant it.

Jane wrapped her arms around Maura and pulled her close, her own body calming slightly as Maura held her tightly. Jane pulled back just enough to look Maura in the eyes without letting go of her. She leaned in to capture Maura's lips in a kiss, but Maura pulled back and brought her hand up between their mouths.

"I've been vomiting," she said with a smirk. "Not until I brush my teeth."

Jane rolled her eyes as she moved Maura's hand and kissed her cheek. "Are you feeling okay?" Jane asked.

Maura shrugged. "I no longer feel like I'm going to vomit or lose consciousness, but emotionally…not really," she admitted.

Jane nodded, and as much as she wanted to try to "fix" everything for Maura and the girls, she knew it wasn't that easy. And the last thing she wanted to do was minimize what Maura was feeling. "Okay," she whispered as she resumed their hug. "I love you. I love you so much."

"I love you, too," Maura replied. "We should go parent," she added.

Jane snorted. "Yeah, okay, I suppose we should," she said as she released her hold on Maura and turned to lead the out of the bathroom. Before they walked out, she quickly gave Maura once more kiss on the cheek.

A/N: The next chapter will be the big conversation – well, actually two conversations – with the girls. I doubt I'll be able to post tomorrow night (Friday), but I'll try to get it out on Saturday. Then, we will head into some fun chapters!