Today's shitpost was inspired by an actual discussion I had with a few friends after we saw that 'Mountaineer's axe with heart-shaped holes and bronze reinforced shaft. Japan, Muromachi period, 14th century' post on Instagram two months ago lol. It's a random oneshot that can be inserted anywhere you'd like in the story thus far. Shoutout to KirikaAndo for reviewing.

Enjoy.

Artemis Crock was not the type of girl who swooned. She didn't think she was better than girls who got giddy over romantic things, (okay, maybe sometimes she did), but she just wasn't a swooner. It wasn't in her nature. At least, that was what she thought before her mom told her about a distant cousin getting engaged today. Artemis was in a bit of a daze thinking about the details. She zetaed into the mountain and glided into the kitchen where the rest of her team had gathered.

Megan, Emmy, and Sage were sitting at the kitchen table, and Kaldur, Wally, Connor, Robin, and Hunter were playing some video game with varying levels of enthusiasm. She turned to the girls and sat down with them. She needed validation that she wasn't crazy for having a fluttering heart for the past twenty minutes.

"Hey, Moon Goddess, wanna play?" Emmy asked over her teacup. Artemis noticed the cards in their hands. "Got any threes, Meg?"

The Martian shook her head, "Go fish."

Artemis ignored the question and quickly put her elbows on the table and folded her hands beneath her chin. "I need to talk to you all," she kept her voice low and glanced over at the boys to see if anyone other than Supey heard.

"What is it?" Megan asked concerned.

"Okay," Artemis started conspiratorially. "So, my cousin in Vietnam got engaged to her boyfriend-"

Emmy hissed sympathetically, "That's rough. We hate to see a good woman get trapped."

Artemis's lip twitched upward, "My cousin wants to marry the guy."

Emmy sent her an unconvinced glance, but Megan just beamed and clapped her hands, "That is so exciting! Are you going to the wedding?"

"No clue," Artemis brushed her off and leaned toward the girls whispering, "But I can't stop thinking about the way he proposed, and I want to know if my ovaries have ruined me or if it actually was really romantic."

"All proposals are inherently romantic by nature but go ahead," Sage piped up.

Artemis began the story, unaware that the boys had been listening in the whole time.

"I guess even some of the toughest girls go mushy for a wedding," Robin chuckled quietly.

"He took her on this hike to the Ban Gioc waterfalls which straddle the border between China and Vietnam," Artemis started to look dazed again. "And he told her that he loved her from the lowest peach blossom brushing the dirt of the earth to the farthest star skimming the edge of the universe."

Megan sighed wistfully, Sage giggled and blushed, and Emmy begrudgingly uncrossed her arms and softened. "Alright, so that's admittedly a good line. What happened next?"

"He went behind a tree, pulled out a bronze mountaineer's axe with heart shaped holes, got down on one knee, and offered the handle to her asking if she would 'wield it with him for the rest of their lives'."

The boys sent each other looks that clearly said, "We are experts on women, and this is not going to end well for the poor guy". Wally smirked. What was that idiot thinking? Everyone knows that girls want big fat diamonds.

"Oh my gosh," Emmy snapped.

Here it comes.

"That is the most romantic thing I've ever heard," The lantern melted in her seat.

And there it-wait what? The boys furrowed their eyebrows at one another.

"I know! Thank you!" Artemis relaxed a little even though Emmy was the only one agreeing with her.

"I'm confused," Megan said slowly. "I thought it was customary for Earth proposals to include rings."

Emmy scoffed, "The last thing I need is another surprise ring that signals a lifelong commitment."

"But diamonds are so pretty!" Sage whined. "If you have a proposal it has to have a diamond."

"Sage, engagement rings are a scam," Emmy looked at her sister. "Diamonds and the graphite in your pencil have the exact same chemical composition. They're just a bunch of carbons."

"True. The only difference is how the carbons attach to each other," Artemis added. "Diamonds have tetrahedral molecular geometry and graphite has trigonal planar."

Wally wouldn't lie, the casual references to Chemistry by the two blondes was making his heart flutter a bit.

"But how is an axe romantic?" Megan asked, still skeptical.

"Think about it," Emmy got a small smile on her face and rested her head on her left fist. "The two of them will go into the forest together, each knowing that they're with the person they'll love until they die. They'll take turns using the axe to fell the very trees that will become their familial home for generations..."

Artemis picked up where Emmy left off in with the same body language. Sometimes Wally thought the archer looked more related to Emmy than Sage and Hunter did. "It'll be just the two of them. Swinging the axe through each layer of hard wood. Their muscles will ache. The light will glisten off their sweat-covered skin. He'll take his shirt off..."

Sage took her turn, having come around to the idea, "His taught muscles will strain with each swing until she finally can't handle it anymore and takes him right there against the tree that will become their kitchen table."

Megan giggled slightly as her green cheeks traveled to the other end of the color wheel, and her eyes flicked to Superboy. Artemis sighed longingly. Emmy hummed in agreement.

"They'll think of that forest passion every time they eat on that table for the rest of their lives," Emmy nodded staring at the wall. Then her eyebrows wrinkled, and her spine straightened. "Wait," she turned to a panicking Sage. "What do you know about taking buff, sweaty men against trees?"

The boys started laughing, and the girls got a bit embarrassed by the clear indication of eavesdropping.

"Girls are so weird," Wally sputtered while Robin fist bumped him in agreement.

"I did not know women wish to be wooed with weapons now," Kaldur smirked.

"That was very educational," Connor smiled shyly toward Megan.

"Hey, 98% of girls would still prefer a ring," Sage warned.

"I'll have to get a ring and an axe when the time comes and see which works better then," Robin laughed.

"Yeah, no kidding," Wally snickered. "And here I was thinking the future Mrs. Wally West would be wanting me to give her 7 carats."

"Nah," Emmy smirked at him. "I'm sure she'll just spend her life wishing you could give her 7 inches."

"Baby," Wally smoldered at her, "I don't care how much I love her, I ain't cutting off two inches for anyone."

The whole team (except a very confused Hunter) started hooting and it took a few minutes for them to calm down. Although when Emmy turned to sternly tell Sage that she wasn't allowed to understand dick jokes for another two years, the laughter returned. Red Tornado eventually called the team to the mission room, and they started walking while debating the efficacies of different proposal methods. Artemis lagged behind, feeling better now that she knew the girls in her life agreed that a weapon-wielding proposal warranted at least a few dreamy sighs. And if Artemis happened to see Emmy nudge Wally with her elbow and murmur something that left the speedster with his own wistful look, well, she could save that story for if and when Wally bought a mountaineer's axe.

Thanks for reading. The next post will be back to our regularly scheduled chronological chaos.

Until Next Time,

TheDarkAbyss