Chapter 30

Darcy and Elizabeth stood smiling at one another for several moments before she broke the silence.

"I am afraid that either the beauty of the day or some distraction or other will cause me to forget myself so let me tell you before I betray my errant mind – my uncle has made time for me this afternoon at two o'clock. I hope to find answers but if I do not, I will do as I mentioned and ask him to obtain the entail document that I might examine it."

"You will allow me to join you?"

This they had already essentially agreed on, but she appreciated his asking once again.

"I would welcome any assistance you can offer, but I am not certain how to explain your presence to my uncle."

"Leave that to me." He sounded so confident that Elizabeth, who had no idea what explanation might satisfy her curious, private and protective uncle, decided she would do just that as she had enough unanswered questions that required her attention.

With that matter settled they set off on the path Darcy had come from, along the brook. After several minutes without speaking, the sounds of the water tumbling over rocks and the tweeting birds filling in the silence, Elizabeth decided to tease her companion.

"How remarkable, Mr. Darcy, that I should find you on this path at the very same time I myself have chosen to traverse it."

"Not so very remarkable," he replied. "I believe it was only yesterday that you mentioned this was one of your favorite walks and that you were particularly fond of morning rambles."

"That is true," she conceded. "However, the morning is several hours in duration and this path several miles long. Therefore, I maintain this meeting is somewhat extraordinary."

"You would be correct, the odds appear to be against us, but . . ." Here Mr. Darcy hesitated before continuing. "I have been walking this path for some time in the hopes of meeting you."

Elizabeth was flattered at these words - they seemed to state unequivocally what Mr. Darcy had only hinted at previously, his preference for her company. Her heart began to beat a little faster, unsure what he might intend, unsure how she might respond if he articulated any actual intentions.

"In vain I have struggled. I am certain you understand how I feel about. Indeed, I have been less circumspect than I should have been prior to making a decision. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

The hint of emotion Elizabeth felt at Mr. Darcy's initial words intensified at this clear declaration. Though she had allowed herself some fanciful daydreams, in the secret confines of her heart, her surprise at his avowal was absolute, having never really thought it possible she would earn the affection of such a man or that if she had, he would ever overcome his pride enough to declare it. In that moment she was not immune to thoughts of what making a life with him might look like. For just that moment she imagined a life so different than the one she had chosen for herself, one with a kind, handsome, intelligent husband by her side, helping her run Longbourn, seeking her help running Pemberley. It was a nice dream. It lasted less than a minute. Mr. Darcy had much more to say and he was no more eloquent or verbose regarding his affection than in describing what caused his considerable hesitation in forming an attachment in the first place. He spoke of his sense of her inferiority – though he assured her it was not her, but her situation. The family obstacles – their alliance would be considered so beneath him he would likely be ostracized from many of his kin. He did not blame them, of course, nor should she. His conclusion, calculated to ensure a favorable response, had quite the opposite effect. Though truth be told at this point her answer was determined, she awaited only a pause to deliver it.

"I hope we will be able to break the entail but if we cannot our marriage will ensure the security of your sisters and of course, yourself. The youngest could be removed from here and educated at the finest seminaries – as would be fitting for my sisters. In addition, you would not need to continue to take on so much at Longbourn, I can employ a steward . . . "

At this point it had become clear that Mr. Darcy was not only not giving her an opportunity to reply but was so sure of receiving a favourable answer he was making specific, and unacceptable, plans. She tried to compose herself to answer him. Though she wanted to tell him how very offensive and insulting his offer was Elizabeth decided she had neither the patience nor the presence of mind to do so. Settling on a short reply she gave her answer.

"Mr. Darcy, you forget I have made no answer. Let me do so now." Having secured his silence Elizabeth paused a moment. "I am not insensible to the compliment you are paying me. I thank you. Your good opinion is important to me and though . . " here she stopped herself, not trusting she could explain the offense given without losing her temper. Choosing instead to simply say, "I must decline your offer. I am sorry to have caused you any pain and I hope it will be of short duration."

Uncertain how to end this now very awkward encounter Elizabeth dropped a very awkward curtsy and turned to leave.

"Elizabeth," Mr. Darcy called after she had taken several steps. "Is this all the reply you intend to give me?"

She turned to answer him. Hearing the control he was exerting on his temper allowed her to maintain the tenuous control she had on her own. For the moment anyway.

"Would you allow that it might be best for both of us to take some time to consider your words before saying things we might come to regret?"

"I do to need to consider my words. Indeed, I believe I have made clear that I have already done so," he said, again the exasperation was evident in the enunciation of each word, the deep breath he took before continuing, the way he closed his eyes before opening them and looking at her once again. "Are you telling me you would like to consider my proposal and will give me an answer at a later time?"

He did not sound hopeful at this, more incredulous. As if her needing time to consider marriage to him was equally as preposterous as a refusal. That, oddly enough, was the final insult that broke her hold on her anger.

"No, Mr. Darcy, I do not need time to consider anything. What I had hoped was that you would be gentleman enough to accept my answer and allow me to leave without requiring me to articulate the myriad of reasons I have for refusing you, but since that is not the case if you are insisting," here she paused and looked at him for confirmation and though he looked slightly taken aback, a combination of shocked and confused, he nodded slightly and so she continued, "then I will tell you. Though you mentioned affection you also mentioned degradation. Though you spoke of love you also spoke of inferiority. Though you told me you liked me you were quick to explain that you wish you did not – that this attachment was against your will, against your reason and against even your character. We have come to know each other somewhat in the nearly two months since we met. I know how important your family is to you and you tell me our match would be offensive to them. You want to send my sisters to a school you think will educate them on things you value – manners and accomplishment. I have educated them and sought education for them in things I value – kindness, knowledge and usefulness. You know how important Longbourn is to me and yet you tell me you want to hire someone to run it for me. It seems our marriage would bring neither of us happiness despite this affection you mentioned and I will mention you did not inquire about my affection in any case. I have no wish to be the source of pain to you and I see no way in which you would bring happiness to me given all of your reservations and the many ways in the past quarter hour you demonstrated your disdain for me and all I hold dear. So it seems the most reasonable choice in the world to refuse you. Now if I have satisfied your curiosity, I beg you leave to bid you good day, sir."

"Curiosity!" He nearly yelled, angrier than she had yet seen, running his hands though his hair and turning from her. "Curiosity. I love you, Elizabeth, my question was not idle curiosity, and your characterizations are cruel and unfair."

"Cruel and unfair!" her temper and tone matched his. She knew they were both now so angry, so emotional that further conversation was unwise, but that same anger and emotion made the reasonable decision to table their discussion until they could speak reasonably impossible. "You accuse me of cruelty moments after you outline for me all of the ways in which I am inferior to you. All of reasons you should not love me," she tripped slightly on the word love, even in the midst of her fury it was amazing to her that he should love her or think he did, "due to the lowliness of my family, of my situation. Tell me truly, sir, did you think this speech would recommend you to me or were you in fact hoping I would reject you and then you could feel you did all you could to save your lowly friend from her truly humble existence before you left this backwards village and married some more worthy woman of the first circles?"

"If this is what you think of me, of love then you know nothing of either," he bit out before taking a deep breath in an effort to calm himself. He had, in truth, not doubted his reception and adjusting to this conversation, this reality, was unsettling to say the least. "It was not my intention to insult you, Elizabeth. It was my intention to demonstrate to you how serious I was and how strong my attachment is to have overcome such, you must allow, reasonable objections. I was offering you assurances that my attachment was not a whim, not a flight of fancy nor the work or a day or week's time. I had imagined you would be able to understand my position."

"What of my position, Mr. Darcy? You want me to consider yours, had expected me to even in the midst of your insults and offense, but you did not stop to consider mine, beyond how far beneath you it was."

"I do not understand." Now he sounded genuinely confused and interested. "What position do you speak of?"

"Did you not consider how I would receive such, what did you call them - assurances? Assurances based on your willingness to overcome your basic revulsion with the mere thought of any connection with me and those I love most. You wonder at my not receiving those assurances with gratitude and joy?"

For the first time Mr. Darcy looked slightly chastened, but Elizabeth was not entirely certain if it was her words or the fact that he had actually been rejected that fact was now fully reaching him and he was simply regretting the entire conversation.

"I will now return to Longbourn," Elizabeth said, leaving no room for opposition this time. She was a few steps down the path before she turned back to say, "Mr. Darcy, I am truly sorry to have wounded your pride and for any feelings I have hurt. I hope I have not lost your good opinion and that we can put this behind us quickly."

She turned once again and hurried away, feeling the sting of tears. Before she had gone too far she heard Mr. Darcy quietly say, "you have not lost my good opinion, Elizabeth."

It was the third time he had dropped the miss from her name and Elizabeth wondered why that was what occupied her thoughts and stirred her feelings as she walked home.