I woke the next morning because the sun was shining right in my face. I shut my eyes and turned away from the harsh light, and then I realised that I was lying on the ground. I sat up in confusion, putting a hand to my forehead as I tried to work out how I had gotten there.

The memory of Edmund's kiss came flooding back to me and made my breath catch. But before I could revel in it the height of the sun made me remember something else.

'The tournament!' I swore under my breath and pushed myself to my feet to sprint up to my rooms in the castle. I passed people going down to the stadium, and I knew I had precious little time. I barked at the servant assigned to me, but he was still practically a child and didn't know anything, so I dug my armour out myself and commanded him to put it on.

'Don't you want the proper armour, sir?' He asked, his voice breaking. He indicated the plate mail.

'And bake myself in a dwarf wrought roasting tin?' I replied. 'No thank you. Leather armour, and then the brooches of knighthood as epaulettes for my cloak. Hurry! How long is it until the tournament starts?'

'A quarter of an hour, I think,' said the boy, fumbling with the brooch. I snatched it off him and pinned it to my shoulders myself.

At last I was dressed, and I tore from the room. Halfway out the door I remembered my swords were in the armoury. Ordinarily I would have risen early and taken care of all these things with fastidious care and likely still arrived before any of the other competitors. As it was, I didn't even stop to buckle the sword belts but sprinted with the scabbards in my hands, weaving around the stragglers who were arriving late. They shouted their indignation as I rushed past them, but I ignored all this and put on a last burst of speed.

I arrived just as the trumpets sounded a final call for all the spectators to take their seats. I rushed into the combatants entrance, and once sure that I had made it and they had not gone on without me, I doubled over, my hands on my knees, and took great, gasping breaths.

'Finally deigned to join us, have you?'

Gormal was standing over me, with Rehan at one shoulder and Taran at another, looming, shadowy figures but for their gleaming metal breast plates.. I could see Simar behind them, watching wide eyed but keeping well out of the way.

I straightened. The best reply I could think of was 'Leave off, Gormal.' I made to brush past him, but he grasped my shoulder to stop me.

'You're meant to stand and hear the challenge,' he sneered, mocking the instructions we had been given when we all started learning sword fighting together.

'I wasn't aware you were issuing one,' I replied. 'All I heard was a bunch of bluster.' My brain seemed to have at least begun to tick over—while not my wittiest, this was at least better than my first attempt.

'You're not even worth the challenge. Look at you—coming to the Emperor's tournament wearing peasant armour,' he continued. 'I think I'll let Rehan handle you for me.'

I set my mouth in a line. Beyond their black outlines shone the bright arena, covered in fine white sand which made it even brighter. I did not want to be there facing Gormal's idiocy. I wanted to be in the garden, under the moonlight, kissing Edmund. I wanted to stay in the previous night forever. Then I would not have to crash into bright reality—and come face to face with what Edmund thought in the glaring light of day.

The others with us started murmuring 'Majesty.' I turned quickly, my heart pounding, trying to think what I would do when I saw Edmund. But it was Peter.

'There you are Peridan,' he said, striding forward. 'I came by earlier but they said you hadn't arrived yet, which I thought was odd, as you are alway so prompt.' He gave a cursory nod to the others, who had bowed to him, then turned back to me. 'But that's neither here nor there now. Well—I've come to wish you luck in the opening bout, on behalf of all of us.'

'Thank you. But where's Ed—King Edmund?' I blurted.

'Ah—I thought he would come down with me as well, but he said something about not wanting to show too much favouritism and that I should go, as Emperor.'

I nodded vaguely at this, though my stomach was churning. Why shouldn't Edmund want to see me?

'Leather armour, though, that's wise. A very practical choice. I'll take utility over ceremony any day,' he declared, tapping my studded breastplate.

I smiled thinly. 'So, the opposite of Rabadash.'

He laughed his booming, kingly laugh, and we stepped a bit apart to discuss tactics. Then he bid me a final good luck and went back up to watch. I returned to the entrance to the arena where everyone else was waiting.

'Dunno why they favour you so much,' Gormal sneered.

'The Emperor is heedless of his own danger,' Taran lamented.

I wheeled on Gormal. 'Perhaps it is because instead of growing fat and soft in luxury I have actually done something with my life. Built a town. Refounded a house. Saved the life of the King. Fought in a war.' I turned to Taran. 'Been in the presence of the Great Lion.' Taran stared and I shrugged. 'But you can continue thinking this is the only worthwhile thing to be doing if that makes you feel better.'

I stood apart from Rehan and the rest as I stretched to make myself ready while the clown fight entertained the audience. I watched one of the clown fighters take a pratfall. The audience roared with laughter, and I had a sort of waking nightmare that the same might happen to me. I tried to find Edmund in the crowd, but I couldn't see the royal box from where I was standing.

Rehan and I strode out into the centre of the ring. The light was even more garishly bright once I was out in it, reflecting off Rehan's armour and even the sand of the floor of the ring. The crowd's roar pierced my ears—I scarcely heard the signal to begin.

I searched for Edmund's face, but even when I spied him in the royal box, he sat too far away for me to read his expression. Then a cry and a flash and the clang of metal. Rehan had attacked, and I had only just managed to parry by sheer reflex.

A low 'ooooh' from the crowd as I was driven back. I knew how to beat Rehan. I had beaten him in almost every practice match we ever had, but I couldn't make myself remember his style or his tell. Tiny pebbles worked their way into my sandals and stabbed at my feet.

I managed to keep in it by dancing out of Rehan's reach, but this couldn't last for long. My legs felt like they were moving through quicksand. Sweat dripped off my hair and trickled into my eyes, stinging them. Rehan's sword was a bright, slashing thing slicing through the air, but it felt far away and remote—until he managed to land a blow with the flat on my back which made me cry out with pain, and the fear of a memory. I stumbled, and then had to go to the ground to roll out of the way as Rehan made to leap upon me. I only just avoided him by leaving one of my swords behind in the dust. Rehan leapt up and I staggered to my feet, dust sticking to my skin. I had to get my other sword back, but Rehan was standing over it. I had spent so long training with two swords I didn't know how to make one do both the defensive and offensive work. The hilt started to slip from the sweat on my hand. Rehan pushed me backwards with a flurry of blows. Flies buzzed in my ears and Rehan snarled like an animal, sure of his victory. I ducked away from his final attack and used the opportunity not to parry, but to sprint across the arena for my other sword. I heard Rehan chasing me, his feet pounding on the ground behind me, and the crowd booing because they had come to see a fight and not a race.

I had just grabbed my second sword when the judge called a respite due to the heat. I sagged with relief. More than anything I wanted to be out of the bright sun and in the cool. My head was swimming. I rubbed my eyes to get the sweat out, but only wound up grinding dirt and more sweat in. I blinked as I looked over my shoulder and searched for Edmund one last time before going inside.

To observe propriety, Barran had set apart a chamber for the Emperor to ready himself in. As the appointed champion, I had sole use of this room. I strode into it and banged the door shut behind me. I poured water from an enamelled pitcher into an enamelled bowl of the same pattern, and I splashed my face and rubbed down my sweaty neck. I lifted my head and looked at my dripping face in the mirror. I hoped to see the door open behind me and somehow, Edmund enter the room. I froze for a moment, watching.

But of course he didn't come. I bowed my head and exhaled. I had to face this myself. No one was going to save me or whisk me away. In fact, the High King was relying on me to win the day. I had to find my nerve and face this on my own.

When I went back out the sun shone straight above us and I could see everything with astonishing clarity. I probably could have read the expression on Edmund's face, but I did not dare look at him. The air was thick with heat. I narrowed my eyes as I watched Rehan stride towards me. I skimmed over the hatred on his face and took note instead of the fact that he was favouring his left leg ever so slightly. I calculated a plan. Rehan had changed into leather armour as well, so I had lost that advantage.

I balanced on the balls of my feet and he charged straight away. I dodged his lunging attack and spun round to parry. He had trouble turning round to block the blows, so he tripped me instead, locking his ankle with mine as I advanced. I fell, and grunted as I had the wind knocked out of me. I rolled away from him and used the momentum to get to my feet.

Now we were facing each other again. I gave him a condescending smile. 'You know I've always been the better swordsman. You might as well give up now,' I said.

He snarled and lunged forward. I ducked and moved away to taunt him again.

'Look at you! Can't even fight—you're just running,' he cried, and punctuated this with another attack.

But I had been watching, and this time I managed to catch his sword between both of mine, then twisted his out of his hands. He was forced to drop to his knees and yield.

'I told you you would lose,' I sad while the judge declared me the victor. Then I turned on my heel and walked away. Only when I was under the archway did I allow myself the smallest smile.

Of course I ran into Rehan in the athletes' baths afterwards. I left the thermal pool as soon as he entered and went to get my rub down, but of course he followed me to have his own so that he could jeer at me at the same time.

It was all the usual: a victory didn't matter, I still disgusted everyone; maybe I thought I was big now, but one day the kings and queens would know; I was a poor excuse for a knight since I was a half man at best.

I sighed. 'You do realise the more you insult me, the worse your own defeat looks.'

'Faggot,' he spat, and then in the next breath gave a cry of pain.

'Sorry,' said the masseur, 'I needed to work out that knot.' I turned my head to watch this interaction, and he winked at me. My stomach jolted with surprise.

Rehan left shortly after that, grumbling. I sat up and looked at the masseur who had been working on him.

He shrugged. 'You really gave his arm a twist in the arena,' he commented. He started arranging things, grinning to himself.

'I tried,' I said.

'Good. Because he deserved it. I've had enough of him and his kind with all their sneers and insults.'

I squinted at him, and then the realisation dawned on me.

When he saw the surprise on my face he said, 'Or did you think it was just a parlour game for rich boys?'

'No!' I said quickly. Then I thought, listening to the drips of water echoing on the tiles. We were in the tiled underground safety of the baths. 'I just always imagine myself as alone in this. I suppose I've always been made to feel alone.' I raised my eyes to his face.

'They always try to make us feel that way,' he acknowledged. 'But you know it's not true. And now that you are fighting and could win, well—it would be nice for all of us to have that victory.'

'All of us,' I whispered to myself.

At the banquet that evening the competitors sat at the opposite end of the hall to the kings and queens. I could scarcely see Edmund for all the people between us. I started to wonder if I had dreamt the night before, but Taran looked so sour when they toasted my victory that I could not doubt that had happened.

He leaned over and murmured to me, 'You think you have escaped judgment, but no one escapes Aslan's righteousness. You will have to face your own immorality.' I ignored him.

Meanwhile, Rehan was rotating his shoulder and wincing. When he smacked a fork out of Gormal's hand, Gormal demanded 'What's up with you?'

'Sore shoulder,' Rehan said.

'Sore shoulder, or sore loser?' I inquired. Everyone turned to me, but I kept my eyes fixed straight ahead as I put a forkful of food into my mouth.

After dinner I headed back to my room, half looking forward to a proper night's sleep where I didn't tumble off a bench, and half wondering if I would ever even have the chance to talk to Edmund again and discover what he was thinking.

But then as I turned a corner I saw him sitting in a window, looking out over the hillside and the sea with a wistful expression. I had only seen this quiet side of Edmund a couple of times before, and always I felt as though I was seeing something secret and very precious.

I could steal by and pretend I hadn't seen him. He was very deep in thought. We could dance around each other long enough to pretend that kiss never happened and go back exactly to how things had been before, build that teasing closeness. That would be safer, and almost happy.

But almost happy is nothing the same as actual happiness. I had to chance.

'My King,' I said.

He turned slowly, arching a brow, that teasing, sardonic expression on his face. 'My lord,' he replied. He unfolded himself from the window and came towards me. I stepped forward to meet him, and then we were inches apart, breathing each other's air. My breath came short and ragged.

'You are always so elusive. I have been trying to catch you all day,' he murmured.

'Yet I didn't see you before the fight,' I teased. Every muscle in my body was coiled tight with anticipation.

'Allow me to clarify—I have been trying to catch you alone all day,' he said, and then he leaned in to kiss me. Everything in me unfurled towards him.

But just as our lips were about to meet, footsteps sounded at the end of the hall. I sprang back from him reflexively and stood, tensed and listening. When the footsteps retreated, I let my shoulders sag with relief and turned back to Edmund.

He was smiling a small, lopsided smile that made my insides turn over. 'You fought well today—in the end. What was that at the beginning?'

'I couldn't concentrate,' I said. I leaned closer to murmur, 'I was very distracted.' I drew away and gave him a merry look, and his eyes darkened.

'I thought I was going to have to come and sort you out,' he teased, his voice low.

'I wish you would have,' I replied. A fantasy of this sprang to mind, making my breath catch and my head spin with possibility.

He growled in the back of his throat and grasped my belt. With a jerk, he pulled our hips together and kissed me so hard I stumbled backward. He pressed me into the wall. Thus trapped, I felt safe. I buried my hands in his dark hair and he kissed my jaw, then my throat. Then he unclasped my belt and snaked his hand under my tunic to stroke my bare skin.

I moaned, and this only seemed to encourage him. My desire rose up, sharp and painful, and it was too good, too much, but I wanted more. 'Oh,' I gasped, 'I can't bear it.'

'Come to my room,' he entreated, and I felt my knees go weak. I was on the point of whispering yes, a hundred yeses, when I remembered the footsteps. I shook my head. 'It's too risky.'

He frowned. 'You don't want to.'

I almost wanted to laugh at this. 'Are you mad? If you knew how much I wanted you…' I kissed his jaw, leaning into his body.

He smirked. 'You did mention something about that last night, now that I think of it. Come on then,' he said again, and this time I hardly had it in me to refuse.

But I shook my head. 'We need...we need more time. More space.' I thought hard, trying to see through the cloud of my desire. At last, inspiration struck. 'Listen,' I said, stroking his hair and his neck, hardly believing it was my hand caressing him. 'In two days, the competition has a rest day. Come with me to Felimath.'

He squinted. 'What's on Felimath?'

'Nothing. Grass and sheep—and you and I.'

He continued to squint, but then the possibilities dawned on him and his eyes widened. He nodded, and then he drew me into another kiss. Two days seemed a lifetime away.

I went back to my room and curled up on the bed fully clothed, staring out of my window. Questions swirled in my mind, all of them along the same theme: how, when my painful secret was exposed, did it result in happiness? How could Edmund want me so much? I asked a hundred variations of these questions before another voice said inside my head, 'Or, you could accept that maybe you are entitled to happiness too. Maybe it should be that you and Edmund found each other.'