Trigger warning: mentions of suicide

Chapter thirty:

HYDE

I quietly deny Donna's offer to get me a beer. I have a killer headache, beer is not gonna help me right now.

Donna and I are talking about our new favorite subject: Jackie. Every single day she asks me for updates on her – since Jackie's still trying to avoid Donna, and every single day we try to come up with a new plan to help my chick.

We're running out of plans though; I don't know what the fuck am I supposed to do now.

Jackie's currently in the shower, and has been for a while. I managed to take her out of the apartment today, took her to the park because of Mrs. Forman's suggestion, and it didn't suck. It was definitely better than watching her sulk in bed all day, but it was also… depressing, in some sort of way.

I'm not saying it wasn't good, because it was, but it's what I've said to Donna, Jackie didn't do all the cute crap she used to do whenever we took a walk back in Point Place.

Before the whole Sam disaster, Jackie used to drag me for walks at Point Place's crappy park. Every single time we were taking a walk, Jackie said that we were by far the best looking couple in the entire town, after that, she used to point at all the cute ducks in the lake, while I tried to sneak out to smoke a cigarette, which annoyed her beyond relief. Once she even threw my entire pack of cigarettes in the lake when I wasn't paying attention to her, saying that I would thank her one day.

Sometimes I legit want to kick my own ass for not appreciating her back then.

She hasn't done any of that stuff today, we just walked and held hands while trying to enjoy the fresh air, and it bothered me.

Her father's death really messed her up man, and seeing her messed up is messing me up, because I want to help, but I feel so fucking useless.

I'm hoping this walk did her some good though. She might not have done all the cute stuff she used to do, but I could tell that she enjoyed it, at least until we came back home.

"We need to convince her to go to therapy" Donna says, breaking me out of my thoughts

"Yeah, good luck with that" I mumble "She's stubborn when it comes to that"

"Well, then what the hell are we going to do?"

"I don't know, man" I reply "It's what you said, we just gotta keep on trying"

"This situation sucks" She says dejectedly, and I nod in agreement

"You don't have to tell me that" I reply "I'll go see if she's done with her shower, I wanna talk to her"

I pass by the bathroom and I can't listen to the sounds of the shower running, so I take a few steps towards her room, and I hear what I consider to be the worst sound in the world:

Jackie's sobs.

I enter her room and I feel my heart breaking inside my chest, it always does whenever I see her like this. She has her head buried in her pillow, and she's crying her eyes out, her towel-covered body shaking profusely due to the intensity of her sobs.

"Jackie, what happened?" I ask, shutting the bedroom door and sitting next to her in bed.

Whenever she's crying like this, Jackie always holds me. Normally, the minute I sat on the bed next to her, she would've buried her head on my chest and wrapped her dainty arms around me, but she didn't.

In fact, I could swear I saw her scooting away from me for a few seconds.

I cover her with a blanket and approach her again, but she flinches and I feel a lump the size of Texas forming at the base of my throat.

"Jackie, let me hold you" I plead with her "Tell me what's going on"

The intensity of her sobs increased, and I'm genuinely starting to freak out right now. Did I do something wrong? Fuck, maybe the walk was a bad idea?

"Jackie, doll, you have to tell me what you're feeling so I can try to help you"

I could see her slightly shaking her head in denial, but I'm not having that.

I quickly take my boots off and lay next to her in bed, wrapping my arms around her and bringing her closer to me. She didn't fight it, she's just crying on me instead of her pillow, so I take it as a good sign and tighten my grip on her.

"It's alright babe, cry it out" I say, pressing a kiss on top of her head "I'm right here"

She keeps on weeping in my arms, and I keep holding her and whispering comforting words until I see her sobs subsiding.

I don't know how much time has passed, it feels like a lot, but Jackie's frantic sobs reduced to minor sniffles and I need to know what happened. Did she have another panic attack? Did she find something of her father's?

"Talk to me, Jackie" I say, looking down at her.

"It's fine, Steven…" She says unconvincingly

She's hiding something from me, and she needs to tell me what's going on inside her head, because my mind keeps coming up with those horrible scenarios that make me want to crawl inside a fucking hole and die.

Maybe Donna's right, maybe reading all those books is making me paranoid, but something isn't right man. I don't know how the hell to explain that, because things have been messed up since Jackie's dad died, but I've been having this bad feeling ever since Jackie got that license from work. An extra bad feeling that's been keeping me awake at night, and I need to do something about it.

I sit down on the bed and gesture for her to sit in front of me. I want to look into her eyes and I want for her to tell me everything.

"We need to talk, Jackie" I say seriously, and she sighs dejectly "Please, doll"

"Can I get dressed first?" She asks, pointing at her towel

"Sure, want me to give you some privacy?" I ask, but she shakes her head negatively

"No, stay"

"Alright then" I say, and she goes to her wardrobe to pick up some clothes. I close my eyes; I don't want to invade her privacy in any way.

I feel her tugging on my hand after a minute or so, and when I open my eyes again, I see her sitting in front of me, wearing my Led Zeppelin shirt and sweatpants.

"You didn't have to close your eyes," She says

She lowered her head to avoid my eyes, but I'm not having it. I place my finger under her chin so I can look into her eyes and they are filled with tears again.

"What's going on, Jackie?" I ask gently, and a few tears escape her eyes again. I wipe them away with my thumb and she leans her head on my hand and takes a deep breath "You can tell me"

She looks hesitantly at me, and whispers "I don't want to tell you"

I try to ignore the sharp pain that went through my chest when she said that "Jackie, please"

"I don't want you to be sad too" She says "I feel like I'm dragging everyone down with me and it sucks"

"We're just worried about you, baby" I answer, rubbing my thumb against her cheek.

She doesn't say anything, she just stays silent and I decide to press her again.

"You need to tell me what's going on inside that pretty little head of yours, so we can work something out, get you the help you need, alright?"

"I really don't want to make you feel bad, Steven" She whispers, and I pull her closer to me. I kiss her temple and she leans her head on my shoulder.

I want to tell her that I'm already feeling bad. That seeing her like this is killing me. But I can't, I won't. She will probably misinterpret it and think she's a burden, and she's not. But convincing her of that is going to take a while.

So I remind her of our pact. The pact we made when she gave me another chance: no more lies, no more hiding the truth from each other, no matter how much it hurts.

"Baby, I love you and I just want to help you. Please don't hide your feelings from me, no matter what they are, I still want to know. We agreed we're not doing this anymore" I say, rubbing her back, and she lets out another shaky breath.

"I really don't want to make you feel bad" She says, grabbing my hand in hers "And I don't really know how to explain this, because I don't even get it myself, but I feel like…"

She hesitates for a second, and I squeeze her hand in encouragement "I feel like I'll never be happy again, no matter what I do, and that kind of makes me wonder… if it's worth it, y'know?"

"What, doll?" I ask, trying to ignore the way the back of my eyes is burning. I think I know what she's going to say, and God, please don't let it be that...

"Living" She answers, and I feel like someone just stabbed me in the guts with a knife. Fuck, she can't be thinking like this, man. She can't be actually considering that.

"So, you want to die?" I ask, not being able to hide the pain in my voice.

"I don't know" She answers with an honesty that's heartbreaking "I have been sad before, miserable even, but not like this" She starts to cry again and I cup her face in my hands, gluing our foreheads together "I don't know if I want to die, I never really wanted to die before, but…"

"Say it, Jackie"

"I wouldn't be opposed to" She finishes and I squeeze my eyes shut, like someone does when they're about to be knocked out in a fight "I'm not saying that I will kill myself, I just..."

"No, Jackie, no" I say, frantically grabbing her face in my hands, and desperately looking her in the eyes. I know I'm crying, but I don't give a fuck anymore. If Jackie's heart stop beating, I just know mine will too "You can't leave me, Jackie"

Fuck man, how could I have let things go that bad? Maybe if I've done something different, she wouldn't be thinking of this.

"I'm sorry, but you asked me for the truth and..." She answers with a small voice "And that's the truth. I'm so, so sorry"

"I can't live without you, Jackie" I plead with her "I'm fucking begging you, doll, please, go to therapy, get better. For me, for you, for our future together, alright?"

She wipes her face with her hands and gives me a sad look "What's the point? It probably won't help, and maybe… maybe you'll be better off without me"

"Jackie…" I say, and a sob managed to rip through my throat "Please… Don't leave me"

I hold her as close to me as possible, and I find myself breaking down.

I've been trying to hold myself together for Jackie since her father died, but I can't take it anymore, hearing Jackie saying I'll be better off without her was the last drop.

The levee fucking broke, and there's no way to undo that by now.

I bury my face on her shoulder, and she gently wraps her arms around me as my body starts to shake uncontrollably.

I only remember crying 5 times in my life. 2 of them were because of Edna, the first being when she almost killed me when I was 10, the second being when she left for good. The other 3 times were because of Jackie. First was after the nurse disaster, the second was when she left for Chicago with Donna, and the third was when she lashed out on me when I came here with Forman for the first time.

But I never cried like this before, I never full-on sobbed until my stomach started to hurt, and I never actually managed to soak someone's shirt with my tears.

My mind starts coming up with horrible scenarios again, the same one's I've been having nightmares about: Jackie with an empty bottle of pills in her hand; Jackie with a bloody knife on her hand, her wrists sliced open as the blood kept pouring out of them; Jackie jumping down a window...

"Don't leave me, please don't leave me" I whisper as I cry all over her "I love you, Jackie, please…"

I can feel her body shaking too, and she's holding me just as tight as I'm holding her. If it's up to me, I'll never let her go.

"I love you so fucking much" I mutter "I can't live without you, don't do this to me, Jackie, don't even think about it"

"Steven…" She whispers, she sounds terrified, and I feel her kissing the top of my head as her tiny, trembling hands wipe my face "I didn't say I would do it..."

"You thought about it" I choke through my tears "And you can't do that Jackie, it would kill me"

"Steven…" She says, her voice breaking. I feel one of her hands soothingly running through my hair, her other hand stayed on my back, gripping my shirt just as tightly as I'm gripping hers.

We stay like this for a while, holding each other and crying in each other's arms. My sobs have mainly stopped by now, but every now and then a couple of tears manage to escape my eyes. I don't bother enough to wipe them and I let them soak through Jackie's shirt. Her fingers are still running through my hair, managing to comfort me in a way only her can.

I press a gentle kiss on her neck and I feel her chest moving up and down as she takes a deep breath.

"I'll do it" She says hesitantly, and I find myself having trouble breathing again, fearing the worst.

"You'll do what, Jackie?" I ask fearfully

"I'll go to therapy" She says, trying to sound self-assured this time, and I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

More tears leave my eyes, this time, they're from relief. I raise my head from her shoulder and I look deeply into her reddish eyes.

"Are you serious?" I ask, rubbing her cheeks with my thumbs "Please tell me you're serious"

"Yes" She says, and I kiss her forehead tenderly "I'll do it for you"

"Thank you" I say, and I glue our lips together in a chaste, yet lingering kiss, feeling the salty taste of tears. At this point I don't know if they're mine or hers.

"I'm scared, but… I love you Steven, and I want to get better for you" She mumbles "And if therapy's going to help, then I'll go"

I kiss the top of her head and hold her as close to me as possible, burying my nose on her hair again "I love you so fucking much, thank you"

She just nods against my chest, and we lay down hugging in bed. I place a few gentle kisses on the top of her head as I wait for her to fall asleep.

As I feel her breath deepening, I tense up again.

Jackie mentioned suicide to me, and that's not something I'll forget anytime soon. As soon as Jackie's fully asleep, I'm talking to Donna and Forman, I'm going to need their help.

Because I plan on confiscating every single pill in this apartment, hiding every knife, all the cleaning supplies, and installing a special lock on every single window.

Jackie agreeing to go to therapy is a big step, a very important step, but it's only step one.

DONNA

"Hyde?" I ask after I hear the soft noise of someone lightly closing Jackie's bedroom door, lifting my head from Eric's shoulder and turning around.

Eric and I are currently watching TV, well, at least Eric is. I can't stop thinking about Jackie. She and Hyde have been locked up in her room for over an hour now. Normally, I wouldn't be concerned, because that's basically what they've been doing since her dad died, and I know Hyde can take care of her.

But Hyde sounded tired today, more tired than usual, and I have this weird feeling, a bad feeling.

"Hey" Hyde said unenthusiastically

He looks like a wreck; I've never seen him like this before. He's not wearing his sunglasses, so his reddish and swollen eyes are visible, which means that he was crying not that long ago. Eric and I exchange worried looks, we leap off the couch and follow Hyde to the kitchen, and we find him drinking a glass of water.

"What happened?" I ask "Is she alright?"

"No" Hyde answers honestly "We need to talk"

"What happened?" Eric asks

"Jackie mentioned suicide to me today" Hyde says, looking defeated, and my heart starts beating frantically inside my chest

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Hyde warned me about this shit, he warned me things could get this bad, but I told him not to worry, I said that all the research he was doing was making him paranoid…

I should've listened to him.

"What do you mean?" Eric asks "What exactly did she say? You need to tell us everything, man"

"Alright," Hyde said, taking a deep breath. "I asked her to tell me how she was feeling, and she refused to. Said she didn't want to make me sad. I begged her to tell me and she broke down and said that she doesn't know if it's worth it anymore"

Eric and I exchange looks. We're pretty sure what Jackie meant, but I need for Hyde to say it.

"What isn't, Hyde?" I ask, my eyes filling with tears and I brace myself for his answer.

"Living. She said she doesn't know if living is worth it" He says, I look into his teary eyes and my own eyes watered in response. Jackie always said that you could see everything Hyde's feeling through his eyes, and right now, I can't see anything other than pain. "Then I asked if she wanted to die and she said she was indifferent to it, that it doesn't matter anymore to her. Do you have any idea how worthless that made me feel?"

I swallow down my tears. Hyde doesn't need to see me crying, not after hearing what he just heard from Jackie. "Has she said anything else?" I ask

"She also told me she doesn't trust her own mind anymore. I was so fucking scared man, she sounded like… like she really wanted to die, y'know? She said I'd be better off without her, I felt like someone was twisting a knife on my guts" He says, looking down at the floor

"Has she said anything else?" Eric asks, and Hyde nods

"After she said that, man… I snapped" Hyde confesses "I think I scared her… She said she'll go to therapy for me"

I look at Eric and we exchange small, victorious smiles.

"She agreed to go to therapy? Oh my God, Hyde, that's wonderful!" I celebrate

"It doesn't erase the fact that she wants to die, Donna" He says sadly, and I hug Eric's side

"But it's a step, man" Eric says "Her first step to recovery"

"I've already searched for good therapists here in Chicago and I have the number of a few… Mrs. Forman can help me choose one and we'll schedule an appointment" I say, not able to wipe the smile from my face "This is good news, Hyde."

"Are you forgetting what I just said? About her wanting to die?" He asks incredulously

"No man, it sucks that she's feeling that way, and we all want to make things better for her" Eric says, still holding me "But no one will be able to help her like a therapist, it's a good thing, Hyde"

"Well, yeah…" He says, quickly washing his cup and drying it with a dish towel before putting it back on the cabinet "But I'm still fucking worried about her, and I'm gonna need your help with something"

"Anything, man" Eric says, and I nod

Hyde takes a deep breath and looks at me with a very determined look on his face "I want to hide all the pills, all the cleaning supplies, all the knives… everything that can possibly be life threatening in this apartment, I want it gone"

"Hyde…" I start "Do you really think this is necessary?"

"Of course it is, man!" He says "In fact, we should've done this shit sooner. Are you going to help me or not?"

"Is this really a good idea?" Eric asks hesitantly, and Hyde sighs

"It'll help me sleep better at night" Hyde answers, sending us a pleading look, and I nod, following him into the bathroom and watching as he starts to confiscate all the drugs in the medicine cabinet.

This is going to be a long night.

A/N: I know, I know, I was supposed to have updated this Sunday, and I'm really sorry I wasn't able to, please don't get mad lol.

Here's the thing, those last few weeks were really crappy for me, and I decided to focus a little bit more on RYLH this week because writing it cheers me up a lot. This chapter was practically done, but it's particularly a very sad one and I kind of didn't want to deal with it at that moment.

My country is currently experiencing its worst moments of the pandemic. We reached over 400.000 deaths to covid-19, and we just lost a huge public figure a week ago, his name was Paulo Gustavo. He was only 42 years old, and he was an incredible person. I don't know a single person who disliked him, and the whole country is mourning right now.

Paulo Gustavo was a comedian, he's known for his character "Dona Hermínia", a loud suburban mother who managed to make plenty of people laugh during those tough times. He was also a huge LGBTQ advocate, and a big example to all the LGBTQ people who want to have a family of their own. He and his husband fought so hard to be able to have children, and they did it in the end. Paulo is survived by his husband Thales, and his two one-year old boys, Romeu and Gael.

His death hit me really, really hard, it was the first time a celebrity death actually hurt. I felt like I lost someone very close to me.

It physically pains me to watch the news, there are so many people dying, so many families mourning the loss of their loved ones to this horrible virus, and our president is an insensitive asshole, who many times encouraged big gatherings and spread a huge amount of fake news regarding the vaccines and the use of masks.

I can't take it anymore, Bolsonaro should be held accountable for all the horrible things he'd said and done during this pandemic, he somehow has a big number of followers, and these people listen to him and follow his horrible examples. It pisses me off so much, I never actually hated anyone before, but this guy is… he's definitely challenging my limits :)

So I really needed some positive energy, that's why I focused on RYLH (btw, I posted a new chapter three days ago), and on the fluffy one-shots from the prompt game.

I'm so sorry for venting, I know this has absolutely nothing to do with the story, but I just figured I owed you guys an explanation.

Now back to this chapter… It was sad, but Jackie finally accepted help, and things are going to start getting better from now on. It's a process, a slow one, depression doesn't go away with a few sessions of therapy, but it's Jackie's first step to recovery!

And honestly, Hyde's been so strong during those last few chapters, the fact that he broke down after hearing Jackie's words shouldn't be surprising.

The next chapter is supposed to narrate Jackie's first therapy session, but I'm honestly still deciding if I'm going to keep that scene or not. Therapy is a very difficult thing to write, especially if you're not a therapist and haven't been to therapy in a while. I don't want to create any misconceptions, I want this story to be realistic, and I found out I can't really write a realistic therapy session for Jackie. This story takes place in 1980, therapy was way different back then, and I really don't want to just "wing it".

I think I'm going to have Jackie telling Hyde about her therapy sessions instead of writing the therapy session itself. It would be easier for me and I would feel better writing it, but the final call is yours, so please let me know your preference!

I believe this is all! Again, I'm sorry for venting and for the long ass note. Please let me know your thoughts about this chapter in a review.

Thank you all so much for reading!