30 - The Final Cut

And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
...
Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut

When Hyde woke up, Edna was nowhere in sight.

There was no distinct scenery, just a dark grey nothingness filled with shadows that seemed to pulse and move with every passing second. Hyde turned around. His friends were all standing together about twenty feet away. Jackie seemed to be banging on an invisible wall.

He rushed over to her. He tried to reach out to her, but his hand touched an invisible barrier between them.

"Jackie, can you hear me?" Hyde asked, pressing his hand flat against the wall.

Jackie pressed her hand against his. "Yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me?"

Hyde nodded.

"Where the hell are we?" Donna asked, Forman clutching onto her.

"We're inside Steven's mind," Jackie said.

Cold dread seeped down Hyde's spine. He didn't want his friends to see what was in his mind. They couldn't know what existed in this space, this space that had been so damaged by so many people.

"How do you know?" Kelso asked from where he was seated on the ground next to Fez.

"I spent two weeks trapped in my own brain. I know what it's like," Jackie said.

Hyde hated the sadness in her voice. He wanted to hold her in his arms and make that sadness go away. Instead, he resolved to get them out of here as fast as possible. "All right, Edna, what's the point of this?"

"The point is to make you realize how much you ruined my life," Edna said.

"All you're gonna do is prove that you're an abusive parent," Hyde said.

"We'll see about that once you start reliving it," Edna said.

Hyde looked down at his shoes. Dammit, Edna. He looked back up at Jackie. "What you're gonna see won't be… It's not gonna be good."

"I know. We can handle it," Jackie said.

"Oh, if you really don't like one of your memories, just start thinkin' about having sex with Jackie," Kelso said. Fez nodded.

Hyde glared at them both. "If there wasn't a wall here, I'd hit you. I don't care that you died recently."

"No, hold on, that's kind of a good idea," Jackie said. Hyde gave her a look. "Not the part about us making love. That's only for us. But thinking about your good memories can take you out of the bad ones, if the memory is good enough."

Hyde nodded. He wanted to get this whole thing over with already, but…

"Steven…" Jackie said quietly, "No matter what I see, I will still love you as much as I do in this moment. Which is a lot, more than you can imagine. Nothing will change that, okay?"

"Okay," Hyde said, voice barely above a whisper.

"Steven," a new voice said from behind him. He turned to see Edna, wearing her lunch lady's uniform. The grey shadows of his mind melted away into his childhood home.

"Steven," Edna repeated. "Get in the house right now! Where the hell have you been?"

"Just out, Ma," Hyde responded. "The Formans', like usual."

"You're a shit liar, Steven. Get in the house," Edna demanded.

If this had happened to Hyde today, he would've walked away from the house. But this was a memory, something that happened to Hyde years ago, when he was just seventeen and trying to survive. So he went inside the house.

"Where were you? Really," Edna asked.

"I told you, I was with Forman," Hyde said. "Where the hell else would I go?"

"I know you're lying. I got a call from the police station."

Hyde tensed. "So you know it was a misunderstanding."

"I don't give a shit. You were still arrested. Just like your father."

Hyde clenched his jaw. "Are you ever gonna stop comparing me to him?"

"Once you stop being like him, I will." Edna stepped closer to him. He stepped back reflexively. That was the wrong move, because her hand flew out and her nails dug into his arm. "You're good for nothing but trouble."

Hyde tried to pull his arm out of her grasp. She held him tighter. He stopped fighting.

Edna glared at him and released his arm with a forceful shove. "Get out of my sight."

Hyde walked to his room, closing the door behind him. He made sure not to slam it, because that would just make her angrier. He waited until he heard her door close, then he sat on his bed. He looked at the deep red nail marks on his arm.

Jackie's voice brought Hyde out of the memory and back to the grey shadows of his mind. He had gotten lost in the memory.

"Steven didn't even do anything wrong! Why the hell would you hurt him like that?" Jackie asked, her question directed at Edna.

"All right, let's try a different one," Edna said. "See how you feel then."

Hyde was pushed into a different memory, another one where he was coming home at the end of the day. Hyde knew what day this was. This was the day of Donna and Forman's first date, the day he officially gave up on trying to get with Donna.

He entered the house to find Edna on the couch, making out with some random guy. He looked up at the ceiling. "Seriously, Ma?"

"Why the hell are you here, Steven? You said you'd be out," Edna said.

"Yeah, well, my plans changed."

"Edna, who's this guy?" the guy on top of Edna asked.

"My bastard son," Edna said, glaring at Hyde. He glared right back at her. "Get out of my house. You said you'd be out, so get out."

"No," Hyde said. He braced himself, because he knew what was coming next. This had been one of the only times he'd ever really stood up to Edna.

"What the hell did you just say?" Edna stood up off the couch and walked towards him.

"No. I'm not gonna spend another night wandering the streets because you want to sleep with some guy. I've already had a shitty night and I'm not gonna let you make it any shittier," Hyde said.

"You think you're having a shitty night? You're the one ruining my date!"

"Maybe if you weren't a drunk that dated other drunks, you could have your date somewhere other than this house! Where your son lives!" Hyde was close to yelling, so he lowered his voice a bit. "I'm so tired of seeing you with all these guys every other night."

"I'm not getting with some slut," the random guy said, standing up. "I'm outta here." He left the house.

Edna glared at Hyde. "You little shit, now you've really ruined my night."

"I don't care. I really don't. Because I'm fucking done with this little routine we have. You get drunk, end up with a guy, and I have to see all of it! I'm sick of it."

Edna slapped him across the face. He flinched back, but glared at her. Tears were rising in his eyes, but he would die before he let them fall in front of her.

"And where would you be without me? Oh, that's right, homeless and frozen on the streets," Edna said.

"Where would you be without me? I'm the one that's always making sure you don't choke on your vomit when you come home wasted. One of these days, I should just let you choke," Hyde said.

Edna slapped him again. It took everything in him not to hit back. But he wouldn't stoop to that level. "Get out of my sight before I really throw you on the streets."

Hyde gave her one last glare before going to his room. He slammed the door, not even caring that it would make her mad. He was done with this.

Once again, Jackie's voice brought him out of the memory. "It is not your fault for fighting back, Steven. It is not your fault for getting fed up with her abuse."

Hyde looked over at Jackie across his mind. Her hands were pressed flat against the invisible wall, like she was trying to push through it. He was so glad she was here, because he wasn't sure he would make it out otherwise.

Then she faded away as a new memory faded in. His stomach dropped as a song he hadn't heard in years started playing. He'd stopped listening to this song because it always brought him back to this day.

"Cracklin' Rosie, get on board… We're gonna ride till there ain't no more to go… Taking it slow..."

The year was 1972. He was around twelve. The radio was playing in the living room. He was sitting on the couch, reading MAD magazine.

It was the day Bud left. The day Hyde lost the one thing standing between him and Edna. This day had left permanent scars, on his body and mind. That was why he'd stopped listening to this song. Because every time he heard it, it brought him back to this moment, back to this couch, back to Edna's hysterical rage.

He didn't want to do this again. He couldn't do this again.

He remembered what Jackie had said. "...thinking about your good memories can take you out of the bad ones, if the memory is good enough."

Hyde closed his eyes, knowing Edna was entering the house at that moment. He had to get out of here before she carried out the memory. He thought of one of his favorite days with Jackie.

They were sitting on the side of the hood of her Lincoln, the radio playing through the open windows. Currently, it was Let's Go by The Cars.

"She's a frozen fire, she's my one desire… I don't want to hold her down… Don't want to break her crown… When she says, 'Let's go… I like the nightlife baby'..."

It was Veteran's Day, two years since their very first date. Hyde had already given Jackie his jacket to recreate the night.

"Am I your one desire?" Jackie asked, flashing him a teasing smile.

"You bet," Hyde said. He put his arm around her shoulders. Jackie snuggled into his side.

They listened to the song for a little bit. As it wrapped up, Jackie said, "You know, after that date I thought we'd never be together. I thought you would end up just being some kind of rebound and we would both kind of forget about it. But then Michael left and…"

"Our fling happened?"

Jackie looked up at him. "And I fell in love with you."

Hyde's heart warmed, as it did every time she said she loved him. He leaned in and kissed her. When they parted, he said, "I didn't feel anything. Did you feel anything?"

Jackie smacked him lightly and he laughed. "Shut up," she said, but she was smiling. Then her smile faded. "Do you mean it?"

"Of course not." He put his hand under her chin and pulled her in for another kiss, making sure it was a good one. "You know… I felt something during that first kiss too."

"Really?"

"Yeah. First time a kiss made me feel something like that."

Jackie smiled and kissed him again.

"Stop that!" Edna yelled, yanking Hyde out of the memory and back to his mind.

"Stop torturing Steven!" Jackie yelled back.

"Yeah, stop making Hyde relive your shitty parenting!" Forman said.

"No. He has to see how he ruined my life." Edna forced him into a new memory, once again in his childhood home.

He knew where this one was going. The living room was set up for poker night. Empty bottles were strewn across the floor. Hyde was leaving his room to get out of the house.

He knew it would lead to Edna's friends insulting him, Edna verbally abusing him and he knew he wouldn't be leaving the house. He didn't feel like playing out every moment of that, so he thought about one of the nights he'd gone over to Jackie's house while her parents were gone.

Edna's house transformed into the Burkharts' mansion. Hyde knocked on the door, several vinyl albums under his arm.

Jackie opened the door and let him in. "Hey. Thanks for spending the night while my parents are gone."

"No problem. This time, I brought some actually good music, too. I'm not doing another night of ABBA and the Carpenters."

"First of all, my music is great. Second, what did you bring?" Jackie asked as they walked to the living room. Jackie sat on the couch and Hyde walked over to the fancy phonograph they had.

He showed the albums as he announced them. "Pink Floyd's Animals, Led Zeppelin IV, Van Morrison's Moondance and- I picked this one with you in mind- Cheap Trick's In Color."

"With me in mind? Let's listen to that first."

Hyde placed the other albums on the floor next to the phonograph. He took the vinyl out of the cover and placed it on side one, carefully putting the needle on the edge. The album began to play through Jackie's nice speakers.

Hyde sat next to Jackie, putting his arm up on the back of the couch near her shoulders.

Hyde's memory skipped ahead to slightly later in the album, the song I Want You To Want Me.

"I want you to want me… I need you to need me… I'd love you to love me… I'm begging you to beg me…"

"I like this song. And this is a pretty good album, so far," Jackie said.

"You can keep it, if you want. You should have some good music to keep here for when I come over," Hyde said.

Jackie smiled at him. "Thanks again for staying with me."

"No problem. I spent plenty of nights home alone after my dad left and Edna started leaving town. I know how it feels and I don't want to put you in that position."

The memory was shattered by Edna saying, "Don't act like you're the one who got hurt. I bet you appreciated those nights alone."

Hyde closed his eyes, blocking out his shadowy mind. "I didn't, actually. No kid wants to spend multiple nights alone in a house with no food."

"You wouldn't have that house to live in without me!" Edna said.

"I would have been better off without you!" Hyde said.

"Oh yeah? Let's take a look at how you handled me leaving for good, shall we?"

His mind went back to the house. He was pacing in his room. "It's been a week, Edna… when the hell are you coming back?"

He sighed. He knew she wasn't coming back. He couldn't explain it, he just knew.

"Dammit!" he yelled. He ripped the Deep Purple poster off his wall, tearing it in half as he did so. He took the books off his shelves and threw them across the room. He needed to take his anger out on something.

Eventually, he stopped throwing things. He collapsed on the edge of his bed and tears started to rise in his eyes.

He was going to starve. Or he would become homeless. He would have to drop out of high school. He was going to become like the rest of his family, a dropout. Next step was prison or death.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he said under his breath. "Shit."

He scrubbed his face with his hands. His life was over.

"Not as independent as you thought, huh?" Edna said.

"Shut up!" Hyde yelled.

"I don't think I will. I don't think I 've proved my point yet."

His room transformed into the kitchen. He was looking through the cabinets, most of which were completely empty or had expired food in them.

Hyde sighed. He wouldn't be able to eat here tonight. "Ma, can I have some money for dinner?"

"No," Edna said before taking a sip of whiskey.

"Why, 'cause you spent it all on booze?" Hyde asked. Normally, he wouldn't be that blunt with her, but he was hungry and getting pretty mad.

Edna glared at him and kicked his shin from her seat on the couch. He stepped out of her reach so she couldn't do it again. Edna stood up and put him back in her reach.

"What am I supposed to eat?" he asked.

"I don't give a shit," Edna said. "You're a smart kid, figure something out."

She kicked his shin one more time for good measure, then walked back to her room.

The memory transformed before Hyde could even comment on the last one. He was much younger. He was at the mall's security desk.

"Son, what number should we call to reach your parents?" the guard asked.

"I don't know. They probably won't answer anyway," Hyde said. "They were drunk. They forgot me. Whatever."

The guard furrowed his eyebrows. "Not 'whatever,' that's a problem. Do you feel safe at home? Do they ever hurt you?"

Hyde looked down at the ground. Yeah, they hurt him. He had a long scratch near his shoulder from Edna's nail. "I don't wanna talk about it."

The guard frowned, but nodded. "Do you want me to give you a ride home or do you want to wait for your parents to come back for you?"

Hyde chewed the inside of his cheek. "They probably won't remember me until tomorrow, so…"

"Come on, I'll drive you home." The guard led him out to his car. Hyde directed him to his house, then thanked him for the ride. He waited until the guy was gone to go inside completely.

"Steven! Where the hell have you been?" Edna asked.

"You left me at the mall!" Hyde said. "You forgot about me!"

"Ah, you know, I did feel like I was forgetting something," Bud said.

"And you didn't say anything, you asshole?" Edna said, turning on Bud.

"How am I the asshole? You're just as wasted as me!" Bud's voice was rising.

As Edna retorted, Hyde shut his eyes. This had been just one of many fights, but it had been one of the more violent ones. It would turn violent any second, he knew that. He hated reliving these terrible memories, these days that he hadn't been able to erase from his mind or, in some cases, his body.

He couldn't take it anymore.

As Edna and Bud's yelling became louder, Hyde closed his eyes tighter, making colors burst behind his eyelids. A tingling feeling began to rise in his fingers. His mind identified it as magic almost immediately. The feeling intensified as Bud's beer bottle smashed on the ground.

He was fed up with reliving these memories. These countless memories of hunger, yelling, drinking, hitting, abandonment, anger, sadness, embarrassment and pain. And at the center of it all, Edna. Edna with her long nails and her slurred words and her irrational anger.

Hyde couldn't take it anymore.

Then, Edna's arm swung out and hit him. He had never known if that hit was an accident or on purpose. But he definitely couldn't take another hit from her.

"STOP!" Hyde yelled. The magic feeling in his arm burst from his fingers, feeling sharp and blade-like.

In a fraction of a second, the pulsing shadows that made up his mind were gone and they were back on the grassy hill. Jackie and the rest of them were standing there, gaping at something.

Hyde turned around to see Edna clutching her chest, blood trickling over her hands slowly. Hyde's jaw dropped and his vision blurred. Slowly, he dropped to his knees. Edna did as well.

"Steven, you…" she said, voice breathy and shocked, "You cut me. You little shit, you used the magic and you cut me."

Hyde had no idea what to say. His mother was bleeding out, dying, right in front of him, and it was his fault. All he could do was stare helplessly, horrified, as blood poured out of Edna's chest over through her fingers, staining her clothes and the grass beneath her.

The words from the prophecy Tarot gave him echoed in his mind.

In the mountains, you shall see
What is and what should never be
Her blood you shall spill
Her blood will decorate the hill

Though you refuse to see
This is your destiny
Since the day you were born
Your fate has been sworn

He'd thought the prophecy was about Jackie, but it was Edna all along. It was his destiny. From the moment he had come out of Edna's womb, he had been destined to kill her. It was inevitable.

Edna stared at him as blood continued to pulse out of her chest, in time with her fading heartbeat. "You little shit… You fucking killed me. I wish you were never born."

Hyde glared at her through his tear-blurred eyes. "Even in death you're still fucking abusing me." His breath left him shakily. "You really hated me, didn't you?"

"I hated you since the moment I found out you were growing inside of me." Edna's voice was scratchy and barely audible. "Still hate you."

Hyde had nothing else to say to her. He clutched the grass between his fingers, needing something to ground him while he watched his mother die. Her blood pooled around her body, which was going limp. The blood trickled down the hill, onto his hands and knees.

In her dying breath, Edna managed to say, "I hate you." Her body stilled, never to move again. Hyde's head dropped to his knees. Edna had died a hateful, spiteful monster of a person. Her life had been a series of bad decisions, of revenge and misplaced blame.

Hyde looked up at her body. In that moment, kneeling in a pool of blood on a grassy hill with his mother's dead body, Hyde made a promise to himself. He would not let hate or spite control him.

He would not become his mother.