Chapter 30-Jane
It was almost three days since she left her room or saw her husband. She learned from Georgiana that he had visited her many times while she was asleep. Was I too harsh on him? Maybe I was. But what am I to do? He has an effect on me that unsettles me in every way.
I must despise him, hate him, and want to run away from him. But I do not feel that way.
She knew that the anger she felt towards him was due to the power he had to hurt her.
Why can't he see that I never trapped him? Will he never see that? What if he knows the truth one day and then accepts me? I do not want that. That would be the worst way of gaining his affection.
She headed to the breakfast parlour, trying to calm herself. As always, Darcy was there.
Darcy got up the moment he saw her. He took a long time to speak. She still looks so pale.
"I hope you are feeling better." He asked formally.
"I am. Thank you."
She avoided looking at him. They ate in silence. Darcy wanted to say so many things to her but did not know where to start.
A couple of days passed in the same way. He found her in the library one evening.
Before her fever, they had established a routine to spend time together in the library.
Darcy stood in front of her, hoping that he would have a chance to converse with her like before.
Elizabeth stood when she saw him and gathered her books and walked towards the door.
"Elizabeth, may I speak to you?"
She looked at him with a blank expression.
"I do understand why you want to avoid me. I am not here to justify my actions. You care about Emma as much as I do. My most sincere apologies for my words that day. I know we were getting to know each other, and I wish we can go back to the way..."
"I do not want to." Elizabeth replied bluntly.
"I do not want to, Mr Darcy. You have stated many times that this is a marriage of convenience. But maybe I have never made my stance clear. I want the same. I do not want to have anything but a formal relationship with you. And I assure you I will not do anything to cause doubt about our relationship. You may believe a lot of things about my character, but I will not be toyed. I beg of you to leave me alone. That is the only thing I ask you."
Darcy could feel the emotion in her voice. What am I to do now? I have hurt you a lot, and I do not know how to make amends.
She left him as he did not answer her. She hated the fact that she was feeling something for him which he would never reciprocate. I have to safeguard my heart. It is better this way.
The next couple of days passed swiftly. Jane and Bingley arrived in Pemberley. Elizabeth was elated to see her sister. Georgiana liked Jane a lot.
Darcy saw how happy his friend was in his marriage.
Only if I had trusted her, things might have been different for us as well.
"You look well, Jane. I hope your trip to the lakes was to your liking."
"Yes, I did love it. Lizzy, are you well? You seem to have lost weight, and you look pale."
Elizabeth explained that she had fallen sick. Jane was worried for her sister. She saw that her sister was comfortable and happy around Emma and Georgiana. But Jane knew that something was not right between her and Darcy. She wanted to find out.
"Lizzy, please tell me about your life here. Are you comfortable?"
"Yes Jane, I am."
"Are you happy?"
Elizabeth did not expect such a question.
"I am. I am happy and comfortable." She replied, trying to sound normal.
"Is everything well between you and Mr Darcy?"
"Everything is fine. Why do you ask?"
Elizabeth was not ready to reveal the state of her marriage to her sister. Jane is happy in her married life. I cannot disclose my state of affairs. Her heart will never be happy once she knows about me.
" I know that Mr Darcy did not believe you about the compromise. Have you solved everything?"
" Yes, we have. We are still getting to know each other. But otherwise, everything is fine. Please do not worry about me."
Jane knew that her sister was not telling her the truth. She did not know how to help her. The next morning Emma was present for breakfast.
Emma was excited to play with Jane and enjoyed the attention from the guests.
"Libby taught me to play the pirate game. Will you play with me? " She asked Jane.
"Of course, I will. Growing up, your aunt Libby was obsessed with pirates."
Darcy listened keenly.
"Lizzy made us turn the table yesterday to pretend as if we were in a pirate ship." Georgiana said. Jane laughed.
"That is what she used to do until our mother got tired of it. My father helped her builds a treehouse in the garden, and she called it their pirate ship."
"Lizzy, that is so exciting. How long did you take to build it?
"It was my father who did most of the building. I think we took a month or so."
"She used to sit there for hours reading and even spot the boys in our neighbourhood if they came to steal our chestnuts. She also had a flag tied on one of the branches." Jane said, smiling at the memory.
Darcy watched his wife's face brighten up at the memory of her childhood.
"You said the tenants had three children. I am sure they enjoy the treehouse." Elizabeth said to Jane.
" Oh! Yes! I met them in church. Mrs Hill told me that they thought the treehouse would be risky for the younger ones, so they had it torn down." Elizabeth dropped her spoon into the plate in shock. Darcy noticed his wife turn white.
She was seated beside him, and he saw the tears build up in her eyes. Jane noticed her sister's distress and felt guilty for the blunder.
She knew how much she loved the treehouse and the memory associated with it.
Georgiana being oblivious to Elizabeth's distress, continued the conversation on the same topic. "Georgiana, would you take Mrs Bingley to the gardens after breakfast. I heard she is particularly fond of plants." Darcy diverted the conversation.
"Yes, Jane does. She has added so much to the gardens in Netherfield. She has so much patience." Mr Bingley added, never missing a chance to compliment his wife.
Elizabeth felt grateful for Darcy's intervention. Darcy wanted to hold her hand and comfort her. He watched helplessly as she dabbed her eyes and continue with her meal.
He overheard the conversation between the sisters as they left the breakfast parlour.
"Lizzy, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have told you about the treehouse. It was so insensitive of me."
"That is alright, Jane. Papa is no more. It does not matter if the treehouse is there or not." Darcy felt the grief in her voice.
Jane squeezed her sister's hand. Darcy watched in agony, fighting the need to comfort her. She had not discussed her father or family with him. He remembered the sadness in her eyes during their earliest acquaintance before the ball. She must still grieve the loss of her father. And I have been oblivious to it all.
Georgiana took Jane to the gardens. Darcy and Mr Bingley planned to go for a ride. Darcy changed into his riding dress and headed downstairs. He spotted Jane in the gardens.
" I thought Georgiana was showing you around, Mrs Bingley."
"She was. She just left me. Your estate is beautiful."
"I thank you. I wish you can stay longer; Bingley tells me you can spare only a couple of days more."
"We would love to stay too. But we have been away for a long time, Caroline and Louisa have left for town. So, we are anxious to get back."
"Elizabeth would love to have you stay longer."
Jane was silent.
"Mr Darcy, I am sorry about what happened this morning. I caused Lizzy a lot of distress during breakfast."
"I understand that she was very close to her father." Darcy said, deep in thought.
"She was. Lizzy was papa's favorite too. As much as we all grieved his loss, Lizzy was the worst affected." Jane sensed Darcy's dilemma to press her for details. I need to tell him about her. He needs to know how much she has suffered.
"Mr Darcy, the Elizabeth you see now is not her true self. She used to laugh, sing and enjoy life in her own beautiful way. After my father's death, our lives turned upside down. But she stood up for the whole family and took the affairs of Longbourn into her hands. She has been our pillar of strength. My father understood her well, unlike my mother. Lizzy was never close to our mother. And their relationship became more strained after Mr Collins visited us." She looked at him, unable to continue further.
"I know about the proposal she received from Mr Collins. She did not tell me. I became aware of it from Lady Catherine."
"She always wanted to marry for love. She rejected Mr Collins, and my mother was not happy. As fate would have it, my father died in the next few months. She was blamed for our state of distress."
"What? How can she be responsible?" Darcy asked, puzzled.
"My mother blamed her that she could have secured our future with Mr Collins. Almost every day, she brought up the topic. It was very difficult for Lizzy."
How horrible it must have felt to bear the blame, and then she ends up with me.
"Mr Collins is one of the stupidest men I have ever met. I don't see how she could have ever accepted him."
"I think he harboured a lot of ill will towards her. That is why he was so unreasonable in negotiating Longbourn."
"Is this treehouse completely torn down?"
"Yes, I believe it is. Lizzy used to spend a lot of time there. It was something my father did for her happiness. I shouldn't have mentioned it. I am sure I hurt her."
"Why doesn't she play or sing? I mean has remarkable skills. She plays when Georgiana asks her to."
" As I told you, she stopped being herself after my father's death. She never played, saying that it reminded her of him. She hardly slept for many months. I used to find her in the library in the early hours. She never recovered from his loss. Now I see her laughing with Emma. I feel that there is hope for her to go back to her old self. She used to be so playful. I am happy to see a little of that now. "
"I hope so too." He said, despising himself for hurting a woman who was already suffering so much within.
Darcy wanted to set everything right, but he knew that whatever he had done could not be undone within moments. I love her. I know that. Maybe there is a way to express my feelings and show her that I care. He headed to the woods along with Bingley and hardly paid any attention to his friend. His eyes were in search of the strongest tree in the woods of Pemberley.
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