Mr. Darcy wanted to know why she had jilted him. Elizabeth knew that she had to answer him, but she wanted to do it in such a way that she did not drive him away. She could not lie to him. He had once told her that disguise of every sort was his abhorrence. If she hid the truth from him now, he would inevitably find out the truth later. She had to be honest with him now, but she had been oh so stupid then. How to deal with that? How to explain it? Stupidity, by definition, was not justifiable.
Maybe it was too late to matter anyway. Mr. Darcy also told her that his good opinion once lost, was lost forever. Maybe his good opinion was already lost; there was nothing she could do; he was lost to her forever.
No, she would not give up before she even started. Her stubbornness was such she could never bear to be frightened away from any challenge. Her courage would always rise to the occasion. Elizabeth lifted her chin and smiled at the most important man in her life.
"Mr. Darcy, I hope you haven't been waiting too long." Not giving Mr. Darcy time to reply, Elizabeth took his arm and nudged him into a turn towards the steps. "Shall we take a look at the garden; it's too dark to see individual plants, but perhaps, with the aid of the full moon, we can develop an appreciation of the overall design."
They walked down the steps and into the garden. They stopped where the graveled garden path forked. Elizabeth gestured behind her at her maid, Polly, who had followed but then halted at the top of the steps. "Polly, my maid, will keep us in sight to preserve propriety."
"Certainly, we would not want anyone to call compromise on us; would we?" said Mr. Darcy.
Elizabeth blinked and then saw the corners of Mr. Darcy's lips quirk up. That was a promising sign. "Perhaps if they did, there might be a happier outcome" she said. If only she could exude allure.
Mr. Darcy stared at Elizabeth; his right eyebrow raised. "We should close the book on the first compromise before we start another. Now, you were going to tell me …"
Elizabeth dropped his arm and turned to him as she finished his sentence - "why I jilted you. Before I start on my mea culpa, I want to tell you that I'm sorry for everything that I've done. It has taken me the past ten months to realize, to understand, how stupidly I acted; how I hurt you; how I hurt my sisters; how I hurt myself." She took a deep breath. "I offer the following not as an excuse; but rather as an explanation of my thinking, poor as that might be."
Elizabeth paused to see if Mr. Darcy wanted to say anything but he motioned at her to continue. "At that assembly in Meryton when we first saw each other I overheard you tell Mr. Bingley that I was tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt you, and you were in no humour to give consequence to young ladies who were slighted by other men."
"You heard that?" asked Mr. Darcy. At Elizabeth's nod he said "I was a foul mood that night; someday I might be able to explain why to you; but for now, it suffices to say I was in the wrong and you were right to be offended. Please continue."
"Those comments directed towards me coloured my opinion of you going forward. That poor opinion was reinforced by the way you acted towards the gentlefolk of Meryton. You …"
"Exhibited arrogance, conceit, and a selfish disdain for the feelings of others." Mr. Darcy finished Elizabeth's sentence for her. Seeing her shock, he continued "The good people of Meryton should not feel slighted; it has lately been brought to my attention, that such is how I act towards everyone, the ton included, and I have been roundly chastised for it. So far, you are justified in your jilt; my aunt Matlock has told me that there are several very desirable young ladies in the ton who will have nothing to do with me because of my demeanour. Pray continue."
Elizabeth thought about quitting right there; but it would not be honest; so, she figuratively girded her loins and continued. "During my stay at Netherfield, when I was caring for Jane, I was of the impression that you kept common cause with Miss Bingley and her snide remarks aimed at me and my family. And there also was your alternating attention and lack of attention towards me."
Mr. Darcy sighed. "As to your first charge, I have found, with respect to certain difficult ladies of my acquaintance, such as Miss Bingley, and my Aunt Catherine de Bourgh, that taking the coward's way out of murmuring something that such lady might consider agreement, is the best way to deal with their asinine comments as they will never, ever, be amenable to reason, or concede they might be wrong."
Elizabeth cocked her head at Mr. Darcy. "Really? You are saying that if she had ever learnt Lady Catherine de Bourgh would not have been a great proficient at anything she wanted."
"Yes, ma'am" said Mr. Darcy, very quietly, without moving his lips. When Elizabeth glared at him, he gave her a wide-eyed look and then said "I do not know what you meant by your second charge, that I paid you attention and didn't."
"At Netherfield you were either paying me too much attention, staring at me, arguing with everything I said – you even asked me to dance a reel; or you were totally ignoring me, not speaking to me at meals, not looking at me – we spent half an hour together in the library and you never even acknowledged me."
"I was not staring, I was admiring" Mr. Darcy put up his hand when Elizabeth started to object. "Certainly, by the time of the party at Lucas Lodge, I was often meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow; and that pretty woman was you. I never argued with you; we debated. Yes, I asked you to dance – although it is well known that I do not care to dance, I wanted to dance with you. You will recall I asked you three times before you agreed. As for ignoring you, most of those times Miss Bingley was also present and I did not want to excite her jealousy. You must have been aware she had her sights set on me and she saw you as a rival. By ignoring you I was saving you from her spite; not that you couldn't take care of yourself. As for that time in the library I was acutely aware of your presence, but I did not want to raise your expectations." Again Mr. Darcy put up his hand when Elizabeth started to object. "I know now, from what you've said tonight, that you had none. But then, in my arrogance and conceit, I thought you did and I was not ready at that time to raise your expectations. Let us move on to Rosings, I thought we got on rather well there."