Okay, the last chapter ended on a relatively... depressing note, I guess, so it's time to address what comes next.
On another note, this story has reached the "thirty chapter milestone"... and I can already say for sure that there are at least half as many chapters to come. This story will probably be more than 300k words long once it's finished...
Disclaimer: I don't own Sword Art Online Re:Hollow Fragment or Sword Art Online in general.
Two days had passed since Sinon's "confession". During these two days, Akinym and Sinon hadn't spoken to one another at all. In fact, Sinon hadn't spoken with anyone during most of that time. She had locked herself in her room, and she had hardly reacted to any "visitors" who had tried to talk with her.
Akinym, on the other hand, had to take care of his responsibilities as a councilman. The DDA had found the boss room, and they had to prepare for the boss battle. He was just grateful that he and Sinon didn't have to participate. That could've led to various problems…
Amidst all this, he couldn't think much about what to do about Sinon and her unexpected issue. Frankly, it wouldn't have changed anything if he had had all the time in the world as he had quickly run into a problem he couldn't really do anything about.
On another note, unbeknownst to him, Asuna had actually managed to get Sinon to talk with her earlier that day. She had got Sinon to let her into her room under the pretence of bringing her something to eat. Upon seeing Asuna's worried expression from up close, Sinon couldn't help but at least speak a little bit about what had happened.
Sinon didn't tell her what she and Akinym had talked about, of course. She just told Asuna enough to get the gist of the situation and to understand that about 95 per cent of the partially ludicrous scenarios the others had thought of were, in fact, not what was going on.
In the end, there was the question what to do about the tension between Akinym and Sinon – or to be more precise, the tension Sinon expected to be there between them after their "argument".
Asuna wasn't really sure what kind of advice she could give her friend, but she remembered something Heathcliff had suggested as a solution for disagreements among guild members: When things get heated, don't force the two parties to resolve their conflict – do the opposite! Let them part for the time being, so they calm down! After that, let them talk things out calmly of their own volition, and only interfere to the extent that is necessary for their missions!
Sinon seemed to take this advice to heart, and knowing that her friend didn't have a nervous breakdown (at least not anymore), Asuna left.
It was evening now, and Akinym sat on the sofa in his room, thinking once more about what to do to fix his current issue with Sinon. He had a vague idea as to what he had to do, but there was the question how to do it.
Then, the solution just knocked at his door timidly.
Sinon: Akinym-san? I'd like to say something…
Akinym was a bit surprised, but pleasantly surprised, so he didn't even hesitate to answer the door.
However, when he opened the door, there was a moment of quite awkward silence as Akinym waited for Sinon to say something (as she had "announced"), and Sinon hesitated to do so because she wasn't sure where to start.
Sinon: I guess I should apologise for running off like I did. That… was probably not the best course of action, was it? Avoiding literally everyone for two days didn't help either, so…
Akinym: It's okay. Given the circumstances, it was probably to be expected… I guess.
Frankly, Akinym had no idea how a person in Sinon's situation would've "normally" reacted. In fact, her situation seemed to be so out of the ordinary that pondering over "normal reactions" seemed farfetched.
Meanwhile, Sinon was just glad to see that Akinym didn't hold her behaviour against her. She had been worried that he'd think she had been acting unreasonably.
Now that he thought about it, Akinym figured that they should probably not have this conversation in the corridor, at least not if they really wanted to talk things out in detail. Thus, he stepped slightly to the side and gestured Sinon to come inside.
After Akinym had closed the door behind her, Sinon thought that it was indeed better if nobody else could overhear them talking about anything that concerned… her secret. This led her straight to the next point.
Sinon: I guess I should also thank you for not telling the others about… you know.
Akinym [slightly exasperatedly]: What did you expect? [calmly] You wanted me to keep this secret, so I've kept it secret. [slightly contemplatively] I guess I can understand why you wouldn't want others to know about… that.
Akinym remembered the commotion after someone from the DDA had told pretty much the entire Assault Team about the fact that he had killed someone "needlessly". It had taken a lot of explanations, persuasion and help from people such as Klein and Agil for things to settle down again after that.
Sinon: Anyway, I won't bother you with this issue again! We can still form a party to work on clearing the remaining floors. [hastily] If that's what you want to do, [slightly insecurely] of course.
Akinym: Well, I don't see any problem with that, [slightly doubtfully] but I'm surprised that you're willing to drop that issue so quickly given how… desperate you've seemed.
Sinon: Well, what should I do? It seems that this is an issue that I have to sort out on my own after all…
Akinym took a seat on the sofa, and that very action gave of "this is going to take a while" vibes.
Akinym [contemplatively]: Is it, though? The fact that you turned to me for advice doesn't make it look as if you're convinced of that yourself.
Sinon: It's not like I could ever turn to anyone for help with this… and right now, I'm not even sure if I was foolish for believing that this would've changed.
Akinym: I see… But what if you weren't? I'm gonna be honest: Sometimes, you just need the help of others to deal with problems, even if they're a completely mental issue. [slightly sternly] And just to make this clear: I'm not telling you some fortune cookie nonsense. I'm speaking from experience.
Sinon [slightly surprised]: Experience? What do you mean?
Akinym [calmly]: You remember how I told you about Amaterrace's death, and how I came to the conclusion to take any actions that would be necessary to prevent this from happening again? What I didn't tell you was what happened… between these events, how I got from point A to point B.
Akinym took a deep breath. It would be a long story, which he certainly didn't even like to talk about, but it might be necessary.
Akinym: You see, when this death game started, I was sure I could solve all of my problems rationally, and that I'd find a clear solution in any situation. Similarly, when I started to work as an instructor, I thought I could do anything that this job would entail. [dejectedly] However, when push came to shove, and Amaterrace was attacked by this orange player, I was in the position to live up to this… declaration, and I could've killed him, a ruthless criminal who would probably only cause problems, to save her, my student, who was clearly important to others and who might've contributed to beating this game – just as I wanted her to. If nothing else, I should've made that choice simply out of obligation as a teacher. But I didn't. [frustrated] Despite all my talk about "doing the rational thing", I couldn't even overcome one single ethical barrier, not even in a situation where absolutely everything seemed to dictate a specific decision.
To be perfectly honest, while Sinon could understand what Akinym was getting at to some degree, for the most part, she wasn't sure if she understood why this was such a problem for him, although this might be because of the fact that Akinym was basically ranting about the fact that he "couldn't bring himself" to do something she had done and felt horrible about now.
Akinym [slightly dejectedly]: Now, after Amaterrace's death, her comrades stopped their training. They… couldn't bear continuing after what had happened. Honestly, I can't blame them. They didn't outright blame me for what had happened, but judging from their reactions, they clearly thought that I should've protected her. It's okay, though… [dejectedly] They couldn't have blamed me more for it than I did myself. [slightly frustrated] After that, the only things I could think about was that I could've prevented that, and if I'd be able to prevent if from happening again. It felt… irresponsible to continue working as an instructor if I didn't even have the resolve to protect my students if I had to. To be honest, I had the feeling that I couldn't do anything that way, not without constant worrying that this incident would repeat itself. Every last bit of confidence in myself was gone, and I spent… weeks, I think, without leaving town.
Sinon: I see… I guess this was a hard time, and I can understand that to some extent. There were times when I didn't even want to set a foot outside my house, mainly because I didn't want to deal with the attitude of other people, though. [slightly confused] But what does this have to do with help from others?
Akinym: Well, you see, during that time I spent locked in my inn room, I figured that the only solution would be to… [slightly at a loss] How should I put it? Commit to rational reasoning? [slightly contemplatively] Well, basically, I thought I would have to make the logical decision next time, but the problem was that I had been sure I could make that decision from the very beginning. [slightly frustrated] However, Amaterrace's death had convinced me that I couldn't. I was even wondering if people could break such taboos just through reasoning to begin with.
Akinym leant back, and he let out a small chuckle, which confused Sinon a bit.
Akinym: Believe it or not, but the person who helped me to get through this was Asuna-san, and she didn't even do anything specifically for that purpose.
Sinon: A-asuna?! W-wait, what do you even mean?
Akinym: After a while – I don't know how much time exactly – I at least went outside again regularly, and I heard people talk about the defeat of a field boss called GeoCrawler. By now, you've probably heard the story, so I'll skip it. To be honest, I didn't hear the full story at that time, only that Asuna-san had suggested to use NPCs as bait, and that the plan had been dropped because of the interference of another player. Well, and that the Assault Team had found another way to defeat the boss, but that's beside the point. Back then, Asuna-san's decision seemed to be exactly what I was aiming for: a logical solution for a difficult problem. A lot of players had started sympathising with the NPCs, so it's not like her suggestion wasn't controversial, but from my point of view, she had looked past all this and saw them as what they were: things that didn't take priority over beating this game as fast and efficiently as possible. Furthermore, Asuna-san was known as a capable and efficient leader, who prioritised beating the game over basically everything else, and she was willing to make quite strict decisions to that end if need be. To sum it up, she seemed like an embodiment of the ideal I had wanted to pursue.
Sinon wasn't sure if she should be astonished or crept out. On second thought, it was most certainly the latter.
Sinon [taken aback]: Now you just sound like a fanboy…
Akinym [slightly annoyed]: Please, don't lump me in with these idiots who think her fighting style is cool and want to marry her for that reason!
Sinon: Are there actually people like that?! I mean, Asuna told me about that, but I still can't really believe it…
Akinym: There are all kinds of idiots… [slightly sternly] That, however, is not the point! The point is that at that time, Asuna-san had given me the feeling that it was possible to be that kind of person: rational, making hard decisions and even certain sacrifices if necessary. It inspired me to be like that, too, just as I had initially claimed, but for real this time, and I was able to move on to the extent that I could… do something again. I basically vowed to become a person who would make any hard and seemingly cruel decision in order to prevent something like Amaterrace's death from happening again if I could do something about it. [slightly exasperatedly] In hindsight, it might've been not the best solution ever, but it still helped me in a time of need. Back then, it was what I had needed.
Sinon [confused]: A-and…?
Akinym [seriously]: Well, when you turned to me for advice, you were expecting a direct solution for your problem, weren't you? I can't give you that, at least not as it is, but maybe I can still help. I'd try to if that's still what you want.
Sinon [surprised]: Y-you would?
Akinym [nods]: I'll try. In order to do that, however, I'll need to know what exactly actually happened. [frustrated] I've been trying to think of something I could do or tell you for the last two days, but I've come to the conclusion that there's literally nothing I can do without knowing more about the events.
Sinon [hesitantly]: B-but… I've told you… that I… you know…
Akinym [dryly]: What you've told me boils down to there being a robbery in your hometown and you shooting someone. For all I know, this could mean that extraterrestrial cats invaded your hometown to rob people, and this somehow inspired you to randomly shoot someone. [seriously] At the same time, I'm pretty sure that this is not what happened, but this raises the question what actually happened.
Sinon wasn't thrilled to talk about it in detail. To some degree, she appreciated Akinym's willingness to help. She thought that since he knew about her secret now anyway, confiding in him about it wasn't a problem in general, but actively reliving all these memories…
Akinym: If you don't want to, that's fine and totally an option. However, I won't be able to do anything in that case. I would have to make a guess about the nature of your situation, and the last time I did something like that, the Assault Team went on strike, I lived in a cave for a few days, Asuna-san might've had one of the worst weeks of her live, and Kirito-san and I almost died. In conclusion, it's safe to assume that I suck at assessing a situation based on very limited information, and I should probably never do that again.
Sinon [calmly]: I get it… Okay.
Sinon sat down in an armchair at the opposite side of the table, so she would face Akinym while explaining what had happened.
Sinon: Alright, I already mentioned that this happened a few years ago in my hometown. [slightly hesitantly] To be more precise, it happened when I… when I went to a post office with my mother. While we were there, a… a man entered the place…
Even though she had expected having a hard time talking about this, Sinon was surprised how hard it really was. She clutched the armrests of her armchair, and she couldn't even look directly at Akinym. In all honesty, she didn't want anyone to get a clear look at the expression she probably had at this moment.
Sinon: That man… I still don't know if he had taken something – some kind of drug – but something about him was just… off. I still remember immediately having a bad feeling, and then, he approached the counter, pushing my mother out of the way, and… h-he… pulled out… a gun. At this point, it became clear that he wanted to rob the post office, and he demanded to fill his bag with money.
Sinon paused again. Now she was getting to the actually bad part, and she wondered how long it would take her to finish said bad part… Her "report" already wasn't exactly fluent.
Sinon: I'm sorry that this is taking so long. I actually know what to say, it's not like I don't remember. It's just… that I need a moment to compose myself, I guess.
However, when she finally took a glance at Akinym, she could see that he had a perfectly calm, somewhat contemplative expression. He was simply waiting for her to tell her story.
Akinym [calmly]: There's no time limit for this, you know? You'll need as much time as you'll need, and that's the end of the story. Stop worrying about this and just tell your story at your own pace!
Frankly, he had expected… certain problems. In the end, Akinym didn't have any idea how (or even if) he could make talking about this easier for Sinon. However, he figured that the bare minimum he should do was to give Sinon all the time she would need to talk about this. Becoming impatient or anything like that was likely to cause even more problems.
Sinon nodded and took a deep breath, trying to focus on continuing her story.
Sinon: The man demanded that the employees wouldn't try to set off the alarm. Well, obviously. But I guess one of them tried to, or maybe the man just thought that this had happened, I actually can't tell. In the end, I was too young and, honestly, way too frightened to understand what was actually happening. I only know that… that the man shot at one of the employees, and he screamed and complained…
Sinon gulped and took another deep breath.
Sinon: Then, he pointed the gun at my mother. To be honest, my memories of what happened afterwards are… kinda fuzzy. I guess something inside me clicked, and before I knew it, I attacked the man. I vaguely remember fighting him, and at some point, he dropped the gun. I managed to grab it before he could, and when he tried to take it from me... the gun went off. Or maybe I fired willingly, I don't remember. What I know is that I shot two more times, and only after that, everything went silent.
Now she hadn't just said what she had done, she had also told the full story. Frankly, she felt horrible after remembering all of it so… vividly. At the same time, however, she also felt – even if just slightly – strangely relieved that she had got this off her chest.
For a moment, Sinon contemplated if she should say anything else. Technically speaking, this was the end.
Meanwhile, Akinym wasn't sure what to say. He waited a bit in order to see if Sinon would add anything, and when she didn't, he raised an eyebrow.
Akinym [hesitantly]: That… That's it?
Sinon put on a sad, quite forced smile while hanging her head, and she chuckled in an almost sarcastic manner.
Sinon: What else is there to say? Well, I still remember that I was disoriented for a moment, but also kinda relieved because it was over. That's how I felt about killing someone! Horrible, right?! [very dejectedly] I… I murdered someone, there's nothing…
Before Sinon could finish that sentence, something hit her square in the head. She looked up, and she saw that Akinym had stood up. He leant slightly over the table, and judging from his stance, he had just thrown something.
Looking around herself, Sinon noticed a small flowerpot lying next to her armchair. She realised that Akinym had taken the pot from the table to throw it at her. Frankly, that action took her aback to the extent that she needed a few seconds to utter any kind of response.
Sinon: W-what… What was that about?!
Akinym straightened himself. He looked a bit angry.
Akinym [sternly]: Well, recently, I've hypothesised that you can make someone stop talking nonsense if you throw stuff at their head.
Sinon [taken aback, slightly upset]: Why would you do that?! Seriously, that was uncalled for in every sense!
Akinym: I don't know, I think it worked great! You've murdered someone?! [exasperatedly, slightly taken aback] I honestly didn't know what exactly might've happened that you'd feel so distraught about it, but this…! [sternly] Listen! What you did was self-defense! SELF-DEFENSE, dammit! You didn't even do anything wrong! You are no murderer!
Sinon stared almost blankly at Akinym for a moment.
Over the course of several years, countless people had called her a murderer. Some had whispered it behind her back, others had said it more or less blatantly to her face. Some people might've not thought that she was one, her family certainly didn't.
However, not even once had anyone slipped the word "no" into that sentence. As a result, hearing it now felt oddly… surreal. That strange feeling was even intensified by the fact that Akinym's expression made it clear that he had been dead serious.
Sinon looked down, finally averting her eyes.
Sinon: No murderer, you say… This is… what you think?
Something about Sinon's tone bothered Akinym. She had said that in an almost completely flat voice. However, there had also been an undertone of doubt.
Akinym sat down again to think about it for a moment. Once he gave it some thought, he quickly drew the parallels between this conversation and the different points of view he and Asuna had had about the incident with the GeoCrawler.
Akinym [calmly]: Well, I guess the actual question is, "What do you think?"
This somehow snapped Sinon out of her trance-like state, although she stared at Akinym in surprise for another few seconds again before saying something.
Sinon: What I think?
Akinym: Yeah. This is about a problem you have, isn't it? I can tell you what I think about it all I want, but that's not the point. The actual question is what you feel about this incident. I mean, what makes you think that you're murderer?
Sinon thought about it for a moment. Frankly, she had never asked herself that question…
Sinon: I've killed someone. Call it murder, call it self-defense – there's no way around it, so what does it even matter? That man was still a person, a human being, and he died only because of what I did. [slightly shakily] Whenever I even think about that day, his face appears in front of me as if it's accusing me of taking his life. [slightly dejectedly] Denying it won't get me anywhere. It never did…
Akinym [contemplatively]: I see.
Akinym thought about what he should do next. This took him a bit, so it was Sinon's turn to wait now.
Akinym: Alright, listen… Frankly, I don't know what I can do to help you. I won't make any promises, but I'll try to think of something.
Sinon [slightly doubtfully]: To… think of something?
Akinym: All important things have to be thought through carefully! I think we've already noticed that I don't happen to have the perfect solution for your problem, and as we've seen right now, just saying whatever comes to my mind certainly doesn't help. I'll need time to think of something, so my suggestion is that whenever we have time – let's say at the end of a day of questing – we'll sit down, talk about that incident, and I'll try to use what I'll learn from that to find a way to help you. If that's what you want.
Sinon thought about the suggestion for a moment. Frankly, she had wanted Akinym to help her, so the answer should be obvious, shouldn't it? After all, she had even gone as far as to tell him the complete story already…
There were a few things that she was unsure about, though.
Sinon [hesitantly]: And about the promise… that nobody else will hear about anything…
Akinym: I'll treat everything you tell me about this the same way as anything you've already said. It's all completely confidential.
Sinon: Okay… [slightly insecurely] In that case, there's only one thing I'd like to ask. Why? I mean, why are you willing to do this? It's actually not necessary, is it?
Akinym thought about the best possible way to phrase his reply for a second.
Akinym: "If you see a problem, do something about it!" That's… pretty much been my credo for a long time. At times when I didn't seem to have any directive, or anything to drive me forward, this credo gave me something to do, and I won't stop now. While I can't say that I fully understand your situation, I understand that it's serious, and therefore, I'll at least try to do something about it.
Sinon: So, basically, it comes down to, "Why not helping if you can help?" [dryly] Well, I guess it's less clichéd than "never abandoning a person in need". [slightly taken aback] Or worse, a girl in need. [slightly exasperatedly] It kinda reminds me of a certain someone who can't stop running into all kinds of people – especially girls for some reason – and apparently can't help but to help them with all of their problems.
Akinym [slightly exasperatedly]: You think Kirito-san would say something like that? I'm not an expert myself, but I'd say I can come up with a better guess than that.
Akinym put his head back in a theatrical fashion, almost as if he had a stiff neck and wanted to relax it before a big fight or something. As he cleared his throat, Sinon had a strange hunch as to where this was going.
Akinym [determinedly, imitates Kirito]: What are you talking about?! You're my comrade, and I'd never leave a comrade behind! It doesn't matter what we have to overcome, we'll work towards a happy future for all of us! Together!
Sinon looked at Akinym in bewilderment during his "act". Was that even something Kirito would say? Well, the "never leaving a comrade behind" part seemed accurate to her, although Sinon also had the feeling that Akinym had increased the cringiness on purpose. To be fair, she could see Kirito say something like that in the heat of the moment if he thought he had to say it, although he'd probably die of shame if he was reminded of it afterwards…
In the end, Sinon didn't mind Akinym's "interpretation" of Kirito. She was usually on board with making fun of Kirito – within reason, of course. Furthermore, she certainly didn't mind lightening up the mood after the rather depressing conversation they had just had.
In conclusion, Sinon decided to join in and play the "appropriate" counterpart.
Sinon [timidly, slightly doubtfully]: But Kirito, what can we even do? I don't want to burden you with this if you don't even know what to do. You'd probably just give up on me…
Akinym caught on to Sinon's intention and continued putting on the "Kirito act".
Akinym: I'm not gonna do that! Never! I swear it on my sword!
Sinon rolled her eyes. "I swear it on my sword"? Who would say that?!
Regardless, she kept playing her role, too.
Sinon [timidly]: Kirito…
Akinym: You can trust me with that! I'll find a way so that you can be happy! [cheerfully] But for now, I'll go home to Asuna, the one true love of my life! She's gonna make steak for dinner!
Sinon had to stifle her laughter, which, in all honesty, wasn't easy. Well, it worked to some degree.
Akinym [upset, imitates Klein]: Oi, Kirito! Stop hogging all the chicks to yourself and leave some for your pals! Klein, the envoy of love and justice, is here for all women in need out there!
And with that, Sinon's efforts to contain herself were proven to be futile. She burst out in laughter. Well, by her standards, that is. It was still relatively restrained, but Akinym was sure that he had never seen Sinon laugh like that.
Sinon [in between laughter]: Stop! That… That's… too accurate!
It took a moment until Sinon calmed down again. Akinym didn't clock, but he roughly estimated that it took between ten and twenty seconds. Frankly, he didn't mind since she seemed to be in better spirits now.
A moment of silence followed. Akinym was still waiting for an actual answer, but he figured that he had to spell it out since Sinon apparently didn't catch on to it.
Akinym: So, what do you say? Do you want to go with that idea or not?
Sinon [slightly surprised]: That idea? Oh, right… [slightly contemplatively] I… want to solve that problem. Honestly, I don't know what could be done, or what to expect from you… I don't even know what I can expect, [slightly determinedly] but I want to try it!
Akinym [slightly reassuringly]: Alright, in that case, it's settled.
Since they had said everything that had to be said that evening, Akinym showed Sinon to the door. They bid each other goodbye, and Akinym was about to close the door. Sinon had already started walking to her own room, but noticing that there was something else she should probably say, she turned around one more time.
Sinon [slightly hesitantly]: Akinym… -san?
Akinym paused and looked at her. He was a bit surprised that she put on a small smile.
Sinon: Thank you.
Akinym replied with a simple, acknowledging nod while returning the smile, even though it was even fainter than Sinon's.
So, I'd say this chapter ended on a much more hopeful note than the last one.
Remember how Akinym said in an early chapter that he was indebted to Asuna? I think it was chapter 9. Anyway, now you know what's actually behind that.
So, what's going to happen next? Well, as the title suggests, there will be more than one "therapy session". In the respective chapters, Akinym and Sinon will address various aspects of Sinon's trauma (and a few things that concern Akinym, by the way).
Please note that the "official" therapy sessions aren't the only ones. They are basically excerpts. Furthermore, this is not really a conventional multi-chapter section of the story like some previous ones. Hence I number them using Arabic numerals instead of Roman ones. ;)
There will be other, relatively minor chapters in between the "Therapy Session" chapters. There will also be a few more side stories. In fact, I'll write a little side story about a silly idea I had about one of HF's events next.
Little Preview: Akinym and Sinon sit down to talk about what their actions in the past mean to them.