Chapter 30

That weekend the nightmares returned.

Sometimes there was a clown chasing him and his dad never came for him. Sometimes the press were hounding him, and his dad and mom just walked off and left him. He knew they were just his fear, it wasn't real. He knew without a doubt now that his dad loved him, his parents loved him, and they would never abandon him. That wasn't what was bothering him.

No it was being a secret. Knowing that he had to keep going like this for the next two years, it hurt and terrified him. It was like it was hitting him all at once. That he couldn't go out in public with his dad, the world still saw him as an orphan, he couldn't move in with his dad, and had to keep travelling between his dad's house and his aunt's. Before it had been cool to be able to spend time at both houses, and everyone. But now...it felt like he was being torn in two. Between his life with May, and his life with his dad. He didn't quite fit in in either world and the longer he stayed a secret the more he feared he never would.

Which is why he kept the truth from everyone. Lied about how he was feeling. Because his dad had confessed how hard it was for him to keep Peter a secret, he wanted to tell the world as much as Peter did, but he couldn't. So what good would it be telling his dad? It's not like he could do anything about it. It would just make things harder for everyone. And his dad seemed so happy when Peter said he was ok with it. Peter just wanted to show his dad some support. Be mature about it and not a little baby crying because he couldn't get his way. He wasn't a baby, he just had to grow up and accept it.

They bought it thankfully. Relieved to see him happy again. And things went back to normal. Almost.

By Monday the press had moved onto other stories thankfully. Clearly deeming Peter was not important enough to write about. That was kind of bittersweet. So of course over the next week the nightmares continued. Every night.

The days were great, he was happy to spend time with parents like normal. But then at night. Peter dreaded going to sleep now.

Peter started to put off going to sleep. He would patrol longer, study later, play on his phone, anything to avoid sleeping. It was easier at May's house, no FRIDAY to spy on him, no dad checking on him. But the nightmares were worse at May's house.

Patrolling actually became more difficult. He had trouble focusing and almost hit a few buildings a couple of times. And his spider senses were going wonky, he almost got stabbed when he missed a guy lunge at him. Karen was getting worried, it took a lot of convincing to get her not to contact his dad.

He was also having loads more mini Sensory Overloads. Thankfully, they were small enough that his dad wasn't notified and he was able to manage them. Of course it meant Ned was beginning to catch on something was off too. Saying he looked tired and like crap. Peter shrugged it off, which just worried Ned more. It took a lot more to convince Ned he was fine. Ned always knew when Peter was hiding something. But Peter just couldn't talk to Ned about this. He wouldn't understand.

Then there was Flash. It was like he was a shark sensing blood. He seemed to pick up his tactics, making comments about Peter being a fraud and gold digger every chance he got, and tripping him and throwing stuff at him in almost every class now. Of course that did nothing to help his waning concentration in class. All he could think about was his dad, and how much it hurt to be a secret. What did biology or English matter right now when Peter had more important things going on in his life?

Of course that meant he was falling behind, hence the actual necessity for more studying. Yet when he did sit there with his books open, he barely got past the first page. Lost in his thoughts.

The first time, he fell asleep in class. It was during physics, whilst the teacher was distracted doing a demonstration. Ned kicked him to wake him up, and no one noticed. But that was just the beginning.

Soon it started happening more and more. In history class he slept the whole lesson whilst the teacher played a movie. And only woke up just before the lesson finished after jolting awake from a bad nightmare. Sitting up and letting bits of paper and pencil fall to the ground from where Flash had thrown them at him.

He was trying to make a quick escape when his history teacher called him back; "Peter. Wait. I would like to speak to your for a moment."

Huffing, Peter walked back over to Mr Grosman; "Yes sir?"

The teacher eyed him over the desk for a moment; "Peter is everything ok?"

"Sure why?"

"Well I'm becoming concerned, and so are your other teachers. You've been falling asleep in not only my class but other classes all week. And when you're not asleep, you seem distracted, and I dare say ill. Are you ill?"

"I'm fine sir I promise. It's just you know up late studying." He chuckled nervously.

"Really?" Mr Grossman shook his head before pulling out a piece of paper and sliding it across the desk; "Then would you care to explain this?"

Peter's eyes widened as he looked at his pop quiz exam from the other day. With a large F on the front.

"What?" Peter picked it up utterly shocked. His heart racing; "No this can't be right..."

"That's what I thought. I'd really like an explanation here Peter. You've never got anything less than a B so I find this rather surprising. I know it's only a pop quiz, and doesn't count towards your grade. But it has made me concerned. What's going on? Hm? At parent teacher day everything seemed fine, you were doing so well and now...is everything going on ok at home? Is there anything you want to talk about? I just want to help Peter. I know this isn't really you." He pointed at the F.

Peter gulped feeling tears forming. How could he let this happen? He knew he had slipped a little at school but not this much. Boy he must have really zoned out that day. May was going to be pissed. Oh god May. And dad! They would be furious. They were so proud of him.

"It's nothing." Peter lied.

Mr Grossman studied him for a moment and looked down sighing; "Very well Peter. If you don't want to discuss it with me I understand. But just know I'm here if there is anything you wish to talk about. For now just take this home, show it to your aunt and have her sign it for me. I'll have you resit it next week and we'll see if you improve. In the meantime, try to get some rest Peter. It's not all about studying you know. Have some fun and try to get some sleep. Ok?"

"Ok." Peter mumbled numbly, shakily shoving the paper in the very bottom of his bag under his suit and rushed out; "Thanks sir."

"Peter!" Ned rushed up to him frowning; "There you are! Woah dude are you ok?"

"Fine." Peter snapped marching down the hallway. Thankfully Ned didn't ask more, but Peter could feel the stares in the back of his head.

He of course didn't tell May or his dad. How could he? He would be admitting he was a failure. They would be so disappointed and ashamed.

That night, the nightmares actually got worse. If that was even possible.

Peter fell asleep at his desk around 2 am.

Peter was running through the maze being chased by the clown with a chainsaw again. This Peter was used to now, but it still petrified him every time.

He still called for his dad to save him, even though he knew he would never come.

Another dead end.

The clown laughed.

"I'm coming for you Peter! No one is going to save you. Your dad isn't coming. He doesn't love you. He never did. No one cares about you." The clown jeered as he reached Peter leering over him laughing manically.

"That's a lie!" Peter snapped.

"Then see for yourself." Then the clown shoved him.

Peter was falling. Falling.

Peter snapped his eyes open finding himself laying on some wet grass, rain pelting his face. Frowning he sat up fearfully, looking around panicked. His terror rising when he saw he was laying in a cemetery.

A crack of thunder boomed above causing Peter to frantically stumble to get up, immediately falling back to his knees right in front of a headstone. A flash light lightning illuminated it. Revealing the headstone. Mary Parker.

Gasping. Peter fell on his butt utterly terrified. Another crack of thunder and lightning made Peter look to his left seeing another headstone. Richard Parker.

"No no no..." Peter pushed himself up and turned to run, almost charging right into another headstone. Ben Parker.

They were surrounding him.

He spun 360 before bolting. He needed to get away. Anywhere but here.

He tripped on a branch and face planted into the dirt. Spluttering he lifted his head and froze, his whole body wracked with tremor.

A headstone loomed over him reading the words. May Parker.

He snapped his head to the left at the other headstones.

Happy Hogan.

Pepper Stark.

Tony Stark.

"No stop it!" Peter screamed covering his head; "DAD! DAD!"

"Dad isn't coming Peter."

Rolling onto his back, Peter shuddered. The clown was back looming over him. He crawled backwards until he hit his dad's headstone.

"Please don't..."

"So pathetic! Can't even protect yourself. And you call yourself Spider Man. Have to have others do it for you. You couldn't even save them!"

"No!"

"They died because of you Peter! Everyone around you ends up dead!"

"That's not true." Tears were streaming now.

"That's why your dad won't tell the world about you. He's ashamed of you. He's scared you'll get him killed him too."

"Stop it! Stop it!"

"They'll all be better off without you in their life!" The clown laughed darkly before lunging at Peter. He wasn't sure where he found the strength but Peter rolled away and ran. Never looking back.

He found himself at May's house. So overcome with relief he shoved open the door and raced inside.

"May! May! Please! Where are you?"

"There you are my sweet baby."

Gasping in relief at May's voice, Peter burst into the living room and froze. May was picking up a baby. She hadn't been speaking to him. But to an actual baby.

Happy stood up and put his arm around them both.

"Oh how's my little boy doing." Happy cooed.

"No what? May what's going on?" Peter demanded, but they ignored him.

The baby laughed and May and Happy laughed.

"Oh he's so perfect honey. Our son. I don't think I could love anyone more." May gushed cradling the baby to her chest.

"May..." Peter felt tears streaming, his heart shattering with betrayal and hurt.

"Yes it's nice to have a real son now, and not someone's second hand broken son." Happy said.

May murmured in agreement; "Now Peter's grown up and gone I'm so happy I can get my own life back. I had to put everything on hold for him. I've never been happier now he's gone."

"NO!" Peter screamed racing from the house. He didn't stop running until he ended up at his dad's house. He tried to get in but the door wouldn't open.

"FRIDAY? It's Peter open the door! I need to see dad!"

"I'm sorry I do not know who you are. Please identify yourself."

"It's me. Peter! Peter Parker!"

"I do not have any record of a Peter Parker. Please leave immediately or I will call the police."

"What? FRIDAY! It's me!"

"Calling police and alerting boss of intruder."

"No wait ok I'll go." Peter backed away and looked around wildly. He raced around to the back of the house, stopping at the window looking into the living room. He smiled relieved. There was Pepper and Tony huddled together on the sofa.

Banging on the glass Peter called to him, but they didn't respond.

"DAD!"

A cry suddenly went off inside the house.

"Oh I think the baby's up." Pepper said smiling at Tony.

"Baby?" Peter repeated. No no no not again.

Pepper returned a moment later with a little baby wrapped in a pink blanket. Tony got up to take her, and Peter watched the way he looked down at her. It was the way his dad looked at him.

"She's so beautiful." Tony gushed; "My little princess." Looking at Pepper he kissed her; "My wonderful family. Perfect just the way it is."

"Dad! It's me!" Peter yelled banging on the glass.

A sudden siren had Peter turning around.

"Hey kid! Stop you're under arrest!" A couple of officers charged at him and he was suddenly grabbed and some cuffs slapped on him.

"No wait please I live here! My dad is Tony Stark!"

"Sure thing kid." The officer laughed rolling his eyes.

"No he is! Ask him!"

"What's going on here!" Tony's voice boomed out and Peter turned relieved. Pepper was holding the baby, as Tony stepped in front of them protectively.

"Just a kid sir. We've got it under control. Sorry for the interruption."

"Dad! Tell them it's me!" Peter begged.

"And you are?"

Peter's heart officially shattered into a million pieces seeing the empty and uncaring look Tony sent him.

"It's me! Peter! Your son!"

Tony raised an eyebrow looking at Pepper before back at Peter, taking a step back; "I think you're mistaken kid. I don't have a son. And I have never seen you before in my life. Carry on officers."

"No! Wait!" Peter was dragged away as Tony led Pepper and their daughter back into the house; "DAD!"

He tried to wriggle free but surprisingly his super strength wasn't working. He was shoved into a police car, and looked around panicked.

"You have to listen to me! Please."

"No one cares Peter."

Peter turned and screamed backing away against the car door. The clown was sitting beside him. Chainsaw in his lap. He turned to Peter and grinned.

"No one cares about you. They never did. As soon as you grow up and go to college they move in with their lives. Have real children and forget all about you. That's the real reason they want to keep you a secret. So they don't get stuck with you!"

"That's a lie!" Peter said feebly, his whole body trembling, full tears falling down his face.

This couldn't be happening. His dad and May wouldn't do this to him.

"It's time to wake up and face the truth Peter." The clown said before laughing as he raised the chainsaw at him; "WAKE UP!" And he lunged at him.

"Wake up Peter!" FRIDAY'S voice echoed out just as Peter snapped his eyes open, gasping as he bolted upright and was still reeling from the dream he spun around and ended up falling out of his chair and onto the floor.

Groaning, he took a moment to gather himself.

"Peter? Are you alright? Contacting Mr Stark."

"No.." Tony mumbled; "Please don't. I'm ok." Peter sat up and looked around shakily, relieved to see his bedroom at May's. It had all been a dream. It wasn't real. He was ok. It wasn't real.

"You are not ok Peter. Your vitals rose to extreme levels. You are clearly shaken and suffering from sleep deprivation and malnutrition. I believe Dr Cho should examine you."

"No I'm fine really FRIDAY. See." Peter sat up and tried to get control of his vitals. But he couldn't help but dart his eyes around looking for the clown to suddenly pop out. He wished he had his dad to hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok...but his dad wasn't here. Peter was alone.

"I do not believe you know the true meaning of that word. The definition of fine is being in good health and feeling well. You do not fall into that category. In fact I am concerned about you Peter. You are not fine."

Peter gulped at that, but closed his eyes to try and relax his breathing. After a moment, Peter said a bit more shakily; "You're right FRIDAY. I'm not fine. But just please don't tell dad. I don't want him to know."

"Why not?" FRIDAY asked softly; "He can help. He would want to know."

"This is something I have to deal with alone. Just please I'm begging you FRIDAY. Don't say anything."

He looked at his wristband when she didn't reply, before he got a reply.

"Boss has programmed me to obey your wishes, so I will do as you ask. But I must advise against this course of action."

"I just need some time FRIDAY." Peter begged wiping shaking hands over his face.

FRIDAY remained silent after that, so he assumed she was keeping his secret.

He leant forward and looked around his room, swallowing back the tears. The nightmare had been the worst he'd had yet. Because it hit a little too close to home. This was his fear. If he remained a secret what was to happen when his parents had their own child? The world would see that baby as their first kid not him. And he would get pushed out. Maybe not intentionally, but it would happen. And May and Happy, well he wasn't even really May's kid so who would blame them for rather having their own kid. This was just so messed up. He wanted...needed to talk to someone but he had no one to talk to. There was no way he was telling his parents or May or Happy. They would freak out.

He paused for a moment listening with his senses, relieved when he detected the steady heartbeats of May and Happy asleep. Atleast they didn't hear him fall from his chair.

Filled with a sudden urge to see May. Peter crept downstairs and cautiously opened their bedroom door. He peeked it and stopped. May had her head and a hand on Happy's chest, and his arm was around her. She seemed so happy. Maybe she would be better off without him. Less stress.

Closing the door, Peter found himself with the urge to go on patrol. Rushing back to his room, he slipped on his suit, and climbed out the attic window. Slipping on her mask he perched on the roof and blew out a breath.

"Hello Peter." Karen said sweetly; "It is the middle of the night. You are not allowed to go on patrol at this time."

"I know Karen. I just...I needed some air."

"Are you alright Peter?" Karen said softer, almost like a whisper; "Your vitals are concerning. And...you are crying."

Peter reached up to wipe his face but came to hit his mask; "Oh. Yeah I'm..." Peter stopped himself from saying fine, and sighed; "No I'm not Karen."

"What is wrong?"

"I dunno...everything...this whole situation sucks with my dad. I have to stay a secret because my dad wants to protect me from the press. I get it, I'm grateful he wants to protect me. But I hate being a secret."

"Have you told your dad you feel this way?"

"No I can't, no way." Peter rambled panicked.

"Why not? You are upset because you do not want to be a secret anymore, so tell him, he can make it so you are no longer a secret, and you will not longer be upset."

"I wish it was that easy."

"Why cant it be?"

"Because it's actually complicated Karen. If the press knew who I was they would follow me everywhere. I don't know if I want that, I won't be able to be Spider Man anymore."

"That would be a shame."

"Yeah. And it's not just that. My dad said he doesn't care about his image but I'm not exactly Stark material. How am I supposed to live up to his legacy? Hell he was graduating MIT at my age!"

"He doesn't expect you to follow in his footsteps Peter." Karen pointed out; "You are your own person. You can follow whatever path you want, and I believe your father would be proud of you with whatever you did."

Peter smiled because maybe that was true.

"I just don't know what to do Karen. Dad wants me to stay a secret for two years. I get why but I don't want to be. How can I tell him though? He already said he doesn't want the press to know. And then they released a statement saying I was just an intern. I know they were getting the press to back off me, and I know my dad does love me. But I just can't help but feel I'm a burden to everyone. The stress of all this having to be a secret, and being in the way of May and Happy's happiness..."

"Peter..."

"Then there's the issue of what would happen if I was an official Stark. My dad wants me to live with him, and I do too. Of course I do. It's my dad and I missed so much time with him. I don't want to miss anymore. Hell in a couple of years I'll be going off to college, and barely see him. So yeah I want to spend as much time with him as I can before it's too late. But how could I leave May? She raised me, and I'm not sure I could leave her. On the one hand, she would be free to live her life with Happy, and I could be with my dad, but I don't know if I could not live with her anymore. Then there's Flash at school, and the stress of school itself. And Spider Man, trying to save everyone, and being everywhere at once. It just all feels too much. Like lately, I can't do anything right. My feelings and thoughts are all over the place."

"It sounds like you are dealing with a lot Peter. Too much to deal with alone. You should speak you parents, or May. They could help you."

"How do you make a decision Karen?"

"I calculate all the possible odds and pick the best solution."

"But what if there is no good solution?"

"You pick the least bad one."

Looking down at his hands, as he let his legs dangle over the edge of the house he sighed a thought nagging at the back of mind for a while that he found himself saying aloud; "Maybe it would be better for everyone if I just...ran away."

"Peter! Why would you think that?"

"I dunno." He shrugged looking up at the stars; "I'm causing so much stress for my parents, and May and Happy. I'm a burden. Maybe if I wasn't in their lives, they would be better off. I don't really fit into their lives anyway. It might be better for all of us."

"I'm calling Mr Stark."

"NO. Don't please Karen!" Peter froze instantly panicking.

"I am to contact Mr Stark if there is a threat to emotional, metal or physical wellbeing. I believe this qualifies. You are going to run away and I cannot allow that."

"I'm not saying I'm going to run away. I'm just...thinking aloud." Peter huffed. He didn't think he could actually go through with it. He loved them too much, and that would just be the cowards way out. He wasn't sure he could live without them.

"So you are not going to run away?" Karen said slowly and suspiciously.

"No." Peter shook his head feeling ashamed for even thinking of doing it now. They were be so disappointed in him and furious if he did. He dad would surely hunt him down and May, and lecture him for being so reckless.

"Really?"

There must have been something in his vitals that made Karen think he was lying.

"I'm not going to run away Karen. I just...feel like it would be easier you know." He was sure once his parents found out how he was doing at school they might wish he ran away too. Because he was nothing but trouble.

"I do not believe that is true Peter. But I am glad you are not going to run away. I think you should get some sleep now. You are showing signs of sleep deprivation. That is probably why you are not thinking clearly."

"I can't go to sleep Karen. The nightmares...they won't go away." The tears were falling heavily now; "I want to sleep but I just can't..."

"I'm sorry to hear that Peter. I can offer some sleep remedies if you like..."

Peter just pulled the mask off. Karen didn't understand. There was nothing she or anyone could do to get rid of the emptiness he felt inside.

He half considered going out for patrol. But knowing dad's crazy protocols. If he stepped one food away from the house in his suit, Karen and FRIDAY would alert dad who would come and get him.

Sighing, Peter climbed back into his room, and sat on the ceiling for a while. Just lost in his thoughts and waiting for morning to come.