Chapter 31: Fear

She trembled as she read the name signed on the letter. The past few weeks were a torment to her. Wherever she went, she could not forget him. She could not come to terms with the life which was lost to her. She tried to engage herself in social gatherings. All the men she met were not equal to his status, wealth, or looks. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if he had married someone else. She thought. Losing to a country nobody destroyed her. The days dragged along, and she did not find any amusement in town. But now, the letter in her hand terrorised her.

Miss Bingley,

There is nothing that gives us more pleasure than renewing an old acquaintance. I believe we need to meet and discuss a lot about the past and future. Meet me at Hyde Park near the marble fountain close to the lake at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning. If you do not decide to come, I shall come to your house in search of you.

Your humble servant,

Dorothy

Miss Bingley sank into the chair, engulfed in fear. This cannot happen. How did she get the courage to blackmail me?

Her fingers trembled as she read the letter again. She began to understand that it was not easy to live such a life without becoming an object of scrutiny in society. She knew that there was no hope in her marriage. The letter set off a wave of emotions. Jane had given her some letters when she came to Pemberley. But Elizabeth could not find time to read them. She also missed her walks and finally found time to venture out. As she read the letter from her mother, her heart filled with sorrow. Her mother had openly inquired about her marital relations with her husband. Mrs Bennet, unaware of the state of her marriage, had asked her when she would give Pemberley an heir. Elizabeth understood that she could never answer that question. She also knew that the question regarding a baby would be directed only towards her. But more than the awkwardness of the situation, she was pained by the reality.

I can never have a child. I can never have a child with him. We will never be a family. She knew that she had feelings for her husband.

Had mamma asked me this a month ago, I would not be affected thus. My feelings are not the same as before. Have I fallen in love with him? However ridiculous it may sound I have feelings for the man who questions my character. Oh! God! How can this happen?

She walked till she reached the end of the formal gardens. She saw a stream nearby and followed it. She did not notice the dark skies hovering over her. She followed the stream into the woods, lost in thought.

She read another letter from Charlotte as she walked. By the time she finished the letter, she realised that she was lost. She tried to retrace her path but could not find the way back. She saw the sky turn dark and heard a distant rumble of thunder. Oh! God! How do I find my way back? She felt scared. She remembered how Darcy had always stressed taking footmen along when she ventured to new trails. At that time, she concluded that he wanted to control her freedom. The present situation made her understand the seriousness of his words.

Darcy looked outside the windows of his study. This is going to be a bad storm.

He was well acquainted with the weather of Derbyshire. Since the arrival of the Bingleys, Darcy had noticed the brightness on his wife's face when she was with her sister. As a husband, I must be responsible for her happiness. I have not shown her anything but my distrust and spite. She wants me to stay away from her, understandably so. He met Jane and Mr Bingley in the hallway.

"Darcy, the weather looks bad. Do you think we would have problems with our travel tomorrow?"

"I do not think so. But you can always delay your departure."

Jane looked around for her sister. "Mr Darcy, isn't Lizzy back from her walk yet?"

"I did not see her leave. She will not go out in weather like this? When did she leave?"

"She left an hour ago. She said that she would be back soon." Jane said, looking worried.

They all went outside to look for her. Darcy ran into the gardens; he knew her favorite spots. He had spotted her often in the rose garden. But he could not find her there. The skies were growing darker by the minute. Darcy was extremely worried. He knew about his wife's habit of venturing outdoors without footmen. He asked his men to search for her. One of the gardeners informed him that he saw her at the east end of the gardens. Darcy ran to that side. He could not find her. He saw the stream and had the intuition that she may have walked along with it. He took his horse and sped away in that direction after sending out a search party in other directions. He searched for her frantically. In moments of such uncertainty, he realized how much she meant to him. I need to find her before it starts raining. She just recovered from fever; I cannot allow her to fall sick again. He rode into the woods following the stream. The trees were getting dense as he rode into the woods. Elizabeth, where are you?

She stood near a tree, not knowing what to do. She was worried that she was walking away from the house and had stopped some time ago. She knew that the storm was fast approaching. Maybe I can wait it out. Just then, she heard the sound of a rider.

Darcy felt humongous relief when he spotted her by the tree. He reached her within seconds and got down.

"Elizabeth, are you all right? I was so worried. We need to leave soon. The storm is fast approaching."

"Thank you for coming. I lost my way. I can follow you if you lead the way."

"What? Follow me?" Darcy asked, bewildered.

"Yes, I can walk fast."

"You cannot walk fast enough to get out of here. You need to ride along with me." He said, watching her face turn white.

"I cannot. I cannot ride along with you."

Of course, you do not want to.

"I understand that it may be uncomfortable for you. I assure you, I can take you back home in ten minutes. As much as it may be uncomfortable for you, it is the only safest way."

"It is not merely that. I am… I can't… I mean."

Darcy looked at her, puzzled. After a long pause, she continued.

"I am afraid of horses. I haven't been on one in a long time. I can find shelter somewhere here. I cannot ride along with you." She said, looking at the forest floor.

"You cannot find shelter anywhere here. You will be soaked. The storms in Derbyshire are very rough. You just recovered last week. I cannot allow it." As he said this, they heard a rumble of thunder which made Elizabeth jump.

"Mr Darcy, please understand. It is something I cannot do. You cannot force me."

Of course, I can.

Without a second thought, he lifted her and placed her on his horse. He sat behind her. Before she could say a word in protest, they were speeding away out of the woods. Elizabeth had no choice but to cling on to his coat. Darcy had his hand wrapped around her waist and he felt her shiver. His only thought was to get her back home safely. In a few minutes, he realized that she had moved closer to him than before. The feeling of her face on his chest made his heart beat faster.

"A few more minutes, we will be there. I won't let you fall. You are safe with me."

She merely nodded her head. Elizabeth was trembling with fear. She was haunted by the incident of the past. By the time they reached the grounds of Pemberley, it had started to pour. Darcy rode to the stables which were closer than the house. The stable was deserted. Darcy was relieved that he had brought her back safely.

"Elizabeth, we are here." He said when they were inside. He suddenly realized that she was crying.

"Good God! Elizabeth, what happened? Are you alright?" She was trembling against his chest.

"Can you…Can you….help me get off your horse?" She asked among muffled sobs.

He quickly helped her down, and she sank into a pile of hay sobbing. Darcy was devasted to see her distress. He realized that her fear for horses was much more than he had imagined.

"Elizabeth, I am so sorry. I just wanted you to be safe. I had no other choice. I didn't realize that I have caused you so much distress." He said as he kneeled beside her. He wanted to pull her into his arms, but he knew he had no right to do such a thing.

He sat close to her and put his arm around her shoulder. Elizabeth was grateful for his touch. She felt a sense of belonging when she was close to him. His touch gave her a sense of comfort and security. She calmed herself and looked outside. It was pouring. She realized that her husband was right. I would have been soaked.

"Aren't you going to reprimand me for venturing into the woods alone?" She asked with a small smile.

"Of course, I will give you a good lecture once we get to the house. Your sister was worried about you. I sent a search party out, but I knew you would follow the stream as the gardener told me that he spotted you there."

"I did not know that the weather could turn so drastically."

"Derbyshire storms are always this way. The snowstorms are worse."

Both were silent for a few minutes, relishing in the closeness they never experienced before.

"May I ask about your fear of horses? Did you have an accident while riding? You need not share it if you are uncomfortable." He asked hesitantly.

Elizabeth could feel his genuine concern. She took a deep breath and looked at his horse.

"I used to love riding. When I was about 14 years old, I fell off a horse and injured myself. Do you remember Sir Lucas?"

"Yes, I do."

"His son John Lucas challenged me to ride one of the horses in his stable and win a race against him. I was not trained to ride that horse. But I couldn't resist the challenge. I knew my father wouldn't allow me. So, I went without his knowledge. Initially, I was comfortable with the horse, and we started racing. We planned to reach the cornfields at the end of the race. John sped away from me on his horse, and I tried to catch up to him. But my horse took another direction and I lost control. It threw me off into the fields and ran away. I sprained my foot and could not move. It started to rain, and by the time they found me, I had passed out. I still remember lying in the fields, cold and crying out for help. Ever since then, I cannot look at any horse the way I did before. The only thing I remember is the fear." She said, looking vulnerable.

Darcy felt guilty for forcing her to do something she feared. He was happy that she had opened up to him. He patted her shoulder gently.

"It is all right. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. Have you not tried riding again?"

"My father wanted me to, but I just could not."

Elizabeth suddenly realized how close they were. She blushed deeply. Darcy kept staring at her tear-stained face. He reluctantly withdrew his arm and stood, trying to look unaffected. The rain was still pouring. They were silent.

Elizabeth could not look at him, fearing that her face would betray her innermost thoughts. However horrifying it may have been, the horse ride gave her an experience of his affection. She felt most safe with him. She had opened up to him and felt relieved to share something about her past. Now more than her fear for horses, she feared that she would never be able to forget how it felt to be so close to him.

Once the rain stopped a little, they walked to the house. They were met by an anxious Jane and Georgiana.

"Lizzy, thank God you are safe? Where did you go?" Jane asked.

"I lost my way." Elizabeth said apologetically.

"We were so worried. I beg of you to be more careful. What made you venture out in this weather?"

Darcy could sense the anger in Jane's voice. He looked at his wife, and she had a childish look of disappointment on her face.

I guess this is not the first time she has been reprimanded for her outdoor adventures. Darcy thought and smiled.

The storm passed in a few hours, and the Bingley's left for London the next day. Darcy kept reliving the moments of his horse ride. He realised that there was a lot he needed to understand about her.

The next morning during breakfast, he surprised his wife with his suggestion.

"I cannot understand how you could make such a suggestion after fully witnessing my state of distress yesterday."

"I am being reasonable. You did enjoy riding before that incident, and I don't think that one incident should stop you from trying to pursue it again." He said calmly.

"Well, I thank you. But I am not inclined to ride a horse ever."

"Mr Rogers is very experienced with horses. He trained Georgiana. I know for sure that he may help you."

"I do not need help." Elizabeth said, with irritation.

"You need not live with this fear for the rest of your life. It doesn't hurt to try."

"Of course, you would think so. Because you do not know how it feels. I cannot do it. You cannot force me." She said with resolve.

Darcy looked at her with a piercing gaze.

"Maybe the reason you are adamant is that you want me to come looking for you when you wander off again. I didn't realize you enjoyed my company on the horse yesterday." He said as he dabbed his mouth, trying to suppress his smile.

Elizabeth looked at him, shocked at his words. Insufferable man!

"I did not enjoy the ride. You took me forcefully." She said with irritation.

"Well, Mr Rogers is waiting for you at the stables. The choice is yours. You can try, or I will be happy to rescue on my horse whenever needed."

Elizabeth stared at him, unable to come to terms with his mockery.

"I thought you always liked a challenge, Mrs Darcy. It is a pity that you are intimidated by mine." He said, hoping that he kindled her anger in the right direction.

Elizabeth was angry at him for pushing her so. She pondered on what to do about the matter. Her courage always rose at any attempt to intimidate her. Maybe it is time to conquer my fear.