Lisa
I watched her heart break before she turned and ran out of the door. I clenched my jaw tight so I didn't beg her to come back. I couldn't breathe, the pain in my heart was a hundred times worse than any physical pain I could ever feel. I'd just lost the one thing that I needed out of life, the one thing that mattered to me, hell she was the only thing that mattered to me in life. Not only had I lost her, but I'd actually pushed her away. I'd made her leave when she didn't want to and that hurt even more. The fact that I was hurting her by setting her free. If I could take her heartbreak as well as my own I would. I would lay down my life for that girl in an instant and I always would. I would do anything to make her happy, even if it destroyed me in the process.
She would get over this and find someone else and someone would give her everything I couldn't anymore. The thought hurt like hell, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Jennie deserved the best out of life, and me in a wheelchair wasn't that.
The nurse tugged on the mask pulling it out of my hand and pressing it back over my mouth and nose again. "Try and calm down, if your heart rate gets any faster you'll go into cardiac arrest," she said sternly.
Cardiac arrest? A heart attack, hell that sounded awesome right about now, hopefully it would kill me and I wouldn't have to live one day without my girl by my side. I closed my eyes trying to block out the pain of it but I couldn't, all I could see was Jennie telling me she loved me, flashes of our wedding and the day after when we woke up in the hotel and realized we were married, thoughts of making love to her for the first time. All these memories were flashing through my brain making it even more painful.
I would have lived every day of my life making her happy but it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough for her now, and I was doing the right thing letting her off. She didn't deserve a life sentence being tied to a girl in a wheelchair. I'd thought about this since the moment I woke up this morning, seeing her sitting there on the chair asleep at my side. I knew she wouldn't want to go, but if I couldn't walk again then I wasn't what was best for her anymore.
Sure, everything would have been fine for a year or two, but after a little while she would start to resent me for holding her back and then she'd leave me. It was best to set her free now, and then I could learn how to deal with this on my own, I'd be on my own sooner or later anyway, so why delay the inevitable?
After a little while the nurse pulled the mask off of my face and looked at me sympathetically. "Are you ok? Can I get you anything? Call someone?" she asked kindly.
I shook my head and forced a smile. I couldn't hold it together for much longer; I didn't want anyone here when I lost control. "I'm fine, can I just have a minute?" I asked, my voice husky and filled with emotion.
"Sure hon. If you need me then press the buzzer," she smiled and put the call button on the bed next to my hand.
"I'm fine now, thanks," I lied.
She took one last look at me before she walked out. As soon as I the door closed I couldn't hold it anymore, I gripped my hands in my hair and I sobbed. I sobbed for what I'd lost. I sobbed for what I gave up. I sobbed for what could have been. I hadn't cried since I was a kid but I couldn't stop. I prayed for death because that would have been easier than dealing with this, this was like living in hell on earth and I wasn't strong enough for it.
After I calmed myself down, I laid there numb, staring at the ceiling waiting for death to come and get me and take me out of here, to stop the pain and fill the gaping hole that used to be where my heart was. My parents came, but I couldn't even bring myself to talk to them, couldn't even shout at them for not sending me in for the surgery. I couldn't even utter a single word because they didn't matter. Nothing mattered apart from Jennie, but she was gone. I just stared straight ahead and blocked out their words, replaying images of Jennie in my head.
The doctors and nurses fussed over me for a couple of hours, I heard someone mention something about me being on suicide watch or something, but that didn't matter either. How the hell was I supposed to kill myself when I couldn't even get out of the bed? Maybe they were worried about me starving myself to death or something. Whatever, they were all stupid anyway and the sooner I was out of here the better.
A couple of hours later and I heard a commotion in the hallway; I didn't bother to open my eyes, what was the point? There was no point, there was no point in anything.
The door to my room started to open and then closed again. "You can't go in there," the nurse said sternly. Oh great another fucking visitor, why couldn't they all take the hint and just leave me alone?
"I need to talk to her."
My breath caught in my throat, that was my angels voice and it hurt to hear it. Why was she here? Was she really going to make me ask her to leave again? Could I do it again? Could I say the words and rip my heart out for a second time?
"She doesn't want to see you," the nurse said sternly.
"I don't care what the hell she wants. She's seeing me!" Jennie said, as the door burst open.
I flicked my eyes to her and I felt sick, she looked so sad. Her face was all puffy and red from crying, and I felt like a piece of shit. I wanted to throw myself at her feet and beg her to forgive me, the selfish side of me was rejoicing that she was here but the more rational, sensible part of me, was wishing she would leave and never come back. That was what was best for her and I needed her to be happy, that was the only thing I needed out of life.
"I know you don't want to see me but I have something for you," she growled angrily as she strode over to me and emptied the contents of a shoebox into my lap. She threw the empty box against the wall angrily as she glared at me.
I glanced down at my lap confused, what the hell was all this junk? There were movie stubs, a quarter, a couple of buttons, an old shirt of mine. A ring box, postcards, a little stuffed dog, a flattered helium balloon with happy birthday printed on the side. There were birthday cards, Christmas cards, photographs of us together and a couple of folded up pieces of paper, amongst a ton of other little knick knack things. I picked up the papers and opened them to see a couple of drawings that I'd done as a kid, letters that I'd written her asking her to come and play. There were little notes that I'd written for her recently, telling her that I loved her.
I looked up at her confused, why did she keep all of this stuff? It was all just junk that should have been thrown in the trash years ago. "What's all this?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly where I was trying not to cry again. I refused to cry in front of her, she hadn't seen me cry since I was nine years old and I wasn't going to let her see it now.
"That, Lisa Manoban, is everything important that has happened to me in my life up until this point. Every single thing in there involved you, and I kept all of this stuff because it means a lot to me. My whole life is in that box up until this point," she stated, her voice breaking slightly as she spoke. "And this," she continued, holding up her left hand and pointing to her wedding ring. "This is my whole life up until the day I die."
Oh god she's killing me. How could I get her to understand that I'm doing what's best for her, by setting her free? "Jennie, I…" I started, but she cut me off.
"You look me right in the eye and you tell me you don't love me, and I'll walk out of this door never to return again. But you'd better make it convincing, Lisa, because I always know when you're lying to me," she growled, looking at me challengingly.
I gulped there was no way I could say those words to her, I'd never be able to say those words to her. "Jennie, please," I begged.
"Do you love me or not, Lisa?" she asked, looking me right in the eye, a tear slid down her check and I longed to kiss it away.
I knew I couldn't lie to her, I could never force those words out of my mouth, and even if I could then she knew me way too well, she'd see through it immediately.
"I will always love you, Jennie bear," I said honestly.
She swiped her face with the back of her hand, wiping her tears away. "Then don't you dare insult me again by telling me that I don't love you enough for this!" she hissed through her teeth. I'd hurt her by saying that I could tell.
"I want what's best for you. I'm thinking of you," I whispered.
She shook her head, "You think being miserable and living without my other half is what's best for me? Where are you getting this crap from Lisa? You were always what's best for me, always!" she said, sniffing loudly.
"Maybe not anymore."
She stepped closer to the bed, looking right into my eyes making my heart speed up and I was glad I wasn't hooked up to that monitor anymore so she didn't know. "Stop being such a freaking hero! I love you, I want to be with you. If you don't want me then this is another matter, but that's not it, is it?" she asked, looking at me hopefully. "You're my life Lisa. You always were, and you always will be."
I gulped, I could see the truth in her eyes, she always was damn stubborn, it was one of the things I loved the most about her. "You're my life too," I admitted quietly.
I felt like such a coward for doing this, I felt so selfish in keeping her, when she would be happier without me. I should be brave enough to let her live a full life with someone who could give her everything, but I wasn't. I couldn't say the words again, I wasn't strong enough to cut out my own heart for a second time.
She smiled and stroked the side of my face and I couldn't help but close my eyes and savour the feel of her skin against mine, an hour ago I never thought I would get to touch her again so I was making the most of it now. "No more stupid talk about me leaving you. No more talk about you not being the best thing that ever happened to me. No more talk about what's best for me," she said sternly.
"I don't want this for you, Jennie," I whispered, looking at her pleadingly.
She cupped her hand around the side of my face and looked right into my eyes, "I want this for me. I want you. For better or worse, until death do us part, that's what we promised. And the last time I checked, you were still alive."
"Barely."
She smiled and traced her thumb over my bottom lip softly, "Barely is enough for me, Lisa."
"But I want to be the one to take care of you. You deserve someone to look after you Jennie; it shouldn't be the other way around. That's my job, it's always been my job to look after you."
She smiled and shook her head at me, "I love you more than anything, Lisa. I'll always love you, and as a couple we're supposed to take care of each other," she whispered. Her eyes were burning into mine making hope bubble up in my chest; she really didn't want to go I could see it in her eyes. She really wanted me, wheelchair or not.
I couldn't speak, I really had the most amazing girl in the world and I loved her with every bone in my body. I just prayed that I was enough to make her happy, that the changed version of me was enough for her. I took her hand off of my face and interlaced our fingers, my fingertips seeking out the wedding band that I had put there. I couldn't find the words to say to her, I had nothing, nothing at all was going through my brain. All I could focus on was her, her beautiful face and how much I loved and needed her.
"I need you to say those five words to me, Lisa. I need to hear it, right now," she said, looking at me pleadingly.
Wow my girl was demanding, wasn't it usually three words that a girl wanted to hear? I smiled teasingly, "Five words? Oh wait, you mean: Go buy me some candy?" I joked, slipping back into our easy relationship.
She laughed and shook her head, biting her lip as she climbed onto the bed next to me, crushing half of the crap that she had thrown at me when she walked in.
I smiled even wider, "Jelly doughnuts rule, so there?" I offered.
She giggled and looked me right in the eye. "If you don't get it right this time, I'm never kissing you again," she warned, raising one eyebrow playfully.
I grinned and put one hand around the back of her head, pulling her closer to me, our lips almost touching. Her smell filled my lungs making the hair on the nape of my neck stand up with excitement. "I love you, Jennie bear," I whispered.
She seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. "I love you too, Lisa."
I tightened my hand into the back of her hair and pulled her mouth to mine roughly. Kissing her so hard that it probably hurt her lips, but I was almost desperate for reassurance. She didn't complain or pull away, quite the opposite in fact, she pressed her body against my side as she kissed me just as fiercely.
She pulled her mouth away from mine slightly, pressing her forehead to mine as we both gasped for breath, I didn't let go of her hair, just held her close to me as if she was the only thing holding me to this earth. In reality she always did feel like that to me, like she was the very center of my world, like she was the reason I was here.
"I love you, Jennie Manoban," I whispered.
She pulled back slightly and shook her head, "Jennie Kim. If you want me to be Mrs Manoban, then you'll have to marry me again," she teased, smirking at me.
I laughed quietly; I would love to marry her again. There were parts of our wedding in Vegas that were a little hazy because of the alcohol and I would love to have another shot at it, so I could memorize every detail of the day I became the luckiest girl in the world.
"I'll think about it," I breathed, pulling her mouth back to mine again. She giggled and bit my bottom lip warningly. I pulled my head back a fraction, "Ok ok, no biting. I guess I can marry you again," I whispered against her lips, grinning like an idiot.
"Good girl," she breathed as she crashed her lips to mine again, ending the conversation.
She pulled away after a couple of minutes, just as I was getting really into it, but I guess I couldn't exactly lay here making out with my wife all afternoon. I felt sadness hit me again when I remembered that we're not actually married, but that was easily fixed if she really was up for it again. I'd stall it for a little while though, to make sure that was what she really wanted, I didn't want to tie her to me if she didn't want to.
She smiled and shifted on the bed, pushing her hand under her hip and pulling out a badge with 'C R, Best Friends 4eva' written on it. I'd made that for her when I was seven years old when I got a badge maker as a gift for Christmas. She laughed and pinned it on the front of the hospital gown I was wearing.
"I was such a dork as a kid," I admitted, laughing at it. That's actually pretty embarrassing that she'd kept that all these years!
She smiled, "You're a dork as an adult too." She stuck her tongue out at me and went to grab the shoe box that she'd tossed against the wall earlier. I scooped up all of the worthless crap that was spread over my lap. There were things I don't even remember, some stuff I couldn't even understand why she'd kept it. I held up a pebble, looking at her curiously.
She smiled and took it off me, putting it back into the box. "You brought that back from the beach for me when you went on vacation one year," she stated shrugging.
I grinned, she was so freaking sweet to have kept all of this stuff. It made me feel incredibly special that Jennie had kept all of these things, just because they reminded her of me. She was almost done putting it back into the box. I grabbed a bundled up wad of tissue.
"Please tell me this isn't from when I had a cold or something….." I looked at it disgusted.
She laughed, shaking her head. "Nope. Open it and see."
I frowned and opened the tissue, praying there wasn't something gross inside it. A little white thing was nestled in the middle, I looked at it, having no idea what on earth it was. I prodded it with my finger tip, it was hard and smooth. "What is this, Jennie bear?"
She laughed and bit her lip. "That's your tooth."
I dropped it on the bed and pulled my hands away quick as I could, wiping them on my clothes. "Seriously? That's gross! Why did you keep my tooth? Where did you even get it from anyway?"
She smiled and took the tissue, scooping the little while lump back inside without touching it. "You gave it to me. Remember when I was saving up for that Malibu Barbie doll? I was whining that it was taking me forever to save my allowance money and that the stores would sell out……. Well you went home and pulled out your wobbly tooth, you gave it to me and told me to put it under my pillow and pretend it was mine, so that the tooth fairy would give me some money to put towards the doll."
I laughed, did I? I don't really remember that, sounds like something I'd do though I guess. "Wow, I was a good friend, huh?" I teased.
She smiled and put the box on the chair, climbing back onto the bed with me, wrapping her arms around me gently. "The best," she whispered, kissing me again.
We laid there for a long time, looking through all of the worthless crap that she called treasure, her telling me what some of the more random things were and what they meant. Doctors and nurses came and went, I was given painkillers which I was grateful for.
After about two hours of small talk she turned and looked at me thoughtfully. I gulped, was she going to take it back now? Was she going to tell me that she wasn't sure she could love me now that I couldn't walk?
"Baby, can I talk to you about something?" she whispered, looking really uncomfortable.
I nodded, unable to speak through the lump that was forming in my throat.
"Ok so…." She started, her nose crinkling slightly like it did when she was thinking about something really hard. "I was thinking about your parents."
I felt my body relax, this wasn't about us, it was about my parents. "I don't really want to talk about it, Jennie bear."
I was too pissed off with them to talk about them right now. They'd come here earlier and I couldn't even bring myself to shout at them, to blame them for leaving the surgery and potentially ruining my chances of walking. I didn't want to see them, I didn't want to talk to them, I couldn't even be bothered to argue with them about it. Their decision had left me in this situation, I know I would have never known if the surgery would have worked if I'd had it hours earlier, but those precious few hours might have made all of the difference.
She stroked her hand across my chest, playing with the badge. "Lisa, I know that you're angry and god knows I'm angry too…… but they weren't stopping it to hurt you. Look, I don't want to fight their corner, I'm so angry at them that I actually can't believe I'm even talking to you about it. But….. just think about it for a couple of days, don't do anything irrational, they love you."
I sighed and nodded, "Let's just leave it Jennie, ok? I just don't want to be thinking about them right now." I patted the bed next to me. "Come lay with me for a bit."
She smiled and immediately laid down at my side, she was being so careful of me, every move was slow and deliberate like she was afraid to shift the bed in case it hurt me or something. I smiled down at her, trying not to laugh at the pained, worried expression on her face.
"What?" she asked, when she caught me staring at her.
I sighed, "You don't have to be so careful of me Jennie bear. Its not like it's going to hurt me or anything is it? You could drop something on my foot and I wouldn't know unless you told me." I tried to make it sound like a joke, but even I could hear the sadness in my voice. I was trying to stay positive, I really was, but I had no idea how I was going to cope with not being able to walk again. Not being able to do little things for Jennie, like carrying the groceries when we went to the store, pushing the shopping cart, things people took for granted and never even thought about until you couldn't do them anymore. Everything was going to change now, nothing would ever be the same again.
She frowned and looked down at my legs, "Lisa, stop thinking the worst. Give it a little while, ok?" she pleaded.
I nodded and kissed her forehead, putting on a fake smile. "Ok. I'm pretty tired Jennie, want to sleep with me for a little while?" I asked, stifling a yawn. From what she'd told me I'd been in a coma for 27 hours straight, then knocked out for six hours, then slept the whole night, I should have had enough sleep by now but I could feel my eyelids getting heavy.
"Sure, baby." She kissed the side of my neck, her hand finding mine, holding tightly. I couldn't stay awake even if I wanted to.
I woke up with something heavy on my crotch, I groaned a little as the throbbing pain started to get worse in my back. My whole body was starting to ache, I guess it was time for more pain meds. How long had I been asleep? I shifted my arm, tightening it around Jennie, trying to get her closer to me. I could tell she was still asleep because of how deep her breathing was against the side of my neck, I knew this girl like the back of my hand.
She snuggled into me tighter, the heavy thing on my crotch moved and went further down, pressing on my thighs, making the pain in my back worse.
I groaned and was just about to wake her up to ask her to get the doctor, when I realised that I could actually feel a weight on my legs. I raised my head and looked down a little shocked. Jennie's leg was on top of mine. I could actually feel the weight of her leg that she'd casually slung over me in her sleep. I could feel it! Holy shit!
Excitement burst in my chest. "Jennie!"