Back by popular demand. I'm very rusty.

Olivia turned on her side and stared at eight-week-old Riley. What a beautiful baby. She'd made sure to put the baby in the middle of the bed and surround her with pillows even though Riley was basically immobile.

She knew this was supposed to help her heal, but it was just making her sad. Then again, maybe that was part of healing. They were in Richard's old room that had been turned into a guest room now that Kathy and Elliot's original guest room was a nursery.

"You are perfect in every way." Olivia whispered to the little girl, as she stroked the side of Riley's face. Her piercing blue eyes were strong. At one point, Olivia felt like the child was looking straight into her soul. "You're supposed to be… helping…" She told the baby, huffing and fully aware that she was basically talking to herself.

Olivia couldn't believe she had agreed to watch Riley for the day. She also couldn't believe it had been Kathy's idea.

…

FLASHBACK:

Olivia had been at home, thankful that Calvin had decided to stay with Trevor for part of the summer after his sports camp. It seemed like he was going to stick with basketball and hockey, although hockey seemed to be taking over as his favorite. Trevor had never had a kid to truly take care of before and was completely serious about staying in Calvin's life, even if he and Olivia were over for good.

A knock on her door startled her. She'd just gotten a glass of wine and began to de-stress from her workday. Work wasn't the same without Elliot, but after so much had happened, maybe that was for the best.

"Hi." Olivia said, as she opened the door and viewed Kathy Stabler standing in front of her. The brunette assumed the worst, worried Elliot had done something to himself while at Pine Hills. "What's happened?" She asked the blonde.

"I just wanted to update you on Elliot." Kathy told her. "May I come in?" She said, looking past Olivia to see if Calvin was home.

"Sure," Olivia said, backing up and opening the door for Kathy to come in. "Calvin isn't here. Apparently, Trevor's upscale apartment was much cooler than mine, he's spending some one-on-one guy time with Trevor…" Olivia told her, rubbing the side of her eye a bit. She was tired.

They sat down on Olivia couch with some space between them. Olivia took a deep breath and waited for the blonde to talk.

"He's okay." Kathy started. "He completed the seven days. He's out now. I think things were more serious than he'd led on. I don't have a lot of details, but I know one of his friends has hooked him up with an apartment." The blonde stated with a small smile.

Olivia's eyebrows creased in confusion. "He's not coming home?" And of course, by home, Olivia meant the home that he'd shared with Kathy.

The blonde shook her head. "Not fulltime. Even before this, before Riley was born, he'd decided to get his own apartment… The day after she was born, we submitted the divorce papers. The plan was always to go through with it but he insists on being here for me and Riley, and honestly…" Kathy said with a guilty look, "I don't want to do this alone and I don't want Riley to miss out on having a father just because her biological one doesn't want her."

Olivia nodding in understanding. She couldn't blame Kathy. The brunette got up and walked to the counter, taking her wine glass in her hand, and bringing it to her lips. She needed some liquid courage for this conversation.

After taking a deep breath, Olivia continued the conversation.

"You don't have to keep me updated; you don't have to justify anything to me." She told Elliot's wife in a soft voice. "Look," Olivia started again, walking back over to the couch and sitting down, now farther from Kathy than she originally was. "I know this is… weird and… hard." She stated. Kathy looked at Olivia inquisitively. The brunette huffed and tried to continue the conversation from a different angle.

"I didn't have a father growing up, and it sucked. I know what it's like and I know Elliot is a good father. Riley deserves the best." Olivia told her with sincerity. Kathy tilted her head to the side as she stared at Olivia.

"I know I don't owe you anything…" Kathy told her lightly. "I wouldn't be sitting here talking to my husband's mistress unless I wanted to." The blonde told her. It was lighter than Olivia thought it should be. Kathy had a serene look about her, not angry or upset, just honest. "Ah… maybe I should have offered you a glass of wine…" Olivia stated, using her thumb to rub her eyebrow as she looked around the room and let out a fake laugh.

Kathy smiled. "And I would have accepted if I wasn't breast feeding… pumping and dumping for waste takes too much out of me, breast feeding alone is tiring, especially at my age." The blonde retorted. "I was moving on, if you couldn't already tell by the whole 'I got knocked up by another man' ordeal." Kathy stated. Olivia looked at the woman and wondered where the conversation was headed now. "You two have a bond that I have never understood. I know a lot of it is from being partners for years and being put in life or death situations." The blonde continued, "but you are the only other person I can truly see him with." She said.

Olivia took a deep breath, and then took another sip of wine. The brunette started shaking her head from side-to-side. "I'm not so sure." Olivia replied. "What I did was unforgivable."

"He'll come around." Kathy countered. "You just have to give him time. You know Elliot processes things different and he doesn't like to show emotions." The blonde reminded her. Kathy took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair. "He's been referred to an outpatient therapist. He's going to keep going to therapy and work on processing…. All of his stuff… the recent stuff, the stuff from childhood. He has a lot to work through." Kathy told Olivia.

Olivia glanced up at the blonde. "He know you're telling me this?" The brunette wondered out loud.

Kathy shrugged. "You're kind of a touchy subject with him right now, but he knows we're in contact." She told the other woman lightly. "He's got some anger to work through…"

"What about you?" Olivia asked, watching Kathy's demeaner.

"Me?" The blonde asked in surprise.

"Yeah." Olivia replied. "Are you really going to tell me you don't have any anger towards me too?" The detective bravely asked, fearing the other woman's answer.

Kathy sat in silence for a moment and stared at the wall across from her, before looking back in Olivia's direction. "If you had slept with him before the separation, before we started the divorce… for the first time, yeah, I'd have some anger." The other woman answered honestly.

The brunette began to shake her head. "There are other things. Even when you two got back toge-" Olivia was cut off by Kathy putting her hand in the air to indicate that she wanted the detective to stop what she was saying.

"I know." Kathy replied. "Part of Elliot's recent breakdown was…. A lot of confessions… to me." Olivia's eyes went wide. How much did Elliot actually tell her? Why would he tell her? "He's told me a lot." Kathy continued. "Too much, really." She stated, with a hence of a disgusted look on her face. "I know about the phone call, the one where he was with you when you accidentally answered his phone… I know." The blonde stated, giving Olivia a look of honesty.

"Oh god… he really has hit rock bottom…" Olivia thought out loud. She'd take another sip of wine if her wine glass wasn't empty. The detective brought both hand up to her face and rubbed her eyes and forehead before looking back at Kathy. "I'm so sorry." She whispered to Elliot's wife.

Kathy shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it." She said strongly. "I think Elliot was trying to make me hate him… and maybe you. I don't know. He doesn't have his head on straight. He just wants redemption but I'm not sure from who… God maybe, I don't know." The blonde told her. "I think he blames himself partially for… the miscarriage."

Olivia paled at the mention of the child she'd lost.

"You've gotta work through this, Olivia." Kathy told her. "He can't lose you too…. Or else, we might lose him."

The truth of the words rang loud in Olivia's silent apartment. She understood the underlying meaning.

"I'm fine."

Kathy actually laughed.

Olivia rolled her eyes. Why could all of the Stabler's call Olivia on her bullshit?

"I am…" The brunette countered in a more serious tone, looking at Kathy. "I… I'm talking to my therapist again… but that's something private and personal… and not something I want to talk about with you, or Elliot… or anyone."

Kathy nodded in understanding, realizing that she couldn't push Olivia to say more.

"I think you should spend some time with Riley." Now it was Olivia's turn to laugh. "I'm serious." The blonde stated.

Olivia had a half smile on her face. "You're out of your mind. You do not want your husband's mistress, who lied to him about miscarrying his love child, to babysit for you."

"Oddly enough, I trust you with her. I know you love her like your own, and you truly care about all of my kids because you care so much of their father." Kathy continued. "It's healing, spending time with an infant after you've lost a child yourself." She told her.

Kathy stood up and grabbed her keys, letting Olivia know that her time was up and she needed to get back home.

"Just think about it… talk it over with your therapist." The blonde told her. Olivia shook her head in disbelief as she walked Kathy to the door. It was a crazy idea.

As it turns out, Olivia's therapist was on board. Apparently, it could be therapeutic to spend time with an infant after you've had a miscarriage, even if it's years later. Her therapist suggested she talk to Riley as if Riley had been her child or tell Riley all the things that she would like to tell her child that she'd lost.

It took Olivia a few weeks to get on bored with the idea. When she finally agreed, Kathy had wanted to take an extra shift at the hospital. She wanted to get back to work much sooner than usual. So, Olivia came over. She still hadn't heard from Elliot. She was trying to give him space.

Kathy told her Maureen, Richard, and Kathleen might stop by to pick up some things she had for them in the kitchen. "Everyone has a key to the house these days, so don't be alarmed if one of them let's themselves inside, though I told them you would be here." Kathy told Olivia as she was getting ready to walk out of the door in her scrubs.

The blonde had gone over everything for Olivia. The breast milk was in the fridge, Olivia knew what times to feed Riley. Kathy had even told Olivia that it's okay to nap while the baby does. She told Olivia how to work the baby monitor, but Olivia was uncomfortable leaving the child alone, so Kathy suggested Olivia lay in bed with the baby and showed her how to surround the child with pillows.

All of this seemed surreal to Olivia. She couldn't make herself go to the room that Elliot and Kathy had shared for so many years. That's how she ended up in Richard's room turned guest room upstairs.

…

PRESENT DAY:

After laying in bed for a while, Riley began to get fussy, so Olivia picked the baby up and put her on her chest. She stroked Riley's back and patted her butt. She could hear the baby cooing.

The brunette's eyes started to water slightly.

"Crying is the body's way of physically releasing emotion." Olivia repeated her therapist's words. Her therapist had told her several times now that it was okay to cry, that it was a positive coping skill, one that she should use and not be ashamed of. Holding it in would hurt more than help.

The detective looked down at the small baby on her chest. She couldn't help but wonder what it would have felt like to hold her own baby, what giving birth would have been like, although she was slightly content with missing the whole pushing a baby out of your vagina part but that was just Olivia's way of trying to rationalize things in her mind. Her therapist had been teaching her to see out the good and bad in every situation. Apparently, she tended to seek out the bad, it was ingrained in her, probably from her abusive childhood.

She wiped the single tear that tried to slide down her face. She didn't want to cry today.

It took Riley being fussy for a bit and then attempting to latch onto Olivia's breast through her shirt for Olivia to realize the baby was trying to get milk from her.

The brunette chuckled.

"There's nothing in those, sweet girl." Olivia said, as she glanced at the clock. She'd been conscious of the time, wanting to keep Riley on her schedule. The detective knew it was a few minutes early, but she didn't think it would matter.

After taking the baby downstairs, giving her a bottle, and burping her, they'd ended up back in the bed. Olivia was thankful there was a TV in the new guest room. She put on some cartoons and turned the volume real low. Riley dozed off pretty quickly after getting milk drunk. Olivia figured it was safe for her to take a nap as well.

…

When Olivia awoke, her blurry vision saw a figure sitting on the end of the bed. Her first instinct was to reach for her gun, momentarily forgetting where she was.

"It's just me." Elliot said quietly. He seemed to be staring at the floor. Slowly, he brought his hand up to his short hair and rubbed his head briefly. "When Kathy said she got a sitter, she didn't mention that it was you…" He stated lowly.

It was hard for him not only to see Olivia, but to see her with Riley. It hurt him.

Olivia laid there with wide eyes, glancing over and seeing Riley snoozing next to her, still surrounded by pillows, probably too many pillows thanks to Olivia's over protectiveness. The brunette knew the kids might stop by, but Kathy hadn't said anything about Elliot.

Elliot took a deep breath and got up, walking over to the closet that was newly opened. Olivia realized he was taking clothes out of it, his clothes. This must be the room he stayed in when he came home. Kathy had mentioned he was slowly moving things back and forth from the house to his apartment.

She swallowed hard.

"We should talk." Olivia stated.

"Not yet." Elliot warned her without even looking in her direction. "I'm not ready…." He said as he was taking some shirts off of their hangers and laying them across his left arm.

She stayed silent.

"You shouldn't be here." Elliot continued, chancing a glance at her. Her eyes met his and he looked tired, the circles under his eyes were obvious. The last time she'd seen him was at work… the shooting.

He shook his head and let out a low, fake laugh.

"You shouldn't be babysitting my daughter."

It stung, bad. Olivia's eyes flashed hurt. He'd chosen his words carefully, specifically to hurt her.

"I didn't know you'd be here." She insisted, glancing over at Riley to ensure the little girl was still in a deep sleep. "It's… helping. It's healing." Olivia whispered, looking at him.

Elliot's demeanor changed to a more rigid stance. He was visibly getting angry or upset, or both.

"Don't you dare use my daughter for your fucking recovery process. She's not a pawn, she's a human being."

Another sting, and this time, it angered her. She tired to let the first one slide, but now he was obviously trying to hurt her.

"You had a…" He took a deep breath. "WE had a miscarriage and you process that however you will, but what you won't fucking do is corrupt my family in the process… anymore than you've already done!" Elliot was louder than he would have liked to be.

"Keep you're voice down!" Olivia shushed him and glanced at Riley again, who briefly stirred but seemed to fall right back into her slumber. "Look, I know I hurt you, and I know you don't want to talk, but this is ridiculous…" Olivia said, getting up and walking closer to him. Elliot started to back away from her, and she halted her movements. "You don't have to say these things to me… I'd never hurt your child, any of them, you know that!" She said, looking at him like he was talking crazy.

Elliot scoffed, then swallowed hard and looked around the room before landing his eyes back on her.

"Do I?" He countered. "How do I know you didn't go on one of your vodka benders, huh?" He asked so calmly that she nearly broke.

"W-what?" Olivia stuttered, looking at him in disbelief. "What are you saying?"

He couldn't be, he wouldn't. Surely, he wouldn't suggest that she'd lost their baby because she had been drinking. He knew better. What was he playing at? He looked her dead in the eyes and she nearly broke. She didn't know who was looking back at her, but it wasn't Elliot Stabler.

"How DARE you!" She said as tears came to her eyes. "You know damn well I would NEVER." Olivia told him, nearly pleading with him. She couldn't believe the conversation they were having. "You know me, you know I'd never do something to hurt my own child, your… OUR child. How could you suggest that?" Olivia said, now getting louder than she would like to but she was angry and upset.

"I thought I knew you…." He said, shaking his head. "The woman I knew would have never kept something so sacred, so important from me…. I don't know who you are anymore." Elliot finished, closing the closet, and walking towards the bedroom door. "The women I knew, the woman I thought I loved, would have never kept a… a pregnancy from me…." He said as his own eyes began to water. "A child…. Our child…"

Olivia now had tears leaking down her face. She was grateful Riley was still asleep.

"Elliot, stop it." Kathy's voice came from the doorway. Both Elliot and Olivia turned to see the blonde standing in the doorframe. "You can't treat her like that. You know better…" she said calmly.

Elliot scoffed again and adjusted the shirts that he was holding.

"I really never thought I'd see the day when you came to the defense of Olivia Benson." The venom in his voice was evident. At least Olivia knew it wasn't just her.

Kathy was dismissive of the jab. She knew him too well.

"I know you are hurting, but this isn't the way to go about it." She explained. He remained quiet, gathering his thoughts.

"What are you doing back so soon?" Olivia questioned, desperate for a change in the conversation.

Kathy looked at the other woman with sorrow. "The kids are downstairs…. They heard the fight, the know Elliot's been off. They got worried and called me." She stated, knowing Olivia was going to hate the answer she'd just been given. "Perks of living five minutes from the clinic…" Kathy shrugged.

"Oh god…" Olivia whispered, using both hands to rub her face. "They heard…" She said in disbelief, then looking to Elliot.

"I asked her to come," Kathy told him, crossing her arms over her chest. "I suggested it, and it's fine. I trust her with Riley." She stated strongly.

Oddly enough, Olivia felt more supported by Kathy than Elliot.

"Well, I don't." He shot back, casting a glance at Olivia. "But I guess I don't have a say…" Elliot whispered, then he was gone. He didn't react to the fact that Maureen, Richard, and Kathleen had probably just heard all about the miscarriage Olivia had had.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know he was coming…" Kathy said, slowly walking closer to Olivia. All the brunette could do was nod. She knew Kathy wouldn't have put her in a compromising position like that on purpose, even with the circumstance of her being Elliot's mistress.

"I don't think the therapy is working…" Olivia said, referring to Elliot, and a little to herself.

Kathy shook her head in disagreement. "It takes time." She replied. "You have to work on anger management and coping skills before you begin to work through the trauma. If you try to work on the trauma first and have no coping skills or skills on how to handle it, you self-destruct." She explained.

Olivia narrowed her eyes at the blonde.

"I've been to a couple of family sessions with him…" She confided in Olivia. "He does have a lot of anger, and he's got to figure out how to manage that anger, and channel it in a healthy way instead of yelling and bloodying his knuckles up. Once he works on that, he can start working on the trauma, processing, and healing…" Kathy repeated what his therapist had told her.

Olivia didn't disagree, but she hoped it didn't take too long because what just happened was awful.

"I'm done with work for the day. I'm not going back…" The blonde told her. Kathy reached her hand out to Olivia. "Why don't we go downstairs and get something to eat. I'll put the baby monitor up here for her." She said, gesturing to Riley.

Olivia hesitated.

"I don't know if I really want to be around your other kids right now," Olivia said, looked towards the doorway with hesitation.

"They are protective of me." The blonde told her. "If they know I'm fine, they'll be fine." She promised Olivia. "And if we're being honest…. Dickie is going to give you hell about sleeping with your partner, but that will probably be the extent of it…"

Olivia inwardly groaned, briefly remembering to when Richard had asked her if she'd ever slept with her Elliot. This was a lot, even for her.