Okay, it's time for another "therapy session".
This chapter is actually relatively short, yet it took me a while to write it. Why? Because it's surprisingly hard to decide which theme my ideas for these therapy sessions fit best. It took me a bit to decide which ideas I should put into this one, and where I'll put the other ideas I had. Well, maybe the next one of these chapters will be a bit easier.
Anyway, broadly speaking, this chapter is mostly about Akinym and Sinon trying to understand what the traumatic experiences of the respective other mean to them.
Disclaimer: I don't own Sword Art Online Re:Hollow Fragment or Sword Art Online in general.
Just as they had decided, Akinym and Sinon regularly sat down to talk about Sinon's past. Usually, they did that at least twice per week.
At first, they had met at one of their inn rooms, but they had noticed that the other residents had a strange… habit of barging in at this hour. To be fair, it hadn't happened every time, but after three times of people knocking at the door with more or less urgent matters on their mind, it had started to irk them.
Asuna had (unknowingly) provided an unexpected solution. As it had turned out, she had wanted to visit that resting area in the far west of the 90th floor, the one with the clear view on the horizon, after Sinon had told her the story how Strea had stalked people there. For some reason, that had seemed to inspire Asuna to see the spot herself, although she had probably just wanted to see the "rumored" sunset with Kirito.
Well, long story short, when these two had gone there one day, there had already been other people, meaning that the spot had already been taken. Asuna had been a bit disappointed, and she had told Sinon and a few others about it. Someone had brought up that she could try it again at a later time of day. They had done that, and it had worked out perfectly. Okay, watching the sunset after sunset was obviously not possible, but watching the starry sky had apparently been romantic enough for her, so…
Anyway, this story had given Sinon an idea. This resting area had been where she had told Akinym about her past for the first time, even if it wasn't in detail, so it might also make a good place to continue from there in her opinion.
To be fair, she wouldn't choose the place just for the sake of symbolism. It was a safe zone, so monsters wouldn't disturb them, and it was easy to reach within a few minutes from a teleporter, so it wasn't a hassle to get there and to get back afterwards. At the same time, it was relatively secluded, and once she and Akinym had looked into it, they had discovered that nobody seemed to go there past 9 pm.
Thus, they had decided to have their conversations there. Akinym checked the surrounding area frequently with his Searching skill to see if other players showed up unexpectedly, and with that precaution, they were quite confident that they could talk in private.
So here they were, sitting at the aforementioned resting area pretty much in the middle of the night, with the only light coming from the stars above and the portable lamp on the table between them.
They talked about a variety of things on these occasions. For instance, it was relatively common for them to repeat Sinon's story.
They had started this the first time they had held these "meetings" at this resting area, and back then, it had been a mostly symbolic act. Basically, the idea had been to complete the story where Sinon had begun telling it.
By now, the reason for the repeated retellings was that Sinon might gain confidence in her ability to deal with these memories that way. At least that was Akinym's idea. Frankly, he had never done anything like this before, and he didn't know if this really was what a psychotherapist would do. He was merely sure that Sinon would have to learn how to deal with the memories of the post office incident and everything it entailed, and she couldn't do that while avoiding these memories.
Sinon was, of course, given as much time as she needed, and she had the option to stop talking about the incident at any point, although she had never taken that option. However, while talking about the event had become easier after seeing that Akinym did indeed not condemn her for her actions, she still couldn't talk about it fluently. The memories hurt too much.
On the other hand, Sinon didn't like her own hesitation. She apologised to Akinym for some long pauses, and Akinym had to remind her that she didn't have to apologise for that.
To be honest, some of Akinym's "habits" as the Hollow Instructor caused some trouble. He wasn't fond of repeating himself. Whenever one of his students had seemingly forgotten a lesson, and he had to say something twice, he had considered it a reminder, but starting with the third time he had to say something, it just became irritating.
Akinym had to remind himself that acting on this irritation would be a bad idea. However, there had been a few times when Sinon had caught on to this before Akinym could've hidden it. It… didn't exactly help, even though the actual problem was that Sinon hadn't realised that Akinym wasn't annoyed at her difficulties in speaking about her past, but at her difficulties in accepting that he didn't mind her difficulties in speaking about her past.
Anyway, their current topic was what Sinon had felt right before she had attacked the robber in order to disarm him. Her memories about that part were a bit fuzzy, and she tried to remember it more clearly.
Sinon [slightly hesitantly]: To be perfectly honest, I don't know if I was thinking anything when that man aimed… his gun at my mother. I only remember springing into action. [contemplatively, slightly uneasily] If I had to guess, though, I'd say that I just wanted to protect my mother in that moment. I… had this wish to protect my mother back then. That's another story. Anyway, I wanted to protect her. Her specifically.
Akinym [slightly contemplatively]: Well, that would explain why you could suddenly muster the courage to do something about the robbery.
Sinon [slightly doubtfully]: Mustering the courage? I don't know about that… I was just a kid, a kid that was attached to its parent and had weird ideas as to what it could do for them. How was I supposed to protect her or anyone?
Akinym [slightly quizzically]: Why are you so negative? By all accounts, you did protect her!
Sinon [doubtfully]: I don't know if you can call it that… I mean, when I promised myself that I would take care of my mother and protect her, I didn't think of straight up murder…
Before Sinon could say anything else, Akinym's spear was flung at her head, and the shaft hit her nose. Sinon looked at Akinym in bewilderment and with a glint of annoyance. Akinym remained relatively unfazed by Sinon's glare while he was retrieving his spear, which had fallen onto the table.
Well, to be fair, Sinon's "self-assessment" had annoyed him just as much as his actions had annoyed her, so they were even, so to speak.
Sinon [upset]: Would you stop that?! That's at least half a dozen times you've done that already!
Akinym: Hm, that depends on whether you'll stop saying nonsense! I've told you: I do this to make people stop talking rubbish, and so far, it works too well to stop!
Sinon: That's not rubbish, that's just… [slightly annoyed] Listen, I did what I did, and that means…
Sinon stopped mid-sentence when Akinym raised his spear to the level of his head, aiming the blunt end at Sinon.
Akinym [contemplatively, slightly annoyed]: Maybe I'm just not hitting the right spot. Maybe if I hit the forehead at the right angle…
Sinon [shields herself with her arms, upset]: Knock it off already! This doesn't help, it just… [dejectedly] It just gives me the feeling that you don't understand…
When Akinym noticed the change in Sinon's attitude and voice, he paused for a moment. It felt almost… disheartening? Well, yeah, Akinym had to admit that it was probably that.
He put his spear down and leant it against the bench he was sitting on. While doing this, he wondered if this was just another method that stemmed from his attitude as an instructor. Either way, it might cause more harm than good…
Akinym leant back and sighed while Sinon was putting her arms down again.
Akinym: Okay, I'm sorry. You see, you've killed someone, but that doesn't make you a murderer. I… [slightly frustrated] I don't know how to explain it, and I guess that's the problem. The only thing I'm sure of is that it can't be good for you to see yourself that way! [thinks] If only I knew how to convince you… [says aloud, slightly sternly] So, in all honesty, stop thinking that! I… [slightly exasperatedly] I guess I can't control whether you think it, but whenever I hear you say that… It's frustrating!
Sinon gave it some thought. Akinym was probably right that seeing herself as a murderer wasn't good for her. Alas, whenever she thought about the man from the post office, and his face appeared in front of her mind's eye, she could only think that this was the face of the person she had murdered.
She thought about the way Akinym had phrased this. It wasn't good for her to think that, not just to say it. In her opinion, Akinym had been right to phrase it that way. This, however, meant that the realisation wouldn't help her unless she'd find a way to stop thinking that way. She had tried to do that for a while – for a long time, actually – but it had never worked out.
Meanwhile, Akinym tried to remember where they had left off.
Akinym [slightly contemplatively]: Ah, right… The way you felt about your mother being threatened… [contemplatively, slightly doubtfully] Why do you actually think you didn't really protect her? Because, you know, no matter how I look at it, you did, and it makes me wonder why you seem to have doubts. I mean, you said that the robber had already shot at someone, and he might've shot several people that day if you hadn't stopped him. In all honesty, you might've saved several people.
Frankly, it was another thing Akinym couldn't wrap his head around. It was yet another reason why killing that robber in self-defense wasn't even questionable in Akinym's opinion: It wasn't even just self-defense.
It made him wonder why Sinon didn't seem to take the lives she had saved into consideration. He got an idea when he saw the strangely surprised look on her face. She looked as if she the thought had never occurred to her.
To be fair, that was a bit of an overstatement. Deep down, she was aware of the fact that the man at the post office could've killed several people. However, nobody had ever seemed to care about it, at least not enough to bring it up. It had reached the point where Sinon had pretty much forgotten about that fact.
Now that Sinon actually thought about it, she could see where Akinym was coming from, at least to some extent. Alas, she didn't really feel any better. The problem was that when she tried to think of the lives she had apparently saved, the only thing that came to her mind was the expression of utter shock on the face of her mother when she had looked at her right after Sinon had killed the robber.
How could that ever make her feel better? Now that Sinon thought about it, this might be the actual reason why she didn't think that she had protected her mother in that situation. Sure, she had been alright physically, but she had basically suffered a mental breakdown after the post office incident. Well, she had broken down even further, to be more precise. That… wasn't really reassuring.
Sinon also had the feeling that the guilt she felt about taking a life outweighed the solace she might find in the fact that she might've saved others. She wondered if this was what Akinym had talked about when he had said that the regret he felt for killing someone was overshadowed by the regret for letting someone die. When he had said it, she had got the gist of it, but now she thought she might've gained a deeper insight.
Now that she thought about it, could it be that Akinym had brought this whole "saving others" topic up because that was what he thought he had done when he had killed that bandit? She remembered him saying something along those lines. That question led directly to another one, which had been on her mind ever since they had started this "therapy".
Sinon [slightly hesitantly]: Hey, would it be okay if I asked you something? It's… about the time when you… you know, killed someone.
Akinym was a bit surprised for a moment. He considered asking why she wanted to ask about that, but that only made him figure that he should just let her ask the question to see what it's about, so he just nodded.
Sinon [slightly hesitantly and curiously]: H-how… How do you actually… feel about it? I mean, I said that you seemed as if it doesn't faze you at all, but I also ignored the way you had compared it with that time one of your students had died. Now I'm wondering how you really feel about it. [calmly] It's pretty much the other way around with me: You can't understand why I feel so bad about murd… killing someone, [slightly at a loss] but I can't understand why you don't. I mean, what does this even mean to you?
Now it was Akinym's turn to be just as surprised by Sinon's remark as Sinon had been by his. There was also the similarity that nobody had addressed that question before.
There had been people confronting him about that action, but they had only cared about how Akinym's apparent attitude might affect them. Even people like Klein and Agil, who had overall defended him when this incident in Akinym's past had sparked a debate, had never asked how he really felt about it. Well, Kirito had done it to some extent, but he had asked in a very special context.
Now that Akinym was confronted with the question, he thought about how to answer it most appropriately.
Meanwhile, it dawned on Sinon that she had asked a pretty bold, personal question seemingly out of the blue. Well, it had at least surprised Akinym visibly, so she figured that it had come out of the blue. She wondered why she had asked this so nonchalantly, and it occurred to her that these conversations with Akinym seemed to be an opportunity to speak freely in general. Well, at least unusually freely. At the very least, she had never had the feeling that she'd have to hide something desperately – be it a statement or a question.
Just as she finished her thoughts, Akinym finished his.
Akinym [slightly hesitantly]: Well, I obviously didn't want to kill anyone. Most certainly not explicitly. There… is actually a part of the story that I've never really told anyone. [takes a deep breath] Just when I was about to attack that bandit, I hesitated for a moment. It was a moment of… indecisiveness. I wondered if I was really about to do the right thing.
Sinon: It… didn't seem to stop you, though.
Akinym: No, it didn't. When I thought that, Amaterrace's death played back in my mind. Seeing that scene again made the thought that it could happen again there and then absolutely unbearable, and I stopped thinking about any "ethical" aspects of the situation. I simply did what I felt I had to do… and accepted the consequences.
Sinon took that story in for a moment. Frankly, it felt a bit reassuring to hear that Akinym wasn't completely unfazed by what he had done. For starters, it was good to know that he certainly wouldn't murder anyone mindlessly, although Sinon thought that it would be out of character for him to do anything halfway important without putting at least a little bit of thought into it first.
Even more importantly, though, it gave her the feeling that Akinym seemed to know the guilt of taking a life, even if it was apparently to a lesser extent. Sinon had feared that Akinym wouldn't actually understand that feeling at all.
However, there was the question how well Akinym knew the feeling.
Sinon [hesitantly, slightly worriedly]: Do you ever feel… guilty about it? I mean, do you ever wish you wouldn't have done it?
Akinym: Never.
The quick, decisive answer actually startled Sinon.
Akinym: The problem is that if I did that, it would feel like downplaying what happened to Amaterrace – or worse, it could be like neglecting the lesson I've learnt from it. [slightly hesitantly] But I wouldn't say that I don't feel guilty about it. I… don't want to have blood on my hands. [slightly contemplatively] If I didn't have a problem with that, I wouldn't have had any problem with killing that assassin and saving Amaterrace. It is as I said: I had my doubts about attacking that bandit, but when I realised that these were the same doubts I had had when Amaterrace's life had been threatened, I couldn't allow myself to have these doubts. I know – deep down I've always known – that life is not always so convenient that there's a perfect solution, and SAO had taught me the hard way how true that really is.
Sinon thought about Akinym's answer, and she got the impression that Akinym couldn't allow himself to truly understand how she felt about taking someone's life. Frankly, she didn't like that thought.
While Sinon pondered over that, Akinym wondered if anything was still unclear, so he decided to sum it up as briefly as he could.
Akinym: In the end, I've come to the conclusion that if I'm going to have blood on my hands either way, I want it to be because of a decision I've made rather than because of a decision I couldn't bring myself to make. [slightly at a loss] I don't know how to put it… That way, it at least feels as if said blood belongs there. [slightly dejectedly] Even though that's not the greatest comfort.
Sinon merely nodded to show that she understood it. To be honest, Akinym's statement might have made it absolutely clear how he felt about the incident in question, but it didn't actually make Sinon feel any better.
She was still curious if there might be more, though. There was a variety of questions on her mind, all centred around things she thought about when she remembered the man from the post office.
Sinon: Do you ever think about the life that bandit player had? I mean before SAO. He probably has a grieving family in the real world… and friends. Who knows, some of them might've played with him. And… do you ever wonder why he did what he did? What made him become a bandit in the first place?
Akinym [slightly contemplatively]: It's… not often. I usually don't think about that incident. It's just… that dwelling on that event won't get me anywhere. But yeah, he might've had a perfectly normal life before… all of this, and if that's the case, he probably has people who will miss him just as well.
Sinon had the impression that Akinym's expression became somewhat sad when he said the last part. Seeing that felt strangely reassuring.
At the same time, Sinon certainly didn't forget that Amaterrace's death still weighed heavier on Akinym's conscience than the death of that orange player, and this brought a question to her mind.
Sinon: And Amaterrace?
Akinym [slightly dejectedly]: I don't have to wonder about that. I've seen what her death meant to others, remember? Okay, I haven't seen how her family reacted, but seeing the reactions of her friends has given me a pretty good idea, and I'll never forget that!
To be fair, the answer wasn't exactly what Sinon had expected, but it wasn't too far away from it.
While she was thinking about this, Akinym pondered over the reasons Sinon might've had for asking such questions, and he made an educated guess.
Akinym [slightly curiously]: Now, what about you? Do you ask yourself these questions about that robber?
Sinon's expression became a bit pained. She answered with a simple nod.
After that, Akinym began to think about what he could learn from this exchange. While he was contemplating what exactly these questions said about Sinon's attitude towards this incident in her past, a certain thought occurred to him.
Akinym: You know, maybe the problem is that we're comparing the wrong things. At first, you came to me thinking that killing the bandit player had been like killing the robber at that post office, and I'm getting the feeling that I've done the same thing, and that's why I can't make any sense of your guilt. That's why neither of us can make any sense of the respective other's guilt.
Sinon [slightly confused]: Well, I guess I can somewhat understand what you're getting at… but only somewhat. What are you trying to say?
Akinym: I have a corresponding incident in my life, it's just not killing the bandit, it's Amaterrace's death. [slightly taken aback] Oddly enough, I think it's actually quite obvious, and it makes me wonder why I didn't realise it sooner… [contemplatively] Maybe it's because I've compared that robber with the assassin, or it's because comparing the robber and the bandit seemed too natural. Either way, the true parallel is between the robber and Amaterrace. [seriously] The problem is that we both did something that we think we shouldn't have done. It just happens that these things seem to be polar opposites, which can easily distract from this similarity.
The idea surprised Sinon a little, but once she put some thought into it, it seemed logical, and she could see where Akinym was coming from.
More importantly, though, it eased her anxiety about the question if Akinym could understand her situation and her trauma. Sure, his own experience might make it almost impossible for him to fully understand how she felt about killing someone, but that didn't mean that he didn't understand feeling responsible (and guilty) for someone's death.
There was a common thread between their experiences, it was just different from what they had thought. With that knowledge, they were more confident that they could come to understand the problem they were dealing with.
...and I guess that's a good point to end this chapter.
To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how guilty Sinon is supposed to feel in canon. She clearly feels guilty about killing someone, but I think she might not see herself as a murderer as... insistently as it is portrayed here. Either way, I'll go with this version.
So, what's next? Well, first of all, I'll work on another side story after this chapter. This time, it will centre around Yui. After that, however...
There won't be a "Little Preview" this time. Why? Because I haven't decided yet what the next chapter will be about. I have an idea for two chapters, but both of them are on the border between "it should be in the main story" and "it's definitely a side story". I want to include at least one of them, and I guess I'll make the other one a side story, but the question is which one I should choose.
Both stories are about HF events. One of them is about the event featuring Kirito and Sinon going window shopping and buying glasses for Sinon (I'd replace Kirito with Akinym, though, and there'll be a lot more context). The other one is about the two fortune teller events.
Now, I'll give you, dear readers, the chance to decide. There'll be a poll on my profile page. Both of these stories will be written at some point, it's just that whatever story is apparently more interesting will be the next chapter here, whereas the other one will be a side story I'll write after the next "Therapy Session".