Warning: this involves PTSD and detailed (not too detailed) surgery description. If you aren't comfortable with reading, please don't. So, basically, our Will has a breakdown in the OR during a surgery because of PTSD from the war and losing campers under his watch. Sue me. - Ruth
Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: we don't own anything
I walk into the OR room, looking around. It's been a two weeks and a half since the war with Gaea and I've lost exactly 8 campers. Under my watch. With my hands inside of them. Trying to save them.
"Will, are you good?" Marigold asks, continuing to prep the room for another surgery.
I look at my sister, swallowing. "Yeah, all good," I say, trying to keep my voice from cracking.
She gives me a doubtful look, but continues to prep the room. I walk out the OR. I stop at the hallway leading from the OR to the main room with everyone. I look at my hands. They start to shake violently.
"You better get that to stop. Can't work with shakey hands." Benjamin says, walking from behind me. He stops and takes a look at my hands. "Dude, you okay?"
I almost tell him that no, in fact I'm a total mess. That I don't want to mess this up and kill another camper because I can't seem to keep my head straight in the OR. That there's too much blood. Too much injuries. Too much memories on how they got those injuries. Too much.
I squeeze my hands into fist. Hard enough to wear my nails cut into my palms. Even though I don't even have long nails because of being a surgeon. They stop shaking. I inhale sharply.
Ben continues to stare at me, hazel eyes getting more concerned as the seconds go by.
"I'm all good. Let's go tell Daniel that he's ready for surgery," I say. I ignore Benjamin's look of disbelief. I push all my doubt down deep. There's a job to do.
He follows me though to Daniel's room. I take his chart from the holder on the wall next to the door, opening the door. Chanel finishes prepping him.
"He's all ready for surgery," she tells us. I nod.
"Don't kill my boyfriend, Solace," Scarlett tells me, glaring at me.
All of the doubt that I just pushed down resurfaces. I stare at her, gulping. Scarlett's words replay in my mind. I should tell her to find another person to do this surgery. That I'm not cut out, but instead, I say the opposite.
"I have this, Craig." I reassure her, giving her a smile. I turn to Daniel, who's smiling at his girlfriend. "Okay, you are ready for this surgery. There shouldn't be any complications during this procedure, so everything should go as planned." I tell him.
"That's great," Daniel says. He turns to Scarlett. "I'll see you when I get out."
"See you when you get out. Don't die on me now, though," she warns him. Daniel laughs.
"I won't. I promise." He tells her.
I advert my eyes when they kiss. Their easiness with this is too much. Now it's on me to keep Daniel from dying. From breaking his promise. It's on me to not screw up.
I squeeze my hands again when they shake. I look back up at the couple. "Okay, let's go. The room is ready," I tell them.
Chanel and Benjamin pop the rails up on Daniel's cart, pushing him from the room. I follow as we make our way to the OR.
"I'm going to be alright, Will, right?" Daniel asks.
"Yes. You are going to be perfectly fine," I tell him, clenching my hand around the clipboard.
Daniel nods. We enter the OR. I help Ban and Chanel move him onto the table.
"We're just going to put you under general anesthesia. You won't feel a thing," I tell him, holding the mask. I put it on his face, waiting till he falls asleep so I can put a line up his arm.
The three of us exit the room while Marigold stands off next to the tray of tools and Alejandro sits on the stool, monitoring Daniel.
I put a medical mask on and my surgical cap. I scrub my hands at the sink in the add on room. It's definitely weird for 15 year olds to be performing this surgery, but what can you do about it?
After scrubbing, I make my way into the OR. I hold my hand out.
"10 blade," I say, looking at the skin I'm supposed to cut with the iodine on it.
Marigold hands it to me. I suck in a breath, pressing the knife to Daniel's skin. It just presses against the skin, not cutting. I don't press down. I feel my siblings starting to stare at me, Marigold from next to me, Chanel and Benjamin from across the table, and Alejandro at the end.
"Will?" Marigold asks.
"Right," I mutter.
I cut. I manage to keep my hands steady, until the heart monitor spikes. Beeping crazily.
"He's having an arrhythmia," Chanel says, taking her hands from the tools. Benjamin hands her the paddles.
My thoughts come back. Scarlett's words come back.
'Don't kill my boyfriend, Solace.'
This is my fault. If I wouldn't have cut there, this wouldn't have happened. What if I kill him?
My breath starts coming rapidly. My hand comes up a little from the skin, shaking. I stare at my hands, my always steady hands, as they shake and shake. I start gulping down breaths.
"Will?" Chanel asks, but her voice is far away, the sound of my breath and heart beating over powering her voice.
"Hey, Will, snap out of it," Benjamin says. He starts working around my hands to fix the problem.
"Will, move your hands." Marigold commands, voice too stern for a 15 year old.
I try. I really do. But then I'm dropping the scalpel, my legs buckling. I fall to the ground, staring at nothing. I continue to hyperventilate, my hands shaking.
The images of campers dying on the field come to view. The images of rushing them to my siblings. And then me, my hands deep in them. The heart monitor spiking before flat lining.
I faintly hear my siblings shout at me to get up and ask if I'm alright. I hear the door open, but I'm too focused on my hands shaking. And my hands shaking because these are the hands that caused this.
And then I'm meeting the eyes of my best friend. He peers at me with concerned green eyes. My other best friend stares at me from where he's sitting on the ground.
"Will, hey, Will," Mitchell says, his voice becoming more clear.
I move my eyes from his to staring at nothing, trying to get my breathing fixed along with my hands. That only makes me hyperventilate more and shake more. Mitchell lays fully down on the ground next to me, looking at me.
"Will, you need to take deep breaths," Malcom says.
I look at him then Mitchell.
"Hey, let's get out of here," he whispers.
My hearing returns to normal and I don't hear the monitor beeping crazily.
"I...I can't." I whisper.
"Hey, yes you can." Mitchell tells me.
"I can't feel anything. No...nothing."
Mitchell stares at me before taking my hands and ripping the gloves off. He takes my hand.
"Feel me. Feel my hand, Will. I'm right," Mitchell tells me. "I'm not going anywhere."
I squeeze his hand, feeling the warmth. It's still not enough. My hands keep shaking. Why can't I just stop shaking? Everything will be alright if I stop shaking.
"Malcom, what do I do?" I hear Mitchell asks.
I can feel him grip my hand tighter.
"Will, I'm right here. I'm proud of you. What you're feeling is scary, but trust me Will, it's not dangerous. Just come back to the present. Come back to me. Come back to Nico." Mitchell tells me.
My breathing slowly starts to return to normal. I close my eyes and feel Mitchell's other hand come to my hand. The warmth feels good and he squeezes my hand to get it to stop trembling.
"Will, tell me what you need. We're right here. Just tell us what you need." Malcom says.
"I want to get out of here. I want to get out of this OR. I want this feeling to stop. To go away. I want to get out." I mumble, shutting my eyes tighter.
"Okay, so let's do that. Let's get out of here." Malcom says.
I let them help me up. I take my gloves and covers off in a haste, throwing them in the bin and walking out the OR, Mitchell and Malcom following.
I walk out to the main room. Scarlett stands up quickly from a chair.
"What's going on? Is Daniel alright?" Scarlett asks.
"He's fine." Malcom tells her.
I walk past her, trying to get outside.
"Then what is he doing?" She asks, probably referring to me.
Malcom and Mitchell ignore her, following me outside. By the time I get outside, feeling the warmth of the sun and the slight breeze from the lake, exhaustion washes over me. My eyes start to close before I close them for good.
I wake again and I'm lying down. I look around to see I'm in one of the cots in the infirmary.
"Oh, thank goodness you're awake," a voice says from next to me. I turn to see Mitchell and Malcom staring at me.
I start to feel embarrassed when what went down in the OR comes back to me. They weren't supposed to find out about that, especially in that way.
"Will, I think you might have some PTSD from the war." Malcom says slowly like he's trying to teach a child.
"I don't have PTSD." I tell him.
"No, I'm pretty sure-" Malcom starts, but I cut him off.
"Just go," I tell them. They don't move. "Please. Just go. Get out now."
I curl into a ball. I hear one of them sigh and then someone squeezes my shoulder. When I'm sure that they left, I start to cry silently and end up crying myself to sleep.
I'm in the OR, someone on my table. It's strange because it's only me and the person in the OR. I continue to work though. I notice a cloth over the persons face. Curious, I stop working and pull it off with one hand. I gasp when I see Malcom on the table.
The scene shifts and I'm in the medical grounds during the war. I look around at people screaming-doctors shouting orders and campers screaming in pain. I look back at the table to see Nico.
"What?" I ask myself.
I look down to see blood start rushing from Nico's stomach where I'm working. His heart monitor starts going crazy. I start trying to fix it. I really do. But it seems like the more I sew, the more I tear. The more I try to get the bleeding under control, the more it starts coming out. Blood gushes from Nico's stomach until I feel like I'm drowning.
"Will?" Mitchell asks.
I turn around to see me standing back in the OR. Mitchell looks down at his hand that's just below his diaphragm area. I watch him pull away his hand to see blood on it and staining his shirt. He looks at me with fear in his eyes.
I get turned around forcefully and I'm back at the grounds. Alejandro's in my face.
"Will, you killed them. How could you? They were our friends and you killed them!" He shouts. I stare. "Will? Will!"
I gasp loudly, sitting straight up.
"Will!" Nico shouts, grabbing onto my hands that start reaching out to grab hold of something.
I look at him.
"Will, you need to breath. Breath for me." Nico pleads. "Will, please."
I gather my breathing. Tears come to my eyes before they start running down my face. I take my hands from his, clasping them. Nico pulls me into a hug.
"Will, il mio amore," he says soothingly, rubbing my back. Nico kisses my head. "I know. I know. It's okay. Let it out."
I continue to sob, leaning into Nico. He moves us so he can sit on the cot as well.
I could've sworn I lost them all. Or almost lost them.
When I've stopped sobbing, only small tears now, Nico let's loose a little.
"Tell me what's wrong." He whispers.
More tears come to my eyes, but I wipe them away quickly.
"I...I thought I lost you guys." I whisper.
"What are you talking about?" Nico asks, though I know he probably knows.
"I was in the OR and Malcom was on the table and I was operating on him, but there was a cloth over his face. And then.." I start to choke up.
"It's okay." Nico hugs me tighter.
"You were on the table and I was at the medical grounds during the war. And I couldn't save you. There was so much blood." I whisper the last part, looking at my hands. That's the only thing I can see though. Just that scene. "I lost you."
I hear Nico take a deep breath in.
"I'm right here, Will. I'm not going anywhere, hear me? It was just a dream." Nico tells me. He lets me cry for a couple of minutes. "Is there more?"
I nod.
"Can you tell me?"
I open my mouth and then close it.
"It's okay if you can't. We can talk about it later." Nico tells me.
"I turned around to the sound of my name and I saw Mitchell standing there. He had his hand on his diaphragm and when he pulled it away, there was blood. I think he might've been...stabbed?" I furrow my brows, but push that away. "And then I got turned around and Alejandro was in my face. I was back that the medical grounds. He was screaming at me that I killed them. I don't know who's them, but I killed them."
Nico stays quiet and just holds me. I'm grateful for that.
"Malcom and Mitchell told me what happened in the OR and how Malcom thinks you might have a low case of PTSD." Nico tells me.
I'm too tired to roll my eyes.
"I don't have that. He should've kept his mouth shut. And he's crazy to think I have it. I would know. I'm the one who's the doctor." I mumble, getting mad for some reason.
"Will, don't push them away. I know you felt embarrassed that they and your siblings saw you in that state, but don't push them away. They're trying to help and take it from me, you don't want to go through this alone. Let them help and we'll get out of this. We'll figure out whatever is causing you to feel this way and fix it, okay?" Nico asks, looking me in the eyes.
I look into the eyes I've fallen in love with. I give him a small smile and nod. He smiles back before kissing my forehead. I curl up into Nico and he holds me. I fall asleep in his arms.
In the middle of the day, Mitchell and Malcom come to visit me. They stand in the doorway.
"Um, Daniel's is in a really good state. The surgery was smooth sailing the rest of the way. Marigold said something about him being in a medically induced a coma and that'll he'll be waking up soon." Mitchell says, fidgeting with his hands. "Just thought you should know."
I nod. We go into a silence before I break it. "I'm sorry I kicked you guys out when you guys were trying to help," I say, looking down at my folded hands.
"It's okay. We understand." Mitchell says.
I look up at them. The two move to sit on either side of me.
"Hey, you're going to get through this. You're strong." Malcom tells me.
"Yeah, stronger then you." I joke, trying to lighten the mood.
Malcom rolls his eyes. "It's was one time. One time!" He defends, referring to the arm wrestle he had with one of newbies who actually ended up beating him. When I went up against the new kid, I won.
Mitchell laughs. "That was pretty embarrassing, Mal." Mitchell tells him. "And funny."
"You guys suck." Malcom tells us, turning away.
"You love us." I tell him. Malcom turns to looks at us.
"You're lucky I do." He rolls his eyes, but smiles.
"Oh, the squad's back together!" Mitchell shouts, pulling us into a hug.
I hug of them back, laughing lightly.