The Fallen
Summary – Peeta Mellark is the Winner of the 74th Hunger Games after Katniss Everdeen sacrifices herself to save his life. He soon finds himself in the middle of the rebellion as their beacon of hope, their Mockingjay. But as Peeta will soon discover, not all fallen tributes stay dead.
Disclaimer: These are all Suzanne Collin's toys. They're just in my playground.
A/N: I'm back! Thanks for your patience on this one. I hated editing this chapter purely based on the fact that I had edited 90% of it, made a few little tweaks to the dialogue that made it flow so much better! I was so happy with the progress I made on it, but my laptop crashed again forcing me to start over (think it's time to factory reset it) I need to work on frequently saving.
After that point I hated looking at it because I couldn't remember all the changes and it wasn't as good so it frustrated me to the point I found it to be quite a chore. I had to give myself a couple of days of distance from it so that I didn't end up producing rushed crap for you guys reading it.
Anyway, this chapter is Peeta's pov. If you haven't already, please review/follow/favourite but most importantly, enjoy! x
Somehow, I managed a solid 12 hours sleep. When I woke up I was gripped with panic. I was only supposed to take a quick nap. Spending so much time away from Katniss after witnessing her PTSD attack would surely lead her think that I was going to abandon her. I rushed to the men's bathroom and got showered and dressed as quickly as I possibly could before sprinting off to the elevators.
At this point I was planning to head straight for the hospital floor, but my stomach wasn't just growling at me, it was roaring. I was no stranger to starving, but after my time as a victor, I had become too used to eating frequent, regular meals. I knew I needed to be at my best and I had promised myself to start eating proper meals at regular times. How could I begin to help look after Katniss if I could barely look after myself?
I glanced at the clock, the food hall would be opening up for breakfast about now. I had been gone from the hospital this long already, I could spare a few more minutes to eat. Katniss would probably berate me for not eating first anyway so I pushed the button for that floor instead of the hospital. I thought that I'd be one of the first ones to arrive with it being so early, but the food hall was already packed. There was a queue, but thankfully it didn't take too long, when it was my turn, I plated myself up a full breakfast.
There was a lot of people smiling at me, they all knew who I was but I didn't know any of them. I didn't want to be pulled into conversations with others on this morning, I wanted to be as quick as I could, so I took a seat as far away as possible from other people and distractions that could keep me away from her even longer. After devouring my breakfast, I ate an additional two slices of toast and then grabbed an apple on my way out.
It was amazing how much better I felt afterwards. I felt like I could tackle anything. Finally I headed back for the hospital, when I got to her room I paused at the door and watched in amazement as she took small, wobbly steps around the room. She was holding both of her hands with Cato, who was guiding her along while walking backwards. She was doing so incredible well.
"You look much better," I said from my at the door admiring her determination and inwardly I breathed a sigh of relieve, she had more color in her cheeks today.
She looked up and smiled noticing me there, "As do you," she replied, "Looks like a good night's sleep did you the world of good,"
I nodded thankfully to Cato who must have told her what I'd been doing, "It helped, as did the full breakfast I just devoured." I agreed, "But the thing that will really make me feel better is seeing you improving and getting out of here," I walked into the room and perched on her bed, "It's so good to see you on your feet,"
"I wasn't sure if I was ready but Cato convinced me to give it a try,"
"Seeing as she's getting out tomorrow, I knew she'd prefer to do it walking if possible," Cato told me.
"Tomorrow? Isn't that too soon?" I instantly fell back into worry mode; was Coin and Plutarch pushing the doctors to rush her recovery just so that they could get what they needed out of her?
"Peeta, it was a small bullet wound that caused no real internal damage," I could hear annoyance creeping into her voice as she lied trying to placate me.
"No real damage?" I huffed, "Katniss, that small bullet stole a kidney from you and almost shattered your spine!"
"They told you about that, huh?" with help from Cato, she sat down on the bed beside.
Cato flashed me a quick look. I could tell he wasn't happy about it either, but he was warning me to tread carefully with this. "Yes they told me," I replied, "Your injury was serious, Katniss, you could have died. Don't take it so lightly,"
"Stop worrying so much," she said, "don't forget that they steal their medicines from the Capitol. I'm almost healed up."
"The medicines are good," I agreed, "but they can't perform miracles,"
"They've brought me back from the dead once before," she was acting too nonchalant about this. She still hated to look weak and I imagine being seen in the state she was in last night has put her guard up, but she didn't need to do that with me. Was it because I was coming off too strong? Was I being too overprotective? Too overbearing? I needed to relax and not be so pushy with her. I knew this already, but it was so hard to do knowing what she had been through and it was even harder worrying about her gunshot wound, but seeing the effects that the last year has had on her after witnessing the horrific flashback she experienced last night made it harder still. I still didn't know the full story, I felt in the dark about so much already that I didn't know how to help or even how to act around her sometimes.
"They just want me to focus on getting my strength back up and then I'll be starting my training with you guys," she continued
"Training?" what had she been told? why was she already talking about training? She needed to recover before we could even consider training.
"I filled her in on Coin's 'Mockingjay Squad' plan" he said rolling his eyes, clearly on the same page as me about Katniss's involvement, "and obviously, because Everdeen here is a bit of a moron sometimes, she wanted to get to work straight away and start training for war."
I was horrified at the idea, but simultaneously unsurprised, "Katniss, it doesn't matter whether they want us in the front lines or playing along in the background for the cameras, they want us in a warzone. You don't have to do any of that if you don't want to," I told her
"But I do want to, actually," she replied,
"You want to go to war?"
"Well not want to," she replied, "but how can I just sit idly by when I could be out there helping? Especially when I know you two are going out there. I thought you knew me better than that" she frowned
I knew that this would be something she would feel compelled to do, just as Gale said, but it seems like both Katniss and Gale couldn't see the bigger picture. Cato and I had our reservations about her going out there for obvious reasons, but as much as I wanted to protect her, Katniss doesn't like to be 'protected' she likes to be self reliant. I knew how important it was to let her be her own person and do this, no matter how much I hated the idea. She needed to know that I'd support her decision either way, and I would, as long as she understood the gravity of the decision she was making and how it could impact her.
"I know exactly who you are," I sat beside her, close enough to feel her breath on my face, but still not touching, "I know that you'd want nothing more than to help and I'm not here to stop you from doing what you need to do, I just want to make sure you don't do anything before your ready to. I want you to focus on healing mind, body and soul before committing to anything."
"I've already explained to her the problems that come with her choice to do this and how it could effect her," Cato explained, "physically speaking she's got so much work to do, and she hasn't even considering the impact that losing a kidney could have on her body, and mentally... well that's a whole other issue, but you know how stubborn she is," Katniss didn't look at him, but she was clearly irritated by what he said
"We're just worried about you," I spoke softly, hoping to soften the blow the effect of his words had on her
She rested her forehead to mine, her touch was driving me wild and I ached to be able to touch my hand to her cheek, tuck a rogue lock of hair behind her ear or thread my fingers through hers. "I know," she replied, "and I love you both for that, but I also believe that you both know I've got to do this,"
"I know you do," I sighed heavily, "just promise me you don't push yourself too hard,"
"You need to stop worrying so much. I don't need you to look after me. I'm a big girl remember, I've been looking after myself for a long time. The only difference now, I need is that I may need a little extra support from time to time,"
"I'm here for whatever you need, Katniss, you know that, but I'll regret it if I don't tell you how I feel about it. I'm not a fan of the idea of you going out into a warzone. Even without the trauma," I told her, "but that is only because I'd hate to see you get hurt. It's not that I don't believe in you, it's not that I think you couldn't do it. In fact I know you could and you'd probably do a much better job than I. It's just..."
"You're worried that something could trigger my anxieties out there and I could become a liability?" she finished my thoughts, though she put it more bluntly than I would have
"That's not exactly how I'd put it." I replied, "I wouldn't ever call you a liability, but you are at a greater risk of putting yourself in danger or getting hurt,"
"That's exactly what a liability is," Cato rolled his eyes, "I'm certainly not going to sugar coat it for you, Everdeen. Here's the situation; just like Peeta said, I think you would for sure, be an asset out there, there's no doubt about it. And also as Peeta said, you'll be at high risk of triggering one of your episodes. You know how bad it can be. It would not only put yourself in danger, but the rest of your squad too who will be trying to cover your ass."
"Let me at least start training," she replied sounding exasperated, it seemed like this was a conversation they already had and were rehashing, "we can see how things go. What if this helped me get better. If you keep treating me like I'm delicate how will I ever be able to move on and get past this?"
"We're not trying to treat you like you're delicate, but you need to face the facts and admit to yourself that you're currently not as strong as you were before," Cato replied, "physically and mentally,"
"You think I don't know that?" Katniss cried, "You think I don't know what my weaknesses are? I'm the one who has to live in this head and this body every day! I know I'm not as strong as I used to be. I know how badly I've been broken down, but I don't want to let that control my life!"
"GOOD!" Cato yelled back, "It shouldn't control your life and I would never want it to. I'm not trying to attack you or make you feel incapable or weak here. I just need you to realize that going into a warzone within the next few months isn't going to help at all with your recovery!"
"What about your recovery, huh Cato?" she snapped, "You're not exactly in the best head space either!"
"No, but I'm not the one who could end up having an episode in the middle of a warzone," he rubbed the bridge of his nose as if to try and ebb away an oncoming headache, and Katniss just looked pissed. After all his warnings to me about how to 'handle' Katniss while this all was still raw for them, he was now the one who was struggling to keep his cool with her and was being the overbearing one.
He took a moment to collect himself and then spoke more softly to her, "I have every faith that you will get past the worst of this in due time, Everdeen. It won't knock a girl like you down for long, but it still takes time. Of course the decision is yours to make and I won't stop you if this is really what you want to do, but you didn't even pause to think about it before I told you what Coin was planning."
"I don't need to think about it!" Katniss replied, "I know what I need to do,"
"The fact you're saying you don't need to think about it, is the very reason why you do need to think about it. This isn't the arena, Everdeen, this isn't the fallen mansion. This is War. It's a whole new playing field."
"I know the risks," Katniss insisted
"Do you?" he questioned, "I just want you to think about the reasons why you want to do this against all the reasons you shouldn't be doing it and weigh them up, that's all."
"This isn't like you, Cato," Katniss was just as confused as I was by his behavior, how was I being more rational about this that he was? "Normally, you'd be the one telling me to suck it up and get on with it," she said
"Because for the first time in my life, I'm actually scared for someone beside myself," he replied, "you're my best friend. The only real friend I've ever had. And the only person in this world who seems to gives a shit about me too. I'm terrified something bad will happen to you."
"You're my best friend too," Katniss replied, she had softened now also. Finally, Katniss and I now understood where all of this was coming from. Emotions and caring for other people was new and foreign feeling for Cato. The reason he was getting so intense was because the fear of something bad happening to the only friend he ever had, had truly rocked him.
"Argh, see! This is why I was taught emotions and friendships are for the weak," Cato seemed frustrated with himself, "all it does is fuck with your head."
Katniss shared a small smile with him, "Do you regret it?" she asked, "letting people in?"
"The good outweighs the bad, I guess," he replied with a slight shrug, Katniss shoved him playfully on the shoulder, I almost felt like I was intruding on a private moment.
"Cato, I'm just as scared for you and Peeta going out there, as you guys are for me. I don't want anything bad to happen to any of us. But each of us has a reason to want to do it, and lets face it, each of us will probably not be allowed to back out of it, if what you told me about Coin is right so far. At least we'd all be together and we'll have each others backs,"
"Having each others backs might not be enough. War is unpredictable and it's fucked up on a brand new scale like none of us have ever known. You have no idea how it can mess someone up, I watched the effects of the dark days chip away at my grandpa year after year and he was the toughest bastard I ever heard of if the stories about him were to be believed. He didn't even have pre-existing trauma. You do. I'm scared it will eat away at you like it did him. We've been through enough already, Katniss, if I could spare you anymore shit like that, I would do it gladly."
"Uh-oh you're using my first name, you must be serious," Katniss tried to lighten the mood, but Cato wasn't seeing the joke.
"Of course I'm serious," he replied and then sighed heavily "Fine. Let's just start the training and see where it takes us. Perhaps throwing yourself into training and giving yourself a goal is a good thing, it could help you start to feel like yourself again. And we can judge how ready you are for storming the Capitol closer to the time?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you" Katniss stuck her tongue out at Cato.
"I never said training wasn't a good idea." Cato replied, "I would have insisted upon it eventually. It just makes logical sense to be able to protect yourself." he held his hands out for her to help her back to her feet, "But we can't start training if you can't even walk unassisted." he said, "So let's get up and go again," he helped her back onto her feet and aided her walking around the room.
"Any news about the interviews?" I asked a short while later as they did their laps.
"They aired my interview a couple of hours ago" he said nodding at the TV screen playing quietly to itself in the corner, "but we haven't heard much about the effect they've had in the Districts."
"I'm sure we'll find out soon enough," I murmured
"All I know is that the Districts were apparently demanding to know who else was held captive in the fallen mansion, the ones who didn't make it out alive, so Plutarch aired a tribute to them. Not just for the ones Katniss and I knew, the ones who died during the escape, but there were several others listed that I never met. May must have given them names of others from the past, fallen tributes who were killed off once they became too old. It was handled surprisingly well, much better than what I thought they'd do anyway. I guess it gives the Districts some piece of mind, or a good excuse for their anger... whatever answer they were looking for out of it anyway."
"It's amazing that this Beetee is able to keep hacking in to the Capitol broadcast systems like this. Surely the Capitol would have figured it out and tried to put a stop to it and lock him out," Katniss murmured
"I imagine the Capitol have been trying very hard to stop the hacking and the broadcasts and I bet they would have thrown every block and firewall they know to try and stop it. Beetee is good, he gets around it every time." Cato cracked a smile
"Beetee is a genius, the reason he's able to do it is because he helped design all of the Capitol's security and broadcasting systems. He knows it better than anyone and built it specifically with a back door that he alone could hack into." I explained, "The only way they'd be able to kick him out permanently is by shutting it down and replacing it all with new software, which is something they typically rely on the brains of District Three for. I'm guessing that after all these interviews that have aired, the Capitol doesn't have anyone available to do that right now, or at least anyone who could do it fast enough."
We all glanced at the TV, currently Caesar and Claudius were grasping at straws trying to twist the interviews to make us all sound like liars and terrorists. You could tell that they were no longer believing the words coming out of their own mouths. It wasn't because they were sympathetic to us in anyway, those two were strongly allied to Snow, they just knew their lies were fruitless. After all the truths we had revealed over the last few days there was no reasonable way they could cover this up with more lies or even twist it to side with Snow.
"I think they're planning to air the propo of your reunion with Katniss and another one they recorded with her family next," Cato said and glanced at the clock, "I bet it'll be on soon,"
Katniss was concentrating hard on her steps, she was so determined and it was paying off in such as small amount of time. Already, her back was a little straighter, her speed a little quicker and she walked with more confidence, though the extra effort she was putting in seemed to spend her energy faster and she became tired much quicker than before.
I wondered if she was pushing herself too hard, but I didn't dare voice my concerns, especially after witnessing her little spat with Cato when he expressed his concerns. At least he had gotten our shared point across and made our feelings clear, but, as always, Katniss will do what Katniss will do. I have always respected that about her in the past and I couldn't let my concerns about her well-being change that now, I need to let her be and support her as best as I can if and when she wants me to.
I watched on as Katniss and Cato would do a few laps and then sit down to take a breather. The green eyed monster that lurked within, secretly wished we were able to help Katniss get around and I had to remind him to be patient. After a while of repeating this, I could see that she was burning herself out. I didn't need to point this out to Cato, he saw it too and knew when to stop. "That's enough for today," he said and helped her back into bed.
"I've got a few more rounds in me," Katniss insisted
"Probably," Cato lied effortlessly, "but you've made great progress already. If you push yourself too hard, you could strain yourself which'll undo all the hard work you've made today," Katniss looked as if she was going to protest, but once she was back in the bed properly, her face clouded over in relief. "Besides it'll be lunchtime soon," he continued
We made small talk for a while, keeping the conversation light as possible. I was desperate to ask her for the answers to all my questions, but it didn't feel like it was the right time. We had lunch and then Willa came in at one point to check Katniss over, she seemed pleased with her stats but also gave her a lecture about over doing it when Cato asked how much was too much for Katniss to practice walking.
It wasn't long before the TV started crackling, all three of us turned to the TV simultaneously, "This is what happened before when Beetee was cutting into the feed with our footage," Cato told me. Within a few seconds Katniss and I were on the TV as we were a day or so ago in this very room, seeing each other again for the first time. They had cut out Cato's appearance and just showed me at Katniss's bedside, we were both smiling and teary eyed. For the first time I could see truly the love in Katniss's eyes, and as always, my love for her was obvious to the world. We glanced at each other in present day and shared a small smile before turning back to the screen to see how they have spun our reunion.
They edited out the part where Katniss moved her hand away from me and the moment when I kicked them out of the room. It cleverly cut to later that evening, where Katniss's face lit up at the sight of seeing Prim again. Then the five of us, Prim, Gale, Mrs Everdeen, Katniss and I were sat around her bed smiling and talking with each other.
Fortunately for us, they didn't air the sound from this footage so you were unable to hear what we were saying at the time, they kept that private on this occasion, which I was thankful for. Instead they played inspiring music and cut in footage of us both during our time in the arena and from my interviews and speeches.
They showed the moment in the arena when it became obvious to the viewers (though to not Katniss at the time) that I had been playing Cato and the Careers to protect Katniss as opposed to betraying her. They showed the moment she cut down the tracker jacker nest and when I told her to run for her life after she was stung. They showed Katniss's touching tribute to Rue as she laid her to rest among the flowers and when she turned to the cameras giving our Districts mark of respect. Then came small snippets of us from inside the cave. After that, it cut to the clip where I was giving Caesar my first interview after the games, "I don't think I could give my heart away to another. That will always belong to Katniss"
My eyes flickered to Katniss, I wondered if she had seen any of this before. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, even though her eyes were fixed to the screen, it was apparent she had seen this clip before.
The next clip came from my homecoming speech, "As you all know I'm only standing before you today for one reason and one reason only. Her name was Katniss Everdeen"
This scene I could tell she hadn't seen before, "I never did get to see your speeches," she murmured sadly
The last clip they showed was from my last interview with Caesar when I said, "I just hope, that wherever she is now she knows that I will always love her and if there was any way to bring her back I would do it" I was looking right into the camera, talking directly to Katniss hoping she knew that we were looking for her and we were ready to help her.
When the footage ended the screen turned to black and Finnick appeared on screen. "We are delighted to show the world that Katniss Everdeen is alive and reunited with Peeta Mellark. As you can see her freedom came at a cost as she was gravely injured during her escape from the Capitol and almost didn't survive as she put her life on the line making sure the others got out safely."
"I wouldn't exactly put it that way," she muttered,
"Don't blame yourself for what happened back there," Cato gave her hand a gentle squeeze. I desperately wanted to know what happened back there.
"If it wasn't for the efforts of Katniss or Cato that day, there wouldn't have been as many survivors that day as there were, they are heroes" Finnick continued
Katniss snorted
"Rest assured we are taking good care of her and are getting her back to full health and we promise that you'll hear from her soon enough. Katniss and Peeta are our symbol of hope. Our Mockingjays. Now that they are back together, they want to help free the rest of this nation from oppression. Once she is the real work begins. Johanna Mason, Gale Hawthorn, Cato Hadley, Katniss Everdeen, Peeta Mellark and I have formed a special team, The Mockingjay Six, and we will strive to bring you the Panem you deserve with no more Hunger Games, or slavery. We want the Capitol and all of the Districts to live in peace and we want everyone to be able to live happy and prosperous lives. We urge you all now to join with us and fight for a better future. See you all soon, Panem,"
The broadcast ended and Caesar was back on screen looking stunned.
"The Mockingjay Six," Katniss muttered like it was a sour taste on her tongue.
Nurse Willa entered then and laid out a set of overalls on the bed, "Hello everyone," she smiled, "Katniss, I've come to discharge you."
"Yes, thank you. Get me out of here," she stood up again, this time managing it alone, although a little wobbly.
"What? I thought she was getting out tomorrow?" I cried
Nurse Willa turned to me, "It's not my decision," she replied, "In fact it goes against my recommendations. If it were up to me, she'd be here for another week at least,"
This angered me, they were putting their cause before her well-being.
Nurse Willa stepped out the room and returned momentarily with a wheelchair, "It's nice to see you standing, Katniss, but like I told you earlier I don't want you to over do it. Please use this for getting around and try standing or walking occasionally. I'd also like you to pop up to see me every day for the next week at least just so I can keep an eye on your progress and make sure everything is okay, but you can also come and see me anytime if you're concerned about anything, okay?"
"I promise," she smiled
"Let me assist you changing into those" she gestured to the overalls she brought in, "boys, if you could just give us a moment," we stepped aside while Willa pulled a curtain around Katniss's bed.
"Now the real work begins," Cato said echoing Finnick's earlier words from the propo.
When Katniss was dressed, I maneuvered the wheelchair next to her so she could get in it, she looked it up and down with disgust. She was going to refuse it, "It's just for now Katniss," I encouraged her before she could say anything, luckily she didn't put up a fight, she sighed and climbed into it independently.
"Remember if you need anything, you can find me here or in my quarters any time," Willa said to her, "if it's pain relief you need or a concern and I want you to come in every morning after breakfast until further notice, is that understood?"
"Yes, Willa. Thank you," Katniss smiled at her, she didn't normally like to be so fussed over, but I guess the two of them had somewhat bonded in here. I then wheeled Katniss to her room with Cato walking beside us. Fortunately for me, she was assigned to stay with her mom and Prim who resided in the quarters next to mine.
As we entered the elevator, I stood beside her chair rather than behind and I flinched quickly as I felt something brush my hand. I looked down to see Katniss's fingers lightly tracing mine "Don't react" she murmured, "I just want to try something,"
She delicately slipped her hand into mine. I made no movement; I practically held my breath, Katniss seemed to be holding hers too. I didn't clasp my fingers over hers I let her adjust and see whether she felt comfortable there.
Cato stood on her other side and pretended not to see what was going on, but I could tell he was aware, ready to step in if this experiment of hers didn't work out as she wanted it to.
I focused on feeling her hand in mine and it was amazing. I was happy that she could touch me at least. She used her other hand to clasp my fingers over hers. She had all the control over these movements and that's what she needed. She needed to know that she had the control, that she wasn't being forced. I kept my fingers still in the exact position she put them in, but also ready to release at a moments notice, hoping that it will allow her body to trust in mine.
I heard her breathe a little sigh of contentment and I nearly came undone. She really did want this. It was all still hard to believe - that she was here, the she was alive and that, for some reason, she loved me. When the elevator doors opened, she released her hold and I missed the contact immediately. Cato pushed the wheelchair this time and I walked at her side the rest of the way to her room.
As we approached Prim and her mom was just coming out of their room, "Katniss!" Prim cried happily she ran over and put her arms around her with no hesitation, pulling her into a tight embrace. I knew that being touched by Prim would never cause her any anxiety. She was the person she loved most in this whole world.
"What are you doing out of the hospital so soon," she pulled back looking puzzled.
"That's exactly what I wanted to know," Mrs Everdeen asked, she looked at Katniss evenly, probably suspecting that her headstrong daughter discharged herself
"Coin's orders," I explained on Katniss's behalf
"Where are you going?" Katniss asked them
"To the hospital," Mrs Everdeen replied, "We're about to start our shifts." then she turned to her youngest, "Prim have you told Katniss your news?" she asked
"What news?" Katniss asked, Prim's infectious smile was starting to rub off on her
"I'm not just helping out in there now, they've accepted my request to enroll in the doctor training program,"
Katniss beamed with pride, "That's amazing, Prim. You'll be an incredible doctor,"
"Thanks, I'm really excited about it," she replied, but then gave her sister another concerned look, "Katniss, if you need anything, please just send for us. I'm uncomfortable with the idea you're out of there so soon,"
"Me too," I replied, "As was Willa. She's ensuring that Katniss will still be receiving the appropriate care she needs. Cato and I are here to help her out while you guys aren't around."
Prim doubled checked with Katniss that she was okay before leaving.
"I'll be fine, don't worry so much little duck," she smiled at her, "Go and be the best Doctor there is,"
Once Prim and their mom left, Cato asked if he was needed to help Katniss get about out of the chair. After a shake of her head, Cato said he was going to get a head start in the training rooms and to call for him if we needed him, but I got the feeling he was trying to give us some time alone to adjust and get Katniss acquainted with her new sleep quarters. Katnissed wheeled herself inside and Cato turned to me, "I saw her little experiment with you in the elevator, so I imagine she'll allow you to assist her," he said, "but just in case, I'll hang around out here for a little while longer to make sure. It's probably best for her ego not to know about it though,"
I thanked him and headed inside the room, Katniss was looking around the small space with the 4 cot beds; 2 bunks on either side of the room, a small table with 4 chairs around it, a small sink with a few glasses next to it and some toothbrushes and a clock on the wall next to a small screen and speaker, "these rooms aren't much but I doubt we'd be spending much time in them," I commented, "would you like my help moving into a chair?" I asked
"I've got it," she replied and put her breaks on and got up slowly and shuffled to a chair. She managed to sit herself down in it without any help and there was no real sign of struggle either, but she didn't move with the same grace I was used to seeing from her. That would come back to her soon enough. I took the seat next to hers and scooted it over a little closer.
Now we were truly alone for the first time ever. No one was going to barge in unexpected, no one was watching or listening. It was just me and her. I suddenly felt nervous and I didn't know what to say to her. She looked as if she felt just as awkward.
"Was that okay?" I asked her, breaking the silence, "the hand holding, I mean?" I prayed that she could accept my touch. Feeling her hand in mine was brief but glorious, I wanted to do it again.
"I guess because I initiated it, it was okay for me." she answered, "I felt no panic, it was nice." she gave a shy smile, "Sorry I took my hand away too soon I just didn't want to push my luck,"
"Can we try again some day soon?" I asked her,
"There's no time like the present," she said, "This time though, you initiate,"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm giving you permission, aren't I?" that fire of hers was coming back, I laughed, overjoyed to see it, and nodded.
"Okay," I warned her, "here goes," gently I took her hand in mine and held it, studying her face the entire time. She seemed calm, she started smiling even. I held her hand loosely so she could free herself quickly if she needed to, after a few minutes of this I wanted to try something else, "I'm going to move my thumb in gentle circles on the back of your hand, would that be okay?" I asked, Nervously she nodded and I lightly caressed the back of her hand with my thumb as I described, she held her breath for a moment, but she remained calm. "How is that?" I asked her
"It's good," she nodded, "this is good. It feels really nice,"
"I can't believe this is real," I said softly, her eyes studied mine searching for the meaning of my question, "that you're here." I clarified, "That you're alive and that you actually want to be with me, if anything after all that you and Cato went through I thought that..." I trailed off when I saw her frowning, "I know I'm sorry. I'm beginning to sound like, what's that old phrase again? A broken record?" I smiled at her but she didn't return it, "what's wrong?" I asked
"I told you already... Cato and I are just friends, Peeta," she said,
"I know but its been a year since you last saw me, I wasn't sure if I even crossed your mind once I found out you were alive,"
"You really have no idea the kind of impact you make on a person do you?" she said. What did she mean by that? I wondered, to answer my puzzled look she replied, "It takes more than a traumatic incident to bring two people together," she explained, "you've got to fall in love with the person, not the trauma. The day you threw me that bread..." she took a deep breath, "I did everything in my power to block you out of my mind. I never wanted to be in a position where I had to be saved by a complete stranger again and I was embarrassed that my life and the lives of my family were saved by a simple merchant boy. I convinced myself I was ignoring you, but of course, I took notice of you since that day. At school, in the town, at the bakery. Without really noticing I was doing it, and personally denying any connection I felt towards you. I had been getting to know you from a distance," she said.
Just as I had gotten to know who she was from a distance for so many years, though I couldn't block her out no matter how hard I tried.
"When we were thrown together for the games, yet again I found my life was in your hands. That made me uncomfortable, you made me uncomfortable and I wasn't sure why until much later. I knew who you were deep down but I convinced myself that you had some kind of motivation against me so that I could keep you at arms length. At the time, all I knew was that I had to get back to my sister, no matter what, because she needed me. But for that to happen, I knew you had to die but I already felt like I owed you my life,"
"So you saved me on the cornucopia because you felt you owed me?" I asked
"No," she answered immediately, "This world is dark and messy and so are the people, there is no one else in it quite like you. No one else is as warm, kind and thoughtful or as so damn self sacrificing as you. I knew that's who you were before we were even reaped and I think I had been falling for you for a long time without me realizing it. When I saw that you were about to die, I could let it happen, you couldn't die. Instinct took over."
Instinct took over for me then too, I put my free hand to her cheek to comfort her, but it had the opposite effect. She froze instantly and looked uncomfortable. I noticed her breathing pattern quickened. I removed my hand away instantly and even removed my other hand from hers to give her some distance from me. "I'm so sorry..." I apologized, "I don't know what came over me, that was so stupid and selfish,"
"It's okay," she mumbled,
"No it's not. I know better than that." I told her, "It's just hearing you say that you realized you had been having these feelings for me even before the Games... it overwhelmed me."
"I'm sorry I keep doing this to you, you deserve better than this, than me,"
"You never have to apologize to me for this." I told her firmly, "What you went through was not okay. How you're feeling now and how you're coping because of what you went through, is completely and understandably okay. And for me to push my luck with you like that was not okay. Don't feel bad for that, that was on me,"
She nodded, "I think if I know you're going to do it, I'm okay with it," she said finally.
"Okay," I smiled, "let's take it one step at a time,"
I whispered her mantra to her, it helped her regain her breathing properly. She smiled.
"Would you tried once more?" she asked me,
"Now? Are you sure?" she nodded slowly and she became still in anticipation. Even though she had asked me, I was going to make sure I had her full permission this time, "Katniss, can I touch your face with my hand?"
"Yes," she breathed
Slowly and very gently I brushed her hair behind her ear and then cupped her cheek, tilting her head so that her eyes met mine and I smiled, "I love you, Katniss Everdeen," I whispered
"I love you too," she said, in the corner of her eye I saw the glisten of a tear
"I really wish I could kiss you," man brain took over yet again and I mentally slapped myself for even saying that to her. I regretted the words the moment they left my lips. I didn't want to add more pressure to this for her. I removed my hand from her face, ashamed of myself.
"I want you to kiss me," she said timidly, "but I'm so scared,"
"I know. I'm an idiot for even saying that,"
She laced her fingers back through mine and she begun to cry silently.
"Hey," I said softly, resisting the urge to touch her and wipe away the tears, "Please don't be upset, Katniss," I told her, "No matter what I'll be here for you, I'll help you get through it however I can. I'm not going anywhere,"
"I don't deserve you," she sobbed, "I'm tainted. I'm not the person I used to be. I'm not the same Katniss who you fell in love with. Soon you'll see that, and you'll leave me,"
"No," I assured her, "I won't,"
"You will," sobs racked through her whole body, "You couldn't love something like me,"
I hated how she was talking about herself, "Listen to me Katniss," I looked deeply into her eyes, "anything you tell me about what you went through, will never, never change the way I see you. It is not your fault for what happened to you, you experienced something traumatic and horrible. When you're ready to tell me, I'm ready to listen and learn and support you in any way I can if you want me to,"
"I want you too," she whispered and tried calming herself down, "I'm so sick of feeling like this," she said, "I hate myself, I never hated myself before." she took my hand and we sat by side on one of the cots facing inwards with our knees just touching. She took a deep breath.
"Cato's right," she said, "he said that he spoke to you and that I need to tell you everything. I was going to wait a few more days and probably wait until Cato was here with me in case it triggers me, but it's probably best to do it now, while we're alone,"
I swallowed hard, I hadn't prepared myself to hear this fully, but for her I was ready to listen. Just as I had promised.
"How much do you already know?" she asked
"Not much, only that you had one client during your time there and that he was one of the worst human beings imaginable," the word client was hard to say, "he said he was abusive and liked to mess with your head,"
Katniss nodded, "Yeah," she said slowly, "Peeta, promise me you won't hate me when I tell you any of this,"
I gave her an incredulous look, "Katniss, I told you already, I could never hate you,"
"You also have to promise me that you won't hate Cato either,"
"What did Cato do?" I asked suddenly suspicious
"Promise me!"
"Okay, fine. I promise,"
Katniss began her story from the beginning, the months she spent in that hospital wing. How when she woke up and was met by Seneca Crane who told her why she was alive and what her future held for her. She told me about the way she was treated by the doctors and guards. About her waning sanity and multiple suicide attempts, which stunned me. She told me that it was while she was in there she began to realize that I was on her mind a lot.
She told me what happened when Snow himself personally gave her a tour of the building and delivered her to the others. She told me about her first reunion with Cato and how she learned how much time had actually passed in there. She was held back so long not just because of her healing but due to her unstable condition at the time. Her mind was already vulnerable by this point, so it was no wonder to me that what she went through next pushed her over the edge.
She then told me about Fisk, the client. How he would often dress up as me and mess with her head. The name was familiar to me but I couldn't place it, but at least I now understood what the term fake-Peeta meant and why I was so ineffective in helping her out of that flashback. I was amazed that she even wanted to see me again after what he did. It would have been far easier for her to keep her distance from me. When I suggested that to her, Katniss quickly became defensive and reminded me that she had already fallen for me before all that and she would be damned if he stole anymore joy from her life than he already had.
She continued telling me about this monster of a person, how when he wasn't pretending to be me with her, he was always grabbing at her, hitting her, throwing her around the room, forcing himself on her and inventing new and crueler ways to hurt her in any way that he could.
She told me about the doctors check-ups after each time, how she was treated with no dignity and that he was always rough with her and would always trigger a panic attack or flashback. She said that Cato was with her in the medical bay after her first time and helped her through it, that's when they started getting close. There was something more about this story she hadn't yet told me, and it involved Cato. The reason why she was insistent for me to promise not to hate him.
It was then I realized why that name was so damn familiar. "Fisk," I said out loud, "Cato mentioned the name of one of his clients, a Petunia Fisk, Finnick said she wasn't pleasant. Were those two related?"
"They were husband and wife." Katniss answered, but she shifted uncomfortably, "Before I tell you anything more, please remember that none of this was ever Cato's fault either. Remember the trackers and the torture they would have inflicted if he didn't do as he was asked,"
My head quickly did the math. Cato and Katniss together in the medical bay at the same time. The husband and wife client. Katniss associating Cato with her flashback memory "She's bringing you in again, Cato, I see you.", Katniss asking me not to blame Cato. Oh God, no.
I couldn't speak, I was so disturbed by where my train of thought went, I let her continue, hoping she'd tell me a different tale. "It's safe to say that Mr and Mrs Fisk are super fans of the Hunger Games and are completely delusional," she began, "Fisk, himself was obviously a massive fan of us as the star-crossed lovers. His wife however, not so much. She believed that there was a sexual chemistry between me and Cato because of how strongly he wanted me dead." she explained,
I felt her squeeze my hand tighter as if she feared I might pull away. But there was no chance of that. I wasn't angry with her or Cato. I was angry and hurting for her, for them. For what they've been through. It was worse than I feared but her story wasn't over yet. She continued to tell me about how they would often come together after their trysts and then make Katniss and Cato do things together for their amusement. How they watched them and used it to spur themselves on sexually with each other or would just make it a foursome.
I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to break something. I wanted to scream. A small shameful part of me wanted to punch Cato for letting it happen even though logically I knew he had as little choice in it as Katniss did.
Katniss could feel my tension. "Please say something," she said. Again, I was letting her down and had fallen silent after she bared her vulnerability to me.
"I love you," I whispered, trying to remain as calm as I could. "I still love you, I told you nothing could change that. Not even any of that. Hearing what you went through is just a testament to how strong and courageous you are"
"Peeta, I'm not courageous. It's a testament to how weak I am," she muttered, "I tried to kill myself, I never fought back like the others did. They warned me about how bad the torture was, so all it took was for one little shock and I keeled over. I don't sleep, I have nightmares. I suffer from all these panic attacks and episodes. That's not strength. This man and his wife repeatedly... forced themselves on me and forced Cato to do it too and neither of us could fight back,"
"You are not weak," I was crying now; her pain was my pain. "You have endured and you are still standing." I told her, "Can I hold you now?" I asked
"Yes" she replied instantly, and I wrapped my arms around her. I buried my face into her neck. "I'm so sorry," she whispered,
"Do not be sorry," I pulled back just enough to look her in the eyes as I said it, "You have nothing to be sorry for. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You have not let me down. I told you repeatedly that I am here for you, when will you believe me?"
She studied me for a moment, and then she did something that took us both by surprise. She kissed me. It was desperate and reserved all at once. I was so afraid to get too into it, in case I got carried away with her and scared her off, so I let her take the lead. I allowed her to pull my arms around her waist, my hand rested lightly on the small of her back. Her lips were full and soft and little wet and salty from her tears. But our mouths moved together slowly in a delicate but beautiful dance.
This is our first real kiss.
I was trembling and so was she. She was being so brave. I knew I should stop, let her acclimate as she was still trying to adjust to my touch. Surely, this was too fast for her, she was trying to do too much too soon, it was sure to backfire. But she was my siren, and I couldn't pull myself away even if I wanted to. She didn't seem to want to either, she initiated this, this was all her decision.
Although I had mentioned wanting to kiss her earlier, perhaps I had unconsciously pressured her into doing this before she was ready? I never wanted the moment to end. What a selfish creature I was.
Just as I had made the decision to stop overthinking it so much and enjoy it for just a few seconds more before I would pull away, a voice broke us apart prematurely, "What the fuck is this?"