As the Sky May Fall

by EirlysLavellan

[XPosted on AO3] Alice was always sure of the way her life would turn out; though her entire perspective shifts upon being forcibly added to the Avengers. She never thought she could be strong especially when faced with a love she thought had died in 1945. She'll do anything to keep him safe even if that means turning against the new family she's built. [Slowburn Romance][RatedT/M]

31. The Hardest Part

As the Sky May Fall EirlysLavellan

The Avengers Marvel Comics

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Summary: Alice was always so sure of the way her life was going to go, however, her entire perspective is changed upon being forcibly added to the Avengers. After the Invasion of New York things quickly change and she realizes that everything she thought she was, is nothing close to what she ever imagined especially when she realizes that the man she had thought was dead turns out to be forcibly working for HYDRA as their Winter Soldier. She swears she will do anything to keep him safe even if that means going against the new family she has built.

Disclaimer: I am a poor college grad and am receiving no payment whatsoever to write this fiction. If I was, in fact, getting paid for this, I would not be a poor college graduate that I can assure you. All rights are reserved to Marvel, D.C. Comics, and Walt Disney Pictures and Columbia Studios as well as the amazing screenwriters, directors and producers, and actors who created this film. I only own the subplot as well as Alice Alexander and any other unrecognizable character throughout the plot.

Warning: Spoilers, character death, violence, suggestive themes (such as sexual assault/self-harm/depression) and vulgarity.

P.S. I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes you may see throughout this story. I tried to catch what I could, but I'm only human and I'm positive I missed things, haha. Thanks again for sticking with me everyone!

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~Also a very special Happy and belated birthday to my dear friend a fellow authoress SIMMERANDCRY! Love you 3000 xoxo!~

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As the Sky May Fall
Deadpool
31

~4 Months Later~

"Get up."

A groan was the woman's only answer as the other lay sprawled on the floor of the ring they were currently using to train in. The redheaded mutant rolled her neck in an effort to loosen the muscles that had tightened during their spar, her blue skin seeming to glitter beneath the fluorescent lights of the room. She rolled her eyes as she gazed at her unwilling sparring partner and crouched next to her heaving form.

"I'm not gonna baby you. Now, get up."

"I'd love to see you go toe-to-toe with the Black Widow…she's a much crueler teacher."

Mystique huffed as her golden eyes narrowed. "I don't believe I asked. Get up or I'm gonna make you get up."

"Hank! Mystique's being mean to me!"

The larger, blue skinned and furred mutant looked over from where he was seated in front of a computer that was currently mapping out Mystique's unwilling student as they worked on her mutation. He met eyes briefly with the other mutant and sighed as he adjusted his glasses, "I can't help you this time, Eliza…that's on you."

"Eliza," Alice grumbled as she stared up at the ceiling above her as she attempted to regain the energy to stand. "I hate that name."

"Seems to suit you," Mystique drawled sardonically.

The brunette mutant made a face as she mocked the younger mutant's words before sighing and redirecting her attention back to the beastly mutant, "Anything on those scans, Hank?"

"Well…good news is you're healing faster and faster each time. Though, it's been slowing down with the more energy you're burning which means that it's definitely tied to your metabolism."

Alice sat up on her elbows as she glanced over at him more fully, "So, what my metabolism is burning faster than I'm healing?"

"Yes and no. What my readings are picking up is that your metabolism already burns higher than the average person. A woman's BMR is 1,550 kCals a day and a man's is anywhere between 1,600 and 1,800 kCals a day on average."

"Right…"

"Of course you know that being so familiar with the medical field," Hank shrugged as he stepped up to the ring closest to where Alice still lay and handing her the iPad he had been using throughout her and Mystique's spar. "The average athlete…let's say in the category of competitive cyclist for this example. They train so hard for long endurance rides that they tend to burn anywhere between 4,000 kCal and 6,000 kCal depending on dietary and supplemental intake. Of all mammals the hummingbird has the fastest metabolism in the world, aside from super soldiers who burn at 25,000 kCal based on your calculations…take a wild guess where yours is."

Alice had taken the iPad offered by Hank and glanced at the numbers that they had been steadily calculating over the last few weeks as they worked to try and maximize her mutation. Taking scans of Logan and his metabolism had actually been extremely helpful as his regenerative abilities seemed to be a combination of metabolic rate and the composition of his skin – the gruff mutant admitting that as a much younger man and before Stryker that he had to consume a nearly unholy amount of food in order to sustain his regenerative ability; his skin composition changing with the fusion of adamantium in his bones making him nigh impenetrable to most weapons. This had helped Hank and Alice to create scans to test her metabolic rate and how it influenced her mutation of which Mystique had blithely volunteered to train (read: beat) her.

As the weeks had gone on they had learned that the more energy that she released the faster she would heal and almost to a rate that she could sustain no injury (that had been found out on a morning where Alice had eaten nearly half her weight in food as she had felt she was starving), the revelation shocking her and the mutants that had been assisting with her development and she and Hank had been theorizing if she could willingly hurt herself in an effort to escape certain situations by manipulating her very structure – the two not bothering to test that theory as they were still working on other things including her ability to heal others that Charles insisted she could do.

"This can't be right…"

"Your metabolic rate is currently at level with and can probably exceed that of a hummingbird…"

Alice frowned as she sat up fully, leaning her elbows on her knees as she adjusted herself and reading through the findings of the current scan. A hummingbird's metabolism burned as high as nearly 12,000 kCal per day which meant that if her metabolism was burning at the same rate that she would have to figure out how to maintain the proper caloric intake to sustain her mutations ability to heal and that was without calculating out what she would need to consume just to heal someone else.

Over time spent with Charles and manipulating the cellular makeup of plants and rejuvenating them and bringing them back to full health and former glory, she had realized that she didn't feel extremely fatigued afterwards which meant that she wasn't burning energy faster than she could replenish it. What it did mean was that if she was going to be in a fight she needed to figure out the best way to maximize the energy she did have to be able to split and do both if necessary: heal and fight; however, that also meant that she had to try and conserve enough energy for when someone went down in the field and needed immediate medical attention. Charles had been extremely vague in answering her questions about the human body, insisting she master plants and their cellular makeup before delving into the human body.

She had spent many nights pouring over every book he had available in his library about anatomy and physiology and trying to apply it to herself when she needed to heal only to come up at a dead end each time. She was steadily growing more and more frustrated with her lack of knowledge of her own mutation.

Dragging a hand through her loosened hair, Alice sighed and glanced back to Hank who offered her a weak smile of comfort as he shrugged. "So, if my calculations are correct, I'd have to consume nearly 155,000 calories a day just to maintain a healthy and realistic metabolic rate just to be able to maximize what I've already got."

"I'd say you're correct. If a normal human consumes nearly 3,500 calories per day, at the rate your metabolism burns you're going to have to figure out where your sweet spot is otherwise…"

"Otherwise I'd be left hanging with no way to actually help aside from shooting or traditional means."

"Right."

"Well, now that we got that cleared up…let's go." Mystique commented from the other side of the ring, her arms crossed over her chest from where she had been watching the exchange. "The more time you waste the harder it's gonna be."

"Why are you like this?" Alice grumbled as she handed the iPad back to Hank and stood, rolling out her shoulder from where it had tightened up when Mystique had thrown her. The redhead only rolled her eyes, watching as the brunette adjusted the sensors stuck to her skin once more.

"You asked for my help, remember?"

"Yeah, I know, I know."

As the two settled back into their respective fighting stances, Hank shook his head and stepped back to his original place just as Logan entered the room to watch the goings on, Storm following in at an ambling pace just as Alice and Mystique leapt at each other.

"Anything new?"

Hank looked up at Logan and shrugged his shoulders, ignoring the grunts and yells of the sparring women and the smack of skin against skin as blows connected, "Other than the fact that your ex has a scary high metabolism and her healing ability far exceeds even yours…no, nothing new."

"What do you mean?"

"Eliza –"

"She prefers Alice," Storm interrupted, wincing as said mutant's body was slammed into the mat.

" – has a larger than normal parietal lobe which probably means that that is where her mutation is focused from. She's aware of this as well, but our concern right now is specifically centered in her metabolism since it seems to be what controls how much or little she's able to heal."

Alice's body smacking into the mat behind them drew their attention, the mutant holding herself up barely by the cables that surrounded the ring. The mutant glared up at Mystique who merely quirked a brow down at her as if to see if she was going to continue. Pushing herself up, the former nurse wiped the dribble of blood from her nose and making her way back towards where the blue skinned woman waited for her. Logan couldn't help the smirk that twitched at his lips as he glanced back towards Hank only for it to fall as he took in the man's serious expression, his eyes facing the iPad in his large hands.

"What is it?"

"She's using the energy within her very muscles and converting those energies back and forth…it's unlike anything I've ever seen before."

"She can do that?"

Hank shrugged, "I don't even think she realizes she's doing it. It's clear that she's been compensating for her own mutation before now…before we realized that it's mostly powered by her own metabolism. She was taking energy from different parts of her body in order to heal or to make herself more powerful…the density of her bones lending assistance to that, but…"

"But…?"

"I can see why she'd be such an anomaly to certain people…in order for them to have found her the way they did…someone was behind that and knew what she's never known."

Logan's eyes narrowed, "What do you mean?"

"In other words, someone knew this about her and sold her out." Hank informed him seriously before shaking his head, "In regards to her mutation, think of it like a vacuum," The blue-furred mutant sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "A vacuum sucks in things that are around it. It's an age old argument about the process of energy and chakras and other such nonsense, but consider this: Alice…channels and controls her mutation more like a battery. She takes in external energy and stores it, and then subconsciously she channels it to where she needs it most at that time. In order for her to do this, she needs to not only understand the human body beyond just understanding anatomy and physiology, but she needs to have complete mastery of the human body. The Professor has said she can manipulate down to a cellular level…but what if she can go beyond that and into something unseen?"

A frown came to Storm's face as she considered Hank's theory, "Are you suggesting it's similar to how I control storms?"

"Not dissimilar at the very least. What if she could control a person's very life force?!"

Alice's body smacking the mat simultaneously with Mystique's drew the three mutant's attentions as they turned back to see that both women were sprawled out on opposite sides of the ring. Mystique sat up, a look of astonishment hidden beneath her narrowed eyes and scowling lips just as Alice waved a hand flippantly as if dismissing the fact that she had used the woman's weight against her.

"Where did that come from?"

"I train with a super soldier, two spies and a man who thinks free falling out of the sky with two metal wings in a backpack is an adrenaline rush…all of which are Avengers, mind you," She breathed, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she attempted to regulate her breathing. "You really think I don't have a flare for the dramatic because of my company? You pinwheel yourself into that throw each and every time you're trying to go in for the takedown…I just changed your center of gravity and here we are."

Mystique huffed, wiping the side of her face just as her scowl turned into a small smirk, "It won't be that easy during a real fight…"

"That throw isn't worth doing in a real fight…I swear you and Natasha should be friends…you're both over dramatic show offs."

"I don't know who that is."

"Yes you do and don't pretend you don't."

The redhead only offered a halfhearted shrug before pushing herself to her feet once more, standing and stepping towards the age-old mutant and offering her hand out. "Well, you keep being practical then and you'll be fine."

Alice looked at the offered hand skeptically for a moment before taking it and allowing the other mutant to haul her to her feet. For a moment she suspected Mystique to throw her once more, but when she remained on her feet, she counted it as a small victory and nodded to the redhead. The two women meandered their way back to where the other X-Men stood, Alice wiping her brow on the sleeve of her long sleeved sports shirt.

"So, what'd we get?"

Hank glanced at the gathered group for a moment before silently passing the iPad over to the brunette. Alice stared at the readings for a moment before shaking her head briefly as if not believing what she was seeing and readjusting something on the screen. It took her a few minutes before she quickly came to the same conclusion that Hank had.

"Am…am I just a battery…I – I mean, I'm not mad about it, but…"

"It seems to be that way…you can only process your own energy from within yourself…you don't necessarily gain energy externally from your environment, but from whatever you put in your own body."

Alice frowned softly as she considered the man's words before nodding slowly, "Yeah…Thanks for this Hank, I really appreciate it."

"Of course," He smiled at her before motioning for Mystique and Storm to follow him. "Anyway, we've got a class to teach soon. Logan?"

Storm shot the man a knowing look and offered him a gentle nod when he met her eyes with a questioning gaze. They had spoken briefly about catching up with Alice and Storm had admitted that their history would always make her nervous, but she trusted them and more importantly him to not betray her trust. With her blessing the man glanced back over at the older mutant to see that she was barely paying attention, her eyes flickering across the screen as she continued to read the findings on the iPad.

"I'm gonna finish up here…" As the other mutants left, Logan turned his eyes back to Alice just as she placed the iPad back on the charger port. "So, what're your plans for the rest of the day?"

"I have a few more things to do around here and then I'm gonna head back home. I've been thinking about relocating again…definitely out of the city, but…I don't know. I'm just restless."

"You just don't wanna face your problems because you're as on edge as you've always been and that rubs people the wrong way." When Alice cut a narrow-eyed glare at him, he raised his hands in surrender, "It's the truth and we both know it."

Grabbing her bag from the side of the room the woman only offered him a lift to her brow and a matching sardonic smile twitching at her lips, "I'm sorry and when exactly did you deem yourself my therapist?"

"Your friend is a therapist…or was…and you certainly don't listen to him. I'm your ex, which means I know you better than most and from experience the only way you listen is when you're hit with the cold hard truth of it."

"It's more complicated than that."

"Oh yeah?" Logan inquired as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, "explain it to me then. What's so hard about talking to your friend and ironing out issues that you overreacted to other than he pushed your boundary?"

Alice pondered Logan's question for a few moments before sighing softly. She knew she couldn't fool him. Logan arguably knew her the best and she knew that with their history alone that lying to him was out of the question. He knew she was awful at it.

"The truth is…I don't entirely think my mind is my own."

Logan's thick brow arched incredulously, "Alright you've said some weird shit to me over the years, but what in the hell does that mean?"

"I'm serious, Jim." Alice sighed deeply, ignoring when Logan took her bag from her. "It's…it's hard for me to explain, but when Wanda entered my mind…made me relive the worst things that have happened to me…there was something there. Ever since then it's almost like it's waiting for me to let my guard down too long or for me to make one slight misstep. It's been more prevalent since Sam took images of what he and Steve had suspected was Bucky, but the man in those pictures…he died nearly two hundred years ago."

"I don't understand how this has anything to do with what I asked…"

"It's got everything to do with that –"

"That doesn't make any sense –"

"– because the man in those pictures was my brother, Jim!"

The man was silent for a moment, watching as she turned from him in an effort to hide her frustration, her fingers tugging at her curling hair before she heaved a deep sigh and turned back to him. In her eyes in that moment was a woman who was questioning the entirety of her existence. He remembered the night that she had told him about her life and the things she had been through and the different time periods she had experienced and Logan had been enchanted by the idea of living during the beginning times of their country, but he always was able to see her pain behind the pleasant smile she wore. They had always been honest with one another, from the day she had seen him heal himself to the day they had separated and even as friends. He knew about her sisters; how each of them had lived happy lives before passing on, surrounded by family and with happily fulfilled lives; how her mother had died a widow as Alice's father had passed before the Revolutionary War had officially ended; and how her brother had seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth. She had revealed how she had been devastated when she couldn't find him, but wished and prayed beyond anything that whatever life he had lived after her first death that he had done so happily as he was the one person that she loved most in this world and that included him, her husband and even Bucky Barnes.

After a moment he spoke, "How…is that even possible?"

"I – I don't know…I don't know." She wiped a hand down her face, "All I know is that those pictures were of a man that looked identical to Will and ever since I've felt…well, over the last ten years I've felt like there's this presence living inside of me that is just waiting for me to slip long enough for it to come forward. That's why I don't trust myself around them…why I can't and now…" She shook her head and turned away from him once again, "I just can't…I can't trust myself around them."

"Does the Professor know?"

"You think he doesn't?" Alice sighed softly with a roll of her eye, "He thinks I'm hosting a telepath, but every time he gets close he has to pull out as to not hurt me or him...he's not exactly subtle about hiding it."

Logan was silent for a moment before he redirected the conversation back to their previous topic with a shake of his head, "So, what, you're afraid of them finding out that you have a brother? I'm not following."

The older mutant shot him a longsuffering look that expressed her exasperation clearly, her eyes seeming to shutter as she attempted to hide from him.

He studied her face for a long moment before the pieces seemed to click together, "You're not afraid of them finding out about that…you're afraid of Rogers finding out what you're doing with that mercenary…that you found Barnes. Elizabeth…you can't keep holding secrets like this and your brother…"

She merely shrugged helplessly, "My whole existence is based on secrets."

He ignored the bitterness of her rough alto, grabbing her arm and bringing them both to a stop in the middle of the now crowded hallways of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. "You and I both know that's not true. You may act like you're tough, like you've got nothing to lose, but dammit you've got a whole lot to lose this time around and we both know it. You're self-sabotaging yourself and it's tearing you apart. For two hundred years you prevented yourself from having connections…a family. You think I don't know that all of this," he gestured around them, "will only last so long? That I'm doomed for failure when it comes to the people I've adopted into my family – that I'll outlive them? It's senseless to go through life like a ghost. This is the biggest risk of my life and I know for a fact it's the best one I've ever taken. I may outlive them, but these moments are ones I'll never get back…don't make that mistake, Liz. Don't."

Alice stared at the one person that knew her as if seeing him for the very first time and she remembered why she had been so drawn to him. They had outgrown one another and had needed to move on, but they had done so graciously and with the understanding that should they ever need it, the other would be there to set them straight. Logan was wiser than most gave him credit for; buried beneath his surly and gruff personality lay a man who felt deeply and would do anything to ensure the safety of his loved ones despite his own safety.

The brunette sighed softly through her nose as she considered his words. She knew she would have to face Steve eventually and more importantly she knew she would have to face Wanda eventually, the later person more terrifying in her mind than the former. Steve understood more about her and why she tended to react the way she did to certain things, but Wanda didn't. All Wanda knew was that she had wanted to kill her in retribution for what she had done to her and she knew that made her apology to the Sokovian much more daunting a task. Alice was far from perfect and she was still learning how to properly interact with people. She, of course, had known how to be friends with people throughout her life, but after the twenty years she spent under torturous conditions she had become withdrawn and misanthropic. It had left her stumbling in a world that had moved on without her and it had taken her even longer to recover her sense of self despite coming off as volatile and jaded.

Logan watched as her thoughts seemed to distract her, as if she were considering his words with carefully. After a moment she met his eyes and he felt his heart ache in his chest as hazel swam in unshed tears, "How?"

The simple question was enough for Logan's heart to break in his chest for the woman that he had known for much of his youth; for the woman that had always appeared so strong and so put together – so untouchable. He realized in that moment that Alice was just as lost in that moment as he had been after breaking out of Stryker's facility with no memory and only an animalistic instinct to fall back on. He took her arm and guided her through the halls until they reached the conference room that the older mutants of the school used as a teacher's lounge of sorts – surprised that she allowed herself to be led so easily – before closing the door behind him. It hadn't taken long for the moisture in her eyes to release as her tears cascaded down her freckled cheeks and creating streams that dribbled from her chin – the woman not bothering to wipe them away.

"Liz…"

"I'm sorry," she sniffled, finally wiping her cheeks with the heels of her hand almost in embarrassment, "this is not how I expected this all to go today."

"Why are you apologizing?" Logan frowned. "Why do you feel like you need to apologize for being vulnerable? What, because I'm your ex?"

She snorted on a choked laugh, "Because the last time I was vulnerable with you, we were still having sex."

"I hate it when you're too honest," Logan scoffed on a small laugh before shaking his head. "You can't deflect from this…not this time."

She knew he wanted an actual answer to his question and she sighed softly, the air huffing passed her nostrils in a near-snort that had the man raising his brows expectantly. After a moment of thought she finally answered, choosing her words with the utmost care and her breath trembling between her lips, "Because…the last time I was vulnerable was the day I became a number. I ceased being Alice Alexander, Eliza Jenkins, Eliza Sterling, Elizabeth Frasier, Elizabeth Alessandra Alexander…I was nothing. The last time I was vulnerable was when they took me into a room, stripped me to bare flesh and bone and branded a number into my arm."

"So you think that being vulnerable is weakness?"

"It's something I can't afford so yes."

"That's terribly naïve…even for you." He commented as he crossed his arms, ignoring how her face contorted into one of irritation, "Alright then. Vulnerability makes you weak…So, how exactly do you plan on helping Barnes if you can't be vulnerable?"

Alice's irritation at the man's blunt and tactless words quenched like water to a flame. As suddenly as her annoyance had appeared it was gone as Logan posed the very question she had been hoping to avoid.

After a pregnant pause the mutant nodded, running a hand through his hair as if getting the confirmation he needed. "You can't ignore being vulnerable and you sure as hell can't help someone else if you can't relate to them and allow them to see where you're coming from. He's been tortured – for all intents and purposes – for seventy years…you were abused for twenty…whether you drown in two feet of water or an ocean, you still drowned. Once you figure that out and understand it is when you're gonna move passed this plateau you've hit. As far as Rogers is concerned, you and he need to be on the same page. You try anything without all of the cards you're gonna lose your hand real quick…and the last thing I want for you is to destroy what you've worked so hard for all these years and to destroy something you deserve more than anything."

"You didn't answer my question you know," She sniffed, wiping at her eyes.

"You fight for your family with every fiber of your being. You let them into the inner workings of what's going on in your mind. You give them your burdens just as much as you carry theirs and sometimes that means putting your heart out there and letting those walls of yours down. Learn to trust…those in your inner circle should want nothing but the best for you, but they shouldn't enable behaviors that aren't worthy of the person you're trying to become. That's how."

Alice stared at him for a brief moment her eyes searching his and finding no lie in the deep brown of his own gaze and finally she nodded slowly as if fully committing his words to memory. He watched as she almost physically seemed to be trying to pick the words to best convey her thoughts and he shook his head slowly.

"You don't have to have everything figured out, Liz…that's the beauty of being in this age and that's the beauty of becoming secure within your unit."

"And if that unit is hanging on by a thread?" She hated herself for the way her lip trembled, her voice quaking in her uncertainty. Logan's eyes softened and he offered a small and rare smile.

"That's when you need to trust the hardest, love the hardest and believe the hardest in the people you've surrounded yourself with."

Alice studied him for a moment, wiping her eyes of the tears that continued to push passed her eyes unwillingly. She could see the way he had grown over the years and she felt an odd sense of purpose settle itself within the center of her chest. Logan was one of the most closed-off people she had ever known and it had taken them years of friendship before she had gained a modicum of his trust and suddenly she was remembering the words that she had spoken to him all of those years ago and a small smile began to ghost the corners of her lips.

"When did you get so wise?"

"I've always been wise. You were always just too stubborn to realize it."

"Maybe…" Her smile fell slightly as her look softened into one of worry. "Do you think…do you think I can be me again?"

Logan studied her, from her shifting emotions to the way she clenched and unclenched her hands, her pointer fingers picking at the skin on her thumbs and indicating her anxiousness with the answer. He knew the answer she wanted to hear – she wanted to be told that she could, but the truth was much different and he knew that enabling her in that moment would not be helpful especially since she was being the most receptive she had ever been in the last forty years.

"No…and I think you already knew that."

Wincing she turned from him, her eyes seeking out the large expanse of earth that stretched just outside the window panes of the large room Logan had pulled her into in an effort to afford her some privacy. She of course had been dreading the truth from him and knew that he was right – something she was loathe to admit, but thankful for his direct nature.

She had spent so much time merely existing and preventing herself from living and that had been echoed by Charles not long ago when he had begun asking her about certain memories – ones about her family, her sisters, her brother and her late husband seemed to be the most prevalent of late. It was almost as if he was sensing something that she was completely unaware of, something that was wrong inside of her own mind and it didn't miss her attention that he tended to glance briefly to Jean as if asking her to confirm his findings. But the annoyance she felt at her privacy being invaded in her own mind belied the fear she felt and with the other mutant merely confirming her fear she wondered where she went from there.

"You're overthinking it…" She turned to see that Logan had moved closer to her, his brows furrowed deeply over his eyes. "There's no going back…there never will be a way to go back. All we can do is keep moving forward and that means leaving who we were behind. You can find parts of yourself, but I think we can both agree that we can never be the same. Forgive yourself and move on, Liz…because if you don't, you'll be struggling with the ghost of who you were for as long as you live and trust me those skeletons like to rattle when you don't put them to rest."

She considered his words, finding the truth he seemed so desperate for her to realize. The small ball of purpose that had settled in her chest seemed to expand into one of hope and she felt more relief in that moment, more comfort than she had in a very long time.

Over the last few months she had taken time to allow the nightmare she had been shown to rest, slowly sorting through each and every scene and scenario and slowly allowing herself to come to terms with it. Charles had been especially helpful in this endeavor and it had allowed her a small semblance of peace though she knew that peace was fragile especially with the other condemnable things she had done and the darkness that lingered along the edges of her mind. But in this moment, with Logan's blunt and brutal honesty, she felt a weight lift from her she hadn't realized she was carrying.

With a small nod she offered him another weak smile, "You're different than you used to be…it's a good change Jim. Ororo is a lucky woman."

"And Barnes will be a very lucky man once you two can finally be together." Logan nodded, his normally stern features softening with her words. "We're both very lucky over-aged period pieces."

Alice let out a barking laugh in surprise, the sound genuine and not at all small. He offered her a small grin in reply before opening his arms and allowing the woman to fall into the embrace. The hug was short, but it conveyed everything else that remained unsaid between them. Alice pulled away after a moment, pressing a peck to his cheek before allowing her hand to linger briefly before pulling away from him completely. "Thank you."

"Yeah well anytime you need someone to talk some sense into you – you give me a call…I'll set ya straight."

"I'll hold you to that promise."

"So, where are you off to?"

Alice offered him a small smile as she hefted her bag back onto her shoulder, "I've got some things that I've got to make right…

-0-

Standing in her apartment within Avenger's Tower was bittersweet. Tony had told her that he was selling the building and that she would have to move with the team, but she had requested her things be put into storage and the billionaire had understood her request almost without saying anything, but as she stood in what remained with Rumsfeld by her side she couldn't help but feel a small aching bit of loneliness in her chest.

She, Sam and Steve had had some very memorable times within the walls of the third floor. Birthdays, holidays, good times and bad, tears, nightmares, movie nights and laughter, but of all the memories that swam before her eyes as she envisioned the apartment fully furnished and the three friends moving in and out of rooms was the day she had walked in to see the Avengers all cramped into her living room with a slightly lopsided cake for her birthday. She hadn't been certain who's idea it had been, but the family she had found had tried to make her least favorite day of the year something memorable – in fact, Tony had insisted on taking a picture immediately after a Clint had smeared icing down the side of Natasha's face that had resulted in an eight way food fight of sorts; the picture had been framed and left on her bedside table.

There were a lot of things that had happened in the shell of the apartment and a lot of firsts for the mutant who consistently tried to keep everyone at arm's length. As she stood in what used to be her living room, Alice couldn't help but wonder if this was meant to be a euphemism for her life of some sort.

She had chosen to return to Sokovia with the Stark Relief Foundation and the Red Cross in an effort to help those that needed it most in what she felt was a direct causality to the overbearing desire to save the world – a desire that both Tony and Bruce were dealing with the ramifications of…though no one had seen the Doctor since Sokovia. In that time, Tony had retired, sold the Avengers Tower and rerouted the team to a compound further upstate just outside of Utica; Steve and Natasha had begun training what they were calling The New Avengers; Bruce was MIA for all intents and purposes as well as Thor who had allegedly returned to Asgard and finally Clint had returned to his farm to be with Laura as her due date drew nearer and nearer. Everyone seemed to have something and yet Alice found herself standing alone.

Her spiraling thoughts were interrupted by her phone going off in her pocket and she reached for the device only to see Steve's name scrawl across the screen. Without thinking, Alice slid her finger over the answer key.

"Hey, I was actually just um…"

"Visiting the apartment one last time?" Steve questioned. Without seeing him, Alice could nearly picture the knowing look that he wore – Steve had always been good at conveying his expression through his voice and now was no exception. "I would've come with you, you know…"

"I do I just…I needed to do it for myself." Clearing her throat she shrugged, "Uh, anyway, where are you?"

"I'm waiting outside where you parked…you almost got a ticket, figured I'd make sure that didn't happen."

"How chivalrous of you," She smirked with a short and breathy chuckle. "Do I want to know how you knew where to find me?"

"You barely said anything this morning before taking Rumsfeld back from Sam's room and considering you're not crazy about hanging around the compound, I figured next best place would be the last place you called home." Steve's voice was soft yet it didn't temper the blow of the truth behind them. Alice sighed softly before shrugging, knowing he couldn't see it.

"I was hoping to hang onto this just a bit longer…"

"It's not Tony's fault…the Tower was a security breach especially after Ultron and –"

"I'm not blaming Tony, Steve…I'm just…I don't know the first way to approach Wanda right now and I'd prefer to make sure I'm completely me before I even think about speaking with her one-on-one."

Steve was silent on the other side of the line, though she could make out the sounds of the streets far below as well as the general hustle and bustle that was Manhattan. Cars honked in the distance in an odd cadence with the occasional siren of a first responder's vehicle creating an odd urban symphony; people manning carts and other pop-ups were shouting their wares and as people passed where the patriot was standing she could hear brief and jumbled conversations. It was a song that Alice found she would never tire of, but a part of her longed for the rolling hills of the country side and the freedom riding gave her and she knew Rumsfeld probably didn't appreciate being cooped up in the smaller spaces that were afforded to them within Tony's facilities. After a pregnant pause Steve cleared his throat and bringing the mutant back from her brief musings.

"Well…if you come down here, we can try and work out a plan together?"

His comment was phrased as a question and she realized in that moment Steve was just as concerned about their impending conversation as she was. Shaking her head, she pulled Logan's words to the forefront of her mind and she nodded, her resolve hardened once more.

"Yeah, sure um…lemme just grab Rumsfeld and we'll head down."

Relief colored Steve's voice, "Great. I'm right where you parked so maybe we can go for a short drive and go somewhere a little quieter?"

"That actually doesn't sound too terrible." She commented lightly with a smirk, "I'll be down in a few." She and the patriot said their goodbyes before the mutant recalled Rumsfeld and the two stepped into the elevator.

It was still odd to not hear JARVIS's voice asking what floor she wanted to visit and to see the once bustling building completely vacant with the exception of a few contractors that were looking over plans for the building; apparently they were planning on calling it the Metlife Building. Alice reattached her dog's lead and held it loosely as they reentered the bustling streets on NYC. It didn't take too long before Alice was able to see Steve's tall frame anxiously pacing near where she had parked her car and playing with his phone as if he were debating whether this was a good idea or not. Shaking her own doubts, the mutant clicked her unlock button, watching as the man seemed to jump slightly before his eyes searched the crowd around him before he managed to spot her smaller stature among the throng of people.

Steve was wearing a sports jacket of some kind and a pair of jeans, which surprised the mutant as she was used to him wearing some form of button up and khaki pant combination. He clearly was looking to blend in this afternoon instead of making himself more obvious. His blonde hair was covered by a matching baseball cap and his sunglasses had been left to hang from the henley he wore beneath his jacket, the sleeves of both pushed up his arms to avoid the heat of the mid-afternoon sun. As she approached she let Rumsfeld's lead to go slack and allowing the animal to run up to her friend, the taller man greeting the dog with enthusiasm. She offered him a quick hug before gesturing to the car, an invitation that Steve was very quick to pick up on and in an almost silent argument between the two the former soldier bowed his head in defeat at opening her side of the car to help her in, instead opening the door on his side and allowing the dog into the back seat. As the two of them settled and Alice turned the engine over and turned on the AC, Steve removed his jacket with a sigh of relief.

"What happened? I go to Sokovia for a few months, come back and Sam turns you into a frat boy?"

Steve's brow arched inquisitively beneath the bill of his cap; the look adorably innocent on his handsome features. "I'm not sure what that is?"

Alice smirked, tugging on the sleeves of her light zip up hoodie, the neck loose enough and showing a bare shoulder and the tank she wore beneath, "Remind me to show you pictures later. The experience is…enlightening to say the least."

"Now I'm worried. Sam did suggest the shirt, but I also wasn't expecting it to be this hot today…hence the jacket."

"It's the middle of June Steve; it's supposed to be warm."

"You're not wrong." Steve trailed off as the mutant merged into the heavy traffic of Manhattan, navigating the streets with the ease of someone who was used to driving in the congested and hardly lawful streets.

New York City had always seemed to have its own rules for navigating and sharing the road with other people and it never ceased to impress the patriot whenever Alice weaved in and out of traffic as if she had been doing it for years. The mutant was good at a great many things, but she had always admitted to hating driving in the city and instead left that for anyone else who deemed themselves brave enough to drive – the woman much preferring to either take a cab or walk if the distance was doable. It surprised him still that she had so readily let him ride with her and he took the time to study her profile while she was otherwise focused on traffic.

Alice didn't appear any different than the last time he had seen her, at least from what he could tell. She was certainly more sun-kissed, thanks to the bright days they had been having recently, and he could see the darkened freckles that seemed to have jumped to life on her face as if basking in the sunshine; her long and waving hair was tied back in a sloppy attempt at a knot at the base of her neck and covered by a baseball cap of her own; the waving strands barely holding the shape of the bun and falling partially down her back from where her white sweatshirt seemed to lazily hang across her shoulders. She wore a pair of light jeans that sat high on her waist with rips at her knees, her rust orange tank tucked into the waist band. She appeared healthy, much healthier than he had seen her a few months ago when she had appeared on the news and that brought a small comfort that Alice seemed to be healing again.

"You stare any harder and I'm going to have holes in the side of my face," Alice remarked after a moment, wiping at her eye briefly as if to clear it of an obstruction before she glanced at him as they came to a stoplight. Steve smiled bashfully before shrugging his shoulders and breathing a deep sigh through his nose.

"Sorry, it's just…you look better."

"I feel a bit better. I'm sure you know already, but I've been working more with Xavier and his team recently."

"Which is where I assume you've been living?"

Alice shot him a small glare out of the corner of her eyes before sighing softly as the heat of her response died on her tongue, "Yes, it's also where I happen to be staying."

"That's," Steve sighed softly, his hands held up in surrender, "that's not a bad thing, Al. I'm just happy you seem to be more comfortable."

She snorted before huffing out a dry, "Yeah, comfortable. That's the word for sure."

"It's not?"

"I mean…not really? Ever since I've gotten back I've been working and I don't mind it, not even a bit, but…"

"It's not the same?"

"Definitely not and that kinda sucks." Alice admitted after a moment, her chest expanding with her sigh. "Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to the X-Men and their team, but I miss what we all had as Avengers. Even in my retirement after the Battle of New York, it just felt like we were…more connected in a way."

Steve watched as the emotions seemed to pass her face quicker than she could register them herself, but he noticed the small nuances. The way that the guilt, the anger, the sadness and the loneliness seemed to fight for dominance on her pretty features told him more in that moment than she did and she was being surprisingly open with him in that moment.

"I don't really know how to explain it, but I'm worried…I'm worried for what our future holds especially with the way the media has attacked each and every one of us recently."

"I can't really argue that point, but do you think it's because we have people that are new on the team…that the dynamic has changed?"

Alice weighed his question carefully before shaking her head, "I don't think that it'll ever matter who's on the team for me. I understand that we all have different goals and we all have different expectations, but I think my worry stems from more…personal experience? I don't know if that's even what it is or where it's coming from, but all I can say is that I took Tony's call to come back to the team because I knew that this family, what we have, is important…and it's important enough for me to sacrifice my comfort and anonymity for."

Steve turned to look at her, his body nearly turning to fully face her just as they exited the main city and passed by the Bronx on I-95 and headed towards upstate New York. "So which is it?"

The mutant glanced at him, noticing the way his expression appeared guarded as his lips formed a tightened frown and his eyes becoming like ice as if he were bracing himself for some inevitable blow. With another sigh the mutant removed her cap and ran a hand through her unruly hair that was still dirty from her training session with Mystique that morning before turning her attention forward in an effort to keep her eyes on the road.

"I'm used to people moving on without me, Steve. It's just a part of my life and has been since I was young…whether it's because they've moved beyond the mortal realm or they just…leave. I'm used to it and I've come to accept that as a part of my life over time. When I was captured and taken to that lab I was at my lowest. I had lost everything. I wasn't careful and because of that I put myself in a position to be abused –"

"Do you even hear yourself?"

Alice paused in her diatribe to glance back at the patriot to see he was no longer bracing from some unknown impact, but that he was glaring at her without restraint and the change surprised her. Her surprise must have shown on her face as the man sighed deeply and pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

"You didn't put yourself in that position, Al. No one chooses to be tortured and abused like that and no one plans for that to happen. You can't blame yourself for what happened to you and you know that."

With his anger understood, Alice shook her head, "But I did…it doesn't change what happened to me, but it was a variable I was more than capable of controlling and I didn't. I knew that just by associating with you, the Commandos…with Bucky…that I was setting myself up for the worst heartbreak of all and then it happened and I wasn't prepared for how bad the fallout would be. I thought by working with Howard that I'd find some sort of solace – some understanding of what it was we were fighting for. But it only made it worse. It made me weak."

"Why do you sound like you're pushing us away…pushing me away?"

"That's…" she sighed softly, "Originally that's what I was going to do."

The patriot stared at her, affronted, as if she had just slapped him in the face. He knew Alice was honest, she was to a fault, but he hadn't expected the blunt nature of her honesty or why she felt she needed to bring up the most painful parts of her past. An awkward silence, unlike anything the two had experienced before, settled over them as the mutant continued to drive and Steve turned his attention to the window; the only sound between them was Rumsfeld's small woofs and whines as he slumbered in the back seat and the radio humming some obscure song that the patriot couldn't even name. His thoughts spiraled as he digested her words. Sam had warned him that Alice had only come out of her retirement because of him and now he feared that he was the reason for her leaving once again. He hadn't planned on the conversation going like this and he hadn't planned for the way it would tear him apart to hear and he wondered if she was steadily falling apart like he was?

Steve and Alice were close. There was never a doubt about that. She had helped him through some of the darker parts of his life and she had allowed him to see the darker parts of her as well. She had told him about how she was a survivor about how she continued to push forward despite all of the reasons to give up and give in and yet she never did. They had gone through some of the most earth-shattering revelations together and they had spent more time than he could count working through their demons and putting them to rest. But now it seemed as if that chasm was too wide to bridge and he worried for what that could mean for their future as friends. He loved her, he loved her as much as he loved the Barnes family and even Bucky, but that small kid from Brooklyn, who seemed to crawl beneath his skin still could feel the entire world crashing down around him and the old fear he had of being alone was beginning to resurface.

He was pulled from his quickly darkening inner monologue when the car jolted to a stop and the mutant threw her automatic shift into park and turned to look at him. Glancing briefly beyond her window he could see they had pulled into a rest stop of some kind.

"I'm sorry I don't mean to sound callous to your feelings, I just…needed to sort my thoughts together." She sighed softly, her elbow resting on the wheel and cradling her brow as she looked away from him. "I know how that sounded and know that's not my intention. When I first came back to the States, I had every intention of putting space between myself and the other Avengers…you included, but a friend of mine told me how stupid I was being."

Steve listened with bated breath; almost afraid to ask who she had been speaking with, but slowly relaxing when she finally met his eyes. "Sam?"

"Surprisingly not," she replied with a small smile. "My ex, actually."

"Your…ex?"

"Mhm," she hummed. "He's like I am - an old relic from the past that seems to have gained quite a bit of wisdom since we broke up, but a wise man nonetheless. He told me to fight for my family with every fiber of my being even if I already know how the story may end. And so, I decided that I'm not going to push the team away…that I'm not going to push you away…I think we've both been alone long enough to deserve a break."

"I'm not going to lie when I say this, but you scared the living hell out of me."

"Oooh, a curse word…I must have had you nervous."

Steve shot her a weak glare in response to the teasing grin that had stretched across her lips before he sighed. "Look, I'm just going to jump right into this because I never get to apologize first and I think it's important that I do." He took a deep breath, ignoring how her features sobered, "I know I'm not always the best when it comes to balancing between being myself, and Captain America and being able to turn that on and off. I knew what you saw was awful and to think that you'd be okay with Wanda just showing up and seemingly being welcomed was wrong of me…it was wrong of me to assume that you would just readily accept what she represented to you and I'm sorry for making you think that I was so ready to defend her over you. I just want you to know that I'd never intentionally put you in a position where you'd be uncomfortable and if I did break a boundary then I sincerely apologize."

Alice offered him a small smile, "You don't have to be sorry for that…I'm sorry for overreacting to something that you couldn't have had complete control over. I can understand why you'd bring her and Pietro back to the Tower in the first place. They had information that we needed and they're kids…were kids…that were being used. You saw an opportunity and you took it and I'm sorry for making you feel like you had to choose between me and Wanda. You're my best friend, Steve, and that's not gonna change over a stupid disagreement, but there's something else…"

Steve watched as the mutant readjusted herself, her hands wringing together nervously. He watched as she struggled with her thoughts before he took the cue and placed his hand over hers to calm her and to stop her from hurting her hand which seemed to do the trick as she met his eyes once more and expressing her thanks. "What's going on, Al?"

"Ever since I met up with you all back in 2012…I don't feel like my mind is completely…mine."

The patriot's brow furrowed as he considered her statement and the nervousness that seemed to leak from every pore. "What do you mean?"

"Well…there was a part of me that knew I could heal Coulson, but I wasn't able to obviously." She began softly, "After I failed to bring him back…this voice just seemed to take over, telling me how useless I was and how I was made and could be unmade and it…at first I thought it was merely just my way of dealing with what was happening, but then when Wanda showed me that vision…I was reminded of how I was after escaping. I wasn't a good person, Steve. I killed because I could and to prove to them that I was what they told me I was. I didn't use my name for years after escaping…didn't know how I could have a name ever again, but after coming out of the vision and then seeing Wanda at the tower…I felt compelled to kill her. I felt like I had to kill her and it wasn't me…it wasn't me that was thinking that at all. The crime didn't justify the punishment…did she need to atone for what she did, of course, did she need to answer for it, definitely, but she doesn't deserve death for what she did. I almost lost control…I almost became that person I was after the lab and I promised myself I'd never become that person again."

Steve listened to her intently, a seriousness coming to his features as tears began to gather in her eyes and her words bordered on hysteric. "Hey, hey, I'm here…you're in your car, Al…just breathe." Rumsfeld had wasted no time but to push his large dog frame in between the two of them, his nose pressing into her cheek before licking her face and his paw batting at her arm as if to bring her back to present. It took a few moments between the dog pawing at her and Steve coaxing her back from the precipice of a panic attack, but as her eyes refocused on him and her hand reached up to scratch at Rumsfeld's head he knew they had been successful. After a moment of allowing Alice to readjust and coax her dog into the back seat once more, he frowned, "So, what can I do to help?"

"I'm…I'm not sure," she sighed, running a hand under her eyes to dry her face. "All I can do is make you aware of it, but Xavier has been trying to find the root of where it is in my mind. He thinks that there's another telepath using me as a host."

"A host?"

"Basically just riding around passively in my head," she explained as she tapped the side of her temple. "We're not sure how or why, but that's his theory at the very least."

"It's not Loki is it? Didn't he have some kind of mind abilities?"

"I don't think it's him – I'd be surprised if it was honestly. Loki was a victim of circumstance…I still think he was being used to serve as a warning for something bigger and he was all too happy to give up when he knew he had been beaten."

"He did seem relieved…"

Alice nodded slowly, "Either way, until he can get to the bottom of it, he's been encouraging me to be careful not to let my mind drift too much so he's been having me work on my mutation."

Steve sensed more than caught the change in conversation as well as her discomfort with allowing herself to be so vulnerable to him and so allowed the change without too much resistance. "He thinks that by you working on strengthening your mutation, that you'd be able to fight off this telepath?"

"Maybe? I mean, since I'm technically able to manipulate the cells in my body, maybe he thinks I can create alternative pathways to trap the telepath in my mind somewhere? Outsmart them maybe? It's hard to say, but I won't really know until they decide to make themselves known."

"And that happens when you're feeling cast out…" Steve drew off, thinking quickly enough to draw his own conclusion and missing the look of surprise that had appeared on Alice's features as he seemed to connect dots that she hadn't been aware of herself. "Well, I guess if you start feeling like…"

"Not myself?"

"Not yourself," Steve agreed with a small smile, "then you let me know and we'll try and deal with it then. You know I know absolutely nothing about actual powers, but…"

"You think Wanda may actually be able to help." Alice sighed softly before cupping her chin and looking beyond the windshield and to the people that were coming and going from the main building of the rest stop they had pulled off at. "Maybe she can, but…"

"You're scared. That's okay, Al, I'm sure she'd want to help if she could."

Alice shot him a bemused smirk, "I sincerely doubt that. After the way I've treated her and with what happened with Pietro…well, I'd be surprised if she'd want anything to do with me…let alone accept any apology I could offer."

"Losing him wasn't your fault," Steve frowned as he clasped her other hand that she wasn't using to balance her chin. "He was barely there by the time you got him into that room and you did what you could. His death is on Ultron…not on you."

"I'm sure you understand that feeling too…" She hummed thoughtfully, her gaze faraway and sad. "It's funny. No matter how many people I lose on the table or in battle, it never gets easier. You'd think I'd be used to death by now…that she'd be an old friend, but…"

"I get it. Believe me I do." Steve sighed, "I used to think I could save everyone, but someone told me not too long ago now that if I spend all of my time focusing on the ones that are gone, then I'd miss the opportunity to save someone who may need me."

"Well…they sound awfully wise."

"She is," he smirked, watching as Alice's lips twitched into a weak smile as he turned the advice that she had once given him back to her. "She made it sound better, but I'm also paraphrasing."

She barked out a short laugh before shaking her head slowly, "I'm not sure what I did in this lifetime to deserve your friendship, Steve…but I'm thankful for it."

"I'm thankful for your friendship too, you know. I know I'm not always great at showing it, but…"

"Believe me, I'm the poster child for dumb in the friendship department." She chuckled, "but we've always been stronger together than apart. So…" Steve's face seemed to contort as a thought caught him and the mutant paused in continuing her statement to allow him to voice the thought if he needed to, "Something on your mind?"

"You said something earlier…that this family is worth sacrificing your comfort for?"

The mutant nodded slowly, a humorless smile tugging at her lips once more, "I did say that. Allowing myself to be interviewed by the media in Sokovia is what did it…with the way the media is speculating, it'll only be a matter of time before my secret is found out and the world will know who I am…what I am."

"That's if the next disaster doesn't pop up first."

"That much is true. But why do you ask?"

Steve paused for a moment, his brow furrowing tightly over his eyes, "I understand that you came out of retirement because you were worried about the team and worried about me…but if this isn't what you want, I completely understand if you want to stop. I don't want you to feel like you need to sacrifice your comfort and your secret just to protect us because if you feel that you need to sacrifice yourself then that means that we're not doing our part as your team…as your family and I can't let that happen, Al…I can't."

"You're a good man, Steve…you always have been and I know I'm not the first person to remind you of that." She smiled softly, "I made that choice and now I have to live with the repercussions, but I can definitely sleep easier knowing that you all have my back. If you don't mind me asking, what was it that you were shown?"

Steve looked taken aback by the seemingly abrupt change in topic, but the mutant must have seen the way his face had fallen when she mentioned him being a good man. As soon as the words had left her mouth he had immediately been brought back to 1942 the day before he became Captain America, sitting across from a brilliant man who was willing to take a chance on him and had a thing for schnapps. Abraham Erskine had seen something in him that no one else had seen and the next person to see that was Peggy Carter, the love of his life and the one woman he still felt was his soul's mate despite her dark hair bleeding red and her brown eyes forming into a striking green. He shook his head to erase the image from his mind, knowing that if he were to follow that particular line of thought that it could spell danger for him. It took him a moment to refocus on what Alice's question had been and he finally sighed as if scared to retell her the details of the vision that Wanda had shown him, the thing he feared most.

"It was like I told you on Clint's farm," he began as if hoping she would take the simple answer. When she shifted, her leg bending to better support her weight on the car seat as she looked at him he knew he couldn't escape what he was hoping would be a short conversation. "It was a dance hall…in what I imagine they looked like after the war was over and we all went back home. It was odd. The dancers looked like they were fighting – their faces seemed to be in pain…or anger…a man spilled a drink on another man's shirt and all I could see was a bullet wound and blood…cymbals crashed and all I heard was a mortar and then…" He barely recognized when Alice took his hand, squeezing the larger appendage in her own and drawing him back to present as if being able to see the panic that lingered beyond his easily constructed mask. "Peggy was there."

"Your Peggy."

"Yeah…my Peggy, but it was strange. She was as beautiful as I remembered her, but she wasn't at the same time. Peggy always loved bold colors. During the war she wore a red dress when she wasn't in her Class As and even then she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen." Alice watched as he tried to recall the Peggy from his memory rather than the specter that undoubtedly still haunted him in her place. "This time she was in blue…and she was still beautiful, Al…the most beautiful I've ever seen her and then she asked me if I was ready for our dance and…we did, but…then she said that we could go home and I was…"

"You were scared," Alice finished gently, her hand squeezing his in understanding. "Is that what you think, Steve? That you don't deserve anything outside of Avenging? Outside of war?" His silence spoke volumes and she shook her head softly. "If there is anyone more deserving of some peace, I truly think it's you. Things change and so do our aspirations, but no one is undeserving of peace and love and stability. You deserve that Steve…in whatever form you believe that takes. If that means you do art, then do that; if that means you teach others, then do that, but don't limit yourself only to fighting because at your core that's never who you were and I think you should take some time to rediscover that skinny kid from Brooklyn."

Steve stared at her for a moment before turning his head away from her, a small smile ghosting his lips but the smile never reaching his eyes, "You make it sound easy."

"It's not…it never is, but how can you know if you don't try?"

He sighed softly, "I don't know if I'll ever be able to have what Barton has…after seeing all of that and then going to his home and seeing his family and how easily he seems to balance it? It just…it just struck me, I guess."

"It's not easy for him," Alice sighed softly after a brief moment of thought. "He worries over them constantly and he never knows if someone is going to find out about them. He's terrified of something happening to Laura or the kids and having them held against him and he's terrified of what kind of choice he'd have to make if that time ever comes. Fury was kind enough to keep them off book, and they're all very careful, but there's still always that worry that they face. Laura understands it and she and Clint don't shield the kids in regards to what their father does. Cooper and Lila are very lucky to know what their father does and that he goes to such great lengths to be there for things."

"I did wonder how you knew so much about them, Auntie Allie."

She couldn't stop the blush that raced across her cheeks before she punched him lightly in the shoulder, "I've known about them for a few years now…after everything that happened in Washington they came to take care of me for a while."

"They…came to take care of you?"

"Yeah," she smiled weakly, "I was pretty messed up after everything that happened and I was pretty low. Nat must have called Clint in because a few days after I left you and Sam he was strolling into my house with his wife and kids like he lived there and got me back in order. It wasn't a great time for me…not that it was any better for you, but we had very different ways of handling it."

He was silent for a moment before he braved the question he seemed to have been holding onto, "How…how did you handle it?"

"Not well for starters," she shrugged. "I wasn't just mentally or emotionally unstable, but physically I couldn't do much for myself. I spent more time than I care to admit curled in a ball on the floor because standing up was just too hard to manage. It was a dangerous cocktail of instability and inability and it left me in a place I hadn't been in for a long time."

Surprised by her honesty, he couldn't help but stare at her. This was a woman who rarely allowed herself to be seen beyond her aloof mask and a woman that seemed nearly impenetrable and Steve knew that was because of the vast amount of life experience she had, but now that he was getting a peek beyond what Alice allowed others to see he wondered just how bad things had been for her. He knew that she tended to take loss extremely hard and that she tended to blame herself for things that were beyond her control because she felt that she had some obligation or responsibility in the lives that she was entwined with. He knew that she cared and loved very deeply despite her hesitancy to allow that to show. He remembered a woman who loved openly and didn't hide or restrain herself from feeling emotions fleeting fancy and yet the woman that had become his friend was both that woman and a different woman all in one. The world had not been kind to her and he knew why, of course he knew why; she had never told him what exactly had transpired behind the horrors of her life for twenty years, but he was smart enough to be able to draw his own conclusions and be able to read it in the way she carried herself.

"I never knew, Al…I'm…I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

She waved him off gently before shaking her head, "The truth was, I didn't want anyone to know and I didn't want anyone to see. Clint forced his way into that portion of my life and I'll always be thankful for him and his family for that. They've taught me a great deal about being able to love again and how to be…normal. I can't be the same woman I was because it's true that she died in the 60's, but I can do my damnedest to be the best person for those kids because they deserve it."

"Do you mind if I ask…"

"About Wanda's vision? No I don't mind…it was mostly centered on my fear of being sexually abused…by a romantic partner just as much as a stranger."

Steve's face contorted into one of horror, "Al…Buck would never."

"I know," she cut him off, her tone sharp before softening as she drew in on herself. "I know he wouldn't, but it's hard to be able to move past that fear and not associate everything with…everything all the time."

"It's why you've jumped away from me or Sam if you didn't hear us…or if someone brushes against you without you seeing them first…"

"Kinda…it's…hard to explain. What I went through for twenty years changed me and not for the better. I became cold and I became exactly what they wanted to believe I was. I was a tool to further their agenda and nothing more. I was a lamb sent for slaughter." He would never point it out to her, but the way she suddenly adjusted her sweatshirt to fully cover her shoulders spoke volumes to him as well as the way her hand clenched over her upper right arm. "When I escaped from the lab…I murdered without remorse or discrimination. It didn't matter to me who they were, how old they were or their association with the program and in that vision? In that vision I murdered the two kids that mean the world to me; that I would die forever for…and why? Because I couldn't tell the difference between them and an attacker…I didn't know the difference and all I could hear was Bucky's voice asking me if I've been the monster all along."

Steve stared at her for a moment, understanding and sadness battling for dominance on his handsome features. "Alice…"

She shrugged helplessly, "I'm still working on it…still just trying to be better so that I don't do something that I regret."

"I didn't realize…"

"I didn't exactly say anything so it's not like you're completely at fault." She sniffed, promising herself she wasn't going to cry for a second time that day, "I was angry at her, of course I was, but I think…looking back at it…I was angrier with myself. I just didn't know how to convey everything without lashing out at everyone around me and I was terrified. I was scared that everyone was going to see me for what I've always seen myself as and what I've heard others call me and if I could push you all away before you reached that conclusion then…maybe the loneliness wouldn't hurt as much."

Steve's face was serious when he met her eyes, "I can understand a little bit of what you mean. That maybe if you make the choice to keep everyone away they won't get a chance to see how badly you actually need them…I tend to do that myself."

"I know…I heard Ultron call you out on that," Alice admitted softly before sighing. "Who knew we'd end up more alike than we'd ever care to admit?"

"Guess when we get Buck back we'll be a box set."

Alice couldn't help the laugh that bubbled passed her lips before she opened her arms in offering of a hug, "Nah, we'll just figure out a way to put all of our pieces back together again…together this time."

Steve leaned into the hug without hesitation, dwarfing her small frame as they leaned over the divider in the awkward space afforded them by the front seats of the car. "I like the sound of that…and for what it's worth, Al, I really am sorry."

"It's water under a bridge as far as I'm concerned."

"So you'll come back to the team or…?"

Pulling away the mutant offered him an apologetic smile, "I'm gonna keep up with the X-Men for now if it's all the same to you. I think they'll be able to help me have a better idea of what kind of power I do hold…maybe even one day I'll be able to actually heal something that's not a plant."

Steve snickered quietly before nodding in understanding, "Okay…I had to ask, of course."

"I know." She patted his arm as she readjusted herself in the seat as they got ready to continue their trek upstate, "I know you did and I'll always be ready to join back up, but I think I'm gonna take that light retirement plan for now."

"If you ever need me, don't hesitate to call me alright?"

"That phone works both ways," She smirked before tossing the car back into drive and beginning to merge back onto the highway.

As much as Alice dreaded it, she had one more person to apologize to and this one the most deserving. She was going to do her damnedest to follow Logan's advice and fight for the family she had. If that meant apologizing to Wanda then she knew she would do it if it meant helping her adjust better and maybe not feel as lonely because Alice knew lonely and she knew what it was like to lose everything and if nothing else, the Sokovian had lost nearly everything. With her resolve hardened and her heart lighter than it had been over the last few months, the mutant was prepared to go to whatever lengths she needed to in order to maintain what she had…maybe, just maybe she could have her wants and needs without needing to sacrifice what she already had.

What neither of the two friends realized was that the secrets the two of them were keeping would eventually be tested. Alice hoped that it wouldn't be the thing that eventually tore them apart and Steve just prayed that his own knowledge never came to light as it could unravel everything he had fought so hard to keep over the last few years.

---

Author's Note: So, there's a lot here so let's get into it!

This chapter has a whole lot about Alice's mutation as well as what she's kind of been up to over the four months after AoU and the last chapter. Alice's mutation and it's ability is based a lot around her intake of energy hence her metabolism. So long as she's able to keep it fueled, Alice can do a lot of cool stuff with it. Here's a small recap of what you should know about Alice's mutation before we head into the next few chapters:

- Alice's mutation is Cellular/Biological manipulation and Regeneration - she will eventually call this Mend/Mending as it's a much more cohesive name instead of constantly addressing exactly what her mutation is. This isn't a spoiler, she's been calling it Mend or Mending as she learns more about it, it just hasn't been directly stated in story canon yet...*shrugs*.

- Alice can manipulate cellular make up, meaning she is able to bring things back from basic decomposition so long as there is life still within the subject. All she can do this with at the moment is plants (big shout out to simmerandcry and Alice's appearances in her stories Show Me, Don't Tell Me and Only For a Moment).

- Alice is not immortal...at all. She is capable of permanent death and that can be caused through asphyxiation or deprivation of oxygen. It's a painful way to go and it takes an extremely long time, but it is possible - examples would be: being buried alive and/or drowning. This idea came from the X-Men comics themselves as this has been shown with Wolverine. The way this happens is that the cells must die and not regenerate, this happens when oxygen is no longer being carried through the body and as such I'm using that same theory here.

- Alice is capable of instantaneous healing now and she can do so at will. She can also choose what to heal which we've seen already in chapter 30 when Bucky points out she is bleeding and she heals herself with the thought.

- Will she eventually be able to heal people? The answer is: yes. Eventually she will be able to heal people, but there are very specific conditions to her ability to heal others...you'll just have to wait around a little longer to find out ;)

- She still appears to be 25 years old...we haven't learned why just yet, but gold star to anyone who is able to figure it out!

- Her ability to heal focuses on her metabolism and caloric intake. She basically acts as her own battery and so she feeds her own mutation by utilizing energy that is already located in her body. When she runs out of energy from what she eats, she can manipulate her own self in order to get the energy she needs, but this comes at a cost - high risk, high reward as they say. If she's not careful she can actually harm herself doing this as we see in early chapters and more specifically in the Winter Soldier timeline where her body is forced to heal more prevalent damage and serious injuries before superficial ones - this is a conscious choice made by Alice directly because of her medical knowledge.

- Her parietal lobe (which is an actual place in the brain) is larger than normal. This is something I've manipulated outside of real-world possibility to compensate for Alice's abilities and give it a locative spot in her body. The parietal lobe is the part of our brains that recognizes pain and processes sensory information it receives from the outside world, mainly relating to touch, taste, and temperature. I decided this would also be the part of her brain that recognizes her ability to heal so slight manipulation here.

There's definitely more, but for now I'll leave it at that. If you need another refresher definitely reread where Hank is speaking to both Logan and Storm as it's very specific in that area, also if you want bigger hints to Alice's mutation and it's capabilities I strongly suggest paying very close attention to Doctor Harlow when he's talking about the serum in chapter 30 that he created :)

Now moving on! We've got a lot of info here and this chapter is definitely more about Alice healing and becoming a stronger character more than anything else. She has a tendency to push off her problems and she doesn't apologize easily or often. She is extremely stubborn, but in the wise words of Avatar Aang from Legend of Korra "when we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change" and that is very important here. She's beginning to grow and from here we're gonna start seeing a very different Alice and in the best ways possible...granted, we aren't without faults and she's going to have her struggles especially with the "family" dynamic of the Avengers, but I'm really hoping the pay off is gonna be worth it guys.

The apology with Steve finally happened! There's a lot I wanted to highlight between these two and a lot of it is because they have very similar fears. Steve hides behind his mantle as Captain America because it's the one thing that he's familiar with and it was the only thing that brought him comfort in a world that was so much more advanced than he remembered. Think about it...it's a trauma response. Masking trauma is just as bad as not treating it and we see this consistently with Steve throughout his arc in the MCU. He fears what will happen if he were to ever retire or if there isn't a battle to fight and he does this by hiding behind the Avengers - something that both Ultron and Zemo actually points out to him in both Age of Ultron and Civil War so I wanted to play with this dynamic as well.

Alice, as stated many times throughout this story, is a survivor if sexual assault/abuse. Every survivor deals with the trauma of what happened to them differently. As a survivor myself I have an extremely hard time separating my abuser from the men I know and trust. This is a direct reflection in Alice and probably the only part of her personality that is self-insert in how she deals with that trauma. If she isn't expecting someone and I mean anyone in her bubble or space she tends to react by wanting to get away - it's not as bad as it was, but that's because Alice makes a conscious effort to know who is around her. Of course, this isn't always the case and accidents happen, but Sam and Steve especially know how to navigate this simply because they've both lived with her - Clint knows how to navigate this area because of Natasha and also being a survivor of abuse (not sexual in his case if I remember his comics correctly) himself. This isn't her identity but it certainly informs a lot of her decisions and is a central piece of a lot of her fears and how she reacts in certain instances.

And yes, Alice took exception to Wanda because under these terms and under this specific instance she felt violated and it was done against her will which is a major trigger for her. However, and let me be very clear about this, Wanda is not a villain in my story. WandaVision showed that she was much older than originally believed and I'm not going to change that so suddenly because of the show releasing. In this story, Wanda is still a teenager and she learns as she gets older and grows, but she has to be held to some form of accountability and that's not exclusive to only Wanda. So will Alice apologize for the way she reacted to a kid, yes she absolutely will. But this is also to bring the two characters to some form of understanding because in this house we allow for ~character growth and development~. So, Wanda fans, rest easy that this will not be something lorded over her - she's got enough on her plate.

Also, and this is my last point, Logan is Alice's opposite in a lot of ways. Just from watching a lot of the X-Men movies recently - more specifically First Class, Days to Future's Past and Apocalypse - I've noticed that he softens around the edges especially in Days to Future's Past and I decided to go with that development for him. Also if you're wondering about canon I'm drawing from the other films lightly, some comics, but mostly the three movies listed above because I feel like those three allow for a more complete storyline. Also, a point of clarification: Logan is Alice's ex-boyfriend ;)! The two were never actually married though they did have a very long relationship that spanned over at least ten years, so they know each other very well and have managed to remain friends. Alice has only ever been married once and that was to Seamus Fraiser in the early 1800's...don't worry, a lot of this stuff will be explained later when Bucky is a more fixed point in the story ;)

ALL OF THAT SAID, LET'S JUMP INTO MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WHOLE DAMN AUTHOR'S NOTE!

A very special thank you to everyone who has favorited/followed/subscribed or just read this story so far! There's a lot here and I appreciate you all taking this journey with me!

Also a special thank you to simmerandcry, kyro232, Love. Fiction. 2021, psychosae, zxnightfox and Tobiramamarafor their reviews of the last chapter! I really cannot say how much I appreciate you all for taking time to review my story!

And if you haven't already - please check out my dear friend, simmerandcry's story "Show Me, Don't Tell Me"! It's an incredible and amazing and just truly wonderful Bucky/Steve/OC story and it's a real treat especially if you like some good fluff! She just finished this story and has posted her sequel entitled "Only For a Moment" and it's just incredible already and just 4 chapters in! Also if you love Alice as much as I do, she makes some special appearances in simmerandcry's timeline ;) Not only should you go and send some love for these two stories, BUT it was her birthday on Sunday and you should go wish her a belated happy birthday ;) lol!

Anyway, I hope to be quicker with updates in the coming weeks...I know I've said that in literally the last three chapters, but it's true...I'm hoping to get better about updating in general.

ALSO CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT HOW I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS STORY FOR OVER A YEAR ALREADY! Our anniversary together was May 8th and I'm forever thankful for each and every single one of you that have taken time to just read my story! Just know I love you all so deeply and I appreciate each and every single one of you from the bottom of this ol' heart of mine!

Love you all,
xoxo Eirlys