Chapter 31: Difficult Conversations
A/N: Wow, this chapter was so much harder to write than I expected. Sorry that it took so long to get out. I appreciate those of you who checked in more than you know! I think this might have actually been the hardest chapter I've ever written (not emotionally, but to get it right). I'm not 100% happy with it, but I decided it was time to move forward in the story. Thank you to Lil_leels for your help!
Maura: June, Present Day
Maura followed Jane out of the bathroom. She still felt weak and shaky, but like she had told Jane, she no longer felt like she was going to vomit or pass out.
As soon as she rounded the corner into the living room, Sophie called out, "Mommy!" She jumped off the couch and into Maura's arms.
"I'm okay, sweetie," Maura said quietly as she held Sophie close. "Why don't you come upstairs with me while I brush my teeth, wash up, and get changed?"
Sophie nodded against her shoulder. Maura briefly made eye contact with Jane, and they shared a soft smile of acknowledgement before Maura carried Sophie upstairs. Maura placed Sophie on the counter while she brushed her teeth and washed her face. When Maura started to put on her make-up, Sophie asked, "Mommy, are you sad because Finn is mad at you?"
Maura paused as she tried to decide how to best answer her question. "Yes, I am sad that Finn is upset with me," she answered slowly.
Sophie chewed on her bottom lip as she thought about what to ask next. "You should tell Finn that it makes you sad when she says mean things to you," Sophie said, and Maura knew that she was thinking back to one of their many conversations about how to respond when another kid at school said something mean or upsetting.
"Well, Finn was telling me that I did something that upset her, and that's okay. Just like I want you to tell me when you are sad or mad or upset, I want your sisters to do the same. I supposed I'm not sad because Finn told me that she was mad at me; I'm sad because I did something that upset her. Does that make sense?"
Sophie shook her head and asked, "But why is Finn mad at you?"
"She's upset because I wasn't part of her or Emma's lives for the first six years," Maura said.
"Because you were with me?" Sophie asked, and Maura could see the fear and uncertainty in her face.
"No, sweetie," Maura assured her quickly. "The reasons that I couldn't see Finn and Emma until now had nothing to do with you. None of this is your fault, and neither Finn nor Emma are mad at you."
"Why couldn't you see them? Didn't you want to? Why didn't you want them?"
Maura closed her eyes to center herself before answering. "I did want to see them, and I did want to be their mom. I do want to be their mom. I wanted to be their mom just as much as I wanted to be your mom, and I wanted to be your mom just as much as I wanted to be their mom.
"Sometimes, grown-ups have things going on in their lives that mean they can't take care of their baby, no matter how much they want to. When a parent can't take care of their baby, they make a plan to find someone who can take care of them. That person or those people then become the baby's parents too. When Emma and Finn were born, there were some bad things happening in my life. Absolutely none of those bad things were Emma or Finn's faults. However, those bad things meant that I couldn't take care of Emma and Finn the way they needed. It didn't mean that I didn't love them or that I didn't want them.
"Because I couldn't take care of them, I made a plan for Jane to become their mom. I knew that she would love them and want them just as much as I did. By the time you were born, those bad things weren't happening in my life anymore. I was able to be the mom that you needed me to be, which is why you stayed with me."
Maura paused to let Sophie take in everything she had just said. Maura knew that this situation was much more complicated than a three-year-old could understand, but she hoped that Sophie at least understood the important parts. She hoped that Sophie understood that she and her sisters were loved and wanted.
When Sophie didn't say anything, Maura continued, "I know that this is all very confusing, but I want you to know that you can ask me anything and I'll do my best to answer all of your questions."
Sophie nodded but remained silent.
"The most important thing for you to know is that I am your mom, no matter what. I love you with all my heart, and I wanted to be your mom from the second I found out I was pregnant. I will always want to be your mom, and I will always love you," Maura paused and picked up Sophie, holding her close. "I also love Emma and Finn with all my heart even when they're mad at me and even when they yell at me. There's nothing that any of you can do that would make me love you any less."
"Harper, too?" Sophie asked.
"Yes, of course," Maura said. "I love Harper with all my heart too. I love all four of you more than anything. And Jane loves you too, just like she loves Emma, Finn, and Harper. You and your sisters all have two people who want to be your mom and love you very much."
Maura gave Sophie a kiss on the forehead before asking, "Do you have any questions?"
Sophie shook her head, but Maura could tell that she was still confused. Maura held Sophie tight against her chest trying to pour all of her love into the hug. "I love you so much, sweetie," she whispered as she rubbed Sophie's back.
"I love you, too," Sophie replied.
Maura carried Sophie out of the master bathroom and down to the guest room. Their conversation returned to lighter topics as Sophie started telling her more about her day at school with Harper the day before.
Jane: June, Present Day
Jane sat down on the couch, picking up Harper and pulling her into her lap. They sat in silence for a few minutes just watching TV – well, Harper was watching whatever was on the TV; Jane was staring absently at the TV without taking anything in. She couldn't think of anything other than Finn, Emma, and Maura.
Jane had thought that Emma and Finn knew how much they were loved and wanted by both her and Maura. It's not that she was naïve enough to think that they wouldn't still deal with issues of abandonment – she had read nearly everything she could get her hands on about raising adopted kids (as well as about raising twins). She knew that even kids who were adopted into loving, healthy families like theirs still needed to work through their feelings about the adoption. She also knew that their situation, while healthy and loving, was complicated, and Maura coming home was bound to bring up difficult emotions. Still, knowing this and seeing her kids live it were two different things.
Eventually, Harper turned in her lap, pulling Jane from her thoughts. "Why was Finn yelling at mommy?" she asked quietly.
"Well, you know how Finn and Emma are adopted?"
"Yes, they are my family by choice because they didn't grow inside your tummy," Harper said proudly, poking her finger at Jane's stomach.
Jane chuckled. "Yes, exactly, but even though they're our family by choice, it's hard for them to understand why they couldn't be with mommy, too," Jane tried to explain.
"But I wasn't with mommy either?" Harper questioned.
"Right, but mommy didn't grow you in her tummy, so it's a little different," Jane tried again, but she could tell by Harper's face that she wasn't understanding. "Just…you don't need to worry about it right now, okay?"
"But…"
"Note, I know you're confused, but I think I…it's not something you need to worry about right now. Finn is going to be fine, so are Emma and Sophie. All four of you will be okay."
"But…" Harper tried again.
"Harper, please," Jane pleaded. She knew she wasn't being fair to Harper, but she just couldn't have this conversation with Harper before having it with Emma and Finn. "We will all talk as a family later, okay?"
Harper searched her mother's face as she tried to decide whether to argue. Jane knew that Harper hated being left out, but she was also pretty sure Harper had never heard her sound so defeated. She wasn't proud of it, but she hoped that the little girl would realize this and take pity on her.
"Fine," Harper huffed as she turned back to the TV. Jane could hear the annoyance in her voice, but at the moment, she didn't care as long as Harper dropped the conversation.
They both looked up when they heard a door upstairs open. Maura was carrying Sophie from the master bedroom to the guest room. She noticed Jane and Harper watching and said over the railing, "We'll be right down. I'm just going to change."
"Okay, thanks," Jane replied.
Five minutes later, Sophie ran down the stairs with Maura following behind slowly. Jane stood up and placed Harper back on the couch as Sophie and Maura reached the living room.
"I'm going to go talk to Finn and Emma," Jane said to Maura.
"Okay, I'll stay with Sophie and Harper, but just call me if you need me, okay?" Maura replied, and Jane could hear the fear the other woman was trying so hard to hide.
Jane nodded before going upstairs. She paused outside Emma and Finn's door, taking a deep breath to calm herself before knocking and entering.
Both girls looked up from where they were lying on their beds.
"Do you guys wanna talk?" Jane asked softly. Both girls looked at each other for confirmation before nodding simultaneously. Tilting her head towards the door, she suggested, "Let's go to my room." She watched as both of them marked their pages in their books before walking past her out the door.
Jane shut the door behind them as the three of them climbed onto the bed. Jane sat cross-legged in her spot near the head of the bed while Emma and Finn mirrored her position so that they were sitting in a circle (or was triangle more accurate?) facing each other.
Jane took a deep breath. "You know how I told you that sometimes bad things happen that mean that parents can't take care of their kids?" she asked slowly. "Well, I'm going to tell you guys a little more about why mommy couldn't take care of you when you were born and why that's changed now. I think you are both old enough to know more, but there are still some things that we're going to wait until your older to talk about."
"Something bad happened to mommy?" Emma asked sadly.
"Yeah, bean, something bad happened to mommy, but she's okay now, and that's what's most important."
"What happened to her?" Emma asked.
Jane paused as she tried to decide how much to tell them and how to do it in a way that they would understand without being scared. "Well, you know how we've talked about what you should do if you see someone hurting another person?
"Yeah, we should tell an adult – like if a kid is hitting another kid on the playground or saying really mean things. But not if it's just teasing because I don't want to be a tattletale," Finn added, causing Jane to chuckle.
"You are a tattletale," Emma said to Finn.
"No, I'm not!" Finn said, her voice rising in her annoyance at her sister. Jane could tell this was heading towards an argument and they were getting off topic.
"Okay, okay, stop," she said quickly, and they both looked back at her. "You're getting a little off topic."
"So, mommy told on someone?" Emma asked. "But that's the right thing to do, right?"
"Yeah, you're right. Mommy did do the right thing," Jane said. "But, adults are capable of doing really really bad things, and what mommy had to tell about was one of those really bad things."
"Like killing people?" Finn asked, her voice full of interest and fascination – something Jane wasn't quite sure how she felt about.
"Well, yes," Jane said, caught off guard. She hadn't expected them to jump so quickly to murder. In fact, she hadn't even been planning on telling them what the 'bad thing' was that Maura had to testify about, at least not until they were older.
"Did they kill lots of people like the Nazis?" Emma asked.
"What?" Jane said, even more confused than a moment before.
"In the Magic Tree House book, Teddy told Jack and Annie that the Nazis killed lots of people," Emma explained.
Jane blinked in astonishment for a few minutes. If the girls are this smart at six, she's going to be in trouble when they're teens. "Um, okay, hold on," Jane stumbled over her words. "The Nazis were a number of people. The Holocaust was one of the worst moments in history, so let's set that aside for now."
"Uh, okay, but did the bad person that mommy told on kill people?" Finn asked.
"Jesus," Jane said quietly under her breath – quiet enough that the girls couldn't make out what she said. This was not going the way she had expected at all. "Yes, the man that mommy reported – told on – had murdered people. That means he had killed people."
"But I don't understand. You said something bad happened to mommy but telling on the bad man was good…right?" Emma questioned.
"Yes, but the thing is the man was mad at mommy for telling on him."
"Because he got in trouble?" Finn asked.
"Yes, he got in a lot of trouble because of what mommy knew."
"Who did she tell?" Emma asked.
"She told the FBI, which is kinda like the police for the whole country," Jane explained.
"Like Uncle Frankie and Aunt Nina!" Finn added excitedly.
"Yes, Uncle Frankie and Aunt Nina are police detectives for the city of Boston, but there are people who do the same job at the federal level. That just means that they investigate crimes that take place in more than one place. That's who mommy told, but like I was saying, the bad man didn't like that mommy told on him," Jane paused, unsure if she should say the next part, but Emma decided for her.
"So, he did something bad to mommy?" she asked fearfully.
"No, but he wanted to," she said. "He wanted to hurt mommy because he was mad at her, but there are good people who work with the police whose job it is to protect the people that bad people want to hurt. However, the only way they can keep people safe is by hiding them."
"So, they hid mommy?" Finn asked.
"Yes, they hid mommy so that the bad man and his friends couldn't find her, but in order to do so, they also had to hide her from all the good people in her life, too."
"Why?" Emma asked.
"Because that's the only way they know how to keep people safe. It's awful, and it's really really hard for the person who's being hidden because they aren't allowed to see any of their family or friends."
"But then why did Sophie get to stay with her?" Finn asked, and Jane could hear the pain and hurt in her voice.
"It's really complicated, but I'll try my best to explain it," Jane paused. She wasn't ready to tell them that the bad man was also their biological father, so she decided to focus on the timing. "When someone reports a crime…I mean, when an adult tells on a bad person who did something really bad like killing another person, they have to tell lots of people as part of what's called a trial. During a trial, a group of people called a jury have to decide whether they believe what the person is saying."
"But mommy can't lie," Emma injected.
Jane chuckled. "Yeah, but the people she had to tell didn't know that. But the trial isn't what's important. My point is that this takes time. It happens over months to years. Well, mommy was still going through this when she was pregnant with you guys. That meant that it was possible for the bad guys to find out about you guys, but you don't have to worry, okay. You're safe, and mommy is safe now too. But mommy was afraid that the bad people might try to hurt her by hurting you guys."
Jane really wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing by telling them all of this. She knew it was likely to scare them, but she hoped that knowing the truth would help them work through all of the issues that their history would bring up. She wanted more than anything to protect them. She wanted to protect them from the realities of the world. She wanted to protect them from the dangers that could hurt them. But the truth was, they were already hurting. And if they had to hurt, it seemed better that they were scared by the truth than that they believed their mom didn't want them.
"The bad man wanted to hurt me and Emma?" Finn asked.
"No, because he didn't know that you were mommy's daughters. Mommy loves you guys so much, and she wanted to be with you. It hurt her more than you could possibly know to not be with you guys, but it was more important to her that you guys were safe and happy than that she was happy."
"Mommy wasn't happy?" Finn asked quietly.
"She was very sad that she couldn't see you guys."
"Like you were sad that you couldn't see mommy?" Emma asked.
Jane chuckled lightly. "Even more," she added truthfully.
"Wow, that's a lotta sad," Emma said.
"Yeah, it is," Jane replied sadly. "But she did it to keep you guys safe."
"But what about Sophie?" Finn asked.
"Well, you remember how I told you that mommy had to tell lots of people what she knew while she was pregnant with you guys?" Jane said, and they both nodded. "She was done with that by the time Sophie was born."
"Did they believe her?" Emma asked.
"Yes, they did," Jane said simply. "And when she was done telling them and they believed her, they hid her in a new place. In this new place, no one knew that she was the person who told on the bad man. That meant that no one was trying to hurt her anymore." Jane knew this was a simplified version of everything, but she had already told them more than she had ever planned to at this age. What they needed to know now was that Maura was safe, they were safe, and their sisters were safe. "If no one was trying to hurt mommy, then they wouldn't try to hurt her children. At that point, though, you were already with me, and mommy wasn't allowed to talk to me or anyone else because if she did, the bad people might be able to find her."
"How?" Emma asked, her face scrunched in confusion as she tried to understand everything Jane was telling them.
"I don't really know how to explain it. Basically…okay, so you know how when you play hide and seek with Harper and she knows where one of you guys are hiding while the other person is looking for you guys…"
"And she always gives us away because she looks at us and giggles!" Emma said dramatically.
Jane laughed. "Yes, exactly. This isn't a game, but it's the same idea. If somebody knew where mommy was hiding, the bad people might be able to find her by watching the people who knew where she was. Therefore, no one was allowed to know where she was."
"Not even you?" Finn asked.
"Not even me," Jane confirmed. "Look, I know this is hard to understand, but I want you to know that you guys are safe, mommy is safe, and Sophie and Harper are safe. No one wants to hurt you guys, okay?"
"Uhhhh, 'kay," Finn said slowly. "But why can mommy see us now?"
"Well, because the bad man died," Jane said, deciding once again on the truth, even if they were probably too young to hear it.
"Oh," Finn said.
"Okay, so, mommy told on a bad man. That made him mad, so he wanted to hurt mommy and me and Finn…" Emma said.
Jane cut her off. "He never wanted to hurt you and Finn," Jane said quickly. "Mommy didn't let it get to that point. That's why she asked me to be your mama. The bad man didn't want to hurt you guys because he didn't know that mommy was your mom, too."
"Mommy pretended not to be our mommy so that he wouldn't be mad at us too?" Finn asked.
"She didn't pretend not to be your mommy. It's…well, you know how we talk about family by blood and family by choice? And whether they are related by blood or choice doesn't change the fact that they are family?"
"Yeah," Emma said while Finn nodded.
"Well, people can also be family legally. This means that the government recognizes that they are family."
"What?" Emma said, and Jane could tell by both of their faces that they had no idea what she was talking about.
Jane sighed. "I don't really know how to explain it," she said resignedly. "I guess, the best way to explain it is that the bad man didn't know our family well enough to know who was family by love. Mommy was always your mom. She has always loved you, she has always wanted to be your mom, and she has never pretended not to be. However, legally, you are my daughters, not mommy's. That means absolutely nothing about how much mommy loves you or about whether or not mommy is your family. All it means is that the bad man wouldn't know that you guys were mommy's family."
"But you're mommy's family, too," Finn questioned.
"Yeah, but he didn't know that either," Jane said simply, deciding against trying to explain the legal aspects of their situation. She knew that they weren't going to understand that part right now, and the truth was, the legal part didn't really matter.
"So, mommy couldn't be with us because we're older than Sophie?" Emma said.
"Basically, yes," Jane said, again deciding that, while oversimplified, this was close enough to the truth.
"I don't really understand why though," Emma added.
"I know, but you will when you're older, okay?" Jane asked. "What we've talked about today is already a lot for you guys to understand. We will keep talking about it as you get older, and you can always ask questions, but what I want you to know right now is that mommy loves you and wants to be your mom – and she always has. I have also always loved you both, and I love being your mom. Mommy didn't stay away from you guys because she didn't want to see you or because she loved Sophie more than you guys. She did what she did to keep you safe."
"Even though it made her sad," Finn said.
"Even though it made her really sad," Jane repeated. "Come here," she added, holding out her arms for a hug. Both girls instantly fell into her arms, returning her hug with equal enthusiasm. "I love you guys so much. I know this is hard. Everything you are feeling is okay. It's okay if you're mad or sad or happy."
"I shouldn't have yelled at mommy," Finn said sadly as she sat back on the bed.
"Yelling probably wasn't the best way to express your emotions, but you guys are dealing with something that is harder than most adults can handle. You have no idea how proud I am of both of you for how well you've been handling everything over the past week. Yes, yelling at mommy was a bad choice, but you both have made so many more good choices than bad ones. Everyone makes bad decisions when they're confused or hurt."
"Even you?" Finn asked.
Jane chuckled. "Yes, even me," she admitted. In an attempt to divert the conversation from going more into her own mistakes, she added, "Mommy would like a chance to talk to you guys, too. Would it be okay if I asked her to come upstairs to join us? I'll stay unless you guys want to talk to mommy alone."
"We want you to stay," Finn said quickly.
"Okay, I'm going to go get mommy," Jane said as she stood up, groaning slightly as her body protested about being in the same position for so long. Walking into the hall, she leaned on the banister, looking down over the family room where Maura was sitting with Sophie and Harper, both of whom were finally dressed for the day. "Hey, Maur," she called down. "Will you…"
"I'm coming," Maura cut her off as she stood from the couch, handing Harper the remote so that she and Sophie could watch TV while they talked upstairs.
Jane waited for Maura at the top of the stairs. She could see the nervousness in Maura's features as Maura tried to read Jane's face. "It's okay," Jane assured her. "They're okay."
Maura nodded, and Jane took her hand, leading her into the bedroom. Finn surprised both women by launching herself into Maura's arms. Maura kneeled to catch her, holding her close against her body. "I'm sorry mommy," Finn whimpered. "I love you. I want you to be my mommy. I'm sorry I said I didn't. I didn't mean it." Finn pulled back, her face a mask of nervousness and contrition as she nervously awaited Maura's reaction.
"Oh, sweetie," Maura said thickly as tears burned in the corners of her eyes. "I love you so much. I know you didn't mean it. I'm not mad at you. I was never mad at you."
Finn nodded and glanced back at Jane as though checking to make sure Jane believed what Maura was saying as well. Jane smiled and reached out to pick up Finn. She carried her over to the bed and returned her to her position next to Emma.
Maura tried to wipe away her tears as she followed Jane and Finn to the bed, where she joined their circle to the left of Jane. Jane reached over to grab Maura's hand, giving it a soft squeeze before she started explaining what they had talked about. "Okay, so, you should know that I told Emma and Finn a little bit more about what happened," Jane started.
"You did the right thing," Emma said suddenly as she leaned across the circle, cupping Maura's cheek much like she had seen Jane do when comforting the kids. "We know it made you sad but telling on the bad man was the right thing to do," Emma said firmly.
Maura glanced at Jane; confusion written all over her face.
"I'll fill you in later," Jane said to Maura, too burnt out to rehash the full conversation. "But the important thing is that they know that you were sad that you couldn't be with them, but that you did it to keep them safe."
"Because you love us more than you wanted to be happy," Finn added.
Maura blinked back tears as she tried to find her words. "I love you both so much. I love you and your sisters more than anything. I will always want you to be safe and happy more than I want myself to be happy," she choked out.
"But we want you to be happy, too," Emma said.
Maura nodded as she squeezed Jane's hand that was still linked with hers. "I know, and I'm so happy to be here with you guys now," she said genuinely.
"Because the bad man died," Finn said bluntly, causing Maura to glance at Jane again.
Jane nodded. "It was safe for mommy to come home because the bad man died," she said simply.
"But we were never in danger because the bad man didn't know that you're our mommy," Emma added.
Maura nodded as she used her free hand to wipe away the tears that were still streaming down her face, her other hand retaining its firm grip on Jane's hand.
"I love you both so much. I would do anything to keep you and your sisters happy and safe. I never stopped loving you, and I never stopped wanting to be with you," Maura said, emotion permeating every word.
"We love you too," Finn said quietly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"It's okay, sweetie. There is absolutely nothing you could do that would make me love you any less. I love you even when you're angry with me. I love you even when you yell at me."
Finn sighed and leaned forward so that her head was resting on her hand while she rubbed tiredly at her eyes. Jane could see how tired the little girl was, and she decided they had probably had enough for now.
"Do you guys have any more questions for me or mommy?" Jane asked.
"No," they both replied.
"Okay, why don't you guys go downstairs. I'm going to talk to mommy for just a minute. Then, we'll be down for lunch. We won't be long, I promise," Jane said.
"'Kay," Finn said while Emma nodded. They started to climb off the bed, but Jane stopped them.
"Wait!" she said quickly. "Hugs first!"
They both smiled as they crawled over to Jane first before offering Maura a hug. Maura and Jane both watched the girls leave the room until they disappeared down the stairs.
Maura turned to look at Jane, who had her arms open to receive the other woman. Maura instantly collapsed against her.
"They're okay, Maur," she whispered into her hair. "They're okay. I told them more than I had planned to. They didn't understand everything, but they understood the important parts."
Maura nodded against Jane's chest. Jane kissed the top of Maura's head before adding, "Let's go have lunch. We can talk more during nap time. I'm gonna suggest Finn and Emma take a nap, too, today, but either way, they'll at least have quiet reading time."
Maura sat up, once again trying to wipe the tears away. She locked eyes with Jane before whispering, "Thank you."
"I love you," Jane replied, leaning forward for a soft, chaste kiss.
"I love you, too," Maura whispered against Jane's lips before giving her another kiss.
A/N: I'd love to say I'll get the next chapter out in the next few days, but I get my second shot this week, so I suppose my writing will depend on how I feel afterwards. In the meantime, much love to all of you!