Ressler's family stayed for three days before they returned home. The first day they spent inside, playing games and re-acting storylines of times past. They had a coloring contest and watched Disney for the benefit of Agnes, who they let skip preschool, because it was a special visit. At night, after Agnes was in bed, they watched Pearl Harbor because Liz didn't believe that none of them had ever seen it. She found out that Lisa was right when she said Ressler cried watching sad movies.
The second day they all went to the zoo. At first Liz wasn't sure it was a great idea, but Ressler wanted to get out, he hated being the reason that they couldn't do things. So he took his wheelchair and wheeled himself around with them or let them push him. The entire zoo was paved anyway. Afterwards they went out for supper. It was a long day, and tiring, but everyone was so happy that there was no regrets.
The last day, Liz and Agnes took Lisa shopping in the DC malls while Robbie and Don stayed home and had a hardcore videogame contest and played on the guitar or whatever else brothers do. The age gap between them made it so that they weren't that close to each other growing up, but now that they were both adults it was easier and their relationship was on the mend. That night they had a lazy night, grilling an elaborate BBQ on Ressler's attached porch and helping Agnes make a bird feeder from a pinecone and peanut butter.
The adults were all up early the next day, so they could get a headstart on the drive. While they packed up thier things, Lisa pulled Liz aside and shared her thoughts.
"He loves you Liz. I haven't seen him like this since Audrey, never thought I would again to be honest. He's so serious so much of the time. You bring out his light side, you help him be the best person he can be. Thank-you for that. Watch him please, as he gets through this. He needs help, he needs you. And if you need help you call me anytime okay, night or day."
"I will" Liz assured her, "thanks for coming. I loved meeting you, I hope we see each other again soon."
"Oh absolutely, and I loved meeting you too. The woman amazing enough for my boy - wasn't sure I'd see the day. Come here" said his Mom, pulling her into a goodbye hug.
Then Robbie and Ressler entered the room with the rest of the bags.
"Talking about me?" asked Ressler.
"Maybe" said Liz and his Mom at the same time and then they burst out laughing.
His Mom hugged him too and they said goodbye, agreeing that they would have to visit somehow again soon.
When they left Ressler turned to Liz and asked, "what did she say?"
"Oh nothing" said Liz. "Just that you are the real deal and not to let you go."
"Funny," said Ressler as she wrapped her arms around him. "Robbie just told me the exact same thing about you."
"I wish they could have stayed longer" said Liz. "Even if it was a little cramped in here."
"Me too" said Ressler, then he sighed.
"But life goes on" said Liz. "Maybe we will have to go see them next time.
All in all they were good days, Liz wasn't sure she'd ever felt as much a part of something as she did those few days.
There were elaborate meals and long conversations, sometimes serious and sometimes full of laughter.
Ressler hauled out his guitar and played for the first time in a long time, and the first time Liz had ever heard him. He played very well, she realized, even if he was a little rusty.
Agnes reveled in the endless attention and Liz worried that she would be hard to handle when the sudden excess left again.
For the first time in her life Liz knew what it felt like to be part of a real family. She never wanted to let that go. She swore she would do what it took to make sure she stayed a part of that family forever.
Ressler seemed the best he'd been since the accident happened while his family was there, but it faded almost as soon as they left. Liz had thought that might happen. While they were there he was distracted. He had something besides himself and his injuries to focus on.
Even after they had gone and it was just the three of them at home for two more days he seemed to be - well - stable was a good word. Maybe it was because Liz distracted him or because he didn't want to be vulnerable in front her, she didn't know, but he managed to keep up appearances.
It wasn't until the sixth day out of the hospital, when she had returned to work and Agnes was in preschool, while he was stuck alone at home with hours where there was nothing to do but think that he started slipping.
He couldn't go for a run, couldn't workout, couldn't even clean the house or make dinner. He had been through every channel on the TV and his entire DVD collection and there was nothing good left. He couldn't settle into a book because his mind kept wandering, he couldn't take a nap because he couldn't fall asleep. He couldn't do anything and it was driving him crazy.
Liz noticed when she got home on the third day, that he seemed more off than before. He had an attitude, he was being short and not talking. Even at dinner when she told him that Aram had seen Reddington come into the Post Office to talk to Cooper while she was out, he just shrugged. He didn't seem to care at all that the man that complicated their lives had reappeared out of thin air.
For Liz's part, her new strategy was to ignore Reddington altogether. She knew that the work they did was important and she willing to let it continue, but Reddington would have to talk directly to Cooper, because Liz was cutting ties.
Ressler didn't seem to pay much attention when she said at much to him though, even though she knew he heard every word. He didn't eat much and after dinner when Agnes asked him to read her a story he told her to ask Mom.
Liz knew what was going on, or she thought so anyway. It wasn't anything new really, it was just an accumulation of everything. It had been over 3 weeks since he was shot and the reality that this was his life now was just starting to set in. He was angry and scared and feeling a little sorry for himself, and he had the right she supposed. But boy, was she glad that he had a doctor's appointment the next day, maybe they would give him some good news.
So she read Agnes a story and listened to her talk about her day at preschool and tucked her in bed. When she was sleeping Liz went back out to the living room where Ressler sat on the couch. She sat down on the far end, keeping distance between them for the first time ever. She didn't like it at all, but that's what he needed.
"She's asking about you. Wants to know if Daddy's okay"
He didn't acknowledge her but again she knew he had heard her.
"Don, can you talk to me?" she asked carefully after a minute or two.
He shook his head, not very verbal tonight.
"What's going on? What are feeling?"
He shrugged and turned his head away, but she had seen the tremor of his bottom lip.
"Are you angry?"
He nodded emphatically.
"Scared?" Then just a tiny nod.
"Hurt?" He shrugged again, still not looking at her.
"What's wrong? I want to help you, but you need to talk to me so I know how to help. Just tell me what's going on in your head, what are you feeling right now?"
He sucked in a lungful of air, as though gathering courage and turned to look at her. His eyes swam in tears, though none fell yet. She slid a little closer to him and reached for his hand. He let her pick it up and hold it, though he didn't really make any move himself. He let his head fall back on the couch and the change in position made a few tears leave his eyes, heading for his ears. He made no move to wipe them away, so she did before they entered.
"Are you angry?" she asked again.
This time instead of nodding he actually spoke. "Pissed. Livid."
"At who?" she asked.
"I don't know. The Transporter for doing this to me. God for letting it happen. I don't know. Why me? I know life's not fair, but still. Why me?"
"I know, Don. I know." There was no answer, not anymore than there ever had been. "But The Transporter's going to pay. He's already sitting in isolation."
"Good" said Ressler.
"What else?" asked Liz. "Are you scared?"
Ressler just nodded again. He didn't know how to talk about that, especially not with her.
"What are you scared of?" she pushed. "Don, please tell me. Work? Never healing? What is it?"
She was begging him to talk and he didn't want to deny her. He inhaled again, and let it all out. "Yah, that too. And of losing you."
"Why?"
"Well work because I've been gone a while and it's going to be longer yet before I can come back. But you guys seem to be managing fine with out me. I used to be number two around there and now I'm gonna come back and you guys will all have moved on and I won't fit in the same. I'll just be the guy who got hurt."
"No you won't, Don. You'll fit back in. We miss you at work. That place doesn't run the same without you. The people there, they look up to you. Cooper misses you, you are the best agent there and we all know it. We need you in the field again, we are all waiting for you to come back. We are just lucky that there haven't been many field calls lately."
"You sure?"
"Yah! Tell you what, let's go by tomorrow after the doctors appointment. You can hang out there as well as here. Sound good?"
"Yah? Yah!" said Ressler quickly.
"Okay, and what about what you said about me?" asked Liz. She wasn't letting him off the hook. "Why are you scared of losing me?"
"Because Liz. This isn't fair to you. You didn't sign up for this. I believe that you love me, I do - I can feel it - at least I think I can. But you shouldn't have to be here, looking after me like this."
"Oh Don. Come on. You telling me that if the tables were turned you would be anywhere but taking care of me. I know better than that - we both do."
"Yah I guess" said Ressler with a small smile. "But-"
"But what?" encouraged Liz when he stopped.
"But it's more than that" said Ressler. "It's - it's - what if I never heal Liz? Than what? What if we can't ever make love? Let alone have a baby? I know that's important to you and you know how much it means to me. I don't know if I could ever - if I can't do those things than I don't know if I can be with you. I want to be a man for you, I can't survive being less. I'm sorry if that's selfish, but I really think it would kill me.
"And I think that someday you are going to wake up and realize you can't do it anymore either and you're going to leave. And Agnes will go with you. And I won't have anything to stop you. And it terrifies me, because I can't survive without you either. So I thought it would be better not to get close to you, but than I realized it's too late. I already am. And I love Agnes as though she were mine. So now I'm stuck here. I love you but I can't show you and it's killing me inside. And if I let you leave it will still be the end of me. I don't know what to do. What do I do Liz?"
"You can start by kissing me and holding me tonight. Then tomorrow we are going to the doctor-" said Liz, trying to help.
"Yah but see, that's the thing" said Ressler. "You don't understand, Liz. Everytime I kiss you, I'm just reminded that that's all I can do. And I want to kiss you - I do, but everytime it gets a little more difficult because all I can think about is what if kissing you is all I can ever do? What if this is my life now? It's been three weeks Liz. I haven't gone three weeks without an erection in almost 30 years, since I was a kid. I don't even feel like a man anymore. I thought that something would be happening by now. I mean, my skin is healing, I have scars, but all the scabs and stitches are gone. My shoulder has healed a lot. The bruises are almost gone. My ribs hardly hurt anymore. And I know my hip bone takes 6 weeks, but my junk? It's flesh Liz. Why isn't it at least progressing like everything else. Shouldn't it be starting to improve by now?"
"I don't know, Don. We are meeting with the doctors tomorrow, we will ask then. Listen if you can't kiss me and hold me I'll understand. I can sleep with Agnes tonight-"
"No - I - I don't want that either. See what I mean Liz? I want you still. I want to kiss you and hold you. And I love sleeping next to you, cause we both sleep best that way. I just - I'm confused. I feel like I'm in a big black hole and you're at the top and you're at the bottom and I'm just hanging there in between in the air and I don't know what to do."
Oh God, it must feel horrible, she realized. He really was stuck, and she was the only one that could give him hope. He relied on her so completely it scared her. But it seemed that tonight he was being more open then usual, and more - emotional.
"Well, then, you can start by believing me when I say - I'm not going anywhere Don. And as hard as it might be, one way or another we are going to get you back, okay? All the way. We will talk with he doctors tomorrow and see what's happening, at least try and get a timeline, okay. Something concrete, so you don't feel like your dangling. Would that help?"
"A lot. The not knowing is the worst part Liz. I've never been good with not knowing. I need to know."
"I know you do. Come on, let's go to bed. I won't push you or anything, you do what feels right, but I want to sleep next to you. Is that okay?"
"Yah" agreed Ressler and she helped him up and into their room.
She knew it must be hard, but she thought she had helped. But when he didn't kiss her or hold her, she wasn't so sure. Maybe she had underestimated the situation. She knew what she said, but she was still a little disappointed when he simply lay next to her and fell asleep. She could feel him, they lay close enough that their shoulders touched and he had grabbed her hand and interlinked their fingers, but that was all.
Man, I hope the doctors have good news, she thought. She couldn't fall asleep. It hurt to see the man she loved in so much pain. It seemed that the more his physical pain subsided, the more his emotional pain accumulated. She hoped she was strong enough to help him.