I don't own Stardew Valley, just the plot and OCs.
The next morning, Sebastian got an automated reminder for his appointment with Dr. Tan the following day. He debated for a while whether or not to attend his session. He was in a much different headspace than he had been at his appointment over the summer. He certainly had not had any panic attacks recently. Ultimately Sebastian decided that the session couldn't hurt, and maybe he could work on preparing himself for having the conversation with Mariah about his dad. He wasn't there yet, but he knew it was coming. It would also be nice to feel a bit better in situations where Mariah is being social, like the incident with Alex.
His thoughts wandered back to the previous day. Were he and Mariah moving too fast? Is that why they had argued? Even if it still didn't quite feel like an argument. And she had shared some of her sexual history with him, was that a normal thing this early? Oh but Yoba did groping her feel a-maz-ing. He'd been quite fond of the cuddling too. It was not a typical Sebastian kind of behavior, and seemed somehow more intimate than when they were kissing. But you want to do it more. Even sober you want to melt into that moment. He felt dreadfully clueless as to what a 'normal' relationship should be like. If you're moving too fast maybe it'll be too much for you and you'll freak out and push her away. Or maybe just the freak out will scare her away. Or worse, you'll move too fast and she'll come to better understand how inexperienced you are and want something else. But if you move too slowly she'll get bored and get sick of trying to support you through the relationship because she wants more than just what you're giving her.
Sebastian caught himself spiraling and took a deep breath. What were those mindfulness skills Dr. Tan had taught him? He couldn't remember exactly, but he knew that it had something to do with engaging his senses. She's also definitely said something about an anchoring point right? He picked up the frozen tear from his desk, and did his best to focus all of his attention on it. Despite how long he had it, it still felt cool to the touch. It was smooth, and thought it was translucent, it was a challenge to see through it to the other side. Though it came to a point, it was not sharp. Sebastian wasn't sure if he was doing it right, but he felt more in control. Time to challenge the thought. Mariah has said, more than once, that she just wants to spend time with you. She values communication so why would she lie about that? If she doesn't like something or isn't happy she will tell you. Hell even if things don't work out, I doubt she'd just up and leave, she's more likely to talk to you about it first. But she likes spending time with you and likes talking to you. And what difference does it make what a "normal" relationship is like. This is your relationship, just do what feels right and don't worry about if you're moving too fast or too slow, and trust Mariah like you want her to trust you.
He wasn't sure if he believed all of that, but he was certain some of it was true, and that was enough to calm his thoughts. Since he was up early, he decided to read the Arctic Rush he'd borrowed from Mariah before the band practice that had been rescheduled from the day before. He'd almost finished it when his calendar alert chirped on his phone. With a frustrated sigh, he slipped a bookmark in to keep his place, and made his way to Sam's house.
Band practice was pretty typical, just with a lot of Abby's excited chatter sprinkled in with a "And thank you guys sooo much for my party" as if they'd really had anything to do with it.
They were packing up when practice was over, "Oh Seb, I almost forgot," Abby said pulling something out of her bag, "Mariah asked me to give this to you"
She handed him the next volume of Arctic Rush, "Oh thanks Abby. This is great."
"Yeah no problem! And thanks for letting her borrow your console too. I've definitely used it more than she has," Abby bounced with excitement.
"Uh yeah, sure," Sebastian shrugged.
As he made his way home, he sent a text to Mariah
"You must be a mind reader or something. Just about done with the first volume. Thanks"
"Man you are a slacker," she responded, "I figured you'd have been long done with it by now. That was your Friday night fun right?"
"Haha. Got busy with work. And then saving you. Didn't get into it until this morning."
"Well enjoy. I've got the 3rd one when you're ready for it"
Sebastian thought about asking what she was doing. Or telling her that he missed her. Or asking if she wanted to read with him. Or anything. But maybe she needed a break too, so he said nothing. He finished the first Arctic Rush and started on the second one. He got about half way through and decided to save the rest of it for the following day, after his appointment with Dr. Tan. He went out for one last cigarette break, and took a shower, before going to bed, despite not being that tired. He laid in his bed, staring at the darkness of his room, trying to name all of the Cave Saga X characters in alphabetical order, which was proving to be more difficult that he was expecting it to be, and not helping him get even remotely tired.
Apparently he wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping, ad his phone vibrated with a "You up?" text from Mariah.
"Yeah." He responded.
Not even a minute later and she was calling him.
"Can't sleep?" he asked, instead of saying hello.
"No," she said in a hushed tone.
"Me either," he admitted.
"I didn't realize you were trying to sleep," she said, "I figured you were just still up."
"Got to go into the city tomorrow," he explained, "Tried to go to bed early, but I'm just lying here."
"Sorry," she apologized, "That's the worst. Are you going early?"
"Not really early," he explained, "But early enough. Leaving here at 10. I was trying to come up with all the Cave Saga characters in alphabetical order to put me to sleep, but it was hard, and just infuriating and didn't help."
Mariah laughed softly, "What counting sheep isn't good enough for you?"
"Nah, I'd be too busy wondering what you'd name them if they lived on your farm," he teased.
"Well now you've gone and ruined that for me," she laughed, "Although that might be a good way to fall asleep, coming up with names for sheep. But then if I thought of a good one, I'd be pissed if I ended up forgetting in the morning."
"You'd remember if it were that good."
"I think I'll name my next sheep Arabella," Mariah mused.
"Why Arabella?" Sebastian asked.
"I dunno, it just came to me"
"Is that what always happens?"
"Mostly yeah," he could hear her shifting in her bed, "I just sort of look at them and the name comes to me."
"I'm impressed you remember them all"
"It's sort of like remembering people's names," Mariah yawned, "Each animal is different, just like people are different. Plus it's a little easier since I typically only get one at a time, so I get to know them and it's easier to associate their names that way, instead of just all at once."
"Getting tired?" he asked.
"Been tired, just can't sleep. Maybe I just need to steal some of Ash's fluffy feathers to cuddle with"
"I think that was the first time I've ever held a chick before. Unless I held one when I was a kid at the fair or something, but I tend to doubt it. Definitely one of the fluffiest things I've ever experienced."
"It's a shame the feathers can't really be saved when they mature. Although Shane told me that there's certain breeds of chickens that are fluffy as adults. Not quite the same, but much closer than normal chickens. Something to do with the way the feathers grow, that I don't remember now."
"Shane told you that?"
"Yeah, he is super knowledgeable about chickens. He was a big help when I first got Suki."
"Huh. Did you tell him about Ash?"
"Why? Are you jealous?" she teased.
"No," Sebastian said defensively, "Just curious."
"Okay, okay. No I haven't told him. Haven't talked to him in a while actually. He's not my favorite person to talk to. He likes me more than most people and he's still pretty moody most of the time."
"People think I'm moody too you know," he pointed out.
"Bash that's because you are moody sometimes. But you're not rude like Shane is," Mariah yawned again, "I guess I didn't use the right word."
"Am I keeping you up?" he asked, "You keep yawning," he yawned himself.
"Am I keeping you up?" she asked.
"Nope," he said, "That was a solidarity yawn."
"Sure," she laughed.
There was a pause in the conversation, but Sebastian could still hear her breathing so he knew she was still there.
"Riah?" he said softly.
"Yeah?"
"Why did you call me?"
She paused before answering, "Just wanted to hear your voice I guess. Are you annoyed?"
"No"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. I like hearing your voice too."
"I feel like I'm in high school, talking on the phone real quiet because I'm supposed to be asleep and I don't want my dad to catch me and get mad."
"You know you live alone right?" he chuckled lowly, "You don't have to be so quiet if you don't want to."
"Mmm but I'm all cozy in bed and need to sleep. Quiet is good. You're being quiet too, and you don't really need to. No one in your house is that close to your room. As long as you're not screaming I think you're covered."
"Yeah I guess I am. Maybe you're right, it's just the thought of sleeping," he yawned again, "That's making me so quiet."
"You're not exactly loud most of the time anyway," she noted.
"At least I know you're paying attention when I talk," he said.
"Always," she yawned again, and he heard her blankets rustle again, "I'm going to close my eyes, but I don't want to hang up yet, so I'm sorry if I fall asleep on you."
"Is this what you did in high school too?"
"Sometimes, but not usually. Most of the time we'd hang up when we were getting that close to falling asleep. Of course I talk in my sleep from time to time so maybe you won't even notice."
"Doubtful," he chuckled huskily.
"Maybe you should close your eyes too," she suggested.
"Doesn't one of us need to be responsible and hang up?" he asked, turning on his side and closing his eyes anyway.
"Responsibility is for chumps."
"Well you're the expert."
"Have you never stayed up late talking to someone before?"
"Just Sam at sleepovers when we were kids."
"Did you both sleep in sleeping bags on the floor?"
"Sometimes. Sometimes one of us would sleep in bed and the other on the floor."
"You never shared the bed?"
"Just once. We were really too big. And Sam kicked in his sleep."
"Hmm I'm surprised, he strikes me as a cuddler."
"Maybe he is now. I wouldn't know."
"You're a sneaky cuddler."
"And you're not such a sneaky cuddler."
"Mmm wish we were now."
"Oh yeah?"
"Mmmhmm"
"Wouldn't that be distracting?"
"Comforting," Mariah corrected, and Sebastian could hear that she was getting closer to sleep. He wondered what it would be like to cuddle with her all night long.
"Mmm," he agreed
"Bash you're really pretty," she murmured.
"You can't even see me."
"But I know what you look like."
"You really think I'm pretty?"
"Yes. Would you rather I call you handsome?"
"No. That feels like something my mom would say. I just have never thought of myself as pretty."
"Well I think you're pretty"
"Thanks" he blushed.
There was another lull in their conversation and Sebastian nearly dropped his phone as he started to fall asleep. Her breathing was heavier, was she asleep already?
"Goodnight Riah," he whispered.
"Mmm g'night," she mumbled back, "Thanks."
"Mmmhmm," he responded listening to her soft breathing for a moment before hanging up and drifting off to sleep himself.
Sebastian awoke with a start as the alarm from his phone blared next to him in bed. His heart was pounding from the shock of it. He turned off the offending sound with a groan. He lay there for a moment, taking a few breaths to calm his body down. He could hear the rain outside, he'd have to take his mom's truck to his appointment today.
"Good morning Sebastian," Robin said to him as he came upstairs to get his coffee.
"Morning," he grumbled.
"What time do you need to head out?" she asked.
"Planning on leaving at 10, if I can still use the truck?"
"Of course," she smiled, "And you'll be home for dinner?"
"Yeah, I should," he nodded.
"Will you join us tonight? I feel like I haven't seen you in a few days," she asked.
"Sure," he shrugged, "I'm going to get my coffee now."
He made his way to the kitchen before Robin could say anything else to him. He got his cup of coffee and headed back to his room. He booted up his computer as he sipped his coffee. He logged into his email to make a plan for work for the week. Soon it was time to leave, and his ride to Dr. Tan's passed in a blur. He must have been dissociating, which was a bit concerning given the poor weather.
When he was sitting in Dr. Tan's office, he'd reviewed with her he use of coping skills, and then got into all of his updates about what'd been going on between him and Mariah.
"My, it sounds like a lot has transpired since our last session," Dr. Tan mused, "How are you feeling about all this progression?"
"Which part?" Sebastian asked, shifting in his seat.
"Whichever you'd like to comment on."
"I think I'm just waiting for it all to fall apart. I second guess things a lot. Sometimes when I'm with Mariah, but not usually. I can see that things are better and I'm mostly happy, but it doesn't feel real sometimes."
"What makes you think things are going to fall apart?"
"Nothing in particular, really. It's just me. I can recognize that it's all just tied into my self-esteem and abandonment issues, but it's not easy to shake. I worry about all sorts of things. I worry that we're too different socially, that we're moving too fast, or too slow, or that she's going to get bored of me, or that she's going to get sick of dealing with my anxiety, or my inexperience, or worse that I'm going to push her away because that's just what I do. I know I'm not ready quite yet, but I'm worried once I tell her about my past that'll be too much. I'm also worried I'm going to end up with a panic attack in front of her."
"And tell me about how you challenge these thoughts," Dr. Tan prompted further.
"I usually try to take specific things that she's said to me or things that I know about her into consideration. Just sticking to the facts. That tends to help."
"That makes sense as to why things feel easier when you're with her. It seems that you view her as a strong support."
"Mmmhmm," he nodded, "Shouldn't I? Isn't that supposed to be an important part of relationships?"
"Oh absolutely," Dr. Tan agreed, "So given that, why do you think it is that you continue to second guess things the way you are?"
"Because this is still so new for me. And I don't feel like I deserve it. She sees something in me that I struggle to see myself and I worry that she's wrong and it's just a matter of time before she realizes it."
"So here's my concern," Dr. Tan said, crossing her legs, "You're doing fantastic work challenging these negative thoughts with factual things. But these factual things are all based in Mariah and more needs to come from within. It's not a bad thing by any means, especially since you're finding it effective, but this can turn into a slippery slope towards a dependent relationship. There are several things in your favor at the moment, including these disagreements that you've had that you told me didn't make you anxious, the fact that you're giving each other space, and the fact that she seems to value communication and encourages you to express yourself for example. That being said, your self-esteem should not come from your relationship, or from Mariah because, unless there's something significant you haven't shared with me, she's only human. And that's a lot to put on another person, even unintentionally. So I am going to challenge you to come up with your own reasons that Mariah would want to be in a relationship with you. Not things that she's said to you, things that you believe about yourself."
Sebastian grunted in response.
"I know it sounds daunting," Dr. Tan said, "But I will point out to you that the other skills you've been using have been having an impact, so it's time to add to that toolbox."
"Do I have to do it now?"
"That's up to you. You're in the driver's seat here, not me."
Sebastian groaned, "The only thing I can think of is something that she said to me, but I do believe it. Does that count?"
"What is it?"
"That I know who I am and don't pretend to be something I'm not. I may not be confident, and second guess myself, but that is true."
"I think that is a very legitimate starting point," Dr. Tan nodded.
"Ok," Sebastian nodded, "How will I know when I'm ready to talk to her more about my past?"
Dr. Tan chuckled, "What do you think? If I were to ask you that question, what would your response be?"
"I don't know, that's why I asked you," Sebastian grumbled.
"I will share my thoughts, but I'd like you to think about it for a moment and come up with your own first."
Sebastian paused, thinking, "I'm not sure exactly, but I think I'll just know. In the past when I've shared things with her, it wasn't ever planned. It just came out."
Dr. Tan nodded, "That's some good reflection. My thought is that once you have more self-confidence and aren't second guessing yourself so much you will become open to being that vulnerable. I'm going to guess that it's also not going to be an "all or nothing" process where everything is going to come out all at once. I suspect that things will continue to come up piecemeal organically as they have been. I'm also making an educated guess that one of your biggest concerns is how she is going to react to your scars."
"You're not kidding," Sebastian snorted, "I'm pretty terrified of that."
"Let's test your memory, what do you think I'm going to say to that?"
He sighed, "My scars are part of who I am but do not define me."
"That is correct," Dr. Tan smiled.
"She said something like that to me once," Sebastian commented.
"Really?"
"Yeah. We were talking about our own anxieties, and she made some comment about how she wished I could see me the way she sees me. I told her that since she didn't know my history she couldn't see me clearly. She said something along the lines of my past shaped who I am today but doesn't define me because her past doesn't define her. She was so confident."
"Hmm," Dr. Tan said, "It sounds like to me that she's done a lot of her own work around managing whatever's in her past that contributes to her mental health now. How do you think this has affected how you feel about her?"
"Well that fact that she can relate to whatever degree when I'm struggling makes it easier for me to trust her. I feel like she understands me better than most people, and that's why she's so good about giving me space and respecting my boundaries. That's why I'm so much more comfortable around her and why I'm able to communicate as well as I can. I just wish I felt less awkward when she's socializing with other people with me there. I don't know what to do with myself, or what to say to people."
"Like the situation with Alex?"
"Exactly. I don't want to be friends with him or anything, and I don't feel pressured to be, but I just want those situations to not feel so unpleasant."
"Please correct me if I'm wrong, but the visit from Carter seemed okay?"
"Carver," Sebastian corrected, "And yeah, that was okay."
"Carver, I apologize. What do you think the difference is between the two?"
"Well she's known Carver for longer than she's known me."
"And?"
"And they're friends, so he wasn't so bad. I'm not looking for new friends or anything, but I know if we were to hang out we'd have something in common to talk about."
"And you have history with Alex," Dr. Tan pointed out.
"Yeah, I do."
"And history like that can make it hard to feel comfortable. Sebastian it's perfectly fine for you to have space in relationship to allow for her to have these interactions without you there. I am impressed that this is a goal that you have, and I'm sure there will be times that you are together when Mariah will be socializing when you would rather not, but that should not be the norm. Having independent activities outside of the relationship is important. You've identified that is happening, as well as not feeling pressure from Mariah to change how you socialize. For now I think that as long as these situations don't drastically increase, it's okay to sit with that awkward feeling once in a while. You've got enough on your plate to deal with at the moment that can take a backseat."
Sebastian let out a breath, "Thank you. I don't know why I needed permission for that, but thank you."
At the end of the session, Dr. Tan agreed to Sebastian calling for a phone session during the winter if he continued to feel a need to meet with her. When Sebastian got home, he was met by the smell of pumpkin soup.
"Sebby," Robin said, embracing her son, "I'm glad you're home safe."
"Thanks mom," he said.
"So I've got something to share with you," she said, with an unreadable, but not so pleasant expression.
"What?" he asked a pit forming in his stomach.
"So the good news is that we're having pumpkin soup for dinner. Mariah brought us some pumpkins after you left to surprise you. I think she left one in your room actually…"
"The point?"
"Well," Robin sighed, "I made a mistake. I assumed that she knew about your appointment when she told me that she specifically came when she knew you were going to be gone so that it would be a surprise. I made a comment about it, and she made it clear that all she knew was that you were going into the city today, and hadn't asked you questions about it, because she'd figured if you wanted her to know what you were doing you would have told her. Oh Sebby she's such a good egg. She told me she wasn't going to say anything to you about it so that you could have your privacy, but I didn't feel right keeping it from you. I'm so sorry."
Sebastian took a breath and let it out slowly, "It's okay mom. It was an honest mistake."
"And you're not upset that she knows?" Robin studied his face, looking worried.
"It's not a big deal. She's not the type to be judgmental about something like that or anything," Sebastian shrugged.
Robin squeezed him again, "I'm still sorry, but I'm glad you're okay. Was your appointment okay?"
"It was fine," he confirmed.
"Are you going again?"
"Phone next time."
"Okay. Are you ready for dinner?"
"Actually would it be okay if I just ate in my room? I know I said I would eat with everyone..."
"Oh, of course that's fine," Robin nodded, but Sebastian could hear the sadness in her voice.
"Soon, I promise," he said.
He brought his soup to his room, placing it on the table. There was a misshapen pumpkin on his desk with a note taped to it. The note read 'In case you feel like making a video. This one's definitely got the most character'. Sebastian couldn't help but smile after letting out a snort. He sent Mariah a text before sitting down to eat his soup.
"You're ridiculous"
He did not have to wait long for the reply.
"Oh do you not normally record it? Or is it that you're a pumpkin perfectionist?"
"Ha ha. Thank you. I did get pumpkin soup for dinner at least"
"And those weren't even the really good ones. Saving those for my grange display. After tomorrow though I'll share. Should have a second harvest before the end of the season too."
"You don't have to share more. These second rate pumpkins are just fine with me. Just not for fucking with or without being recorded. Not that I want that with the best pumpkins either…"
"I don't have to do anything, but I want to"
"Fine I guess I'll suffer and keep eating delicious soup :P"
"Your mom did show me how she makes it….maybe I'll try it myself"
"Probably just felt guilty for telling you where I was"
"…she told you about that?"
"Yeah. She feels awful about it"
"I wanted to leave you to your privacy. It's none of my business. I'm sorry"
"It's fine. I'm okay with you knowing. It's not like you don't know I have problems. At least now you know I'm trying to work on them"
"I'm still sorry that you didn't get to choose how I found out about it. That's not fair."
"I appreciate it, but I think you're more upset about it than I am. You know I trust you."
"I know. I've just been there before. Telling people you're in therapy and having someone else tell people you're in therapy are very different things. Not the best feels."
"True. So let me tell you then. I'm in therapy. That's where I was today. I've worked with Dr. Tan for years. Until summer I hadn't talked to her in a long while, but I'm glad I went back. It's been helpful. My next appointment is going to be over the phone so I don't have to worry about getting out there in winter. Assuming I want to keep my appointment that is"
"Thank you for sharing. I'm glad that it's helping. I was in therapy for a long time too. I'm not now. I'm not 100% and don't ever expect to be, because that's just impossible, but I'm happy with where I am. I know if I start to not be happy with it I can go back, which is helpful to think about when I'm having a bad day."
"Do you feel better now that we got that out in the open?"
"You know what Bash, I do"
"I think I do too. Now I just need to figure out what to do with this pumpkin."
"I haven't given one to the junimos yet if you don't figure out something better to do with it"
"Somehow I'm going to end up with a fish hoodie and a pumpkin hoodie and you're going to steal both of them and eventually I'm going to get cold because you have all my hoodies"
"Now who's ridiculous?"
"Still you" he teased.
"Will I see you at the fair tomorrow?" she asked after a pause.
"Not my favorite, but yes. I hope you beat Pierre. I'll bring my rabbit's foot just in case for extra luck"
"I'll see you in the morning then :)"
"Good night Riah"
"Good night Bash"