CHAPTER 32
"You have to start talking to me sometime, Mr. Walker. I can wait as long as you can. The only difference is that after we sit here in silence for the next hour, I'll go home to my wife and you'll go back to your room, no closer to getting out of here than you were when you walked in," said Dr. Isaac Jacobs, the chief psychiatrist on staff. He was a balding man with a grey goatee and rosy red cheeks. Jackson guessed he was in his mid-sixties. His eyes disappeared into thin slits whenever he laughed, giving him the appearance of one of those odd garden gnomes. All he needed was the pointy hat. He was affable enough, but Jackson wasn't in the mood to care about how nice or accommodating his psychiatrist could be.
"I didn't walk in. I was wheeled in like a fucking invalid," said Jackson, spitting the words out of his mouth as if they were poison. His wrists were bound to the arms of the wheelchair he was forced to sit in. Loretta had threatened him with bodily injury if he didn't do as she said and he didn't feel like challenging her today. He subconsciously bounced his right leg and drummed his fingers on the metal of the wheelchair.
"It's standard procedure, Mr. Walker and you have a history of violence in the short time you've been with us. So are we going to spend our time together discussing the things you hate about this hospital or are we going to talk about the root problem of why you're here? The more you talk, the sooner you walk out of here," he said, crossing his arms and leaning on his big oak desk.
"So everyone keeps telling me," grumbled Jackson.
"It's the truth. You talk, I listen. You work through your problems...your violence and suicidal tendencies... and you'll be on your way back home. It's that simple," replied Dr. Jacobs.
"Fuck home. Wherever she is is where I want to go. No place else."
"OK, so start by telling me what got you here."
"I tried to off myself. You already know that. It's all there in black and white in front of you."
"And why did you do that?"
"Because she told me we could never see each other again," said Jackson, his voice rising with his mounting anger. He was tired of saying it.
"And what was so tragic about that that you'd try to kill yourself?"
"Because she's been the fucking lifeline that I've held onto for the last sixteen years. She's the reason I didn't put a fucking bullet in my head in Iraq. She's the reason I do everything."
"Tell me who 'she' is."
"Madeleine. My wife."
"Says here in Dr. Lawrence's notes that she's married to someone else now."
"A technicality."
"It also says that she and her husband are the parents of a toddler and she's expecting another baby next spring. Is that another technicality?"
"Actually, no. because that baby she's carrying is mine. How's that for a plot twist, huh Doc?" said Jackson. He couldn't have hidden the smirk on his face even if he tried.
"How do you know it's your baby? Did she tell you that herself?"
"Yep, I heard her talking to me when I was in the coma at the hospital in Odessa. Heard her singing to me, too. It's what made me fight to come back, knowing she was there and wanting me to live so I could see our baby born," said Jackson, turning his head to look out the window.
"I'm guessing she wanted you to live before you attempted suicide, Mr. Walker. Says here that she agreed to be your contact in case you fell off the wagon."
"That's right, she did."
"So why try to kill yourself? You already had the promise of her being in your life."
"How the fuck do I know? Maybe I wanted more than she was offering at the time."
"What about now? She hasn't offered anything more to you, as far as I know. What's to keep you from trying it again?"
"I've already told you. She's carrying my baby," said Jackson, through clenched teeth.
"But you have no actual proof?" asked Dr, Jacobs.
"No and that's why I have to talk to her. I have to know if the things I heard were real or if I imagined them."
"And if they are real, how will that change anything? She'll still be married to another man and have a life away from you in Chicago."
"But it will change everything, don't you see that? I'll finally be able to claim what's rightfully mine. She still loves me. She's told me that. She belongs with me. She was mine first."
"Her current husband may have something to say about that, Mr. Walker."
"That motherfucker doesn't deserve her, so I don't give a fuck what he thinks." Jace's countenance turned dark. His anger was palpable and it was in this moment that Dr. Jacobs realized he would have his work cut out for him when it came to this patient.
"Why do you say that?"
"Because the sonofabitch cheated on her. That's why."
"OK, but it also stands to reason that she also cheated on him if you think it's your baby she's carrying," said Dr. Jacobs.
"Another technicality. She loves me more. I know it."
"Sounds to me like there are many unresolved issues between you and this Madeleine. We'll have to dig away at those too."
"Fine, so when can I talk to her?"
"Well, Mr. Walker...if you keep coming to these sessions and continue to open up about things, I'll see to it that you get phone privileges. How's that sound?"
"Like a long fucking process," said Jace.
"The amount of time it takes is entirely up to you," said Dr. Jacobs.
"Look...I'll do whatever it takes, but I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna be hogtied everytime. I'm not a fucking animal," said Jace, jerking his arms against the wrist restraints.
"Do you think you can control your anger enough to have those restraints permanently removed?"
"As long as none of you assholes continue to piss me off."
"You just gave me my answer, Mr. Walker. What is it that's made you so angry?"
"Every fucking thing about this makes me angry...the fact that I'm here at all boils my blood."
"You brought that on yourself, Mr. Walker. No one else made you swallow a bunch of Valium with a bottle of whiskey," said Dr. Jacobs. Even though he was right, his matter of fact tone annoyed Jace even more.
"Yeah, yeah...I get it." said Jace, sounding disgusted. "I just didn't want her to leave, okay? I wanted to keep her in my life and if I couldn't do that, I didn't want to live my life without her."
"What is it you want to achieve before you leave here, Mr. Walker? What's your bottom line?"
"My bottom line is to have a reason to see Madeleine again...for her to let me be a presence in her life."
"But don't you already have that? You share a daughter, don't you?"
"Yeah, but my brother and his wife are her adoptive parents. She doesn't know that I'm her father. Madeleine and I had nothing to do with bringing her up, but if this baby she's carrying is mine, it will break that barrier for me to step back into her life."
"And everyone else be damned, is that it? This revelation you want may disrupt a lot of people's lives, Mr. Walker."
"My life has been disrupted more than anyone else's, for Christ's sake!. I lost my wife, my daughter, my leg and my entire fucking existence as I knew it! It's about goddamn time I got some of that back!" said Jace, shouting.
"How much are you willing to settle for? Perhaps a better question is how little are you willing to settle for...accept?"
"At the bare minimum, I want the opportunity to be a father to my child. I was denied that with Harper."
"And at the most, what are you hoping for?"
"To wake up with Madeleine by my side in bed every morning and to go to sleep holding her every night," said Jace succinctly.
"And if that doesn't happen...what then? Will you find yourself back here again?"
"No, not as long as I have a child in this world to be a father to."
"And what if you're wrong, Mr. Walker? What if this baby is her husband's and isn't yours? Have you thought about that?"
"I don't have to because I know in my heart what I heard. My head may be fucked up, but her love for me is strong and she would never tell me something that wasn't true. She knows how much I love her and how much I want to be a father. She wouldn't lie to me, Doc. She's the only person I trust in this whole fucking world."
Dr. Jacobs scribbled a few sentences down in Jace's chart, then stared off into space for several minutes without speaking. He didn't know how to help Jace achieve his goals without it causing pain for other people. At the very minimum, he would have to allow him to speak with Madeleine at some point. Perhaps then, Jace could begin the healing process once he knew if the baby Madeleine was expecting was his. Jackson seemed strong and determined on the outside, but he was concerned that he was more damaged on the inside than he let on. He had endured a lot of pain and suffering in his life and finding out the truth about this child seemed akin to putting a band aid on a gaping wound. Jackson Walker had a lot more issues to deal with than what meets the eye and that's where his success in recovery hinged.
"Loretta, you can come get Mr. Walker. We're done for today," said Dr. Jacobs, depressing the intercom button on his desk phone. "We have a ways to go yet, Mr. Walker. Shall we say the same time tomorrow?"
"Whatever. I'm sort of at your mercy here," said Jackson, pulling against the restraints.
"If you remain agreeable, continue to see me and take your medications, those will be removed. Again, your progress is up to you," said Dr. Jacobs, standing up behind his desk just as Loretta entered his office. "Ahh, Loretta. You may have your patient back. Bring him by the same time tomorrow."
"Yes, doctor," she said. She unlocked the brakes of the wheelchair and gripped the push handles, turning Jackson around and out into the hallway. "Can I tell Preston that you've made some headway today? He should be calling sometime this afternoon to check on you." Jace felt his animosity rise at the sound of his brother's name. He may have been named after their father, but Junior wasn't half the man their father had been.
"I don't give a fuck what you tell him," he replied. "The only reason he's pretending to care about me is because I own the controlling share of Walker and Sons. When I came back home, everything in Junior's power reverted back to me. Daddy saw to that in his will. Me coming back from the dead threw Junior's power trip for loop. He's not mentally strong enough to run the company. He doesn't have big enough balls," said Jackson.
"Yet, he's not the one in the psychiatric hospital, is he?" said Loretta.
"You are such a fucking bitch," muttered Jackson. She was right, of course. Junior had been the one to hold the family together in Jackson's absence after their father died. The plan had always been for Jackson to take over Walker and Sons when their father stepped down and for Junior to take on a much smaller role in the company, but when Jackson had been reported dead, the power shifted to Junior. It was just another way that life kicked Jackson when he was already down.
"As I've said before, I've been called worse," she said, as she leaned down and locked the brakes of the wheelchair. "Do you need help getting into bed?" she asked.
"No thanks, Hitler. I can manage all by myself," said Jackson. She unstrapped his wrists and grabbed the back of his shirt to help him up to a standing position. Jackson put his right foot down on the floor and pushed himself up by the handles. He pivoted around and sat down, but missed the edge of the bed by several inches. Loretta tightened her grip and put her free arm under his left armpit to keep him from landing on the floor. She hoisted him back up and propped him up on the bed.
"Don't be so cocky, Mr. Walker. You may feel stronger, but your body hasn't caught up to your head yet. You nearly fell and that little incident would have been on my shoulders," she said. She helped him get his legs into bed and pulled the sheet up over him. He was visibly tired and breathing heavily. He was still more weak than he was willing to admit. Jackson hated having to be at the mercy of Loretta and her staff for simple things like getting into bed or going to the bathroom to pee, especially since she seemed to revel in it.
"You've got shoulders nearly as broad as mine. You could've handled the fallout," he said.
"I can handle most things that are thrown at me, Mr. Walker, but it's up to me which things I choose to handle. Having a patient fall on my watch is not one of them," she said, straightening the sheet and fluffing the pillow behind him. As much as he hated to admit it, Jackson had come to admire Loretta. She was a tough as nails nurse who could deal with most any situation she found herself in. He liked the way she was virtually unflappable. No matter what insults he hurled at her, she'd let them roll off her back as if they were water. She always gave one hundred percent of herself to the patients under her care, no matter how badly they treated her. She had a hard, no nonsense exterior, but Jackson knew she was as soft as custard underneath. He could see it in her eyes sometimes.
"Do you need anything else before I get back to my charting?"
"Madeleine. I need Madeleine."
"All in due time, Mr. Walker," she said, as she pushed the empty wheelchair out of his room.
"And I've got nothing but time," he said.