Chapter 32: Meredith's Past

Just as Meredith assumed, Ellis had no intention of staying in Seattle than it was professionally necessary. Saying as little as possible, fearing a longer utterance might provoke an angry outburst on her part, she saw her mother off to the busy lobby. Like in the morning a lot of curious people waited to see her.

She made no sign that she had heard Ellis's conversation with Derek. She was aware that it wouldn't end with empty threats if Ellis as much as suspected that Derek was not at all indifferent to her. She would stay behind and poison their lives, scaring off every possible "distraction" like she always did, making Meredith a person focused only on her studies and work and… the loneliest girl in the world.

Ellis, however, was not going to disappear without the last word and seeing the glint in her mother's eyes, Meredith knew it wasn't going to be pleasant. Ellis buttoned her coat and stated loftily, "A lot has changed in that place since I set my foot here for the last time. I don't know who is to be blamed for that, you or Richard."

Meredith jaw tightened and she prepared herself for what was to come.

"This institution will never be what it aspires to," continued Ellis with a shake of her head. "There's no focus, the staff are more concerned with their personal life than work, maybe to cover its poor quality."

Finished, that was what Meredith's patience was. Enough was enough. Ellis abused her in every possible way. She couldn't protect Derek from her hatred, but at least she would protect her hospital.

"I happen to disagree," hissed Meredith straightening up to her full height. "There's no doubt in my mind that we're the finest surgical team in America, or at least we're soon going to be. Thank you for your services, Dr. Grey. I'll walk you off."

She didn't give her mother a chance to reply and shot towards the elevators. The onlookers heard enough of that humiliating conversation.

"You're making a mistake, a big one," pronounced Ellis in a quieter voice. "I know you're staying here for him."

Meredith's head whipped at her at once, "What?" Her heart beat wildly. Did she figure out the truth about Derek after all?

"Do you think he cares?" snorted Ellis. "He abandoned you at the age of five!"

Meredith breathed out but it wasn't relief. Her mother completely misread what was going on with her, not the first time though, so it didn't come as a surprise. Since she came to Seattle to take over the position of the chief, she didn't even think about her father. First, it was her job that consumed all her attention then Derek rocked her world, making her forget about everything. But now the memories were coming crashing down on her.

"Ask him, see if he cares," jeered Ellis. "Do you like his current wife or his two lovely daughters? One happy family, isn't it?"

For a moment, Meredith didn't know how to respond. She just stood in utter shock and disbelief. It was too much, the day was too much. How Ellis always found pleasure in hurting her, she couldn't fathom.

"Goodbye, Dr. Grey," she managed to grit out. "You know your way out."

"Meredith, I'm talking to you!"

She ignored her mother and hurried away with a stormy look on her face that informed everyone ahead to get the hell out of her way. She needed to vent in solitude. She needed her dark place she didn't resort to visit for a long time. "Not now," she shot at a concerned Addie.

Derek observed the last minutes of Dr. Grey's presence at Seattle Grace from a distance, just like many other of his colleagues did. An angry murmur of indignation washed over them as the famous surgeon expressed her views on the hospital, and then another one, of solidarity when their Chief stood up to defend them.

He followed the mother and daughter with his eyes and registered with worry that Ellis continued to sting, throwing Meredith completely off balance. The woman he grew to care so much for was somewhere between livid and wounded. He didn't waste a heartbeat to go after her inconspicuously. He wasn't going to let her be in this state alone.

He saw her sneaking into a room in the peripheries of the hospital he was sure he never visited. He entered the place with curiosity, noticing different kinds of pipes and cables sticking out of the walls, a metallic crate that made up the floor and his Meredith.

At the sound of the opening door, she whirled around to face the intruder, meeting the troubled eyes of the person she both longed and feared to see the most.

"Leave, Derek!" she pleaded. "Just leave!" She felt she was going to cry, the first time in years and she didn't want Derek to be the witness of her breakdown.

"No," he refused gently but leaving no place to doubt he was going to stand by her. "We're in this together, I'm not bailing."

She looked around wildly, pushing her hair out of her face distractedly. "I'm sorry for what she told you," her breath hitched, a shudder shook her body. "I… I hate her so much for what she said to you-"

"You know?" he frowned coming closer to her. "Meredith, it's not your fault."

"Yes, it is!" she yelled when the violent gust of air came from under their feet ruffling their clothes and taking Derek by surprise. Meredith giggled wildly, inhaling deeply.

She sobered instantaneously and asked, "You wanna know why I'm like this? What happened to me?" she pointed at herself. "Ellis Grey is what happened to me, my mother happened to me."

"I was born in Seattle, I lived in Seattle with my mother and my father until I was five."

"Mer," he whispered soothingly. He wanted her to talk and open up to him but not like this, not when she was in so much pain.

"And then my parents divorced; I don't know why," she paced around with her arms around herself. "My father walked out of the house and never came back. I've never seen nor heard from him again, not once."

Derek wondered on numerous occasions why his girlfriend never mentioned her dad though the name of her mother appeared in their conversations from time to time.

"My mother took me to Boston," continued Meredith with unseeing eyes. "We both practically lived at the hospital until I was old enough to stay in the house myself, to learn of course. I wasn't a child prodigy," she shrugged. "Maybe an intelligent kid but I was always buried in my books. My mother pushed me forward and forward and she was never satisfied with the notes I brought, even when they were the highest in the school. I never had any friends or boyfriends; I didn't have the time for them. If anyone got too close to me, she would drive them away because they could only be a distraction for me."

Derek looked sadly at the suddenly small woman before him. He always complained jokingly his sisters made his life unbearable, but Meredith's childhood had to be lonely and miserable.

"With my grades I was able to skip a few years and I was allowed to start college at sixteen, underage, immature and knowing very little about the real life," she snorted bitterly. "But I was free from my mother's grasp for the first time, free to do whatever I wanted. My mother assumed I reached adulthood the day she left me at the campus."

Derek studied her face feeling she was heading somewhere even darker and scarier than before down her memory lane.

"I met Addison the first day and it immediately hit off. She comes from an overbearing home too. We properly celebrated breaking free, lots of wild parties, lots of alcohol and crack. After a few days, Addie started to wind down. I didn't. I enjoyed my so-called freedom too much. I've never seen so many fucked up people in my life and I fit right in because I was even more fucked up than the rest. I discovered two things that made me forget about anything else, alcohol and sex," she stared at the wall, shame cursing in her blood. "I don't even know what my first time was, I was too drunk. And then I met a guy… at the club," her voice quivered. "He wasn't a student, he was a couple of years older, he was intriguing, sexy and… apparently liked my blowjobs. Whereas I was both impressionable and impressed. He didn't care about anything else in the world either, just booze, drugs, and sex."

Was it her first relationship Meredith told him about? Derek almost dreaded the answer.

"He was the first guy that stuck around, and he wanted me as I was, wild and unrestrained. I followed him blindly in some liquor boosted frenzy. So, I just left, nothing mattered anymore, certainly not books and studying. I left Addie, I left college just like I was standing."

She let out a small tortured laugh and sat on a metal box, "We landed in a trailer park, living mainly on sex and booze. I took all the money from my bank account and Chace brought some cash too. I learned later that he was a drug dealer but at the point I didn't give a damn. He could be a killer and I wouldn't care."

"How did you get out of that?" asked Derek with astonishment crouching before her, taking her cold hands in his.

"That's when Addison comes into the picture again," sighed Meredith. "About a month after I left with Chace, she came to look for me. I was still enrolled at college and my absences started to be frowned upon. Addie found me and dragged me into her car. I must have been drunk again because I wouldn't have left on my free will. She kept me locked in our room until I sobered up. My head hurt and I threw up all the time, and everything I wanted was to get back to Chace and my liquor. Thinking was painful and every second I spent sober I felt dirty."

She trembled and choked back a sob. "Addie couldn't babysit me all the time. One day she didn't, I sneaked out to return to the trailer. I didn't see what I expected to see though. The trailer was locked up, no sign of Chace. I asked around and… they told me he was dead."

Derek moved up to take her stiff tensed form in his arms. He was sure she was crying but he couldn't tell as her face was hidden from his view by her hair.

"He… he died two days earlier. Overdosed heroin… Accidentally," she sniffed her nose. "Addie didn't have to come for me again. I got back by myself. It sobered me up like nothing else."

Derek rubbed soft soothing circles on her back. He couldn't quite believe her story, the story of a 16-year-old girl that was so lost and helpless, looking for a little affection in her life.

"I cried for days on Addie's shoulder, feeling worthless and useless. But it got better eventually, I learned to live with that," she wiped her face. "I managed to remain at college. The alcohol hadn't killed all my brain cells, I worked hard to make up for the classes I missed. By the end of the semester, I was at the top again. Like nothing happened. Only I changed, I became a super bitch relying only on herself and not able to trust anyone. I hadn't been very social before, must have taken a lot after my mother but after… I wouldn't look at anyone twice if they weren't connected with my work."

"Oh, Meredith," he sighed painfully and kissed her forehead. Addison Montgomery was his favorite person right now. Derek felt sure had Meredith stayed at that trailer another few days, she would have ended up dead like that shady Chace character. "God, you came this close to…" He couldn't get close enough to her, making sure she was safe and sound.

"Is that why your mother's so harsh with you?" he asked clearing his throat from emotion.

"Nah," she snorted. "She has no idea."

"What?" demanded Derek indignantly. "She… she didn't know her underage daughter left the campus? That she lived God knows where for a month?"

"No," Meredith shook her head. "She didn't call, she was busy at the hospital. We didn't talk that much when I lived in the house, she didn't feel she was obliged to check up on an adult."

"This is… this is…" he searched for a right word.

"Convenient," stated Meredith. "If she had the faintest idea, I wouldn't have a life."

"Still, she's your mother," he argued, horrified. "I can't imagine my mom not being there for me or any of my sisters."

Meredith pulled away from him, standing up, finally showing him her face with now red-rimmed eyes.

"I told you that you didn't want to know me," she whispered. "Because I'm dark and twisty inside and I come from a sick family. I have mommy and daddy issues, which won't be resolved just like that because apparently my father replaced me with a new bright and shiny family. Who would like to be around a person like that? I won't hold it against you."

"Hold against what?" frowned Derek following her to the crate again.

"Leaving," she shrugged. "I know you're disgusted with me. Who wouldn't be?"

"Meredith," he breathed out and took her in his arms making her look into his eyes. She was in the most vulnerable state he ever saw her; she just bared her soul to him, telling him all her darkest secrets. And she thought he was going to leave her. "Meredith, I told you I wasn't bailing. I don't think any less of you after what I heard. If anything, you amaze me even more. You're stuck with me, Meredith Grey." He sent her a soft smile, but she kept blinking at him insecurely brushing the remnants of tears.

"I care for you, a lot," he went on. To tell the truth, he loved her. He realized that now, but he wasn't going to tell her right away. She had too many worries today, he suspected the declaration of his love would freak her out. "I need you."

He tilted her head upwards and grazed her lips delicately with his. Her eyes were still wide open, he saw that through his half-closed ones. She was rigid in his arms, undoubtedly expecting him to jerk away suddenly. He applied more pressure at her mouth, licking it with his tongue to pry inside.

Finally, she relented with a sigh and let him kiss her like he wanted. "I need you too, so much," she moaned and hooked her hands around his neck.

They got lost in the sensuous contact until the air hit them again. Meredith squealed and jumped up in his arms. He grinned and continued kissing her, goose bumps erupting on his skin every time the wind enveloped them. He felt a strange surge of force within him. They were going to make it through everything, and he would be the person she waited for all her life.