≈ Excerpts from Zoë Hange's private notebook ≈

Had a talk with Ilse L. today, funny how we never interacted before. She told me how she started documenting her life in the Corps a while ago. Mainly for herself. I want to try this too. I'm feeling a little… ... …. Dear journal, I will work on my ability to match the right words with my emotions, I currently don't have that skill.

December 10, 845

I sometimes wake up crying because I dream that Levi is dead. One recurring nightmare is that he transforms into a Titan and we have to kill him.

He kept his promise. I can conduct tests on him. So much I don't understand...

I miss him even if we see each other every day.

(Sorry for such a melancholic first entry, notebook. You deserve better!)

December 12, 845

The leaves from the bush called "Eldian Dreams" have no effect on Levi anymore. I tried four different dosages over several days, one very strong, but there was no reaction whatsoever. It's like he told me: The first dose of any substance has a strong effect (PINK! thinking of that day makes me laugh before I remember everything else that happened, which makes me want to cry), the second dose only a medium effect, and the third one no effect.

I wonder, is that part of his bloodline trait? Without other test subjects from the same line, I cannot confirm my theory. Are there any others like him? I have thought about contacting my Father to find out but … the less I see him the better and I won't give him the satisfaction of admitting my inability to solve this mystery around Levi.

I also wonder when the second time Levi imbibed the leaves was. It could have been that day of the fight. I asked him about seeing pink things when he fought, but strangely, he recalls nothing about it (Note: test memory retention in Levi). But that huge scar Levi got from Annika is so faint already I am assuming exceptionally fast healing again, which corroborates my theory.

P.S. Yes, I make him take off his shirt often in the lab, sometimes even when it's not strictly needed. How very professional, Hange-san. But it's all "look and don't touch", so I guess it's excusable?

December 14, 845

Big news: Annika isn't dying anymore.

I have to talk to Erwin about his agreement with her - surely he doesn't think he needs to honor it?! Levi doesn't seem to care about her presence but I wonder... As soon as she's well enough, I'll question her again. I just don't trust her motives nor do I think the story she told us makes much sense. Or maybe I just don't understand her special brand of love? Sticks a knife into a person deep enough to kill but wants to live with him on a farm afterwards? I mean...

December 19, 845

Erwin said Annika can join the Training Corps as soon as she's sufficiently recovered. I don't like it, she's a loose cannon, but Erwin won't listen to me. I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet - possible that she's avoiding me. She's not avoiding Levi though, I spotted them walking in the courtyard together this morning. They look very close and familiar. Well… they've known each other for ages, so not much of a surprise there. Maybe it's some kind of comfort for him to have someone from the Underground to talk to?

Treibel on the other hand threw a massive fit when he saw her, it was almost comical. I think he's afraid of her. If she expresses her love by sticking knives into people, then he better watch out or he'll end up marrying her (haha).

(The Levi-Experiments are continuing. I use a different notebook to write down details about them. I have to work on separating work from personal matters. A tip from Commander Erwin! He's a perceptive bastard.)

December 31, 845

Food shortages be damned, we have to have a party tonight! I revived "The Book" yesterday and we're betting on who can drink how many tankards of ale before the year is over (or before passing out).

Levi bet quite a sum on me and that I can drink thirteen (without passing out)! That's very sweet of him.

He's doing well in training. Physically he's back to his exceptional performance, with awe inspiring speed and reflexes. My eyes can't even keep up most of the time! But he still gets confused about the date sometimes and I need to tell him: "No, Levi, it's the year 845".

Soon, it will be: "Levi, it's 846". That will confuse even me!

845 has been a weird ass of a year. I guess it's good that it's over.

January 2, 846

I drank thirteen tankards. Levi won. He means to save the money he got. I tried to find out what for but he didn't say.

I dream of him. Of us, living together. Those dreams mess with my head. I can barely talk to him afterwards.

I kissed him on the cheek at the turn of the year and wished for his health and happiness. He looked at me like he wanted to eat me and I… I have to get over him. It's not fair towards him, this lusting, this hoping… this hoping he'll get weak. No, it's even worse than not being fair: Since I know about his programming I cannot take advantage of him, full stop. I like him far too much to sink this low.

January 15, 846

All the kids from Shiganshina have now been moved to the different refugee camps. It took much longer than expected to find places for each of them. HQ is quiet. I'll miss them.

Levi and me: We're friends. He teases me by calling me names, like shitty-glasses, four-eyes, mush-brain. I tease him right back, calling him shorty or rage dwarf etc. Friendly banter, it is better than nothing.

January 19, 846

I caught him staring at the falling snow today. It made me wonder how the outside world must feel to him. He's been with us for a bit more than a year. He's well integrated now. But does he truly feel like one of us? He seems sad.

January 21, 846

I finally managed to talk to Annika who was surprisingly well behaved and normal. Or maybe just acting like she is. She joined the Training Corps and of course, she's acing it - I never doubted her abilities, just her sanity.

She let it slip in passing that Levi had planned to disappear too? That Renzo had ordered him to kill himself! I pretended that I already knew, but I was shocked to learn this. So he said goodbye because he wanted to pretend to be dead and live somewhere without ever getting in contact again! That is only marginally better than the version with Annika by his side. I wonder why Levi never told me, has he only now remembered? Or did he mean to keep this from me?

Annika also says that Lev has horrible nightmares, that he sleeps even less than before. He hasn't told me about that either.

I feel hurt… because I thought we were friends, but I guess he does not want to confide in me. I have to admit that I feel a growing distance between us. But he's always been a very private person. That he let me close once doesn't mean I have a right to demand closeness all the time.

February 2, 846

Why does he continue talking to Annika so frequently? They meet all the time when she has time off. People are already calling them the "Pair from the Underground" and I fucking hate it.

She claimed to know nothing about Levi's family and this bloodline thing last time I spoke to her. I am still certain that she's lying through her teeth about pretty much everything. Levi has to realize that too, right?!

He told me to mind my own business when I tried to talk to him about her. He also told me he has no time for more experiments, especially since "things were clearly not getting anywhere".

Fucking idiot knows better than me about science now? Of course I am not getting anywhere, I don't have the substances Oliver described, worse, I don't even understand what he was talking about! It galls me that this old man from the Underground had access to knowledge I'll never have! I should have sought out that Panther too before he disappeared.

I wonder what is outside the walls that we have absolutely no clue about. I'll try to get my hands on more forbidden books.

February 8, 846

Bad idea about the forbidden books. The government is very sensitive right now and three of the contacts I used have disappeared. It's possible they're in prison.

February 13, 846

I made a very bad mistake.

I was too drunk. And before that, too angry with Levi not to drink way beyond what's good for me. I'm ashamed of myself and I feel sorry about Mike. He deserves someone who looks up to him, not someone like me who compares him to a person she can no longer have.

Levi pretends he doesn't know. But of course he does: Everybody talks about me and Mike.

Maybe he doesn't care?

But I do.

I'm so very sorry, Levi.

I miss you and I want you. When will this yearning stop? It's stupid and embarrassing.

February 28, 846

I don't feel like writing anymore, sorry, journal. I'm working a lot. We're planning an expedition.

June 25, 846

20% of humanity died when they attempted to reclaim Wall Maria. It was a crushing loss. I lack the words to describe what I'm feeling. Was everything in vain?

I will have to work even more.

August 5, 846

Saw my father. I wish I could stay calm when that happens.

But he's keeping his promise - no interference with the Survey Corps anymore.

August 6, 846

Is my father meeting with Levi?

Levi is evasive. But I think they talked.

I don't like it.

August 8, 846

Huge fight with Levi. He told me to keep out of his business. Okay.

He's right.

September 5, 846

He wished me a happy birthday today and gave me an old drawing of a plant. He didn't want to say where he got it from but it's clearly a forbidden document.

Silly me cried afterwards. When is his birthday?

December 25, 846

Apparently, it's today. This knowledge comes from Annika because Levi claims he doesn't know. I gave him a really well forged knife. And a penny. Which he kept too!

It made me super anxious. He "tsk-ed" at me for my superstition and told me to grow up.

Happy Birthday, Levi! May all your dreams come true. May you slay many more Titans and grow wrinkly and old.

January 1, 847

Another year gone. We're not one step closer to understanding where Titans came from and why they behave like they do. Will we ever?

Sometimes, I feel like the biggest failure.

Moblit tells me to sleep more but it's okay.

March 10, 847

I guess we're friends again? We had a good talk up on the rooftop.

The one big problem remains that I want to touch and kiss him so badly. It's been so many months since we slept together, why can't I forget? It's like an obsession.

My other obsession apart from Titans.

June 12, 847

We are going on an expedition. I will try to catch a Titan! I'm super excited.

June 20, 847

We are back (only lost a handful of soldiers this time!). Man, Levi got so angry at me because my equipment malfunctioned, it was a bit scary. Moblit tried to take my side but Levi is right, I was careless. I should have checked more thoroughly.

No Titan survived Levi's anger, so I didn't manage to catch one.

Stupid me shouted at him for killing all of them when he did it to save me.

I apologized afterwards but I don't think he listened.

It remains my goal to catch a Titan. It's very, very, VERY important that I do.

June 13, 848

34th Expedition beyond the Walls. We lost so many. One of them is Ilse, whom I owe the idea to keep a journal.

But now I imagine my comrades finding this journal when I die and… I'd rather not. Should I destroy it?

February 5, 849

Annika joined the Survey Corps.

Let's say every single male but Theodor is exhilarated. If anything, she got even prettier during her three years of training.

Erwin had the brilliant idea to put her in Squad Treibel. Seriously, sometimes I think our Commander is a sadist.

(I obviously didn't destroy you, notebook - but I hid you so well last year that I completely forgot about you)

March 9, 850

Something extraordinary happened! Well, let's just say Levi is once again EXTREMELY angry with me because members of his team almost died… BUT! We made an incredible discovery… Ilse's notebook! The things she describes in there… I wish I had spoken to her more.

It is official, we know NOTHING about Titans. Nothing.

I'm… shaken. How can I even begin to understand?

March 10, 850

I wrote a proposal to Erwin for a Titan capturing operation. He approved it.

March 18, 850

I CAUGHT A TITAN! It worked! My new capture method was used in the operation, and there was not a single casualty.

Are you a little bit proud of me, Levi?

You smirked at me and shook your head. Do I get too excited?

MY METHOD WORKED!

May 12, 850

New recruits joined the Survey Corps today, it's quite a sizable group. Erwin looked surprised. Levi called them "brats" that need extra protection and thinks it's going to be a hassle. They're all so young! Was I ever that young?

These kids are different - they witnessed the death of loved ones at the hands of Titans and that is their reason for joining.

Pray they live long lives.

I feel torn: apprehensive and exhilarated at the same time.

Is something big about to happen?

Let's hope it's something good.