Hello Lovelies! I've left you all hanging for way too long! I've been trying to get back into writing, but my writer's block has been a bitch. Also I've been working on a chemistry PhD in the middle of a global pandemic, so please pray for my soul and my sanity. Honestly I typed this up three VRBs deep and in about an hour, so be gentle. I'm working on myself and getting back into my passions. Also, please let me know what other characters you want to read about, whether they are Cassandra Clare's or others! I'd love to write some new characters. I've also got a few personal projects I want to work on, so if you might be interested in reading some of those let me know!
What's wrong?
Jace's innocuous question stirred something inside me I watch the streetlamps pass in a blur, a steady drizzle of rain working in our favor to wash away my earlier sins. There are no words to describe the chaos in my brain, the steady flickering between peacefulness and rage, like a child toying with a light switch while the bulb waits to catch fire.
He'd pulled me into his embrace, blood seeping through his clothes as he searched my flesh for fresh wounds. My demon had retreated so quickly it left me numb in my own body, too dumbstruck to remember basic function. He'd waited patiently as I struggled to respond to his simple questions.
Do you know them?
Did they hurt you?
I must have been able to shake my head because something satisfied him as he hauled us both from the pavement, tucking me away in his side as Shadowhunters began to survey the mess. Isabelle had arrived with Jace, patting me sympathetically on the shoulder as I failed to meet her gaze.
I'd thought that maybe she could understand. Surely, she'd know that it's not the deaths that disturbed me so deeply. I cared not for those men, or the futures I'd stolen from them.
Evil begets evil and whatnot.
Instead, it was my complete lack of self-control, like I was on autopilot with no way to take command. Never had Valentine's intentions been so abundantly clear. He'd raised me to be a weapon, and somehow, he'd finally pulled the trigger.
And now I cling desperately to the numbness by a thread, anger and frustration bubbling just beneath the surface. This intense hatred feels foreign in my body. It's much to big, like it belongs to someone else—something else. I bite back my snarky response—something about being covered in blood and treated like a child—and seethe in silence.
My Demon stirs in the back of my brain. This anger belongs to her. And she's waiting for me to lose control. With all the mental strength I can muster, I smash her deeper into the void. How can I even explain this to Jace? When I don't entirely understand it myself?
It's not until the car is parked that I realize we aren't going home. Jace shoves open his car door before pulling on mine, extending a hand to help me from the car. We are on the edge of town, climbing the staircases of an abandoned parking garage in utter silence. Jace's face is controlled, but his fingers brush against mine every few steps.
It's neutral ground, I realize as we reach our destination. A man stands in the middle of the cement structure, hands buried in the pockets of his black coat, a hood slid down to reveal white-blond hair.
Normally, I'd have run to him, thrown myself in his arms, but I still barely have control over my body. Instead, he approaches me, wrapping me in a strong, warm embrace.
I can see Jace cross his arms in my peripherals, obviously biting back the questions he so desperately wants answered.
The men seem to be carrying on a silent conversation above my head, judging by the way Jonathan's shoulders shrug and his head shakes. Jonathan sets his hands against my shoulders, pushing me an arm's length away to study my face. "What happened out there?"
"I don't know…" I manage with a strangled breath. "It was like my body wasn't mine." It's the first time I'd spoken since the knife clattered from my demon's grip. I can't feel her stirring inside me. She'd been sated, but only the Angel knows for how long.
Jonathan's reaction to my words is not one of surprise, but rather, astonishment.
He guides me to the opened hatch of an SUV where I sit, and Jon settles beside me. Jace stands with crossed arms and narrowed eyes. He wants answers.
"I can't believe it fucking worked." Jon's head hangs.
"What. Worked." Jace's voice is very controlled, hard and edged like a blade made of diamonds. My brother scrubs a hand down his face, looking pale and lost as he grapples for words. In his hand rests a bloodied note, the one I'd received at the coffee shop. My eyes cut to Jace, who is burning holes into my brother.
"We both knew Valentine's plan was to use Clary to destroy the Shadowhunters," Jonathan begins, and a muscle in Jace's jaw jumps as he casts a nervous glance my way.
Of course, I'd already known this. I'd told him time and time again that I would be his downfall, and each time he'd shushed my fears, told me that he wouldn't let that happen. But to know he'd discussed this with my brother, and that he'd agreed—I feel more than angry. I feel betrayed.
A wave of anger, redhot like a branding iron, rips through my chest. I no longer wish to control it, no longer see the need to.
"Why didn't you just off me then?" I'm standing now. Frustrated that I'm not taller. Frustrated that I'm not stronger as I press both hands against his chest and shove. "Huh?!" I demand an answer, a roaring in my ears signaling the return of my demon as I push Jace closer and closer to the edge.
And he lets me. He could overpower me if he wanted to. Instead, he stumbles backward. Onse shove and I could send him over the edge. On small push, if I use the strength from my thighs, and I could end it all. The sight of him falling flashes through my mind. And my demon likes it.
Jonathan's voice breaks above the noise in my head, ringing like a bell. "Alles gut."
"All is good?" Jace asks Jonathan incredulously as my arms fall to my side, my violent outburst gone as quickly as it had come.
"Alles gut," he repeats. "It's German."
"We might be friends, Jon, but you really have some fucking explaining to do."
Jace stands beside me, a hand against my elbow, like I hadn't just tried to kill him. My spine straightens, my body stiffening as the weight of that settles on me. His arm wraps around my waist, pulling me against his side. I don't lean into him like I want to, worried of what I'm capable of.
"Valentine has always been a planner," Jon continues as if nothing had happened. I wonder if they could see the thought that had flashed through my mind, Jace's footing giving way as I ram him hard enough over the concreate barrier, all flailing limbs until he's swallowed by the darkness. "He had these crazy ideas when we were younger.
Jace's fingers are working circles against my side, his lips settling against my temple. I'm still covered in blood, and Jace is too—from me, I realize. He'd held me in the center of the chaos, whispering words of calm in my ear as he cradled my face against his chest, his men hurrying around us to remove the stains I'd made.
Doesn't he realize I'm not worth fighting for. That the destruction I bring is far worse than any happiness I might give.
"He dabbled in matters of the psyche. He'd heard of studies being done in the CIA, and somehow, he'd found one of the scientists. He wanted to make sure his children were compliant, even when they were far from his reach."
"You're saying Valentine is controlling Clary." Jace sounds incredulous, but Jonathan thrusts the letter forward, pointing at something I can't see. Jace's mouth opens.
"Don't say it out loud," Jonathan warns before stuffing the paper back into his pocket. "Valentine wanted trigger certain behaviors with uncommon phrases. I never thought it would work."
They're talking like I'm not sitting right her, like the insane killing machine isn't ready to snap at the utterance of a phrase. A phrase that I can't know because it will send me into a frenzy. Jace pulls me tighter against his side. "How did you know how to stop it?"
"I used to pretend it worked on me, just to please him." There's venom in his words. "When he said those words, I knew it was okay to stop."
"So there's no cure?" The words burst out from me, and both head swivel in my direction. "I'm destined to share my body with this other side of me? This Demon that I have no control over?"
I am met with silence, and that is all the answer I need. I lift myself from the SUV. "I can't stay here."
"Clary—" Both boys reach for me, but I brush off their touches.
"I won't stay where I can hurt anyone I care about."
"Where will you go?" Jonathan's words linger. "He will find you, Clary. You are safest when he knows where you are?'
"So what, Jon? I just sit here and wait for him to tell me to kill Jace."
"Your fine if he can't get a message to you."
"So then I'll be a prisoner? Just like I was in the Demons?"
"No." Jace's response is firm. "We have to go on as if we don't know anything. Valentine did this to send you a message, Clary. He wants to scare you. To make you feel powerless." Jace walks forward, gripping me by my elbows, golden eyes melting into mine. "But what he doesn't know is that you are strong. Stronger than I can ever hope to be. You could have killed me when I found you in the alley. You could have shoved me over the edge five minutes ago. I know you've been asking yourself why you did these things, but you're not asking yourself why you didn't." His hands slide up my arms and onto my cheeks, his thumbs pushing away the tears as they fall. "You are far more powerful than Valentine and his stupid games."
"It's not worth the risk…" I press my mouth against his palm, my words trailing off as I squeeze my eyes shut.
"I'm not one to shy away from a little danger." He smiles then, and for a moment, I forget who we are, forget all the shadows that follow us, forget the circumstances that brought us together. For a moment, I'm just a girl, looking at a boy, who is gazing at me with an eternity of love. And we have a future together, a future that is as certain as the rising sun.
And for a moment, that is enough.
Thanks for sticking with me. Thanks for words of encouragement in long delays. Thanks for reading.
All My Love,
BallinBlonde21