A Love Letter to My Dear Darling Readers

Dear Darling Readers,

I can't tell you how much it means to me that you have followed along with this story. I have been thinking about this for a long time and it's profoundly cathartic to finally have written it. I hope it has been so for you to read it as well.

After reading Boy Erased I started thinking about the long-term damage of conversion therapy. Most media is about the event itself, such as But I'm A Cheerleader (an amazing movie which you must watch immediately). But rarely is there a discussion about how people move on from these horrible experiences. In fact, I Am Michael might be the only one I know of and it's not exactly a happy movie.

And then I started rewatching supernatural and the nagging in the back of my mind that's always bothered me about the throwaway line about how Naomi has rebooted Cas multiple times and there are events in his own existence he doesn't even remember finally clicked. That's what this is. It's institutionalized abuse of those who veer off course. Those who do not fit the mold are reformatted, reconfigure, and forced to conform. What is that if not conversion therapy?

Castiel: I learned my lesson while I was away Dean. I serve Heaven, I don't serve man. And I certainly don't serve you.

So Cas, sweet, beloved Castiel, is our queer angel who fights for what is right, who learns to love and give unconditionally, who questions authority in the name of his own personal moral compass, who fucks up almost as much as he does good but he always tries so damn hard, and that makes him so fucking human it's painful. He's the best of us and the worst.

And what does he get? Erased. His identity, that which makes him beautiful, is taken away - and not just once. We see it after the first time he's taken to heaven because he's gotten too close. He turns Anna in. That's not who Cas is. But he's been tortured, manipulated, abused. He's forced to act out the behaviors and identity of someone else's construct.

Castiel: We aren't machines for them to program and reprogram. That wasn't what this was meant to be.

We see it with Naomi making him kill Dean, we see it when he realizes he's met Metatron before but the memory has been taken from him.

And the show never discusses it. Never dives in or makes it more than a plot device to move the show forward, but it's horrifying. It might in fact be one of the worst things anyone does in the entire series. This abuse Castiel suffers, it's inconceivable. His family, the people he trusts most in the world, the institution he has dedicated his entire existence to fight for and risk his life for takes away the things that make him an individual without even a second thought. Again, what is this but conversion therapy?

What Cas suffers in Prayer in G is tame in the world of Homosexual Exorcisms. I've done the research for you. I caution you not to do it yourself. People die. Those who survive are never the same. And it's all done in the name of family and Heaven. Just like what the show did to Castiel. So even though the Cas in this story is alive and happy, please don't forget to keep fighting against abuse, calling out injustice, and save any lives you can. Sometimes all it takes is sharing a smile with a queer teen on the street to remind someone they are important or stepping out to join a BLM protest.

Thank you, readers, for caring about the Cas and Dean in this story, for sharing the ride with me, and for all the comments and Kudos. Please feel free to leave me a note or message me, no matter how much time has passed if you want to talk about this story or need help. You are precious and important.

Valandra

COMING NEXT

Please consider following me to get updates when new stories come out. Upcoming stories include:

The Vessel - Complete Canon Divergent - Available on AO3, coming to FanFic soon

The Atmosphere Down Here - WIP MultiChapter Story. Alt U - High School - Posting Now

Short Story to be a part of the Bee Bang. Construction Worker Dean/ER Nurse Castiel

And who knows what else, I have plenty of other ideas!

Prompts and requests are welcome and inspiring!