Wow, you are amazing. I didn´t even dream of so much support and positive feedback when I posted this. I´m glad my story touched some of you in a way. Thanks for every review and PM. I appreciate it a lot.
You probably expect it by now, but just in case - I´d like to warn you about this chapter including suicidal thoughts and near suicide attempt. So read at your own risk.
Something felt off.
Maybe it was the look in Steve´s eyes when Danny closed the door and walked away. Maybe it was the sound of his voice when he said he´d join them later. Danny couldn´t put a finger on what, but something was wrong.
"Earth to Danny," Lou said, bringing his mind back to the present. "You all right man? You haven´t even touched your drink."
Danny shrugged, not really able to explain why he felt the overwhelming need to be somewhere else. "Yeah," he said. "I´m good. It´s just…"
"You could´ve died today," Kono said when he didn´t continue. "It´s okay if you want to just call it a day and get to the bed."
It was something else than that. His life had been on the line more times than he could count, especially since one special SEAL had invaded his life, so such a close call didn´t really faze him for longer than a few moments anymore. He shook his head, absently cradling the beer bottle in his hands. "It´s not that," he said.
"Then what´s wrong?" Chin asked.
Uneasy feeling washed over Danny again as he fidgeted in his seat. "I don´t know. Something doesn´t feel right."
"Of course it doesn´t," Kono snapped. The anger-filled tone of her voice got the men´s attention. "Nothing feels right since Steve is back. Don´t you get it? We´re lucky it only ended up with minor injuries today. His head is not in a game and it could´ve ended up much worse."
"Cuz…" Chin started.
"No, she´s right," Lou chimed in. "Our boy´s not thinking straight right now. It could get Danny killed today." He locked his eyes with Danny´s. "Damn, he nearly killed an unarmed man. He probably would if we didn´t stop him."
Danny shook his head. "The man who´d shot me," he said. "And he was about to shoot again."
"And Steve managed to disarm him. There was no reason to do what he did after that," Chin said carefully. "You know just like we all do that if that guy died, Steve would go to jail. I doubt it would help anyone."
"It´s not Steve´s fault," Danny said, not even counting how many times he had said that in the past year. "None of it. It´s not like he´d asked for this, okay? You know what he´d been through. I doubt any of us would handle it any better."
"I know I wouldn´t," Lou said. "Damn, I would never make it this far after all that. I can´t blame him for being a mess. It would break just about anyone. But in our line of work, it can be damn dangerous."
When Kono spoke again, her voice was gentler. "Don´t get me wrong, Danny. You know we all care about him and want him to get back on track. And I´m not blaming him for hurting. I´m just saying he shouldn´t be leading the taskforce right now. It´s just too much for him to handle in his current state of mind."
Danny couldn´t argue with that. "I know," he admitted with a heavy sigh. "I´ll try to talk to him."
"Where is he, anyway?" Chin asked. "Didn´t you say he would join us here?"
"That´s what he said."
Lou chugged down the rest of the liquid in his bottle and put it down on a table. "Maybe he changed his mind," he said. "You know, maybe he needs some alone time to think about what had happened today."
If that was the case, Danny was certain Steve would have told him he wasn´t coming. "It´s Steve," he said. "When he said he would come over, he´ll come over." A chill ran down his spine when he said that, adding up to the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. But not able to identify it, he tried his best to ignore it and focused on the conversation with his friends.
But when Steve didn´t show up a little later, Danny was concerned. He texted Steve and asked where he was, and quickly typed another one telling him they were waiting for him, but his friend didn´t answer, so he tried for the third time.
Are you okay?
This time, Steve replied.
No.
The worry spiked inside Danny with that single word, reminding him of the pain he could´ve seen in Steve´s eyes earlier today. He picked up the phone and dialed Steve´s number. Steve answered the call just when Danny thought he wouldn´t.
"Hey, what´s wrong?" Danny asked.
Danny could hear the heavy breaths on the other side of the line, but Steve didn´t answer.
"Steve?" Danny began, not missing the attention that got from his colleagues. They all seemed equally concerned when he said Steve´s name. "Steve, what´s going on?" He eyed the car keys on the table in front of him.
"D… Danno?" Steve stuttered, breathing heavily. "Can you… can you come over? Please?"
That was it. Danny snatched up the keys to his Camaro, threw a glance at his friends, and rushed away. "Sure," he said. "I´m on my way, okay?"
"Okay," Steve whispered.
Danny cursed as he got into the car. The fact Steve admitted he wasn´t okay and his plea for Danny´s presence couldn´t mean anything good. For a reason he couldn´t explain, he was afraid to end the call and focus solely on driving. "Something happened?" he asked instead. "Flashbacks?" It would be understandable, especially after the events of today´s morning.
"No," Steve muttered.
"Okay. That´s good," Danny said, speeding up when hearing Steve´s choppy breaths. When Steve grew quiet, Danny spoke again. "You still here?"
"Yeah," came the trembling voice. "Uh, I´m sorry for today, Danny."
"You already apologized a hundred times," Danny said, "Look, I know this isn´t really you. Okay? What you´ve been through…" Obviously it was going to leave its marks.
"I… I didn´t mean for punching you," Steve said.
"Then what for, Steve?" Danny asked, but Steve didn´t reply again. "Just keep talking, all right?"
Every time Steve grew quiet, the worry inside him grew. The fact Steve didn´t want to tell him what was going on didn´t help either. So he kept talking, kept encouraging Steve to talk to him.
Having broken all the speed limits across town, Danny soon drove on to Steve´s driveway. Not bothering to knock, he barged in, his eyes frantically searching for his friend, who was nowhere to be seen. "Where are you?" he asked.
"Beach."
Danny ended the call and rushed to the backyard, where he could see Steve sitting in the chair. His relief was short-lived, though. As he neared his friend, he noticed the gun Steve was cradling in his hand, and felt the blood freeze in his veins when the SEAL´s tear-streaked face came into focus.
Steve raised the gun in his shaking hand, wondering how to best accomplish the deed. Should he put the barrel in his mouth? Maybe between the eyes? Or the side of his head?
Don´t fuck this up, he said to himself. He had heard horror stories of the people who tried to kill themselves and survived. He knew a poorly placed bullet could leave someone in a vegetative state and he didn´t want to become even more of a burden if he didn´t get it done right.
He picked the right spot, and then, for the first time in what felt like forever, there was finally nothing on his mind.
No ghosts of his past. No guilt. No pain and sorrow. Nothing at all.
But just then there was a buzzing on his cell phone letting him know he had a text message. For some reason, he glanced at the phone. It was from Danny.
Where are you?
Ignoring it, Steve pressed the cold metal of a muzzle against his head.
Another buzz.
We´re waiting for you.
Damn, that man knew something was up. In the seven years they´d known each other, he grasped that Steve had a thing about showing up where he was supposed to be, when he was supposed to be. Seventeen years in the Navy will do that to you.
He squeezed his eyes shut, sending a silent apology to Danny and everyone else for failing them all. He was about to pull the trigger when another text came over.
Are you okay?
Fuck. No! I´m not okay. I want to die, Steve thought.
But maybe… just maybe he did want to be saved, after all. Otherwise, he wouldn´t be reading Danny´s messages right now. And if there was anyone in his life who could pull him back from the brink, it was Danny. Steve was drowning and while a part of him wanted to let go and end the suffering, another part of him reached for the lifeline Danny tossed.
He texted back.
No.
And lowered the gun.
Sitting there for a moment, he found himself shaking, cold, and covered in sweat. He´d almost done it. A few more seconds and he would have. His pain would have stopped and, he thought, everybody else would be relieved.
As in a fog, he barely registered the incoming call from his best friend. He answered at last, desperately trying to get his emotions under control before saying anything.
"Hey, what´s wrong?" Danny´s voice was filled with concern.
Everything is wrong. Steve´s breaths grew faster and tears escaped his eyes. He wanted to say something, but his voice was stuck in his throat.
"Steve? Steve, what´s going on?"
"D… Danno?" Steve stuttered finally, breathing heavily. "Can you… can you come over? Please?"
Not for a second he doubted Danny would be here as soon as humanly possible. But there was still a gun in his hand and doubts in his head and… he didn´t really trust himself. There was plenty of time to change his mind before Danny´s arrival. So he clung to Danny´s voice over the phone, prompting Steve to talk to him just about anything until he could hear him ask where he was.
"Beach," Steve replied, still unsure whether he was relieved by Danny being here or regretted a missed opportunity to end it all.
Hearing the hurried steps behind his back, Steve gave up trying to hold himself together. He was shaking, a hand with the gun resting in his lap, when Danny walked over him. But ashamed for what he had nearly done, Steve wasn't able to look up into Danny´s face.
When Danny crouched down to look at him, he gave him a concerned look. "Steve? What are you doing?" he asked, eyeing the gun in his hand.
Steve didn´t reply. Didn´t know how. Couldn´t find the right words.
"What´s that for?" Danny gestured toward the gun and Steve could basically see the fear grow behind those blues.
"Nothing," Steve mumbled and set the gun on the table next to him. "Not anymore."
"Not anymore? Wh-?" The detective´s eyes grew wider and he froze as though someone had slapped him across his face. "Don´t tell me that you were about to use it," he breathed out, anger seeping into his voice.
Dropping his gaze, he suddenly felt the need to unload that burden. "I… I was," he admitted.
The tense silence stretched in the air for a moment. When Steve looked back up at Danny, the blonde man was staring at him in horror and disbelief.
"You saved me, you know?" Steve added. "When you texted me. I was about to pull the trigger and your text stopped me."
Shaking his head, Danny stood up. "I´m sorry. I must´ve heard wrong cause I´d swear you just said you were about to kill yourself." All the calmness was now gone from his face. His nostrils were flaring with anger as he rubbed his hand over his mouth.
"Danny, I… I´m sorry." He didn´t know what else to say.
"Are you out of your mind?" Danny snapped. "After all we have been through, you just decided it´s a good idea to shoot yourself?"
A wave of shame washed over Steve, who sat there, wordless, staring at his fuming friend.
Danny shut his eyes close for a moment, trying to regain his composure, but Steve could see he was failing to do so. "You selfish son of a bitch!" Danny mumbled. "Have you even thought about what that would do to us? We have risked our lives to save yours. And for what? So you could give up and kill yourself a year later?"
"I know. I´m sorry."
"Sorry, huh?" Danny´s voice raised again. "What would happen if I didn´t text you when I did? Huh? You´d just shoot your brain out?"
"I would…"
"Don´t," Danny stopped him, pressing his fingers against the base of his nose in an attempt to calm down. "Just don´t. Shut up."
Steve didn´t know what he expected. He deserved Danny´s anger for sure. After all, not only Danny, but Kono, Chin, Lou, Joe, and Gutch, all of them had risked everything including their lives and freedom to find and save him. They´d spent a year in his presence, trying to help, taking all his anger without ever complaining. They´d stood by his side no matter what. They deserved better than this.
"I´d understand if you wanted to walk away, Danny," Steve said after a while.
"Why the hell would I do that? So you could do something stupid again?" Danny said, the anger in his voice dissipating slowly.
"I… I don´t deserve you to stay," Steve whispered. "I´ve failed, Danny. I´ve failed you, failed the team, failed Joe, failed… everyone."
Danny let out a heavy sigh."No, you didn´t," he said. "And I´m not going anywhere."
"You´re not?"
When Danny crouched down again, forcing Steve to look into his eyes, his voice was gentler. "No, I´m not. None of us is," he said.
There were no words to describe the pain Steve could see in Danny´s eyes. And just to think he had caused that. To think he was so close to hurting his best friend even more than he could imagine, made him feel sick to his stomach.
Danny glared at Steve, speechless, trying to wrap his head around what he had just heard. Steve guessed he didn´t really want to believe how truly messed up Steve was, and it must´ve been hard for him to think of his best friend sitting in the here, so miserable and lost that he was psyching up to kill himself.
"Damn, I don´t know if I should punch you or hug you right now," Danny said eventually.
But Steve did know. He´d been used as a punching bag way too many times. By too many people. He needed the comfort only his best friend could provide at the moment. "Can we please start with a hug?" he said. It was a plea for help, rather than a hug, but Danny would know.
Danny stood up again, gesturing to Steve to do the same. "Come here, you idiot." He waited for Steve to scramble up to his feet, then closed the space between them and wrapped his arms around Steve, who squeezed right back.
"I´m so sorry," Steve mumbled against Danny´s neck. "I didn´t want to…"
"I know, babe. I know." Danny held him in his arms, rubbing soothing circles on the back of Steve´s neck. They stayed like this for a minute or two in silence, before Steve tried to speak up, but his voice failed him.
He´d been keeping the emotions bottled up for too long, but in Danny´s embrace, it was as if the dam holding back the waters of that silence began to crack. He was embarrassed when his eyes teared up and he choked up. But Danny didn´t seem to mind Steve´s tears wetting his skin. After a while, Steve wiped at the tears. "I´m sorry," he whispered another apology.
"You don´t have to be," Danny said, tightening his hold on Steve. "Just don´t even think about something like that ever again. Promise me that if things get tough, if you ever think about hurting yourself again, you´ll talk to me first. Or to someone else if I won´t be there."
Steve buried his head deeper into the crook of Danny´s neck. "Okay," he agreed. "I promise."
Danny held him in silence for a little while longer, and Steve could hear his friend´s breathing slowing down to normal again. He pulled away and took a deep breath. He had to dig to the absolute bottom of his strength to make himself say what he wanted to say. But if he didn´t, he would destroy everything good in his life and keep hurting people who loved him.
He looked up to meet Danny´s glossy eyes. "I don´t want you to look at me differently anymore," Steve mumbled, watching Danny barely keeping his own tears at bay. "I just want my life back. The life before… you know, all that."
Danny listened, waiting for Steve to finish in silence.
"I hate you guys being worried about me. You all keep constantly checking up on me and asking if I´m okay. I don´t want… that to be all you see when you look at me. I miss what it used to be. I want to get it back. But I don´t know how." Steve´s eyes grew wet again. "I… I need help, Danny." There. He´d said it.
Flashing Steve a sad smile, Danny grabbed his hand. "Yeah, you do," he said. "We´ll find you someone, okay? You´ll get your life back. I promise you that."
With that, the dam burst, and Steve couldn´t have held the floodwaters of his misery if he´d tried. Tough guy. Elite warrior. Best of the best. Yet he sobbed like a child and let Danny hold him again until he ran out of tears.
It took nearly taking his own life that made him acknowledge he had a serious problem that he wasn´t going to be able to fix by himself. He had been raised to be a strong, independent man, and despite the turmoil he had been through, he thought he should be able to just shake it off and drive on, but no matter how hard he tried, he simply couldn´t.
Admitting a problem was a major step, but still, only the first step in a very long road Steve needed to travel.
*to be continued*
I know the last two chapters were dark and maybe hard to read for some, but it is a part of the difficult topic I´ve chosen to focus on in this story. I hope you don't mind and I´ll be grateful for any opinions you share.
We´re coming to the end of the story, and I´ll wrap it all up in the next chapter. Thanks for staying with me till now.