Epilogue
Love Is Stronger Than Death
30 ABY
Third Fleet Medical Frigate
A month after the Liberation of Coruscant
"You really don't have to take him," Tahiri protested. "Anakin will be back any minute, we'll be fine on our own until he gets here."
"Tahiri…"
Iella's tone of voice matched her warning look and Tahiri knew that fighting was useless. Even though Will was about to take a nap, getting him to actually take a nap would require energy Tahiri simply didn't possess yet. Besides that, once he'd been wrestled into sleep, Will really would rest better in the next room; in the med room that had been converted into a makeshift nursery.
"Alright," she sighed, and then quickly tried to pretend that the gesture wasn't agonizing. The coughing fit that immediately followed gave her away though.
"Ah uh," Iella scolded. "When are you going to stop being so stubborn and just lay back and let us take care of you?"
When Tahiri caught her breath she gave Iella a sheepish grin, then half whispered, "Okay, okay, you win. Take him. I'll just lay here like the invalid that I am."
Iella leaned over and smoothed a hand over Tahiri's hair before kissing her forehead. "You know very well I don't mind, and you are not an invalid. You are recovering from a wound that would have killed anyone else and you will, miraculously, be up and back to your old self in no time. So quit feeling sorry for yourself because you aren't already taking down Bram and Junip and kiss your son."
Iella leaned Will over Tahiri for a kiss, which he happily accepted.
"Now," Iella continued, "Anakin will sear me if he comes back and you're tired out, so I expect you to nap as well."
Tahiri smiled as Iella turned toward the door and Will waved over her shoulder then sank back into her pillows. She was almost asleep, just on the verge of oblivion, when a presence she'd been praying she wouldn't have to face alone approached her room.
"Oh, kriff."
So far both she and Anakin had managed to avoid this, but they both knew they couldn't get away with it forever, and apparently her time was up, as the gentle knocking on the door proved.
"Come in," she whispered.
When the door didn't open, she used the Force to trigger the switch. Her lungs were still too weak for her to speak loudly enough to be heard out in the hall.
"Hey," Jacen said. "I'm not disturbing you, am I?"
Disturbing wasn't quite the word Tahiri would use, but what could she say?
"No, I'm just… laying around." Deciding she couldn't escape the inevitable, and knowing that leaving him standing in the doorway was rude, she finally said, "Come on in."
He did, though he seemed nervous, shuffling a bit, reminding Tahiri a little of what he was like back during their academy days.
"You look… good."
She laughed at that, or wheezed rather.
"Anything would have to be an improvement over the last few times you saw me."
Jacen grinned, then reached up to rub the back of his neck. "Yeah, that's true."
"Between covered in gore with a giant hole in my chest and naked in a bacta tank… pale and barely able to talk above a whisper practically qualifies me for beauty queen status."
"Hey, you're alive, that's all that matters. But enough about your stunning good looks, how are you feeling?"
Tahiri tried to take a breath, coughed a few times, then laughed, which made her cough some more.
"Wow," Jacen chuckled as he stepped forward and sat on the edge of the bed. "I didn't count on a demonstration."
"Sorry. From what the medics say it's going to take a few more weeks before the lungs are working at full capacity, and the muscles are still pretty tender, even with the healing trances. Thank the Force your brother hasn't said anything funny in the last few days."
"Has my brother said anything funny in the last few years?"
Tahiri grabbed her chest with one hand and shot the other one out at Jacen, an accusatory finger pointed at his face.
"Don't you dare. If I end up back on a respirator because of you, I won't protect you from Anakin."
Jacen grabbed the hand pointed at his face and threaded his fingers with Tahiri's while saying, "Sorry, I'll do my best not to make you laugh. Though I have to admit, that's one promise I've never had to make before."
Tahiri thought for a second about pulling her hand away from Jacen's, but he seemed very intent on holding it, like he needed to touch her, and for some reason, she felt like it was a small kindness that she should give him, so she allowed him to continue holding it.
"So, uhm, listen," Jacen began, though he was now looking at the bed covers, not at Tahiri. "There's something I need to ask you."
"Yeah?"
And here we go.
"When you went down…"
Stall, stall. Anakin! Where are you?
"Thank you, by the way. I know that Anakin thanked you…"
"Tahiri, don't. That's not why I'm here. And I don't want you to say 'thank you'. I… I don't know how to explain this, but somehow, hearing you say 'thank you'… say 'thank you' when I pass the nerf butter at dinner. This isn't a 'thank you' situation."
Tahiri relaxed a little at that, and was glad she hadn't pulled her hand away from Jacen's and squeezed his fingers, and also regretted the 'thank yous' she'd expected or wanted from him in the past, because he was right: saving a life was not a 'thank you' situation.
"What I wanted to talk to you about, what I needed to say was, when I was trying to help you into the trance, there were thoughts, things you were thinking… I wasn't trying to hear, or 'eavesdrop', they were just there, sort of running through your mind, and they sort of scared me."
Tahiri just looked at Jacen, waited, hoped he'd give her a starting point, a place to jump off from, a place to begin her lie from. She also hoped Anakin would show up and either help her or that his arrival would end this.
But Anakin wasn't showing up, and Jacen kept going.
"It was words, there were no images, just words, and feelings. And a lot of fear with the words and feelings."
"Well…" Tahiri started, "I did think I was dying… so the fear is understandable."
"Yeah, but it didn't seem like fear related to what was happening. That's the weird part. The part that stuck out, or what really startled me so much at first. It was more like fear for you and me, but not fear about you dying so much. And that was also part of what I found so weird. And there was also longing. There was this longing for Anakin, as though he'd been gone for a really long time, like for years. It didn't feel like you just wanted him by your side right then, like you didn't want to go into the trance until you saw him, but that you'd been waiting years to see him."
Jacen was looking at Tahiri now as though he expected her to answer him, but he hadn't actually asked her a question, so she just looked back at him, and tried to keep herself quiet in the Force while he continued.
"I know that sounds odd, to have been able to pick up so much in only a few seconds, but the feelings coming off of you were so intense, so powerful."
Finally she felt like she had to give him something, so she went with the obvious: biology.
"Well, like I said, I was dying, and I was afraid, who knows how many millions of synapses were firing at random intervals, giving off bizarre information that had nothing to do with reality."
"Yeah, I suppose that's true."
"I mean, maybe for a second or two I was dead. All kinds of electrical impulses could have been at work, trying to get my heart beating again, or keep it beating. All kinds of crazy things could have been happening. I could have actually been one with the Force. You could have been feeling or hearing things that happened in the life of some other person."
Oops. Stupid, stupid.
Jacen cocked his head at an odd angle and Tahiri thought she might have kicked herself if she'd had the ability to get out of bed and bend her leg that way.
"You know, it's funny you would say that. I've spent a month thinking about all this, and that's sort of what it felt like; like I was hearing you relive someone else's thoughts. As though someone had told you a story and you were remembering the story in your head while you were dying, only the words were sort of jumbled."
Tahiri worked really hard to keep her breathing under control, worked to hide her fear and anxiety in the Force, worked really hard to pretend she couldn't imagine what it was that Jacen was getting at as his gaze dropped again and he stared down at their joined fingers, seeming to contemplate his own words.
Then he came at her from a totally different angle.
"Do you know what a bloodfin is?"
"Hmmm." She pretended to think. "It sounds vaguely familiar. Should I?" She asked, hoping he wouldn't detect her deception if she only half lied.
"They're a creature from the Outer Rim. 'Bloodfin' was one of the words that passed through your mind, and I was wondering why."
"Like I said…"
"I know," he sighed. "I was trying to figure out some things." Jacen ran his free hand through his hair again, obviously becoming more agitated, then nearly knocked Tahiri off her bed when he asked, "Do you think you and I could ever go Sith?"
She looked at him for a long moment, then finally whispered, "What in the stars would ever make you think that?"
"It's just that when I was trying to get you into the trance, I felt so much darkness, about us specifically, you and me, and I've been trying to figure it all out."
Tahiri took as deep a breath as her still weak lungs would allow, and placed her own free hand over their clasped ones. "Jacen, I was dying, I was scared, I was terrified. Any darkness you might have felt was likely due to that. I'm sorry, but that's all I can think to tell you."
"And the Force has never shown you anything? I mean, about this?"
Tahiri closed her eyes, and made a decision she hoped she wouldn't live to regret. "I think the Force speaks to us at different times in different ways and for different reasons. When I got pregnant with Will, I believe it was the will of the Force that I found him before Myrkr."
Jacen chuckled lightly. "The 'will of the Force'?"
"Exactly. Had I not found him when I did, and told Anakin, I would have gone on that mission with you, and I know, in my heart, that things would have been very different. Instead of losing Anakin for a year, I truly believe that we would have lost him for good. Don't ask me how I know that, I just do. I also know that had that mission gone differently, had Anakin never come home, had I not had Will, a lot of our lives would have gone very differently. But Anakin did make it back, and I did have Will and as a result, you and I, and everyone else who matters to us, are on a different trajectory than we would, or could, have been on."
"So you're saying that if it weren't for Will, and if Anakin had died, you and I could have gone Sith?"
"I'm saying life is a fragile thing. Had I not told Anakin about Will, as Leia had once wished, things could have been very different. Or, had I told him and gone to Myrkr anyway, things could have been very different. Things that seem like small choices, or small events, send ripples out into the galaxy and the farther away from the choices those ripples go, the larger the ripples become, until they are waves."
"You and me becoming Sith would certainly make waves."
"Large waves, with the impact of huge surf crashing on a beach and wiping out sand castles."
"We could do a lot of damage."
Tahiri chuckled. "Hypothetically."
"Your little Will of the Force should be thanked."
Tahiri leaned forward and looked deep into Jacen's eyes. "Do you trust me?"
When he hesitated she squeezed his hand again and went on.
"The biggest lesson I've learned in the last three years is that the Force comes to you when the Force decides it wants something or needs something from you and that's where the fine balance lies; in knowing how to interpret and act on what the Force tells you. And I think it knows what it's doing, and when it wants something from you it will come to you and let you know."
"So the Force wants me to be ignorant."
"Hardly, it just doesn't need you to know anything specific at this point."
"So, I guess I'll just hang out and wait for it to comm me?"
"That's what I'd do."
"Gee, thanks."
"One other piece of advice. Don't go wandering off. Your family needs you. Stay here with us. We love you."
Jacen nodded slightly, then leaned forward to kiss Tahiri's forehead.
"Hey… if there is any kissing of my wife to be done… I should be doing it."
Nice timing Solo…
Jacen smiled at Tahiri, then turned to his brother and said, "I was just thanking her for not dying on me. I really wasn't looking forward to you blaming me for that one."
Tahiri grinned as well, but it was when she peered out from behind Jacen, and smiled at Anakin and mouthed 'we're good' that she felt his relief in the Force, because they'd done it.
32 ABY
Third Fleet Medical Frigate
15 months after the Liberation of Coruscant
Tahiri stood at the counter in the med center signing datapads.
She glanced through the document, signed her name, moved it to the 'signed' stack, then continued on to the next one; glanced through the document, signed her name.
Move, glance, sign...
Tahiri Veila Solo…
Tahiri Veila Solo…
Tahiri Veila Solo…
"Look at you out of bed. Iella got you back to work already?"
Tahiri looked up to see her in-laws coming down the hall and smiled.
"Even if I didn't have work, there's no room for me in there," she said, nodding toward the doorway behind her.
She watched Han take in the sight on the other side of the door; Anakin curled up on his side… in the middle of her med bed, snoring.
"He must really be out if he didn't notice you getting up and leaving the room."
Tahiri smiled, and felt her heart swell with love. "He's exhausted. He's been through a lot."
Han snorted. "Yeah, watching you give birth really took it out of him."
Tahiri laughed while Leia batted her husband affectionately on the chest. But she was quick to defend her own husband.
"It actually did take a lot out of him. After missing Will's birth, and then thinking I was going to die last year, and then going through the pregnancy, and then getting to watch her being born. It was very emotional for him."
"And does 'her' have a name yet?" Leia asked.
Tahiri sighed unhappily. "No. At least not anything we can agree on."
Han laughed gently. "Still not going for the commemorative names?"
Tahiri groaned as Han continued.
"You really didn't like Bacta Solo?"
"My daughter was not conceived in a bacta tank," Tahiri gritted out.
"Med Center Shower Solo?" Han continued.
"Ugghh. And she was not conceived in a med center shower, and you all damn well know it. Aside from the timing being way off, it wasn't even physically possible… I was still on a respirator." Tahiri huffed while her in-laws laughed. "It wasn't even really a shower. They were just rinsing the bacta off of me. I could kill him for that one."
It was Leia who defended Anakin this time. "He was very happy you were okay, I think he just thought it would be nice to mark the occasion."
"Well he's not marking it by naming our daughter for a place she wasn't even conceived in."
"I thought Lusankya Solo was a good suggestion," Han went on. "We could have called her Lucy for short."
Tahiri rolled her eyes then looked at Leia. "Now that I know where Anakin got his sense of humor… I'm wondering how you've put up with it for so long."
"Will's wife will be asking you the same question in thirty years."
"Speaking of my grandson," Han cut in, "where is the little guy?"
"He and Unka Acen are on a man date; lunch and the zoo."
"You let Jacen take Will planetside?" Han and Leia asked in disbelieving unison.
Tahiri laughed then answered. "Well, Bram, Junip, Paloma, Valin and Stoker all went too, so I figured they couldn't get into too much trouble. But I told the guys to keep about twenty meters back so Jacen feels like he's actually doing the work and to only step in if Jacen really looks like he's in trouble. Lomi went along to shop, and Valin just needed to feel solid earth beneath his feet."
"So the odds of still having a son and a grandson at the end of the day are pretty good then?" Han decided.
"I'd say so," Tahiri confirmed. "And you know Anakin would never have agreed to it if he didn't think Jacen was in good hands."
"I never would have agreed to what?" Anakin asked through a yawn, as he shuffled into the hall, cradling his infant daughter.
Tahiri felt waves of joy and pleasure and love wash over her at the sight of her husband and little girl, and reached out to take the baby, then cuddled her and rubbed her cheek against the tiny pink one.
"Hello..." She said to the tiny bundle, then sighed and turned to Anakin. "Anything?"
Han and Leia both laughed again.
"Actually," Anakin said, the wide grin on his face telling Tahiri that he had it, that he'd finally come up with the name. "And I can't for the life of me figure out why it's taken me this long. I should have had this instantly. I should have had this years ago. In fact, I should have known this when we were fifteen and seventeen. I should have always known we were going to have a daughter with this name."
Tahiri was nearly bouncing now. "Anakin, what is it."
Anakin put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her forehead, then looked into her eyes. "I want to name her for the two people in the galaxy that I owe the largest debt of gratitude to…"
From beside them, Han made a gruff, 'ah shucks' sound, and Tahiri turned so see his chest puffing out.
Anakin got a slightly uncomfortable look on his face, before saying, "Ah, sorry Dad…", as Tahiri realized that Han had misunderstood where Anakin had been going with his announcement, but Tahiri still wasn't sure where he was going.
As Han's chest deflated, Tahiri turned back to face Anakin full on, his hands still on her shoulders as he looked into her eyes again.
"I want to name our daughter for the two people I owe the greatest debt to but can never thank. The two people who gave me you; Tryst and Cassa. I want to name our baby Tessa."
Tahiri felt her jaw drop, then her lower lip began to quiver as her chest began to ache with the intensity of the love she felt for Anakin, and how loved she felt. She knew she wouldn't be able to get any words out, so she simply nodded her head, then leaned forward to press her lips to his, and reached up and threaded her fingers into his hair to hold him close. She finally pulled away when she felt the cool wetness of tears running down her cheeks.
"Tell me you're crying because you're hormonal and happy and touched and you like the name and not because you're hormonal and about to whip out your lightsaber like you did when I suggested 'Bacta Solo'."
Tahiri laughed through her tears, then finally said, "It's beautiful, and you're beautiful, and I love you."
"I love you, too Tahiri;" then Anakin wrapped one arm around her and pulled her tight against his body, and with the other, reached up and ran his hand over the little bald head of their daughter and whispered, "and I love you, Tessa Solo."
28 ABY
Eclipse Station, Deep Core
Tahiri took a deep breath and rubbed Anakin's shin, then lifted his legs off her own and stood up, and stretched.
She turned to face the bed and Anakin stood to join her. It was still awkward at times, just being with him. He wasn't her Anakin, yet he looked just like him, talked just like him, smelled just like him. And sometimes watching the two of them, Anakin and his Tahiri, touch each other, was like feeling a vibroblade being driven into her heart.
She should have had that.
She had had that, and it had been taken away from her. He had thrown it away. He had thrown their lives and their future and their baby away and he didn't even know it.
She wondered if this Tahiri, Younger Tahiri…
Typical kriffing Anakin, categorize, separate, quantify… find a box and a reason and a purpose for everything…
Would Tahiri tell Anakin about the baby? And if she did, would it make a difference? Would he be so reckless? Would he leave her behind? Would this Anakin make better choices because he knew and understood exactly what he had to live for?
Anakin wrapped her in a tight hug and she melted into him as he tucked her head under his chin, swaying slightly as he stroked her hair. After a moment, he pulled back and placed a long kiss on her lips, then lifted his mouth and kissed her forehead.
Looking deeply into her eyes, he said, "Thank you. I really can't think of anything else to say, except maybe, I know he loves you, and I know he's going to be very happy to see you when this is all done."
She smiled slightly at that. "I hope you're right. He's going to be so upset with some of the stuff I've done."
Shaking his head, Anakin smiled, then tucked her hair behind her ear, just like he used to do. "He's already forgiven you."
Oh, Force I hope you're right.
One of her greatest fears, what had been keeping her up at night since Shedu Maad, was the idea of finally being reunited with Anakin in death, and his not forgiving her.
"Thank you. You're not my Anakin, but you're a wonderful man, and I'm really grateful that we've had this time together."
"Me too. For more than just the obvious reasons."
Younger Tahiri stood up to join them and Tahiri turned to face her, then hugged her hard and sighed again before stepping back and cupping her face.
"Remember; there is no right or wrong choice, only the one you can live with."
Younger Tahiri burst into tears again. The poor girl had cried a lot today. Tahiri rubbed her back and told her; "You are far stronger than you think, and you are going to have to be far stronger than that, but you'll be okay, no matter what choice you make. I promise."
"Okay."
"Now, have a good life. If I run into you again and you've kriffed this up, we're going to have words."
Younger Tahiri just snorted a laugh.
Stepping back from them, Tahiri tilted her head and smiled. "Goodbye Anakin and Tahiri. May the Force be with you both."
"May the Force be…" they whispered, but she didn't wait for them to finish the phrase, she simply let go of the flow… and they were gone.
The room that moments ago had been filled with Anakin's machine parts and droid bits, Younger Tahiri's datapads and spare clothes, the couple's few holos that hadn't been packed up yet, now only contained the air canisters, Tahiri's lightsaber, and the bed the three had all been sitting on just moments ago.
Three of those air canisters were empty, the fourth almost. The indicators told her there were only a few minutes of clean air left; less than five minutes to go.
Her original plan had been to use her lightsaber to kill herself when she'd come back this time, but was that necessary? Was that how she wanted to do it? Was she ready? Did it matter? Was simply lying back down on the bed and going to sleep a better way to do this?
Sighing, she took her blade from the counter at the head of the bed and lay down and closed her eyes.
The timing mechanism on the last air canister began to chime; a mechanized warning to anyone near that the clean air was gone.
Tahiri ignored the sound and reached for the Force, allowed herself to drift off into its currents as she fought the fear welling up inside of her, fought the instinctive desire to gulp in the air that was quickly turning toxic around her.
She concentrated on the swirls and eddies, focused, and finally began to feel different, felt an otherness that she'd never felt before; felt a fear and loneliness that weren't hers.
Younger Tahiri's?
Then she realized; Anakin was gone.
They'd failed.
Almost instantly she felt another emotion. A bitter sweetness that was also new, and she felt a warm squiggly wetness that matched a weight in her arms.
The will of the Force.
Will.
Their baby.
Their baby had survived, and Tahiri was full of a joy she'd never known before because Younger Tahiri had a piece of Anakin that she'd never had.
Feelings and emotions and visions began to bombard her, memories from a life she hadn't lived but should have, overwhelmed her senses.
And all the images were of Will.
Then… elation.
Anakin was alive. He'd been found and was alive and back with her.
Relief.
The war was over and they were okay.
Joy.
Another baby.
Tessa
Years flew by. Celebrations, weddings, birthdays. Joys, sorrows, triumphs.
She watched friends get married…
Jaina and Jagged Fel.
Jacen and Eryl Bessa.
Valin Horn and Nelani Dinn.
More babies were born. Children grew up and had children of their own, and through it all Anakin was right there at Tahiri's side, alive and happy and healthy.
Then the funerals began.
She watched as Anakin and Jacen and Jaina lit funeral pyres for first Han, then Leia, and finally Luke and Mara.
Then she watched as people she knew in her heart to be Will and Tessa and their own children lit a pyre for Anakin, but unlike the soul crushing agony she'd felt on Hapes all those years ago, this time she felt peace as she watched the flames lick up to consume the shell that had contained the spirit of her other half. This time she knew that he'd lived a full life, and this time she knew, she'd be joining him soon.
In the far-off distance the chiming sound of the canisters began to fade, so too did the colors of the world in Tahiri's mind, until all she saw was white. The sounds of people talking and children laughing became a low hum until they were nothing, until she was nothing.
Silence surrounded her for a second and for an eternity, and then, she heard a low rustling, like wind blowing through the leaves of trees. As the sound became louder, more distinct, the sound became familiar, became a voice, a voice she'd known in her heart and in her mind and in her soul forever, calling to her, whispering to her, welcoming her home.
"Forty-two my love, forty-two."