The Fallen
Summary – Peeta Mellark is the Winner of the 74th Hunger Games after Katniss Everdeen sacrifices herself to save his life. He soon finds himself in the middle of the rebellion as their beacon of hope, their Mockingjay. But as Peeta will soon discover, not all fallen tributes stay dead.
Disclaimer: These are all Suzanne Collin's toys. They're just in my playground.
A/N: Hey guys, after a few slow updates, I got to work on this Chapter straight away to try and get it out to you as quickly as I possibly could. I'm loving seeing your feedback, it always inspires me to work even quicker. So without further ado, here's chapter 32, another from Peeta's POV.
As always don't forget to review/follow/favourite but most importantly... enjoy xx
Gale loomed in the doorway, wearing his new uniform that Coin's high ranking guards and soldiers wear. His face was red and thunderous and he looked from me, to Katniss and then back again, zeroing in on me with a look that seemed to be simultaneously filled with both anger and pain. It seemed to be one thing after another coming between Gale and I lately, but I was over his petulant behavior.
"Gale," Katniss panted, a little out of breath, "what are you doing here?"
"President Coin sent me to get you two." he told her, not taking his eyes off me. I stood up as he marched forward squaring up to me
"What the fuck, Mellark?" he yelled in my face, "What happened to not pushing or pressuring her? Huh? You give me all this big talk about how fragile she is and that she needs time and then I walk in to see that? That's taking it slow is it?" he was seething, "I've got you all figured out now, sweet talker. You're good. All this time you've been playing me!"
"After everything we've been through? You really think that?" I asked him, "Why would I do that?"
"For her, why else!" he pointed at Katniss
"Even when we thought she was dead? We were friends then, Gale. Why can't we be friends now and call off this stupid feud?"
"The second you found out she were alive you've been plotting against me," he spat,
"You're being ridiculous!" I cried
"Am I?" his voice reverberated off the walls
I felt a tug on my sleeve, Katniss was trying to pull herself up. "May I?" I leaned closer and whispered to her, she nodded while her eyes narrowed on her former best friend. I helped her to her feet and made sure she was stable enough before letting go. Fortunately she managed to ground herself well. I studied her face for a moment to see if I could see any signs of panic or upset about the kiss or me helping her up. But right now, she just looked angry at Gale.
"Nice of you to let yourself into my room by the way," she said to him
He turned to look at her then, "I actually knocked first, I knew you were back and I was worried about you when you didn't answer, so I let myself in to check on you," he told her, "I guess you were too busy to hear me,"
I must have gotten carried away because I never heard a knock, Katniss didn't give anything away to say whether or not she heard one either. "I could have been sleeping for all you knew," she snapped, "what gives you the right to just barge in?"
"Like I said, I was worried about you. It looks like I had every right to be," he glared at me, "with him in here manipulating you,"
"No one is manipulating anyone in here, besides what Peeta and I do is none of your goddamn business anyway," Katniss folded her arms, "what the hell's your problem?"
"My problem is that Peeta should have kept his distance, you've been through too much to deal with his romantic bull right now,"
"I didn't want Peeta to keep his distance." she said, "What does it matter to you? This doesn't change anything between us, we're still friends, Gale"
"It changes EVERYTHING," he yelled back, "Because Peeta knew how I feel about you. How I've always felt about you. When we got you back, he told me to hold off admitting my feelings to you, because you weren't ready to handle it. I believed him and he used that time to move in on you himself. It's bullshit!"
"Wait. What? What are you talking about? What do you mean how you feel about me?" she looked confused
Gale's face relaxed as he went towards her, "All this time, surely you knew?" he said softly, "We've been there for each other for years, always had each other's backs. I know you better than anyone else. I'm in love with you Catnip, and you love me too, I know you do."
"Of course, I love you," Katniss said, "But I'm sorry, it's not the way you want me to. You're my friend Gale, you're family even."
"No, it's more than that, I know it is," Gale was almost pleading with his voice. As he got closer, Katniss looked more and more uncomfortable, she inched away ever so slightly but Gale didn't seem to notice. I prepared myself to step in.
"I'd be lying if I said I never considered it. Of course I'd thought about the idea of us together before, but what you and I have... is so much different to what I feel for Peeta," she told him, "I love you as my friend, but I'm in love Peeta. I couldn't change that even if I wanted to, and believe me, I've tried."
"You didn't try hard enough!" he growled
"What happened to you?" she wondered aloud, "Why are you being like this? Peeta was your friend. And he never tried to move in on me, he was trying to give me space and he never put any pressure on me. He never even mentioned any of his feelings for me because he wanted me to focus on myself. I was the one who initiated all of this. I was the one told him that I loved him first and I asked him if he still felt the same. I kissed him. Not the other way around. So if you're looking to blame someone, blame me."
"I... I...," his face was even redder as struggled to string words together
"You know what Gale, no." she continued to talk over him, "There's not even a cause for blame here. I chose this, and that's the key word really. Choice. It was a luxury that was stolen from me during the last year of my life. I chose Peeta. He didn't force himself on me, not like what you're trying to do now. You're no better then the clients in the mansion."
Her words wounded him, "Catnip... this isn't like you!" Gale cried, "You're the girl who always claimed she didn't want to fall in love and get married or have kids, that's why I never said anything to you before. Peeta must have got his hooks in you deep."
"Who said anything about getting married and having kids? I'm only guilty of falling in love." She sighed, "It may have been out of my control but it wasn't a manipulation. Look, I get that to you, this might seem fast and out of character for me, but it's not, not really. Peeta and I have had a connection that goes back years. I had been subconsciously aware of him and yet subconsciously trying to ignore him all at once, but that all changed from the moment we were reaped and I was forced to realize the truth of my feelings while I was in captivity this past year,"
"You've had a connection for years?" he looked confused, "Since when? You've never even looked in his direction before, you never talked about him. Not once."
Gale looked at me, trying to search for answers to his questions. He knew from our past conversations how long I'd been in love with her for, so obviously none of this was fast for me either.
"The word subconsciously is lost on you isn't it?" she rolled her eyes, "I don't owe you an explanation for my feelings, Gale,"
"This is about the bread isn't it?" he said, suddenly realizing
She didn't answer his question, but when she next spoke, he voice was calmer, softer. Almost pitying. "I'm sorry if this hurts you, Gale, but you hurt me first! You also hurt Peeta. Prim told me what good friends you became when you thought I was gone, don't throw all that away now," she continued
Gale looked at me with a scowl, then back to her, "Katniss, I'm sorry, but I need to know. Do I stand a chance?" his eyes were wild with desperation, "Can I say or do anything to convince you that I'm the one for you? That no one could love you the way I could?"
His words weren't reaching her, her eyes were wide and panicked and resting on the grip he suddenly had on her arm. I shoved him away from her as hard as I could, he stumbled back a few steps while Katniss appeared to be frozen to the spot but trembling with fear. Her breathing became laboured as she gasped for air. "Peeta" she choked out.
"Shit, what's happening to her?" Gale looked scared suddenly. I ignored him and stood in front of Katniss blocking his access to her. I assessed her quickly being very careful not to touch her.
It wasn't an attack like I'd seen before, but Cato warned me that her most common panic attacks present themselves in this way where she struggles to catch her breath. He told me that eventually, she can usually get herself out of these attacks, but he also told me how I can help her in these circumstances. "Katniss," I used the most calmest voice I could muster, "Katniss, go to your place, think about that place in the forest where you feel calm and strong and safe."
She nodded, she was doubled over and looked like she was about to keel over, "Katniss, I'm going to help you back into the chair, is that okay?" I asked her, she gave a brief nod giving me the permission I needed to be able to touch her and move her without making the situation worse. I gently lowered her back into the chair
"Is she okay? What's wrong?" Gale asked
I was angry with him, I turned around to face him. "She's having a panic attack, that you triggered! You know you can't just touch her like that! What were you thinking, Gale?!"
"I wasn't thin- I mean... I didn't know… I didn't realize! I saw that she was fine with you touching her. I thought she was over it!" he cried
"No she's not! We had to work up to that! We're still working on it," I shouted at him, "I can't just touch her whenever I want, she needs to know that I'm going to touch her and I need to get her permission before I do it,"
"I – I – Katniss, I…" Gale stammered
I turned back around to focus on the person who really needed my help right now, "Come on Katniss, remember where you are. You're safe with me in District Thirteen. Remember?" I wasn't sure exactly how safe any of us were here, but we were certainly together, "They don't own you, you are more than a piece in their games," I remind her of our shared mantra
"What can I do? How can I help?" Gale asked, trying once again to creep closer.
"Just go alright? I'll take care of her, this stress will only be making things worse for her," I yelled, I could barely hear myself think. The only sound making any real impact was the sound of Katniss's ragged breathing and it was taking so much effort not to panic myself. I needed to be strong for her, even when I was overcome with worry.
Cato barged into the room he was out of breath from running, "Katniss?" he cried. He quickly saw Katniss and rushed over, "What happened?" he asked me but looked at Gale, making a correct assumption.
"Gale grabbed at her and triggered a panic attack. Just get him out of here before he makes things worse," I muttered, then I looked up at Gale, "We will talk later," it was more of a warning than a promise. "Until then you can tell Coin that she'll have to wait until Katniss has been out of the hospital for more than a few minutes, which by the way she shouldn't even be out of right now!"
"What do you mean?" Gale asked
"I mean your precious Coin ordered her release before the medics approved it," I spat.
"I didn't know," Gale stammered
"Well now you do, please leave," I was so angry with him, his blind faith to Coin and his accusations about me. I was over it, all of it. Cato looked just as pissed as I was, and he wasn't even here for most of it. I turned my attention back to Katniss, and left Gale to Cato's mercy.
"Katniss, I'm so sorry," Gale called from the door, then pushed passed Cato trying to see her.
"Get. Out." Katniss managed to speak between breaths.
"You heard her, let's go." Cato shoved him towards the door,
"Get off me," Gale pushed back, "don't go acting like your the good guy here. You're nothing but a murderer!"
"Maybe I am," Cato snarled, "but I'm not the one she's kicking out, am I?"
Gale got ready to square up to him, but then his eyes fell on Katniss and he looked unhinged, it was a look of rage and despair all at once.
"Out of courtesy for Katniss, I'm going to give you the option of leaving on your own accord, though I would much prefer to knock you on your ass again," Cato smirked. Gale hesitated a few moments, eventually he turned and left, Cato slammed the door closed behind him.
"Come on Katniss," I coaxed her and knelt down on the ground beside her chair, "Picture everything you loved being out in the forest, what made you feel strong out there?"
"It's. Not. Working." Katniss choked, "Can't. Breathe." the look of fear in her eyes terrified me,
"Okay, okay, what do you need Katniss?" I asked her, trying as hard as possible to keep the panic from creeping into my voice. She couldn't seem to answer, so I turned to Cato, "What do we do? Have you ever had a problem with this not working before?"
He said nothing, but he shook his head, looking a little at a loss too. I turned back to Katniss, her face was pale, her eyes red and she looked terrified. Be strong for her. "Would you like any physical comfort?" I asked, "Would you like it if one of us held you?" right now I wouldn't care if what she needed was a hug from Cato, I just needed her to find some control.
She nodded quickly and placed a shaky hand on my chest. I carefully put my arms around her, gently pulled her off the chair and into my lap on the floor. I didn't know what else to say or do to help her so I decided to wing it by murmuring soothing words close to her ear, "I'm here, Katniss. You don't have to be afraid anymore. I'm here, I'll always be here and I will always love you," I repeated the mantra over a few times and as I felt her begin to calm I told her I loved her over and over again to her.
Eventually her breathing started to return to normal. She took some slow deep breaths and she started crying again. I cried with her as she clung even tighter to me. This was all Snow's doing, he had done this to her and I would make him pay for it.
I continued to hold Katniss as she wept, Cato sat at her other side and held her hand offering her comfort of his own. Eventually she fell asleep in my arms.
"The panic attacks always seem to wipe her out," Cato said a few minutes after we sat listening to her even breathing. He got to his feet and helped me get her onto one of the beds. I wasn't sure who's bed it was, but I doubted Prim nor Mrs Everdeen would mind that much. I covered her over with a blanket and Cato and I both sat down on the floor at her bedside, sitting side-by-side.
"Have you been sat outside this whole time?" I asked him
"No. I knew after a few minutes that you two would be fine alone, so I went to the training rooms as I said I would. While I was there I overheard one of the passing guards say that Gale had been sent to retrieve Katniss to meet Coin," he explained, "I had a feeling something might go down so I ran straight here. I heard you shouting at him from outside the door just as I arrived."
"Why do you think her 'happy place' didn't work this time, Cato? How come it didn't help her out of her panic attack?" I asked him
"I'm not sure," Cato replied with a frown, "We've never had that problem before," he said
"You said she thinks about the forest right? Hunting in Twelve..." I sighed coming to the answer "...with Gale,"
"He was a part of those memories so he shattered her peaceful illusion," Cato's face reddened, "that bastard might have undone all her hard work,"
I tried to not let it get to me, I was angry at Gale, I was angry for Katniss. But my anger wasn't needed, there was enough of that to go around. I needed to focus my energies into helping Katniss feel like she can take control back of her life again.
I was grateful that Cato trusted his instincts and came back here, his help was certainly welcome for getting Gale out of the way. But I was also grateful he was back so that I could have this time in private, I needed to have a conversation with him about some of the things Katniss told me this evening.
"Katniss told me what happened in the mansion," I said quietly and then turned to look at him, I caught a glimpse of terror in his eyes before he looked away.
"I figured she might have," he said, after a brief pause he nodded, "That's good, she needed to tell you,"
"Now I understand why you wanted her to be the one to tell me,"
"Yeah, it needed to come from her. I wasn't sure how you'd take it if I told you." he said
"Not well, probably," I admitted
"That's what I thought. You're usually a level headed guy but I thought that me telling you all of... that might be enough to push even you over the edge," he replied, "though I also believed it wasn't fair for her if I were the one to tell you her story. It needed to be her decision when she was ready,"
Choice. It was a luxury that was stolen from me during the last year of my life. Katniss's words to Gale came back to haunt me. "It should always be her decision," I murmured
Cato nodded, "So she told you everything huh?" he asked
"Well I'm pretty sure I got the short version, but yeah, I think so,"
"So you know about...?" he couldn't even say it out loud, he swallowed hard.
"About what they made you do together? Yeah, she told me,"
He turned back to face me, "Peeta, I'm pretty sure you already understand that I never wanted any part of it," he told me, "but I feel like I need to say it anyway. There was no part of me that took any pleasure in it. I felt just as used as she did. I hated doing that to her,"
I sighed, "I think I've gotten to know you well enough over the last few days to realize that," I told him, "I won't lie though, at first, I was ready to come for you. Katniss had to remind me that you weren't the one to blame."
"You're a better man than I, if it were me I probably would have decked you either way," I knew that was probably true also.
"Can I ask you something?" I turned to him then,
"I probably owe you that much," he replied
"When you told me before... about the reasons you and Katniss became close. You said it began because she needed help and you weren't in a position to refuse her. This is what you were talking about right? Because of...?" I trailed off not wanting to say it aloud again
He nodded slowly, "The guilt ate away at me." he explained, "Her first time with Fisk was already pretty rough, but then I was also brought in that same day straight after that,"
"Straight after her first time?"
"Yes,"
"Fuck."
"Careful now, Lover boy, you used a naughty word," he half smiled
"I think the circumstances call for it," I swallowed the lump in my throat
"You're not wrong." he agreed, "afterwards we were just kind of abandoned in that room together and as I looked at her, I didn't recognize her. She looked hollowed out, almost catatonic. And even though I know it was not my fault, I still felt guilty for putting her through that."
"Anyone with a decent soul would have," I replied sincerely
"It makes me feel better hearing you say that," he said, "according to some people here, I'm just a murderer,"
"It's not for me to absolve you for the things you've done, Cato, I saw you do some horrific things first hand and I won't excuse you for that. Gale had good reasons to say that to you," I told him, "But the difference is that I've had the opportunity to see that you're doing all that you can to change and make up for the past. And the more I get to know you, the more I believe that no one could punish you more about what you did, than how you're probably punishing yourself internally,"
Cato didn't kill to stay alive, he killed the other tributes for fun and sport because he was raised to believe that's what it was all about. Luckily, his conscience took over and I got the feeling that his guilt ran deep, it was something he would forever have to live with. "Do you ever think I could make up for it?" he asked
"I think that everything you've done for Katniss since then, and by showing the willingness to change and help us stop Snow are all good places to start,"
"Look, I know I was a killer, and I may have used people and treated woman I dated in the past like trash... but I was never a rapist, Peeta."
"I believe you," I told him truthfully,
"Thanks," he sighed a breath of relief. I wanted him to know he had someone else rooting for him, that believed in his ability to turn it around. That's the only way I think people can change.
"So what happened then?" I asked
"I knew I needed to somehow snap her out of it, so I basically told her to get over herself. It seemed to shock her out if it enough for me to be able to explain to her what would happen when we finally left the room. I tried to convince her to turn to the others for support, I thought at the time I was making it clear that I wanted to be left alone but also let her know the others were willing to help her in ways that I thought I couldn't. Well, we know how that worked out..."
"Yes," I looked up at her sleeping form on the bed, "I do,"
"The Fisk's just kept bringing us together, they had found their new favorite thrill and couldn't get enough of it. I think it was a part of the reason we formed the bond we did. We were able to understand each other in the most awful and twisted way, but at least we ended up helping each other in all the best ways that we could."
"That makes sense," I nodded. As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop picturing how they were forced together, how they must have felt. The thought alone made me feel sick, so I could only imagine how they felt living through it.
Cato sold himself short before, he said he didn't know how to be someone's friend, and yet here he was confiding in me, just like friends do. I had grown to like him despite our past history, it reminded me of the early days of a reluctant friendship I had formed with Gale. I missed Gale's friendship. I couldn't believe the person I was seeing lately was the same man I had gotten to know over the last year. I hoped we could sort this mess out between us, I needed to try at least.
"I need to talk to Gale," I told Cato
"Clearly." he rolled his eyes, "But he probably needs some time to cool off,"
"Not this time. His times up, we've been doing this dance since we left Twelve. We've got work to do and I don't have anymore time to waste on this nonsense,"
"What ruffled his feathers anyway?" he asked
"He's in love with Katniss,"
"Oh that! Didn't I pretty much tell him it was pointless?" he recalled the fight from the other day when Gale first saw Cato.
"Gale can be stubborn sometimes," I rolled my eyes and remembered how long it took him to accept any form of help or friendship from me, "He thinks the reason I hid the fact she was alive from him was all a part of my scheme to steal Katniss from him, which was made worse when I warned him not to declare his love straight away because I believed it would overwhelm the Katniss we knew from before,"
"No offence, Lover Boy, but it kind of sounds like that's what you did," Cato smirked
"Yeah, I know that's how it looks, but it's not how it happened. He should know better."
"Why, because you were best pals for a few months?"
"Exactly," I replied
"Uh-huh," Cato looked at me like I wasn't thinking right, "but he was best friends with Katniss for years, probably in love with her just as long, and in his eyes you've known her for all of 5 minutes and you kept this huge secret..."
"Yes. I said I know how it looks," I repeated feeling exasperated, "I get that he feels betrayed, but Katniss explained to him that's not what happened."
"Well, if you think you can get through to him," he shrugged
"Will you sit with her while I'm gone?" I asked, "I don't want her to be left alone,"
"Sure," he said, "It's not as if I have anything else to do,"
"Give it time," I warned him.
I left Katniss's room and wondered where I might find Gale. I checked our room first, he wasn't there. He was probably with his new best friend President Coin.
I headed straight up there and without knocking I barged my way into the main command center where she always seemed to be. Coin was hosting a meeting, Beetee, Plutarch, Rex, Vander, Haymitch, Cinna, Maysilee and Gale were all in attendance.
"Excuse me? There is a meeting in session! You will knock before you enter this room, Peeta Mellark. I'm getting rather tired of your erratic behavior." she said on my entrance.
I had planned to remain calm talking to Gale, but a few words from Coin got under my skin.
"You sent for me and Katniss, right?" I sat down and made myself comfortable, "So you should have expected me to be here. Sorry I'm late. Also I'm sorry Katniss couldn't make it," I glared at Gale,
"Peeta, why are you acting like this? You need to calm down," Haymitch came over and put his hand on my shoulder
"Calm down?" I laughed, "Coin signed Katniss out of the hospital before she was ready and then had the nerve to send her new lapdog for her in the same evening."
"Peeta..." he tried to protest again,
"Did Gale tell you what happened when he came to get her?" I asked them
"He told us that she had one of her panic attacks," Maysilee answered, "Poor dear,"
"That's right, she did. It probably had something to do with the fact he began professing his love for her and grabbed at her arm and triggers her into one, and yet somehow I'm the irrational one?"
A few people threw surprised looks at Gale, I looked over at Cinna who slowly shook his head in a warning that said, not now,
"Don't do this now, we don't have time for this stupid love triangle drama, we have bigger fish to fry," Haymitch said, pleading with his eyes for me to stop. What the hell was going on here?
"You think that's the reason I'm angry?" I cried, "I'm not angry because he has feelings for her! I'm angry because he upset her and grabbed at her causing a panic attack. I'm angry because of President Coin's insane order to have her released early from the hospital and is expecting her to go to war in the Capitol after all she's been through. So tell me, Haymitch, when is the right time to talk about this? While she has a PTSD episode while we're being fired at by peacekeepers? Have you even bothered to see Katniss yet? She was your tribute, the girl you promised me you would help save!" I asked him, knowing that he hadn't seen her yet.
"None of us were allowed to see her while she was on the medical floor," Cinna explained,
"I wonder why," I narrowed my eyes at Coin,
"I only allowed you, Cato, Gale and her family," Coin replied, "We didn't want anyone else in case it might overwhelm her," whilst the argument was plausible, I didn't believe that was her true reasoning for it. If she had made that choice out of concern, she wouldn't have ordered an early release. I didn't know that the others weren't allowed in to see her, so I felt bad a little bad for attacking Haymitch but I was still annoyed that he kept taking Coin's side. Why couldn't he see why I was upset? Why couldn't Cinna?
"I beg your pardon. I didn't realize you were so concerned for her wellbeing." I replied sarcastically,
"Of course we are," Coin responded cooly, "Katniss is important to us,"
"Is that why you had her released from hospital early?" I challenged
"You're right, the doctor recommended that she stay a few more days, but he didn't seem too worried about as long as she was closely monitored, which she is being of course," Coin explained. I wondered which Doctor she talked to? I knew for a fact that Nurse Willa was against the idea, "We have a lot of work to do and we need her to be ready. Don't worry, it would be light duties only for her. It's not as if I'd be expecting her to begin any rigorous training for a couple of weeks. We wanted you both up here to talk you through the plan and get her ready for her interview." then her cool gazed burned into me. "Now if you're finished with acting the fool, then I suggest you listen closely Peeta Mellark. I will not be spoken to with such disrespect. I am the authority here, remember that."
I was barely listening. I could only focus on the part where she said they wanted to prepare Katniss for an interview, she thought that fell under the category of light duties did she? "She's not ready for an interview!" I cried
"She needs to do an interview just like the others did," Plutarch replied, "Katniss became a symbol of hope in the Capitol, her voice would be heard the loudest. Her interview may be the most important one we do,"
"Plutarch. I'm begging you, please." I said, my voice breaking slightly. "Katniss told me everything tonight," I told them, "She told me all the horrendous things she went through," I held back my emotions as best as I could. I didn't want to break in front of them. "They almost destroyed her! I don't want her to have to go through all that pain again in front of a camera."
"What about the others, Peeta?" Haymitch countered, "They had to go through all of their pain again. Some of them took it pretty badly and it triggered their PTSD too. Who stopped to help them afterwards? We did. Maysilee, Finnick and myself. None of them really wanted to do it, but in the end they did it willingly because they knew that it would help people turn against Snow. Why would you want to take that choice away from Katniss?"
"I'm not saying she shouldn't be given the choice or even that she shouldn't do it." I cried, "All I'm saying is not now, Haymitch!"
"Then when do you suggest Peeta?" Haymitch replied, "When Snow has had the chance to regroup and squash out all the riots?"
"Haymitch is right, Peeta. I'm afraid time isn't on our side here," Rex said sadly, "District Two is in uproar after the interviews went out, especially after Cato's, and it pretty much began a civil war within the District. We need to send the Mockingjay Six to Two as soon as possible, we need to take advantage of this. Use it to overtake the Nut and sway the rioters and get them to join us. Though, we do understand that Katniss will not be able to join you this time."
"Do we have a deal, Peeta?" Coin asked
I wasn't happy about it, but I agreed that going to Two now was a good call, "I have a few conditions," I replied
"Of course you do." Coin rolled her eyes, "Very well, let's hear them,"
"I'll willingly go to Two with the The Mockingjay Six minus Katniss, but in the meantime you have leave her alone until I return. Then, and only then, will we ask her permission to film an interview. It will not be a demand or an order, it has to be her choice. She's had too much of that taken away from her already."
"Anything else?" she asked
"Yes," I replied, "If she agrees, the questions will not be as personal as the others interviews were. That was unnecessary cruelty." I stared her down a minute, hoping that the others felt this way too, "If you don't agree or break your promise, I will not be the Mockingjay for you anymore and I will make sure that Katniss doesn't help you either."
Coin nodded, "Okay, Mellark, that sounds reasonable enough, but I have some terms of my own." she said, "No more of these outbursts, you live in my District, you follow my rules. You will be our Mockingjay and do what we ask of you, when we ask you. If you don't like the way we do something, I don't care. I don't want to hear about it, all I want to hear is 'Yes ma'am', is that understood?"
I nodded, she was playing hardball.
"Also, you will start participating in this District as you are supposed to, your grace period is now over and you were meant to receive your schedule this morning, but you failed to adhere."
I could play by the rules for now and keep the peace, but I needed to sweeten the deal first, "Fine. I can agree to be your golden puppet boy," I agreed, "but not Katniss. She will always have a choice in how she helps and if and when she wants to," I will not let her live another day with her free will taken away from her,
"I need her in those Capitol propos," Coin replied
"She has already told me that she wants to do them," I told her, "But it will depend on how her recovery and training goes,"
Coin paused thoughtfully for a moment, weighing up the pros and cons. It was a good deal, she'd be a fool not to accept it. My complete obedience in exchange for lenience with Katniss.
"Okay," Coin said finally, "We have a deal"
"Great," I replied,
"Wonderful," Plutarch cried, breaking some of the tension, "I think it's best we wait for Peeta to return anyway," he said to Coin, "Can you imagine how much better the interview with Katniss would be if we did it with the two of them?" he smiled, "Finnick will question them together and we'll really flesh out that star-crossed lover's story and give the people what they've been dying to see. Oh what great TV it would make," he said excitedly
"It's not a story," I sighed, frustrated, "We love each other,"
"Yes, yes! Exactly!" he cried, "you've been professing your love on national television every chance you had and the people want more! They're hungry for it!"
"So it's settled then," said Coin, "The Mockingjay Six - minus Katniss - will set off for District Two tomorrow morning,"
"Tomorrow morning?" I queried
"Why? Will that be a problem?" she had grown tired of me, I could tell.
Yes. "No ma'am," I replied
If we we're all heading out to District Two together I really needed to focus on what I had come up here to do in the first place. I needed to talk to Gale and try and smooth things over before we are dropped off into a potential warzone.
"If I may, can I be excused?" I asked "I have some affairs to get in order and I would also like to borrow Gale if you don't mind. We have some things we need to discuss,"
"Very well. You're both dismissed for now. I'd like you both to return in 2 hours, bring Cato. We need to discuss our strategy for Two,"
We nodded and left the room. I headed back for our quarters; Gale followed in silence. When we got back my Dad was in the room, I hadn't really seen him in a couple of days, he always seemed be out when I was here. During the brief encounter I had with him yesterday, he told me that he had been recruited into the kitchens as a baker. Thirteen never tasted such good bread before.
"Peeta, Gale. Hi," he greeted us, but he was met by our solemn faces, "Is everything okay?" he asked
"I'll explain later," I replied, "I hate to kick you out of your own room, Dad. But would you mind giving Gale and I a few moments alone to talk?" I asked him
"Sure thing, Clara and I were about to head down and get something to eat anyway," I had noticed that he and Katniss's mom had grown closer over the last couple of days. She seemed to be helping him to grieve for our family, she had lost a husband so to some extent she knew how it felt.
I was feeling guilty because I felt like I had pretty much abandoned my dad since we got here, right when he needed me the most. I know he needed me around more and I wished I could be there for him, that we could help each other grieve for our family together. Between making sure Katniss was okay, learning how to help manage her anxieties, following Coin's orders to do those damn interviews and trying to fit time in to eat or sleep properly, I wasn't allotted any time to grieve. It was a luxury that didn't have right now.
I both envied my dad and pitied him, he was going through all the emotions and dealing with the pain and it was heart breaking to see him go through it and not be able to be there for him. It was something I wasn't looking forward to, but knew would catch up to me some day soon.
"I'm really sorry I'm leaving you alone so much," I told him and quickly pulled him into a hug, "We need to catch up properly soon. I promise,"
"It's okay, Peeta, I understand," he said, "You have to worry about your girl, and you have a country to save. I'll be here when you're ready,"
"Thanks Dad," we shared our embrace for a moment longer then he left me alone with Gale.
"Out with it then," Gale said finally, "I know you're dying to say you told me so,"
"I thought you knew me better than that," I said, "Than all of this..." I gestured between us, "What happened to you, Gale? You've changed. You're here for 5 minutes and suddenly your President Coin's favourite new Guard. You're upsetting Katniss and you keep coming for me. You said you'd respect whatever Katniss decided, they were your words,"
"You never gave her a chance to decide," Gale replied,
"She had years to decide, Gale!" I cried, I was growing so impatient with this. "I don't know how many times this needs to be said, but I promise you that it's going to be the last time I say it. I didn't keep Katniss a secret or tell you to step back just so I could swoop in and steal her from you first. I know it might look that way but it's not how it went down. I made a choice about keeping her a secret for lots of reasons and I stick by that, but it wasn't for these motivations you keep insinuating. Katniss made all her own decisions about us and I followed her lead, in my place you know you would have done the same. I wasn't going to hurt her by lying to her about my feelings. She even told you this herself."
"You probably told her to say that," he muttered
I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face, "Believe me, don't believe me. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of going over and over this. I am truly sorry that it hurts you and that you feel betrayed, that's not how I wanted any of this to happen."
Gale folded his arms and huffed
"But you've got a choice to make now. You can either do whatever it takes to move past this and fix your friendship with Katniss, or you can carry on acting like this and probably lose her as a friend too. Either way, we've got a job to do and we can't work together as a team while we're at war with each other," I told him, "Besides, you're not the only one who has a reason to be pissed off. I was so mad at you for upsetting, Katniss," I said, "for being so careless and hurting her like that,"
"Why? I bet it helped you out with her even more and pushed her further into your arms,"
Astounded by his ridiculous reply, I just laughed. Gale rolled a sleeve up and took a step forward like he wanted to hit me, but quickly backed down like he thought better of it, "What you laughing at?" he demanded
"All this time you still have me all wrong," I said, "Why would seeing Katniss estranged from her friend make me happy? You're important to her, Gale, you've always been important to her and I always want you to be important to her. And I'm sure whether she's in love with you or not, she's important to you too. Do not let this ruin your friendship with her. She needs people around her that she trusts."
"She trusts me," he said defensively, "she always has,"
"You triggered a panic attack by grabbing at her, I'm guessing some of that trust is broken. She still needs you, Gale, why don't you start to show her that you can still be that friend she needs you to be."
"And while I'm busy being just her friend, what is it that you're going to be for her?" he asked me
"Whatever she asks of me, whatever she needs me to be." I replied, "I told you, its all her decision, it will always be her decision."
"It's been hard," Gale said as he took a seat on one of the cot beds, "I always thought it would just be me and her against the world, and that one day she would inevitably fall for me like I did her."
I spent years thinking my love for Katniss was unrequited, so I know first how it felt to be in love with a girl who I believed would never even look my way. But I understand why it hit him harder, he was such a strong presence in her life that what he said about thinking they'd one day end up together made total sense. Even I believed that one day she and Gale would end up together.
"I'm sorry that you feel this way." I told him again, "But I'm not sorry that I love her. I've always been transparent about my feelings. There was no sneaking, no lying, no manipulating involved. She loves me, Gale. How many times did you, yourself, try to convince me of that fact back in Twelve?" I reminded him,
He looked sheepish, "Did you just say all of that to make me feel better?" I asked him
"A bit of both, maybe. I can't help the way I feel," he shrugged, he was trying to act nonchalant about it, but I wasn't buying it.
"Neither can I, but she made her decision, Gale,"
"Fine. I'll back off," he said with a huff,
"We don't want you to back off," I told him, "That's the point of this whole conversation. Katniss needs her friend, and I would like my friend back too, but I understand if that's too hard for you. All I'm asking is that we can be civil, for both her sake and for the sake of this war. Can you do that?"
"I don't know," he said, "but I'll try, for her at least,"
"That's all I can ask for, I guess," I sat down on my dad's bunk which was opposite my bed, the one Gale was currently sat on.
"Are we good?" I asked
"I said I'll try," he replied with a shrug,
I sighed, I wasn't sure how much headway I made, but this definitely felt like a make it or break it kind of conversation.
"So how did all this happen so quickly?" I asked, changing the subject and gestured to his soldier uniform
"After seeing Katniss that first time I went to Coin and told her I didn't need a grace period. I wanted to help and be put straight to work. I told her about how much I wanted to help take down the Capitol. Haymitch vouched for me so she gave me a shot," he explained, "I really like her you know, she's tough but she'll pull this off. We're going to beat Snow, I know it."
He was blinded to her; he couldn't see what I saw in her. The capacity to be as bad as Snow if she is given the chance. She made me nervous, I wondered if anyone else saw it too. I hoped so.
Gale went back up to Coin after our chat, I headed back next door. Katniss was awake hugging her knees looking strung out, Cato was by her side talking softly to her holding her hand.
"Hey, what happened?" I asked softly
"Nightmare," Cato answered for her
I realized that it was the first time she had been to sleep in Thirteen without being under the influence of some kind of drug or painkiller. "Cato, we've got to go meet with Coin in the next or so hour. They're planning to ship us out to Two tomorrow."
"What? Why?" Katniss looked panicked,
"Because we promised to help them," I replied and I quickly explained to her the plan to send us out to Two, conveniently leaving out the part about my deal with Coin, "Don't worry we'll be fine and we'll be back before you know it," I assured her
Prim and Mrs Everdeen re-entered then, they had brought back a meal for Katniss. "Perfect timing," I smiled at them
I quickly filled Prim in on the situation and asked her to keep Katniss company while we were gone
"Of course," she smiled
Since her family were back, Cato and I decided to give them some peace and go and get our own meals before going back to Coin.
I promised Katniss that I'd come back after the meeting to let her know what was happening.
As Cato and I ate in the food hall, I filled him in on the full conversation with Coin before we headed to the command center where we sat for a long-winded meeting, in which I was on my absolute best behaviour, as promised. As plans for Two were discussed, I got the distinct feeling that they weren't telling us everything.
After the meeting, I returned back to Katniss's room to find she was asleep again. It was late so I shouldn't have been all that surprised, but I was a little disappointed as I wanted to speak to Katniss properly before shipping out. I wasn't sure if I'd get much chance in the morning, but I'd make sure to squeeze in a visit before I left.
I asked Prim to come and get me if she wakes up or if they needed me for anything, she promised she would so I decided to turn in myself. Tomorrow was going to be a big day and I would need sleep.
In the middle of the night I was woken by a noise. I looked towards the door, someone was letting themselves in. I sat up and saw it was Katniss. "Are you okay?" I asked her, keeping my voice down careful not to wake anyone.
My dad was still asleep in his cot across the room or at least pretending to be asleep. I stuck my head out to check Gale's bunk, but he wasn't there.
"I had another nightmare," she whispered, "My screaming keeps waking them, they want to help and comfort me, but I don't want to keep burdening them with this. Or you for that matter..." she trailed off, "I'm sorry I should go,"
"No, don't," I got up and offered up my bed, "Did you want to try sleeping here?" I offered, "I'll take the floor,"
She took uncertain steps forward but she seemed somewhat relieved when she climbed onto my cot. I threw one of the spare pillows on the floor and prepared myself for the hard floor but she grabbed my wrist,
"Would you sleep beside me?" she asked, I could tell that she had to work up a lot of courage to ask that. I could hear the nerves in her voice.
"Are you sure?" I asked. She nodded, "Okay, I'll be careful," I whispered
I climbed into the cot beside her, laying on my back and put my hands under my head so that I couldn't accidentally touch her. She turned and rested her head in the crook of my neck and put her arm across my bare chest, she was wearing a black t shirt and loose pyjama pants. I rested my head gently against hers. All my nerve endings were singing being this close to her. I had never felt so nervous in my life. Her eyes were closed and her breathing had slowed and evened out.
"I love you," I whispered, but she was already asleep.