Warning: Uuuuuhhh...you guys okay?
Jacob was shaking violently before her. Low clouds had rolled in on the horizon and it threatened to rain. The thunder sounded ominously off the shore and Grace was standing, stock still on her front porch staring at the boy she loved as he crumbled.
"You….you slept with him?" his voice cracked from the weight of the words. She was out of tears, her eyes just burned fiercely and her voice croaked with dehydration.
"Yes," it killed her to admit it. Something in her cracked as she tried to move toward him. He shot her a look and exhaled a fierce breath through his nose.
"No," he growled. His eyes leveled her with a silent command that locked her in place. She had to obey. Her eyes went wide and she stopped and clenched her hands around the bottom of her shorts.
"It just...happened. I didn't..we knew it was a mistake right away. I'm so sorry, please. I—," Grace couldn't move from the spot she was in and she felt like she was choking. The hurt radiated off of Jacob's body in clear pulses as he shook wildly. She thought he was going to explode, a part of her really wanted him to so that she could feel the pain she knew she deserved at this moment.
The thunder clapped behind him again, louder this time, the storm coming in too fast. The sound echoed in her head and she felt a rush move through her. Another change—a strangled small sound escaped her lips as she tried to step forward toward him.
Jake's face twisted in anger, his teeth clenched, and his fists hung heavy by his sides. His breathing was fast and loud and she braced for impact. Oh how she wished he would.
A cry like that of a wounded animal escaped his lips and she felt her insides twist wildly in excruciating pain. Was he doing that? Grace's eyes widened in fear.
But then, the anger was replaced with debilitating sadness and tears sprang to his eyes. He went limp, his eyes casting to the ground and Grace felt the constricting pain loosen.
This was somehow worse. Much worse. After a few terrifying moments of silence he raised his eyes to hers, black with quiet rage, took one ragged breath and said with venom laced in his voice, "I hate you."
Grace broke into a thousand pieces, whimpering in the spot she couldn't seem to leave. Before she could get anything out, he had turned, phased and left through the trees. It felt like someone had cut a taut thread holding her body together. She felt her body let out a scream as he left, still unable to move, so Grace did the only thing she thought she could do. She called out to him in her mind desperately:
JACOB! JAKE. JAKE PLEASE. JACOB, COME BACK!
But she couldn't hear him anymore. She collapsed in a heap on the ground. It felt like she was bleeding but she had no physical wounds to speak of. The ache in her belly exploded into a thrashing snake that burned and tore at her. Thunder echoed around as rain came crashing down around her in a torrential downpour. There was no relief.
She felt everything for what felt like forever and then, excruciatingly, she felt nothing at all. For however long Grace had laid there, it rained on her and she welcomed it. She turned onto her back and let her mouth hang open as rain dripped down her throat. Nothing offered any relief. She was empty.
Grace heard splashing footsteps approach. She was still soaked through and shivering but she pulled herself up and stood, uneven on her two feet. Her vision blurred from the rain and she rubbed her eyes to clear them just in time to see Rachel, stomping toward her.
In one fell swoop, Rachel raised her arm and slapped Grace as hard as she could across the face. The searing pain whipped through her cheek and into the back of her head, sending white lights popping behind her eyes. She wasn't sure if she let out any sound other than heaving a breath before she righted herself to see Rachel rigid with anger.
"How fucking dare you." her voice was seething and Grace flinched at it's acid. She opened her mouth as if to reply but Rachel's eyes warned her not too. "How dare you treat me and my brother like this. I have no idea who you are but if the old Grace is in there, relay this message to her as well." She paused for a second and leaned in so her face was close to Grace's. "FUCK. YOU." Rachel was fire and Grace was dry grass. She was consumed by her rage and turned to ash. Rachel took one last look at her, spitting on the ground next to her and walked away.
Grace staggered on the spot and pulled herself up the steps holding onto her left cheek where Rachel had slapped her. As she pushed through her open doorway, sopping and dripping, she slipped in a puddle of her own making. She landed hard on the wood floor just inside of her front door and stayed there. Her heartbeat slowed and she hoped that sleep would take her at least for a little while. But the pain returned to keep her awake as long as it wanted, raking her over the coals and making her see Jacob's pained face, hear the echoing words 'I hate you' over and over and Rachel's tearful, enraged face as she screamed at her.
Grace fell into the unending black.
July
August
September
The cool, late summer air pushed through the open window. Soft steps down the stairs leading into the kitchen complemented the peaceful silence that hung in the air right before sunrise. The coffee machine sputtered quietly as the soft footsteps made their way to the couch, covering the sleeping boy with a light throw blanket, his broad, russet back exposed.
Steam wafted from the top of the coffee cup as it was pressed to full lips. The sun slowly rose, breaking over Grace's face as she stood on the edge of the beach letting the cold turning water lap up and kiss her toes. She stared out over the horizon, letting the day wash over her, trembling from the cold or the anticipation. Shaking the last of the pain prickling in her hands free, she took a deep breath and turned to go back inside.
A couple hours after day break, Grace walked over to the sleeping form on her couch.
"Hey, wake up. Breakfast," she nudged the grumbling boy in the shoulder and waved an oversized stack of pancakes in front of his face. The boy's eye peeped open and reached for the stack. "At the table." Grace said, her voice monotone.
Embry slumped into the chair across from her and dug into a stack of pancakes untouched by Grace. She picked over a bowl of yogurt and watched him chow down.
"Late night?" she offered. He nodded between bites, his eyes rolling into the back of his head in pure bliss at the food.
"Yeah, ran damn near to Canada. Thanks for letting me crash," he said mouth full. Grace nodded. This was a regular thing with most of the pack. Her home was a stop gap between Forks and the rez. Sometimes, if they were too tired, they'd crash at her place, not able to make it all the way home. She left her door unlocked and would often find a snoring member on her couch, in her armchair, or on the spare mattress she set up in her office for just such an occasion.
At first, she had internally protested their presence. The first week after Jake was gone, Grace didn't leave the house. Embry and Quil had made quick work of the locked door without damaging it (much to Jared's dismay) and found her in bed, conscious but not responsive.
"Should we call someone?" Embry had said worriedly as he sat on the side of her bed after trying to make her look at him. "Ti'Hal maybe?" Quil shifted uneasily from foot to foot and nodded over his shoulder. Jared and Embry followed him out into the hall where he quietly said,
"Let's try to find Jake first. And if we can't, then we'll bring in Ti'Hal, yeah?" Jared was peering through the door with fear in his eyes. While he'd never seen it himself, he recognized something in Grace that he'd heard only in the legends. He kept his mouth shut though and nodded to the others.
"Yeah, let's find Jake."
But they were unsuccessful. No matter how far they ran in any direction, they heard nothing. After that first week, Embry, Quil, and Jared would casually start showing up at Grace's place, prying open the door and sleeping over on the couch or munching on snacks in the kitchen. The noise roused Grace more than once and when she finally found enough energy to creep down the top steps looking haggard she was met with a delighted wave from Quil. She scowled and turned back up to her room locking herself in.
Seth and Leah quickly followed suit, then Brady and Collin, and even Sam. Sam had taken one look at her after that first week and the next day Emily was there, tidying up the house, cooking meals, and rolling Grace onto her side like an elderly patient to change her sheets. Leah had hauled her from the bed from under the arms and put her in the tub, carefully undressing her and turning on the hot water. Grace had broken down into tears in the bathtub as Leah had washed her hair like she was a little kid. Leah didn't protest when Grace leaned into her, getting soap all over her shirt and sobbed.
She'd refused to see Ti'Hal, mostly due to shame. She wasn't ready to hear the extent to which she had royally fucked up. Not yet.
Grace crossed her arms, sitting back and staring past Embry toward the door.
"So...the big day is upon us," Embry said gently. Grace snapped her eyes back to him looking for clarification. When she dazed off like that everything went out of focus and she lost all connection to solid ground. "Bella and the leech are getting married?" he prompted.
"Oh, yeah," Grace said, closing her eyes tight to shake off the blurriness and come back to center. "Yeah, tomorrow. You still coming?"
Embry shrugged his shoulders not meeting her eyes as he finished off his pancakes. Grace got lost again and only came to when Embry patted her shoulder and said goodbye.
"Are you gonna be able to walk in those?" Grace said skeptically, sitting on the front deck of the Cullen house and watching as Bella scraped across the wood leaving marks. Even though the weather was still fairly warm for September, Grace was wrapped in a blanket wearing a giant oversized sweater and sweatpants. She was constantly cold these days.
"Can't I just go barefoot?" Bella said, unsteady on her feet. Alice looked like someone had punched her in the stomach, not that she would feel it if they had.
"Absolutely not! This isn't some backyard hoedown, you will wear the Jimmy Choos and you will appreciate the Jimmy Choos." Alice chided. She tried to demonstrate again for Bella, gliding gracefully across the deck.
"To be fair, it is in a backyard," Bella said. Grace pointed a finger at her and her eyes lit up momentarily before being clouded by dull pain. Bella watched the fleeting moment of joy dissipate on Grace's face with increased worry.
It had been three months. Three months since Jake had taken off. No one tried to go after him at first, but it became clear as the hours turned into days and turned into weeks that he wasn't coming back. Whatever broke in Grace that day had broken in Jacob too.
After a month, Bella asked Edward to go looking for him, hoping that the luck he had last time in finding Jake would happen again. But nothing came of it. He and Carlisle reached out to their contacts but they were very limited in offering identifying information considering they were trying to keep the pack's existence a secret.
He was just gone. And Grace was left behind. The pack was in disarray as Grace lost herself. Sam had banished her from patrols and trainings since she couldn't stay focused. Her recasting was almost nonexistent—anytime she tried to recast she ended up miles away from where she intended. She was thrown completely out of sync.
As she sat watching Bella scrape her way across the deck, Grace felt that familiar buoying sensation that made her feel like she was thrashing around in an open ocean, unsteady and untethered. This feeling was constant ever since she felt that thread snap in her when Jake left. She rubbed absently at the dark purple bruises under her eyes from the ongoing lack of sleep. It was if her body was punishing her for what she did during the day and her mind took up the task at night throwing nightmare after nightmare that would leave her screaming herself awake in a cold sweat.
She tightened the blanket around her to brace herself against the feeling more and gave Bella a weary smile when she looked her way.
"Bella you have to promise me you'll practice this week. There's only five days left!" Alice squealed.
"I have been practicing," Bella said with a terrified look on her face.
"Just….practice more then!" Alice said cheerfully.
Bella dropped Grace off at Sam and Emily's place in the afternoon. Grace plopped into the nearest chair in the kitchen. Emily turned to look over at her as she kneaded some bread dough on the counter.
"How was it?" she said nonchalantly. Grace made a sound of affirmation, not wanting to elaborate. Sam walked out from the bedroom door, pulling a shirt over his head before kissing Emily on the temple. He looked across the kitchen at Grace and she gave him that desperate faraway stare.
As far as Spirit Bird's went, she was probably the worst in her histories. Completely useless to her Alpha and unable to do anything of value at the moment. The girl who had decimated a horde of newborn vampires in a clearing was long gone. She could hardly lift her arms above her head. Sam glanced from Grace to Emily who gave him a worried nod, encouraging him to say what they had discussed earlier.
"I think it's time to see Ti'Hal," he said in a stern voice. Grace took awhile to react, slow and encumbered with fatigue at just existing. She let out a tired breath and tried to protest:
"Sam," she croaked weakly, but he just shook her head at her, throwing what little energy she had to fight out the window. "Fine." she said sullenly. Let Ti'Hal tell her she was broken, that there'd been a mistake, that she wasn't actually the Spirit Bird but a perfect fake who destroyed lives instead.
Ti'Hal's home was small but well maintained thanks to the community. She held most of the tribes histories and so she was treasured amongst nearly every member of the tribe. Sam handed Grace over to Ti'Hal on the doorstep much like a child of divorcees. She felt like that a lot recently: a helpless kid who didn't know what to do or how to exist in this world. It drove her crazy, but the painful stupor kept her still.
Ti'Hal gave Sam a small, sad smile and took Grace's hand leading her into her home to the small comfortable living room. She had a fire going and Grace trembled at it's warmth, only a faint echo of the warmth she used to feel with Jake. She slumped to the floor and Ti'Hal shuffled away to the kitchen to make some tea as Grace stared into the fire.
Before long Ti'Hal was next to her, handing her a cup of tea and settling into the armchair next to her. Grace leaned her back against the side of the armchair and let out a whimper.
"Where have you been, Little Bird?" Ti'Hal said softly, her gentle, raspy voice mixing in with the flames. Grace wasn't sure how to answer and shook her head. "There is so much pain you have caused each other. Why? Why do you fight so hard against who you are?"
Grace turned her body to look at Ti'Hal. Anger, the only emotion her body would let her feel completely other than pain, was apparent on her face. Ti'Hal continued.
"You're angry about the imprint. What you see as cruel fate interfering with your happiness. But what if you are seeing it through the wrong eyes?"
Grace's face contorted to that of confusion. "Who's eyes am I supposed to look through if the whole problem is I'm fighting against who I'm supposed to be?"
"Grace, you are exceptionally perceptive at feelings, but you are not listening. What has your heart been telling you this whole time?"
"That he will leave me for his imprint so I retroactively fucked us up as a form of self-destruction and protection to ensure at least one of us ends up happy." Grace said aggressively. Ti'Hal shook her head.
"The imprint...the imprint is more than a means to an end. An imprint happens when the wolf warrior needs it most, when they are exactly who they are supposed to be. It is the purest form of fate, that is dictated by the fated's actions. You see fate as cruel, something you cannot control, but you are the one dictating it with every move of your muscle. So why do you insist on betraying yourself?"
"I don't understand," Grace said slowly.
"Stop worrying about fate and become your truest self. Only then will it fall into place. Who you're meant to be, who he is meant to be. If you don't, you will continue in this dance around one another and only end up suffering."
"That's it? Just be yourself? That's your world changing advice?" Grace said, the anger back again. She was on her feet. Ti'Hal nodded, so sure. "Ti'Hal what?! Don't you see what's happened? I fucked up! I broke. And I destroyed the only thing that was good...for me." She choked.
"Where there is a break, there is healing. You are the Spirit Bird. So heal. The uncertainty will dissolve when you make the decision and become who you are meant to be."
"They made a mistake. The ancestors. I'm not...I don't think I can do this. I'm not strong enough for this," Grace was shaking, swaying in place. A hard look came across Ti'Hal's face and her arm shot out with such speed and force that it startled Grace.
"Fight HARDER for yourself." Grace felt fire run up her arm, ignite her veins from Ti'Hal's touch and the dull cloud of pain cleared. Hot flames licked down her body, burning away the cold that had trapped her since Jake was gone. The snapped thread still hung empty in her body, but she felt the solid ground under her feet for the first time in awhile.
Ti'Hal let go of her and the feeling remained, echoing in ripples up and down her body. "He will return. His soul has heard the call of another's and he won't be able to stay away for too long. I suggest you prepare yourself by heeding my advice. Become who you were meant to be, for the good of the tribe, for your pack, for young Jacob Black. For you." She said firmly, the last words echoing in Grace's head loudly. She nodded, swallowing hard, to show she understood and crept toward the door.
When she pushed it open, the cool air washed over her feverish body and she shivered from the sensation. Her senses had been dulled for so long and now she felt everything again, the pain, the rush of the wind, the sound of the ocean crashing nearby, the warm earth under her feet.
As she took a step out of the door, onto the grass, her body shifted and she recast deep into the forest, coming to a stop next to Sam. He was addressing the pack and turned to look at her. The pack followed his gaze to her and she looked to each of them, resolved to heal, resolved to find her way back to them.