Chapter 31

Ana

"You're going to be fine. Repeat after me. 'I'm going to be fine.'"

"I'm going to be… fuck." A bobby pin digs in my scalp.

I'm on the phone with Ezra, being primped within an inch of my life, as one stylist touches up my hair and the other attempts to shove and tape me into the dress I'm wearing tonight. This is what I get for asking Mia's opinion. It's a nude, lace, backless dress with a full, A-line skirt. Not to mention, a plunging neckline. If a boob doesn't pop out, I'm popping a bottle tonight. Admittedly, it is gorgeous. The skirt is tulle, covered in little jewels tracing botanical patterns like ivy, flowers, and leaves.

"That is not what I said."

"I'm sorry. I'm going to be fine. Maybe."

"All done!" one of the stylists announces. She puts her hands on my shoulders and spins me around to look in the mirror.

Okay, maybe Mia was right.

My hair is pinned back out of my face and flowing down my back in waves, my makeup is light and natural, and the dress compliments my skin tone nicely while accentuating all the right places.

I turn around and smile at them. "Thank you so much. You're amazing." They start to gather their equipment and I take Ezra off speakerphone. "Am I going to be fine?"

"Yes. You're going to focus on breathing and forget the camera is there. If you need to look at something, look at me."

"Do you double as a motivational coach for everyone you work with?"

He laughs. "You're a special case."

I hold up my skirt and gingerly walk downstairs, doing a mental fist-pump that I made it in these shoes without a trip to the emergency room, then skid to a stop when I see Christian sitting in the great room, on the floor with our children, staring at me with a look that can only be described as eye-fucking. "Whoa! When did you get here?"

He chuckles. "Sorry. I texted you." His hair is arranged in some artful version of the usual unruly mess and he's looking edible in a tuxedo. Oh shit. Are my panties wet?

"Oh. I didn't see it. Ezra, I have to go. See you soon, thanks for the pep talk."

"Anytime. Until later!"

I walk into the room a little farther and Teddy and Phoebe look up at me. "Wow, Mommy, you look like a princess!" Teddy gasps. Phoebe stands up and starts to play with the skirt of my dress.

"I've told you many times, sweetie, baby sister is the princess around here. Now Mommy and Daddy have to get going. Are you going to be good for Gail?" He nods with determination. I smile and kneel down, wrapping both of them into a hug. "I knew it. I love you so much, okay? I'll see you tomorrow morning at Grandma's?" Gail is spending the evening with them, then dropping them off at Grace and Carrick's in the morning where we'll all be staying tonight.

"Yes, Mommy. Love you," Teddy says, his voice muffled into my shoulder. Christian says his goodbyes and gives his hugs and kisses and then we're off.

He holds out his hand, which I accept. "I would tell you that you look sensational, but you can probably tell," he says as he adjusts himself.

I feel my cheeks heat up. "That's definitely a bad idea."

He leads me out to the car and helps me gather the dress inside of it. "The bad ideas have been the best part of my week." He winks and shuts the door.

Once he climbs in on his side, he reaches over and takes my hand again and we begin the journey to Bellevue. "Are you nervous?"

"Kind of. Why?"

"Your hand is shaking. And your friend was giving you a pep talk?"

"You should have seen me before the first one. I was shoving napkins into my armpits. I barely even remember half of it, I think I blacked out. I feel better than that… but still anxious. I just hope it goes smoothly."

He gives my hand a squeeze. "It will. What do you need from me? What can I do?"

"Distract me?" He gets a mischievous look in his eye. "With conversation," I clarify. Our car sex days were many moons ago, darling.

"Fine. What are the ground rules for tonight?"

"What do you mean?"

"How… physical is our united front?"

My cheeks flush once again. "I'd say somewhere in between hand-holding and a trip to the boathouse."

He smirks. I'm sure we have similar images flashing through our heads. "Kissing?"

"Allowed."

"Groping?"

"Over the clothes. This is for the cameras, keep it classy."

"Do the kisses have to stay over the clothes as well?"

I reach over and smack his arm. "You seriously need to stop," I laugh.

"Ana, we're contained in a small space together and you're wearing that. I'm trying to be good, but I'm only human."

"I think the best thing we can do to stick it to them is actually have fun tonight. Just… hang out. I think… I'm not sure where our relationship stands right now, but I think we need to start nurturing a friendship. We kind of skipped that part and went straight to marriage."

"Friendship," he repeats, testing the word out. "I think that's a noble pursuit… but I'll admit, I don't think about my friends the way I think about you."

Yeah, I don't want you like a best friend either, but we have to start somewhere. "Did it never bother you that we hardly really knew each other before we made a supposedly lifelong commitment?" I ask seriously.

He searches my face, which I make a valiant effort to keep neutral. "No. I knew I loved you. We got to know each other as we went. Don't you feel like that?"

"I used to, but…" But then you broke my heart and now you feel like some weird mix between a stranger and the person I still love. And there's the elephant in the room again. I sigh. "What I'm saying is, I think it would be best to focus on our general relationship. Not our marriage. We haven't even started counseling yet. Could we try being Christian and Ana? Not husband and wife? See how that goes?"

His brow creases in troubled confusion. "Are you afraid that we don't love each other anymore?"

I shake my head. "I know that we love each other. I wonder if we like each other."

I can almost see the distinction rolling around in his head as he tries to make sense of it. "Christian and Ana. Just hanging out."

I give his hand a squeeze as we pull up outside of Bellevue. As expected, there is a swarm of paparazzi crowded outside the gates. "Yes. Starting with Operation Fuck the Paps."

He finally cracks a smile. "Well then. I intend to enjoy this."

I glance around as we travel up the drive and see the stage set up on the Greys' lawn. There are several people setting up cameras, lights, and sound equipment. It all looks very official. And daunting. I can't believe Ezra and Mia pulled this off in a week.

I feel a tight ball of nerves start to settle in my chest. Thankfully, the area where the gala is being held and the area where I'm performing are on opposite ends of the property. The gala guests will watch me on a screen within their tent, or so I have been informed.

The car comes to a stop in between the approved photo area and the area leading down to my stage. A camera at the gates with a telephoto zoom lens could clearly see us here. Christian gets out and comes over to the open the door on my side, taking my hand and pulling me out of the car and right into his arms. He puts one hand on my lower back and uses the other to cradle the back of my neck, then gives me a light, sweet kiss, fit for a wedding magazine. I can almost hear the clicking of the cameras.

He pulls back and looks at me, his eyes tender. "Was that acceptable?"

"Tolerable," I say, but I can't hold back my smile. "I have to go."

"You're not going in?" he asks, puzzled.

"I don't think I'm technically a guest at the gala. I don't even know if I have a seat. I'm just here to do that." I gesture towards the stage with a nod of my head.

He looks anxious at this, even a little annoyed. "Please tell me you ate dinner before this."

"I ate a meal a couple of hours ago, and then I'll eat again before I go to bed. I'm not skipping any meals, they've just moved." In a move mindful of the lenses undoubtedly focused on us, I lean in and kiss his cheek. "Don't worry about me," I whisper in his ear. I feel him shudder, then pull back and look at him with amusement. "I have to go do sound check. I'll see you later? You know, to hang out?"

He sighs. "You'd better," he almost whines.

I laugh and give him one final kiss before gathering up my dress and starting my trek down the lawn.

I see Ezra discussing something with one of the sound guys and make a beeline towards him, when I feel someone grab my wrist. I whirl around and see Kate. "Hey! What's…"

"Have you lost your mind, Ana?" she snaps. "You showed up with him? Kissing? After what he did?"

I blink in utter confusion. "What the hell are you talking about? Haven't you of all people seen the news? It was fake. He didn't do anything."

She snorts. "Yeah, except abandon you for a fucking year. Have you forgotten that already? When's he moving back in? I thought you were smarter than this."

What the fuck? "Not that it's any of your business, but we are working on our relationship. We have children, Kate, what good would it be for anyone if I shut him out for the rest of my life? As for the kissing, it's no secret that the media has been making both of our lives hell lately, so we agreed that we'd mess with them tonight. It's just fun. And we're going to start marriage counseling. Does that mean we'll get back together? No, but we need to coexist, and whether you like it or not, I will always love him in one form or another. I get that you're my friend and you're protective, but unless you know something I don't know, why do you treat him like he's so evil?"

She folds her arms over her chest. "I know that he's manipulating you into showcasing your relationship all over the news so that he can keep you in his control. No, I don't know anything, but I feel it in my gut. You don't think that's evil?"

"Jesus Christ, Kate. It was my idea. He's done nothing but respect my boundaries lately. I'm the one who keeps kissing him. I'm really failing to see how us trying to improve our relationship is somehow a bad thing."

"Whatever, Ana. Just don't come crying to me when he fucks you over and breaks your heart again. I tried to warn you. He's a mess and he's never going to change."

"Kate—" She turns and storms up the lawn towards the tent.

What the ever-loving fuck was that about?

I see Ezra walking towards me, so I shake it off and make a mental note to do some more digging into whatever the hell that was after tonight. This isn't over.

"Good evening. Wow, you look like a knockout," Ezra greets when he reaches me.

"Thanks. You don't look too bad yourself." He's in an expertly tailored tuxedo, with the bowtie undone and a few buttons of his shirt open. Very bad-boy musician.

"How are you feeling?"

"Nervous. You'll do all the talking?"

"Yes, but most of it will be words on a screen, so we're both pretty much off the hook."

I take a deep breath and square my shoulders. "Okay. Let's get started."

Dinner has been served over in the tent. They're just finishing up the auction, and then it's all eyes on me. My sound check is done, I'm warmed up, everything seems to be working well, and we are just a few minutes out now from the livestream starting. I'm sitting in a chair under a bunch of lights getting my makeup frantically touched up.

Despite my anxiety last time, and everyone else's flurry of activity around me, I'm feeling eerily calm this time, to the point that I wonder aloud if Ezra slipped something into my water.

He laughs loudly at this. "Of course not, Ana. You just know you can handle this, and you're ready to prove yourself."

My face has been declared presentable and we're just about to head into position on stage when I hear something off to the side. "PSSST!"

I squint through the dusk and see Mia and Christian. Mia waves excitedly. I hustle over to them, mindful of the time. "Hey, I thought the auction was still going on?"

She skips up to me and pulls me into a hug. "It is, but we both agreed that we were bored to tears and would rather come hang out with you."

I glance at Christian behind her. He gives me a knowing smile at her choice of words. He's removed his jacket and has his sleeves rolled up to his forearms. Why does that make him look extra delicious? Shit. Focus. "Oh, I don't really have time to hang out. We're about to go live."

She smiles innocently. "Maybe I just meant that I wanted to hang out… near you. And watch this not on a screen."

"Are you asking if you can stay?"

She nods just as one of the guys who seems to be in charge, given the headset he's wearing, comes up to me. "Miss Steele, we need you onstage. Sir, ma'am, we need this area clear."

"Wait, can they stay and watch? They're with me."

"Fine. But they can't talk or touch anything. And they need to stand behind the crew," he says moodily, then walks back over to the camera area.

Mia squeals with excitement and hugs me again. "Good luck! I can't wait!"

Christian gives me a brief but firm hug, and then takes both of my hands. "Hmm, not shaking anymore. Good luck, Ana. Not that you need it." He gazes down at me and I see nothing but pride in his eyes.

"If I didn't just have my makeup touched up, I would kiss you," I admit.

He chuckles. "You'd better go, Miss Steele." Saw that one coming.

"Ana!" Ezra hisses.

"Okay, I'm coming!" I turn and run up the stairs, taking a seat at the piano. They adjust the lighting, a production assistant arranges my skirt around the bench while Headset Guy shouts instructions, and then a 60 second countdown begins.

"When the red light is on, you're live, Miss Steele," Headset Guy yells.

I nod and glance over at Ezra, who is off to the side of the piano, waiting in place with a guitar. "You got this," he mouths.

"Five… four… three… two… one."

The red light goes on. Showing on the screen, I see the statement Ezra and I wrote.

Anastasia and Ezra would like to thank everyone watching for supporting their work and the work of the charity that this performance is going towards, Coping Together. Tonight, we present to you an intimate, acoustic performance of Anastasia's breakout song, Cardigan… and one other surprise. We felt it only fitting that we go back to the start as we share this with you for the first time: just the two of us, making music.

A & E

Suddenly, the camera is on me. I look at Ezra, he silently counts me off, and I begin playing.

Vintage tee, brand new phone…

I forget about the camera, the red light, the people watching, the fact that I should be terrified, and as we said, I go back to the start. Except for me, the start was goes even further back. In front of 100,000 people, it's still just me, finding hope and solace in the comfort of the written word, now silently hoping someone else will, too. I sing myself home.

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite…

As the last notes of the piano fade away, I look up and smile at Ezra as I hear the muted applause and cheers from the tent and from the crew around us. We did it! my subconscious is screaming at me.

The camera turns onto him and he begins his introduction. While off camera, I take my place at a standing microphone and two production assistants hand me a bass guitar, helping me secure the strap and fixing my dress.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for tuning in tonight and for the enthusiasm which Anastasia's work has been met with. I have had the privilege of seeing firsthand what a brilliant natural ability she possesses for creating some of the most powerful musical experiences I've encountered in my career. Not only is she deeply talented, but she has become a close friend. To know her is to love her. Tonight, we are excited to exclusively preview to you, the viewers, the next collaboration we will be releasing, a song which bears the same name as her upcoming album. Without further ado, I present Anastasia Steele, performing Wildest Dreams."

I'm feeling a little misty-eyed after Ezra's unexpectedly complimentary introduction as the camera now shows me. I close my eyes, take one last deep breath, and begin playing.

He said, "Let's get out of this town
Drive out of the city, away from the crowds"
I thought heaven can't help me now
Nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down

He's so tall and handsome as hell
He's so bad but he does it so well
I can see the end as it begins
My one condition is

Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress
Staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your wildest dreams, ah-ha
Wildest dreams, ah-ha

I said, "No one has to know what we do"
His hands are in my hair, his clothes are in my room
And his voice is a familiar sound
Nothing lasts forever, but this is getting good now

He's so tall and handsome as hell
He's so bad but he does it so well
And when we've had our very last kiss
My last request is

Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress
Staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your wildest dreams, ah-ha
Wildest dreams, ah-ha

You'll see me in hindsight
Tangled up with you all night
Burning it down
Someday when you leave me
I bet these memories
Follow you around
You'll see me in hindsight
Tangled up with you all night
Burning it down
Someday when you leave me
I bet these memories
Follow you around

Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress
Staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just pretend

Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress
Staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your
Wildest dreams, ah-ha
In your wildest dreams, ah-ha
Oh, even if it's just in your wildest dreams, ah-ha

In your wildest dreams, ah-ha

I look down and see the crew applauding, and I distinctly recognize Ezra and Mia howling their cheers. I start to laugh from sheer relief and excitement that everything went well, and the red light goes off.

"We're off!" Headset Guy barely gets the words out of his mouth before Mia is running up the stairs and tackling me. I get the guitar off of me just in time to catch her.

"That was amazing! Holy shit! Thank you so much for doing this, Ana, this was the best gala we've ever had!" She practically drags me down the stairs. "Come on, I have a surprise for you!"

"Mia! Wait, my shoes," I laugh. I lean down and slip them off, and when I look up, Christian is standing there. I'm rooted to my position when I see a small smile on his eyes and tears in his eyes.

Mia and Ezra have already begun their way back to the tent, and the crew is too busy cleaning up to pay attention to us, so we have a moment of relative privacy. He clears his throat. "Congratulations."

I don't answer, instead choosing to throw my arms around his neck. He doesn't even stumble, just catches me, steady as ever. "Thank you," I whisper.

"What could you possibly be thanking me for?" he answers in a low voice. I think I detect an edge to it, so I pull back to look at him. He doesn't meet my eyes, so I put my hands on either side of his face and bring them up to me.

"You didn't have to come over here and watch. I would understand if you didn't want to, but you did. And I know that a lot of this is for show… for the cameras, but it's more than that. You support me behind the scenes too, and I don't know if I've told you how much it means to me."

"It's not really for show, Ana," he whispers. "Besides, I would have to be a complete bastard to try and keep you from this when you are clearly made for it. What did the producer say? A brilliant natural ability? That doesn't feel like a strong enough way to put it."

"You know, if you keep saying things like that, I'm going to want to kiss you, and there aren't even any cameras around, so it would be a complete waste," I say with a smirk.

"Well, to your good fortune and my dismay, Mia really wants us inside."

"Oh, fuck these shoes," I mutter, bending over to put them back on.

"No need. I've got this." I yelp as he hoists me up and maneuvers me onto his back so we're in a piggyback position.

"Are you serious?" I laugh. "Is this an appropriate venue for this?"

"You say that as if we haven't fucked in the boathouse at every one of these." I wish I could say I was appalled by his crudeness, but in reality, I let out a cackle, which he quickly joins. "Besides, your ankle is still in a delicate condition. I can't in good conscience let you risk the lawn, in those shoes, in the dark."

I tighten my hold around his shoulders. "How noble of you."

I actually feel buoyant enough that I'm past caring that I'm about to enter a gala riding on my estranged husband's back with no shoes on by the time we enter the tent. I'm greeted with a burst of applause and cheers, and everyone staring at us.

"Anastasia, please make your way to the stage! Well, this one, don't turn around and go back," Mia chirps into the microphone at the front, eliciting a rumble of laughter from the crowd.

Christian sets me on my feet and immediately kneels down and helps me into both of my shoes. Okay, chivalry ain't dead. As soon as I'm able, I make my way to the front as quickly as possible, where Mia and Grace are waiting with huge smiles on their faces. When I make it, they stand me up between them. Being at the front of this tent is much more daunting than being in front of a live camera, I find, and I feel my face flush red.

Grace then speaks. "Ana, we are so unbelievably proud of you. Because of your generosity tonight, you singlehandedly raised $2 million for Coping Together. We cannot thank you enough, and in commemoration of this special night, we wanted to present you with this." She hands me a plaque engraved with my name, the date, the amount of money, and the Coping Together logo.

Mia takes the mic from her. "Blah blah, thank you, Ana, buy and stream Wildest Dreams when it comes out on…" She looks at me questioningly.

"I actually don't know," I whisper, but it carries through the mic, getting another laugh out of them.

"Ezra, where are you?" Mia calls. This is such a shitshow. God, I missed them.

"May 19th!" I hear him yell from over by the bar.

"Yay! Album or single?"

"Single!"

"Oh, when's the album?"

I burst into another cackle at the fact that we're really doing this now. "Whenever Ana decides to let it go!"

Oh, hot seat. Mia holds the mic up to my mouth. "I think it's time for dancing!" I say and hightail it off the stage to the background noise of audience laughter.

I go and meet Ezra by the bar, stopping to show gratitude for a few congratulations along the way as people begin filing onto the dance floor, subtly searching the crowd for Christian as I go.

"Congratulations, darling," Ezra says as he slides a tequila shot towards me.

I shake my head in amusement and take the shot. "I should leave, I have to eat something after that."

"Oh, you want to go? I was hoping for one dance with Mia…"

This catches my attention. "You were hoping to dance with Mia, huh?" He actually blushes and is suddenly very interested in his empty shot glass. "You're allowed to like her, you know."

"I'm of the opinion that you only get one… and I had mine," he says, still staring at the counter.

"Who said anything about love? I said you're allowed to like her. But I don't think you'd say that if you weren't feeling a little something that scared you. Maybe a crush?" I gently prod.

He snickers and finally meets my eyes. "Is this what I do to you? Guess I have it coming."

I glance around the room and find Mia, who has her eyes on us. I give her a wave. "Go dance with her, then we can go."

"Well… if you insist." He puts the glass down and crosses the room with a confident stride in her direction. I smile. I'm going to have to keep an eye on this.

I decide to get some air and slip out of the tent, kicking my shoes off and enjoying the feel of the cool grass between my toes. I'm deciding whether or not to go up to the main house when something catches my attention across the lawn. Kate and Elliot are over by the boathouse. Their body language strikes me. They're in conversation, but there's a good amount of distance between them and they're pointedly looking away from each other. Huh?

"What are you looking at?" a velvety voice murmurs in my ear, making me jump. Christian laughs. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. You were miles away."

I look back up in their direction and they're moving out of sight now. "Just… distracted. Where were you?"

He tenses a bit. "Taylor had something to discuss with me."

"Oh. Anything I should know?"

"Probably, but it's not pressing, so I'd like to enjoy the night and speak to you about it tomorrow. Is that okay?"

"You're asking me?" He nods sincerely. Well, that's… novel. "It's fine with me. I'm thinking of leaving soon anyway. Ezra made me do a shot, so I should probably get some food. He's just dancing with Mia."

The music from inside reaches us just enough out here, and as the song changes, it takes me a minute to realize why I'm hit with a wave of nostalgia. I look up at Christian, who looks similarly struck.

He smirks and holds out his hand. "May I have this dance?"

I realize through the slight tequila-induced fog that the first strains of Witchcraft by Frank Sinatra are playing. I throw my shoes and my plaque off to the side and put my hand in his.

He pulls me in and we twirl around the grass. I think back to the first time we danced to this song together and it's baffling on so many levels how much has changed since then. In that moment, I thought I was falling for someone who'd never love me. Now, we've watered the flowers of a whole new life together, but they've started to die of thirst.

Even so, there's some deeply obscured part of me whispering in the background as we weave our way through the dark that there is hope. Because this moment right now isn't a performance. It's not for our children, our family, the media, it's not meeting anyone's expectations. It's just us. And as the song fades, it feels like the most natural thing in the world that our lips come together. The kiss is feather light, my arms around his neck, while he holds me securely against him with one arm and cradles my face with the other.

Part of me feels like I'm completely fucked, setting myself up to get hurt again, but there's another part that just keeps growing stronger, begging me to consider if this might actually be the first step to being happy.

I don't have time to ponder how much of this is alcohol-induced wishful thinking, as Christian pulls away first, taking in a deep breath. "Anastasia," he gasps.

"What?" I breathe.

"I'm sorry. This is breaking the rules, isn't it?" He's worried about the rules? He actually listened to them? "Well, this isn't for show anymore, is it?" he says ruefully, gesturing to the empty garden around us.

I shake my head, half in disbelief and half in amusement, at his distress. "It was a flexible rubric. But we should probably stop before things get out of hand."

"I'm ready for some greasy American drunk food," Ezra calls as he bursts out of the tent.

Christian and I jump apart from each other like teenagers getting caught being a little too handsy by their parents. Ezra is walking towards us, seemingly oblivious, and my gaze zeroes in on Mia behind him, who is also holding his hand.

"Ana, can we go to Wendy's? I wanna dip some fries in a Frosty," Mia whines.

"That sounds disgusting," Ezra muses.

"Why are you asking me? I didn't drive myself here."

"Oh, okay, Ezra can drive us then. Christian, you wanna come?"

"He just had tequila, he can't drive us!" I say, rolling my eyes. I turn to Christian. "Do you want to come? You don't have to, but it would be fun to… hang out." It must be the alcohol at this point, because I actually wink as I say this.

His eyes light up in amusement. Oh, God, that smile. Wait, don't look at his lips. "Taylor can take us."

Ezra and Mia burst out laughing at something they were whispering about. "Oh my God," I mutter. "Come on, children! Taylor is taking us. But we better go through the drive-thru in this dress." I grab Christian's hand and start to tow him up to the driveway.

A/N: I was going to have some drunk fast food shenanigans, but this was already so long. Maybe next time.

I included another one of Ana's song at your request. I think Wildest Dreams is a perfect fit for them, and it's my favorite song on 1989. If you want to hear Ana's performances, I recommend listening to cardigan on folklore: the long pond sessions (it's on Spotify) and for Wildest Dreams, search "wildest dreams live" on YouTube and the first or second option should be the one live at Grammy museum. It's a really stripped-down, passionate performance and I personally think it's better than the original.