Chapter 33: Emotions Bursting
She walked down the hall and Cristina ran up and fell in with her.
Cristina asked jealously, "How's Hahn?"
Meredith replied, "Unrealistically high expectations, pushy, rude, and arrogant. She reminds me of my mother. One of her is enough!"
"Thanks. That makes me feel better."
Meredith sighed and admitted, "She's very scary too. But a surgical goddess."
"Fuck! I need to get on her service!"
"I kissed Derek."
Cristina said in a matter-of-fact tone, "You kissed Derek."
"In the elevator. Just now."
"Oh. You kissed him in the elevator."
"I was having a bad day… I am having a bad day. My first patient died and the second one is hanging on by a thread. Also, Hahn is really scary!"
"So, what you do on your bad days? Make out with Dr. McDreamy?"
Meredith giggled and said, "Evidently!" It felt so fucking good!
She almost made it to the cafeteria when her pager went off. 911 to post op. She ran there and quickly helped as Hahn barked out orders, but the patient died before they could get him back to the OR.
The last patient was the worst. Meredith had a bad feeling about this one from the get-go. There was too much damage and the patient again died on the table. Their diseased heart was too far gone to be repaired. She sighed loudly in the scrub room. Three live people. Now, three dead people. Life was short. What was she waiting for?
She finished up the post op notes after being with Hahn and Kent to tell the patients family the news. She found Dr. Kent to review her notes. When she saw Derek at the nurse's station, she walked up slowly and looked around. They were alone.
She shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably, "Derek… I don't want you to date other people. I may not be enough for you right now, but I'm trying here. So, I …don't want you to date anybody but me. That's it. Except… I'm scared as hell to want you. Here I am wanting you anyway. Fear means I have something to lose. Right? And I don't want to lose you." She chewed on her lower lip expectantly.
He cocked his head at her and gave her a big smile. He said reverently, "Meredith."
"No. Don't say anything. I'm going to go now, and you can say something later. That's progress right?"
Derek started to say something when Dr. Kent came running up and said, "Come on Grey! Hahn is going to meet us in the ER stat!"
Derek watched as Dr. Kent and Meredith ran off towards the ER. He'd wait until she got off and then they would talk. Hopefully spend some quality time together.
Their tiny patient, a five year old girl, died in the OR from her injuries from the car accident. They were scrubbing out and Meredith was just numb. She had always struggled when dealing with dead or dying children. She got through it but just barely.
Hahn was scrubbed out and ready to leave the scrub room. She said, "Good work today you two."
Dr. Kent said, "Thank you Dr. Hahn. It was great working with you."
Meredith asked incredulously, "Good work? They are all dead. All of our four patients died!"
Dr. Hahn said, "Yes all four died. But they had a shot. A small shot. We did everything we could and I'm hoping you learned a lot. That's part of my job. To teach. Some days we are not the hero and some days we are. This is a team. Trauma is a team sport. Even with the deaths, we are all better doctors for it. Let it go and save the ones you can. I'll meet you outside to tell the family." She walked into the hall.
Meredith took a deep breath and successfully blinked back a tiny tear for the little girl.
Dr. Kent said, "Nice work today Grey. You held up well and made me proud. Why don't you finish the post op notes and I'll go tell the family with Dr. Hahn."
Meredith nodded as he left the room and mumbled, "Okay. Thanks." Team sport? Held up well? What the fuck? She was reeling. She had to give Kent thanks for that. She did not want to tell the parents of a five-year-old that their child was dead. Bruised, broken, bloody, cut open dead. She squeezed her eyes tight for a second.
She turned her phone back on and suddenly couldn't catch her breath. She had to get some fresh air fast. The stench of blood and guts in her nostrils and the image of that tiny body…
She ran out in the hallway and fled down the stairs. Derek had seen her fly by and ran after her into the stairwell.
"Meredith!" He heard her run down the stairs and heard a door open.
He ran after her and she slipped out a side door to the outside. He followed her and watched her run over to a patch of grass hidden from view of almost everything.
He watched helplessly as she heaved up the contents of her stomach. He swiftly came up behind her, wrapped his arm around her waist and held her hair back as she finished vomiting up mostly liquids.
She gulped and turned around embarrassed beyond belief that Derek had witnessed her humiliating herself. She panted lightly as he ripped his favorite ferry boat scrub cap off and gently wiped her mouth.
"You… You can't tell anyone. Ever!" He nodded understandably.
Her phone rang in her pocket and she cringed.
He said gently, "A lot of secret phone calls lately."
She cried softly, "Please…"
She grabbed the scrub cap and walked swiftly back into the hospital leaving him there wondering who was so insistent on getting a hold of Meredith and what had gotten her so upset that she had physically gotten sick. He glanced in the grass. She hadn't eaten since the morning muffin and had been in surgery for the last twelve hours on and off?
She walked wearily into the house numbed and robot like. She opened the cabinet in the kitchen and took out the unopened bottle of tequila. She got a large glass from the cabinet and stared at them both. She braced her hands on the counter and started to shake.
The calls had been from the nursing home and Ellis. The nursing home telling her that her mother was out of control and Ellis calling to say she was being held hostage or caged like an animal or screaming that she wasn't going to stay there anymore and that she was coming home. How in the hell had Ellis managed to get a hold of a phone anyway? What was she paying them for?
She had driven to the nursing home after doing the post-ops and was informed by the administer that Ellis had tried to walk off the property twice. She had to make a decision to confine her mother to a locked area or sedate her. She had told the staff she would decide in a day or two. She had another thirty-six-hour shift coming up and couldn't' think clearly. Especially after the day she had had.
She briefly thought about calling Cristina, but she knew that Cris was going for a drink with Dr. Hunt. She didn't want to interrupt that. And Derek… Fuck! She wanted him. She needed him. She was so screwed up. He didn't deserve to get sucked into her private hell. She'd just deal with it herself. Like she had always done.
Derek grabbed the keys and scowled as he walked swiftly across the street. He had waited for her at the hospital. She had vanished. She wasn't answering her phone. He checked the board and talked to some people involved in the surgeries that she had been a part of. Finally, after almost two hours, he had just seen her drive into her garage.
As he was getting ready to hit the doorbell, he heard a loud crash. Without thinking, he fumbled for the keys and opened her door.
He stood in the hallway and yelled, "Meredith!"
He ran into the kitchen and asked, "Are you okay? What happened? Are you alone?" He saw the damage to the wall. The glass picture on the wall was broken and a large brown stain was dripping down. There was a broken glass and a broken bottle spilling out onto the floor.
"Mer?"
She saw him and blinked. He took in the scene and saw that her eyes were dazed.
"Meredith!" What is going on sweetie? Please… please tell me." He walked swiftly over to her.
She said numbly, "I had four patients today. All four of them died."
He said patiently, "Okay… We all lose patients Meredith. We're doctors. It comes with the territory. You know that. Hopefully we save more than we lose."
She whimpered, "I'm 007. Four patients in one day. I can't… I don't want to go back there."
He said firmly, "You are not 007! Don't ever say that again! Is this because of the four dead patients of Hahn's? She takes on incredibly complicated cases where there is no hope. And that little girl? I reviewed her chart. Honey, she was as good as dead at the scene. She should have been pronounced DOA in the ER. Hunt had already left and some lame ass resident …. A lot of doctors wouldn't have even tried! She tried Meredith! We all lose patients."
"Today… was fucking freaky. There were thirteen. Bad, bad juju. Hahn lost four. Nelson lost three. I lost two. Mark, Montgomery, Torres and the chief all lost one. Thirteen Mer! Trust me. Don't even keep count. You'll make yourself crazy. When you are signing the death certificate, then you can keep count."
She rested her head on his shoulder briefly before she collected herself. She stepped back and took a deep breath. She had thought she could have a normal relationship with a nice guy and get a happily ever after. What a joke!
She shook her head and said firmly, "I'm a lemon Derek. I'm incapable of anything that resembles a commitment or a relationship. I'm a liar. I'm not healthy and healed. There is no fixing me. I thought I was done. I worked through all my mommy and daddy abandonment issues. I started therapy when I was fourteen and I just stopped last year. I went so I wouldn't be screwed up all my life and fuck around with random guys and get drunk on tequila every night! I was fine, until I came here. Now, everything is coming back to haunt me, and I can't… I can't do it anymore."
Derek asked shocked at her outburst, "Meredith. Where is this all coming from? Are you drunk? You're angry and I've been there so I get it. That doesn't give you the right…"
She said nastily as she opened a cabinet. "No, I'm not drunk! Not yet. I haven't even started drinking yet. But I will be drunk as soon as I find another bottle. Just go home Derek."
He said, "You don't get to just stand there and tell me…"
She waved her arms around towards the broken glass and said loudly, "This is what you're walking into. You don't deserve this. So, I'm giving you an out! Go!"
She slammed another cabinet closed and he said calmly, "I'm not going anywhere."
She screamed at him, "I said leave! Derek leave! If you don't, I'll…"
He quickly snatched up her keys that she had been eyeing on the counter and put them in his pocket.
He said slowly, "I'm not leaving Meredith. Is that the best you got? Because I'm not leaving, and you can't push me away. We made progress today Meredith andare moving forward. I'm not going to let you go. So, I'm here for you. Whatever it is. I know it's not just the dead patients. If you want to tell me fine, if you don't, that's fine too. But I'm not leaving, and you are not running."
A few minutes went by and Meredith felt the anger slip away. She hung her head and leaned up against the counter. She was exhausted and the fight was out of her. She was down for the count.
She said softy, "I can't shove her in the back of my closet anymore. I have to deal with her."
Derek walked over to her and asked softy, "Who?" He lifted her chin and gently wiped her tears with his thumbs.
She looked into his concerned filled eyes and whispered, "It's my mother."