Hanging by a Moment
...
If former detective Martin Deeks could find one word to describe this moment, it would have to be "peaceful". The water under his board was warm and soothing on his legs as he felt it gently rise and fall beneath him while he enjoyed what remained of the day. After catching a few great waves at his favorite Malibu beach, Deeks had decided to simply watch the sun drop lazily in the sky, reveling in the different hues of orange, pink, and yellow that danced across the far horizon.
He was relatively alone out in the blue water but there were still a few surfers trying to catch the last good waves and Deeks would turn their direction when he heard an excited "Whoop! Whoop!" echo across the white tips. There was one particularly aggressive female surfer who had just caught a good one and he had to admire her technique as she whipped across the break and then dug in to cut her board back on her own wake and then slice down the forward push of the water. She had some seriously good moves and there had been a day when he would have eased in her direction and tried to start a little "friendly" competition that might lead to something else between them … but Party Marty's days were over, of that fact, he was sure. Even though he was not secure in the knowledge of where he and Kensi stood exactly, he knew that at this point, there was no use in fighting it any longer. Eventually, they were going to have another one of those conversations. Maybe after that, and after all that they had endured over the past few months, the path would become clear.
As he sat on the borrowed surf board, feeling the tide tug him toward the shore, he could not help reflecting on the incredible events that occurred only a few weeks ago. While he was still making peace with his own actions in regards to his treatment of the Cleric in Afghanistan, his heart was still struggling with what was in store for him and his former partner. He knew that she now had her own demons to fight and he could only hope that she would include him in those efforts, maybe even help him face some of his own. There were still times when a certain smell or sound or just a feeling would cause a sudden flair up of those old feelings of helplessness and panic. It was some thing that he was still learning to deal with but maybe his victories in his private battles could be used to aid Kensi with her own.
It seemed just like yesterday that he was kissing her on that hill before she left him to speed away on her bike and then a man with a drill, two gunshots … then heartbreak and rejection that did more damage to his soul than any torture or bullets could even dream of causing. There had been the trip to Hawaii and the therapy that had taken away something that had haunted him for the majority of his life, then leaving a career that had made him who he was.
And then he had walked away from the woman who had stolen his heart. Yes, he had been the one to leave, but it had been a matter of self-preservation. He had hated himself for hurting her that way but, by then, there was no other option. Kensi had been so anchored to her past failures that any future with her from that point would have ended in total disaster, and they had both known that to be true. So, he left, hoping to learn to exist without her and he had quickly discovered that that was going to be a long, continuous battle.
But months later, a frantic phone from an old friend had sent him scampering across the globe to save her, along with her former fiancé and, just for grins and giggles, his old teammates. Sometimes his mind could hardly grasp that it had happened at all … but it had, and here he was, floating in the Pacific Ocean, on a beach in the City of Angels that he had once called home. So much had happened since Sidorov had strapped him to that chair but even after all the battles, all the turmoil … he was stronger now than ever before and ready to face whatever the road ahead held for him.
It seemed that the more he thought about it, the more unsure he became and the less certain he was of his future path. He missed Monty and his friends over in Hawaii but ever since he had been back stateside, he knew in his heart that LA was always going to be home and he had missed it more than he had thought he ever would. Sure, there were bad memories, but those were minute compared to the plethora of good ones that had been flooding his thoughts over the past days. His friends were here … his family … his history … all of that, was here.
And so was she.
Deeks had noticed the shift in her as soon as they started the trip home, but every time that they had tried to have a somewhat serious conversation, someone or something had interrupted, and one or both of them were disappointed in the delay. It only got worse when they touched down in LA where they had found Nate waiting for them, and especially for Kensi. She had slept for most of the flight and her slumber had, at times, been fitful and uneasy, haunted by whatever her memories or subconscious would dig up about her time in those dark mountain caves. He had tried to be a comfort to her, holding her hand and letting her rest her head on his shoulder as they flew their way back across the sea. If any of his efforts were of any help, he was not sure … but he give all of himself to make her whole again and time would tell if Kensi would be able to put those demons to rest before they consumed her.
Shaking off the shadow of those thoughts, Deeks suddenly realized that he had drifted closer to the shore and when he turned to see how far he would have to paddle to reach any more waves, he decided to go ahead and call it a night. Rolling forward onto his board, he swept his arms into the warm water, letting the ocean's natural movement push him toward the beach. He glanced up to check his landmarks, looking for Life Guard Tower #2 where he had left his bag … when he caught sight of something that made him forget all about paddling to shore. Of everything that he could have imagined happening at that moment, this had never entered his thoughts.
But there she was, walking slowly across the sand, on a direct course to the #2 tower. He had wanted to have that conversation, but seeing her now, he was suddenly unsure if he was fully prepared for all of the ramifications that could result from said conversation. Could he handle it? Could his heart? Why was she here? Was this going to be something that brought joy … or tears? Unfortunately, there was only one way that he would be able to move forward … with her or without her … if she wanted him in her life at all or was she here to tell him that she had no place for him. They would have to settle this, one way or the other.
Nothing risked, nothing gained.
And before Deeks knew it, he was wading out of the water, his board tucked under his left arm as his feet carried him closer and closer to where she was waiting for him. He had not looked directly at her, a little afraid of what he might see, so he had kept his eyes focused on anything but her. But after leaning his board against the side of the tower, he could avert his eyes no longer and turned to face the woman who still held his heart in her hands.
He could tell that Kensi was nervous and a little agitated, like she was not exactly sure what to do or what to say. She had her hands hanging in front of her and her fingers were twisting back and forth, one of those little things she did when she was nervous. Deeks glanced at her mouth and saw that she was biting her lower lip, another one of her "tells".
Yeah, this was going to be good.
"Hey ..."
They spoke at exactly the same moment, and it instantly broke the awkward silence between them and they found themselves laughing softly at the crazy situation.
"How'd you find me? Got the wonder twins ghosting me again?" Deeks tried to play it light, but then he thought he might have sounded like he was accusing her of spying on him, but before he could apologize, she was explaining.
"This is your favorite spot … Sam and Michelle said you had borrowed a board and headed out …" She sounded shy, like a kid. " … I … I knew this is where you'd be."
It sounded all so simple, but for her to know him that well and to make the effort to come and find him, touched his heart in a way that affected him deeply.
"I guess I've still got to work on my field craft."
Kensi's mind immediately went back to the day that he had been shot in that mom-and-pop shop. But instead of spurring her heart to fear, it kindled an urgency inside her soul and she turned to face him fully, a fire burning in her heart that prompted an immediate declaration.
"I'm so sorry, Deeks."
He had his shirt halfway pulled over his head and he thought he must have misheard her. "What?"
Kensi took a deep breath and took a step closer. "I am so sorry for what I did to you."
The painful memories threatened to intrude on the moment, and Deeks had to fight to keep them locked away. Then she was close enough so that he could smell her body wash, and it stirred something inside of him that he thought had died long ago. "Kens ..."
"You were always there for me … and … and when you needed me … I was too busy running from my own demons to see that." She took a moment to wipe away a tear or two that had slipped down her cheek, then she turned her brown mismatched eyes to his and he knew that he had never seen her more broken. "And I will forever regret that."
Deeks almost reached out to her, but something held him in check … they were not there just yet. "Kensi, I've made peace with all of that, you don't have to carry that guilt anymore."
But she continued, like she did not hear him. "Then you were gone and I was alone … and just when I'd decided what to do, Hetty sends me away …" Kensi turned, gesturing toward the setting sun with her hand and Deeks stepped up to stand just to her left. " … then I find Jack and there were so many unanswered questions … so many things to settle."
"And did you?" He had to ask; his wounded heart had to know. "With Jack … did you settle things?"
He heard her take a deep breath and for a split second, he found that he did not want to know the answer. Was this the moment she told him of a reconciliation, of a rebuilt relationship with her former fiance? Was this the moment she broke his heart all over again?
"Yeah … I did."
Deeks dropped his eyes to the sand at his feet, not wanting her to see his tears that were just behind the dam of his self-control.
"Even with everything going on, we managed to clear up the past and I was able to finally let it all go."
Taking a shot of courage, Deeks managed to look over to her once more. "What exactly does that mean?"
"I let it all go … my regrets, my guilt, Jack … everything that was holding me back from going after the one thing that I want more than anything else on this planet." Kensi was not even trying to hide the tears anymore. "I was finally free."
"Even though you were a hostage?" He did not mean it as a joke and he only realized how it sounded after he had said it. But suddenly she was laughing and it was only a moment before he joined her.
Then she was turning to face him with a serious expression on her face. "I missed your laugh so much." She said so softly that he was not exactly sure if he had heard it correctly but she was continuing before he could say anything. "When I was in that cave, and it was so dark and cold … I was so alone … and afraid …" She choked on a sob and his felt his heart burn in his chest for her. " … your laugh, your smile … those Pacific blue eyes that see into to my soul … that's what got me through."
Deeks suddenly found that he did not know what to say; he had never heard her talk like this and it all was a bit overwhelming. "Kens … I … don't know what ..."
Then she was cutting him off. "When I first saw you, when they were walking Jack and I toward the chopper, I thought I was hallucinating, there was no way on this earth that you were really there." Kensi poured her heart into her words, hoping that what she said would make him understand exactly what she was trying to say. "But you were, it wasn't possible … but you were there! You came halfway around the world for me, Deeks! And I can't understand why? Why would you do something like that for me?! After all that I did to you … you still have the balls to come back and save my life just one more time and I want to know why?!"
She had practically screamed those last few words at him, but he could see that she was not angry at him; she was just confused and needed an answer. So, standing on a sandy, Malibu beach, with the sun finally disappearing behind the horizon, Martin Deeks gave her the answer he hoped would be the balm for her heart.
"You want to know why? That's easy …because I love you Kensi … I always have and always will … I never stopped, I don't think I could even if I wanted to."
In that moment, Kensi Marie Blye broke. It was the answer her soul had sought and needed to hear in all of the despair that had haunted her since their last conversation on another beach, all those months ago. Yes, she was broken … but the wall around her heart was gone, the healing could begin, and there was something more that she had to say, to repair this broken road. She reached over and clasped his hands with her own, tugging on them gently until he looked up into her glistening eyes.
"I've been running from something for so long, I've almost forgotten why I ran in the first place. I guess it was easier that way … hiding behind my failure with Jack and letting that poison any chance at a real relationship … that way, I didn't get hurt. I could move through this life without any real attachments and keep my heart protected from any thing that could hurt it. Losing my dad was the beginning and Jack was just the icing on the cake." She blinked away a few tears while holding onto his hands like she was clinging to a rock in a stormy sea. "I've learned to deal with my father's death and that Jack had to find his peace somewhere else other than with me … that those two traumas should not set the course of the rest of my life and that I am free of anything that could hold me back."
Kensi tugged him gently forward until they were toe to toe and Deeks reveled in feeling her breath against the bare skin at his throat. The warmth of her hands wrapped around his caused goose-bumps to pop up across his forearms and as he waited for her to continue, he thought that it could not get much better than this.
But when the next words feel from her lips, he realized that this was only getting better.
"And I'm falling even more in love with you … I'm letting go of all that I held onto and I will stand here until you make me move … I'm hanging by a moment." Kensi pulled him gently even closer, both in anguish and in hope, looking for the old spark in his eyes, the one that he held in reserve just for her.
She almost cried out when, all of a sudden, there it was.
"I'm living for the only thing I know … I feel like I'm running but I'm not quite sure where to go and even though I don't know what I'm diving into … " She tucked her head under his chin, settling her forehead against his chest, inhaling his scent and letting the tears fall against the cotton of his shirt. "I'm just hanging by this moment ... here with you."
Those words were still ringing in his ears and his heart when Deeks tugged on her hands until she looked up at him, their eyes saying even more than their words. Then his lips were on hers and she was pressing her body against his, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him even closer. All the miles of longing disappeared behind them, all the missteps were forgotten, all the wrong turns vanished like the morning mist … and they found each other once more.
The peace that they had found in that moment was like coming home after a long, arduous trip. There was nothing else to find, nothing else to lose, and nothing else in the world that mattered more than this bond between them. This was their forging a new path, one that would find them side-by-side, hearts bound together as they began to discover a shared future as everything else faded away and it was just the two of them, coming to the end of their broken road.
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you
- Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
A/N: This and one more ... a short epilogue to show you some of their first steps together.
I know this took forever and I am forever grateful for those of you who have been here since the beginning. Hanging by a Moment is one of my favorite songs and, along with Bless the Broken Road, was the impetus for this story. If you haven't listened to them, try them after reading the last chapter and let me know if they affected you like they do me.
Until the next time.
Semper FI
JS