I woke up from the same dream, falling backwards, falling backwards. Till it turned me inside out. Now I live a waking life of looking backwards, looking backwards, a model citizen of doubt. Until one day I had enough of this exercise of trust. I leaned in and let it hurt, and let my body feel the dirt. When I break pattern I break ground, I rebuild when I break down. I wake up more awake than I've ever been before
30th March 2021
"Let's double check we have everything..." Morgana drawled. "Double buggy packed up in the car, tent, baby mineral sunscreen, kids sunscreen for Amhar, our sunscreen, towels, swimsuits for the kids with the matching hats, my bikini, your trunks, swim nappies, regular nappies, baby powder to get the sand off, spare outfits for all of us, spare pants in case Amhar has an accident, hair brush for me, hats, swimsuit cover up, sarong, water wipes...".
"Do we really need all this stuff?" Merlin frowned.
"Yup, we really do" Morgana said. "Towelling cover up thing for the kids, Amhar has dinosaur and Alfie has stripes, Spiderman sunglasses for Amhar, paw patrol hat, baby shark hat".
"Two hats each?" Merlin frowned.
"Yeah, one for going in the sea and one to keep dry" Morgana shrugged. "Picnic mat, baby bag, toddler bag, toy bucket and spade but I'm sure we can pick some up from the beach if we need to, inflatable paddling pool and snacks!".
"That's a lot of stuff" Merlin remarked. "How the hell is it all going to fit!".
"I'm taking the not nice baby backpack, the cheapo aldi one for the baby stuff, we can clip the buckets and spades onto the buggy clips, the rest of stuff should hopefully fit into our beach bag and under the pram along with that little plastic beach wagon we got for Amhar".
"Right, and a lot of plastic bags for wet costumes and all?" Merlin checked.
"Yup, that's right" Morgana confirmed. "We also have snacks and drinks in the cooler so, let's get all this packed into the bags and then head off".
"We really need a bigger car" Merlin muttered as they squashed everything into the boot
"We do" Morgana agreed as she hopped into the drivers seat. "I have been looking at some online for a while, though shops don't open for a while obviously. I suppose after we move—if we do get the house that is—would be the best time".
"And we need to actually choose one" Merlin added.
"There's that too" Morgana nodded in agreement. "Okay, last toilet runs and then off we go to Tenby". Morgana had made sure that everyone had gone to the toilet and the baby was fed before they set off.
"At last—an outing that isn't work, nor an essential thing! The beach" Merlin smiled happily as he threw his head onto the headrest.
"I know" Morgana agreed with a sigh. "It takes two hours to get to Tenby, so we should get there at eleven ish".
"Stopping for lunch straight away then" Merlin shrugged. "Should I text Mithian?".
"Please" Morgana replied as Merlin got her phone and texted Mithian 'just left the house. ETA 11:00'. Her reply came in pretty quickly. 'Okay cool, we've just headed off too'.
"Time for some music?" Merlin asked as he turned the radio on.
"Uh, the driver chooses" Morgana smirked as she brought up the radio stations.
"Not fair" Merlin pouted. "I wanted BBC or something like that".
"No, I don't like that" Morgana shrugged. "I'm having heart". Just as Morgana switched the radio station to heart, the familiar sound of "this is heart" played before Harry Styles' watermelon sugar.
"Not this again" Merlin groaned.
"It's actually a decent song" Morgana shrugged. "I used to hate it cause the hype, though its actually good".
"Okay, it is a good song" Merlin decided as it ended. "You've converted me".
"Good" Morgana smirked.
"So" Merlin winked. "Does that mean I'll be able to get my watermelon sugar high tonight?".
"We'll see" Morgana teased.
"Mummy! I'm bored" Amhar whinged.
"Look out the window" Merlin shrugged. Ten minutes down, still two hours to go. There was no way in hell that they'd want to sing kid songs to keep them happy.
"I already did that" Amhar sighed as though it was rather obvious. Merlin sighed and put his phone on charge then passed it to the back seat with Toot-Toot Cory Carson on, hoping to keep him entertained for the time being though he knew it probably wouldn't last long. At least he and Morgana could have better summer style songs on—dancing in the moonlight, Dua lipa's levitating, blinding lights, pumped up kicks and more. Amhar fell asleep shortly after and Merlin and Morgana happily drove along to Tenby. Amhar fell asleep and Merlin reclaimed his phone, though Alfie remained awake and they had to sing some songs to him—baby mine, baby shark, twinkle twinkle little star, twinkle twinkle chocolate bar (which Merlin highly agreed with especially the 'my daddy drives a rusty car' since his car was a 2008 plate while Morgana had a 2014), all is found, Thomas the tank engine roll call and some more of the Thomas the tank engine album, which soon became Alfie's favourite before he too dropped off and Merlin and Morgana could go back to their summer songs.
They arrived at exactly eleven and navigated the traffic before finally parking up in the South beach car park, essentially next to the beach with a small path down to it. The children had begun stirring in their car seats after Morgana had parked up and she and Merlin jumped out the car and opened up the boot. They unfolded the double buggy and attached Alfie's parent facing seat then put both beach bags in the basket alongside the toddler bag and baby bag with a lot of towels while Merlin carried the tent and Amhar had his wagon with the buckets and spades in them. Alfie went in his baby seat so Morgana could keep an eye on him and Amhar had his reins on him as Merlin and Morgana went about applying sunscreen and paying for parking as they waited for Mithian and Leon.
"Okay, they're finally here!" Morgana said at last. "They're heading towards us, we should meet them at the top of the car park so we can get lunch".
"We're having chips, aren't we?" Merlin said as he grabbed the tent and they locked up the car.
"Of course we are" Morgana nodded. "Though apparently there's no chip shops near the beach".
"No chips shops near the beach!" Merlin almost shouted. He couldn't believe that they were in Wales by the sea and there was no chippy right by the beach.
"I know, it's ridiculous" Morgana agreed. "We're getting chips first and then we can eat them on the beach afterwards. Obviously we have lots of carrier bags for rubbish so we can stay there until we need to actually go".
"Good" Merlin agreed with a small smile. "Oh look there they are". They quickly met up and headed over to get their lunch—chip butty's with lots of salt and vinegar and plain ones for the kids before they walked back over to south beach. As usual on the beach trips, Leon awkwardly pulled the egg pram backwards while Merlin and Morgana easily glided over the sand as they walked closer and closer towards the sea, setting up 'camp' halfway between land and sea. Picnic mats were put down, both tents were popped up and cans of Coke and lemonade cracked open.
"The latest trend is mad!" Leon declared.
"What's it now?" Morgana groaned.
"Ollie Ball" Mithian and Merlin said in unison. "It's Ollie Ball here" they added in their best impressions of the teenager.
"Oh boy" Morgana cringed. "And the kids with masks".
"It's so weird" Leon shook his head. "You know, they had light inside their eyes. Hope. Now it's all gone. These poor kids have been let down so many times".
"I really feel for them" Merlin added. "I mean they're supposed to be in school even though they hate it, whinging about school meals and which lesson they have next even though they 'hate it'".
"Amhar's resettling into nursery was hard too" Morgana sighed. "It was hard but now he's doing okay". She peered over to the buggy where Amhar was sat licking the wheels. He grinned and then went back to licking them.
"All the kids are so ... depressed" Mithian sighed.
"I don't blame them" Merlin shrugged. "It's hard being a teenager as it is, let alone in a pandemic".
"So what's it like having a toddler now?" Morgana chuckled as Mithian grabbed Athena and strapped her in the pushchair after she ran off once more with a chip in her mouth.
"Let's see" Mithian pondered for a moment. "A nightmare. She's forward facing in the pram now so is okay with it and I don't mind it that much even if it is bulky. Luckily still fits in the bucket baby car seat so we're still using that. Goodness me they are tiring! And the kids shows!".
"So which one are you currently lumbered with?" Morgana smirked as she ate a chip.
"Bing" Mithian pouted. "That insolent little bing bunny".
"I don't envy you on that" Merlin shrugged. "Amhar is well out of that phase now, but when he was in it ... no thank you. We love hey duggee".
"Peppa pig is such a little brat" Leon said.
"I know!" Morgana agreed. "She literally fat shames daddy pig and gets away with it".
"They should make a movie on her where she turns into bacon" Mithian chuckled.
"I'd like that" Morgana agreed. "Seen the new Thomas the tank engine? The big world big adventure one".
"Don't get me started on that" Mithian muttered. "I'm so glad Athena isn't into it. How's Amhar getting in?".
"He no longer calls Sir Topham Hat the f-word troller".
"Fat controller?" Amhar piped up.
"Alfie's taken a liking to it" Merlin rolled his eyes. "We've booked Thomas land for his birthday so..."
"Good luck with that" Mithian laughed. "I'm exhausted with just one! Don't know how I'd manage two".
"Used to say the same" Morgana chuckled. "Everyone finished?".
"You giving some chips to Alfie?" Leon asked as he fed Athena a few.
Morgana tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. "Is your head screwed on properly, Leon?".
"Uhh ... I think so?" He put his thumb and forefinger under his chin. "Then Amhar over there—licking the wheels".
"He'll be fine" Morgana shrugged.
"It's got greasy fat, so many oils, salts" Merlin listed.
"The baby isn't getting chips from the chippy!" Morgana exclaimed. "Anyway, who's ready to cool off?".
Amhar was slightly impatient and wanted to play football so Leon and Merlin changed quickly then went after him with Athena while Mithian and Morgana stayed behind watching them while Alfie had a feed.
"So" Morgana raised an eyebrow. "How's it going?".
"You mean?" Mithian asked.
"Getting baby hungry are you?"
"No" Mithian scoffed. "I mean ... maybe? I don't know".
"Baby two for you and Leon?".
"Maybe ... maybe soon" Mithian sighed. "I want another one. Though at the same time Athena is rather young. Then it took us six months to conceive her last time so I guess we could start trying ... though I'm hoping to breastfeed till she's fifteen months so".
"It's hard" Morgana sympathised. "I mean, my sex drive has gone so badly! Me and Merlin have only done it like .. six times since he came back from the hospital".
"You have a baby and a toddler, you're busy" Mithian shrugged.
"I guess I do feel slightly insecure too .. I mean I still leak milk all the time, Alfie's not sleeping through the night and we're tired. Then there's the stretch-marks and whatnot".
"I get that" Mithian smiled sympathetically. "Still have the pooch from Athena so hoping to loose the last of the weight before we try again".
"But even so, at the end of the day your body has literally grown a whole human and nourished it for a year. That's pretty badass" Morgana said as she looked at Alfie. As usual, she was overwhelmed by the look of love in his eyes as he fed and she kissed his forehead. "Though it's still difficult".
"So, baby Emrys three?" Mithian asked.
"I haven't even got my periods back yet!" Morgana exclaimed in a whisper. "So ... well, we shall see. We agreed to start trying for Alfie not too long after Amhar was one so maybe the same".
"I'm getting hot, let's cool off" Mithian said.
"We should" Morgana said as she got up, still feeding Alfie and they headed to the sea, sitting together as the waves bounced on top of them.
"Is that Harriet!" Mithian gasped.
"Where?" Morgana frowned.
"There!" Mithian said. "Blimey, she's grown up a lot". Harriet did indeed notice them in the end and went over to say hi.
"How you getting on?" Morgana asked with a smile.
"I'm so glad lockdown's over" she sighed. "He's getting big".
"He is" Morgana agreed with a sigh as she noticed he had begun to fall asleep. "Seven months old".
"And Athena's toddling too" she remarked.
"One last month, I refuse to believe it" Mithian shook her head.
"It's alright miss I refuse to believe that my cousin who's a 2018 baby is three".
Morgana's eyes widened. "Amhar's going to be three in September!".
"This year's gone so fast it's unreal" Harriet smiled. "Well, bye".
"That was nice to see her" Mithian mused.
"Yeah. It was" Morgana agreed as she unlatched Alfie and put her boob away, keeping the sleeping babe cradled in her arms.
"You have so much confidence with breastfeeding in public" Mithian remarked. "It's really good".
"I mean, at first I was petrified of it but now, I'd just feed him anywhere. Even if there was year nine's around".
"Don't speak too soon" Mithian muttered as she turned around, noticing some children that were clearly year nine. The day at the beach was lovely and warm, the tent's being rather nice when nipping back to get the kids to nap or of they didn't want to get sand all over them. The sand stuck to them all like glue and they were rather grateful for the baby powder to help it get off, getting straight in the shower as soon as they all had arrived home. As Morgana predicted, they did need absolutely everything they packed in the end and ended up standing outside the house at nine o'clock as they washed the sand of the double buggy wheels while Amhar and Alfie slept. Unfortunately at the end of the day Morgana had noticed that the screen had come away from her Apple Watch, research had shown that the battery had probably expanded and pushed it out though Merlin had a better idea of what to get Morgana for her birthday.
31st March 2021
"Today's the day" Morgana smiled as she sipped at her coffee.
"I can't believe that Morgause is actually meeting him" Merlin remarked. Morgause had apologised profusely and while at first they hadn't been the most accepting of it, time had healed things and they were indeed ready for her to meet the baby.
"Me neither" Morgana agreed. "Though they say time is the best healer and that's true. It's so nice outside today".
"It is" Merlin agreed. "Where is it we're meeting again?".
"Camelot park" Morgana replied. "We're taking my car as yours needs a clean after yesterday. Double buggy is drying outside from washing the sand off and I'm not ready to face him out yet so we're taking the bugaboo cam as the canopy is better, Amhar should be fine with walking but I have the aer in the car just in case. What you having for lunch?".
"I'm making myself a fake chicken slice sandwich, Amhar wants cheese sandwich, what are you having?".
"I've got cold pizza and Alfie .. he can have cheese sandwiches too".
"We've got cheese and crackers too, baby bel, vegan sausage rolls, crisps, mini cheesecake and Morgause is bringing magnum ice creams right?".
"If they melt I'm going to cry, though this one is on Morgause at least" Morgana chuckled. "It's so nice and warm out there today".
"It is" Merlin agreed with a smile. "I doubt it'll last though".
"It never does" Morgana chuckled. "It's the UK. Winter starts at 6am, spring at 10am, summer begins at 2pm and then autumn at 4:30".
"I think it's currently spring".
"That's because it is spring. The last day of March. Eleven days till my birthday".
"Getting old are we?" Merlin teased.
"That's rich, coming from you" Morgana scowled.
"Touché" Merlin agreed. "How old is Morgause?"
"I'm sure she's due her vaccine soon" Morgana shrugged. "I think it's open for those over forty-five?".
"We can just ask her if she's vaccinated yet" Merlin smiled.
"I guess that's the new way of asking 'are you old'" Morgana smirked.
"It is isn't it" Merlin realised. "You had your vaccination yet? It's only open to over fifties for now?".
"Dunno, don't care. All I know is I'm not yet in that group therefore to me personally it is no bother" Morgana shrugged "though I'm glad your parents had it". Shortly after eleven with all the picnics and the pram packed up in the car, Morgana drove them over to Camelot. They found parking not too far away, there was many audible clicks as car seats were rotated, unstrapped and the baby was strapped into the pushchair before they all walked over to the park, Morgana pushing, Merlin carrying the lunch and Amhar happily scooted along as far as Merlin and Morgana would let him. They quickly arrived at the park by the playing equipment.
"I can't wait to actually move here" Morgana commented. "Now that they've accepted the offer on the house as of two days ago. I can't believe we're moving!".
"Me either" Merlin agreed. "Though I'm so excited for it". Morgause was sat on her picnic mat outside the playground with Cenred, Merlin and Morgana socially distanced from her with their picnic mat.
"Hiya" Morgause cooed in a baby voice in the direction of Alfie. Alfie looked rather inquisitively at Morgause from his mother's arms.
"Mummy, is that auntie morgue?" Amhar asked.
"Yes, I'm auntie morgue" Morgause chuckled. "And who is this tiny little baby?".
"He my baby brother Alfie" Amhar beamed.
"Well, it's lovely to finally meet him. He looks just like you, Morgana, though he has Merlin's eyes".
"At least he doesn't have his fathers ears" Morgana joked. Things would never be back to the way they were before—not after all that happened, though the feud had finally come to an end and Morgana and Morgause had reconciled.
A/N: Anyway, it's been a while! I took a temporary hiatus as things with college deadlines were coming too overwhelming so I had to focus on that instead for the time being. I had to force myself to stop writing for a week to get all the work done and it was nice to have a little break though also I realised how much this story means to me, so I am now back! I'll be uploading once a week until work finishes for summer then should be back to my usual schedule of Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Thank you all for bearing with me :)