Hello friends, This is just a warning that this chapter does contain content related to anxiety and its severe symptoms. Read on, if you feel comfortable to.
Fitz looked at himself in the mirror. His face was pale. Small sweat beads were visible on his skin. And his knuckles were pure white as he gripped the counter.
This morning had been bad. So bad. And he couldn't afford for it to be bad — because he was supposed to take Karen to a volleyball clinic in a few minutes. A very important volleyball clinic — one that Karen was taking very seriously as she looked ahead to tryouts later this summer.
Mellie had worked until almost one in the morning the night prior, so she was currently dead asleep. And Fitz certainly hadn't foreseen that he would feel like this this morning. But here he was.
It was a mix of things. A lot of things, probably. For one, he and his doctor had agreed that his last medication, imipramine, was not the right one for him. Especially since the effects he'd begun to feel had only grown worse. So, now he was in the process of weaning off of it in order to try a new one.
But the process of weaning off, itself, was not an easy one. It was so much better than quitting medication cold turkey — which could actually make you extremely sick. However, it was still yet another change his body now had to deal with. It was a whole new readjustment that his body had to start making, after trying to adjust to medication in the first place. And, he'd be putting his body through it all over again soon when he started an entirely different medication.
This was why he'd given up before. It was why he thought he could just learn to live with the daily anxiety with no medication to help, because so far it had only added more trouble to his life.
And all of that — was stressing him the fuck out. Not just mentally, but physically as well. His body was going through it, too. And on top of all of that — he has been dealing with some pretty big life changes simultaneously. Ones that were positive, of course, but also just big and important, and often on his mind. Not just the divorce, but the new house he just bought in Bronxville, too. He was absolutely ecstatic about that, but it also meant starting to think about packing, splitting things up with Mellie, and starting over somewhere new. His brain loved to remind him of every little thing he may potentially want to worry about now or in the near future, which did not help. Ever.
Unfortunately, all of that just had him in a tough spot this morning. And the nice cherry on top was the absolutely crazy week he'd had at work this week. Exactly what he needed right now.
His head hurt. He was dizzy. And he was absolutely sick to his stomach.
And now he was thinking too much. He was getting in his own head. He hadn't been nauseous until today. Was the one drink he had the night before just not sitting right? Or his dinner? Was the anxiety just that bad? Was it the effects of weaning off the medication?
He didn't know, but his mind was racing. And he was just so sick of this. He was so sick of it all — especially during a time in his life when he was supposed to be overjoyed about where he was headed. He didn't need this right now. He didn't need to be having to work around all of these side effects and things at work when he already had to deal with the daily anxiety itself.
But this was now his life again. Weaning off, weaning back on, dealing with symptoms he wouldn't otherwise have. Taking a risk to hopefully feel better eventually. And even getting his hopes up when he swore to himself he wouldn't.
He wanted so desperately to find a solution — but the journey to get there was really pissing him off.
"Come on. Come on," he whispered, willing himself to leave the bathroom. He had to go. Karen was waiting upstairs.
But his head was spinning. And he actually feared he might pass out if he moved.
God, he probably needed to wake Mellie up. He always made himself power through — hence why he'd thought he could handle this. But right now he was having second thoughts about his confidence in himself.
Thank God he'd prepared Karen's lunch and breakfast overnight oats the night before, or else he'd be in an even tighter spot right now.
But he still had to leave. He didn't have time for this. He didn't have the mental capacity for this.
"No, no, no," he said to himself, shaking his head.
His brain was too crowded. He was thinking about too many things. There was too much on his mind.
It was just too much.
"Oh...fuck. F...fuck," he said, starting to pant.
No. Stop.
He tried so hard to get out of it, like he always did. But he only ended up working himself up more.
He didn't even have a chance this morning. It was already happening.
His breaths got heavier and he sunk down against the wall, crouching there. It was the only movement he felt he could confidently do without passing out or throwing up, or both.
He leaned his head back against the wall, trying to force himself to make it end faster.
His world spun. His head hurt. His heart raced, and the dizziness began to set in.
He started to wheeze, and reach for anything to steady himself. The only thing available was the open door next to him — so he reached to his side and held on to the wood.
It was hard enough feeling like he was having a heart attack right there in the bathroom. But to make matters worse, he heard a faint, echoed voice in the back of his head.
It was so quiet, but it sounded almost like it was getting less...echoey.
Unfortunately in his current state, he just couldn't quite comprehend that it wasn't in his head. He couldn't comprehend that it was actually his daughter, coming downstairs to look for him.
"Daddy? Don't we have to go?" Karen asked, peeking her head into his bedroom.
He just wasn't there.
But she'd heard something in the bathroom, she just didn't know what. So she went to investigate.
"Dad?"
When she turned the corner, Fitz was just now realizing that it was Karen. And not just the image of her that he'd created in his head to try and calm himself down. No, no, there she was — right in front of him. Seeing him in all his anxiety-ridden glory.
"Daddy? Daddy — what's wrong?" Karen asked.
He could barely keep his eyes open because of the dizziness.
She shrugged off her volleyball bag and it dropped to the floor as she ran to him.
"Dad? Dad?" she repeated.
"Karen..." he panted. "Oh...honey —"
"Dad! You're...you're sick? Something's wrong?" she exclaimed, looking at him in worry.
"No...no," he tried to assure her.
But he could barely hold himself steady, much less assure his daughter he was not completely unreachable at the moment.
It was starting to fade slowly, but he had to tune Karen out for it to fade completely. He couldn't focus on both things at once no matter how hard he tried.
She was starting to freak out, but her voice began to sound fainter to him again as he focused on his mind.
He panted and wheezed and clenched his fingers, trying so hard to come out of it.
And he did.
He gradually started to hear things clearly again, and felt the numbing in his body go down. But his stomach sure as hell didn't get any better. In fact, as his attack was coming to a close, he was realizing his stomach was just getting started.
He clutched at his abdomen, feeling a very unwanted, but unfortunately familiar feeling.
He leaned forward quickly and threw up in the toilet, and felt his daughter's little hand on his back.
"Daddy — oh...oh no," she gasped worriedly.
He could hear her fear, and her sniffles.
"Oh, honey," he said softly, flushing the toilet. "I'm...oh God, I'm so sorry. Just...just go wait for me outside, okay? I'll be right there."
"No! Dad, what's wrong? What happened? You...you need help!" she cried.
"No, no. Baby, I'm — okay. Just...it's okay. Don't cry," he whispered.
He could barely even get his words out, he felt so drained.
She crouched down next to him and hugged him fiercely, despite the fact that he'd just completely freaked her out, and he'd just thrown up.
"That was so scary, dad," she whimpered. "Are you okay? Are you?"
"I'm okay," he said, wrapping an arm lazily around her. "I'm okay. I'm so sorry. I didn't...you should not have seen that."
"What was that, dad?" she cried. "What happened?"
"Just...I just got a little sick. I'm okay. I'm fine," he nodded.
"You aren't! You aren't, I saw you!" she exclaimed.
"Honey. I'm okay," he assured her.
He wasn't sure if telling her he was used to all that chaos would make her feel better or worse.
But she started to understand. Started to put the pieces together.
"Were you nervous? Did you get...too nervous?" she asked.
He nodded at her. "I did."
"But...but you threw up? Does that...happen?" she asked, still sniffling.
"Sometimes — it can," he nodded, still breathing quickly.
She looked at him so caringly, but so scared at the same time.
"Daddy. Please tell me. How do I help? Please," she begged.
"K, it's okay now. I'm...fine. You don't —"
"Dad, stop! Let me...freaking help you!" she yelled at him.
And he about did a double-take after that. She sounded so mature just then. Yelling at him to let her in. To let her help him.
It was something he was still so terrible at when it came to this — he'd had that conversation with Olivia very recently. This was something he had always preferred to try and handle on his own, but was now trying to remember he could turn to loved ones for help with.
But despite her mature voice and words, when he looked up at her, he still saw the face of a scared child. So he let her in, for both of their sakes.
"Sorry. I'm sorry," he nodded, grabbing her hand. "Just stay here with me. Just stay next to me — for a bit."
"This will help?" she asked, squeezing his hand and leaning her head down on his shoulder.
"Yes. Every time this happens...I think of you, to help me," he said quietly.
She leaned close to him, trying to do her best to make her dad feel better.
And he did. He started to feel more like himself, and more calm. His stomach felt better too, as it often did after being sick.
"Sorry I said 'freaking'," Karen whispered, holding onto her dad. "I know I shouldn't say that. It just...came out all of a sudden."
And now, he let out a chuckle.
"That's okay. I know you were just scared, and you had every right to be," Fitz nodded.
She nodded in agreement.
"But yes. You do need to be mindful of your language," he added.
"I will. Sorry, dad," she said.
"It's alright," he replied. "I'm...so sorry for scaring you."
"You don't have to be sorry to me. It's not your fault. I wish this didn't have to happen to you," she said.
"Yeah. Me too," he agreed. "But, it does. And sometimes we have to accept that there are things we just...need to deal with."
"Like...our appendixes," she said.
"Yes," he agreed. "Exactly. And...just like that, it's something that will get better when I find the right solution. Just like we got better when our appendixes were taken out."
She lifted up the edge of her jersey, showing him the top part of her scar.
It looked just like his. It just seemed bigger, since she was so tiny.
He smiled and lifted up the edge of his T-shirt to show her his, too.
"Scar twins," she whispered.
He laughed and nodded. "Scar twins."
Her smile faded as she put her jersey back into place, looking at him contently.
"I really want you to find the best fix, dad."
He rubbed her back and nodded in agreement. "I know, honey. Me too."
"But...you know what you have to do until you find the best one?" she asked.
"What's that?"
"You have to keep your head up," she said. "Like you and mom always tell me, when something goes wrong. Keep your head up, and try again. Right?"
He sighed contently, looking at his daughter. So young, yet so wise. And he smiled.
There were so many things parents taught their children. And yet, so many things parents could learn from their children too. Or even just small reminders, such as that one.
"You know. I really needed to hear that, Karen," he said gratefully.
She smiled at him proudly, and leaned in for a hug.
"I love you," he said.
"Love you, dad," she said. "I'm...not gonna get sick now. Am I?"
He chuckled. "No. It wasn't...the contagious kind of sick. But I feel so much better already. Promise."
"You are sure?" she asked, pulling back to look at him.
The two curly-headed Grants, who looked so much alike, looked at each other after their embrace, and Fitz nodded.
"I'm sure. But I appreciate you wanting to look out for me. All my girls seem to be really good at that," he said with a smile.
He didn't even realize he'd said it, until Karen asked him.
"Oh. What other girls? Grandma or mom?" Karen asked.
He'd actually been referring to Olivia, but he supposed Mellie and his mom had been looking out for him too, so it wasn't a lie.
"Both," he said.
"Oh, right," she nodded understandingly.
"Alright, come on, you. Let's get you to the school," he said, starting to get up.
She looked at him worriedly, holding onto his hand. "Wait. Daddy."
"Hm?"
"Are you okay? Maybe you shouldn't get up yet?" she questioned.
He chuckled and kissed her little hand, which was holding onto his so tightly.
"I'm good. I really am this time. I promise," he assured her. "One thing about...having a nervous moment like that, is that it always ends, even when it seems like...it won't. And afterward, you feel okay again."
"Okay..." she nodded worriedly. "So there's nothing else I can do to help you?"
"Well, you can help me get up," he said, squeezing her hand.
Her worried look slowly faded into a smile and she tried her hardest to pull him up from the ground. He had to put some effort into it, himself.
"You are heavy," she giggled, looking up at him now as they both stood.
"Yeah, I know. Good work — you're so strong!"
"Thanks," she smiled.
"Thank you, for all your help. We can get going now, okay? I'm just going to brush my teeth again and...then I'll be upstairs."
She perked up and nodded. "Okay."
She kept a close eye on him after that, and it warmed his heart. Being more open about his struggles was definitely difficult for him. But he had to admit, seeing how much people cared when they weren't kept in the dark — it did feel very reassuring. It made him remember that people looked out for him and the things he dealt with, even when they couldn't personally relate.
They got in the car, and Fitz took her to her school where the camp was taking place. They were a little bit late. But Karen assured her dad it would be okay.
"At all the other camps I've been to, we just introduce ourselves in the beginning and warm up. I think it will be okay," she said, grabbing her bag from the back.
"Well, I'm so sorry, honey. If coach asks why you're a little late, just tell her it was your dad's fault."
"Well, that wouldn't be true, dad," she said, giving him a smile. "Not your fault."
He gave her a nod and a content smile. "Play hard, okay? I'll see you later."
"I will. Bye, daddy."
"Bye, K. Good luck!" he said, watching her shut the door.
"Thanks!"
She hustled inside, volleyball bag slung over her shoulder and wearing all her Rye Volleyball gear. She sure was growing up.
He headed back to the house, which was still very quiet when he opened the door. Hank came running to greet him happily, and probably hungrily. He'd been in a hurry before, so he hadn't had time to feed him.
After he'd fed Hank and let him outside, Fitz dragged himself back down to the basement.
He felt okay. His stomach was better, although he didn't feel up to eating anything quite yet. As for his racing mind — it was a little calmer. But he sure wouldn't mind relaxing for a bit.
He gingerly removed all his clothes save for his boxers, and crawled back into bed.
He allowed himself about an hour in bed, in which he was in and out of sleep. But by the end of it he felt even better, and a little more refreshed. Maybe his afternoon tired stage would be a little reduced now. He thought it already was lessened a bit since he'd been weaning off these particular meds — which was a good sign. He had to remember the positives.
When he got up and got dressed again, Mellie had just woken up and come downstairs for coffee.
She, after sleeping off a long shift the night before, looked very refreshed. He was jealous.
"Oh. Hey," she greeted, sipping her coffee.
"Hey," he replied.
Hank was vying for Mellie's attention right now, so she was kind of distracted, but she did notice that something seemed off.
"Everything okay?" she asked.
"Yes," he nodded, reaching for the coffee pot.
He hadn't even had any yet today. What a tragedy.
She looked at him skeptically, though.
"Fitzgerald."
"Melody," he said, peering over at her.
"Why do you look like shit?"
"Isn't this...just my face?" he asked.
She laughed. "Hmm...no I don't think so. Well...wait. Maybe?"
He chuckled at her, adding some cream to his coffee.
"Seriously, what's up."
He shrugged. "I'm good. Bad morning, but I'm fine now."
"Oh no. Did you have one?" she asked.
"I did," he admitted. "Just before I dropped K off."
She frowned. "Oh. I'm sorry, Fitz. Did you get her there okay? You could have woken me up."
"Yes, it was all fine," he replied. "You had a long day yesterday, there was...no need to wake you. I was just fine."
She scanned his face and shook her head.
"You're still a little pale," she noted.
"Yeah. I was sick," he admitted.
Her eyes widened. "You were sick too? Well, Lord, these have only continued to get worse with time, haven't they?"
"So far," he nodded, leaning back against the counter. "I'm, uh...pretty fucking tired of it all, to be honest."
"Yeah, I can definitely understand that," she nodded.
"Didn't help that Karen saw half of it, too," he added.
"She did?" Mellie asked.
"Yes. She came to find me and caught the tail end of it. She handled it...very well. It obviously wasn't the first one she's seen, but it was the first one she understood," Fitz said. "I can confidently tell you...I've never heard our daughter say the words 'just let me freaking help you!' before."
Mellie's eyes widened in disbelief.
"She said that?"
"Oh, she said it with all her might," Fitz chuckled. "I suddenly had no choice but to let her — she clearly was calling the shots."
"Oh...my?"
"Don't worry. We discussed the language. She was very quick to apologize," he added with a laugh.
Mellie shook her head and rolled her eyes as they shared a laugh.
"That girl. Oh my."
"She's something," Fitz nodded.
"Yes she is. Well, I'm glad she...forced you to let her help. Sounds very Karen-like," Mellie nodded.
"Mhm."
"And I'm glad you're doing better. I'll pick her up later so you don't have to worry about it," Mellie nodded.
"Thanks, Mell," he replied. "So, how was the late shift?"
"Oh, it was fine. Nothing too crazy," she said. "Did you get any more packing done while I was gone?"
"Yeah. In my office."
"Which one?"
"Basement one," he chuckled.
"Ahhh. Speaking of, how are you going to cope? Only having one office in your new house?" she joked.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know," he chuckled. "Hey. That was your idea, if you don't remember."
"Yeah. I figured you'd occasionally get sick of me and want to escape downstairs to work," she nodded. "And look at that, I was correct — you practically live down there now."
"True. What are you gonna do with those rooms, by the way?" he asked.
"Well, I don't even need one office, let alone two, so by all means, please take both sets of office furniture. And Karen's already got half an office in her room with her desk and all those supplies, so, I'm not sure what else we'd need the office stuff for."
Fitz chuckled in agreement. "Yeah, she does, doesn't she. I'm surprised she hasn't asked us for her own printer yet."
"Oh, believe me, I'm sure the day will come," Mellie nodded. "I haven't decided about the rooms yet. I'll just turn the exercise room into my yoga room, so it's not like I'll need one of those. I'll have to think about it all, I guess."
"Yeah. There's a lot of stuff we have to think about yet. You want to go through some stuff today, or...are you too tired?" he asked.
"No, we can. Sounds fine to me. I'd rather get more stuff done sooner than later, too. That way I know what new things I'm gonna need to buy."
"Alright. Well, let me know when you want to get a start on it. I think...I'm gonna take Hank outside for a walk. I need some fresh air and I know I don't have to ask him if he wants to."
Just at the mention of the word "walk," Hank was beginning to freak out. His whole butt wagged happily, as he looked up at Fitz and Mellie in anticipation.
"Okay. I'll be down in a bit, I'm going to shower first," Mellie said, heading upstairs with her coffee.
"Okay."
Hank trotted up to Fitz, looking at him curiously.
"Yeah, did you hear me, bud? Wanna go for a walk?"
Hank put his paws up on Fitz's legs, wagging his tail almost as if he was replying "yes!"
"Alright, alright. Let's go," he nodded, scratching behind his ears.
The walk cleared his head a little bit. And by the end of it, he was truly feeling better. And Hank was happy, so it was a win-win.
And since he was feeling better, packing things up and going through things would be a lot less painful.
They had plenty of time to do it, in reality. The current owners of his new house requested sixty days, so he had until mid-July before he actually made the move. But, he and Mellie were due for going through all of their stuff anyway. Plus, he was just excited, and Mellie kind of was too. She loved to decorate, so knowing that she would get an opportunity to buy some new things for the Rye house made her happy.
And, better to have things all packed up and set earlier rather than later. That was for sure.
They started with the basement, and went through the storage room first. There were things they forgot they even had. Things Fitz started packing away to take with him to his new house, things Mellie couldn't bear to part with — and of course, some things they decided it was time to get rid of.
It was a pretty productive afternoon, and by the end of it, they'd gone through and reorganized the entire storage room. Which, having seen what it looked like to start, was no small feat. Plus — they'd come out with a lot of wins.
Fitz rediscovered their old popcorn maker that was perfectly good — they just ran out of good counter space downstairs to put it. But he vowed he'd find somewhere in his new basement bar to include a little popcorn station. Karen would like that — and his girlfriend happened to have a thing for popcorn, too.
Then Mellie decided she wanted to bring out an old clothing rack she had that was currently storing some winter coats on it — and use it as an add-on in her closet. Her closet that would slowly become hers and hers only.
What they had a hard time deciding on, were Karen's baby things. They were the only things left in the storage room that hadn't yet found a "home."
They sat together on the floor of the basement living room, looking through Karen's things. It was a mix of old pictures and scrapbooks that weren't otherwise displayed in the house, and then some old toys that they hadn't had the heart to get rid of.
"Oh my God, remember that blanket?" Mellie asked, showing Fitz a picture.
He chuckled as he saw a very young Mellie holding a baby Karen on her knee, with the corner of the baby blanket clutched in Karen's fingers.
"I do. She could barely function without that," he said, smiling at the photo.
"Mhm. Oh. And then there's this one," Mellie added, turning the photo for Fitz to see.
This one was of him and Karen. He looked like a baby himself in the photo — holding his sleeping baby against his chest. His sweet, little K. She looked only a few months old in the photo, and he could slowly recall that exact day. The background was Mellie's mom's living room, so it brought him back to that time period for a second.
"Wow. My God. I actually...remember that day, funny enough."
"I think I do too," Mellie agreed. "God. We were such babies."
"Yeah, we were. And now all three of us are grown up," he teased.
Mellie laughed and nodded in agreement. "I know. She is damn near grown-up. Sometimes I look at her and...I just see a little lady. It makes me feel old!"
He chuckled. "Yeah. Some good news though — we're still ten years younger than most of her friends' parents. If not...more than ten years younger."
"Yes. We will always have that going for us," Mellie said, pointing at him. "You know, some of her friends' dads are already losing their hair."
"Whew," he said, frightened, reaching for the thick curls on his head. "Yeah. I uh...I definitely am not ready for that."
"I think you'll be good for a long time," Mellie laughed.
"I sure hope so," he nodded, wide-eyed.
"Well. You want to just split up these boxes? So we each have...a variety of ages and occasions?" she asked.
"Yeah," he agreed. "That sounds good to me."
"Unless...you don't want to have any of the pictures with me in them," she said cautiously.
He shook his head at her. "What? Mell. Come on."
"Hey, I was just making sure," she laughed.
"Mell. I'm not trying to erase the past. And I'm certainly not trying to erase you," he said. "You are...the mother of my child. And...my friend."
"Yeah. We are pretty good friends now, aren't we?" she nodded.
"I mean...yeah, this is the best it's ever been between us," he chuckled.
"Yeah. I'm not sure why we didn't figure out sooner that we are just...way better off as friends," she wondered aloud.
"I'm really not sure either," he laughed in agreement. "But. The past is the past. Now...we look forward."
"Yes. Look forward. And...you somehow think that means...that I will also be finding the man of my dreams," Mellie nodded skeptically, as she divided up some pictures.
"I do," he nodded. "It'll happen. I don't know when, but it will."
"Well, hey. I'm not as sold on it as you. But. I sure would...welcome the idea. I mean...at some point, I guess. I don't really know what it's like, and I can't imagine it. So I'm definitely...intrigued by it, I can't lie about that," she admitted.
"Intrigued by...finding someone? Someone that actually...works?" he asked.
"Yes," she laughed. "Someone that works."
"Well. I know I'm not the person you want to hear about that from. But I will tell you, that you'll know when you do. You will know when...you find him."
She nodded silently, but then seemed to think more about it.
"What...else?" she asked hesitantly.
"What...what else? What do you mean?" he asked, stacking some photo boxes beside him.
"I mean...what else is it like? Finding the person that works?" she asked.
He looked at her skeptically, but began to nod slowly. If she was actually asking him voluntarily, he felt better about answering.
"Well. It's...unlike anything else. It feels like...there are so many words to describe the feeling, yet...it's indescribable? Which...doesn't really make sense. But...sometimes it doesn't make sense. You can't always...make sense of what you feel. Or why. It's just this...big, crazy, chaotic...sometimes painful, mess. But...in a good way. An...amazing, perfect way, that just makes you...want more."
She nodded wide-eyed, but thoughtfully at his statement.
"Did that...I'm guessing that didn't really make sense. Sorry. I don't...I don't know how else to describe it. It's just...amazing, Mellie," he said.
"It...made sense," she nodded. "And maybe...one day, I'll be able to try and describe it myself. Maybe."
He smiled and gave her a brief nod.
"I know you will."
"Oh no the hell I won't," Shawn said.
"You're really just...not going to let me come back to New York after the summer, huh?" Olivia laughed.
"Nope. Are you kidding? You know how hard it is to even get you back to this...Arctic farmland? You went off to the city and I seen you one damn time, you nerd! You comin' back home, so I'm keepin' you here, end of story!" Shawn exclaimed, pointing at her onscreen.
"My friends here may have something to say about that, Shawn," Olivia giggled.
"Yeahhh, yeah, well can any of them take me? I don't think so. You know I can throw hands," Shawn nodded.
"Oh yes. I have firsthand experience. I was there when Billy Jensen tried to pull your hair and you flattened him on the blacktop in third grade," Olivia said, cracking up.
"As I should!" Shawn said. "Ain't nobody touchin' my hair. Absomotherfuckinglutely not."
"Abso...motherfucking...lutely," Olivia recounted. "I'm adding that to my vocabulary."
"Good! You welcome! I'm taking that compliment since you gonna be a big book editor and all that business," Shawn nodded.
"Thanks, Shawn," Olivia laughed. "And agreed big time on the no-hair-touching policy. He has no excuse, however, we all knew he had a crush on you and didn't know how to act right about it, apparently."
"Right, I think he could have expressed himself with words and not hair-pulling. Hair-pulling is for later down the line. Ain't that right, baby?"
Olivia laughed and heard Marcus laughing too. Shawn was looking very suggestively over at her boyfriend, who must have been on the other end of the room because Olivia couldn't see him.
"You got a point there," Olivia agreed.
"Mmmhm. Now, I know I talk a big game. But...as much as I'd like to keep you here with me, we all know I wouldn't do that to you. Or, to your man, because I'm sure he's gonna be helpless as it is with you not there all summer," Shawn pointed out.
"Oh, I hope not. I know I'll be sad. But...I hope he takes it better than me. He doesn't need any additional stressors in his life," Olivia said.
"Well, neither do you, girl! That's why we're gonna have a real great summer, then you can head on back, and I'll join you in a couple years. Sound like a plan?"
"Sounds like a plan. You bringing Marcus?" Olivia smirked.
Shawn laughed. "Oh, I guess. Hey, Marc, you hear that? You still gonna be with me in a couple years or what?"
Olivia heard a faint response in the background, but it was too quiet to make out.
Shawn smirked. "He said he ain't never leaving me."
"Of course he isn't! He'd be crazy to!" Olivia exclaimed.
"As would your man. Who, by the way, I am excited to meet someday," Shawn said.
"Aww, yes, he's said the same thing!" Olivia nodded.
"Well, ain't he sweet. You know, I do want to meet little K, too," Shawn added. "She's so cute."
"Oh my God, I know. I bet I didn't even send you our most recent picture together," Olivia said, scrolling through her phone.
"Oh, those ones in Central Park?" Shawn asked.
"Yeah!"
"Well, shit, you better send 'em right this second!" Shawn exclaimed.
Olivia laughed and nodded, as she located them in her camera roll.
"Okay, okay. They're sending."
Moments later, they must have popped up in Shawn's messages, because Shawn's face lit up.
"Aww! Y'all are so cute!" Shawn exclaimed.
"Thank you!"
"Damn. Now she really do look like her daddy, don't she," Shawn nodded. "She's gonna be...gorgeous."
"Ohhh yes. No doubt," Olivia agreed. "She's pretty damn cute. And so sweet and smart."
"Mhm. Well that ain't no surprise if her daddy's the same way. And I may not be a fan of miss ex-wifey, but I have seen a picture of her before and I sure as hell ain't blind. She's fucking gorgeous too."
"Yeah. Mellie's beautiful," Olivia agreed. "And also...very smart. And both she and Fitz are athletic, so Karen's got that going for her too. She's gonna be...quite the woman. She's already amazing and she's...ten."
"Lord! Well, yeah, then I can't wait to meet her, too."
"She will love you," Olivia assured her.
"I hope so!" Shawn exclaimed.
"She will. Everyone loves you, Shawn. But I may be number one. Sorry Marcus," Olivia said loudly.
She heard him chuckle lightly in the background.
"Yeah, well you might have to fight Isaiah on that title too," Shawn nodded.
"Awww, well I could never fight your sweet brother. I miss little Isaiah!" Olivia exclaimed.
"Well you know he's excited to see you too! Next week when you come over, he's gonna be goin' crazy."
"That's so sweet. I'll make sure to bring him something from New York," Olivia nodded.
"He'll love that, Liv," Shawn nodded. "Now what else are we gonna do next week, girl? Your first week back home. You better pick something — and we'll do it! Your choice!"
"Well, I'm super excited to go back to the community center because it's so hard to get open gym time here at my gym. So I definitely want to shoot around again. But there's so much we could do. Movie night, hang out with the rest of our old group, late night snacks at the restaurant..."
"Ohh! That last one though. Them late night snacks be hittin' different at the restaurant. Just don't let your mama see though..." Shawn said deviously.
"Right, right," Olivia laughed. "Oh, man. I'm so excited, Shawn."
"Me too, girl! I can't wait! You just let me know if your mama can't pick you up at the airport or anything, I'd be happy to come and get you."
"Thank you, Shawn! I'll for sure let you know," Olivia nodded.
"Cool. So what you gonna do this week then, since it's your last week there?"
"Well, I have finals this week. And then I have that formal thing on Friday, after my last day of school. Which is...a half-day, actually."
"Oh that's lit," Shawn said.
"Yeah, it'll be nice. So I'll go to that with all my friends," Olivia nodded.
"Now wait a minute...is that the thing that had your man feelin' the jealousy hardcore?"
Olivia winced and nodded. "Yep. Because Stephen is kind of my 'date' so to speak. It's really just a big group of us going, so it's in no way an actual date. But I get why he was jealous at first."
"Yeahhh I suppose. Him being older and all...he probably just felt a little on the outside," Shawn nodded. "But, he also gotta realize you had to deal with that feeling forever!"
"Yeah. It was fine though, we talked it through and we're all good. I'm glad we had the conversation. And, we made some plans for after the formal too."
"Oh, you made plans with your man?" Shawn asked.
"Mhm. Fitz is going to come down to the city on Friday night and we're going to have dessert and stay in the hotel we've stayed at before. Kind of...a trip down memory lane before I leave."
"Aww! Well that's cute!" Shawn exclaimed. "Did he come up with this idea?"
"Yes he did, actually," Olivia nodded.
"Well ain't he romantic!"
"Yeah. He's pretty cute. So I'm excited for that. And then...I'm going to spend my last night just packing up with Greta, and...Fitz might come see me off at the airport on Sunday, too."
"Well that's so nice, Liv. You'll get to spend a night with your friends and one with your man before you go!"
"Yeah. It should be a nice way to end the year. And of course, then I'm coming home to see you," Olivia said, giving Shawn a smile.
"Hell yes! I'm so pumped."
"Me too, girl," Olivia nodded.
"Alright, well I know you had a little study sesh with planned soon so I'll let you go. I just wanted to talk to my favorite nerd."
Olivia smiled. "I very much appreciate it, Shawn. I'll snap you later, K?"
"Mkay. Love you or whatever."
"Love you or whatever," Olivia waved.
"Bye!" Shawn yelled.
"Bye!"
Olivia shut her laptop and slid it inside her backpack near her feet.
"Greta!"
"Yeah?"
"You ready?"
"To study? Hell no. To see my boy? Hell yes," Greta yelled.
She was in their little sitting area putting her shoes on in no time.
"Mmmhm, don't let blondie distract you too much," Olivia giggled.
"I make no promises," Greta vowed.
Olivia shrugged. "Fair enough."
She certainly could relate — her man distracted the hell out of her too.
And he did a little bit that afternoon, through text. He was trying not to be a bother, but also wanted to be in contact with her.
And Olivia took every chance she got to text him back. Even though she did put most of her energy into studying with her group of friends.
It turned out to be a pretty productive session. And they made it fun. They'd gone to a nearby boba tea place that they'd grown to love, and just studied there. It was actually a really nice place to study, and a good change of scenery from either of their suites or the big study room.
And later that evening, after the study session and a nice dinner at the dining hall, Olivia settled into bed to FaceTime her boyfriend, whom she missed so much.
Unfortunately, the topic of conversation wasn't so cheery, when Olivia heard of what had happened earlier in Fitz's day. He'd come right out and informed her of the incident as soon as they started talking because he was trying to be better at sharing with her. And while she hated that he had to go through it, she did appreciate his openness, and could only imagine how hard it was for him.
"I'm sick of it, Olivia. I'm so sick of it all," he said quietly.
She sighed, nodding at her phone screen.
"I know you are, baby," she said sadly.
"It's just...it doesn't stop. Ever. I'm fucking tired of it ruining my life in all these different ways."
It hurt her to hear.
But already, this sounded like it needed to come out. He rarely got this upset or emotional about things, and he certainly had a hard time being open about this topic, so she wanted him to get it out if that's what he needed.
"How do you mean, baby?" she asked gently.
"I've just never had peace. Never. It's so...draining. I battle with myself internally every single day. I fight. And...I try to find a solution but nothing ever works. And now I've subjected my daughter to it after this morning. She's...fine, but I definitely scared the hell out of her. And me, if I'm being honest," he admitted. "And like always, there's the fact that I want to talk about it with you, but...I have a really hard time actually doing it. Even, um...right now. This is difficult. It shouldn't be. But it is, because...because the world makes me feel like I'm not supposed to. I've always felt...ashamed to. That's...that's the worst thing about all of it."
"Why do you feel that way, Fitz? How come?" she asked sadly. "I want to be able to understand, if I can. So I know how to help."
"Because...it's always just been viewed as...weak, I guess. Even though I didn't ask for it, and even though I fight so hard while it tries to...kick my ass every day. Some days...it takes everything in me to keep it at bay, and sometimes even then, it doesn't work. It's so hard for me. But that's...that's not viewed as strength," he said.
She looked up at him sadly, waiting for him to continue.
"This is viewed as weakness. Especially because...I'm a man, and especially if...I talk about it. A man talking about the fact that he's...anxious? That's unacceptable. Men don't do that. No, no. A real man is...is what. He's...I don't know, gruff and unemotional and...loves sports, beer, sex and lots of women and...guns, or something. And he definitely doesn't get anxious, much less talk about it."
Olivia gave him a completely disgusted look. Not directed at him, but at the world, for making him feel that way. She knew how it felt for people to think a certain way — for her, it was just different experiences.
"Now, on a side note — I do want to set some of those things straight, for the record," he added.
She got ready, giving him a little smirk. Oooo, baby, rant!
"I do love sports and I do love beer, although I actually prefer a strong scotch that most people can barely stand to smell, let alone drink. I do love women and have been surrounded by strong, powerful women my entire life. But...I'm guessing my admiration and respect for them rather than my desire to...sexualize them and treat them like trash, probably wouldn't count. I thoroughly enjoy sex, and am very often thinking about the next time you and I are going to engage in it. Particularly because I love and respect you — and your body makes my dick...uncontrollably hard."
Now she was slightly giggling to herself, covering her mouth.
"And I certainly don't like guns, or what they do to people in the wrong hands," he said. "And yeah. I have...anxiety. And it kicks my ass, so I'm...embarrassed by it. Embarrassed that I deal with it, and that I can't seem to conquer it. And I know I shouldn't be."
Olivia looked down solemnly at her comforter.
"But I am. It's why...it's why I've tried to suppress it and pretend I'm...fine all my life, when I'm...not actually fine. It's why I've mastered how to look confident on the outside, when I feel...so insecure on the inside. It's why...I didn't even tell you about it for the longest time. I feel like...I'm not allowed to talk about it, because...then it defines me. And I don't want it to define me. It shouldn't. But I seem to...let it. Clearly," he said. "I'm just sick of being embarrassed and feeling like I'm less, and trying all these medications that make my life a living hell, or...feeling this false sense of hope. I'm sick of stressing over keeping myself together if...something goes wrong. I just...want someone to help me. I want to feel better, Olivia. I just...want to be better."
"Oh, honey," she said sadly. "I'm so, so sorry."
He sighed, putting his hand up to his forehead. He looked defeated at the moment.
"It's fine," he said, embarrassed. "God. Sorry, I uh...I kinda went off there. That was...that was all over the place, I'm sorry."
"Do not apologize for anything. I'm glad I understand more of why...you don't feel comfortable sharing in general. I always chalked it up to...Mellie never supported you, so...you didn't think anybody would," Olivia said.
"Well. I'm sure that's part of it. But...even when I was a kid, I didn't want to talk to my mom about it, either. And she was...always supportive. Mostly, it's just...this stigma, I guess. I don't want to...be this. So I try to pretend I'm not. I keep it...hidden, and um...on the low."
Olivia nodded. She couldn't personally understand, because she didn't deal with what he did. But she did have an idea of what it felt like for the world to make you think you had to act a certain way to seem "acceptable." That was a terrible feeling. Terrifying, actually.
"I'm so sorry, honey. You are right. You are spot on about...what the world thinks. I wish you weren't. But you are. We have a lot of work to do on a lot of things. People are mostly just...shitty," Olivia nodded.
"Yeah," he agreed quietly. "But that was just me...having my moment to complain, I guess. I don't...I know I don't actually know shit. I know...you and so many others deal with so much worse in this world. I'm just...some white guy that does not deserve to ramble on about how society views him. I'm sorry about that, that was...very selfish of me."
"Well, now that isn't true," Olivia said. "You are right. You do have the privilege of being a man, and white. And...straight, too, for that matter. Those are things that haven't caused you any additional hardships in this world and you're very lucky about that. But that doesn't mean there aren't other things that have made your life harder. This is...one of those things. Nobody should take away from what other people face in the world. Don't downplay what hurts you. Okay?"
He still sat there in bed, running his fingers through his hair. As he often did when he was stressed.
But he nodded quietly in response.
"You will get through this. We will get through this. We will find you the right medication. You've only tried one since you've started looking again. Your new doctor is amazing, just like Mellie said. She knows what to do. We will get you the help that you need. Okay?"
He nodded again, but didn't meet her eyes.
"Fitzgerald," she said.
"Okay," he chuckled, giving her a smile.
"Okay," she nodded. "And. I'm really glad you talked to me about this. I want you to tell me these things. You can talk to me about anything and everything, just like you did tonight. I know we're all pressured to feel certain things, or like...we need to act a certain way. But...I'm not the world, baby. I'm me. I'm Olivia, your girlfriend, who wants to do anything she can to help. So please, continue to let me in. And let me help you when you need it."
"I know. I...I know," he nodded quickly. "I am trying to be better about that. I'm really trying."
"You have been better about it. I've never gotten a whole rant out of you before!" she said, giving him a smile.
He let out a chuckle. "Yeah. Apparently...those were things I needed to get off my chest."
"And do you feel a little better?" she asked.
He nodded truthfully at her. "Yeah."
"Good. That's...that's all I want. That's why I want you to feel like you can tell me anything, and always talk to me. Because...I want to support you in everything you deal with; all your battles. Because I know you'd do the same for me."
"I would. I will. Anything in the world," he nodded eagerly.
"I know, baby. I know," she said, smiling. "And I'll tell you the same thing I told you that night you first had an attack in front of me. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Nothing. You are the strongest man I know. This...this does make you stronger. Not weaker. This takes a special kind of strength. You have the kindest heart, and the sweetest soul. Everything about you...is perfect. Even the things you think are imperfections, like this. I love all of you. So tell me when you're anxious. Tell me when...you're having a tough time, or when you feel like you're in a bad place. Or tell me when you just need to rant about it all, like you did tonight. That's perfect too. My only concern is you, and your well-being. Because...you're my world, Fitz."
He let out a deep sigh and nodded at her thankfully.
"I don't know...what I did to deserve you," he whispered.
She shook her head at him. "I don't know what I did to deserve you."
He looked at her like she was crazy and let out a laugh.
"No. You don't...you don't understand, baby," he said. "You...you are just..."
He sighed, trailing off.
"Nobody's ever...been my fan like you. I've just never felt so supported, and...safe, I guess," he said, almost hesitantly. "Sorry. That sounded...really stupid, oh my God. But I don't know how else to describe it, that's just, uh...how you make me feel."
She literally had no chance to stop the tears. The tears she always hated. But they came, because of him. Because he was...Fitz. Because she loved him so much. And probably, because she was already starting to dread and feel the weight of leaving him in just a week's time.
"Oh, Fitz," she whispered, wiping her face.
"Oh! Oh...shit. No, baby. I'm so sorry. That wasn't...my intent," he said, seeing her tears. "I didn't mean to make you...cry! You...you hate crying. Fuck, I'm sorry."
"No, no," she said, laughing and crying at the same time. "Don't apologize. It just hurts me when you're not doing well. So...I guess hearing that I make you feel that way just makes me happy. I know sharing these things can be hard, but...I'm really grateful I make you feel safe to do so."
"Oh, Livvie, of course you do. I'm the one that...needs to keep improving with this; it's on me. You are amazing and always have been. I love you so much. So much. Thank you for being you."
"Thank you for being you," she said, wiping her face.
She'd already gotten her tears under control, which was good. But her eyes were still damp.
"And...I'm sorry I dragged you into all of this tonight. It really wasn't my intention to subject you to a big rant. I was just...trying to be honest about what happened this morning and here I am, being...dramatic," he chuckled, shaking his head.
"No. Absolutely not — I'm glad you said everything you said. It helps me know what you're thinking and how you feel. I understand. None of it was dramatics, it was your truth. And I'm very glad you told me about this morning. Though, I'm so sorry about it. You really...threw up?" she asked with a wince.
"Yes," he nodded hesitantly. "Not my best moment."
"And you're sure...it wasn't from anything you ate, or just...anything else?" she asked.
"Yeah. I'm sure. Nothing else ever felt wrong. And I do know the feeling of...how severe it can get. You know...to the point of throwing up. I know the feeling. It happened to me...not that long ago. When...we broke up," he admitted.
"Oh my God. Baby. It did?" she asked.
"It did," he nodded.
"Like...that night?" she asked.
"Right after it happened, when I went upstairs," he answered. "Sometimes when...things are overwhelming, or your brain is working too hard, it...can really mess with you physically. It happens. So...yeah. We don't have to dwell on that — I'm completely fine. Things will be fine. Like you said, there will be a solution, even if...I'm having trouble seeing it now."
"Yes. There will be," she nodded. "And I'm here every step of the way, okay? We'll get there."
"I know," he said. "I know. Thank you, Olivia."
"You're so welcome, baby."
"I'm sorry I'm...I'm still so new to all of this. Opening up, and...everything. You'd think at my age I'd have this...all figured out. But...surprise, surprise...this is my first, uh...healthy relationship and I guess it's just...new to me still," he chuckled.
"Well, I'm learning right along with you, baby," she agreed with a laugh. "I've never had such a healthy and...serious relationship before either. So...we can continue to learn and navigate it together," Olivia nodded with a smile.
"That sounds like a wonderful plan to me," he nodded. "I love you."
"I love you too, Fitz."
And now, he truly felt like he'd gotten out what he needed to get out. He felt a weight lifted off his chest, because it was something he'd never talked about before to anyone.
He'd been trying to be better lately about being open because he knew Olivia wanted to help, and because it benefitted him to be able to talk about it and not have things pile up, too. But of course, actually opening up was a different story. It was easier said than done.
But it did feel different now. Showing all his insecurities and discussing them with her. Letting himself be completely and utterly vulnerable — while somewhat embarrassing — was still freeing. He couldn't deny that.
And the way she responded only made him feel more supported. Something that everyone deserved to feel, no matter who they were.
He genuinely felt better. And he felt closer to her.
And when she said "we'll get there," he believed her. Not just about his medication. But about everything. His new house. The tough conversations that still had to be had. Their new life together.
Their whole future.
He couldn't wait for all of that. And for some reason, he had a newfound sense of hope, and assurance. He couldn't help but reaffirm her confidence in everything with an assuring smile.
"We'll get there."
Another chapter in the books. And an important one at that. I know it was on the more emotional side. Feeling comfortable and open about tough things always takes time. But it's an important journey and it always entails some difficult but necessary conversations.
As always, I hope you enjoyed. The next chapters are goodbye for these two, so prepare for some more emotion. :(
Stay safe and read on,
~T