CHAPTER 33

Three Months Later

"Jesus, Mads...you look terrible and you're getting huge," said Em as I passed by her cubicle.

"I can always count on you for the brutal truth, Emily. Care to join me for lunch or would you rather stay here and think up one or two closing zingers to end the day with?" I said, stopping behind her chair. She jumped up out of her seat as if she were on springs.

"You know I only say those things because I care, Mads," she said.

"I'd hate to hear what you'd say if you didn't."

We made our way to the elevator and down to the cafeteria. The line for food was unusually long. Em seemed surprised that I chose to stand in line and wait.

"What? No salad today? That's totally out of character for you, Mads."

"Can I help it if the baby wants fries and a chocolate milkshake?"

"How have you been feeling?"

"Tired and fat, mostly," I said.

"Is Casey still over the top attentive these days?"

"He's always attentive, Em, but he's been a little preoccupied with getting the new house finished before the baby comes. He's been working on it day and night when he's not on shift. We only have a few more months," I said, shoving in a fist full of fries into my mouth. "Better make that two orders of fries," I said to the lunch lady behind the steam table.

"But it's four more months, isn't it?" asked Em, looking slightly puzzled.

"Four...a few...it's all the same to me. I blame pregnancy brain fog," I said. I carried my tray full of fries over to a booth with Em right on my heels.

"Have you had any news about Walker?" she asked. I knew Em well enough to know that she wasn't asking out of the kindness of her heart. She was being nosey.

"I spoke to Junior just before Thanksgiving, but nothing since the holidays passed. He was making progress in therapy at that time. Last I knew, they were allowing him to have visitors and were going to give him phone privileges."

"Have you talked to him?"

"No, Em."

"Will you talk to him if he calls you?"

"Of course I will! Why wouldn't I?"

"Because of Casey and what he might think."

"Matt knows everything, Em...things that even you don't know...and he fully understands and, more importantly, accepts my need to support Jackson while he gets better." Even I could detect the defensive tone in my voice.

"Will you be going to visit him?"

"No, Em...and there's an end to it, okay? " She nodded reluctantly, but I knew this wasn't going to be the end of this discussion.

"All I can say is that Casey is one hell of a man to allow you to keep communicating with your first husband," she said without looking up from her salad. I could feel the defensive attitude rearing its ugly head even more than before.

"Emily...first of all, neither Matt nor I use the words 'allow' or 'forbid' in our marriage. We are two adults who are committed to each other and, after a lot of hard work and soul searching, have come to have a stronger mutual trust in each other...and just for the record, Matt isn't exactly an angel in all of this. He made some pretty serious mistakes. You seem to keep forgetting that," I said.

"I haven't forgotten what he did, Mads. Trust me. I just felt sorry for him when Walker was here," she said.

"Don't. Matt's ego took a beating and that lies solely with him. No one else. Even he knows that."

She was silent for what seemed like an eternity, choosing to finish her lunch without ever looking up from her food.

"Mads?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still love him?"

"What kind of question is that, Emily?"

"An honest one that deserves an honest answer. I saw the way you were with each other."

"When, Em...when did you ever see me and Jackson together?"

"One night at The Roadhouse. I saw the two of you hugging in the parking lot and it concerned me. It worried me so much that I even told Casey about it."

"You did what?" My words were pointed and angry.

"I meant no harm, Mads. I was only…" I cut her off before she could finish her sentence.

"Let me get this straight...you saw Jackson and me hugging and it concerned you so much that you felt compelled to tell my husband about it? Do you even know how goddamn ridiculous that sounds?!"

"Mads, you and Casey are my best friends. I was worried I was going to lose you."

"And did you ever stop to think what Matt and I stood to lose by your little observation? No, Em...you didn't. What did Matt say when you told him?"

"He pretty much told me I was crazy," she said.

"I concur. Do me a favor...next time you have the urge to say something to Matt about Jackson, come to me first."

"Fine, but will you be honest with me?"

"Of course. Jesus," I said, She was beginning to exasperate me.

"Then tell me if you still love Jackson Walker."

"Yes, I do...and Matt knows that too, so don't go off the rails and have another little tete a tete with him behind my back. Happy now? Lunch is over, Em. I have a budget meeting I have to get to and you have reports you have to finish. I'll see you upstairs." I wiped my hands with a napkin, then slid out of the booth. I could feel Em's eyes on me as I walked away from the table, knowing full well that this topic was going to stick with her no matter how I answered her questions.

"Finn, stop splashing...it's not funny, little man," I said, trying to take the plastic fire truck bath toy out of his hands. He continued to slam the thing into the water, spraying me and the floor and anything in a two foot radius and giggling the entire time. Bath time had become a water war lately, with me on the losing end. The front of my shirt was soaked and my patience was wearing thin. It had been a long, arduous day and I was in no mood to deal with a precocious toddler.

"Finn, come on! Stop it!" I said, finally wrestling the toy away from him.

"Let me finish up with him, Maddy," said Matt, suddenly appearing in the bathroom doorway.

"Gladly. Whoever bought him this toy should be horsewhipped," I said.

"It was Em," he replied.

"I should have known. She's already gotten on my last nerve today, so one more thing won't mean much," I said, trying to push myself up by leaning on the side of the tub. Matt put his hands underneath my arms and helped me to a standing position.

"Thanks, Captain...I guess my center of gravity has shifted a little." He smiled broadly, then kissed me softly. His lips were warm, wet and inviting. It had felt like it had been ages since he kissed me, even though he kissed me goodbye this morning when he came home from work. My conversation with Em was still rankling in my head and the feel of Matt's kiss soothed the savage pregnant beast that had been rearing her ugly head since lunch.

"Again," I said. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and leaned in for another longer and deeper kiss. His hands slid around my waist and he pulled me in close to him.

"Gladly," he said, brushing his lips across mine.

"Kiss!" squawked Finn. We both looked down at our son who was standing in the tub in the middle of his safety seat, with his arms extended up. Matt grabbed the towel from the bar and wrapped it around him, then lifted him up. We both kissed the opposite sides of Finn's head.

"Go make yourself a cup of tea and put your feet up. I'll take it from here," said Matt.

"Look at what I did...I got you all wet," I said, pulling on the large wet spot on the front of his t-shirt.

"It's only fair, baby...I get you wet from time to time," he smirked.

"Yes...yes, you do," I said, leaning in for another kiss. Matt carried Finn into his room and I went into our room to change out of my wet clothes and into my robe. As I was heading back downstairs, Matt came out of Finn's room and into the hallway. He was holding Finn, who was dressed in his favorite fireman pajamas.

"Say good night, Momma," he said. "It's time for bed."

I took Finn out of Matt's arms, hugged him close and kissed the side of his little blonde head. "Night night, Finny. Sweet dreams, baby boy. Momma loves you."

"Night night, Momma. Wuv you," he said. Matt took him from my arms and back into his room to put him to bed. I suddenly felt guilty for having scolded him for splashing me. He was just a baby and was enjoying playing in his bath. He didn't know that his Momma was a moody pregnant cow and had little patience left after a long hard day at work. As I walked down the stairs, I wiped a couple of tears away from my face. I couldn't wait to be a stay at home mom. Maybe then, I wouldn't have to cry so much about the total emotional exhaustion I felt after coming home from work every day.

I walked into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea then retreated to the living room. I plopped down on the couch and put my feet up on the coffee table. I took a sip of tea, closed my eyes, laid my head back on the couch and let out a long sigh. The sound of Matt's voice startled me out of my trance.

"Are you okay, baby?" he said, sitting down next to me.

"Yeah, just exhausted," I replied.

"Tough day at work?"

"Yeah...and then some," I said, thinking back to the conversation I had with Em at lunch.

"Turn around and put your feet on my lap. I'll massage them for you," said Matt.

"You are the best husband ever," I said, as I swung my feet off the coffee table and onto Matt's lap.

"Yeah, I know it," he said, giving me a devilish grin. He gripped both my feet and pressed his thumbs into the ball of the soles.

"Oh God, that feels so good." I said.

"So, do you want to tell me why you're upset with Morrison or should I not pick at that scab?"

"She told me today that she came to talk to you about Jace while I was in Texas. Why did you never tell me that?" I said, cutting to the chase.

"Mainly because I thought she was out of her tree for even broaching the subject, that's why," he said, matter of factly. "I told her that jumping to conclusions is what got me in trouble in the first place and she should consider that before saying something she might regret."

"Did she listen?"

"She never brought the subject up again...at least not with me."

"I wish she'd stop bringing it up with me, but she keeps picking, picking, picking."

"She does it because she cares."

"I know she does, but she's also nosey. It's part of what makes her a good social worker, but an exasperating friend."

"Have you heard how he's doing?"

"Last time I talked to Junior, he was making some headway in therapy, but I haven't heard anything more since the holidays. I'm taking that as a good sign." Matt nodded, then gave me a crooked grin and kissed my toes.

"All better?" he asked.

"Mmmmmmm, much. Thank you, Captain." I swung my legs off of his lap and sat up next to him. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed him softly on his perfect lips. "So...you wanna fool around, handsome?"

"Are you sure, baby? You just said you were exhausted."

"Oh, I'm sure...that is if you can get past my bowling ball sized stomach and the granny panties that cover it," I said, smirking.

"Baby, you could be wearing a burlap sack and combat boots and I would still think you're the sexiest thing I'd ever seen," he said, making me giggle. He kissed me softly, then pressed his forehead to mine.

"I don't deserve you, Matt Casey," I whispered. A few stray tears escaped down my cheeks.

"No baby, it's me that doesn't deserve you," he replied.

"Maybe it's a little of both," I said.