Chapter 33
Elliot called his buddy in the morning and he agreed to meet him for lunch.
Liv was so occupied with her search for a new apartment that she didn't even ask who he met for lunch.
Normally Elliot wouldn't like her being this uninterested in his plans but today it was perfect.
He came back after his 'meeting' and was in a really good mood. Liv was kinda irritated but she didn't have the time to ask him why he was so damn cheerful.
After work Elliot wanted to show Liv something but he didn't want to say what it was.
On the one hand she thought it was exciting and fun but on the other hand she wanted to know what he was up to.
He loved being in control and to keep her in the dark. She could see it on his face and although she wanted to be the one who was in control she thought it was more than cute how excited he looked.
"Okay. We're here." he jumped out of the car to open her door.
"Thank you. What a gentleman." He just winked at her and led her into a building. She looked at him questioningly.
"No questions, please." he said. She laughed and followed him quietly.
They took the elevator to the 6th floor and he unlocked another door.
Liv walked into a beautiful apartment. It was light although it was already late and it was commodious. She walked from room to room, the bathroom was big and pretty. There were three bedrooms, one master bedroom which was just amazing and two smaller ones which still looked nice and light.
The kitchen was modern and huge, she looked at Elliot and said, "This place is amazing but a bit big for one person and way over my price level."
He looked kinda uneasy and nervous. Which made her feel weird.
"Elliot, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, it's just. Well, I wanted to ask you if you want to move in here with me?"
She was really surprised because she didn't expect that at all. He could see the fear and panic in her eyes.
"Liv, don't panic okay. I won't pressure you and I won't act weird if you don't want to, okay? It's just that a friend of mine told me about this apartment and since you lost yours I thought.. well.. But there is something important that I need to tell you. This apartment is a bargain, because someone was killed in here."
She looked at him even more surprised than before.
"The owner tried to sell it for a while now but most of the people don't wanna live at a "crime scene", although it happened about 2 years ago. It was a murder- suicide, so noone is in danger living here, but I get it if you don't want that. We have enough crime in our job."
Liv still just stared at him, unable to say anything.
"Babe, please don't freak out, okay? Let me take you home, you'll have the whole apartment for yourself because I need to drive over to Kathy and the kids, something about signing some school papers and stuff. I want you to feel free to do whatever you want to do, don't worry about me. I will support you no matter what."
He kissed her cheek gently and she tried to smile but failed miserably.
"I'll just take a cab back to your apartment, okay? You don't have to drive all the way back."
"It's not that far, as you may have recognized, we are pretty close to the precinct too. I can drive you, it's not a problem."
"But I still wanna take a cab." she said almost inaudible.
He knew she has never lived with a man before and that she always ran before things could get too serious. He was fucking scared that he has gone too far this time.
"Please, don't run. It's okay if you aren't ready. Okay?"
He tried to look her in the eyes but she looked down at her hands.
The distance between them right now, scared the shit out of him. Why did he have to push her? Of course she felt pressured.
She knew that he wanted it and although he said it was fine if she wasn't ready, she still knew he wanted to live with her. He wanted to take the next step.
"We should get going. Or you'll be late." she said with no emotion in her voice.
He tried to touch her hand but she flinched as soon as he touched her, so he pulled it back again. It was scary, they were so fucking comfortable around each other a few minutes ago and now she was so far away.
Outside she turned to him and said," I'm sorry."
And with that she walked away. He didn't know what it meant.
Sorry, I can't do this anymore.
Sorry, I can't move in with you.
Sorry, it's too much right now, I need time to think.
He was so confused and scared.
Please, let it be the third one.
He couldn't live without her in his life. No, she had to stay.
Liv walked around for a while. She needed the fresh air to think.
She knew she loved him. She wanted to be with him. She practically lived with him right now and she liked being around him that much but it still scared the shit out of her.
What was wrong with her? Maybe she wasn't able to have this kind of relationship. Although she wanted to have it. She wanted to be like most of the women she knew.
All they wanted was to have a husband, a nice home and a family. But she never had anything like this in her life. She didn't know what it felt like to come home to a family.
All she ever had was her mother, who was drunk most of the time and hated Liv for what she represented.
I am not made for this, she thought.
She took out her phone and texted Jess.
"Need a drink. Meet me at Johnny's in 15!"
A few seconds later she got a reply.
"Will be there in 20!"
About 15 minutes later Liv entered the bar. She sat down at a table in a corner and waited for Jess.
The waiter came over immediately but she said she was waiting for someone, so he left but not without a lame hit- on.
She smiled politely but also signaled him that she wasn't interested. She hoped he understood that she really wasn't interested and wouldn't continue to flirt with her. She couldn't deal with this right now.
Finally Jess entered the bar.
"Hey. Sorry, it took me longer than I thought."
"Don't worry. I am glad you came."
As if he had waited the whole time, the waiter was back as soon as Jess sat down. They ordered and he left but not without winking at Liv. Jess laughed.
"Do you know him?"
"No." Liv said, annoyed.
"And you still won't admit it?"
"Admit what?" Liv said unnerved.
"Admit what?" Jess said parroting Liv. "Admit that you are too hot for this world."
"Stop it, please." Liv said a bit too pleadingly.
"What's wrong?" Jess asked worriedly.
"I just wanna have a drink with you and talk about... I don't know what but not about this. Okay?"
Jess studied her suspiciously but accepted her plea.
"Alright. So, Eric called. He apologized again and asked for another date."
"See, I told you he was telling the truth." Liv said. Jess smiled.
"I know. But I am kinda nervous. It's been a while since I was on a date."
"I totally get that. The first date is always a bit weird. With all the expectations and the pressure."
"Wow, thanks. Now I feel so much better about it." Jess said sarcastically.
"I am sorry. It'll be great."
Liv couldn't really concentrate on her conversation with Jess. She was stressing herself out about her behaviour earlier. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she take the next step?
She loved him and she wanted him in her life. More than anything.
So why did it freak her out like this? They almost lived together now and she liked it. She liked falling asleep on his chest and waking up next to him.
But she still had her apartment, well not really anymore but if things wouldn't have worked out she could've gone there, into her own space.
She has never built on anyone in her life. She has always taken care of everything herself. She has never needed anyone.
It scared the shit out of her to change that. She was scared that she won't be able to be alone again, after she let him in her life like that. What will happen to her when he leaves? Everyone left at one point. They always did and then she wouldn't be able to be on her own anymore.
"Liv?" Jess said, poking her hard.
"Ouch! What the fuck, Jess?" Liv said angrily.
"I said your name like a hundred times. What is going on with you?" she asked concernedly.
"Sorry, I am just… thinking." Liv said while hiding her face in her hands.
"Did he, whoever he is, do something? You worry me." Jess said sympathetically.
"What? No! It's me. I am the problem."
"So, he is not married?" Jess asked.
Liv looked at her shocked.
"Of course not! I would never do that. Come on. You know me." she said, shaking her head in disbelief.
"Well, I just wondered why you never told me much about him. You didn't even mention his name. It made me think."
"No, oh my god. What kind of person do you think I am?"
"No one can decide who they fall for. So calm down, I am not thinking anything bad about you. But I really don't understand why you don't wanna talk about him. I don't know anything about him."
"It's complicated." was all Liv said.
"Well, can you at least tell me this? How long are you seeing each other?"
"A few months."
"A few MONTHS! And you didn't tell me anything? So it is serious. I never know that with you. Most of the time you leave them before it gets too serious."
Liv looked at her devastated.
"Hon, sorry. What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?" Jess asked worriedly.
"I run. Always! That's who I am. Incapable of having a normal relationship."
"No, you just haven't found the right one yet. Is that the problem? Things are getting serious and you don't know how to handle it?" Liv nodded slightly.
"I am an emotional cripple. Not capable of real love."
"Okay, wow. Take it easy there for a moment. You are one of the most empathetic people I know. You are so loving and everyone around you feels loved and cared for. You are such a good person, Liv.
Don't let fear take over.
You always just ran. There was no talking, no thinking. You just left them.
I wasn't a part of the process.
This time it's different. You are trying to understand it. You don't wanna run. You want it to work. It's different, you are different." Liv looked at her surprised and thankful.
"You should think about changing your career, you would make a great motivational speaker." Jess laughed.
"Thank you, for real. I mean I am still scared and don't know what to do but you really helped me."
"I am glad I could help." she said with a wink.
They ordered another round of drinks and Jess made fun of the waiter, who tried to get Liv's attention every time he walked by. What he did almost every 5 minutes.
"Can you stop it?" Liv said annoyed after Jess winked at him. "He will think we are interested."
"Come on. It's fun."
"You are so confident around men but nervous about a date with Eric. Why's that?" Liv said grinning.
"Wow. Nice one. Okay, I'll stop flirting with the waiter if you don't mention my date with Eric anymore."
"I am fine with that." Liv said, pleased.
Liv realized how late it was when she checked her phone a while later.
"Shit." It was almost 1am and she had 3 missed calls from El.
"I have to go now. I am such an asshole." She put money on the table and stood up.
"Is everything okay?" Jess asked confusedly.
"I just left earlier and he called me three times. I am such an asshole. Fuck!" she said rushing out of the bar.
Jess was left behind more than confused.