Your Eyes Close
Some mildly NSFW content ahead.
"You are saying that Cole undid…" Cassandra waves her hand, searching for a word to encompass everything that has happened. "That he fixed you?" She scowls, but Lani knows she is not angry with her. If anything, there is a great deal of relief and hope in Cassandra's steely eyes.
Lani studies the faces of her Council and they all reflect a relief similar to Cassandra - an eager desire for her words to be true. It is only Leliana that eyes her with a muted skepticism.
"Cole returned to the Fade, you said?" Leliana queries of Cassandra, though her gaze does not leave Lani.
"Yes, or he said that he would, but then…" Cassandra rubs the back of her neck, "it would appear I - we - fell asleep." She looks questioningly to Lani.
"You were all exhausted and he wanted to speak to me alone," Lani supplies. She is grateful she can keep her tone so even; how casually she is able to twist her lies to sound like heartfelt concern. She had intended to tell them the truth. She was sick to death of secrets and lies, and had called her Council in good faith, intent on telling them exactly what had transpired.
When the time came however, the words would not come. A terrible fear had gripped her - not for herself, but for Mythal's soul. The All-Mother had entrusted it to her and the more people that knew about it, the greater the peril. No, she had to keep it safe - she had to keep it secret.
"I know that only time will bear out the truth of it," Lani says, imploring them to trust her again. "I can make no promises and I understand it will take time to regain your trust. After what I have done, I would understand if you could never forgive me."
"Inquisitor please!" Josephine objects. "It is clear to all of us that you were not yourself. You are a victim here, more than anyone else."
"Yes, I am relieved that disaster was averted. We never lost faith in you Inquisitor," Cullen tells her with earnest fervour, "If anything it has been renewed."
Lani nods graciously, fighting back tears of shame. Their words cut her deeply, she does not deserve such unwavering trust.
"As you say," Leliana quietly observes, "it will take time."
"This other matter then. You're certain that Stroud is alive?" Cullen moves them on and she thinks she could almost kiss him right now, for saving her from Leliana's relentless scrutiny.
"I'm not certain at all. But if there is even a chance, we can't leave him there," she implores.
"How exactly will you find him?" Leliana asks.
"I'm not sure," she confesses.
"And how will you defeat the Nightmare?" Cassandra is quick to follow up.
"I don't know," Lani laughs - a wry, helpless warble. She knows how rash and ridiculous it seems. "I know how it sounds, but this is the right thing and I have to do it. I won't ask anyone to risk their lives for this, I will go alone if I have to."
"Absolutely not!" Cullen insists. "For all we know this is a trap. That demon was attempting to cross the Veil at Adamant, you are the only one now that can free it."
"I know that," Lani replies with a hint of exasperation. Do they think she has not already thought of all of this? She breathes out slowly, resting her hands on the map table as she chews the side of her mouth, lost in thought. They are right to question her - she has come to them with a reckless proposition and no sensible plan of action. Her shoulders slump in weary resignation. "I would prefer if we acted on this quickly. If Stroud truly lives, then in every moment he is suffering. He is being tortured."
Leliana and Cullen both open their mouths to speak and Lani holds up her hand, firmly interjecting. "But… I understand you have concerns, so I would ask that we please make this a priority. I will do this, but I will not be reckless and hasty."
She easily catches the looks that pass between the Council; their palpable relief; the way the tension melts from their stiff postures at her words. They are so eager for her to be herself - desperate almost, to be able to rely once again upon their Herald. Winning them over is easier than she had anticipated. It is disheartening in a way. Have they learned nothing?
As much as it is a relief that they do not scrutinise her story more - their blind faith is irksome. This eager complacence is what allowed Cole to change her with impunity. Allowed Fen'Harel to walk amongst them with little scrutiny. Yet another truth she has decided to omit, for to confess his identity - to convince them - would require giving them her indisputable source: Mythal.
She will not make the same mistakes. She will not fail to question and scrutinise again. She will uncover the real reason Solas joined the Inquisition - starting with the Orb.
"Does that seem reasonable, Inquisitor?"
"Sorry?" She blinks up at Josephine. "Forgive me, I was thinking about how to find Stroud."
"Yes… as we were discussing. You said you believe returning to Adamant was the best course. That is a long journey, which we must begin preparations for immediately, if you wish this to be done soon. In the meantime we thought perhaps, we could task our researchers with finding a way to perhaps bind Nightmare?"
Lani gasps, "Would such a thing even be possible?"
"You are the mage here," Josephine shrugs, "but it is a demon in essence is it not?"
"Yes, it is…" Lani does not know why she doubts this course of action. Perhaps because Nightmare just seems so immense and frightening. It was hard to imagine such a thing could be contained. "As for Stroud, it's possible I could try and contact him in my dreams. If he lives that is."
"Would that truly be confirmation, or simply wishful thinking?" Leliana posits.
"I believe I would be able to tell the difference," Lani assures her.
"Is it safe for you to do so?" Cassandra asks, "If Nightmare senses you-"
"It will give me a terrifying dream and nothing more. It cannot cause me real harm in dreams. Only when I physically enter the Fade am I vulnerable to its attacks."
"Then it would seem we have our work cut out for us," Cullen remarks with finality and relief floods through Lani. So long as Cole has truly returned to the Fade and does not pop up at an inopportune moment to unravel her lies.
"I will speak with the mages," Lani volunteers, "task them with looking into our demon problem. It means we might have to take some along and soldiers to keep them safe when I enter the Fade."
Josephine nods, scribbling with her pen, "Indeed, I will begin arranging supplies and an escort for the mages if need be."
"And whatever equipment Dagna might need to take with her."
"Dagna?" Cassandra protests, "This is not a sight-seeing tour!"
"I know, but this could be the one and only chance for her to study the Fade in person. She'd never forgive me if I made her stay behind, though I doubt we could stop her from coming along," Lani shrugs.
"We seem to be forgetting one key part of this plan," Leliana remarks and all eyes turn to her. "You closed all the rifts at Adamant. How will you enter the Fade and return again?"
"I have opened new rifts at least three times now." Lani winces, realising the last time was in the Great Hall, when she unleashed demons upon Skyhold. Cassandra and Cullen both shuffle awkwardly with the sudden reminder.
"Yes and one of those times you were completely incapacitated afterwards," Leliana tersely reminds them. "If that were to occur at Adamant, what chance do you have against Nightmare?"
"That won't happen," Lani assures her. I won't be opening a Rift across time. Her mind whirls with the possibilities however. Is it not possible that she could open a Rift directly to Adamant? If she could save them a months long journey it was worth attempting surely. Would she be weak afterwards? What were the limits of her stamina?
"How do you know?" Leliana's sharp voice cuts into her quiet introspection.
"I cannot explain the Anchor or its workings, it is beyond me. But I have begun to understand my limits and I know I can do this. I just need you to-"
"Trust you?" Leliana hisses. "When you have lied to us from the moment you opened your mouth today. Here in this room, where we were always honest with one another, even if the truth was painful - because the stakes were too great for us to keep secrets!"
"No secrets?" Lani scoffs. "How long before the rest of us did you know that Blackwall was Thom Rainier?"
"What?" Josephine gasps, her pain evident as she turns to Leliana.
"That is not pertinent-"
"How long!" Lani exhorts.
"I knew within months of his recruitment," Leliana grudgingly admits.
"Unbelievable," Cullen mutters, crossing his arms.
"He seemed to be in earnest, in wanting to atone for his past. It was clear to me that he had not murdered Warden Blackwall at least," Leliana explains, though her words fall on deaf ears. "If his true identity had been revealed, we would not have been able to make use of the Warden Treaties."
"You could have told us!" Josephine upbraids her. "Without betraying his identity to the world… you could have told us."
"I did what I thought was best," Leliana stubbornly insists.
"You would have kept Lani's disappearance a secret from us too, if you could have," Cullen grinds out.
Lani quirks her eyebrow at Leliana - her distrust feels excessive, even given the circumstances. She wonders what exactly Leliana is keeping from them all. Does she know something about Solas perhaps? "Any other secrets you'd like to share, Spymaster?"
"With you?" Leliana sneers.
"Leliana!" Cassandra rebukes, appalled by the sudden hostility between them.
There is definitely something else at play here, Lani muses.
"What did you and Abelas discuss?" Leliana demands to know. "What really happened with Cole? Why are the elves in Skyhold losing their wits every time they see you?"
"Abelas hoped I could help him find more ancient elves - and had to leave disappointed. I explained what occurred with Cole. As for the elves, I believe they can feel the Fade. As I said, I can't explain the changes to the Anchor," she holds forth her left hand, letting the Anchor pulse to life as she studies it. "Elves seem more sensitive to it, they can see the Fade around me, I presume. I believe in time they will come to realise that it is not a sign of divinity - any more than the Anchor was. Any further questions?"
Leliana's mouth purses sourly - undoubtedly she has many questions yet, but she shakes her head, letting them slide for now. The others seem further assured by Lani's measured and seemingly honest response.
Lani nods with satisfaction, "Very well, I'm going to speak with Dorian and the others about confining Nightmare." She turns on her heel, quitting the room and leaving her Council to seethe at Leliana.
It is not ideal and she will have to work twice as hard now to regain Leliana's confidence, but better this than confessing the truth. She presses her palm against her chest - better than endangering Mythal.
She scurries through the Great Hall, relieved that it is mostly empty aside from the masons that are busy repairing the damage she inflicted. She wishes the damage to her reputation could be patched over as easily, though Josephine was already working hard on that front.
All the more reason I need Leliana back on side, she growls in frustration, keeping her eyes low as she hurries through the Rotunda toward the stairs to the library. Garast Cole! These are all complications she does not need right now. There are still rifts to be closed; Venatori and Red Templars running loose through the country and whatever it is that Solas is up to.
Icy talons rake down her spine, her legs coming to a sudden halt. Had Solas been the one whispering to Corypheus from the Fade? Is that how he escaped his self-made prison - through the Breach? If that was the case, why remain afterwards then? Why help them to stop Corypheus? Did he actually feel remorse for the destruction he unleashed? Perhaps in his bid for freedom he had not anticipated all the rifts that would open, drawing spirits though and twisting them.
She hugs herself, shivering in the dark stairwell and urges her legs to carry her upward. She cannot make sense of it all, it didn't feel like something Solas would do. Fen'Harel, the Dread Wolf - that showed compassion to refugees and cared deeply about spirits. That was passionate about individual freedoms and mage rights. Who was just as quick with words of encouragement for his friends, as a pointed barb for his enemies. He had approached her with cautious curiosity in the Fade and seemed only to want to share his knowledge with someone that cared to hear it.
There had been hints she supposes - moments of intense rage - but would she have acted any differently, had someone murdered her friend, or threatened their liberty? He had confessed to Maera that he had done terrible things - he was burdened with immense guilt. Was her soft-spoken, studious artist truly capable of murdering Flemeth? Nothing she had seen hinted at him being the sort of person that would lock away the Creators and rob the elves of their protectors.
"It was my own children that orchestrated my demise." Lani had been sceptical of Flemeth's claim, but now she knew without a doubt - could feel it in her very soul - it was the truth. Had Solas been righteous then, had he punished the Creators for their sin? Yet now he was intent on doing the very same. She sighs in exasperation - perhaps there is no making sense of any of it. Not without more information and it was clear to her - the history passed down by her people was woefully inadequate.
"Are you alright Lani?" She looks up to see Dorian, watching her with great concern and she wills herself to relax.
"Leliana is giving me a hard time," she tells him, smoothing the scowl from her face. "I'm not sure if she ever trusted me completely, but she definitely doesn't now."
"Don't take it to heart," he gently assures her, "it would be more worrisome if our spymaster didn't have trust issues."
Lani scoffs, "Mmmm, you might be right."
"Of course I am," he replies with his trademark smirk, "I thought you knew this by now. Dorian is always right."
"Uh-huh," she drawls, his playful humour settling over her, comforting like a warm blanket. Her eyes begins to sting and she hides her face in her hand.
"Oh Birdie," Dorian pulls her into a tight hug.
"I wasn't going to stop. If not for Cole, I would have killed you," she sobs, overwhelmed by an immense sense of grief - as though she had truly lost him forever.
"If not for Cole, we wouldn't have been in danger in the first place, yes? Besides, I'm not that easily rid of I'm afraid. Just ask my long-suffering parents."
Lani snorts a laugh in spite of her anguish. "How can you be so… fine, with everything?"
"Would you feel better if I shouted at you? Told you to stay away from me and never speak to me again?"
"Maybe? No? I don't know!" She pulls from his embrace, knuckling the tears from her cheeks.
"Lani, you took on a chance on every one of us." He puts his hand to his chest, eyes sparkling with mirth, "A black-hearted, yet unmistakably dashing Tevinter rogue. A dangerous Qunari spy. Blackwall!" He squeezes her shoulders, voice dropping to a soft, sincere murmur. "Blackwall. Need I say more? If anyone ever deserved a second chance, it's you."
His words nearly trigger another bout of weeping, so touched is she by his steadfast friendship. Lani takes a series of deep breaths and gives him a weak smile.
"There is more I could say… More that I should say," Dorian confesses, his features contorted into a shameful grimace. Lani squeezes his arm in return. "Are you…truly better, do you think?"
"I hope so," she admits. It is a relief to speak honestly.
"As do I." His cheeky smirk reappears, "Now did you come here purely to wallow in self-pity?"
"Hmmph, no," her mouth twists sourly. "We need to find a way to incapacitate Nightmare."
"Ah, of course. Well it is a demon in essence, it may simply be a matter of power."
"Even if we can't bind it permanently, we just need to occupy it long enough to free Stroud."
Dorian scowls, "You realise, if we summon it into a binding circle and it breaks free…"
Lani frowns, "We unleash it on the world." That is not a risk worth taking. "What if we did the binding in the Fade?"
Dorian's eyebrows rise and he rubs his chin thoughtfully, "Well, now we are speculating with things that have never before been done."
"We could test it on a lesser demon, make observations on how the Fade interacts with a binding spell. Though I…" she gnaws at her lip.
"What is it?" he prompts in the sudden silence.
Lani shakes her head, "I don't think it will work."
"Why not?"
Lani's memory is alight, sifting through all the battles she fought in the Fade. The feel of them. "Because spell-casting is not actually relevant in the Fade. It is shaped by our intent."
"But we cast spells the last time we were there."
Lani nods, they were physically in the Fade, as opposed to dreaming, but surely the Fade is the Fade regardless of their state of consciousness. Were demons not also physically in the Fade then, always? Or had that changed somehow. Had they changed the nature of the Fade by entering it?
Lani presses her fingers to her temple, she can feel a headache coming on. "How much of that was simply acting out our intentions in a way that was familiar to us? Who's to say we couldn't have simply willed a fireball into existence without all the casting? So to bind Nightmare, it becomes a battle of wills. Our desire to bind it, versus its desire to be free. Theoretically," she shrugs.
"Don't forget, our mages already have a great deal of experience with co-ordinated casting requiring a great deal of focus and power. They did close the Breach after all."
"True. But as you say, we haven't factored in how the Fade could change things. Add to the fact that, it might not just be Nightmare we have to contend with. Opening a rift draws attention - and a large group of mages will assuredly have demons clamouring for a chance to possess them."
Maybe this is a terrible plan, Lani thinks, self-doubt taking hold. Is it not irresponsible to endanger so many people on the hope of rescuing one man?
"Don't be disheartened," Dorian remarks, as though he could read her thoughts, "We've only just started work on the problem. When have we ever failed to find a solution?"
"You're right. Again," she grudgingly admits. Lani yawns suddenly and rubs her exhausted eyes.
"When was the last time you had a good nights sleep?" Dorian clucks at her like a mother hen.
Lani laughs bitterly, "Not since the Fade."
"I'll take this problem to our researchers, you go and get some sleep." He gently nudges her toward the stairs and Lani groans at the prospect of dreaming. "Problem?"
"One that I need to resolve sooner rather than later, I suppose," she sighs wearily. "Thanks Dorian," she murmurs and plods toward the stairs.
The more she thinks about not wanting to sleep, the heavier her eyelids seem to become. It is hard to believe - with so much mayhem and strife - that it has only been two days since she returned from the Fade.
Her sense of unease is compounded, as she passes a pair of elves in the Hall. Their hushed reverence puts her on edge, but at least in one respect she can take gratification. In how wrong Sera had been about her. Their obeisant cowering was no more appealing to her than that of the Andrastians, who had hailed her as the Herald of Andraste.
She attempts to set aside such worries - to clear her mind before sleep, but with every step she takes toward her quarters, she can feel her trepidation growing. Perhaps having a clear goal in mind - such as searching for Stroud - will help. She can only hope.
Stroud, she thinks, as she kicks off her shoes. Where is Warden Stroud? It becomes a chant she murmurs under her breath, as she shucks off her clothes and settles into bed. Lani squeezes her eyes shut, tossing fitfully under the covers and so tense she begins to doubt she will ever manage to fall asleep. Stroud, Stroud, Stroud…
She shivers, goosebumps prickling along her arm, provoked by a feather-light touch. Something tickles her cheek and she pushes her hair back in annoyance. A gust of warm breath caresses her ear and Lani squirms, as fingers trace down her other arm. Other hands join the first, caressing her limbs and hungrily kneading her flesh. A soft mouth trails kisses along her shoulder from behind.
Lani slowly peels her eyes open, her thoughts foggy and confused, as she takes them in. Pairs of eyes peer back at her with ardent intent - red eyes; yellow eyes; grey eyes. Their solid bodies press against her back and side as Solas crawls up her front, trailing kisses over her abdomen. Her pulse pounds in her ears, revelling in the feeling of being cradled and adored.
"What is…" She feebly attempts to form a coherent thought, her limbs weak with desire.
"Shhh, don't think," Flemeth purrs in her ear, claw-like fingers curving around her throat, "just give yourself over."
"Ah!" she trembles and arches into Solas' mouth, as it lands upon her breast; his tongue driving her to distraction. "No, this is-"
"Doesn't it feel good?" Fen'Harel growls, his hand worming between her thighs. "Isn't it everything you want?"
"Yes!" she mewls. His fingers probe her wet, eager sex and she rolls her hips into his touch, aching for more. Flemeth cups her breast, pinching her nipple and Lani cries out - an unbearable, insatiable want flooding her body. Solas' lips close over hers, his tongue thrusting into her mouth. She whimpers against him, longing for them to possess her completely; to smother her body with theirs and fill her in every way imaginable.
"Yes vhenan… let us in," Fen'Harel croons, tongue flicking over his fangs. Beneath the haze of her lust a different sensation is building; a primal instinct, ringing a silent clarion of warning.
She tears away from Solas with a gasp. "This is wrong," she exclaims, trying to hold onto the fleeting clarity.
"Let the dream take you…" Solas urges and it is so hard to resist him; especially when he gazes at her with such tender longing. She takes his face between her hands - this beloved face that makes her heart ache, and her body burn with fury.
Lani shakes her head, trying to clear the fog that muddles her senses. Solas' eyes turn from grey to blazing amethyst, as the illusion falls away to reveal a Desire demon. "Give in Sulahnean, give in." He presses his erection against her and a fresh wave of heat pulses through her body. She takes hold of his horns, torn between pushing him away, and drawing him closer. "Let me fulfil your desires. What harm is there?"
His duplicitous words hit her like a cold shower. "No," she states firmly, shoving him away. He snarls at her, as she scrambles to her feet. The demon pulls himself to his own impressive height, tail lashing angrily behind him.
"Think carefully before you reject me. Think of what I am offering," his taloned hands glide sensuously over his own taut body and a heated blush blooms over Lani's cheeks. "Your days and nights filled with pleasure. I would even allow you to maintain some semblance of control, I am not greedy."
He almost sounds sincere and Lani scoffs, "Oh, how generous of you."
"I am indeed. All I want is for you to be happy," he croons seductively and she can feel the hooks of his desire attempting to worm their way into her mind once again. "I can feel your terrible yearning, how incomplete you feel without them. I can take that pain away - I can replace it with euphoria you've never even dreamed of. Let me give you satisfaction." Though he stands at arms length, his words hit her ear in an intimate whisper, as though he were pressed up against her.
Lani steels her resolve, "It wouldn't be real."
"It will still feel good," he purrs, circling her like a shark.
"It isn't enough."
He bares his teeth, face contorting with rage, "I would give you everything and it is not enough?" He seizes her by the throat and Lani chokes out a wry chuckle.
"You picked the wrong dream," she rasps. Lani recalls her battle with Pride and a calm reassurance falls over her. What did she have to fear from this insignificant demon before her?
"You mortals are all alike," Desire raves, claws digging into her flesh, "You think you have a choice! You were doomed the moment I…" his brow furrows in confusion and pain. "What is…what are you-argh!" Desire's reptilian eyes go wide and he tries to snatch his hand away, but Lani has taken hold of his arm. The mottled skin along his limb blisters and bursts; the fingers at her throat turning grey and sloughing away in curling flakes of ash. "Release me!" he shrieks.
"I will release you," Lani replies mildly. "Let me ease your terrible yearning. I will put an end to your pain and hunger," she purrs mockingly, her hands snapping up to snag his shoulders. Desire thrashes in her grasp and Lani wraps her legs around his waist, pulling him in tight against her. "Give in," she urges, a savage grin lighting her face, "Just give in."
Desire screams and convulses, smoke curling up from his perfect body, as it sizzles and cracks under the onslaught of her attack. He collapses and Lani lands atop him, relentless in her fury. With one last, ear-piercing shriek, Desire bursts into a cloud of embers and ash; his demonic essence curling free. For the briefest moment Lani eyes it, tempted to burn all traces of him to oblivion - but then she remembers that Desire was a spirit once and there was still a chance that something new and good might form from its remains. She watches his essence dissipate into the Fade, praying that she has made the right choice.
Feeling empowered, Lani gathers herself, honing her focus to a single point. Stroud.
To her surprise, a portal immediately opens. She had not expected it to be so easy and she steps through warily. She emerges on the battlements of Adamant, demons swarming all over the fortress; laying waste to the Inquisition forces and any Wardens that rebelled against Clarel's orders. Corypheus' blighted dragon roars overhead, spitting fire on friend and foe alike.
Lani races through the fortress, searching for Stroud. She finds him at last, at the rift where they confronted Clarel. Erimond towers over the grisly setting - not a single Warden mage has escaped, all of them completing the ritual and becoming abominations under Erimond's command. Lani finds her own mangled corpse and those of her companions, strewn about the courtyard. Stroud kneels amongst them, his shoulders bowed in abject defeat.
"You and all your fellow Wardens now serve at the whim of Corypheus!" Erimond crows, victorious. "Blight will rage free and unchecked across Thedas! Only those who bow before his might will be spared! He will usher in a new era - the Imperium will rise again, greater than ever!"
Lani kneels before Stroud, grasping his shoulders, "Stroud, it's not real."
"Inquisitor…" he blinks at her in surprise and then looks to her body in confusion, "but you died, I…"
"It's a dream Stroud, a nightmare. Don't you remember? You stayed behind in the Fade, so we could escape."
A brief flicker of clarity passes over his vision, but then the dream takes him again. "No, I failed. We failed."
"We didn't fail, this isn't how it happened," she tries again to reach him, but it is clear that Nightmare's grip on him is too great. She prays this is the worst of it; what other horrors does Nightmare force him to witness? She has no doubt though, he is alive and she cannot allow him to continue to suffer in this way.
Stroud shakes his head in despair, "The Wardens are lost."
Lani pats his back, as the Warden curls up in anguish. "Just hang in there a little longer Stroud, we're coming for you. I promise."