Amanda's choice

by AmandaYoungFan

For years, she's done the Entity's bidding, thinking somehow, her doing so was also doing the bidding of the man she respected most, John Kramer. But seeing the survivors outside of the trial have made her question if what she's doing is right. What happens to a killer in the realm who no longer has the drive and stomach to do the Entity's bidding? (Feel free to comment)

33. A simple favor

The next few months were largely uneventful. The sun rose and set each day, the survivors lived or died, the killers killed or walked away empty-handed. The trials still went on, Freddy Krueger remained in-line and survivors were content with themselves and with the weird sort of life that had been decided for them.

Game nights continued at least three times a week, and Amanda and Jake found their handful of books often being borrowed by the other survivors to pass the time. In the real world, with computers and internet and cell phones, a book would have been a boring source of entertainment. But some of the survivors had been there for a decade or two like Amanda and Jake had been, and hadn't had books until they came to the realm less than a year ago. Now, they were a hot commodity.

Ash was the most recent survivor to borrow one, and before he left with it he had been lamenting at how groovy it was that simple things such as books and games had become so important, rather than computers and cell phones. After all, he told her, Apple had released a phone (He hadn't been able to afford one himself, he told her, but he'd seen them used by others who could) that connected to the internet, and essentially had become a handheld computer, complete with a variety of apps and games that could be played. Amanda hadn't been too surprised, as the technology had already been knocking at that door even in 2006, but still, it was a shame she'd never get to play with one.

That was an odd thing about the realm, she reasoned. Laurie came from the late 70s, she and Jake from 2006, Ash had been in the real world at least as late as 2018, and she was sure the rest of the group was from varying time frames in the 2000s as well. It was hard for her to believe Ash had lived a further 12 years in the real world, and she was sure he'd seen a lot. He'd witnessed advances in tech that Amanda had never seen. Both times she'd been in the real world prior to the realm, she'd not survived beyond 2006.

After he'd left, she thought about the things Ash had been alive for, and seen. She had smiled to herself, imagining being able to tap Ash's brain about the money-making opportunities that had happened in that 12 years so she could be a non-evil female version of Biff Tannen. Instead of using a racing form from the future to bet on the ponies, she could have asked Ash which companies had grown from the ground-up during that time. One wise investment, such as in Apple in 2006 or 2007, could reap huge benefits long before 2018 rolled around.

Her smile deepened, imagining her and Jake becoming as wealthy as his parents virtually overnight. They wouldn't have needed to, Jake's mending of his relationship with his father and Amanda's acceptance into the Park family had led to Jake's parents unnecessarily doting on them anyway. But it was a curious thought to pass the time, and there was plenty of time for thinking now that every book that Jake had brought with them had been "checked out." Who knew? They might have made enough money to get her Volkswagen gold-plated.

On this particular day, prior to Ash's entrance and exit, she and Jake had started off the morning quietly before the quiet was interrupted again after Ash left, in what Amanda guessed was the early afternoon. Jake being called to a trial took him away. She slipped him a quick kiss as he disappeared. Amanda had waited briefly to see if she'd be joining him, but the fog declined to claim her.

Yes, it was a perfectly ordinary day, the same as all the others, just with a little life-or-death battle thrown in to get the blood pumping. Because of that, neither of them could even begin to guess that by the end of the day, Amanda would commit herself to a simple favor that would grow into a personal game for herself. But very quickly, Amanda's personal game would grow into one that was to very quickly escalate and challenge them both in ways they'd never thought of. The all-seeing Entity, currently viewing the trial that included Jake, had certainly not foreseen what was to be shortly exposed festering in the realm.

After all, it did not bother itself with the unnecessary reading of the minds of its killers and survivors. It was not a voyeur, and such an invasion of the privacy of the beings that served it, and performed for it, would have been unheard of. They were expected to die for it, and give it the sacrificial energy it required to sustain the realm they'd been brought to. Reading their innermost thoughts would be a step too far. Were it not for the special connection it had with the small little human known as Amanda, the dark thoughts and plans that were eventually to be made by one of the other beings that served it may have gone unnoticed forever.

Amanda knew her place with the God. She respected it and never took it for granted. If she felt she had to ask it for anything, it was always something that she hoped would be little to no effort to the Entity to grant, and every time, it had been. If she felt she needed to, or was asked, to do anything that she felt the Entity's permission was required for, she did it every time, no matter how inconsequential it seemed. The Entity paid attention to that, and it pleased it.

It was a sentiment shared by all the survivors and even the killers, even though they did not have a connection such as the one Amanda shared with it. It was not something they had been told to do, they just did it. They all knew their place, and like Amanda, never stepped out of line. Freddy Krueger had tried it, and found out the hard way just how much of a mistake it had been.

Everything was to begin in a matter of moments.

The bright sunshine through the window had called to Amanda, and she dug through the hangers of the cramped closet before landing on a black bikini which she slipped on. She snagged a large towel and stepped out into the sunlight. While she would not gain any more tan than she had before she got here, she found just the mere act of laying in the sun relaxing. Plus, she could lounge under the rays for hours if she wanted to, and never have to worry about a sunburn or skin cancer.

She draped the towel over the hood of the replica Volkswagen, which, despite the sun beating down on it, never got heated like one made of real metal she'd left behind in New York. She glanced through her sunglasses and saw Ace gawking from the dirt path that led to the rows of cabins, but actively chose not to give him the time of day. She supposed his leers were something close to...Flattering? She'd certainly not gotten any when she had been younger and stumbling around in her drug haze. Underweight, unwashed, and with needle tracks in her arms did not exactly scream "sexy." Besides, the sun was calling her and she was just too goddamn lazy to make a fucking fuss and waste time doing it, as she could be called to a trial next. If he did anything more than stare, she'd knock his dick to the dirt.

Sometimes, she felt sorry for Cheryl, who was slowly making the move to being his realm girlfriend. She sometimes unwittingly heard their conversations, since Ace had difficulty mastering the art of speaking quietly. He said all the right things, but based on the way he was currently gawking at her, was obviously a bit of a player. Even though Amanda was married, she knew if she offered to spread her legs for him, Ace would fuck her in a heartbeat. That was not a strong endorsement for relationship material. She hoped he could keep himself in check for Cheryl's sake. Falling for an asshole was not pleasant, Amanda could speak from experience...A lot of experience.

She climbed atop the hood after stretching out the towel over it, Since she had been blessed, or cursed with a lack of height, she'd quickly found that by keeping her legs bent and her bare feet resting on the towel right where the hood began to make the trademark slope downwards, she was comfortable and in no danger of sliding over the curve and falling off the car onto her ass.

It wasn't the most comfortable of lounge chairs, but to her mind, it was safer than laying directly on the grass. Even though she had never seen one...Even though she knew deep down they did not exist here, the one time she'd attempted to just lay on the ground had ended in disaster because she'd been unable to stop worrying that a snake was going to somehow appear and immediately seek her out as a target. She'd decided after that non-relaxing experience to shut her paranoid mind up by keeping herself high above ground on the hood of Fort Volkswagen.

She wasn't sure how long she'd laid there with the rays comfortably warming her skin, but it was long enough that she was lightly dozing. A hesitant voice spoke her name and pulled her back to complete consciousness. "Amanda?"

She turned her head to the sound, and was surprised to see an anxious-looking Claudette standing before her. "Oh, hi. You need to borrow a book or something?" Hopefully it could wait until she'd got her fix of the sun's warmth.

Claudette shook her head. "I came...I guess, to ask you for some advice. I didn't know anyone else I could go to in the camp with this particular question. You are literally the only one I could ask." Claudette's right fist was tightly balled, and she opened it and passed Amanda a very worn and dirty scrap of paper.

Amanda spread the crumpled ball of paper out so she could and to her surprise, there was a note scrawled on it. It hadn't been written in ink, so the words were a bit scraggly, but decipherable. "WANT TO TALK MEET ME AT BORDER TOMORROW NIGHT? JOEY."

Amanda turned her head to look at Claudette through the dark lenses of her sunglasses. "Joey? Who the fuck is Joey?"

Claudette looked around nervously. "He's one of the four that are in the group of Legion killers."

Amanda waved the note in her hand. "And he passed you this? Why? Did he give it to you in a trial?"

Claudette nodded again. "I've faced him when he was the chosen killer a number of times in the trials over the past few months, and he hasn't killed me once. He hasn't even attacked me. If he sees me at a generator, he just walks by. When it's down to me and him in the trials, he lets me wander the whole map until I find the hatch. The trial we did before this last one when he gave me the note, he actually motioned for me to follow and lead me right to it. He always lets me have that hatch when he's killed the rest of my teammates, which happens a lot because Legion are just really darn good at killing."

Amanda passed Claudette the note back. Claudette said, "The last trial we had last night, his heart didn't seem to really be in it. I think he hooked my teammates two times. After the generators were all started, he waved for me to follow him, and took me right to an exit gate, and then he opened it himself. Then he pressed that note into my hand and stood there as I walked past him and escaped. When I read the note after, I was pretty confused, as you can imagine."

Amanda turned her face back to the sun. "So what sort of advice do you want from me? What can I tell you that, say, Feng, or Nea, or even Ash can't?"

Claudette quietly replied, "Well you were a killer once. I was wondering if you had any insight as to whether or not I can trust him, or if this is some sort of a set-up for something. Obviously you stopped doing it, is it possible that he wants to stop too? Because of me?"

For the first time in over two decades, Amanda's heart started racing in fear while not in a trial, and a sudden rush of anxious butterflies gnawed at the pit of her stomach. Of all the survivors who had been in on the secret, the only ones left at the camp who knew were Ash and Jane. She knew that Ash and Jane wouldn't have dropped that tidbit of information to Claudette in parlor conversation or otherwise, so how the fuck had Claudette found out?

Amanda, a master of her poker face, decided to play it off. She broke into a grin and said, "I know I can be a bitch sometimes, but I didn't think it was so bad that anyone could think I was a killer."

Claudette's expression told Amanda she'd been prepared for that type of response, and wasn't buying it. She spoke quickly. "So far, I'm the only one who's picked up on it. I probably will be the only one, no one is as attentive as me. But it was a logical conclusion. The Pig used to be a short woman. After you arrived in the camp, the Pig became a man who is probably around six feet tall, if not taller. When you said you were going to be communicating to us for the Entity, it only made me more sure that you had once been the Pig, and having been in that role, and making the switch, was the actual reason why the Entity picked you to do it."

Amanda turned her head back to face Claudette again. She felt like gawking. Claudette had nailed it completely. So...She knew. Amanda didn't feel like pleading her defense. She simply stared at Claudette and waited for her to make the next move.

Claudette shifted herself closer to Amanda and said quickly and quietly, "I'm not like, going to expose you or anything. You've been nothing but good since you came here. I know you're entirely one of us now, and sometimes it's reassuring to know that one of the people looking out for me was once on the other side, because I know you sometimes use that experience against them. I've seen the way you look at them in a trial, and I know that even though they're more powerful than you, some of them are even wary of you."

"The bitch is strong in me," Amanda muttered with a slight smile.

Claudette glanced around again, "Since you obviously didn't want to kill anymore, I'm assuming partly because you liked, and then fell in love with, Jake, and since you willingly came to us and now fight to keep us alive and sometimes even die trying to save us...Do you think that maybe this Joey guy feels the same way you did? Could he be trying to break the pattern, like you were eventually able to?"

She shrugged, honestly unsure. "I don't know him. But I suppose it's possible. I don't know what he was like before the realm, but I was a bitch and managed to see the error of my ways after awhile, so I suppose after all this time, another could feel the same way I eventually ended up feeling. I know where I was mentally when I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I can't read his mind, so I don't know if he's in the same place that I was, but he would have known it was a huge risk giving you that note, and he did it anyway. If you're leading up to asking me if it's safe to meet with him, it is. Even if all this is just some elaborate excuse just to get you alone to try to hurt you, which I don't really think it is...There's a lattice type fence that will come between you if he tries to cross the border into our part of the realm and attack you. You won't see it, but it will be there."

Claudette looked nervous again. "If I go tonight...Would you be willing to come with me? If his mask is off, you might be able to read his face and tell me if you see anything that looks suspicious. Besides, I know...At least if the other parts of the things you told about us are true...That you've been played by guys and so you're going to be able to smell any bull crap long before I would be able to. I'm kind of foolish in a way. I try to see the good in everyone, even in the worst of the killers we face. You're much more cynical than I am, and I know you'll see things that I'd miss."

"My entire dating and relationship life before Jake was made up up abusers, assholes, users, or abusive asshole users. That's a fact. And yes, I can smell bullshit from a mile away."

Amanda lapsed into silence. She didn't really want to play chaperone, but she could see Claudette was a mix of emotions. Scared, confused, and curious. When Amanda had been in Joey's shoes, the survivors had come to her and listened to her story before she'd crossed over to a survivor herself. Thy listened to her and gave her the benefit of the doubt. The handful that she'd told sworn themselves to secrecy so her sudden arrival was viewed with no suspicion whatsoever. She supposed in a way that this would be an opportunity to give back. She'd be helping lay the groundwork for a killer-survivor border meeting the same way Ash had done.

But before she agreed, she was definitely going to make sure it was okay with a certain, powerful someone, because this was definitely out of bounds of the normal pattern of the realm.

"I'll go..." Amanda told her. Claudette's face started to show relief and Amanda held up a hand and continued, "...If the Entity allows it. It's done a lot for me, and I respect its help. It allowed me to come here, but just because it did it for me, it doesn't mean it's a blanket approval for every killer to suddenly just switch sides. I owe it for what it's done, and I need to have its approval. So if it agrees to let me participate, I will. The good news is, there's no way the Entity doesn't already know what Joey is doing. It pegged my own actions right from the beginning. The fact that it hasn't appeared to do anything so far is encouraging, but again, I don't feel comfortable at all doing something like this behind its back. It deserves far better than that."

Claudette's relieved smile faltered slightly, but she nodded in understanding. "Can I ask you another question?" Amanda shifted slightly on the hood, and pulled her sunglasses down. With a slight smile, she said, "Based on Joey's height, I'd say his cock is definitely above average, so you won't be disappointed, I'm sure."

Claudette paused for a moment, then blushed and let out a nervous giggle. She said, "No, that was NOT what I was going to ask your opinion of...Do you really think it is?" Claudette paused, physically shook her head to get back on track and said, "I'm just curious...Since obviously you didn't come to the realm the way you told us...How DID you get here?"

Amanda had told the story enough that there was little hesitation at being asked to tell it again. "I used to be a drug addict. A man found me, a man who some would classify as a serial killer. He made traps for people, traps that tested them, made them fight for their lives. You remember the traps I used to carry?" Claudette nodded. "He kidnapped me. He put one of those on my head, and I had to get it off before it snapped, or it would kill me. I did."

Amanda stared into the cluster of trees over Claudette's shoulder, lost in the former memories. "I had a shitty childhood. I mean awful. It made me feel like garbage, a feeling I retained even after I grew up. I spent about 10 years wondering if daddy was going to beat me, or beat mom, or beat both of us pretty much every night from when I was six until I was about 17."

Amanda sighed. "I would worry if the bruises would be visible, or if he'd break the arm I use the most and I'd have to write with my left hand. It wasn't quite what it's like now in the real world, and if any of my teachers or any of mom's friends suspected he was being abusive, they didn't do a fucking thing about it. When you're six, and you're bruised or on your second cast and no one shows any concern, you start to think it's okay that he does it, and so I never thought about saying anything, I just sat at home and worried and tried to do everything i could to not be "naughty," and be "punished."

"The only...And I really mean this...ONLY good thing was that he didn't abuse me sexually as well. Because the physical abuse alone was enough to fuck me up for most of my life. Before I got on drugs, I ended up being in a number of relationships with controlling guys who weren't afraid to use their hands or fists to make a point. The only reason I got out of them was because they dumped me. Can you believe that? I'd have stayed their and just took it because even though Mom made it a point to let me know it was wrong, there was still a major part of me that believed it was somehow right."

Claudette said, sincerely," I'm so sorry."

"The man who tested me," Amanda continued, "His name was John. He had terminal cancer. He came to me and asked me to join him. To take over for him when he died. He was the first person in my life, other than my mother, who had believed in me, and believed I was meant for so much more. I joined him. He became my mentor. And since my dad was hardly what could be called a father, John filled up that void too. I've loved three people in my life. The first was my mother, and of course I love Jake more than anyone, but the third person I loved was John, no matter how fucked-up that sounds."

Amanda dabbed at the tears that sprung to her eyes. "I did well at first, but my psychological problems got in my way, and I started losing faith in John and what his mission was. After all, I'd been tested, I'd won. That should have fixed everything, right? That's what I fucking believed. John wasn't a fucking mind reader, so he didn't pick up on the fact that despite breaking me of my drug addiction, I was still really fucked up, and so everything just festered and festered until he tested me again. I killed someone, I failed, and I got killed myself for doing it. That was when the Entity pulled me through the fog to bring me here."

She started weeping harder. "Fuck..." Amanda sniffled. "When...When the Entity sent me back...It gave me a chance to right that particular wrong, and I did, and I survived, but it hasn't made up for everything I've done, and that's part of why I enjoy facing the pain and the death of the trials. I enjoy trying to save someone else if it means I get killed in the process, because I feel that every time I die, it's payback for what I did that I wasn't punished for."

"When I first came to the realm...I had a shitload of leftover trauma for several years. It fueled me." She looked at Claudette's eyes with her own tear-filled ones. "You understand? I did what I did when I died because I believed that John didn't fix me. I felt if he didn't fix me, he'd never fix anyone else. When I first came here, I thought you were the same. I thought you needed to be killed. But after a long time, I saw the way you worked together. Then I happened to get close enough to the border of my realm and see you at the fire. I saw you weren't who I let myself believe you were. I realized that you didn't deserve what I did to you, and I had to stop."

Amanda's tears increased. "And then...Jake came to me, and he made me feel things I didn't know I could feel anymore. Even before he did, I was at the point where I couldn't hurt you anymore, but I didn't know what would happen to me if I stopped, so I kept going. I planned to only do what I thought would be enough to keep me from being banished by the Entity to death. But after Jake came, I knew I couldn't even do that. Thankfully, the Entity gave me a choice, and I made it. I came here because I couldn't be a killer anymore, and because it let me come."

Amanda dabbed at her eyes. "FUCK I hate crying, yet it seems sometimes it's all I fucking do. If anyone besides Jake saw me as regularly as he does, they'd stuff me with pills or throw me in a psych ward." She sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "Even though I've worked through a lot of my issues thanks to Jake, I'm still an emotional train wreck far more than I'd like to be." She sighed. "I'm never going to make up for all the time I spent being a horrible bitch, but I'm trying, everyday. I've been given several chances, and the first one, maybe the first two, I know didn't deserve. The other times, I hope I did what I needed to do to earn them. It's why I'm so grateful and respectful of the Entity, because I wouldn't be here without it. As much as I've done to improve myself...It's saved me from death more than once. It deserves a lot of the credit."

She met Claudette's eyes with her own red ones. "Now that the truth is out there, I'm sorry, officially, for all the fucking shit I did you you when I was the Pig. It was shit you didn't deserve, and while I'm not that person anymore, it doesn't change the fact that I once fucking was, and I fucking did it to you."

Claudette hugged her. She whispered, "Apology accepted...Evil killer forgiven." Amanda let out a laugh that was mixed with a sob.

A voice behind them said, "Everything okay?" Claudette released her and turned as Amanda looked past her and saw Jake returning from the trial. It looked as though he'd survived.

"Yes, it's fine. Just fine," Amanda told him, but she still felt like her emotions were swirling and that if she didn't fight to keep them in check, she'd curl into a ball and start crying again. She supposed her frequent emotional outbursts were far healthier than keeping it all bottled inside. She'd done it with John and it killed her. If she did it with Jake, it would also end poorly. And really, there was no reason to bottle things up around him. Jake had the patience of Job. No matter how often he ended up comforting her, he was always ready to do so again at the drop of a hat, even if he had to comfort her and help her get over the same things, the same guilt. again and again.

And suddenly her mind was once again back to her hero worship of Jake. How in the fuck did the Entity bring the most patient and understanding man in the world to the realm, then let her meet him? For the millionth time she thanked her lucky stars that he'd fallen in love with her, because she couldn't think of anyone else who could even come close to tolerating her emotional bullshit as much as Jake did. Not once had he ever lost his patience with her or shook her and told her they'd been "over this and over this," and asked "why didn't she get it?"

She really needed to fuck him even more. She rarely, if ever, had an emotional outburst during sex, and lordy, he'd more than earned it. If she could just spend every minute of every day fucking him, she may never have to cry again. She was already well into the realm of porn star with the frequency she wanted Jake to have her body. When you factored in how patient and good he was to her...She needed to make the jump to nympho for him.

Claudette snapped her back to reality and said, "Let me know, ok? About tonight?" Amanda nodded.

Claudette gave Jake a wave and departed. Jake, of course, immediately saw her red puffy eyes and knew when she was forcing herself to not emotionally fold. After all, he was fast approaching 25 years of experience. In three centuries, he'd be a total pro. "Are you really alright?" He put his arms around her, as he always did and she buried herself in his comfort for the upteenth time.

"Claudette guessed. She guessed I was once the Pig, and I didn't lie to her. She asked me about how I got here since obviously she knew my cover story was a lie, and you know how talking about the past, and the horrible fucking things I did then make my emotions go all over the place. I mean, it's hard to talk about why you're a murderous bitch while staring in the face of one of the people you murdered for three years...But she said she's not gonna tell and that she forgives me. God, hearing her say she forgives me after what I did to her, even if it was a long time ago, is hard to believe."

She felt Jake's head rub her cheek as he nodded. "But we do. She and I and everyone who knows about who you were forgives you for it. We really do. We forgive you by what you've done for all this time to earn it. Look at how far you've come. Look at how different you are. I know the past and the way it makes you feel will probably always be ready to put you in a state like the one you are now, but you aren't that person anymore, and never will be again. If you ever think for even a minute about leaving me and going back to Gideon, I'll fart in your face."

Amanda finally giggled. It was not the first time he'd told her that, well, minus the fart threat. And just like every other time he'd said it, he was again right. She was trying to get herself to being totally convinced. If she kept working at being Amanda Park, she felt like in maybe a thousand years or so, she'd finally get there, and then there would only be maybe 50 to 100 self-doubts to go.

"So what did she mean about tonight? You and Claudette have a hot date? Should I be in on this?" Jake was grinning at her.

Amanda rose off the hood of the car and collected her towel. "I don't...But Claudette might. I'll give you all the details...Right after I make a mind call to you know who. What she wants me to do is definitely something I need to run by it first."

Jake looked at her briefly, and of course knew who she was seeking on the other end of the line. He nodded, and followed her into the cabin.