This chapter was brought to you by the FBI: Remember kids, don't lewd the lolis.
Chapter 32: Everyone Needs a Safety Wolf
Despite the looming crisis, Winterfell found time to deck itself in the festive colors of autumn, with wreaths of harvested grain and squash set on the walls, colorful hangings in red and golden brown, and banners decked with the last flowers before the coming winter. Guards and servants had on festive finery for the coming weddings, and the kitchens had been working overtime in a manner that would satisfy even Komekko, churning out lavish puddings, entire roast cows and pigs, warm bread, and fruits and vegetables that had been freshly harvested.
The nobility of the North had set aside their boiled leathers and armor plate for fine wools and imported linen and silk in an array of bright colors, while Catelyn Stark was dressed in a fine grey silk gown. Megumin's dress had needed to be sewn and adjusted in haste, but was still fine with lacework in bright yellow and soft grey. Not that this pleased its wearer in the slightest.
"Do I seriously have to wear a dress?" Megumin demanded of her mother. "Is Darkness wearing a dress? Because I'm her squire. And if SHE'S not wearing a dress, neither am I."
"Lady Tyrell will be wearing a dress," Catelyn ground out, trying very hard not to strangle her daughter on her own wedding day. "But no matter what she does, my daughter will be wearing a proper wedding dress when she is wed to the King of the Seven Kingdoms."
"Come on Megumin, they're really pretty!" Yunyun encouraged, already dressed in her own grey gown. "Yours is all white with silver! You'll look like a queen!"
"Fine. But I'm wearing Chunchumaru," Megumin grumbled. The look her mother gave her, however, told Megumin just how unlikely that was.
It turned out, however, that Megumin would indeed get to wear her sword, as her father sent word that she was allowed to bear her blade, since she was being wed in a time of war and the sword represented the might of the North that was to be pledged to her lord husband. Megumin had absolutely no intention of giving up said sword to Kazuma, even if he was still better than her, if not by much.
Megumin was at last considered properly prepared in her new silken gown, along with the great white cloak with the image of a silver direwolf on it. She fingered the edge of the cloak, and for the first time, realized she wouldn't be a Stark after this. That felt strange, especially since she wasn't going to give up Chomusuke. Would she really be all that different? She didn't really know, but suddenly she was nervous.
The other bride of the day, on the other hand, was anything but. Darkness was in a white and yellow gown, her hair done up in a fancy braid that was wrapped on top of her head. She was giddy with eagerness, a manic grin on her face as her grandmother hissed warnings to calm down before she popped out of her dress from her nervous movement.
Megumin glared at Darkness, then looked forlornly at her own bodice. She still looked like a girl, which wasn't fair. Darkness was only three years older than her, and Yunyun looked like more of a woman too and she was only three minutes older. Well. She wasn't going to let that stop her. Megumin would drink plenty of milk, and someday she would be six feet tall, have rock hard abs, and a rack befitting the stag she was to become.
Waiting for Megumin at the end of the hall was her father, dressed in his finest black velvet and fur with Ice on his back. There were tears in his eyes, Megumin realized as she took his hand, and he bent slightly to kiss the top of her head. "You look lovely, Megumin. Every inch a bride."
"Thanks, dad," Megumin said, giving her father a quick hug.
They all paraded out to the godswood, where the assembled lords and ladies of the North waited, dressed in their own finery. The godswood seemed to be celebrating the wedding itself: it had blossomed with a little help from Chomusuke and her siblings. The scent of wildflowers gave the woods a sweet ambiance. On the other side of the weirwood stood Kazuma and his party, composed of his mother, his uncles, the Kingsguard, and Myrcella and Tommen. Robb was there as well, dressed in clothes similar to his father's, though with a red fox pelt to compliment his own red hair instead of the black marten fur of his father.
And at the foot of the weirwood tree stood Cecily, dressed in her formal Septa's robes, along with five direwolves. She grinned and winked at Megumin, somewhat ruining the formality of the occasion, but that was to be expected.
"Dearly Beloved," Cecily began, "We are gathered here today to-"
She paused, as Cersei Lannsiter was glaring at her for the rather non-traditional start to the wedding. "What? Look, it was that, or 'Mawwige is what bwings us together.' You have no idea how much the Goddesses have been bugging me about that for the past twelve hours."
Cersei seemed taken aback at that, and several of the northern lords rather baffled as they were unaware of Cecily's unique status. With Cersei sufficiently cowed by mention of the goddesses, Cecily coughed and began again. "We are gathered this day, in the sight of Goddesses Old and New, to join together three houses and two couples in holy matrimony. For these maids are to leave the protection of their fathers' houses, and to be taken in by their new husbands."
Eddard slowly walked Megumin forward as Olenna did the same for Darkness. A bit of Megumin's nervousness fled when she saw how worried Kazuma looked, and she smiled at him to reassure both of them. This was fine, Kazuma was her best friend, and it wasn't so bad thinking about being around him all the time. She did that anyway. Plus, they were all going south to win back the Iron Throne. It wasn't goodbye yet.
"I give to you my daughter, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood," Eddard told Kazuma, gently removing the Stark cloak from her shoulders. "I pray you will treasure her as greatly as I have, and ward her against all evil."
Cecily nodded, eyeing both brides. "Women, do you accept this man as your lord husband?"
"Yes," Megumin said. "I pledge myself to his house, to be his wife, and bear his children, to tend his hurts, and be his shield in battle."
She added the last bit herself, but Darkness quickly added that to her own pledge, so she figured it was alright. Her mother looked a bit mortified, but most of the Northerners bared their teeth in fierce approval, Dacey and Lyanna Mormont even raising fists in solidarity.
"Men, do you accept these maids?" Cecily asked gravely.
Kazuma nodded and swallowed. "I accept this maid, Megumin of the House of Stark, in the sight of Goddesses Old and New, to be my bride, to protect and succor, to guard against all foes, and to by my queen as we govern the realm."
That had Megumin beaming happily, as Kazuma had made his own special addition. Robb's sounded a bit different too, and had several people looking scandalized, but Megumin hadn't been paying enough attention to know what he'd said. Darkness, however, looked thrilled. She was even drooling slightly. Olenna took out a flask from her sleeve and took a long swing.
It felt a bit odd to have Kazuma drape the yellow cloak about her shoulders, but it was pretty nice, and Megumin always approved of capes. Then, of course, Kazuma took out his eye patch at the same time Megumin got out hers. Both of them struck a dramatic pose together, their swords thrust Skyward.
"BEHOLD! WE ARE KAZUMA AND MEGUMIN BARATHEON, RULES OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS, BLESSED OF THE GODDESSES, AND BEARS OF DARK AND TERRIBLE POWERS! TOGETHER, WE SHALL RECLAIM THE IRON THRONE, AND BRING JUSTICE TO THE LAND!"
Megumin grinned at Kazuma as their wedding guests laughed and clapped. Really, if she was going to have to marry someone, it was a good thing it was him.
Far away and right next to them, Aqua was bawling her eyes out as she watched the TV in her apartment. Eris was handing her boxes of tissues, and there were cartons of half eaten ice cream nearby on the couch.
"You've seen them get married dozens of times before, Aqua," Eris sniffed, knowing how hypocritical it sounded, since she was dabbing at her own eyes. "There's no need to cry about it."
"I can't help it, they're just so cute this time!" Aqua wailed, loudly blowing her nose into the fistful of tissues she had. "A-and Darkness found someone too! It's always so hard making sure she's happy, but she's found a man that will both love her and really abuse her this time!"
Eris glanced back at the TV, where Robb and Darkness were playing some rather aggressive tongue hockey. She was a few inches taller than Robb still, and Eris resolved to make sure that boy got another growth spurt. He was supposed to wind up at about an inch taller than Darkness, but Eris figured no one would complain if she made it a little bit more.
"They do look pretty cute together," Eris admitted. "I did like the plot twist where he became a werewolf."
"N-now we just need to find someone for Yunyun," Aqua blubbered, reaching for her carton of Blue Raspberry Bubble Gum Supreme ice cream and shoveling some into her mouth. "Chris too, it's so sad how she never ends up with any one!"
Eris's eyes went wide. "What!? You are not playing matchmaker for my daughter, Aqua! She's going to end up with a nice boy, and get filthy rich!"
Aqua stopped her blubbering, a bit of ice cream dripping off her spoon onto her blue tracksuit (Kazuma having converted her to the comfy side).
"Wait, daughter? Chris is your daughter? You mean...you mean you've had a kid for thousands of years?! That's it, I'm kicking you out of the Maiden Goddess Club!"
"What?! No, Chris was me, you dummy! Did you never figure that out?! Chris was my avatar that I went down to hang out with the gang with, just like you and 'Mizu.'"
"Oh. Wait, but Madoka said you were at the Girls Night with her and the others." Aqua gasped, dropping her ice cream as her hands flew to her face. "Eris! Were you messing around with Time again!? You know we're not supposed to do that!"
"No, I just... Look. Chris has sort of been my alternate persona for thousands of years, and I kind of got more and more invested in role-playing as her, and then, I started wondering if I could maybe send her down with the others, and the next thing I knew, I had gotten Ashara Dayne pregnant!"
Aqua blinked at Eris, then frowned at her crotch, which made Eris blush and cross her legs, though she too was dressed in tracksuit, hers being black and silver.
"Did you... become a guy when I wasn't looking? Because we're supposed to be the Seven Goddesses, not the Six Goddesses and One God."
"No! I - just, look. You know how it is when we put the souls of reincarnation into their parents bodies?" Eris demanded.
Aqua nodded, her forehead wrinkling in thought. "Yeah."
"Well, I sort of did a 48c on top of that," Eris admitted.
"Oooooh, so it's an immaculate conception thing," Aqua said, nodding in understanding. "So you're still a maiden, you just also have a daughter."
"Yes! But, look, you can't tell ANYONE about this, OK? I want Chris's life to be normal, I don't need her to have half a dozen manic aunties showing up and making her life all weird and mystical," Eris ordered.
"Oh. Um, kinda too late for that," Aqua admitted. Eris looked at her, aghast, and Aqua held up her phone, which she'd been furiously texting on one handed.
"Oh no," Eris moaned.
There was a loud popping sound, and Hestia appeared in Aqua's living room. It was technically totally against regulations to appear in another goddess' domain directly, but Aqua had never been big on those, and Hestia was clearly excited. "I just put the baby down, you have a KID, Eris!? Since when? This is great!"
Before Eris could explain, Ristarte burst through the door (having slightly more decorum than Hestia, but not by much) with Seiya right behind her carrying a cake.
"We just got the news! Congratulations! It's a girl, right? I can change the frosting color if it's not," Ristarte babbled, wrapping Eris in a hug. "This is so wonderful! When can Chris come over to play with our kids?!"
"I, look, this isn't-" Eris was once more interrupted, and at that point she gave up as Madoka, Athena, Satella, and even Holo and Nyarko-san all arrived and began loudly congratulating her.
"Sorry, Chris," Eris muttered. "It was going to happen eventually anyway…"
Back on Planetos, the wedding ceremony was over, and the feast had begun. Kazuma was sitting beside Megumin, both of them blushing slightly and awkwardly smiling at all the compliments they were getting from their guests. As they were in the North, the traditional bird pie was forgone in favor of a variety of pies, most of them savory with various meats in them. Thankfully, no one was serving Frey Pie in this reality, as they had thus far managed to behave themselves.
Megumin made a point of drinking several glasses of milk and eating plenty of food. She typically had a healthy appetite, but she really tucked it away now, desperately trying to match Darkness and Brienne in their calorie consumption. What she didn't consider was that both Darkness and Brienne were both older and far larger, so Megumin mostly succeeded in making herself sick. She sat in her chair, moaning softly as she watched Darkness devour an entire plate of oysters brought from White Harbor.
"You OK?" Kazuma asked, leaning over to her. "I, um, I'm a little nervous, but it's like your dad said. We're just sleeping in the same bed. Not anything else."
"Huh? Oh, no, I just ate too much," Megumin admitted. "Why would I worry about sleeping in the same bed as you? I shared a bed with my sisters all the time."
Kazuma opened his mouth, but Megumin added, "Plus, Chomusuke will be there, and I'll have Chunchumaru, so if you try anything it will be the last thing you do."
Next to Kazuma, his mother choked on her food. Cersei looked up at Megumin, and for a moment she thought the queen, or wait, wasn't that her now? Was going to kill her. Only Cersei started laughing.
"Perhaps I should have had a wolf or a sword on my own wedding night, my daughter. My late Lord husband might have been better behaved then."
Kazuma went red, but Megumin nodded. "I heard about Kazuma's dad dishonoring you. Well, I have an insurance policy." Megumin took out Chunchumari and laid it across the table, giving Kazuma a vicious grin. "You know I am perfectly capable of using this, right?"
Several Northern lords and ladies roared with laughter at the obvious warning, and their hilarity only increased when Kazuma turned faintly green himself and nodded.
"Yeah. Don't worry. I'm not going to be like my dad."
"Good. I sort of like you, so I'd hate to have to kill you," Megumin said sweetly. Her own parents looked torn between mortification and relief at their daughter's obvious willingness to assert her own rights.
As the evening wore on, Robb and Darkness were increasingly draped over one another, with Darkness putting Robb's hands in increasingly inappropriate places, and Robb growing ever more excited.
For their part, both Megumin and Kazuma were suitably horrified. "We're not going to be like that, right?" Megumin asked, somewhat reevaluating her idolization of Darkness.
"If we are, you have my permission to use Chunchumaru to kill me, because that's gross," Kazuma declared, making a face.
"You might not think so in three or four more years, nephew," Tyrion chuckled. "By then, we expect you to take more pleasure in your lady's company."
"I already like hanging out with Megumin, but I'm not going to slobber all over her," Kazuma said loudly as Robb was nipping at Darkness's neck.
"Well, some of us are going to have a proper wedding night!" Robb suddenly declared. He jerked up, pulling a squealing Darkness out of her chair and throwing her over his shoulder.
"Oh! Oh! This vicious, brutal man is going to take me away and use me to satisfy his most basal desires!" Darkness cried, her face flushed and eager. "No, go faster! And don't forget the ropes and chains!"
That resulted in Robb departing to several ribald suggestions from the guests. A few tried to form a bedding party, until Grey Wind grew to approximately the size of a small mammoth and let out a low, rumbling growl. At which point, everyone realized they had pressing business elsewhere. Eddard raised a tankard to Grey Wind in gratitude, and the wolf nodded, shrinking and slinking after his master. Unlike Chomusuke, he spent the night outside of the marriage chamber, and made certain no one else thought of going anywhere near it.
As for Kazuma and Megumin, once their eyelids began to droop, Cersei, Eddard, and Catelyn took them to the prepared bed chamber. For this night only, they would be required to share a bed, after which they would be kept separate until they came of age. It was a bit odd to hug each of their parents goodnight, but Kazuma for his part seemed a bit choked up when Eddard called him "son." Megumin was dutiful in giving Cersei a chaste kiss, but she was quite certain Catelyn was the only mother she ever wanted or needed.
Once alone, except for their safety wolf, Kazuma and Megumin awkwardly got changed, then moved into the large bed.
"So, um, I guess we're married now," Kazum said, blushing slightly as he glanced over at Megumin.
"Yes. But don't think this changes anything. You're still a pervert and a NEET," Megumin huffed. Then she blushed. "And, um, I do love you. I think."
"I think I love you too, you crazy chunni girl."
Slowly, the two of linked hands, and found that they were drawing closer together, their mouths opening slightly.
Which was when Chomusuke promptly inserted herself between them, nipping at Kazuma's fingers until he let out a yelp and let go of Megumin's hand.
"Ow! I wasn't going to do anything!" Kazuma protested.
Chomusuke didn't even dignify that with a response, but as she was currently the size of a grown wolf, which isn't small, look it up, she made a very effective barrier. However, Kazuma and Megumin did both end up snuggling up to Chomusuke, and fell asleep with their minder before long.
And thus was Kazuma's claim to the throne secure. His would go down as the most chuunibyou reign in history. Along with a few other things.
Cast of Characters
Chomusuke as: The Safety Wolf.
Kazuma as: Chomusuke is watching you, pal.
Megumin as: Chuuni Queen of Westeros
Darkness as: [Censored]
Robb as: Well, at least he managed to be stupid in a smart way.
and
Yunyun as: Wait, what?
The Crimson Wedding: An Alternate Westerosi History
Groaning, Yunyun blinked her eyes open, looking around and blinking. The world was swaying slightly, with the clop of hooves on stone. She looked around and found a dirty, skinny, dark haired youth looking at her wide eyed amist sacks and casks in the back of a cart.
"Um, hello," Yunyun managed, sitting up. "Who are you?"
"Shhhh. I don't know who you are, but we're almost to the Twins," the girl hissed. "Don't say a word."
"The Twins?" Yunyun smiled brightly. "Oh, I went there once. I didn't have time to meet many of the Freys, but a lot of them seemed nice."
"Shut up, boy," Sandor's voice growled.
Yunyun let out a cry and jumped up, wrapping Sandor in a hug. "You're OK! Oh, I felt so bad when you got left behind! How'd you escape from Stannis in King's Landing?"
The Hound spun, fury in his eyes. "Who are you, girl? Arry, what did you do? You're going to get us killed!"
Yunyun jerked back, feelling wounded that her friend was being so rude. "Um, Mr. Hound, you remember me, right? Yunyun Stark?"
"What? Stark?" the "boy" said, but Yunyun was pretty sure they were actually a girl.
"Shut up!" Sandor ordered, and Yunyun sank back. She looked around and saw they were surrounded by soldiers.
"Starks?" one of the men growled. "Who is that girl?"
"She's got to be Arya Stark!" someone shouted. "Grab her! They're nearly ready to kill Robb Stark and his bitch mother!"
Yunyun felt her blood run cold. She didn't know who this Arya was, but if she was a Stark, she was her friend. As for the young wolf... overhead, clouds began to form, and thunder rumbled.
"Are you going to hurt Robb?" Yunyun growled as the soldiers advanced.
"We're going to skin him and his wolf alive!" a man in a Frey uniform laughed.
Rough hands reached for Yunyun as Sandor swore and drew his sword, only for a gust of wind to blast down from the heavens, staggering the men and making them fall back.
"You. You're going to kill my mother? And Robb?!" Yunyun roared as lightning began to flash and crackle and the wind rage and howl. The men around her cringed as her eyes began to blaze red, glowing in the dim light.
"We'll kill you too, bitch!" a braver and stupider Frey soldier snarled, and raised his sword.
A curtain of lightning slammed down around the cart, slaying each of the Frey men.
"YOU WILL NOT HURT MY FAMILY!" Yunyun screamed. She turned to Sandor, who was gaping at her in terror. "Come on, Mr. Hound. We're going to rescue my friends and family."
"Yes!" the dirty girl snarled, picking up a sword from one of the smoking corpses and racing after Yunyun.
Inside the Great Hall of the Twins, the Rains of Castamere began to play, and Catelyn was just about to scream in panic when the barred doors suddenly blew clean off their hinges, shattering into splinters as they slammed downward. Every head in the hall swung to see a tall man with a greatsword standing nervously behind a girl with glowing red eyes, followed by a scrawny child with a blackened blade.
"You," Yunyun snarled, pointing to Walder Frey. "This isn't a battle! This is a feast! These people have eaten your meat and mead! You would betray them!?"
Walder half fell out of his chair, but managed to cry, "Kill them! Now! Before-"
He never said another word, as Yunyun pointed a finger at him and snarled, "Consuming Vortex!" Walder Frey and the rest of the Frey's at the high table were sucked into a small black hole, and were never seen again.
In a panic, the men above the galley grabbed their crossbows, pointing them at Yunyun. The last thing they heard was "LIGHT OF SABER!" before they were reduced to so much ash.
By this point, everyone had realized something was wrong. Catelyn was screaming as Roose Bolton tried to stab her. A Magic Dart took his head clean off. Robb was struggling against several men in mail and fur cloaks, but jumped back just as two fireballs enveloped his attackers.
In the end, the Loyalist Northmen suffered only minor losses, as Crimson Death stalked the Great Hall. Lightning flickered and flashed, ice spread, and fire consumed any who would DARE harm Yunyun's friends.
The Northern Lords stood staring in shock at this slip of a girl who had not only revealed Walder Frey's treachery, but had just killed dozens of well armed men with no more than gestures. They were further astonished when that girl, along with a dirty youth they soon recognized as Ayra Stark, ran over and embraced Catelyn, weeping.
"I'm so sorry mom!" Yunyun wept. "I just...I got so angry! They were going to hurt you, and I couldn't stop myself! I know you don't like magic, but-"
"Peace, child. You...you saved us all," Catelyn managed, feeling a strange connection to this girl as she smoothed hair from her forehead. "And you returned Arya to me. Thank you."
Outside, there was a sudden howl, and the sounds of fighting. Still sniffling, Yunyun pulled away, giving her mother a pained smile. "I think they're going to try to kill Grey Wind and the rest of my friends. I...I'm going to save them. OK mom?"
"I...I would be grateful if you did," Catelyn managed, having no idea what OK meant, or why this girl was calling her mother.
"To arms!" Robb roared, taking up a sword from a fallen foe. The rest of the Northern Lords rallied, and they followed their king, and his fearsome new ally, out into the night.
In the end, it was still called the Red Wedding, for the Twins ran red that night with the blood of Freys, Boltons, and Lannister men. While Robb's forces did indeed suffer a number of casualties, once the magic started flying in earnest, their foes panicked and broke, only surviving the night because Yunyun ran out of mana and was forced to rest. Even Grey Wind lived, though the wolf was injured before Yunyun turned in his attackers into smoking lumps of meat.
The next day, a very confused Catelyn and Robb listened to Yunyun's tale. They couldn't quite credit that a strange girl who claimed to be a Stark was entirely truthful or sane, but they decided that if it meant she would fight for them and not against them, they had no reason to argue. Yunyun would miss her family and friends, but once the North definitively won the War of the Five Kings, Daenerys Targaryen agreed to allow the North to become independent due to her father's actions against Robb's grandsire. In time, Yunyun proved that without the Might of the Frozen Throne and the guidance of the Lich King, the Others were basically just target practice for a Crimson Demon, she settled down easily enough.
After all, now she had a whole new world to make friends in!