The Pitch
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AN: It's been ages since I posted one of these... So I thought I'd throw out one from by backlog.
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Du-rum…
Du-rum…
Du-rum…
"Nick…"
"-Yes Judy?"
"What's taking you so long?" the bunny asked, nose beginning to twitch. "Are you trying to make us late for the train?"
"Nope," he quickly replied, some odd sounds coming from inside. It was almost like he was getting changed…
"-Just because I invited you to my parents' house doesn't mean I'll leave you here," she said. Nose twitch intensifying.
"And you won't have to," he announced, before pulling open the door and unveiling himself.
Her ears collapsed, while her jaw tried to hit the floor.
.
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"Are you still not going to sit by me?" he asked.
There was a moment of silence, only cut in by the rumbling of the train's wheels, before the bunny deigned a reply. "No. I don't want to get infected."
"Hmmm," the fox mused. "I didn't know that you're the 'that look is infectious' type."
"I'm not," she noted, frowning. "But for that, I make an exception."
Nick shrugged, smiling, before relaxing back and letting the glory of his t-shirt shine out. It was not a pawaiian job, oh no. It was a collar-less T with an inked painting on the belly. The soft watercolours and pleasant beach background were just enough to make the main deal just shy of completely inappropriate.
Hey Foxy Ladies…
And boy, did it have foxy ladies. The centrepiece was a trio of red vixens, one with a silver coat and another marbled, playfully standing with their knees bent, holding each other and winking or flirting with the camera. The red girl in the middle, a curl of head hair running down to her shoulder, was surprisingly burly for a model and wore a thick pair of blue dungarees…
And nothing else.
Apart from that presumed go at a farm fox, the rest were in beachwear. The marble in a black crop-top and boxer style getup, the silver in a white version of the same, all to contrast with their fur.
And then there were the rest of them.
And boy, was that a lot.
Every vulpine vixen, and a few non-vulpine to boot, had joined in on the party. Laying out, paws outstretch and bikini'd backs on display, were a fluffy white arctic fox, a grinning fennec, a coy looking crab eating fox and a cuddling gray and island fox. The last three made up the non-vulpine part of the party, no space reserved for the more aardwolf like bat eared fox or the many zorro's of the lycalopex genus (no surprise there, they and the vulpines got on like high school rivals), but it wasn't the end of the true foxes by a longshot. Arrayed at the back, snuggling up to each other's scantily clad embrace, were all the sandy foxes there for everyone to see. Bengal, Blanford's, Cape, Corsac, Tibetan, Swift, Kit, Pale and Ruppell's.
And boy, if anyone could see it, then Judy would make sure that she would be seen nowhere near it.
Hey foxes' ladies?
From this bunny babe, the answer was nope.
"What's the matter?" he asked, shrugging. "Seriously, this is quite modest if you think about it. Some actual talent went in, and it's not like someone posted a fully saturated photo of Taylor Swift-Fox on there or something."
"Listen," Judy stressed, paws sweeping down and out. "With that on, even though it should be impossible for anyone to think we're together, I don't want to take any chances."
Nick paused, spine going straight so fast his body shook for a few seconds as it got itself still again. "What did you just say?"
Judy blinked. "Uhhhhh… I don't want to take any chances…"
"No, before that…"
"Even though it should be impossible for anyone to think we're together…"
Nick leapt out of his seat. "YES!"
Judy then tried to disappear into hers as he danced, hip slowly spinning around as he sung "I did it, I did it…" over and over again.
"Nick, please jump out of the train…"
"Au contraire, Fluff," he spoke, landing down next to her on an empty seat, making her cringe up all the more. "Now I know I don't have to!"
"Please do anyway…"
"-You see Fluff, I realised that even though we're having separate rooms, with a family that big someone somewhere is gonna start a shipping rumour about us."
"-Wait." She sat up, one ear flopped down in utter confusion. "But we're not together."
"But that doesn't stop someone thinking we are," he cut in. "Be it out of doe-eyed romanticism or fox hating spite. And, regardless of what form that took, it would make its way to all the older members of your family, who are in camp two. This though proves that they won't even consider it. My hide is safe from the bunny horde."
And at that point Judy's embarrassment stepped back and chose to wait it out as a new player came to the table. "You think my family was going to hang you or something?" she asked incuriously.
'Pffff…' he dismissed. "Of course not! I thought I'd be on the receiving end of your father and his shotgun collection instead, getting run off the farm."
Player three entered the emotions game. "MY FATHER DOESN'T HAVE A SHOTGUN COLLECTION!"
He raised a finger. "He has two, does he not?"
Her face scrunched up, players two and three doubling teaming this one. "That's hardly a collection."
"It may be the bare minimum," he conceded, "But for all intents and purposes, it has the same effect on me as if he had a hundred."
"And how's that?"
He shrugged, pushed out both paws, and with his left. 'Boom'.
Then his right. 'Boom'.
Then left. 'Boom'.
Then right. 'Boom'.
"Now," he conceded, a bigger collection does get scarier if there's multiple mammals after me, but I'd imagine your father would want to handle this himself. -Maybe get Stu junior to drive while he takes aim, but that's it."
Judy's nose gave a hard, seething twitch, repeating it ever other second. "That's completely wrong."
"There is a Stu Junior, right?"
"I… Anyways, my father will not run you down or shoot you!"
"Just playing it safe," he said, paws up.
"Urghh, fine," Judy muttered, before slamming herself into her chair, facing away from him. Dumb Fox…
Her mouth twitched, her eyes suddenly widening. "Say, Nick…"
"Yup…"
"You know that with a shirt like that and you sending such a loud message, there a plenty of bunnies who'll think you're… hmmmm, shall we say, trying to divert them from something?"
Nick's smug smile ceased to be.
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"Mom! Dad!" Judy leapt into them, holding them tight, before they even managed to fully open the door. "I missed you!"
"I missed you too, Bun-Bun," Bonnie said back, smiling as she snuggled up and ran her chin over her daughter.
"Yeah, we did," her father added, before looking up and breaking away. "Ah, and this is your partner here," he said, paw going to his hips. "Well, welcome to Bunnyburrow, Mr Wilde. And I must say, I'm liking that shirt."
Nick smiled, patting his famous green Pawaian. "See Judy," he said, not seeing Stu give Bonnie a look. "It is a good style. I mean, these two would have probably appreciated the foxy lady shirt too."
Stu paused. "Foxy lady shirt?"
"Ah," Nick said, as he reached down. "Let me just…"
Judy covered her eyes with her ears as he pulled it out, giving her father a good long look at it…
"-There a bunny version of that?"
His wife and daughter groaned, hard.
"Ah, c'mon," he paw-waived. "It's a joke. Side's…" He looked down. "I'm sure this guy has a certain special someone in his life."
There was a pause, Nick's tail briefly freezing behind him, before he carried on, all debonaire. "Ah, sadly not," he said. "Though who knows, maybe there's one of those farm vixen's out here?" He paused, smiling. "You have a fox as a business partner, yes? Any available sisters of his…?"
"Uh… no," Stu confessed, "He, uh… Only has brothers."
Judy, looking on, blinked a few times, her head tilting.
Meanwhile, Nick shrugged. "Fair enough, though… Any available brothers?"
"No."
"Any available baker fox?"
"Also no."
"Aw schucks…" Nick said, shaking his head. "Well, guess there'll be none of that stuff here for me." He grabbed up the cases and stepped in. "Shall we, Judy?"
"Yes we shall," she said, just a bit quitter than usual.
"You can show him to his room, right?" Bonnie asked.
"Yup," Judy replied, doing just that. Off they went, leaving the husband and wife alone.
Eventually, she broke the silence. "We have a problem."
"Yes we do."
"Shall we do the plan?"
"Yes," he said, cracking his knuckles. "Yes we shall."
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"All in all, complete mission success."
"You mortified my mother and I."
"All in all, complete mission success."
Nick's smarmy grin was almost knocked off as a pillow came flying towards it, but he managed to dodge it, and then next. The grin remained.
The bunny Grrrrrr'd.
"I mean seriously," he said, "Now that they know I'm chasing fox tail, they won't suspect anything."
"Which they wouldn't do anyway, as it's not there."
Nick paused for a few seconds, before snickering, earning a narrowing of eyes from his partner.
"What?"
He snickered some more.
"What?"
He immediately straightened up, acting serious. "You didn't see WildeHopps," he spoke, Judy facepawing, again. "You didn't… -CAUSE IT'S NOT THERE!"
…
He sat down next to her and smiled. "Are you trying not to laugh?"
"Fffffffttttt…"
"Hmmm, you're delusional. Get her to the infirmary…"
"Heeeeeee… -Bwahahahaha…"
He jumped up, fist pumping. "There, done it, you can't be mad now you…"
She punched him in an arm, his shock giving her enough time to calm down. "Now I can't be mad," she said, taking a breather.
"Okay, maybe I deserved that…"
…
"Okay, I did deserve that, and maybe that look too…"
…
"Fine, and that look to," he said. "But it worked. They don't suspect anything of the thing that isn't there. Happy ending, no more lies needed."
Judy began nodding, only to pause. "I wouldn't say so…"
"Huh?"
"My Dad… lied…"
"Wait, what? When?"
"Back then," she carried on, "when you asked about Gideon having any sisters. He said he had all brothers."
"So?"
"He's got a younger sister. Younger than me, but still…"
"Huh?" Nick asked, looking to the side and scratching his head. "Maybe they just didn't want me to be distracted during this trip…"
"I'd normally say yes," Judy carried on, "but knowing them, they'd have said they'd give you her number if you behave. They know how to manipulate kits into doing what they want, trust me."
Nick paused, thinking. "-Except I'm not a kit."
"Legally and physically, no. But as for him and his sister, I don't know anything about them, either… So I don't know why they didn't say they'd ask, or…"
"Maybe you're overthinking."
"Maybe they're going to get revenge on you by setting you up with a date with Gideon," she said, crossing her paws. "I mean, maybe they ask him just to pretend it all, to get you. But what if he does lean that way?" She leant in and smiled. "I don't think a chubby farm fox is quite what you bargained for, is it?"
Nick paused for a second or two, before he shrugged. "I've had worse," he said, flashy her a smug grin. "As long as you dress something in knee high or above stripey socks, that's good enough for me."
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Okay… Nick was getting concerned.
Those bunnies were up to something.
Call him a paranoid fox, but bunnies leaning out from behind the walls to stare at him, bunnies darting away while talking into walkie talkies, bunnies…
He froze, having to double take the potted plant he'd just seen. Or rather, the earth it was planted in. Or, to specify even further than that, the small metal tube thing he was pretty sure he'd just glanced. A small metal tube thing more commonly attached to submarines, than being used by spying bunnies. But no, he was sure about what he'd seen, and he'd seen a periscope.
They were after him.
He gulped, rubbing his as-of-currently none pellet riddled behind and rubbing it hard. Right, time for emergency measures. He'd downloaded it before, but now it was time to break it out!
"Right, Timber in the burrows, selected for foxes," he began, before swiping. "Hmmmm… No. Nope. Maybe. No. Yes."
"Code red," someone said from behind, Nick glancing to see a vanishing tail. "Code red."
He promptly scooted over to a wall and turned his back to it, paying frantic lip service to the app while scanning around left and right, sidestepping towards his room all the way.
"What's he doing?"
"That's not how you act in a horror movie. Has he, like, never seen one?"
He'd seen plenty. That's why he was acting like this, in fact. Besides, what was he supposed to do, split up and look for clues? That would involve a saw, a lot of pain, and he didn't think it would work.
"Now what?"
"Uhhh… Attack?"
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"ATTACK!"
"And the fox is out of here," he yelled, taking off the other way from the increasingly ground shaking tidal wave of yelling and laughing bunnies. Paws on the floor, twisting and turning, taking a full storey hopping leap in an atrium, he barely spared a glance behind him before turning back forward. That was enough!
On he went, soon realising to his horror that he was lost and they had the home advantage. He practically tore up the carpet grinding to a halt, freezing as the two advancing bunny armies stood their ground, surrounding him, slowly advancing. He gulped. Just give him the shotgun!
Looking around, he saw a door next to him and darted in, grabbing the nearest thing he could find and slamming it under the door. Mercifully, it was just the right height to jam the doorhandle.
He breathed a sigh of relief, face collapsing onto the cool, crisp, soft plastic.
It was only after he caught his breath, and began to get a little concerned about the rumbling of the door, that he looked at what it was.
It was a changing table, the plastic surface inlaid with lots of smiling carrots. Pulling his head back, he discretely pulled out a wet-wipe from the waiting dispenser and cleaned down his face before looking at the rest of the room.
-Definitely a babycare room. This crazy place had communal bathrooms around the place, so in all seriousness this wasn't much of a surprise. There were a couple of playpens on one side, probably to store the litters in during processing, and a few other changing tables on the other. His head tilted a little as he noticed that all of them were stacked with varying sizes of soft white cloth towels and brightly coloured plastic pants, a container of safety pins to the side for each measure. It seemed these bunnies were old fashioned in more way than one, though it sort of made more sense when he saw a large disposal hatch marked 'For Washing'.
The door shuddered again, and he groaned. "Please, let there be an alternative! Anything!"
And then he saw another hatch, perfect!
'Furnace.'
"Washing it is!" he announced, sliding in and hoping whatever basket at the bottom had just been emptied. Thankfully he didn't smell anything as he began sliding down. Heck, it smelt really clean.
He was just able to process that when he came out into the light, landing down on a soft chair and immediately having his wrists and ankles bound.
A horde of bunnies pulled back, leaving him struggling, and then two stepped forward out of the crowd.
He gulped.
"Uh… Hi Bonnie, Hi Stu… I was just playing hide and seek and…"
"Nicholas," he said, sternly. "We need to talk."
He bit his lip.
"About Judy."
"Please, I'm not dating her! We haven't even started yet! I'm not defiling your daughter with my foxy savageness! Please show me mercy!"
He closed his eyes and held his neck bare, pleading, hoping, and…
He felt a paw on his own and looked down. Bonnie was there, looking softly at him, and he looked back in confusion. "We know you're not dating her, sweety."
He blinked, utterly and totally confused.
Stu cleared his throat, Nick turning to look at him. "Indeed. And that's the problem."
Nick's jaw nearly hit the floor, Stu carrying on regardless, waving on two bunnies carrying a flipboard. The lead one grumbled. "This is gonna suck."
"Now, now, Junior. You of all mammals should know the importance of the old ways."
"We could'a done some showmammalship, or make it exciting, or have a dance number, or lots of bunnies, but…"
"-But we're in charge, so we're doing it my way," his father said sternly, waving him off. He brought out a pointer, turned to Nick, and cleared his throat. "Now, there'll be a Q&A after, though hopefully I'll explain everything well enough." He leant down, took a few seconds to find the right edge, and flipped over the first page. Judy's graduation picture shone out. "Now, Judy Hopps… A fine daughter who needs a fine mate. After all, look at her." He waved his stick, and Nick, just thinking it was safest to go along with everything, followed it. "Now, she's very beautiful and that's an advantage and a half for any young man like you. Note her eyes. Pretty eyes. Eyes you'll be able to wake up to every morning. Note her nose. Small and sweet. A nose you'll be able to wake up to every morning. Note her ears. Mighty fine ears. Ears you'll be able to wake up to every morning…"
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[30 minutes later]
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"Note her toes. Little bean toes. Toes you'll be able to wake up to every morning."
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[2 hours later]
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"The binky is one of the most adorable signs of affection in the animal kingdom. Now, I hear you mammals purr, which is small and can be missed. A binky, meanwhile, now that's a satisfying reward for treating your lady."
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[6 hours later]
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"Over six-hundred pelvic thrusts a second."
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[An eternity later]
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"U is for understanding. She will always take the time to listen, to empathise, to try and understand your viewpoint. Though, of course, I'm pretty sure you know that. D is for dresses. She may seem a tomboy, but she will wear them, and, I think we can all agree, she rocks them."
He looked around, a pile of exhausted bunnies groaning out in agreement.
"And finally, Y. You got any questions?"
Slowly, wearily, Nick sat up. "No. I'll do it."
"Brilliant," Stu announced, quickly going over and undoing his binds, waving the fox on his way. Out he went, heading straight back to Judy's room, the Hopps patriarch smiling proudly and walking back, sitting down next to one of his sons and holding him tight. "See, Junior. I told you it works every time."