A/N: Chapter title is a lyric from the song "Finding North," by The Civil Wars.

. .
. .

Chapter 33. One More Sunset Runs Away

Time moves quickly once Addison has elected to bury the positive pregnancy test – now sealed in a plastic bag – at the bottom of her purse. She sits down at one of the cushioned barstools in Savvy and Weiss's kitchen, and tries to blink away tears as she sends Savvy an update on Phoebe (still sleeping), and again repeats her assurance that everything has gone well with her little charge this evening.

Savvy texts her back and lets her know they are leaving an East Village wine bar in a few minutes, and should be home by eleven. Addison is sort of okay with her friends' not-so-far-off arrival – it means she is somewhere around thirty minutes away from having to put a smile on her face and pretend like her entire world hasn't just ruptured like a fault line. And thirty minutes is not enough time to really think about all this and have an appropriate cry (because she knows the crying part is inevitable), so she is therefore forced to keep it together during this suspended space, this fragile stop gap. She can freak out later.

Addison's fingertips graze over the countertop, inadvertently following the veined paths in Calacatta marble as she stares out the window to her left. Between gaps in neighboring buildings, she can make out portions of the east bank of the Hudson River. The water is so dark at this hour – just ripples of inky black – a complete contrast to the light sources inside window squares etched along high rises, and from the headlights of cars below, forming a series of haloes chasing after one another.

In April, when Addison brought Phoebe into the world, she was convinced she was ready to be a mother. Convinced she was ready to have a baby, which of course is different from just wanting a baby. But then, while life may have been complicated at the time, while she might have been in love with two men, it was still significantly less complicated. Her marriage, no matter how unhappy it was, was intact. If she had gotten pregnant then, and knew the father was Derek, the answer – what would happen next – would have been simple. But if the baby was Mark's, or if she wasn't sure who the father was…well. Addison grimaces, not wanting to follow that reflection all the way through just yet. It would not have been simple or produced a clean, immediate answer though; that she knows for sure.

Wanting a baby, wanting a baby when the time is right, and wanting a baby with the right person are all very, very different things. And there isn't always overlap between categories.

It's okay. You are not a bad person for wanting to consider all your options, Addison tries to remind herself. And then she straightens when she hears the quiet groan and click of the front door being unlocked.

"Hi," she greets with a stretched-out smile, being mindful to keep her voice low as Savvy and Weiss emerge from the loft foyer and come into the kitchen. "Here she is…" Addison turns the handheld video monitor away from herself and in the direction of her friends, revealing a live feed of Phoebe in her crib. "Still sleeping like only babies do."

"Everything really did go well?" Savvy asks as she sets her leather clutch on the counter. "Man, I feel so light right now," she adds, heels clicking against the floor as she gives a dramatic twirl with untenanted arms. Weiss navigates around Savvy's spin, briefly placing a hand on her waist and murmuring something about grabbing a water. "It's weird to just have a clutch and not a giant diaper bag that digs into my shoulder and weighs like a hundred pounds."

"Everything went great," Addison replies. "She's such a sweet, happy little love, Sav. And I'm obsessed with that clutch. Well…I should probably get out of your hair. In case you guys have additional plans for the night…"

"Ha," Savvy chokes out. "Yeah freaking right."

"Jeez," Weiss says with a chuckle as he shuts the fridge door, a bottled water now in hand. "You could say it a little nicer, Sav. Or," he adds with a smirk, "at least paint a more complete picture so that Addie doesn't think you find me grotesque."

"Who says I don't?" Savvy winks. She turns back to Addison and tells her, "We don't have any condoms. And when I had my follow-up with my regular, non-Addison doctor, she prescribed me birth control pills, but I keep forgetting to actually fill the prescription…" Savvy nods at a comically large Post-it that Weiss is now sticking to the fridge with a reminder to pick up the prescription. In all uppercase letters. And with several exclamation points. "Having a baby," Savvy tacks on, "feels like your brain has completely left your head, sometimes."

I get that, Addison thinks. That's been me since last October. Even without a baby. And now there is a baby.

"I'm gonna go to our non-sexual bed," Weiss says with a mostly good-humored grin. He comes around to the other side of the counter to give Addison a quick hug. "Stay as long as you want, if you two want to catch up. And thank you, again, for watching our little lady."

"Anytime. She's an angel."

"Right now she is. I have no doubt she'll always have me wrapped around her finger, but with this one's genes in play…" Weiss jerks his thumb in Savvy's direction. "You know she's gonna be a handful."

"Ha-ha," Savvy says, but she does not broadcast any disagreement about this prediction when Weiss makes his way out of the kitchen. "Hang out for a few minutes," she tells Addison. "If you want to, I mean. I know it's kinda late."

"I'll stay for a bit. Would you mind if we went out on the balcony though?" Addison gestures to the double doors in the living room that lead out to a small platform area. "Some fresh air sounds nice." It's not necessarily because Addison wants to have privacy while she talks to her friend; everything about her body has felt hot ever since she took the pregnancy test.

"Sure. Good idea. And Phoebe really was good for you?" Savvy asks again as she strides ahead of Addison to the doors. "Sorry, I know I'm being insane…I'm sure this will be the hardest time, and then leaving her will slowly get easier. Assuming you still want to babysit once in a while, that is." When one of the doors is cracked open, Addison hears some sort of magnetic chime bleat out a short, quick warning. Baby proofing. It will be months before Phoebe can crawl, let alone toddle over to a door and reach up and grasp a handle in one of her chubby, dimpled fists, but Savvy has already worked within and beyond her daughter's current abilities and limitations. Because she is a mother.

I would need to do that too, Addison thinks. I'd need to baby proof Mark's entire apartment. A rush of wind immediately skitters over her skin when she steps outside, making her wish she brought a cardigan.

"You can be honest…" Savvy continues before Addison can answer. "If she was fussy or didn't go down easy."

"She was perfect. Really, she was. And everything went great, and I will happily watch her whenever you want me to. But, Sav…I need to tell you something." Addison tries to pull air in slowly, hoping it will help release some of the tension stacking up in her chest. At no point though has it occurred to her not to tell Savvy what is going on. That, honestly, might be the only easy part of all this. "It's nothing about Phoebe," she adds quickly when she sees Savvy's mouth round to ask the question. "It's just that…I stole something from you." Addison takes a step forward and curls her fingers around the iron top rail. "It's in my bag right now. Or…or borrowed. No, stole. Definitely stole. Because you won't want it back."

"Well, I can still see my Alexander McQueen on the counter from here, so I know you didn't steal the clutch…yet. Is it that hideous candy dish from Weiss's mom?" Savvy jokes, almost reflexively, and not just because of two glasses of Pinot Grigio. She comes closer, and nudges Addison's shoulder with hers. "Because I've secretly wanted someone to steal that thing for years."

"No. I…I stole the remaining pregnancy test from your bathroom." Addison keeps her eyes trained forward on the filmy blue night sky, but she can see out of the corner of her eye how rapidly Savvy's head whips towards her at this admission. "And I peed on a stick and now…now I'm pregnant."

"You're pregnant," Savvy repeats.

Addison turns to face her. "Yes."

"With…with a baby."

"No, Savvy. With freaking Oreos…sorry." Addison grimaces when Savvy's eyes automatically widen at the unexpected snap in her voice. "That was rude. I didn't mean to bite your head off. It's...God, it's the hormones."

"It's okay," Savvy assures. "Do you…do you know what you want to do? Well, wait." She sets her hand on Addison's wrist, a signal not to respond yet. "Whatever you want to do – seriously, whatever you want to do – I'm here for you. I want you to know that first. And I will be your person if you need someone to take you to and from the appointment."

Not an appointment, Addison knows. The appointment.

"Thank you." Addison expected nothing less from her friend, but it is still really, really comforting to hear. "And no. I don't…I don't know what I want to do. This is another area where you can say 'I told you so,' if you wanted to. You warned me to be careful. And while I was careful, I wasn't as careful as I could have been." They only used a condom once, their first time. And over the past month, Addison knows that how she has taken her birth control pills would fall under the banner of typical use rather than perfect use. She knew better. She has always known better, and the irony of this happening to her of all people – given her profession – would be deliciously funny if it was not so upsetting. "You said earlier that it's like your brain leaves your head sometimes because you have a baby now. Well, that's also what happens when you get the hots for man candy and cheat on your husband."

"So…it's Mark's, right?"

"Yes. It's definitely Mark's. It's all very...unseemly. That's what Bizzy would say, about me having a baby this way."

"It doesn't matter what she says. Or what she thinks. It matters what you think. And what Mark thinks." Savvy pauses for a moment, considering this. "Are you going to tell him?"

"Yeah. My initial instinct was no, but...I think that was just more of a reactionary panic than anything else, like being a little kid and closing your eyes and suddenly you're invisible. I don't think I can keep this a secret; I think I'd break. I'll tell him, but I still…I need some time to think about what I want to do…and I'm trying not to feel like a garbage person for that. It would be different if we'd been together longer when this happened. If I could see with total clarity where this is going, and if I could one-hundred percent trust that he won't cheat on me. And it's not really because of the seemly or unseemly thing…we're just still trying to find our footing together. I'm not even divorced yet. We've been an official couple for all of three days. A baby infinitely complicates things, and Mark…I've never thought of him as a dad before. I don't think he's thought of himself as one either, to be honest. And maybe we can make it work, and maybe he'll be completely 'in' and do whatever he can to get ready for our lives to change in the biggest way imaginable, but the thing is…" Addison releases a weary sigh. "I want a baby…but I don't know if I want a baby this way. Or, you know…like right now."

"That's completely fair," Savvy says. "You're right to think this through, to decide what's best for you, and for you both, but it means something for you in a way it doesn't for Mark just by virtue of this happening inside your body, not his…so you ultimately have to do what's best for you. And that doesn't make you a garbage person, Addie. I promise it doesn't. I should tell you though, if you decide to keep the baby, and things stay as they are now…Derek is going to be considered the presumed father, since you were married when you got pregnant. So if you decide to go forward with the pregnancy, filing for divorce sooner rather than later would be in your best interest so that you…so that you can avoid that. Sorry. I'm not trying to add more to your plate, but I just thought you should know that while you make some decisions in the coming weeks. When you're unmarried – divorced – and you have the baby, Mark can sign a paternity form. That said…Derek could still request a paternity test if he wanted to."

"That's fine," Addison replies, even though it isn't fine. None of this is fine. "It won't change any genetic test results. You know, Sav…it doesn't really come up during my 'How was work today?' exchanges, but I perform abortions from time to time, and not just when it's for patient life-saving measures. We're in a nation of over three-hundred million people, and there are only seventeen-hundred abortion providers. And I'm one of them."

"I figured you probably do some. And I'm as pro-choice as they come – you know that – so you're not going to hear anything negative or unsupportive from me. I'm not stupid enough to think that a baby – or a fetus…" Savvy trails off, thinking through her words. "Well, no. I guess an embryo right now, right? Not a fetus?" She waits until Addison nods. "Anyway, it's not like I think an embryo tries to flee from a medical instrument or something. And I know that whatever you decide…I know it's not a decision you'll make lightly."

"Right. When human life begins is a philosophical argument at best. And as a doctor, I operate within the borders of science, not philosophy and religion. It's just…harder when the choice actually affects you personally. I've never really had to separate the decision to terminate a pregnancy from what it is that I need to do professionally. Not like this, at least. But I guess…I guess this is sort of when the choice part kicks in."

"Yeah. Yeah, it is."

"Savvy? How would…" Addison bites down on her lower lip as tears crowd her eyes. "How would I know if I'm ready to be a mom? Especially in…in this circumstance. I'm thirty-eight. So I know that if I choose not to have this baby…I'm sort of rolling the dice on whether or not I can get pregnant in the future…with decreasing reproductive potential and all. When I was with Derek, having a baby was kind of inevitable. But this…this isn't that."

"Knowing you're approaching the end of the road for getting pregnant can't be your reason for having the baby, Addie – plus you know you still have time. And yeah, it's amazing to have the chance to carry your own kid and know that he or she is physically a part of you and also a part of the person you love, but there are a lot of ways you can have a kid…and none of them are any less meaningful. And as far as whether or not you're ready to be a parent…you just become ready. If that's what you decide you want. If that's what you decide is the best possible choice for you right now. A very smart woman once told me something like that."

A sliver of a grin tugs at Addison's dismayed features. "Is the 'very smart woman' you're talking about the dumbass standing next to you right now who decided not to bother with condoms? And got sloppy with taking the pill? And just…hasn't made a mentally sound decision in months?"

"Yep." Savvy squeezes her hand. "That's the one. You're going to be okay though. No matter what you decide, you're going to be okay. And you're not alone."

. .
. .

Addison sits as close as possible to Savvy on the edge of Savvy and Weiss's bed, and gently rubs Savvy's back while her friend dabs at the tears sticking to her cheeks.

"I must have, like, superwoman ovaries or something," Savvy declares. "Why am I crying?" She looks down at the positive pregnancy test clutched in her fist. "I don't know why I'm crying. This is what I want. This is what Weiss and I both want."

"You're crying because it's new and it's scary. And because even though you wanted to get pregnant, even though you were technically trying as soon as the IUD came out, it still happened quicker than you thought it would. You know, you kind of are a superwoman though," Addison says with a smile, "so it would make sense your ovaries would be that way, too."

"I think I'm just nervous. And stunned by the news."

"That's normal."

"I should probably think of some obnoxiously cute way to tell Weiss we're gonna have a baby." Savvy sniffles. "Or maybe I should have told him before you, instead of asking if you'd wait with me while I took a test, but…that's okay. I not-so-secretly love you more than I love him anyway."

Addison laughs. "I'm honored. And tell Weiss however you want to tell him. Being direct – just blurting it out – feels more your style than a special onesie or shirt or something…I'm sure there are a thousand ideas for how to tell him. But just do it however you want."

"Doing it however I want is why I'm pregnant right now," Savvy says with a sardonic grin. "I'm probably…with these pregnancy hormones, and just being who I am in general…I'm probably going to be a bitch on wheels until next April, aren't I?"

"Absolutely."

Savvy smirks in response, and then takes an unsteady breath. "I feel…right now, I just…I'm not ready. I don't feel ready. Is that bad?"

"No. No, it's not. I don't know think anyone is ever really ready when they see the plus sign," Addison says quietly. "The 'ready' part comes later, Sav. I'm promise. You can do this. And you're going to be so, so happy with your little boy or girl. You and Weiss are going to be the best parents, and this baby is going to be your entire world."

"I bet it's a boy," Savvy says. "I'd be happy with either, but I bet it's a boy."

"Well, we'll just have to wait and see."

"Yeah, I guess we will. And I'll get ready in the meantime."

. .
. .

Addison arrives back at the apartment a few minutes after midnight, and toes quietly down the hallway, not wanting to wake Mark, who is a fairly light sleeper. She figures she will not bother with any of her usual getting-ready-for-bed routine; she is far too tired, and just wants to lie down, even though she suspects she will not manage to get much sleep tonight.

She finds Mark asleep on his back, one arm loosely bowed over his head. The muted blue – her favorite setting – of his galaxy nightlight dances on the ceiling. Addison told him once that she doesn't really get back sleepers; nothing about the position seems comfortable to her. In response, Mark told her the nice thing about sleeping on his back is that it makes it a lot easier for Addison to straddle him first thing in the morning, which made her laugh and blush.

Mark stirs when Addison gets under the covers, but he keeps his eyes closed, opting to blindly reach his arms out for her. He pulls her over with relative ease, arranging her on his chest and fitting her body against his. Addison lets him; just like how she knows what sleep positions are comfortable for him, he knows what feels good to her.

"How was the baby?" He asks sleepily, words thick and nearly incoherent with fatigue, and if Addison was not expecting a question of this nature, she would have gone completely rigid in his embrace.

"Good. Phoebe was really good."

"Helps that she had someone taking care of her who has…has the perfect…qualifications…" Mark mumbles.

Addison smiles and grazes her fingertips along the stubble framing his jawline. "Go back to sleep," she says, pretty certain he already has.

She loses track of how long it takes her to fall asleep. In fact, she is not convinced she actually slept at all – whatever it is she is doing feels too surface-level to be true slumber. It is really just vaulting in and out of shallow consciousness, but each time it happens, at least Addison is graced with a few seconds of not remembering the additional splitting cells now housed in her body.

She must have slept in some way though, because suddenly light is pouring all around her, and when she peeks at the clock on her nightstand, she realizes it is close to noon. She almost jolts up in alarm; she never sleeps in this late. But apparently she needed to. She can hear murmurs coming from the TV in the living room, most likely commentary on a baseball game or PGA tournament. She busies herself with taking a shower first, hoping that doing a bit of primping might somehow make her feel better. She stands under the showerhead for as long as she can, letting the water beat down on her. She just about gasps for breath when she finally twists away from the hot water and clouds of steam.

"Hey, sleepyhead," Mark says when she comes into the kitchen, dressed and wearing makeup, and hair still a little damp. "I remember you saying Phoebe was easy, but she clearly did a number on you. I made coffee." He holds the mug out and gives Addison a light shrug. She loves coffee first thing in the morning, but tends to crave that first cup less the later it gets in the day. So, while making her a cup while she was in the shower was not an inconvenience on Mark's part, he knows it might be a pointless gesture.

It is. Addison swears the smell of the coffee Mark just poured – which, as recently as a few days ago, was one of her favorite smells – has her close to vomiting. Pregnancy nose is now a part of her personality.

"Actually…" she begins softly, and she shakes her head at the waiting mug. "Can we sit and…and talk? I need to talk to you."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, sure." Mark sets the mug on the counter, and then takes a seat at the kitchen table. It isn't until Addison sits down in the chair next to him – one of the corners of the table between them – that he notices something is wrong. She is quick to duck her head, but before she does, Mark catches how glassy-looking her eyes are. She seems to be trying to hold her back as upright and as still as she can manage to – the posture looks incredibly uncomfortable – but Mark can see the subtle tremors in her hands on the table. She's a little pale, too.

"Hey…you're shaking. Addie, what is it?"

"I have to tell you something." She forces herself to meet his eyes. "I found out yesterday that I'm…I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant, Mark."

"You're...wait. You're pregnant?" Mark says, and it feels like an incredibly stupid response to him, even though his disbelief is valid.

"Yeah. I took a test last night while I was at Sav and Weiss's. And I know it's not…" she stares down at her hands, her fingers now stitched together. "I'm sorry for... for making things harder for us. For ruining this."

"Hey, you haven't ruined anything." Mark places his hand on top of hers. "And I'm not unhappy, Red. And I'm not upset," he says quickly. It feels important to Mark that Addison knows this above all else, regardless of whatever it might be that he actually is feeling right now. "I just...didn't know what you were going to say when you said you wanted to talk, but this…definitely didn't cross my mind. So…I'm just trying to process, that's all. I'm trying to wrap my head around this."

"We have that in common," Addison admits.

"How far along are you?"

"Just four weeks. I was only late by a day, but I just…knew. Or at least strongly suspected. I felt different. It happened…it happened that weekend we were in the Hamptons."

"Well." Mark cannot help but smile, despite the gravity of this situation. "That was one of our better times," he shares, and Addison coughs out a noise between a laugh and a sob.

"I may not have ruined things," she says, "but I certainly made them more complicated."

"You know it takes two. You know better than most."

"Yeah. I've lied to so many patients over the years who came to me to talk about birth control. Well." Addison shakes her head. "Not lied-lied. More just...I didn't share that little detail about how much better it feels without condoms."

"Yeah. And maybe…" Mark gives her another smile, trying to offer some humor. "Maybe Sloans are just unusually fertile."

This comment does manage to produce a light laugh from Addison. "Maybe," she agrees.

"So if you're four weeks, then you're due in…" Mark calculates forward. "In March?"

"Yes. March seventh."

"Do you know what you want to do?" He watches as Addison lowers her tear-dampened eyes and moves her head from side to side. "Okay. Okay. I know…I know it's a lot. I know it's a lot to think about and adjust to. But, what if…Addison what if we have the baby? Like, really do this. We could do this."

"Do you even like kids?" It is a genuine question, neither a judgment nor an accusation, because Addison is trying – really trying – not to be hurtful to Mark during this conversation, and any future ones. Thankfully, either her tone or the look on her face seems to convey this to Mark.

Depends on how loud they are is Mark's initial thought. Because it's true.

But it's not the only thing that's true.

"I would like our kid," he answers sincerely. "And I…I wouldn't want to have a kid with anyone other than you. Maybe this is a sign."

"A sign?"

"Yeah. Like, it's meant to be or something. I want to have a baby with you. We could be a family. It's just…" Mark hesitates, trying to sort through everything rattling around in his brain. A baby. It's terrifying and overwhelming. The idea of having a kid isn't something he's given any consideration to…not since he was a teenager, when he realized he probably didn't want to ever have kids. Sure, there have been moments throughout his twenties and thirties where he's thought about what it might be like to have a kid of his own, but more just…in an abstract way. Certainly not a real way. But this, right now. This is real.

Mark keeps waiting for a feeling of heaviness to settle through his bones. It hasn't happened though. He feels…oddly light. Yes, light. That's the word. He maybe even feels hopeful, even in the center of all the fears and unknowns, the rooted juncture of what this would mean for them as a new and very complex couple.

"This feels right," Mark continues, the realization coming exactly as the words do. "This feels right. I know it's not what we planned and that nothing about our relationship has ever been easy, but this…this feels really right. And I know you know everything about babies and I pretty much don't know anything, but I'll learn. I can learn. I can do this. I want to do this. Hey…" he grasps Addison's hands tighter. He can see and feel how she is still shaking a little, and it worries him. "Let's go sit down on the couch so I can give you a hug, okay? You look like you could use one." She smiles gratefully. He isn't wrong about that.

"I feel really overwhelmed," Addison says once they have rearranged themselves on the couch. She has her legs draped over Mark's, and her head is tucked beneath his chin. "And scared," she adds quietly. His arms tighten around her. "I'm scared."

"Me too. But…we're going to figure this out. We're going to figure it out, okay?"

Addison manages a small nod against his chest. "Okay…okay."

"Yeah?" Mark smiles and glances down at her, even though she is nestled too tightly against him to see his expression, or for him to see hers.

"Yeah," she confirms.

Mark smiles wider and strokes her hair. Eventually, Addison falls asleep in his arms, her full weight slumped against him as she breathes out warm, even puffs of air against his neck. He stays relatively still while he watches TV, not wanting to disturb her; he is pretty sure Addison did not sleep well, no matter how late she actually slept in today.

He feels excited about this. And he keeps waiting for the excitement – the proudness, because he does feel weirdly proud about getting her pregnant, even though perhaps he shouldn't feel that way – to fade. The faded feeling should rock him back to reality. A complete and utter sense of regret and dread and sinking-ness should follow, and he should be wishing the current situation would just go away. Because the old Mark Sloan would not have been even remotely enthusiastic about this. If it were any other woman, this would be his worst nightmare, but because this is Addison, it makes all the difference. He also thinks that if anything about being in a relationship with her – and subsequently removing her husband from the equation – means he won, it would have to be this, right? A baby. They're going to have a baby together. Mark has something Derek has never had. He has now tied himself to Addison in a way Derek never did, or could. But this isn't about winning. It never has been. It's just about them. Plus one.

It also does make him think about the fact that Addison is less inclined to leave him now, since there is a baby. It is still hard for Mark to shake away that concern, that scrutiny. How it always feels like one part of Addison is drifting in, and the other part is drifting away. Maybe not now though. Maybe not anymore.

What Mark doesn't think about is that Addison's okay and yeah responses may not have been meant as substitutes to an affirmative answer, may not have been the same thing as specifying that she wants to do this, too. Mark never explicitly asked if she wanted to have a baby. A baby with him. This baby.

It didn't really occur to him in the moment that he probably should have asked.

. .
. .

After a long, somewhat satisfying sleep in Mark's embrace, and another shower to wash away the fuzziness that can follow an unexpected nap, Addison takes a cab back to the brownstone. Mark offered to go with her, but she assured him it was okay; she will not be long. She just needs to pick up a few outfits for the week.

The air inside the house is different. Cleaning products, Addison assumes. It is something that would not have bothered her in the past – she probably barely even noticed it in the past. Right now though, the floral scent that hits her as she climbs the stairs is overpowering to the point that her stomach roils in protest. Their housecleaner still comes once a week. Addison realizes she should probably contact Stephanie and the cleaning service to let them know every other week is fine for the time being. Dust will continue to settle on surfaces, but the duvet that gets tucked back ten inches each time the housecleaner comes will not be disrupted, towels will not need to be moved to the dryer, cans will not pile up in the recycle bin, and mirrors will not get speckled with water spots. This is a home, but it is not really Addison's home anymore. At least not right now.

Addison can definitely add cutting back on cleaning service frequency to her list of things to do while she is here. Along with a phone call. And taking another pregnancy test.

The pregnancy test is the simple one. She is certain she has one here, and she would like to take another test in private just to confirm what she already knows (she is not expecting different results). She pees on the stick, and leaves it on the bathroom counter to process while she goes to handle the phone call situation.

The phone call Addison is less certain about. During the cab ride, she realized she had a missed call and a voicemail from a number she didn't recognize, and a quick Google search on the way over revealed that 206 is a Seattle area code. She cannot imagine why Derek would call her from a different number (or call her at all, to be honest), but she waits until she is inside the brownstone before she listens to the voicemail.

It ends up being Richard Webber. Succinct as usual, just requesting a call back because he wants to ask her something. And then he leaves his desk number; he'll be in his office until four today. Addison does not talk to Richard much anymore (just an email here and there), but she assumes he still has her cell number, just like she has his. Maybe it is a boundaries thing though; Richard said he was calling from his office, which makes Addison think he intends for this to be a strictly professional conversation.

"Adele must not be too happy with you," Addison says when Richard answers her call. "Working on a Sunday." Richard laughs in response, which makes Addison laugh, but it does occur to her that perhaps she shouldn't be making marital jokes, or in a covert way passing judgment on someone else's marriage. Not with her current situation.

She and Richard exchange pleasantries, try their hand at small talk – the weather in their respective states, how work is going, how Adele is doing, a mention of a now-retired attending Addison ran into in Saks a few weeks ago, who knows them both. Addison and Richard both recognize though that there is not much else they can discuss, if they want the conversation to remain comfortable, so it doesn't take Richard long to tell Addison, "I'm calling because one of my obstetricians notified me we have a patient coming in tomorrow with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Mercy West referred her."

"Ah. TTTS. What stage? Do you want me to look at the scans and give your maternal fetal medicine head an opinion?"

"That would be great," Richard replies. "I'll email them once we have them; I'd love to get your opinion. Mercy West is saying it's still stage one, but we'll have a better idea tomorrow. But the thing is…I was actually hoping you'd do the procedure if you think surgery is necessary…our specialist retired a few months ago, and we haven't found a replacement yet. Otherwise, we're just going to advise the patient on programs that might be able to help her; it's beyond what we'll be able to do if surgery is needed. I'm guessing only a handful of surgeons have the ability to separate fetal blood vessels as it is. And none of them happen to be in the Northwest…and none of them are you, Addie."

"Richard, I have some…personal things going on right now," Addison says. "I'll look at the scans, but as far as coming out to Seattle, if I feel like surgery is warranted, or if it appears there's stage progression…I'm going to need some time to think about it. There are other surgeons though if I don't think it's going to work for me. You're right, it's only a handful, but if I can help you make a connection, I will…I know the head of fetal surgery at Cleveland and she's great. I'm not trying to blow you off, but -"

"No, I understand," Richard interrupts. "It's okay. It's a lot to think about, coming out here. If you think surgery is necessary, if you could give me an answer by the end of next week about whether youwould be willing to come, that would be great. I can continue to explore other options though – there's someone in LA who is pretty well-regarded – but you'd of course be my preference. And, Addie? Look…this was meant to just be a work call, because I shouldn't get involved in something that isn't my business, but I also wanted to tell you…well." Addison hears Richard awkwardly clear his throat. "I understand you and Derek are spending time apart?"

"Yes, we are," she confirms. She does not know what specifically Derek has told Richard (most likely nothing nice, she assumes), so she does not elaborate.

"Like I said, it's not my business, but I feel like you deserve to know. He's seeing someone. Or…or at least sleeping with someone."

"Oh." Addison's voice catches. "Someone…someone at work?"

"Yes. She's a surgical intern here. That's all I'm going to say, and I'm not sure I've done the right thing by telling you, but again…I felt like you deserved to know. If I were in your shoes, I would want to know."

An intern? Addison thinks. Yes, sleeping with the husband's best friend is a tired cliché, but…so is screwing an intern.

(Tired clichés can still feel incredibly painful though.)

"I…I appreciate you telling me," Addison says, trying to keep her voice steady. "And if your patient needs surgery, I'll…I'll give you an answer by Friday as to whether or not I can come out there. And if – if I'm not able to, I'm happy to help you try to find someone who might be able to."

After Addison ends the call, she goes back into the bathroom to look at the pregnancy test. As expected, the results are the same as they were last night. She realizes that this is what it feels like, to have lost complete control of her life.

Now what? she thinks, desperation rolling through her.

. .
. .

References/Nods to Various Episodes

Oh boy. A LOT of show nods this time. And also a really long character analysis. So. First, I'm going to say something, even though I'm not convinced it's necessary to say, because 100% of my experiences with readers/reviewers on AO3 have been positive/supportive/constructive, and 97% have been positive/supportive/constructive on FF, which, hey. That's like a unicorn! Pretty impressive. And I adore my readers; you all are the best, and I always enjoy your humor. That said, any flame-y, anti-choice statements will be deleted (to be clear, I'm not expecting this from "regular" commenters…this is more for individuals from the internet at large who happen to read here, lol). I am trying to handle this storyline with compassion and sensitivity. If you don't do well with surprises (and I'm right there with you on that!) and want to know the outcome – baby or no baby – you can message me, and I'd be more than happy to tell you…but I think I've been pretty upfront about the fact that this fic will have a happy ending. And usually a happy ending for Addison involves a cute baby :).

No one in Addison and Mark's situation – canon, and also how I've chosen to write this – makes a decision about something like this in a day (okay, fine, not no one, but most people). No one comes to terms with a situation like this in a day (and obviously, communication between Mark and Addison has always been an issue). I also think Addison said it perfectly in Grey's 3x09 when Alex asked her if she thought their mutual patient was going to tell the father of her baby about the pregnancy, and Addison said she didn't think she would, and that, "It takes more than a well-meaning speech to get a girl to make a commitment like that." And she was clearly speaking from experience. I think Mark tried, I really do, but I don't think it was ultimately enough and mistakes were made along the way…and even if there were zero mistakes, Canon Addison was absolutely entitled to determine if this was the right time in her life to have a kid. And if Mark was the right person. And realistically, Canon Mark was not ready to be a father then (and I don't think Canon Addison was ready to be a mother then either, tbh).

I also think that despite Mark's initial excitement (because buying a onesie and marking the due date on a calendar definitely indicates excitement), his enthusiasm for fatherhood would have waned throughout the pregnancy. But you KNOW he was proud as shit for having knocked Addison up – even though it was not planned. And I think there was a part of him that felt like this meant she was going to stay in New York. He "marked" her in a way that Derek never did. At a minimum, I don't believe Mark was ready to be the kind of father at the time that he was later to Sofia. Every once in a while I will come across this Insta collage that juxtaposes the scene of Addison telling Mark he would be a terrible father with shots of him in the future clearly being a good dad to Sofia, and the post is like, ohhhh plot twist, and no, bitch, no…that's called character growth.

(As an aside, when I watched this storyline play out 14 years ago, I always thought: 1) pregnancy; 2) Addison catches Mark with Charlene; and 3) abortion. But actually, I think a REALLY compelling argument could be made for the reversal of #'s 2 and 3. And I wish more fics attempted that. That's not the direction I'm heading in, but just food for thought…though perhaps by saying that I gave away where I'm going with this. :))

ANYWAY. *hops off soapbox*

Actual references:

Grey's, 3x04. Addison and Bailey discussing the return of Mark to Seattle Grace.
Addison: "I can't function with [Mark] here. I'm a professional here, people respect me here. But when he's here, I'm just…I'm…"
Bailey: "A woman who gets the hots for man candy and cheats on her husband?"

The abortion provider statistic is from PP 4x21, and so is the personally versus professionally comment (with slight dialogue modification). This was when Addison was discussing her past abortion with Naomi. A really beautifully done, heartbreaking scene between the two of them.

The use of the word "unseemly." PP, 4x19. Addison was talking to Sam (she wants a baby, he doesn't): "I have already waited too long. First, it was wait until you meet the right guy, and then I met Derek. And then I told myself, 'Addison, be smart. Wait until you finish med school, then wait until you finish residency, and then wait until you finish your fellowship.' And then my marriage exploded. And then I had an affair, and then it was, 'Oh no, not now. You can't have Mark's baby. That would be unseemly.' And I waited. And waited. And waited. Until I only had one egg left. And it's not that I didn't want kids; I took having kids for granted." So. I think had Addison truly WANTED to have a baby with Mark then, had there not been trust issues, sleeping-with-other-people issues, were she not still in love with her husband, etc., she would have made peace with the "unseemly-ness" of it all, because even though the family and friends stuff would have been awkward to navigate and her social circle probably would have shrunk, she would deal, because the end result was going to be a baby she'd love (if she felt like having that baby was the right decision…which she didn't). Also, there was a small nod to PP 3x11 when Mark said to Addison, "This feels right. It feels really right." re: potentially moving down to LA and being with her. And siiiiigh. They were briefly HOLDING HANDS during that scene, which sometimes, context aside, is all you really need from your OTP.

In 3x12, Callie asked Mark if he liked kids, and he said, "I don't know. Depends on how loud they are." And Mark did once tell Derek (not sure which season, but it was when Meredith and Derek were trying to get pregnant) that Sloans are unusually fertile.

The TTTS case is what drew Addison to Seattle. Richard called her, and although we don't know the context of that call, we know he told her that Derek was sleeping with someone (also, such a dick move by Richard in the days leading up to Addison's arrival…yes, Derek absolutely should have told Meredith he had a wife, but Richard should have told Derek he asked Addison to come to Seattle? A heads-up would have been nice). Mark also brought it up in 2x18 when he met Meredith for the first time and said, "You're Derek's lusty intern, right? I heard about you all the way back in New York." So presumably Addison told Mark about her conversation with Richard.