You guys killed me with the love for last chapter. Thank youuuu. And thanks to Hadley for her magical pen, and to the lovely ladies who support/preread/talk me off ledges.
Also - THANK YOU to everyone who voted for this story in the Twific Fandom Awards! The Procedure won first place for "Out of This World" fic and I couldn't be more humbled/honored/ecstatic! *hearts*
Hoping for a Friday update - see you then!
Chapter Thirty-Three
Edward POV
She remembers.
She fucking remembers.
"We were together. We were in love," she says, and her voice is so fucking small, like she's worried or something. Like I won't believe her, maybe.
"I know," I tell her, swallowing thickly 'cause my heart's in my fucking throat, and it feels so tight. "Bella, I… I know."
"You know?"
"I remember everything."
She doesn't react right away. She stays eerily calm, and I wait for her to speak. I want her to question everything and finally know the truth. I'll tell her about her parents and what happened to her brother. I'll tell her everything I didn't get to before I left.
"What do you mean you remember everything?" she asks, her frown deepening.
"I remember everything about us," I admit, watching her closely. "The Procedure didn't work on me."
Once I say it, I feel like a fucking weight's been lifted off my chest.
"What?" she asks. When I open my mouth to repeat myself, she cuts me off. "No, I heard you. But…" She shakes her head in confusion and reaches over to turn on the lamp beside the bed. "The Procedure is always supposed to work."
The relief I feel is quickly replaced with panic. "But you just said you remember," I point out.
"I do. Sort of? But even if I'm starting to slowly recall some memories, I certainly don't remember everything," she clarifies. "You remember it all?"
I just nod. Every touch. Every laugh. Every kiss. Every fight. I remember it all.
"Why didn't it work?" she asks.
I shrug. "Don't know. Don't care. If it worked, then we wouldn't be here right now. So… I'm glad it didn't. But I don't necessarily know why."
She's quiet then, stuck in her head. Like maybe she's replaying every interaction we had before I disappeared. I just silently stare at her, memorizing her face, in case this is the last time I see her, and let her work through what she needs.
"So, you knew? The entire time?" Her eyes finally focus on me again. "When we met that day at the clinic, you knew we'd been together before? And that wasn't the first time we were actually meeting?"
I frown and shift to sit up against the headboard. I can't tell if she's about to get angry or not. If she's mad, she has every fucking right to be, and I need to be ready for that.
"Yes, I knew the entire time."
"Why didn't you just tell me then? If not in the beginning then eventually?"
"Maybe I should have," I murmur, fighting the urge to reach out and touch her. "But I was only with you for a week before shit went sideways, Bell. It didn't feel like enough time. I wasn't sure how you'd react. You weren't ready," I stress. "You were… I don't know. Different, I guess. Not the same Bella as before. Not right away, at least. But the more time I spent with you…" All of it is coming out wrong. It sounded good in my head, back when I was convincing myself not to tell her right away. Now it just seems calculating and selfish.
She frowns, shaking her head. "Why pretend that whole time?"
"I had no idea what else to do. I couldn't just show up on the bus and tell you that I fucking love you. I was a stranger to you. You know that wouldn't have worked."
Her gaze softens. "You love me?" she asks quietly.
"I… fuck." I shift closer and take her face in my hands. "I never stopped loving you, Bella. Or thinking about you. Or wanting you," I confess because I can do this now. I can tell her the truth. I can put it all out there and pray to fuck it doesn't backfire on me. "Didn't you get my letter? The one I left with Lauren?"
She nods and blinks back tears, bringing a hand up to clutch my wrist. I want to kiss her. I want to kiss away any doubt or second-guessing she might be having about all of this. But I don't. Instead, I just stare into her eyes, hoping she sees I'm not malicious, and I didn't keep this from her to hurt her. It's the exact fucking opposite. I was trying to protect her. That's what I've been trying to do this entire fucking time.
"I know it's a lot," I say gently. "I get it. But please understand why I couldn't tell you right away. You barely gave me the time of day right after our Procedures. I couldn't just tell you I knew you, and we'd been together… intimately." Her cheeks turn red, and with her face still in my hands, I brush my thumbs over the flush. "I couldn't tell you that we wanted to get married. I couldn't tell you anything. I just… I needed you to get to know me again." My voice is low, and her tears well up, like any second they'll spill onto her face. "You would've thought I was crazy or something."
She sniffles and looks away from me, so I drop my hands from her face. I have no idea what she's thinking, and it fucking kills me.
"Bell… I'm sorry. Please understand."
She's quiet for too long.
"You're right," she finally says, meeting my eyes. "I don't think I would've believed you. I would've ignored you, and we'd still be strangers. I wouldn't have gotten to know you again or fallen in love with you for a second time."
My chest feels light, and I fist some hair, letting her words sink in.
She's fallen in love with me again. She still fucking loves me after everything that's happened.
"Things would've been so different if you hadn't left to try to help Rose and Emmett," she says, and I instantly stiffen.
"You know that's where I was? You know that's what I was doing?"
"I know more than you realize," she mumbles. "You disappeared, and I wanted answers. So I sought them out. But I don't know everything. Carmen told me some stuff about the Resistance." She says the word so easily, not even flinching. She fucking knows. "Jasper told me some stuff, too. But nobody could tell me where you were. Nobody knew if you were alive or—"
She pauses, shaking her head. She thought I was dead. I'll never know what that did to her, and it breaks my fucking heart. I'm about to comfort her, when she leans over and wraps her arms around my neck. We hold each other for a second before she crawls into my lap. I don't care if the pressure is too much for my thigh or if she's clutching me so tight I can't move. I just hold her against me and breathe her in, exhaling into her hair.
"Fuck. I'm sorry," I tell her, over and over again. "I won't leave you again."
We pull apart, but she stays where she is. There are still so many things she doesn't know, and I want to come clean about it all, but I'm finding it harder than I thought. I need her to take the lead. I need her to let me know how much she wants to hear right now, so I don't overwhelm her.
"I'll tell you whatever you want to know," I murmur, pressing my forehead to hers.
"I want to know everything," she says, sniffling. "But will you tell me what happened with Em and Rose?"
It takes me a second to gain the courage. "I don't know what you heard about that night, but it's probably a lie."
"We were told Rose and Em electrocuted themselves on the fence to avoid punishment. We were told they're dead."
I shake my head slightly. "That's not exactly true. They made it out."
Bella gasps. "What?"
"Rose and Em didn't electrocute on the fence. It wasn't even fucking turned on. But—"
She instantly buries her face in her hands and starts to cry. I realize they're tears of relief, not sadness. I bring a hand up to the back of her neck and squeeze gently.
"Baby…"
"They made it out?" she echoes, her face crumpling with emotion when she looks at me again. "They're still alive?"
When my own eyes fill with tears, her face falls.
"Emmett didn't survive. He's… Bella, he's gone." I say it first to not give her false hope. "But Rose is alive. She's okay."
It doesn't matter what order I say it in. The look on her face would probably still be the same. I can't really look at her after that, so I lift the hood of my sweatshirt and pull it down over my eyes to hide my tears. I fucking hate myself right now. I hate doing this to her. Because I'm responsible for this. I should have known the enforcers would be waiting for us. I should've suggested that Em and Rose go into hiding as best they could before trying to run. But they were adamant about getting out. They were fucking desperate. I didn't listen to my gut because I wanted so badly to help them.
Now her brother's dead, and I'm alive.
I can't help but think it should've been me.
She chokes out my name and pulls the hood away from my eyes. I can't hide from her then, not when she needs me. I hold back my own tears and pain because she's the one who needs the support. We lie back on the bed, in each other's arms, and she cries as I hold her. I don't even know what to say to comfort her. I don't think there is anything to say. So, I stay silent, letting the guilt eat at me as she mourns her brother for a second time.
"I should've tried harder," I mumble when her tears slow. "I—"
She shifts to look up at me, eyes red and puffy. "Don't. None of this is your fault. Not at all, Edward."
Hearing her say it doesn't make me believe it, but I don't argue.
When her tears finally stop, she asks for all of the details, and I start from the beginning. I tell her I got the last-minute call that two people needed to get out. I was told beforehand that this move would be tricky, but when I heard it was Emmett and Rose, I couldn't say no.
To say they were shocked to see me is a fucking understatement. But we didn't have time to catch up or shoot the shit. We were on borrowed time from the moment they escaped custody. The only way they were able to do that was with the help of the Resistance.
We have eyes and ears everywhere, but this was the first time we actually tried to move someone who had already been reported. Usually the people we help escape just want a better life. Freedom. They're not necessarily on the run, or if they are, they haven't been caught yet. Not like Em and Rose. That's what made it fucking tricky.
Bella hangs onto my words as I recall there were two enforcers already waiting for us at the border. It didn't matter that I'd changed the route and tried a different area of the fence than we normally use. They were probably spread out along the perimeter, just waiting. Like they knew we were gonna try to run.
The enforcers were the ones who shot at us first. They hit me and Emmett but missed Rose because Em was blocking her. After that first fire, I had no choice but to shoot back. I remember my hand was shaking, and my ears were ringing. But I hurt them enough for us to climb the fence. The entire time we were up there, I was just waiting to get shot down. Thinking about it now makes my heart race and my palms sweat, but I downplay it for Bella.
Expecting to die was the worst feeling in the entire fucking world.
"They made it out," she whispers in disbelief. "And that entire time we were just supposed to believe they killed themselves?"
"I know," I mumble, unsure how much more she wants to hear. "Should I… do you want me to keep going?"
She nods, her eyes somber but expectant. My lips brush her forehead and I inhale deeply before going on.
This is the part that's hazy, but I do my best. When we were far enough away from the fence, we stopped to tear up our shirts to use as bandages to put pressure on our wounds. I tell her how brave Emmett was, and how strong Rosalie is. I falter a little on the timeline then skip ahead to our shortcut across the frozen lake. How it backfired and I fell through the ice, but Emmett saved me. Bella's crying again but smiles bravely through her sadness, like she's proud of her brother. I can't tell her much after that, but I give her what I've overheard from others, and what Rose told me. I try to keep my expression neutral when I explain how Emmett's gunshot wounds got infected, and the lack of antibiotics made him too weak to fight. I promise her that everyone did everything in their power to save him. I promise her that he didn't die alone but with Rose by his side. I don't know if it brings any sort of relief for her to hear that, but if it were me, I'd want to know.
"How's Rose? God, I can't…" Bella inhales shakily. "I can't even imagine what she's going through."
"She's okay. She misses you." I don't tell her about what happened between me and Rose that day by the river because now doesn't feel like the right time.
"Thank you," Bella murmurs, clutching me closer. "Thank you for keeping her safe. Thank you for trying to help them."
"I wish—"
But she doesn't let me finish my thought. "I know. Me too. But thank you," she says again, sounding so fucking grateful and relieved. "It means so much—"
She's crying again, but I'm holding back. My throat's on fire from trying not to cry. I hate seeing her in pain. But knowing I'm here now, and she doesn't have to mourn alone, like she probably did the first time, eases my guilt a little.
We're quiet for a long time after that until she asks about Rose again.
"Did she have the baby yet?"
"Not yet." I absentmindedly run my fingers up and down her arm. It's something I used to do to help her fall asleep. Even now, her body relaxes under my touch. "I think she still has a couple of months."
"She must be so scared."
"She's doing okay. It's been hard, but… she's been strong."
"Because she's had you," Bella murmurs, and guilt eats at me. "I can't believe you got shot. God," she breathes out, her fingers grazing my jaw. "I could've lost you, too. I can't—"
"Shhhh—don't think about it. I'm okay." I swallow back memories of the pain and the months of what felt like fucking torture. I keep all of my suffering and days of depression to myself because I don't want her to worry. It's over with. I am okay. "Thinking of you is what kept me fucking sane."
"I thought of you everyday, too." Her lips graze my cheek before she kisses her way to my mouth. "But you're okay now? You're not in pain?"
"It's not as bad as before. That's what took me so fucking long to get here. I had to heal, and I had to build my strength. The border was being closely monitored immediately afterward, so that kind of delayed things, too." I sniff, trying to downplay my stress over being stagnant for so long. "If there was a way for me to get to you sooner, please believe I would have made it happen."
"Edward… I know," she murmurs. "I don't blame you for any of this. Rose, Em… none of it. So, please don't beat yourself up."
I don't tell her that's one of the things I've become really fucking good at. It's easy to think negatively and harshly when you have nothing else to do.
"How long does it take to get out there? To the unincorporated land?" she asks.
"A few hours, usually. But it took me two days to get back here. I had to stop along the way, and camp out in the woods. My endurance isn't what it used to be."
She lets that sink in while I push away thoughts of how I wasn't sure I'd make it. Every moment leading up to being here with her has been fucking bleak. But now that I'm here… I can finally breathe.
"Thank you for coming back. For pushing through for me. For risking your life again."
"I'd do anything for you, Bell."
She presses a soft kiss to my lips, once, then twice.
"Esme kept telling me to hold out hope." She smiles sadly at me then reaches over to turn off the lamp before tucking herself under my arm again. "Wait, have you gone home yet?"
"That was the first thing I did. I wanted to come here, but I needed to make sure my mom was okay."
She pulls the comforter over us. "I'm glad you went there first. She's been so worried."
"I know," I mumble as I fight another layer of guilt. "She's worse off than I remember, though. She didn't even recognize me right away. It took an hour of random conversation before she was present and realized it was me."
"It's been like that for a little while," she sighs. "I'm sorry."
"It is what it is. I waited to come here until she was asleep again. Jasper and Lo said you've been hanging out over there a lot."
"I have. They've been…" She takes her time thinking about this. "Having them around has been good for me. I didn't feel so alone with them."
"They've always liked you," I tell her. "Even from the beginning."
"Even Lauren?" Bella asks, draping an arm over my stomach.
I breathe out a laugh. "Even Lauren."
"Why was she so harsh when I met her again, then? She's fine now, but it's like… I don't know. She acted like she didn't trust me."
"She was just worried about what happened before," I say automatically, then I realize where this conversation is leading.
"What happened before?"
I stay silent for a moment, readying myself to drop yet another bomb on her.
"Fuck," I breathe, pulling back so I can look at her. She shifts and finds my eyes. "There's something else I need to tell you."
Worry flashes over her face briefly, but I know she can handle it. She's Bella. She can handle anything I throw at her.
"Okay," she says hesitantly. "What?"
I pause for a beat, still unsure, then ask, "Did you ever wonder why we got the Procedure in the first place?"
"Yeah. I just assumed our relationship ended like everyone else's does. Because of some huge argument or because we just decided it was time to move on. But I've also wondered if I broke it off because my parents didn't approve. The same way they were wary about Emmett and Rose."
"You're onto something with that last part," I tell her, another bitter truth on the tip of my tongue. "We didn't want to break up."
"We didn't?"
"No."
"Then why'd we get the Procedure?"
"Because we had to." Her eyes search my face, but I want to be very clear. I don't give her a moment to process or fill in the blanks herself. I want there to be no room for misunderstanding. "Your parents forced us to get the Procedure. They made us break up. They didn't like me. They didn't think I was suitable for you or… fuck. I don't know their reasoning. But we were secretly engaged, and when they found out, they refused to let you choose me. They intervened and forced us both to have the surgery."
I let her take her time, allowing my words to sink in then. If she's as perceptive as I know she is, then she's noticed little things. She's realized certain truths didn't add up. If I know her, she already had the puzzle pieces, but now, with this last bit of information, she can finally put the pieces into place. She can see her family for who they truly are—power-hungry egomaniacs with zero humanity.
As much as I want her to remember everything like I do, part of me is glad she doesn't. I don't want her to remember that traumatizing night. It was fucking awful. Even now, when I replay it all, it makes my chest fucking hurt.
"My parents forced us," she whispers, and I can see the recognition in her eyes and hear it in her voice like she knows it's the truth. Silent tears trickle down her cheeks, and I brush them away, her chin trembling.
"I wanted to tell you. So many times. But…" I sigh.
"You didn't think I'd believe you."
"It's a lot to process."
"I had a nightmare before you showed up," she mumbles. "Like you and I were being forced apart or something. Maybe I was dreaming of that night. We were here, right? At my house, when someone came and took us away?"
I nod solemnly at the memory. "Right."
"I don't remember anything after that, but the feeling… it was awful. It was…" She presses her face to my chest, her fingers curling around the neck of my hoodie. "It was truly a nightmare."
Unfortunately, her nightmare was our reality.
I swallow thickly and run a soothing hand over the back of her head. "We were gonna run. We were making a plan to get out, to be together. We were so close, too."
"I can't believe it." Her sadness doesn't last long before it turns into something darker. Something filled with rage and animosity. "Those motherfuckers. I should've known," she mutters, shaking her head. "I'm so stupid. They did it to Bree—why wouldn't they do it to me? Why wouldn't they do it to other people?"
"Baby, you're not stupid. They fucked with your head. They took your memories. You couldn't have known."
"That's why I don't remember my procedure," she says absently like little things are clicking into place for her. "They probably took those memories, too. They treated me like a pawn in their little game." She blows out an angry breath, frowning. "After the way they treated Emmett's death… and now this? I fucking hate them. I do."
I let her simmer in her anger, but I stay quiet. I fucking hate them, too.
"Isn't that illegal?" she asks. "How can they get away with this?"
"Money? Power? I don't know. I doubt we were the first, and I'm sure we weren't the last. Which is why we need to get the fuck out of here," I tell her adamantly. "If you want that, I can get you out. We can be together. We can live out there. You can leave this life behind."
She doesn't say anything right away, and my stomach clenches with nerves or rejection or something else I can't quite fucking place. Time ticks on, and the longer she makes me wait, the more my chest hurts.
"Bella? Say something."
Her eyes find mine, her fingers brushing over my lips. "I want that. Of course, I want that. I want to be with you. I can't lose you again."
Relief sinks in, and I pull her closer, so she's fully in my arms. We lay that way for a minute, just holding each other. When we pull back, I kiss her deeply. My lips part, and when her tongue brushes mine, I groan. The passion is still there—that fire that always simmered under the surface with us. But after a moment, she pulls back a little, breaking our kiss. Of course I fucking want more, but I don't push, and I don't ask her why. I've just dropped a shit ton of bombs on her. It's understandable that she'd need time to digest it all.
"So, now what?" she asks, keeping her face close to mine. "We need a plan."
"I know. I already have some things in the works, but we need to stay put for now. Give me a couple of weeks, okay?"
"Weeks?" she asks, deflated. "I have to marry James soon, and I have to move in with him."
"Can you stall? Can you—"
"The wedding? No. Everything else? Maybe. It depends."
I try to keep my cool, but the thought of her marrying and living with him makes me wanna punch my fist through the wall. "People are wary about crossing right now. I probably shouldn't have even tried to come back this soon." I think of all the warnings from Leah and Sam before I left. From Rose. All of their worry. But they were fucking wrong. I made it. "I definitely need another person with us because if I want my mom to go, too, it can't just be me," I explain. "If something happens to me, I need to know you two will still be safe getting over there."
She clicks her tongue like she's mad I said it out loud, but I'm trying to be realistic. I need reassurance that someone else will be there for backup in case shit goes down. I definitely need help with my mom because I don't know how far she can make it. I'm not even at my full strength, not like I used to be.
"Just pretend like everything is normal. Go through your routine, play nice. I have to lay low, but when I get everything sorted out... we'll run."
She looks nervous, but underneath that, I know she's strong. She's determined. "Okay. I can do that."
"But Bella?"
"Yeah?"
"If we leave… we can't come back. Ever." I need her to understand what she's giving up. So I tell her, listing the losses one by one. She won't lead a life of luxury. She won't have many comforts. No shopping, no parties. Not like what she's used to. No unlimited access to food, no running water. The only reassurance I can offer is that I'll love her and keep her safe and never leave her again. The only guarantee I can give her is that she'll finally be free.
"I don't need to come back because there's nothing left for me here," she says simply. "All I need is you."
It's the best thing I've ever fucking heard.
Without another word, she closes the distance and presses her mouth to mine, kissing me sweetly before curling her body closer again. We're spent. Emotionally drained. Exhaustion takes over then, and we relax into each other.
With her by my side, I sleep better than I have in months.
Hours later, when I wake up and realize it's not a dream, every moment of suffering seems worth it. I'm here, and she's mine. And this time, we're gonna get the fuck out of here.