Lullaby

Joey Sharkbait

2021

[Soundtrack: "Lullaby" by The Cure]

{Sango's point of view.]

The room was dark and cold. Initially, there were a few tea lights on the rotting wooden floor, but their flames were extinguished from an ominous breeze that came in through the broken window. I could barely see anything now. The door slid open, revealing nothing, no one. I wanted to pull the blankets over my head but soon found I could not. My hands and feet were bound to the bedposts.

Out of my peripheral vision, I could see something moving in the corner of the room—a distorted, human-shaped shadow. The shadow began to shake and morph into that of a half-human, half-spider creature. I opened my mouth to scream but could not find my voice. Panic arose within my chest as I lay shivering in the bed, moving my arms and legs desperately to break the ropes.

I lost the shadow for a few moments and only heard dead silence. I could not even hear my own breaths or heartbeats, although I knew that my very existence radiated panic. I felt rough hands gripping my ankles and screamed again with no sound. For a moment, I could see a pair of glowing red eyes at the foot of the bed, before I squeezed my eyes shut. When I opened my eyes again, the eyes were gone and I could no longer feel anything touching me.

It was now so dark that I could not see anything at all. I wondered briefly if I had become blind until it felt like spiders were crawling all over me. I struggled against the ropes once more and writhed in agony, desperate to become free.

The spider man materialized on top of me, grinning madly and baring his fangs. I made eye contact with him, seeing only evil in his otherwise empty, blood red eyes.

I think I blacked out for a while.

The sounds of the night and of the room returned and I was shivering on the floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed a rather regal looking man with fair skin and blood red eyes leaving the room, never directing his disturbing gaze away from me.

"Three jewel shards? From that puny thing?" healthy skepticism from Inuyasha, as always.

"Hey, it wasn't the smallest demon scorpion we've ever fought!" Classic Kagome.

Kohaku held out his hands, cupping three fragments of the sacred Shikon jewel. Inuyasha, Kagome (with Shippo on her shoulder), Miroku, Kagura and I gathered around him. Inuyasha carefully plucked one of the jewel shards from my brother's palm and inspected it.

"Take the win?" offered Miroku, picking up a second shard. "No idea how that demon wound up with three shards, but that's three less we need to look for."

"And three less that Naraku has," piped up Kagura.

"Nice job finishing that thing off, Sango," Inuyasha congratulated me as he handed the jewel shard to Kagome for safe keeping. Miroku and Kohaku followed suit.

"It was nothing. Kohaku and Kagura did most of the damage," I could feel a bashful smile forming on my face. "I just delivered the killing strike."

"Feels good to be back in action, doesn't it?" asked Inuyasha.

"Yes. It really does." The hanyou was not wrong.

"We should celebrate!" Kohaku exclaimed. "Our first successful mission together!"

"Agreed," said Miroku. "It shouldn't be too hard to get some kind of celebration going. The village headman will be happy that their scorpion problem is taken care of. I believe a reward for the honorable team that put a stop to it is in order."

Normally I would counter Miroku's tactics in trying to secure the spoils of our victory from the grateful yet unassuming village leaders. However, today just felt different. A celebration really did feel justified. I was beginning to feel generally good for the first time in months. It was particularly exhilarating to join a real fight on a real mission again, as well. Sparring with my friends could only do so much.

I was beginning to feel like a real warrior again. Sometimes.

We began our trek back to the village—a good half hour venture or so. Kohaku confidently led the way, walking with Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku, and Shippo. Kagura was somewhere in the middle and Kirara and I trailed behind. It was so wonderful to see my little brother assimilating so well into my group; Kagura, too. We already had such brilliant cohesion and it's only been a few months since we all came together.

Kohaku was getting better every day. For better and worse, by now he had regained the majority of his memories while he was under Naraku's spell. He spoke to me often about it, but I could tell he was cautious with his words. I saw so much of his old self yet so much more. I could say with confidence that I was quite proud of the man my younger brother was becoming. He was still a little sensitive and very thoughtful and intelligent, yet he has become so brave. I think Father would be proud of him, too. And Mother.

Kagura was an interesting addition to our group. She was still an outlier of sorts, but I can tell she had become curiously closer to Inuyasha of all people. He took the longest to fully trust her (and with good reason) and vice versa. At first, Inuyasha would only seek her out for any Naraku recon and information but that soon blossomed into a sparring partnership and then friendship. Kohaku remained the wind sorceress' main confidant, though. Next to me, of course.

She gave me space, at first. We remained friends through it all and I couldn't have wanted anything more. I'll never forget everything she had done for me. Kagura saved me. In more ways than one and more than a few times. I could not lie, however; there was still an odd energy between Kagura and I. The same energy that surrounded us the week we were alone at the castle, the same aura that was strongest at the secret waterfall and under the stars that one night…

We never talked about it. I always hoped she would be the one to bring it up, but she never did. It didn't matter anyway, I suppose. Miroku and I were not officially in any kind of established romantic relationship, but he was certainly trying. And so was I. It was just hard sometimes.

The nightmares made it hard. The memories. Things he never did. Things he would never do. Things that were not his fault and that I was slowly accepting were not my fault, either.

I think I loved him, though. As more than my friend. But I wouldn't say it. I think I said it once and only once. He said it a little more often than I did. I know it was genuine and it was nice, but I was so unsure sometimes. My body was finally healing but my heart and mind were still a mess most days, it felt like.

The vulture on my shoulder loved to tell me I wasn't good enough. The inner dialogue of mine echoed its disheartening sentiments. Kagome said I have depression and something that they call PTSD in her time. Talking to her and Kaede helps and I think the herbal remedies they found are helping, too. But some days, it's just that bad.

Luckily, today was not one of the bad days, though, in spite of the recurring nightmares. Kagome said those will go away at some point. One day I'll sleep through the night and one day I won't be so tense. I hated that. I have always been hypervigilant; it comes with the territory of a career in demon slaying. This was an entirely new level of hypervigilance, however. It was especially bad at night.

I have regained my desire to socialize, but I still prefer isolation. I'm working on that. I know it's not good for me, especially now. Especially at night. I hate being alone. I never used to be scared…

And I have no reason to be. My friends will protect me. My family will protect me. Miroku will protect me.

But I need to protect myself.

I still struggle with my falsely perceived notion of failure while I was held captive.

And it's not like Naraku is dead. He is still alive, somewhere… the presence of Miroku's wind tunnel confirms that. I can't help but wonder every day when we will run into him again. We have to. We must defeat him, no matter the cost.

I think it scares me the most that we have not seen or heard a single thing regarding our nemesis since the day Kagura and I escaped his clutches. Something is going on. It both angers and frightens me. Kagura and Kohaku escaped cursed lives of servitude. Kohaku still has that jewel shard in his back. It's the only thing keeping him alive. I'm so terrified that Naraku will come back for them.

I think I could defend them, though.

But I don't know that I could face Naraku alone, in any capacity. I hated admitting that.

I didn't want to fear him. I don't even think I did, not really. But then why did the mere remembrance of him nearly paralyze me for a second here or there? I wanted nothing more than to destroy that demon in the most inhumane, horrible, and graphic way possible. But I did not know how I would react to seeing him again.

I don't want to be afraid.

Kagura checked in with me about ten minutes before we reached the village. I secretly loved that she still looked after me like that, always silently observing in the background. We stayed behind just beyond the village entrance for a bit and allowed the rest of our group to go ahead. I assured the wind demon that all was well and I was just in my head, as usual. She took my hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze and told me she would always be here for me if I needed a friend. That was the most intimate conversation we'd had and the first time she's touched me in months.

I watched her walk into the village. She glanced over her shoulder at me once and smiled.

Spiders. It's always spiders. A tall spider man with candy-striped legs and blood red eyes.

And I can never scream.

And this time, there was a dungeon and a screaming woman…

"Sango?"

"Hmm?" I rubbed my eyes and turned my head. Miroku stood in the doorway.

"Enjoy your nap?" he asked with a smile.

"Eh… define 'enjoy'…" I raised my arms above my head and stretched, knowing that I had slept too deeply. My body felt too heavy, my limbs all stiff and uncomfortable. The usual tension in my neck and shoulders was particularly bad today, even before my nap.

"I'm sorry, dear," said Miroku. He took a seat beside me. "Are you still feeling up for the celebration later? I've spoken with the headman and he was more than happy to allow us a few extra nights at this inn, free of charge. He's also given us free reign of the tavern a few buildings down."

A drink did sound quite nice right now… In retrospect, over the past two months or so, I've drank more alcohol more regularly than I ever have. Kagome mentioned it to me once, but I assured her I was being careful. I don't think I ever got drunk besides the time I found the liquor cabinet at the castle. I had no desire to repeat that experience whatsoever, just for the sake of avoiding a hangover alone.

"So… are you still in?" asked Miroku. He carefully placed his hand over mine and looked at me, excitement and adoration in his dark blue eyes and a joyful and surprisingly innocent smile on his face.

"Alright," I laughed. "Where's the bar?"