A/N: I know this is super short, but the next chapter is almost done so I might be able to post that later tonight.
I'm so happy you liked the proposal! I loved writing it. They both deserve all the love and happiness in the world.
Sooo, that's why I'm particularly sorry about this.
The need for a bigger apartment became quite stressfully clear when one week after Christmas, eight adults and three children were gathered around Olivia's dining table.
Social distancing was definitely a thing in the past.
"So, who's ready for 2021 to be over?" Carisi said as he raised his glass.
Nicole slapped his arm playfully. "It wasn't all bad, was it?"
"No, it wasn't." He grinned, leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.
The captain pursed her lips as she caught herself watching Amanda to see if the blonde had any reaction to her once almost boyfriend being so affectionate with another woman. But Amanda just smiled and didn't look bothered at all.
Since when did I become the jealous girlfriend?
"Do we have a wedding to look forward to in 2022?" Phoebe asked while looking from one woman to the other.
"I don't know. Do we?" Olivia turned and looked at the blonde detective.
"If we can decide on who's gonna wear what."
It had been one of the first things Amanda had said about the wedding. Sprawled out on the couch, with the kids busy playing with their Christmas gifts.
"I can't wait to see you in a wedding dress" She said as she studied the ring on her finger, her eyes still a little glossy with happy tears.
"No… No, I'm too old."
"What? Bullshit."
"You wear the dress, and I'll wear a white suit."
"What if I want to wear a suit?"
"But you would look so gorgeous in a white, lace dress. Or maybe ivory. You would look like heaven in ivory." The brunette smiled before kissing her girlfriend, now fiancée, on the top of her head.
"You've thought about this." Amanda said with a playful smile on her face.
"I've been thinking about our wedding since Rome." Olivia admitted.
"Really? Why Rome?"
"In the park, when you were playing with that dog."
Amanda immediately looked at Frannie with worried eyes. "It meant nothing."
The brunette chuckled. "You looked so happy and cute, and I just knew."
"That?"
"That the only thing I wanted was to marry you."
"Well, you can wear matching tracksuits for all I care, I can't wait." Phoebe smiled.
Olivia didn't know when, but at some point the conversation around the dining table had turned into this weird buzzing sound in her ears. It had happened more and more lately, ever since she went back to work. She would simply zone out, and her mind would go completely blank. No flashbacks or suppressed memories, no stressful thoughts or painful emotions, just blank, nothing.
A couple of weeks before Christmas she had been forced to ask a defense attorney to repeat his question three times during her testimony, even though the courtroom was mostly dead silent. Carisi had looked at her with worried eyes, but when he asked her about it during a break, she had quickly shut him down with a simple "migraines."
She moved a little closer to Amanda and whispered. "Can you take care of the dessert? I just need a minute."
"You ok?" The blonde mouthed.
"Yeah, yeah, all good."
Only when she closed the bathroom door behind her did she notice how her hands were shaking.
She stared at them for a couple of seconds before her stomach suddenly turned and she barely made it over to the toilet before what little she had been able to eat for dinner came pouring out.
In between two gags, she reached for the sink and fumbled to get the water running to cover up the sounds her body was making. When it was finally over, she slumped down on the bathroom floor and breathed heavily through her nose.
She felt her eyes getting heavy and wondered for a second if anyone would even miss her if she just slept through the rest of the night.
So tired. So fucking tired.
"Liv, it's me."
Shit. The soft knock on the door pulled her out of her current state of exhaustion.
"Give me a second."
She hastily flushed the toilet, opened the cabinet and grabbed the mouthwash and filled her mouth with the blue liquid. She quickly washed her hands and checked her makeup before she spit the mouthwash out, rinsed the sink and opened the door.
"You sure you're ok? You look a little pale."
"I just got a little lightheaded, that's all. Probably drank my champagne too fast."
"Ok, do you want to go lay down for a while?"
"What? No, I... we have guests. I'll be out in a minute."
Amanda leaned in to kiss her on the cheek and Olivia silently prayed that she couldn't smell the real reason for her lengthy visit to the bathroom.
When she was alone again, she let her forehead rest against the door.
What the fuck is happening to me?
With her heart still pounding in her chest, Olivia checked her make up one last time before she exited the bathroom.
"I'm putting Billie down for the night. If you hurry you might get to taste the panna cotta you made before Sonny eats all of it." Amanda said before leaning in for a quick kiss.
But Olivia didn't want panna cotta. Or more champagne. Or fireworks. She wanted to be left alone, pull the covers over her head and sleep. Just sleep.
She leaned tiredly against the countertop in her kitchen as she watched the people in her living room.
Happy, excited, in love.
Nicole was laughing at Carisi who was currently being covered in party hats and different New Years decorations by Noah and Jesse. Kat was busy showing some funny video to Fin and Phoebe and the sergeant was clearly not getting the joke, making the two women laugh even harder.
Normally all of this would make Olivia smile. Her heart would be full of joy and pride, and gratefulness for the people in her life, the family she had always longed to be a part of.
So why do I feel so empty?
"Feliz 2022, hermosa." Rafael Barba said as he bumped his shoulder into hers.
She forced a smile and looked at him. "Happy New Year, Rafa."
"You good? You look a little…"
Damaged? Broken? Wrecked? Any word will do, Rafa.
"tired."
"I'm fine. First dinner party since before covid, I guess I'm just off my game."
"How's it been going back to work?"
Awful. I hate it. I hate everything.
"Fine."
"That's a lot of fine, Liv."
Fuck you, Barba.
"You know what? Let's not talk about me. How was Europe?"
"Fine." He said with a smug look on his face. "Madeira is beautiful. You should visit with Amanda on your next vacation. Or honeymoon?"
"Maybe." Olivia said with a slightly wistful smile.
Two hours later, she found herself on the roof with Amanda, Kat, Fin and Phoebe. The rest of the party either sleeping or following the celebrations on the TV.
She closed her eyes as she wrapped her arms around Amanda and felt the cold winter air fill her lungs. The blonde leaned back against her and the sweet and simple intimacy was almost, just almost, enough to make her forget about her inner turmoil.
"I'm sorry." Olivia whispered against Amanda's ear.
"For what?" Amanda asked, sounding confused and a little worried.
"For being so off tonight."
The blonde detective turned around in her arms and stared at her. "Are you sure you're ok?"
"I am now."
And for a short moment, she believed it. Looking into those blue eyes that brought so much love and safety, she managed to convince herself that she was ok. They had survived a year of so much tragedy, and they were still here. In love, engaged, together.
Somewhere in the distance, she could hear people chanting.
"8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
With Olivia's lips pressed against hers, as the sound of fireworks filled the space around and between them, Amanda melted into the moment, and in the back of her mind one thought kept repeating itself.
We made it. I think we made it.
Three months later, she would look back at that moment and ask herself over and over again how she could've been so completely oblivious to what was going on. With her hands gripping the steering wheel and tears running down her face, she would ask herself how she, a trained senior detective, Olivia's girlfriend, had failed to notice the most basic signs that something, everything, was terribly wrong.
A/N: You will hate me.