Desideratum

Chapter 33

It was late when Marinette came home that night, and she was surprised to find the lights still on and the house still flooded with laughter. Cadence came bounding down the stairs just as she rounded the corner, and she swept him into her arms with a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eyes.

"Just where do you think you're going?" she asked.

The boy laughed.

"Isn't it past your bedtime?" she pressed, amused.

Cadence grinned, before proclaiming, "I'm hungry."

"Cadence, please," the dark scoffed, rolling her eyes as she placed him down on his feet. "Be more inventive. I've heard that one too many times." With her hand on his back, she led him back upstairs, pausing once they hit the landing and stumbled across a confused Luka. "I thought I told you to go to bed," he said, frowning down at Cadence.

"You can't just tell him," Marinette replied jokingly, "You have to force him. You have to tuck him in—to tie him to the bed if necessary!"

Cadence laughed, releasing a loud squeal and ducking into his room when she reached down and began to tickle him. Making his way straight to the bed with a large grin on his face, he jumped in and slipped underneath the covers, watching as his mother followed in his footsteps to take a seat beside him.

"You want to know the real reason why I didn't want to go to sleep?" he asked.

Marinette nodded. "Go on, surprise me."

His grin widened. "I wanted to see you."

She smiled. "Cute, I'll give you that, but hopeless."

He laughed. "Seriously, now, Mom. I miss you. You're not even there to bug me to write my homework anymore."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," she said, genuinely regretful, as she brushed a lock of dark hair away from his face. "I'll finish this project soon. And once it's done, it's done. Everything will go back to normal. Besides, I've only been missing out on bugging you to do your homework for two days."

"Well, yeah, but—"

"You know what?" she interrupted, poking his forehead. "You're spoiled. That's your problem." Bending down, she kissed his cheek. "You're spoiled."

Cadence laughed. "I love you, Mom," he proclaimed, somewhat proudly.

Her eyes softened. "I love you, too."

Time passed, and Luka met her downstairs. There was a gentle smile on his face as he tugged her in his arms, and she sagged against him, burying her face into his chest and inhaling his familiar scent. While Marinette had been more than happy with her life before, she couldn't deny the sense of comfort and well-being that rushed through her veins and enveloped her whole when she came home to Luka—not just to her child, but to her family.

"Rough day?" Luka murmured, his voice slightly muffled against her dark hair, as he ran a hand up and down her back. She had to fight her eyes from closing, but she managed a nod without effort.

He kissed her temple. "Want to go to sleep?"

Marinette shook her head. "Not yet."

Luka's lips curled into a grin against her skin. "Cuddle?" he suggested.

She smiled. "Yes," she answered, and before she even knew what happened, he had bent down and grasped her underneath her knees, lifting her up into his arms. She let out a small squeal at the abrupt movement, but wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled into his shoulder.

Reaching the living room, he lowered her onto the couch, supporting his body with his hands as he held himself above her to kiss her. "Chocolate or tea?" he asked.

She pecked his lips. "Tea."

He grinned, and with one last kiss, straightened and left the room.

In his absence, Marinette made herself comfortable, disposing of her shoes and curling up with her legs underneath her. He came back after a couple of minutes with two mugs of tea in his hands; he wrapped his arms around her and inhaled the aroma of her hair, and suddenly nothing made more sense in the world than that—than the two of them, together.

They remained wrapped up in each other for a long time, simply cuddling, sharing kisses and enjoying each other's presence. Few words were spoken, and Marinette caught herself thinking once or twice that it was the perfect way to fall asleep—warm and comfortable and safe in his overpowering presence.

"Marinette," he whispered at a certain point, breaking the silence with his serious tone. "I need to know something."

The atmosphere changed in an instant, and the dark was tempted to interrupt him, to change the subject before he could even open it, but she knew there were questions she still had to answer. She was still confident in the decision she had made, regardless of where she was now, and she had nothing to hide.

"Go ahead," she encouraged with a nod, sneaking out of his embrace and leaning over to place her almost empty mug of tea on the coffee table. Luka hesitated, lips twisting as he stared down at his hands, hugging his own warm mug. "When you left… did you know you were pregnant?"

She shook her head. "No," she said, and rested her arm on the back of the couch. "I found out about a month after we divorced."

"If…" He abruptly stopped. A silent battle seemed to take place in his mind, before it was won. "If you had known beforehand…" He raised his head to look at her in the eye. "Would it have changed anything? Would it have changed your decision?"

Marinette swallowed. "I don't know, Luka," she whispered. She wanted to say yes—she wanted to say yes with every fiber of her being. Because, still, every fiber of her being wished there was something that could have been done to stop their separation. Every fiber of her being wished that her memories would have worsened with time—wished reality hadn't been as harsh. "It's hard to say, but… Remember that morning? When you came home the night before, I'd already made my decision. I'd already promised myself I would leave—because our relationship was killing all that was left of me. But that morning… I got sick. I threw up, remember?"

"Yes," he answered, his voice tight. "That's why… that's why I asked."

She nodded. "Your phone rang. You went to answer it. Then you came back saying that you're sorry, that if I'm alright, that you're sorry again… but that you need to leave."

Luka felt as though the world had collapsed in on itself and buried him whole. He couldn't even breathe properly. What had he done?

"It could have been the pregnancy," she tried to reason. "The hormones are acting up. The mood-swings starting. Maybe it was that that made me emotional. But at that moment…" She shook her head. "At that moment, I realized I was doing the right thing. It was the first time that I had you in front of me and that I felt, truly felt, I would be better off without you. I had no other choice. There was nothing left that we could have saved from our relationship." Her eyes were covered with a thin sheen of tears when she briefly glanced at him, before quickly looking back down to hide her reaction. "To answer your question… looking back at that moment, I think I would have left anyway. Honestly speaking."

He exhaled heavily, running his hands forcefully through his hair as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. Marinette smiled sadly and ran her hand over the nape of his neck in an effort to relax him. "But that's all in the past now," she whispered.

"When you found out you were pregnant…" He stopped. He couldn't continue. He looked up at her from under his bangs pleadingly, his eyes encouraging her, begging her to go on.

She took a moment to choose her words. "I was… confused, at first. I almost couldn't believe what was happening. Not because I didn't want him, but because… it was a bit cruel," she admitted, shrugging one shoulder lightly. "But… but I loved him. In that instant, when I found out he was inside me… I loved him. And I swore I would protect him"

"Did it never occur to you to come back home, to me?" he asked, involuntarily accusing, as he straightened.

"No," she answered. "No, Luka, that was not an option."

He swallowed. "Was I…?"

"No, Luka, it was more than that. It took everything of me to leave you. And if I came back, I would never have the courage to do it again. It would have taken all of me—all of us—to try to salvage a relationship that I wasn't even sure could be salvaged, and I couldn't afford that time when I had a child to raise."

"Marinette…"

"You know what I went through when I was a child—the insecurity I felt. If I came back here, I had no idea what would happen. How Cadence's future would look like… everything was unsure. And I didn't want that for him."

"How could you think of him?" he asked, eyes searching hers, tormented. "Where did you find the strength to—"

"You do," she answered, simply, reaching out to cup his face into her hands. "You find it. When there's no other choice… I know you'd also do anything for Cadence."

"That… that's different," he said. "The entire situation is different."

Marinette huffed and shook her head. "Why are we talking about these things now? They don't matter anymore."

Yet his eyes continued to beg her to speak. Heaving a sigh, she shifted closer and curled up beside him, burying her face into the crook of his neck and pressing a soft kiss to his skin. Luka was tense for a moment, before his larger frame molded to hers, his arms coming to wrap around her.

"It was worth it," she said. "It was hard at times, but… but it was worth it."

He kissed the top of her head, inhaling her soft scent.

"I threw up a lot. And I ate… everything weird. The grossest combinations, I would want at four am, I swear." She rolled her eyes at the memory. "And I ate so many blueberries. It was crazy."

The corners of his lips turned up and his chest rumbled with a quiet chuckle, making her smile.

"Then he came along and there were the sleepless nights and everything you see on TV or read about in magazines… and it was tiring. But then all I had to do was look down into my arms… and everything was suddenly alright in the world."

Resting his temple against hers, he whispered, "I'm sorry."

She kissed his collarbone.

"I should have been there, Marinette. I should have been there to make you the grossest combinations at four am and to eat blueberries with you and to hold your hair back when you threw up…"

"You're here now," she interrupted him, pulling back to look at him reassuringly in the eye. "You're here now. That's all that matters."