Thank you to the beta of this chapter- songofstars

Chapter Thirty Four – Ocean Of Memories

If you look up the definition of the word pain, it would describe it as a localized or generalized unpleasant bodily sensation or complex of sensations that causes mild to severe physical discomfort. Whoever wrote that shit clearly never felt pain before because right, now Harry felt like he was in the deep depths of hell.

The time that Hermione got a paper cut in between her fingers came to mind, she said it was the worst pain she ever felt, Ron chimed in, saying that the worse pain was stepping on a Lego with your bare feet. They had nothing on this, even the Cruciatus Curse had nothing on the pain Harry was feeling right now. Harry would give anything for Voldermort to cast the Cruciatus on his body again, the Cruciatus was like a walk in the park to what Harry was going through.

Right now, Harry felt like his entire body was dipped into boiling lava and then impaled on a pike that had small razor sharp spikes protruding from it, not to mention the barbed wire that felt like it was tightly wrapped around his body.

Beads of sweat dripped down Harry's forehead as he was curled up on the couch, praying for the sweet release of death. Once the hour hit, Harry regretted his decision about not taking his potions, when the second hour hit, he wanted to beg Snape for the potions but he was stubborn as always and he didn't want to give Snape the satisfaction of winning. But once two hours and thirty minutes came along, Harry couldn't hold back the cry that escaped his lips. It felt like someone took a red hot knife and jammed it into his stomach and then started twisting it.

Severus was enjoying one of his many books when he heard the cry that Harry tried to suppress. "Ready to take your potions?" Severus said casually, not even bothering to look up from the pages of his book.

"Screw you!" Harry yelled out, clutching his teeth as another wave of pain washed over him "This is happening because of you!"

"I beg your pardon?" Severus snapped before slamming his book shut. "You were the one who refused your potions, after I told you what was going to happen," Severus explained "You did this to yourself, now do you want your potions? Or do you plan on suffering for a little bit longer to prove a point?"

"You weren't supposed to save me! I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for you sticking your giant nose into things that doesn't concern you!" Harry yelled.

Severus pressed his lips together until they turned white before standing up and roughly grabbing Harry by the upper arm and pulling him up to his feet. "You need a reality check," Severus snarled as he dragged Harry to the floo, and flooed to the Headmaster office.

Severus let out a small sigh of relief when Albus appeared not to be in his office. He dragged Harry to the pensive before tossing him up against the wall. "You are going to stand here and watch and then we will have a talk," Severus yelled, taking his wand out and detecting the memory.

Harry watched as a bright silver stream of light came out of Severus temple and tossed it into the pensive.

"Watch," Severus ordered.

Harry shuffled his way over to the pensive, gripping the sides hard as he dipped his face into the liquid. He watched as the black smoke turned into an image of his Professor laying in bed as a pounding could be heard along with shouts that Harry couldn't make out. Harry watched as his Professor made his way out of bed and out into the chambers, freezing in place when he caught sight of his motionless body laying on his private potion lab floor.

Harry watched on in shock as his Professor bolted towards him, sliding on his knees next to his body, pushing aside the several vials he had taken moments ago. He watched as Severus tried to relieve him with a bezoar only for it to turn to dust within his mouth.

Harry couldn't stop the tears that flowed down his cheeks as he watched his friends enter, watching as Hermione screamed at the sight of him. He watched as Ron was instructed to grab the plastic tubing and watched as it was inserted into his nose as his friend held him down.

His friends should have never seen what he did, they should have never had to partake in saving his life. They would remember this moment for years to come, the memory would be seared into their brains.

Harry wanted out of these memories, he didn't want to watch anymore, he didn't want to see what he did. Harry tried to leave but as he did he was pushed further into the memories until he was watching himself being laid down on one of Poppy's hospital beds in a private room.

Harry was forced to watch in horror as his stomach got pumped, watching as Snape and Poppy had to restart his heart several times. Harry watched as his body went into a seizure, his body shaking uncontrollably, watched as Snape and Poppy held him down to prevent him from banging his head off the metal bars of the bed.

"Snape! Get me outta here now!" Harry screamed "I don't want to watch this...please…..SNAPE!" Harry screamed even louder and after he did he could feel himself being pulled out of the memory until he was face to face with Snape, tears streaming down his face.

"Let's have a talk now," Severus said coldly as he grabbed Harry by the collar of his shirt. "You know what would have happened if you succeeded in your little plan? In case it slipped your mind, the Dark Lord is out there and if you succeeded in killing yourself that night, he would have won. What do you think would have happened to your little friends once you were gone? Do you think the Dark Lord would have let them live? No, he would have tortured them into insanity, until they begged for death."

"I'm sorry!" Harry cried. "I didn't think about what…I just wanted it to stop…I..."

"You're right, you didn't think!" Severus shouted, cutting Harry off in mid sentence. "You have no clue what you put your friends through, what they would have gone through. Do you realize how hard it would have been for them to find out that you died?" Severus yelled.

It was clear that Severus was taking this personally, but Harry could not have known just how personally. He could not have known that his mother was a close friend of Severus, his only friend. He could not have known that though Severus treated him more like James; inwardly, Severus was starting to see Harry as more like Lily. How could Harry possibly know that his death would bring the memory of his mother's death back to the foreground in an ocean of memories Severus kept hidden from everyone?

"We are going to go back to my chambers and you are going to take your potions. Is that understood?" Severus snarled.

Harry took in a shaky breath as he gave a small nod in understanding. He followed silently as Severus led the way back to the chambers. It was good that Harry was behind, for there, he was unable to see a few silent tears on his Professor's face.