[summary] Lily/James - B99!AU - Well, this year's Hallowe'en Heist is taking place at Easter, for obvious reasons. (Based on the Heist in season 7)

A/N - Written for Hogwarts Assignment 7, Mythology, Task 9

Warnings: Mentions of vomit/ing

The precinct is packed with people hopping about in giant bunny costumes, each wearing a little blue vest and oversized glasses. Why, might you ask? Because it is the annual Hallowe'en Heist! Where the entire precinct competes to see who is left standing with the three plastic gems at the end of the day.

How do the bunnies come into it? Well, this year's Hallowe'en Heist is taking place at Easter, for obvious reasons.

.oOo.

"Drumroll, please!" James shouts, standing with his arms spread wide at the front of the briefing room.

Lily turns to Marlene as Sirius begins to drum his hands against the desk. "Hallowe'en Heist," she says with a grin. "We teaming up again?" Lily has had her plan for this year's Heist mapped out for months, but she needs another person to help.

"Are you mad?" Marlene snaps, earning a glare from both James and Sirius. In a more subdued tone, she continues, "Last time you drugged my yogurt."

"Okay, first of all," Lily says, "I didn't drug you, it was just a few sleeping pills." Marlene rolls her eyes, huffing. "And secondly, I meant to drug Remus. That wouldn't have happened if you didn't go around stealing people's food."

The room has silenced at some point, and Lily's eyes flick awkwardly to the front where James is glaring daggers at her.

"Babe, this is the most important day of my life, could you please pay attention."

"I'd have thought that was our wedding, but sure," Lily says, gesturing for him to continue.

James stares at her for a moment, clearly flummoxed. "No, that pales in comparison." He shakes his head. "It's like you don't even know me."

Once James is adequately distracted by his own build-up speech — which, admittedly, doesn't take long — Lily turns back to Marlene. "So, partners?"

"No!" Marlene hisses. "I'm not even taking part this year."

Lily's eyes narrow; this is likely a ruse. It's happened before. People claim they're not participating, and then swoop in at the end with a manic laugh to explain their diabolical plan. Well, Lily for one is not falling for it.

A hand painted banner falls from the ceiling, the words HALLOWEE'N HEIST painted in bright, glittery colours.

"It's the Hallowe'en Heist!" James proclaims proudly, a grin splitting his face in two.

Lily cannot help herself. "You know that's not where the apostrophe goes, right?"

James turns to the sign, open-mouthed. "Sirius!"

"You ungrateful bastard," Sirius grouses. "I spent bloody ages on that."

.oOo.

Lily stares at the handcuffs attaching her to Sirius. "This was not part of my plan," she mutters.

"It's not like I wanted to be clapped in handcuffs either, Evans," he snaps.

"Oh, I knew about the handcuffs," Lily says smugly. "Who do you think planted the idea in James' head?"

"So then what's the issue?" he asks. "Alice and Remus are stuck in the bathroom 'cause Alice isn't feeling well, Marlene said she's not playing, Frank didn't have a partner, Dorcas and Peter —"

"Exactly!" Lily hisses. "Where are Dorcas and Peter?" She turns to Sirius, their arms awkwardly twisting where they are locked together, and begins counting off on her fingers. "I knew whoever got stuck with Alice would be useless; she can't keep her head out of the toilet long enough to do anything — she's pregnant, by the way."

"Should you be telling me that?"

Lily ignores him. "James and Captain Moody seem like the perfect team, but they'll be trying to one-up each other constantly; they'll sabotage their own plans." She frowns. "I still think Marlene's up to something, but Frank's too busy trying to unattach Remus from his wife to be any trouble."

She folds her arms across her chest triumphantly, accidentally dragging Remus towards her; the resulting kerfuffle has them both slamming into the window viewing the main area of the precinct.

Her face is pressing against the glass when she sees smoke beginning to fill the next room. "Someone's up to something," she hisses, her eyes narrowing. "Keep your eyes open."

The smoke stings her eyes as soon as she pulls open the break room door, and both she and Sirius erupt into fits of hacking coughs. But still, she will not be deterred.

Dragging a reluctant Sirius, who's more deadweight than anything, behind her, Lily stumbles her way to the centre of the room, crashing into James and Captain Moody.

The smoke starts to clear quickly — too quickly. Someone has opened a window.

"Really, guys, this is not good for you," Alice says, still pale, but nowhere near as sickly looking as Remus.

"You alright, mate?" Sirius calls.

Remus shakes his head. "Can't deal with vomit."

Lily is expecting James to come up with some retort, something about how Remus and Alice aren't going to win, how they should just give up. He never misses a chance to get in a good jibe, particularly not during the Heist.

"Open your mouth," Lily says, dragging Sirius' arm along with hers as she points at James.

"You have two hands," Sirius snaps.

"He's got them in his mouth!" she shouts, shaking both Sirius' and her arm about as she gestures enthusiastically.

James chokes, eyes watering. "No there not."

Moody closes his eye, inhaling deeply. Lily has never seen someone so visibly wordlessly count to ten before. "You swallowed the gems, didn't you?" he asks.

"Technically," James says slowly, "that means I win."

.oOo.

"There really should not be so many of you in here," a harried Nurse Pomfrey says, staring in bewilderment at all the police officers crowding around her.

"Will he live?" Sirius asks.

"I say we cut them out of him!" Lily says, glaring daggers at her husband.

"Ah, there's no need for surgery," Nurse Pomfrey hurries to say. "They should pass through him naturally."

Someone giggles; Lily suspects it was Frank.

.oOo.

"Alright!" James says enthusiastically. "Hallowe'en Heist on Valentines Day!"

Marlene groans, sliding down in her chair and glaring up at the ceiling. "Why are we still on this?" Lily does not buy the act for a second.

.oOo.

Pink and red heart-shaped confetti rains down from the ceiling, coating the entire precinct.

Lily, Sirius, James, and Moody are each on their hands and knees, grasping about for the plastic gems buried in the sparkly chaos.

"Aha!" Sirius shouts, holding a fist up triumphantly, dragging Lily's arm along with his, three somewhat faded gems grasped tightly in his hand.

"Give them to me!" James shouts, tackling his friend, their superior officer, Captain Moody, helping to pin Sirius down and keep Lily from helping.

Sirius shuffles around, awkwardly curling himself over their joint hands.

James and Captain Moody back away, and Lily groans when she is given a clear view of Sirius.

.oOo.

"Are you sure you're police officers?" Nurse Pomfrey asks, staring at a scan of the inside of Sirius' stomach. The three plastic gems are clearly visible.

"I'm sure these kind of mishaps happen all the time," Sirius says with a self-depriciating grin.

"No," she says, "they really don't."

.oOo.

"Hallowe'en Heist on Valentines Day at Easter!" James crows.

"I'm taking this one out," Alice says, hands resting on her pregnant belly.

"Alright, Remus is disqualified," James says.

"How is that fair?" Remus shouts. "I should get a new partner!"

Lily shakes her head. "They've gotta be of equal skill." Lily points an accusing finger at Alice. "She's been pretty much useless for the last two Heists."

"You are just as far along as I am!"

"The difference, Alice," Lily says, "is that I am no quitter."

"Alright, alright, that's enough!" James shouts, for possibly the first time in his life acting as the voice of reason. "Remus, you're with Frank."

.oOo.

"Why are we wearing bunny costumes again?" Sirius asks, his words muffled by the giant fuzzy bunny head he's wearing.

Lily rolls her eyes. "How many times do we have to go over this?" she snaps. "James and Captain Moody are dressing in these exact costumes as a part of their plan."

"Right, yes," Sirius says, "and you know this how?"

"James keeps a pretty comprehensive diary."

"I don't think I like Heist-Lily."

She ignores that comment. This is the Hallowe'en Heist; they're here to win, not to make friends. "They're on the move!" she shouts, dragging Sirius along behind her as bunnies flood into the precinct from all directions. "We need to find bunny-James and bunny-Captain Moody!"

Most of the bunnies are around the same height, so they need to move quickly before anyone notices how short Lily is. At least the costume hides her pregnancy; that would have been a dead giveaway.

Remus, also dressed in an identical bunny costume, appears in an adjacent hallway. He's only identifiable because he's dragging Frank, who is not in costume, along the floor behind him. But Lily doesn't have the time to wonder what on earth those two have been up to, because she's just spied James and Captain Moody running towards the roof.

By the time they make it onto the roof, there are seven bunnies and Frank standing in a loose semicircle.

"Who has the gems?" Sirius asks.

One of the bunnies raises a fist, holding up three white plastic gems. Lily narrows her eyes, trying to work out who is inside the costume.

Lily pulls off her bunny head; the heat of the costume has left her sweating, her red curls in complete disarray.

Five bunnies of roughly equal size stand opposite her and Sirius. Remus is easy enough to tell apart, given that he is still attached to Frank, who is at least on his feet now.

The bunny attached to the one with the gems, holds up three more gems, these with the colours slightly faded. And then, in their clasped hands, they hold up three more gems, these in perfect condition.

Peter and Dorcas pull off their bunny heads.

"Three time winners, baby!" Dorcas crows, giving Peter an awkward high-five, given that they are still cuffed together and each holding the plastic gems.

.oOo.

The squad sit together in the pub across the road from the precinct, all facing Peter and Dorcas who are each wearing a plastic crown.

"So I'm sure you want to hear all about our diabolical plan!" Peter says with a mischeivious grin.

"How'd you know about the bunny costumes?" Lily asks.

Dorcas smirks. "You're not the only one who can read James' secret diary," she says.

"That is a gross invasion of privacy!" James shouts, glaring between his wife and coworker.

"I cannot believe you wrote down the plan," Captain Moody grouses, glaring at his Heist partner. "You're fired."

"You can't fire me for that!"

"Suspended," he amends. "Without pay." Lily isn't entirely sure he's joking.

Remus raises his beer bottle. "To our three-time winners!" he shouts. "May we crush them both next year!"

"To the Heist!" the rest of the squad shouts, each raising their own drinks.

Lily takes a sip or her orange juice. "Remus?" she asks, leaning over to hear him better over the noise of the squad. "How'd you know abot the bunny costumes?"

He grins. "Who d'you think suggested the waistcoats and glasses?"

Lily nods sagely, hiding her answering smile in the rim of her glass. "They do make them look more distinguished."