I had shared beds before, at various times in my life: during giggling sleepovers with the occasional friend or cousin; when Mother would sleep by my side after a nightmare; or even once with Inigo, when the Bannered Mare had only had one available. But never before had I shared a bed like this — the feather-cushioned expanse turned into a private, shared space, no longer a place of endings but of beginnings. Never before had I woken to the unfamiliar and delicious sensation of warm arms wrapped around me. Never before had I woken feeling so completely a different person than the day before.
"Good morning," Felix said. He kissed my hair, then trailed a calloused finger down my cheek and along my jaw.
I wriggled to press my back more firmly into his broad chest. "Mm. It certainly is." Though Mara's mercy, I hadn't expected to feel so sore. It was a strange, almost delicious kind of ache, akin to that after sitting on a horse for the first time after a long period out of the saddle. I stifled a giggle. I supposed the comparison was rather apt.
"What is it?"
"Nothing," I said, squirming under the covers to turn and face him. "Just thinking about horses."
Felix let out a loud bark of laughter, startling Meeko awake, who had been snoozing at the foot of the bed. "Ha! Girls and their horses. It's all Mina seems to think about lately, too. Though gotta say, if you're looking for a ride …" His warm eyes suddenly burned fiery hot, and a hand pushed hard against the small of my back to bring my body to his. I melted against him. One finger lifted my chin and we kissed — deeply, passionately, furiously — and then he'd rolled onto his back, bringing me with him as though I weighed no more than a porcelain doll. I straddled his hips, gasping as his lips moved to my neck and his rough-soft fingers flitted over my skin. My own fingers tightened in his hair and there was nothing, nothing but Felix. Nothing mattered but him, nothing existed but us in this perfect moment; nothing in my life could ever have prepared me for this — this secret hidden doorway which now that I'd stepped through I never wanted to close again.
"I love you," he whispered into my hair as we lay tangle-legged in the tangled sheets. I shivered, the words at once a feather's caress and an explosion of fireworks.
"I love you too." How could three small syllables feel so very large? I couldn't understand it. Didn't want to understand it — it didn't matter, not when Felix's broad hands were hot against my skin, and his heady scent filled my nostrils.
I sighed, and planted a light kiss in the centre of his chest. His hairs tickled my nose.
"Mm. That feels nice, Kiri."
"Kirilee," I corrected him drowsily.
"Sorry. I forgot. I'm used to using nicknames, after …"
"After what?"
"Well. This." He shifted a little.
Suddenly I was wide awake. "You've … done this before."
"You mean you haven't?"
I tensed at the surprise in his voice. "No. I've had a few informal courtships, and stolen more than a few kisses, but never …"
My stomach twisted. Though I knew there ought to be no shame in the admission, I couldn't help the brief flare of — was it shame? Or envy, or even jealousy? Was I disappointed not to be Felix's first, as he was mine? It was a confusing knot of emotions, one I didn't have time to untangle, as Felix propped himself up on one arm and said, "Ah. Well, I suppose it would probably be different for a duke's firstborn, wouldn't it. Not proper, and all that?"
"Well — yes — there is that —" The mention of my parentage on top of my already muddled emotions made me feel even more wrong-footed. Felix didn't seem to sense my discomfort, however, and barrelled on while trailing a lazy finger up and down my side.
"What — what was it like, actually? Not the romantic stuff, I mean. Or not just. What was it like to grow up like that? All those riches and finery … did you live in a castle, or a palace? Did you have servants? Do the other nobles all treat them miserably? I guess it's no surprise Inigo said you couldn't cook — you probably had all tha—"
"I don't want to talk about it, all right?" I snapped.
Felix's finger stopped moving. He blinked at me in shock.
"I'm — I'm sorry," I said, trying to calm myself. "I just … I don't like to. Talk about it much. Or think about it. I don't want you to think of me that way. I'm … I just want to be me. Kirilee. Especially after …"
Felix's eyebrows knitted. "But I told you. I don't think you're like them. You're different."
"Please, just — just don't bring it up. That's not who I want to be, with you. You know, now. Can't just knowing it be enough? Please?"
His eyes softened, and he stroked my hair. "Of course. I'm sorry. I won't bring it up unless you do. And you're right, if it's still a secret from everyone else, mayhap it's best not to dwell on it. I'll be satisfied with being one of the few who knows the secret at all."
"Thank you. But Felix …" I took a deep breath. "That reminds me. We didn't really have … time … to talk about it last night, but I need to tell you. That's … not the only secret."
"Oh? What else is there? Is Inigo royalty too?" He chuckled.
"That's the other thing. I can't tell you. I'm sorry."
He stiffened. "Why not?"
"To … keep you safe. I promise, I swear on Mother Mara Herself, it's nothing to do with you, or with us. You have to trust me. One day, I'll tell you. But I can't yet. I just can't. I'm sorry. Trust me, please."
I stared into his dark eyes, begging him, pleading him to understand. I couldn't tell him about the work I did for Viarmo. I couldn't tell him about the Aedra and Daedra. I couldn't.
His breath had caught, and he held it for what felt like an eternity as he looked into my eyes, face blank. Finally he relaxed with a great sigh. His hand moved behind my head and he pulled it forward, laying a kiss on my forehead.
"Okay," he said. "I trust you. I wish I could … but if you say you can't, I believe you."
"I love you," I said, the words sparkling against my lips. I didn't think I'd ever get used to the way they felt.
Felix's breath stirred my hair; its warmth eddied against my scalp. "I love you too."
Little though we both wanted to, soon after we had to drag ourselves out of bed and into the rest of the day. Felix was already late for work, but said with an embarrassed grin that he didn't think Corpulus would mind too much, while I had to learn my long-neglected healing spell in time for my training with Danica the next day.
Thank you, Mother Mara, I whispered in my heart as I closed the door behind him after a final, drawn-out kiss. My fingers moved to the amulet around my neck, warm to the touch. Thank you. Truly there is no greater gift than love.
After a few moments spent leaning against the door, my heart full to overflowing, I sighed and turned my attention to my healing spell. Other than the hour spent in a still-husky singing lesson with Master Ateia I spent the whole day studying, but was so distracted that by the time I was due to head down to the Skeever I still hadn't mastered it. My evening there was … also distracted.
"It is amazing what a show you two are putting on, given you are both fully clothed," Inigo smirked, as I dropped into my seat after my first set.
I groaned and buried my face in my hands. "How bad was it?"
"From the charged atmosphere oozing from the two of you into the whole room? Very good, I would hazard. But I do not know why you are asking me rather than Felix."
"Hey!" I swatted at him, and he lazily dodged.
"I am only saying what everybody can see, my friend."
I grabbed my goblet of wine and took a long draught, cheeks flaming. The worst of it was that I knew he was right. The exposed feeling of singing in front of Felix before we had seen each other unclothed couldn't compare to how it felt now, after we had. I didn't know what was more embarrassing — the patrons' enquiring glances, Lisette's low wolf-whistles, Corpulus' enormous knowing grin, or the very obvious flush I could feel every time Felix looked at me. It was three hours of pure torture.
Unfortunately, the torture didn't end when my lute had been packed away. Much as I wanted nothing but to drag Felix home with me and continue our explorations, I was due with Danica the next morning, and still hadn't finished my homework. So I dragged just myself home and studied. It was half past two by the time I was finally confident I had the spell learned, after which I collapsed into bed for a scant four hours of sleep.
Danica accepted my apology for missing the previous week's training and was gratified that I had learned the spell she had set me. However, it was glaringly obvious to both of us that we would make little progress today. I was simply too tired, and my mind too obviously elsewhere. After a few hours Danica called it quits, and instead sat us down on a bench beside the young Gildergreen.
"So, tell me about this person who so has your mind in knots," she said, handing me a mug of wildflower tea. Her mouth stretched into an uncharacteristically sly smile.
"How did you know?" I asked, blushing hard.
Her laugh was like water tumbling over rocks. "Oh, my dear, it's obvious to anyone with eyes to look. Mother Mara's love spills from your every pore in raging torrents."
The cold winter's breeze lifted our hair and cooled our tea, but I didn't feel the chill as I told Danica all about Felix, and the path which had led to our love. My heart pulsed in my breast, and each beat filled my veins with the warmth of a love returned. Behind me, I almost imagined I could feel the sap of the Gildergreen pulsing in tandem, the rhythm of our lifebloods interweaving in the joy of life's most wondrous change, just like a pair of Ataf's drums.
"I am glad for you," Danica said, when I had talked myself out. "May your young man prove worthy of the strength of your feelings."
"He will," I smiled. Above us, the Gildergreen's leaves rustled, and a few pink petals drifted into my tea.
Normally I liked to stay in Whiterun of a Fredas evening and play a set or two at the Bannered Mare, but I had missed so many nights at the Skeever while away in Windhelm — and was so eager to see Felix — that after I had finished with Danica I Recalled straight home. To my surprise, Inigo was already waiting in my apartment, wearing an expression I couldn't read, his tail twitching.
"What is it?" I said.
He handed me an open envelope, addressed to both Inigo and I. I pulled out the enclosed sheet of paper and unfolded it. I gasped.
"I thought you should see this in private," he said.
My hands shook as I read the letter, barely conscious that I'd collapsed into a chair.
CLASSIFIED CORRESPONDENCE
Miss Kirilee, Mr Inigo —
It may interest you to know that the woman who abducted Miss Kirilee was no common assassin but the leader of the Skyrim chapter of the Dark Brotherhood. I wish to personally express both my regret to Miss Kirilee for the ordeal she experienced, and my personal gratitude to Mr Inigo for finally bringing Astrid to justice. This woman has been a primary target of the Penitus Oculatus for some years. You have done not just the people of Skyrim but the whole Empire a great service. Now the snake has been beheaded we are confident the body will more easily be squashed. With any luck Skyrim will soon be rid of their filth once and for all.
Sincerely
Comm. Atticus Maro
Penitus Oculatus
I stared at Inigo, wide-eyed. "She — their leader?"
"It seems so," Inigo said.
"I … I don't know what to think." I ran a hand through my hair. I'd not thought much about the assassin since my rescue, everything with Felix having provided an all too welcome distraction from the events of that awful night. This letter brought it all crashing back into my head once more. "I'm even luckier to be alive than I thought."
"We both got lucky, I would say." Inigo seemed slightly dazed.
Leaping from the chair, I threw my arms around him. "You're incredible, Inigo. I'm so lucky to be your friend."
He patted me on the back, still lost for words. After a few moments we broke apart.
"What happens now?" I wondered aloud. "With the assassins, I mean. Will they … will they want revenge, do you think?" My stomach twisted into knots. I wanted so badly for this to finally be over.
"I suspect they will have far more important things to worry about, if their leader is dead, and the Oculatus is hunting them. The Empire's elite espionage force is not to be trifled with."
His matter-of-fact tone comforted me, and I took a deep breath. "You're probably right. The contract on me might not even be worth the trouble any more." I looked down at the letter in my still-trembling hand. The leader of the Dark Brotherhood in Skyrim …
"I'm glad she's dead," I said suddenly, looking up.
"So am I, my friend. As you say, we were very lucky."
I shook my head. "No, Inigo. You don't understand. I'm glad she's dead. Not just that we survived, but that she's dead. What you said, after Grelod. You're right. Some people … some people don't deserve the gift of life."
"Do you really believe that? Truly?" Inigo's amber eyes filled with concern.
I thought of the visceral fear that had followed me like a creeping shadow; the terror that any bush might conceal a hidden assassin. The way I'd flinched for weeks any time I saw a black and red outfit. That I'd willingly, gladly learned a spell that went against everything I believed in, just to finally feel safe again. I thought of Aventus Aretino, an innocent child who had been led to believe the only solution to his problems was to have someone murdered.
And I thought of Commander Maro's letter. The Oculatus had been chasing the Brotherhood ineffectually for years, in all of which time the assassins had been killing, unchecked. They weren't accountable to the law. Nobody had been able to stop them — until Inigo's sword had flickered across Astrid's neck.
If any deserved to have their lives taken from them it was those who peddled in death; those who would rob others of their futures for no better reason than for coin.
"Yes," I said, my voice hard. "I really do."
Felix stayed over that night, but the next morning I slept late, and by the time I awoke he had already gone. He was needed early to serve pies at that Divines-cursed King Olaf Festival, which Viarmo still hadn't given up on. Luckily I had a good excuse not to go myself, as Laila had this week requested my presence for an afternoon soiree.
In truth I didn't particularly want to go to that, either. My mind and heart were with Felix, and the idea of playing all those ridiculous courtly games, of pretending to be interested in Laila and Maven's sons while trying to pry useful information from them, filled me with distaste. Nevertheless, it was my duty, and so I dressed in my new gown from Windhelm — masterfully tailored by Endaarie, and now fitting me like a glove — arranged my hair, and Recalled to Riften. On arrival I summoned Inigo too, who intended to stay there the rest of the weekend. I tasked him with looking after Meeko while I performed, and sloped off to Mistveil Keep.
The soiree itself felt incredibly dull and vapid. I opted not to take breaks so that I wouldn't have to make forced small talk, but took a few minutes at the start and finish to converse politely with Laila, for courtesy, and Saerlund, for friendship. He invited me for another ride, but I apologetically told him I was due back in Solitude. It wasn't entirely an untruth — I had promised Corpulus I would play, exactly because I didn't want to spend the weekend in Riften. Maven Black-Briar and her children I avoided as though they had bone-break fever. I didn't learn anything new to report to Viarmo … but then, I'd hardly overexerted myself.
After the soiree was over I dropped in for tea and cakes with Mother Balu, who was even worse than Danica in showering me with metaphors about the blossoming of love, then paid a visit to Honorhall Orphanage. The change in atmosphere was enormous. While the place had formerly been enveloped in a cloud of misery and hopelessness, it now felt … like a home. The children were happy, and excitedly discussing whether they might be adopted soon.
Constance Michel met me at the door, looking tired but cheerful. After calling for one of the teenaged orphans to watch the children for a time, the kindly round-faced woman cleared space at a table and poured me tea. A young child rode on her hip the whole while, sucking his thumb and regarding me with wide-eyed wariness. I pulled a face at him, and he buried his face in Constance's bosom, giggling.
"How is everything, after …" I ventured, taking a sip of my tea. She had been generous in adding honey, and it was very sweet.
"As well as can be hoped, given lack of coin, and the war, and … well, you know how things are in Riften." She smiled and tucked a loose lock of brown hair back under her bonnet. The child on her hip immediately pulled it back out again with a fat fist. "Enough of that now, Cabsal!" she laughed. "Yes, miss, you can see already how much merrier the little tykes are. They have hope again. Of course, best thing would be to get them into proper homes. But baby steps for now — you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Cabsal?"
The boy giggled again, and blew a raspberry.
Aventus, too, was a changed boy. He was like a child once more, carefree and joyous.
"It's so much better now," he told me with a grin once I'd hunted him down and pulled him from a game of tag. "Miss Constance is really nice. We even get jam once a week! And Father Maramal comes most days and teaches us stuff."
"That's wonderful," I said. "I'm so glad."
His face fell a little. "I do, y'know, miss home though. It was nice to be back for a bit, even if it … y'know. En't that nice. Even with Ma and Pa it's still, well, home. And I miss Sofie."
"The flower girl?"
"Yeah. She's my friend. She en't got a home at all. I think the lady at Candlehearth is nice to her, though."
I thought, then, about telling him my plan to have him return home — but hesitated. I didn't want to get his hopes up, in case I couldn't arrange for it to happen. No brainwaves had yet presented themselves regarding who could serve as his legal guardian. I'd asked Viarmo for a list of likely candidates, but it had proven depressingly short.
Before I could make up my mind, however, he turned suddenly shy, looking at the ground and shuffling his feet. "Um, thanks, by the way. For, y'know. What you did." After a moment of wavering he then gave me a quick hug, and darted back to his friends, yelling for them to wait for him.
The rest of the weekend passed all too quickly, and far too soon for my liking it was Morndas morning, and I was sitting awkwardly in Viarmo's office, hoping to get through the upcoming ordeal as quickly as possible.
Viarmo's eyes moved over my paltry report. "This is all?"
"Um. Yes." I squirmed on my chair. I'd barely written a paragraph or two.
He held the sheet of paper up to his eyes for another few seconds, then placed it carefully on the desk. He closed his eyes, and steepled his fingers. His face was masklike.
I wriggled a little more. "So, um, shall I unpack my —"
"You should end things with that boy."
I froze. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. Break it off."
"Wh— why?"
Viarmo turned his great golden eyes on me. They were flat and cold.
"Accepting that simpleton's courtship proposal was a mistake. You'll come to regret it. It's nothing but a complication and a distraction you can little afford, which will deflect the upward trajectory of your career."
I felt myself growing angry. "The what? That's the stupidest thing I've ever —"
"There's already gossip. Complications. The advantages of you being formally unattached while visiting —"
"I'll manage," I interrupted testily. "I can handle my personal life and my work both."
"Can you?" He fixed me with a piercing stare, then lifted my report from the desk with thumb and forefinger. "Is this you 'handling' things? Not getting distracted? If it weren't for this development in your personal life would you not have spent yesterday in Riften gathering important intelligence rather than making such a racket in that apartment that the whole city is no longer in any doubt as to your relationship with the innkeeper's son?"
I flushed. "It was only one day —"
"Oh? Just one day? And your week in Windhelm? And what about all those hours you've wasted daydreaming instead of practicing? How are your Melodies coming along? And just how will your parents treat this news, once they find out? This is for your own good, Kirilee."
I stared at him defiantly. He was … sort of right, but to be honest, I didn't give a toss. What a pompous, self-righteous ass. Did all mer's hearts shrivel up and die when they'd passed a few centuries in age? So what if everything he said was true? What did any of that matter if one's life was empty of love? And so … Divines help me, but I told him where he could shove his 'advice'.
"I don't care," I said, my voice shaking. "I'm grateful for all the opportunities you've given me, sir, but I also haven't forgotten that you've manipulated me from the moment I set foot off the boat in Solitude."
Viarmo gave a small grunt, but didn't reply.
"I've got absolutely no reason to believe that this is about me and my wellbeing, rather than it just being easier for you if I'm unattached. I never asked for this. I'm doing your work, putting my freedom and life at risk, for no other reward than duty done. I don't even know what any of this is even about! You don't trust me, or respect me, or tell me anything except what to do. I'm just blindly following your lead like a child, with no evidence that you've even got my best interests at heart! And now you're even trying to interfere in my personal life! There is a limit, Headmaster. I won't stand for it!"
I was shouting now, and realised far too late how reckless and stupid I was being, but didn't care. All the half-formed thoughts and worries that had been bubbling in the depths of my mind had finally boiled over, and there was no way to take them back.
My outburst finished, silence hung heavy in the messy office. Viarmo stared at me, completely calm. Several long seconds passed. Still he said nothing. I swallowed.
"Um," I began, intending to apologise, but finally Viarmo spoke. His voice was tight, controlled.
"You're upset that I don't share more with you, and you worry I'm not acting in your best interests. Is that about the long and short of it?"
"Er …"
He drew a long breath, in then out. I braced myself.
"Xarxes' balls, girl, how stupid are you? I tell you what you need to know, precisely to keep you safe. Surely even you've figured that out by now. Since the moment I found out who you were I've been doing what I can to keep you alive and unharmed. How d'you think it would've gone if I hadn't made a new identity for those idiots to find? Who d'you think made sure the assassin in that shack was found by the right people? All I seem to do lately is clean up your fucking messes left, right and centre!"
Viarmo's careful control was cracking, now, and I shrank back in my seat.
"I look after my own," he said, eyes hard. "Not that you've made it easy for me. Did you even tell me about the kidnapping? Oghma's tits, I never even knew you had the Brotherhood's attention in the first place! Or what about this mystery fit you had while in Markarth? Or the way you disappeared without a fucking word to the seat of Ulfric fucking Stormcloak? Trust and respect go both ways, kid. You're independent, and keep secrets well. It's half the reason I picked you for this in the first place. But I can't protect you properly if you don't let me in."
I couldn't think of anything to say, except, "I'm sorry." My voice was very small, and I felt even smaller.
Viarmo exhaled heavily. "It's fine. Keep the boyfriend if you want. Just remember there's a war on. It'll catch up to us soon whether you're ready or not. Keep that in mind when you're deciding how much time to devote to canoodling."
"Yes, sir."
"Speaking of which," — he reached into a drawer by his side, and pulled out a heavy sheet of paper which he then flicked across the desk — "Riften, this weekend. Laila's having a party in honour of the Bear himself. Don't cock it up."
I nodded fervently. "Yes, sir. I mean, no, I won't. Sir."
"Good. Now get your lute out. We've got work to do."
A/N: The story has now caught up to the version posted on AO3, so as such I'll be switching to weekly updates for the final chapters.
Thank you, as ever, to everyone reading this story. I value and appreciate every one of you, and I hope you enjoy the final stretch.