Chapter XXXI: Talk About

Ren put his hands on the door but stopped. From here he could get outside to take the way back to his dorm. But the conversation he just had with Umemiya has him wondering if he should take the other way that would lead him to the greenhouse instead. He doesn't even know what to say to him, much less where the conversation will lead them. He doesn't even know how to start. But he might even consider apologizing.

Ren sucked in a breath and pushed the doors open. But he didn't keep walking in either of the options he considered, and instead he pulled out his phone. He doubts Horokeu was still at the greenhouse by now. It'd be better to call or text him for a place to meet him. There's no guarantee that he'd even respond—he did seem upset at Ren. But maybe if Ren reached out, if he saw Ren make the effort to at least try, maybe they can talk.

"Usui-sempai!" He didn't recognize the voice but the name it called out made Ren freeze.

"Stop following me, Aoi." But Ren recognized the responding voice. Hearing his voice mention that name made him turn, teeth pressing on reawakened chagrin that had him treading away from there, from them before they can see him. Before he can see them together again. Forget about apologizing. Forget about talking.

When Ren returned to the dorm Hao was sitting at the table and greeted the young Tao with a bored smile. Ren tried not to scowl at his expectant stare as he walked in without saying anything. He tried not to react at all and his efforts made his roommate roll his eyes.

"You wanna talk about it?" Hao propped his chin in a hand but Ren heaved a sigh, knowing better than to mistake that tone for concern.

"The only thing we're talking about is this project we have to get done." The smaller male muttered while tossing the contents of his school bag on the table.

"Are you sure you don't want to tell me how things went with Usui-san?" Ren let his glare show this time, making curiosity spark in Hao's chocolate eyes. "What sort of excuses did he—"

"Hao. Don't." Ren's voice came out sharp but also chillingly calm. And despite their warm golden hue, his eyes were like cold stones. And that's all it took for the other to close his lips. Although he couldn't help from letting one of its corners from twitching into his amused smirk.

Hao didn't bring up the blunette for the rest of the time they spent putting their paper together. The project along with homework from other classes kept Ren busy, and he was thankful for the distractions. His mind was kept occupied until they decided to call it a day. For once, Hao decided to shower and go straight to bed instead of going out like he usually does, claiming that all the studying made him too lazy to bother to go out the window. Ren didn't expect him to be committed enough to their project that he'd actually stay until the building's doors will lock for curfew. As if to reward him for impressing him, Ren let Hao take the shower first. And as he waited for his roommate to finish, he skimmed through what they came up with so far for their project paper. By the time Hao stepped out he had finished marking it for minor changes that they can work on again tomorrow, and went in after Hao. But after he stepped out of the shower room and changed, Ren glanced at his phone. Nothing. No texts, and no missed calls. Not that he expected any. But not expecting it doesn't mean there's no room for disappointment. So he ended up going to bed with disappointments he wished he had saved himself from.

He woke up to his phone's alarm and when he grabbed it to turn it off, he also relived the same disappointment he went to bed with, thus setting his mood. Hao knew better than to provoke him about it anymore, especially in the morning. In fact, it was in both of their best interest to head for breakfast without a word. Ren's presence was like a dark storm cloud emitting vicious bouts of lightning that struck anyone who came within three feet of his personal space. Hao was the only one who could ignore it and even yawn as he walked alongside the crossed Tao to school. Ren wished he didn't let himself get so far on edge, he wished he could round the edges. But it only got worse.

Horokeu was walking several yards ahead of Ren and Hao. With Aoi right next to him. Although the infamous boy apparently had the decency not to cling to him in the presence of so many potential witnesses, he still maintained a distance that made it obvious enough what—or who—his focus was. Ren only knew it was him because he could see his face from how he had his head turned to the blunette. They were too far ahead for Ren to hear what he was saying but he could see his smiling lips' animated movement, even laughing every now and then. The blunette just looked on ahead, but Ren easily recognized it was Horokeu even though he couldn't see anything more than the back of his head. Unlike the boy next to him, Horokeu didn't avert his onward gaze. Not once did he direct his full attention to the boy who was talking so excitedly like he had too much to say before they reached the main school building. So Ren couldn't see his face, couldn't tell if he said anything back. One might even say the conversation was one-sided because the Ainu didn't even seem to be listening. But Aoi keeps talking anyway, so he must be exhibiting some sort of response to make the boy keep up their conversation. And Aoi was watching him so intently that he didn't notice Ren's vexing glare directed at them.

"I have to go this way. See you later, Usui-sempai!" Aoi chimed with a spirited smile as he hurried off down the hall away from Horokeu. The blunette just sighed heavily while mumbling something under his breath. He turned in the other direction but stopped short. Ren stood a few feet away at the bottom of the stairs, looking at him with half-lidded, unamused eyes that made the blunette cringe. The Ainu opened his mouth to say something, but Ren turned away and headed up the stairs for the classroom he had to get to. He could hear Horokeu let out another exasperated breath, much louder and heavier than his first.

Ren didn't think it could get worse. Since he didn't share any classes with Horokeu today, and didn't share any classes any day with Aoi, he thought that would be the end of it. But he passed by Horokeu twice in the hallways between classes, and even spotted him once outside in the courtyard from a window. The blunette even passed by one of the classrooms Ren was waiting in when he arrived early. And each time, Aoi was with him, just as close and just as excited to see the blunette as he was this morning. He wasn't as short as Ren but Horokeu was still fairly taller than him. As if using that for an excuse, he was even cheeky enough to have his large eyes upturned to look at the blunette in an upward gaze as he spoke. And Horokeu displayed the same disinterest as he did when they walked to school. He even seemed annoyed by the other's bodacious attention, like he was conscious of anyone else who noticed. Ren certainly noticed. And by lunch, the storm cloud from this morning had hardened into knives pointing out in position to jab at anyone who came near him. Hao was still the only one who was unbothered, standing next to him while they waited in lunch line with their trays.

"I thought you didn't like eating in the cafeteria?" Hao quirked a brow and then hungrily eyed the hot stew that was poured into their bowls. Despite his question, he didn't seem to mind the change in their routine at all. The food being served had expectations set as high as the education and the school saw to it that they met them to avoid any conflict. Top-notch chefs were hired to prepare the meals daily, and it was probably what was most appreciated by the students who always lined up. Ren and Hao were two of the very rare individuals who paid any attention to the deli, and possibly the only ones who regularly chose it over the much higher quality alternative freshly served straight from the kitchen. Today was quite the exception.

"No one's stopping you if you want to go somewhere else." Hao rolling his eyes was the only response to Ren's biting tone.

"Looks like I'm not the only one surprised." Hao snickered and Ren turned in the direction the brunette nodded his head. Horokeu was standing in the doorway of the cafeteria. But he was just standing there and staring at Ren like he was too dumbfounded with confusion to say or do anything.

"You didn't tell him about our plans for lunch?" There was a sly slither on Hao's tongue but Ren didn't say anything. He stood stalk still like there wasn't a line behind him waiting for him to move forward. He could tell the Ainu wanted to say something. And he felt himself wanting to listen. He felt himself wanting to answer to that beg in his eyes.

"Usui-sempai!" The voice shot through Ren like a whistle.

"Who cares?" Ren seethed lowly as the boy appearing next to the addressed male reminded him why he wasn't going to listen. Why he didn't wait for the Ainu like he used to and why he wasn't going to acknowledge him as he carried his tray of hot food down the aisle of long tables.

"Our plans don't always include him." He added bitterly with his tray trembling in his hands as he made every effort not to look his way. He deliberately chose one of the more crowded tables that happened to have just two vacant chairs at the end. His appearance startled everyone else who were at the table first, and a few of them flustered from mistaking his random choice as being selected for some form of recognition. They asked if he wanted to sit in a better seat and even offered to trade any food he didn't like for anything else they had like it didn't matter if it'd be any of their favorites. Ren ignored all of them, remembering this was exactly why he avoided the cafeteria. He especially pretended not to notice the ones who held out their hands to shake while introducing themselves and whoever the name of the family they were from that ran whatever company or whatnot. His unresponsive silence made it very clear that he didn't care for them sucking up to him. It didn't take them long to realize that it won't take them anywhere because they were as good as air to Ren, and won't be able to gain any social leverage. Hao shrugged and smirked at their defeated faces, looking more amused than apologetic about the whole situation. And once he knew he was being left alone, Ren's eyes sent a subtle glance at the doorway, and then discreetly scanned the room. He couldn't find Horokeu anywhere.

His mood didn't improve even though he was lucky enough to not have to see neither Horokeu nor Aoi for the rest of the day. He was able to return to his dorm with the same luck, focusing on the project with Hao like they did the day before, with the same desperate need for a distraction. Except this time, he went to bed dreading to wake up. Friday was the day he had to see Horokeu in the first and last classes of the day.

Ren had considered leaving his dorm extra early to avoid heading to school while watching a certain pair he ran into yesterday. But then he realized how ridiculous the idea was so he left with Hao at their usual time. He ended up not seeing Horokeu at all, and he didn't know if whether he was relieved or disappointed. But neither mattered when he passed by Aoi. He didn't seem to notice Ren and he was alone this time. Even though Ren didn't see him paired with the Ainu like yesterday, it still sent his blood vying throughout homeroom. And as much as he wished he could get over it, he carried it with him to first period.

Ren sat on the other side of the room from Horokeu. Specifically, he was diagonally in front of him at the very head of the class while Horokeu sat in his usual seat in the corner in the back. They both knew how deliberate Ren's choice was, how he made it easier to not have to look at him. Even though he could feel the blunette's disgruntled gaze pressing on his back, he didn't dare look back. Not once throughout the whole class. And when class was dismissed, he made sure to be one of the first to leave and even allowed himself to get caught in the mass of his peers. For once, he actually found his height to be useful. He may never admit it out loud, but he secretly acknowledged what he was doing. He was painfully aware of how childish he was being in his evasion of the Ainu he was hiding from. But it was all he can bring out of himself and the fact that he ever mocked these teens for being immature made him the punch line of the joke.

"So why are we eating here again?" Hao asked Ren who he could easily see was growing increasingly irritated.

"I don't know." Ren sighed, wanting to ask the same question himself. They were having lunch in the cafeteria again, despite Ren's distaste for the suck-ups he had to sit with.

"I mean, not that I'm complaining." Ren rolled his eyes, having no trouble believing that. Hao was really the only one of the two thoroughly enjoying their upgraded lunch that came with the change in their routine. Even with the upgrade, Ren hoped this change wasn't going to become permanent.

"You know, if we're here because of...you-know-who," Hao chuckled at Ren's disapproving scowl and went on, "that room's not the only one I have access to."

"...This is fine." Ren lied after a short pause, even though he was somewhat tempted by Hao's offer. He knew he couldn't keep avoiding Horokeu like this. It's pathetic enough that he's even trying so hard and he only fell deeper into self-loathe. Changing the room they ate at wasn't going to change that.

"If it makes you feel any better, I don't see him here right now." Ren just shrugged because he already knew that, but then Hao laughed. "Then again, I haven't seen Aoi either. You think that's a coincidence?"

"How should I know?" Ren's spine stiffed but he managed to keep his voice steady. He hated how much he wished he knew. He hated how much he wondered. Most of all, he hated what it did to him. How it reminded him what he saw at the greenhouse. How it made him think about what he had interrupted. He knew how unreasonable he was being. What Hao said didn't have to mean anything. The two facts didn't have to be related at all. But he couldn't stop his mind from going there and diving deeper. And Ren couldn't pull himself out for the rest of the day. Seeing Horokeu at their last class made it that much harder. And just like first period, he refused to acknowledge the blunette. But he received a text in the middle of class.

Can we talk? Please?

Ren quickly shoved his phone back in his pocket before he got caught, and bit his lip. He knew he wasn't being fair. Even if he had the right to be so disappointed, that didn't put him in any position to punish Horokeu. The blunette already told him what to expect. They never made any promises. Ren didn't have anything to justify himself. Nothing to justify his disappointment because there wasn't really any betrayal.

You need to understand that no matter how much they are alike, inside or out, they're not the same person.

Ren felt the back of his eyes start welling hot. Because he felt this before—betrayed. But there wasn't any betrayal then, either. He just lost him. Long before the accident.

They're different people. You do get that, right?

He thought he did. He kept telling himself he knew. He swore he understood. He convinced himself to really believe he 'gets it' right down to the practical line. But this disappointment was meant for someone else. There was no place for it here.

And then, Ren had to ask himself,

What about me?

Was there any place for him here?

The final school bell brought Ren's thoughts to a halt. He felt like it was the sound of chains tugging to remind him where he was. He sat through the lesson unable to maintain his focus, unable to ignore the constant clamor that won't leave him. And it was still there even as he stood, making him realize how well he had accustomed himself to this relentless routine. He glanced at Horokeu and instantly wished he hadn't when the bluenette looked back with the same plea in his eyes. Ren swallowed the large lump forming in his throat as he snapped his face away and moved towards the door with the rest of the dismissed classmates. He pretended not to hear the given up sigh behind him.

"Hey, where're you going?" Ren whirled around to Hao's hand on his shoulder. He understood why his roommate looked so puzzled. They were supposed to continue on their project and Ren was about to make a turn in the opposite direction of their dorm. He tried not to let his eyes shift from Hao's face to the approaching bluenette behind him.

"I have something to do. I'll meet you at our dorm."

"Ok... Later, then, I guess." Hao shrugged as his eyes carefully slid to the side just as Horokeu walked past them. Ren felt like he could vomit out his own heart. But the Ainu didn't say anything. He didn't even look at Ren as he turned in the direction of the dorms, away from Ren. The deliberate message in that short second left Ren fighting against a sickening mix of panic and regret. But Ren just nodded to Hao and kept walking again. The phone still holding Horokeu's message he didn't respond to felt heavy in his pocket. It got harder not to turn back as the distance between him and the Ainu grew. But Ren couldn't talk to him yet. Not like this.

To be continued…